Finale -- In More Ways Than One...

And so we come to the end of yet another season of The Bachelor. As this series goes, there wasn’t much notable about this season. It was pretty clear Emily was the frontrunner from the get-go. The spoiler sites all said Chantal would win, but Emily pulled it out in the end. We had our resident crazy who, it turns out, was only edited to look crazy (Michelle), we had our perky, sippy sorority girl who will be the next Bachelorette (Ashley), and we had the requisite girls who were made to look weird, but probably were really nice people in real life (Madison…”fangs” for the memories…)

And so on to the last roundup for the season…

Most Bummed Out Brother on the Planet:

I know this is shallow, but I’m just going to say it since this show brings out the shallow in all of us. Brad’s younger brother has to be supremely bummed that his older twin brothers got all of the smokin’ hot genes in the family and that he ended up looking like every other middle-aged guy from Texas. At least he seems like he can string together a cogent sentence most of the time, so I guess he split the difference with his brothers and got the intelligence gene.

After the family had filed in, my significant other turned and asked me where the father was. I reminded him that Brad had no contact with his father and that’s why he’s so screwed up. But my S.O. swore he had seen some older guy walk past. I thought for a second, and yep…you guessed it. It was Brad’s YOUNGER brother. Poor guy.

Wow, I thought Brad was empirically hot, but after this episode, I think his twin is even hotter. Kind of a mix between the lead singer of Maroon 5 and Jesse from Ali’s Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad last summer. Hot!

Worst Mother of the Year Award:

So they haul Brad’s family halfway around the world to meet the two girls he’s deciding between. Brad apparently hasn’t seen his family in weeks (months?) They knock on the door of his exclusive South African villa and Brad erupts into sobs and tears at the sight of them. He hugs each one hello and holds onto them each tightly as they walk in. He’s overwhelmed with emotion. As soon as they are all inside, they sit down, but Brad says he needs a minute to collect himself. We see him continue to weep and try to regain his composure.

Cut to a shot of his mom, perched on the edge of some cushy chair holding her big glass of white wine, totally oblivious to the fact that her son needs a hug. Um, hello, Mom? Your son is blubbering away in the other room! Don’t you think you should get up and make sure he’s OK? Don’t you want to throw your arms around his neck and tell him it will all be OK because now Mama is here? What is this woman’s problem that she just sits there stoically and doesn’t go over to comfort his son? This whole family is just odd from the get-go.

Wish I Could Take Back That Last Question I just Asked Award:

Not only does Brad’s younger brother have to be bummed about getting shafted in the looks department, but he also goes a step further and asks Emily about how Little Ricki’s dad will feel if they move to Austin to be with Brad. Cue ominous music and awkward glances between Em and Brad. Sure, this question was probably a plant by the producers (“OK less attractive brother…when we yell, ‘Action!’ you ask Emily about Ricki’s dad, m’k?”), but it did make for one of those truly awkward scenes that only The Bachelor knows how to achieve.

Questionable Wardrobe Choice of the Evening Award:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to “Prima”, Brad’s sister-in-law. What was up with the black sparkly halter top? It was way more “heading out to the clubs in Hollywood” than “easy, breezy, hanging out on the patio in Cape Town pretending to be interested in my brother-in-law’s romantic life” chic.

2. OK, this is going to sound shallow again, but the second award goes to Brad’s mom, who opted for a plunging neckline that sank so low that all of the wrinkles of her cleavage were clearly on display in a wholly unappealing way.  They seemed to gather into one saggy hole right in between where her breasts used to be. That’s just nasty. C’mon, Mama. Hug your son and cover UP!

Worst Last Date Ever:

OK, seriously…it’s Brad’s last chance to share some romance with Chantal and he takes her swimming with SHARKS?! How bummed must Chantal have been? She hauls all the way to South Africa and ends up in a cage on a boat taking breaths and ducking under the water to check out huge sharks. Really, Brad and producers? This is the best you got for her? The two of them can barely talk for all of the gasping they have to do between viewings as they try to come up for air. Poor thing. I guess the writing was on the wall from that point on, huh?

Name We Least Expected to Hear Again on This Show:

During the nighttime part of his date with Chantal, we clearly hear Brad calling after her, “Channy! Channy! Channy!” (OK…his pronunciation made it sound more like “Shanny”, but still. Roll with me here…)

Fans of this blog may remember Channy from Jake’s season, right? Back in the days when this show would throw in one girl of color just to satisfy all of the naysayers, even though you know that girl had no way in hell of winning?

So along came Channy who started going off in Thai to Jake and then invited him to check out her landing strip or something. Which of course got turned into a double entendre and we all laughed since she didn’t understand the idiom in English.

She’s baaaaaack….!

Most Obvious Lesson Not Learned from Previous Seasons:

I say this every season, but if you are one of the finalists on this show, please, for all that is sacred and holy…please do not EVER make a present for the person who is choosing between you and someone else. Can we flash back to Jake’s season when it was down to Tenley and Vienna? Which one of them made him a lame memory box with dead sea creatures hot-glued to it? Who welled up with pride as Jake chuckled internally and then outwardly pretended to love it? Yes, it was Miss Tenley, that chirpy, perky, “my god, did she just DANCE for him?!” girl who was ultimately dumped in the end.

Chantal, sweetie. Did you learn nothing from all of that sadness? You had to go ahead and make a map of all of the places where you and Brad have been and then roll it up into a bottle? Really? A bottle? How is that helping you in any way?

Chantal takes the sad map one step further and includes a handwritten note professing her undying love for Brad. Sure, this must be nice to get, but wow…awkward. No guy wants to read all that mushy stuff with the girl who wrote it sitting right there hovering over him. Sigh…Strike Two for Chantal.

Worst Attempt at Pretending to Be Geographically Knowledgeable:

Brad tells Emily how excited he is to take her on their date to The Cape of Good Hope. He tells her it’s a “must see” like he’s been there tons of times and flies in on a helicopter regularly. I call BS. I am willing to bet he had no idea where in the world The Cape of Good Hope was, much less WHAT in the world The Cape of Good Hope was, before this show started shooting. No clue at all.

“Uh…Cape of Good Hope? Is that what Superman wore?”

Windiest Date Ever:

This has to be Brad and Emily’s time on the aforementioned Cape of Good Hope. If she reached up to push her hair out of her face one more time, I was going to lose it. Why did the producers even set this up? Why didn’t they at least warn her to put her hair back in a ponytail? There is nothing romantic about being buttressed from all sides by a driving wind that messes up your hair and makes you not be able to even hear the other person. This was ill-conceived in all ways.

Most Overused Line of the Night:

There’s one every week. This week’s award goes to Emily, who keeps drilling it into Brad that he doesn’t understand what he’s getting into with all of a sudden becoming a dad. Could she have poured it on any thicker? “It’s not always fun…” over and over and over.

It’s like she wanted to make sure to really drive Brad away before he committed to anything. Could she have been more negative? According to Emily, it’s not all fun and games being a parent. There are late night ear infections, temper tantrums, and much, much more to scare Brad away. By the time she was done, even I thought that Little Ricki was The Bad Seed or that girl from Firestarter or something and that Brad had better run for the hills before Little Ricki appears hovering over his bed in the middle of the night with a meat cleaver poised over his throat.

Gee, Emily. Being a mom seems really tough. Let’s see. You get to live in a giant house with all of the toys and comforts a kid could need. You get to leave her for a month or two while you go gallivanting around the globe for some reality TV show, and you end up with a new daddy for her in the end so you’re not doing all of the work yourself. When you look at it that way, it’s not so bad being a parent, huh?

(And by the way, I forgot to mention it last week, but why were all of the girls getting on Michelle’s case for leaving her daughter, but not one person called Emily out for the same thing? At least Michelle didn’t spread her daughter’s face all over the world’s TV screens. Why the double-standard that Michelle was a horrible mother for leaving her daughter to do the show, but not Emily? Discuss.)

Journals I Wish I Could Read the Most:

In the montage leading up to Brad’s big decision, we get interviews with both girls as they pose around the resort where they’re staying. There’s Emily lounging gracefully by the pool reading. Now there she is leaning pensively against a railing. Oh! Look! There’s Chantal throwing open the curtains in an obvious reference to new beginnings since her big ending is about to come later on tonight.

But the shots that made me laugh out loud were the ones where we saw both girls furtively writing in journals. What possible thoughts could they have that would have been so important to immortalize on paper?

Chantal: “Dear Diary. South Africa is really cool, but it’s super shark-infested. I hope Brad picks me. I gave it up to him in a treehouse, so he kinda owes it to me. I liked his family. His twin brother and that old guy kept staring at my boobs, but I don’t care. I wonder how much longer the producers are going to be taping me pretending to write something deep here? Well, that’s all for now. Love, Chantal.”

Emily: “Dear Diary. WOW!!! South Africa is SO WINDY!!! Brad and me went on a date this afternoon to a place called a cape and I couldn’t even hear him talk cuz it was so windy. Yikes! If we get married that lady with the wrinkly boob cleavage will be my mother-in-law. I can’t imagine having to stare at that all through Thanksgiving dinner. Oh well. I miss Little Ricki, but it’s super cool being able to leave her and go anywhere I want. Being a parent is so HARD! Brad doesn’t even KNOW!”

Biggest Sign You Know Chantal Will Not Get the Rose Tonight:

Um, Chantal? That’s a real purty party dress you got on there for your last rose ceremony with Brad, but I think a big, black crow crashed into your shoulder and died there. You might want to get it off before you go out to meet Brad, OK? Wait, what? Those weird costume-y feathers are SUPPOSED to be there? Ohhhh…yeah. Heh heh heh…my bad…

Strike Three, and she’s out…

Most Obvious Reference to A Current Film:

For the final rose ceremonies Emily is all blonde hair and beautiful and white Grecian goddess dress and Chantal is all dark makeup and black dead crow dress with feathers on it. Maybe that’s a black swan Chantal has glued to her shoulder?

Coolest Ad of the Evening:

Those of you who know me personally know my brother is an actor down in LA. He’s in a new commercial that’s airing EVERYWHERE these days where he and his family come home to find their house robbed. The thieves took everything except the crappy computer, so he and his wife go to buy another one.

Well, when this ad flew by as I was fast-forwarding the DVR, I had to rewind and watch it all the way through again. Good on ya, Chris! You have achieved superstar status at our house by appearing on The Bachelor (sorta)…

Weirdest Hair Color:

As Brad is about to break the bad news to Chantal that she’s getting the ol’ heave-ho, the camera keeps cutting back and forth between a close up on her face and then a shot of Brad taken over her shoulder. From head on, Chantal clearly has very dark hair to go with her whole death-rocker “I kill birds!” look. But from the back, her hair all of a sudden has an auburn/reddish sheen to it. What gives? Bad dye job? Stand-in who wasn’t really Chantal so they could let Brad re-tape his scenes after Chantal had officially left? Enquiring minds wanna know…

Classiest Dumped Girl:

This goes to Chantal, who seemed legitimately shocked that Brad hadn’t chosen her.  She handled it all with class, though, even telling Brad that “Emily is really lucky.” Poor Chantal. It was kinda heartbreaking to see her reaction through all of that waterproof caked-on dark mascara. And if she hadn’t voluntarily signed up to do a reality dating show where she knew she might be publicly humiliated on national TV, I might feel a bit sorry for her.

But I do have to hand it to her. Her limo interview and reactions were all very well done. She came off as the graceful, heartbroken loser who can now go back to Seattle and live eight blocks away from her parents’ place Versailles. Well played, Chantal.

Least Emotional Winner of The Bachelor:

Um, Em? You just won The Bachelor. You just found the man of your dreams and a new daddy for Little Ricki. You have a HUGE diamond ring on your finger. Brad chose YOU. Can you maybe crack a real smile or enthuse even a little? Can you throw your arms up in the air or do a little dance or SOMETHING?

What a letdown. I always thought it was weird how all season Emily guarded her emotions, but this was just plain weird, and a sign of things to come later on in the evening…

Most Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Contestant:

OK, so during the After the Final Rose special, Chantal comes out first. And of course she’s all back to being curvy and hot again. She took so much crap for how much weight she put on during the course of the show, that you just know she spent the last four months dieting and exercising so she could look super hot when she met Brad again.

She starts off by weeping and crying having to relive the whole season with Chris Harrison again and how heartbroken she is about it all. Awww…poor thing.

But just as we are all ready to feel sorry for her all over again, we hear she has a new guy in her life (which the spoiler sites already had told us a while back). Wait, what? Why is this girl weeping over Brad when she apparently has some terrific guy waiting for her at home? How must this terrific guy be feeling about now to see his girlfriend weeping and gnashing her teeth that Brad never loved her? C’mon, Chantal. Are you heartbroken or over it? Choose one!

Weirdest Transformation:

Wow. I always thought Brad was kinda just dense and little dumb. But after watching him on the After the Final Rose special, I honestly think that Jake has taken over his body. In his interview with Chantal he came off as aloof and arrogant and evaded any question she gave him that was anywhere near controversial. She asked him a few times at what point he knew it wasn’t her and he tried everything he could to not answer that.

Then, as the night went on and Emily came out, he all of a sudden turned into Jake on the night he was being interviewed with Vienna after they broke up. Did you hear Emily say Brad has a temper? Did you see the look of fear in her eyes as she kept turning to him to make sure it was OK if she said certain things about him? What was up with that? Why does she need permission from him for anything? The whole relationship is just creepy to me now.

It so harkened back to hearing Vienna talk about Jake raging at her for no apparent reason and watching Jake just sit there and smirk smugly like he knew better when we all knew Vienna was totally calling out his dirty laundry and that every word was true. Brad is a creep for sure.

Most Shocking Revelations:

Did you hear the faked gasps as Brad and Emily revealed that they have already broken up once? SHOCK! And that Emily wouldn’t move to Austin today if Brad asked her? SHOCK! Or that after the show would air Monday nights Brad would call Emily and he’d have to leave a message because she wouldn’t answer?

There is no way these two are gonna last. I’ll bet they are already split up even as I type this. They couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable together, but you know the producers wanted their happy ending, and so poor Brad and Em had to pretend to like each other. How unhappy did she look the whole time he had his arm around her? How stone-cold, emotionally dead could she have seemed? Not looking good, folks…

What Show Am I Watching? Award:

So we’re in the midst of a pretty ho-hum After the Final Rose special and all of a sudden the producers trot out three past couples who all have gone on to happy, fulfilling relationships. How much did that whole segment feel like an episode of Intervention? It was like the producers already knew the writing is on the wall for Brad and Emily, and so they sent in the big Bachelor guns to try to help smooth things over.  “Maybe if we bring in couples who say they are in love, Brad and Emily will be in love too even though we don’t really care about them that much…”

“Hey guys! It’s tough to be on this show. Everyone picks you apart and tries to tear you down, but you gotta be stronger than that!” That was the general message from the couples there. But if Brad and Emily have already broken up once, I don’t think any amount of Ali and Trista’s faux perkiness or Molly’s “above-it-all”-ness or Ryan’s bad Dr. Spock haircut is going to save this relationship. Even Brad giving Emily back her ring resized (the show couldn’t have it in her size back in South Africa? Why not?) screams “trying too hard”, and so what could have been a happy ending to this season actually feels kind of depressing and hopeless.

And so with that, we are through with another season. I’ve had fun over the past few couple of years writing these blogs, but I think this will be my final one. When I started this, I was hoping for a more interactive experience where people could comment and we could discuss. I can see from the numbers on my site that there are hundreds of people checking this out every week, but no one ever leaves comments here. A few of you are great and comment on the After the Rose Facebook page (shout-out to you, Marilyn! I don’t even know you personally, but thank you!)

So I’ll make a deal with you guys. If I can get ten comments on this blog from ten different people OR I can get 50 people who like the After the Rose Facebook page, I’ll do these blogs again for Ashley’s season. If not, then I will go quietly off into the Bachelor sunset and leave the blogging to the guys with the spoilers.

Either way, thanks for reading what you have and thanks especially to those who have posted comments and made this show fun to watch! Even if I’m not blogging about it in May, rest assured that I will be tuned in for Not-A-Dentist Ashley’s season.

Catch you later!

The Women Tell All!

The spoiler sites have been abuzz with incorrect information and speculation, the supermarket tabloids have Emily, Chantal, and Brad spread all over with all sorts of unflattering photos and headlines, so you know we’re gettin’ down to it now. Only one more episode to go. The Women Tell All is usually my favorite episode of the season. It’s fun to see how they have all changed their looks, changed their stories, and changed their attitudes.

Let’s get to it…

Most Shocking Statistic:

Was I the only one blown away by the fact that there are 500 (yes FIVE HUNDRED) former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants from this show? Apparently they all have this little incestuous “in crowd” where they go to cool parties in dark, upscale bars in LA and New York and all sleep with each other and let their tongues hang out down each others’ throats (how gross was THAT shot?)

Of course, the real reason we got to witness all of these shenanigans is so that we could preview the new cast for Bachelor Pad 2 (Electric Boogaloo) this summer. I haven’t been reading the spoiler sites yet about that show, but I’m going to guess Vienna and Rozlyn are gonna figure importantly in the drama since we saw them smirking and getting lots of face time with the camera, as will “Guard and protect her heart” Kasey (did anyone else notice that he was featured at both parties on both coasts? This guy’s soaking up his 15 minutes the best he knows how.)

They have already set up the backstory that Vienna is a backstabbing whore when we find out that she slept with her supposed best friend’s friend. GASP! Vienna slept with Wes! And last summer Gia told us that SHE likes Wes too! How could a best friend who only hangs out at wild sex parties when the show invites them to be together DO something like that?! I mean, where’s the loyalty?

The sex is played up at the gatherings and we get lots of people who have already hooked up, which means they will all feature prominently as well this summer. By that time, some will be full-blown dating couples while others will be pissed and hurt that one part of the couple has already slutted around with someone new. Should be entertaining.

Oh…and one more thing while we’re on the topic. I bet that Michelle makes it to the Bachelor Pad this summer too. With the editing job they did on her for this episode making her out to be the poor, pitiable victim, the bitch slot is now open for Vienna. Maybe Michelle will be cast as the creepy stalkery one? We shall see…

Last People We Expected to See at A Bachelor Swinger Reunion Party:

Um, Allie and Roberto? What are you guys doing in the same upscale, dark bar with all of those swingin’ singles? Aren’t blisters currently forming on your naughty bits just rubbing elbows with these guys? You found each other, you’re in love, you’re still cute. Run…run for the hills as fast as you can!

Most Shocking Bachelorette Transformation:

This of course goes to Not-A-Dentist Ashley who we see come out as a brunette now. With her weird make-up, she’s actually pretty unrecognizable as the chick who Brad dumped in South Africa. I’m not sure why the producers wanted such a drastic change in her, but she did it and how. She’s definitely lost her cute, perky edge and gotten more adult and matronly-looking with this new ‘do. She didn’t look much like a dentist before, but now we KNOW she’s ditching that profession for good.

Oh…and what was up with the gigantic caps on her two front teeth? How huge were they? How does a dentist have such distracting teeth?

Least Interesting Catfight of the Night:

Raichel versus Melissa…zzzzzz.

“Hi! I’m Raichel! I’m a manscaper and people like Melissa get under my skin! I’m going to sit here and roll my eyes and look away a lot in disgust since she gets to sit up with Chris and I am relegated here to the sidelines! I could have gotten a lot farther in the game if that blonde bitch up on stage right now hadn’t brought out all kinds of crazy in me!”

“And hi! I’m Melissa! My neck is very tendony and I always look like I’m trying to squeeze a lemon between my butt cheeks! Raichel just doesn’t understand me and we’ll agree to disagree on every point Chris brings up with us! I’m superior since I get to sit up on stage with Chris and since I don’t add an extra ‘I’ to my name, so I will cross my legs and bob the top one up and down nervously and bend my head to the side a lot whenever I want to pretend I don’t get what Raichel is talking about!”

‘Nuff said…”

Best Edit of the Night:

Hands down this goes to Michelle. This whole season the producers have made her out to be a horrible, mean person who badmouths the other girls and sees herself as superior to everyone else there. She’s conniving, she’s crafty, she threatens, she gives herself unexplained black eyes, she…wait…she cries when she’s talking about her daughter? She gets hurt feelings when some of the other girls won’t stop verbally abusing her and calling her names like “spider” and “creepy”?

After the trouncing Michelle got all season, she finally is redeemed. We actually start to like her as we hear lots of the girls who we like already sticking up for her and get to hear her side of it all. It’s not much of a shocker that the only reason we hated her was the editing. As I said earlier, I’ll bet this “feel sorry for me” treatment is so that Vienna can play the part of villainess on Bachelor Pad 2 this summer and Michelle can play some other role.

Most Overused Line of the Night:

I counted how many times Michelle told us, “I left my daughter!” and I got six. Anyone else? We get it Michelle. You chose to leave your daughter. No one forced you to do it. You decided that going out to Hollywood and wearing short skirts and tying up Brad in a hotel room was a better deal than hanging out with your kid. We get it. But you don’t need to go on and on about your own poor choices. It got tired after the second time.

Girl Who I’ve Changed My Opinion About the Most:

This has to be Jackie (the one who sorta kinda looks like Idina Menzel). On the show we liked her perky goofiness. On this episode, though, she can’t even see Michelle is having a producer-staged breakdown on stage. She has to keep running off her mouth seemingly oblivious to any emotion happening right in front of her. Bad move, Jackie. This is most likely the last anyone will see of you, and THAT’S the impression you want to leave us with?

Most Overdramatic Moment of the Night:

This would be Chris telling the producers to cut away to a commercial so Michelle can compose herself after she has supposedly lost it. “We’ll be right back so she can regroup,” he tells us in his best fake-solemn voice. “This is stupid,” you can hear a girl off-camera saying since they all know this whole waterworks acting job is a big fake.

My other half pointed out that he didn’t actually see any tears coming out of Michelle’s eyes during all of these sad, emotional scenes. While I didn’t pay any attention to that, I did notice that there were so many candles behind her that at one point the audience members sitting behind her were shimmering behind the heat waves coming up.

Girl Who Contradicted Herself the Best:

After the skanky bartender from Boston has just told Michelle that in her skanky bartender family they were raised to believe that children are more important than anything, the girls all start to gang up on Michelle for leaving her daughter. Michelle tells them all, “You have no right to question my mothering!” and she’s 100% right.

Jackie, who is losing more and more points as the episode wears on, quips back, “I would never make a comment about you being a mother!” and then without skipping a beat does exactly what she just said she would never do by adding, “You are the best mother EVER!”

Wait a sec here, Jackie. Didn’t you JUST say you would never make a comment about Michelle’s mothering skills? And then you just commented on her mothering skills. Strike three. I like Michelle more than Jackie now for sure.

Favorite Audience Members:

The producers always stack the audience with people who they can cut to for good close-ups of reaction shots. We always have the “go to” people we can count on for arched eyebrow holier-than-thou looks, the ones who can pull the perfect disgusted face when someone says something they totally disagree with, and the over-eager single ladies who think that if they over-emote and put on a good show, maybe they too will be plucked out of obscurity and thrust into the arms of a charming man whore.

Well last night we had all of those, but did you notice we also got a new subset? For Michelle’s entire interview and breakdown, they kept shooting to two older women. Like senior citizen old. Like “We’re here to cheer on Florence Henderson on Dancing with the Stars but we walked into the wrong studio” old.

They were certainly well put together and not at all frumpy or dowdy in a Mama’s Family way, but it stood out to me that every time Michelle would reference leaving her daughter, the cameras would cut to these two ladies nodding knowingly almost like they approved of every word Michelle was saying. “You have no right to question my mothering!” Cut to approving nod in unison. Why did Brad keep Michelle around for so long? “He loved my confidence.” Cut to approving nod in unison. I think this was all a subconscious way of making us more supportive of Michelle. Just a guess, but there’s a reason they cut away to these two so much during those segments, no?

Weirdest Outburst of the Night:

Did anyone else fall out of their chair when Britt actually spoke? And it was, like, several sentences she said? And did you then fall further out of your chair when you realized that the girl who has said three words all season decides only to speak to defend Michelle?! How nuts is that? The only reason she talks is to come to Michelle’s defense and says that Michelle is gorgeous and confident and yadda yadda yadda. Who knew? She may as well have just asked her out on date, right? It was all a little too over the top and gushy for no apparent reason.

Saddest Sympathy One-on-One:

Poor Ashley H. She’s cute and perky, her dad recently died, she got to sing with Brad and Seal, and Brad dumped her big time in Vegas in favor of the other Ashley. I’m not sure why the producers decided to give her a featured segment on this episode, but they brought out all of the sad stares, minor key violin music, and sympathetic frowns from the audience members as Ashley H’s story was replayed for us. Then to top it off we hear that she’s been cheated on and has never been in a fulfilling, mature relationship before. This whole thing felt like an online video dating service for her. “Choose her! She’s cute and perky and only a little bit damaged. Well OK, a lot damaged, but she’s still likeable. Choose her, please?” I hope she at least will get a bunch of dates from that whole sad segment.

Dumbest Question of the Night:

As Chris is rehashing all the dumping that Not-A-Dentist Ashley had to endure in South Africa, they get to talking about the chemistry that she and Brad really did have. Ashley tells him that she and Brad had something unspoken going on, so of course he asks her, “What did you have that was unspoken?”

Um, Chris…dude. If something’s unspoken, that means the person can’t speak about it. So how exactly are you expecting her to answer your question?

Best Answer to A Dumb Question:

After poor Ashley has been through the wringer seeing her dates with Brad played over and over while she’s shrunken down to a little box in the corner, Chris tells us that Brad is about to come out onstage live and in person. “What do you want to say to him?” Chris asks Ashley.

And Ashley gets a smirk on her face and answers back, “That I love him!” I literally laughed out loud at that. Maybe Ashley has more personality than I gave her credit for? Or maybe she’d been taking hits on the laughing gas that dentists get? Either way, this was the funniest line of the night.

You Are SO Not Oprah Award

I was baffled by seeing Brad and Chris travel to a South African preschool. What in god’s name were they doing there? What possible reason could the producers have had for showing us that The Bachelor gave these kids a solar water heater? This whole segment was SO self-serving. You guys are SO not Oprah in any way, shape, or form.

I’m guessing the only reason they did this whole charade was so that Chris could show off that he has skills other than hosting. Did anyone else notice his mad soccer skills where he kept the ball away from a four-year-old? Nice job, Chris. You’ve not only provided a hot bath for that little boy, but you’ve lowered his self-esteem by about 75%. Oprah would never have shown off like that. Next time you guys show up to a place like that, everyone better be getting cars and trips to Australia, otherwise it just doesn’t count.

Funniest Moment from the Funniest Moment Clip Montage:

This is a tie, but they both involve Emily.

1. Who else loved the elephants humping behind Brad and Emily during their date? And how ironic was it that the prim and proper southern girl got to watch pachyderms gettin’ it on in the watering hole.

2. And I thought it was a really funny omen of things to come that Emily dropped her Fantasy Suite key in the South African muck. Glad we got to see that outtake too!

Worst Editing for a Preview for Next Week:

Next week we see shots of Brad and one of the final ladies lowered in a shark tank. We see giant sets of teeth on the sharks as they swim dangerously close to the young lovers. But then even though we clearly see Brad and the beauty totally submerged underwater, we hear Brad’s voice clear as a bell say, “Oh my god...there’s a shark right there!” How can he be saying this so clearly if he’s underwater? I get that there could be a microphone on him in the shark cage, but it would never sound that clear. I think we are victims of bad editing again, my friends.

So next week is the big finale. If you read the spoiler sites you already know who wins and who the next Bachelorette will be. I’m not sure how they are going to fill up two full hours, but they always manage to do just that. I’ll be back next week to recap it all. Until then, don't forget to "Like" us over at After the Rose on Facebook and tell a friend!

Hippos, Hakuna Matata, and Cold Showers

Thanks for hanging in there this week, After the Rose fans. I’ve been a bit under the weather, and this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and write. Also, those of you who follow the spoiler sites know that there has been a lot of action over there this week. I kinda wanted to wait to see what would come of all of it before I typed all of this up just in case some of what I say is outdated. Apologies if it is!

In a way, it’s all good since we were back to a boring, long-winded episode again this week. How did the producers manage to make two hours in South Africa be such a long, dreary affair? There WERE a few highlights, though, so let’s get to ‘em…

“You Are Not Survivor” Award:

This goes to the producers, of course. Survivor always has to edit in shots of the local animals looking all creepy and stalker-y to add to the tone of how everyone on that show backstabs and sneaks around like creepy crawly creatures. But it doesn’t work as well here on The Bachelor. It felt like half of this episode was filler shots of every sort of animal imaginable. There are only so many zebras and giraffes you can watch when what you really just want is to get down to Bachelor business. Leave the wildlife to the professionals, producers!

Funniest Line of the Night:

This could even be a contender for funniest line of the season. As Brad and Chantal’s boobs and too-short jeans cut-off shorts are Jeep-ing through the scary backroads of the South African wilds, Brad tells us, “I’m sitting here looking at the South African bush!” Maybe Chantal should wear pants next time?

Most Bummed with Her Animal Symbolism:

On Survivor they use shots of wildlife to symbolize characters’ personalities. Just as a sneaky, conniving person flips someone to his side we’ll get a shot of a spider killing and eating its prey. Or just as someone is about to get blindsided we’ll see a helpless mouse being swallowed whole by a vicious snake.

Apparently The Bachelor is different. As Brad and Chantal O. are eating their picnic by the local watering hole, they are greeted by a pack (herd? bevy? flock?) of hippos. Since she’s been getting so much crap for how much weight she put on during the taping of the series, how bummed do you think Chantal was to see her romantic date interspersed with tons of shots of fat, roly-poly hippos flicking their ears and floating lazily in the water? Symbolism much, producers? Mean, mean, mean…

(Also, why was Chantal’s dinner date with Brad in the broad daylight? The other two got romantic nighttime dates for dinner, but it looked like Chantal and Brad were eating lunch instead. What gives?)

Coolest Fantasy Suite:

This has to be that really neat treehouse that Brad and Chantal got busy in. Such a cool setting – open-air, under the stars, lions roaring in the background, and black mamba snakes winding their way up the trunk to kill you once you fall asleep. I couldn’t think of any better place to get my first peek at Brad’s naughty bits.

Dumbest Line of the Night:

This is actually a tie, but both awards go to Emily, so I’ll put them in the same category.

It’s Emily’s turn for some one-on-one time and she and Brad run to each other in joyous glee as they first see each other. But Brad has a little something up his sleeve. He tells Emily to wait and that he forgot something. Then he turns and bolts back up the dirt road he came down. Emily stares after him, perplexed. Then she waits. And she waits. And she waits. Will Brad ever come back? Surely he’s left her there forever. In the midst of her emotional turmoil she tells us in a voiceover, “It’s possible a lion could come eat me!”

GASP! A lion!? Think about it Emily. Even if there were an actual lion within a mile of that spot where you are standing, it would have to get through all of the camera, sound, and lighting people, the producers and directors, the flunkies who are waving the mosquitoes off of you, and the snipers they have stationed every ten feet around you to ensure your safety. So yes, it’s possible a lion could come eat you, I guess. But not really…

Then later as they are riding along, Emily chirps to Brad, “This is like The Lion King, but better!” It’s like the WHAT now? The Lion King? Really? So you being on that elephant with Brad is just like a bunch of cartoons singing and fighting their way to total domination over the pridelands? Really? Hakuna Matata, Em…

Biggest Sign It’s Time for a New Dream:

I’ve ridden an elephant before. Yeah, it’s fun. It’s different. It makes you smile. But it also makes you kinda seasick and it also keeps feeling like you’re about to be thrown off.

So I had a tough time understanding why Emily kept gushing that riding an elephant was her “dream”. Emily is so excited to ride the elephant that she even tells Brad to “shut up” and then proceeds to hurl out several “Oh my goodness gracious!”-s and “Oh my dear lord”-s.

Really, Emily? This is your dream? Finding a new daddy for Little Ricki isn’t a dream? Having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life isn’t your dream? I think it’s time to re-evaluate, sweetie.

Most Psyched About Her Animal Symbolism:

Emily was doing a little happy dance in front of her TV when she saw her dinner date with Brad. Sure, Chantal got roly-poly hippos looking fat, slobby, and lazy. But when Brad and Emily start making out, they get the sounds of elephant trumpets in the background. How much more excited and happy can THAT symbolism be? Of course, the sounds were totally faked and put in during editing back in LA, but Emily must have been happy that sub-consciously we now associate Chantal with fat hippos and Emily with (fake) trumpets of joy.

Best Excuse for a Cold Shower:

After Brad and Emily’s romantic dinner out in the middle of the African nowhere surrounded by thousands of pairs of animal eyes and creepy-crawly insects trying to sneak in from everywhere, Brad hands Emily the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it out loud. Brad’s all hot and bothered since he didn’t get to go all the way with Emily last week when her daughter was sleeping a few feet away. Out here in South Africa there’s no daughter, so he’s all ready to do the horizontal South African shuffle.

But, alas, our Em is a good girl with high moral standing. She reminds Brad that she’s a mom to a five year old girl (like moms can’t be sexual? Lame…), and so she’s looking forward to using her time in the Fantasy Suite to talk and get to know Brad more.

Translation: “You ain’t gettin’ any of this tonight, Big Brad. Paws off.”

Cold shower, Table Five, please?

Fakest Over-Reaction of the Show:

This goes to Not-a-Dentist Ashley, who when she sees that her date involves a helicopter runs for the hills in surprise and shock like she had no idea her date would involve flying. Is she not staying at the same place where Brad is staying? Did she not hear the roar of the helicopter landing just down the street? How is this such a surprise to her? She and Brad just walked down the road a ways from her house to get to the thing. You think she would have noticed it landing there, right?

This whole “This is my biggest fear!” thing is getting so tired on this show. How many times do we have to see people facing what is supposedly their biggest fear only to find comfort and solace in the arms of their significant other to help them through it? Those people almost always get dumped on this show too. I guarantee that whomever has to go in the shark tank on next week’s episode will somehow let us know that sharks and/or deep water are their biggest fears.

Happiest Blogger Moment:

Interspersed throughout the episode, ABC was revealing the new cast for Dancing with the Stars. And I couldn’t be happier. This season’s cast is dull, lame, boring, virtually unknown, and a big waste of time. I’m so happy that I will get two to three nights a week back by not having to watch any of it. THAT’S the best they could do?! Not boding well for that show…

Most Obvious Crash and Burn Moment of the Show:

We can all see Ashley and Brad’s date totally unraveling at the seams. And we can see the reason is that Ashley is not giving Brad the answers he’s looking for. Why can’t SHE see that? I mean, I’m in front of a DVR in California, never met either of them in real life, and even I can see that! The fact that Ashley is playing with her hair so much and that Brad is looking everywhere but at her can’t be a good sign either, huh?

Brad ends up dumping her, but he does the gentlemanly thing and pulls her out for some alone time to soften the blow. “I need to tell you goodbye,” the writers have told him to say. Ashley tries to hold it together, plays the whole “I’m shocked!” card, and gets whisked off into the African wilds never to be heard from again. Or maybe not? Stay tuned…

Meanwhile, Emily and Chantal are standing out next to what looks like a mosquito and crocodile-infested bog in the blistering sun. That’s love. The cameras keep cutting back to these two waiting while Brad dumps Ashley. It’s funny to see these two start to wilt with every shot. By the end Emily’s hair has shrunken about three sizes and even Chantal’s boobs aren’t looking as perky as they used to.

Most Useless Host Award:

This, of course, goes to Chris Harrison, who seems to be a pretty useless host overall. This is one of those shows I feel like would be the exact same without a host at all. After Brad dumps Ashley, there’s no need to have the suspense of handing out the final rose. So we don’t get to hear Chris tell Brad, “Brad, ladies, this is the final rose of the evening.” Even Brad remarks that Chris is absent from that duty.

Poor Chris. I wonder where he was instead? Sitting out on his porch in the sun having his daily massage? On a plane hightailing it back to LA to get out of the malaria-infested mosquito cloud? Let’s all take a moment and send poor Chris our positive thoughts…

Lamest Preview for Next Week:

On the next “real” episode in two weeks (next week is The Women Tell All), we see that Brad and the two ladies are heading to Cape Town. Didn’t you love how Brad announced it like he had any idea where it was and/or could even locate it on a map? He tells them that he considers it “…one of the most exciting cities in the world!” like he’s been anywhere other than Costa Rica and Anguilla. It never is a good thing when the producers have these people try to pretend like they are the experts in the countries or cities they are visiting. Remember Allie in Portugal with Roberto? You would have thought that she practically invented Portugal, she knew so much about it. My guess is we’re going to get a lot of that from Brad too.

Most Interesting Cuisine During the Credits:

It was kinda funny to watch Brad trick Chantal into eating a worm and then not eat one himself after she freaked out and over-reacted. And kinda funny that the hippos were still watchin’ them. Kinda…

Next week the women are going to tell all. I’m sure the producers have cooked up some juicy catfights and planted the right people in the audience to sneer maniacally when Michelle walks out and to applaud sympathetically when just-dumped Ashley takes the stage. There is bound to be snarkiness and maybe even a crossed leg bobbing up and down (or two? or three?) And I’ll be back on time next week to recap it all.

Don’t forget to “like” us on After the Rose over on Facebook. We always like to hear what you have to say! Catch you next week…

Versailles, Doubloons, and Disinterested Little Kids

It’s time for the hometown dates! I always look forward to this episode since it takes us out of the humdrum episodes where everyone is all in one place at the same time. Sure it’s fun to watch the cattiness when the girls are all locked up in the same mansion, but getting out to the other cities is a nice change of pace, dontcha think?

It’s also fun to watch how bad the editing gets on these episodes since the producers don’t have much control over where these girls are from. In every home the producers decided to pixilate out certain items. They do this every season and it always leaves me wondering what was back there that was so forbidden on ABC? Did Shawntel’s dad put up pictures of her nude in a coffin? Did Chantal O.’s dad have up a painting of him and his wife dressed as nuns on a Harley? What gives?

There’s plenty to talk about on these hometown dates, so let’s get to it…

Dumbest Fashion Choices:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to Brad during the scenes when he’s flashing back to his times so far with the four remaining ladies. What was up with that dumb cap he had on? It looked like he was part of the cast of Newsies or something. I get that he’s in New York City which calls for a more sophisticated look than when he was in, say Anguilla. But that cap just made him look like he should be yelling, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” on some 1930’s-era street corner. They couldn’t have made him more city-chic by greasing his hair back and putting him in a blazer with no tie?

I loved how as they were showing shots of Brad pensively thinking on his balcony overlooking New York they put in the choice sound bite of him saying, “Also…I’m thinking a lot.” Maybe this thing is a Thinking Cap? I guess that could explain a few things, huh?

2. The second award goes to Chantal O., who during her entire time with Brad wore an outfit that made her look like a United Airlines flight attendant circa 1985. What was the deal with the red, white, and blue scarf? It didn’t move the entire time.  And paired with the dark clothes, her whole look screamed, “Thank you for flying the friendly skies! Coffee? Tea? Or me?”

Longest Streets in America:

Apparently, Seattle has some awesomely long streets in it. When Chantal O. tells Brad that she lives four streets away from her parents and hangs out there a lot for dinner, we all go, “Awww…how nice!” Brad and Chantal O. hang at her place for a while with her little yappy dog who doesn’t bite Brad and two cats who couldn’t care less about him (foreshadowing of Emily’s daughter later in the show?)

When it comes time to go four streets away to meet the parents, Brad and Chantal O. hop in the black SUV and drive…and drive…and drive, all the while talking away. How long does it take to drive four streets in Seattle? I’ve been there a few times and nothing seemed THAT long.

Coolest House from the Outside:

This goes to Chantal O. Did anyone else see the front of her house and automatically think, “BRADY BUNCH!” There was something about it – the lines, the façade, the landscaping – that made me think Mike and Carol Brady were going to be inside all lined up on the banister of the staircase with the six kids ranged from tallest to shortest. Am I way off base here?

The interior did not match the exterior at all. Chantal’s bachelorette pad is actually pretty nice and modern (even though the show made her light the ubiquitous candles during the daytime…)

Pet Name That Inspires the Most Foreshadowing:

One of Chantal’s cat’s names is Jinxie. As in “I hope I don’t jinx this whole thing and end up pushing Brad away, so let me press my boobs out further while we sit and chat!”

Biggest Surprise of the Show:

This has to go to Chantal O.’s parents’ house. Was that even a house? I think we should call it Versailles and leave it at that. I had read on the spoiler pages that Chantal comes from some money and that her dad was a racecar driver in his day, but I had no idea that her family was THAT wealthy. How tall were those front doors? Like three stories each? And that “living room” where they all chatted at first? Those ceilings must have been at least four stories high. I expected King Louis and his court to appear at any moment and order someone’s head chopped off.

And didn’t you love how they had to showcase every inch of the house by taking every permutation of one-on-one discussions and staging them in different rooms? We got to see Dad’s study, the wine cellar (how many HUNDREDS of bottles were piled up behind Brad and Dad in that scene?), and even some sort of courtyard outside where there is a giant statue. Like GIANT statue. Like “bigger-than-the-statue-of-David” giant statue. I loved how Dad and Brad had to do a “one up” of how far each of them and their ancestors had come to get to where they are now. The conversation went something like this:

“My grandfather was a mason.”

“So was mine, but he had to lay the bricks backwards at night in a snowstorm with no shoes on. He worked hard.”

“I used to lay bricks too.”
“So did I, but I didn’t get paid for it.”

“Grunt grunt!”

“Man sound, man sound!”

(or something like that, anyway…)

And did you notice how DARK everything was in that place? Even during the broad daylight there was zero natural light coming in anywhere.  I’m sure the producers LOVED lighting that whole scenario.

These folks are definitely rolling in the dough, but the producers made sure to let us know that they earned every penny and worked hard for all they have. Unlike Chantal. This whole Versailles thing explains why her house is so swanky when her job is an admin assistant at her dad’s business. If you were Brad, you would totally tap into all this wealth, no? My money is on Chantal O’s boobs for the win here.

Saddest Commentary on Our Society:

How sad is it that every girl who brought Brad back to her parents’ house had to knock on the door and ring the doorbell first? Don’t they have keys to their own parents’ houses? I do. Is that weird? Maybe the producers made them knock so we could get those really shrill screams of happiness and doubling over in elation that greeted all of the waiting families on the other side of the door? I dunno, but I think it’s pretty sad when kids are locked out of the houses where they grew up.

MILF-iest Mom of the Hometown Dates:

This of course goes to Chantal’s mom, who is a cross between Marie Osmond, Angelina Jolie, and Linda Gray (Sue Ellen from Dallas). She perched on her little throne in the sitting room and pouted those giant lips and waved around that tightly packed (yet strangely visible) cleavage for Brad to check out. I’m sure Brad was relieved to get a preview of coming attractions when he met Chantal’s mom. She even had on chunky jewelry, which makes her Bachelor cool these days, I guess.

And did you just love that her name is Billie Joe? It somehow fit her so well, but I don’t know why.

Most Obvious Wardrobe Malfunction of the Night:

When we first meet Chantal’s family, we see her younger brother Connor in the mix in his red jersey and sports-style clothes. Then we cut to dinnertime and everyone is wearing what they were wearing earlier except for him. The producers have obviously noticed how damned dark this house is and how your eye naturally went to the bright red color he was wearing, and so they have made him change into a black hoodie-style thing and sit on the other side of the table away from the main event. Poor Connor.

Best Pirate Impersonation of the Night:

This goes to Dentist Ashley who is wearing giant silver earrings that could double as pirate doubloons in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Arrrrr, me maties! In search of me buried treasure, are ya?

Most Disgusting Regional Cuisine:

After his sophisticated time at Chez Chantal’s Folks, Brad next has to rough it and brave the wilds of northernmost Maine. And instead of getting to see her house and meet her pets (since Ashley doesn’t even live here anymore), Brad has to settle for some time alone at the restaurant where Ashley WORKED THE BAR in HIGH SCHOOL! Did you all pick up on that too? How does someone legally work the bar when they are still under 21? I guess they interpret laws differently out in the middle of French-patois nowhere.

Anyway, Dentist Ashley tells Brad he just HAS to order the local favorite dish – “poutine” (I had to look it up to know how to spell it since it kept sounding like they were saying “puts in”. I was so bummed when I realized I wouldn’t be able to make some sort of double-entendre with “puts-in” in the blog this week. Ah well…) This dish consists of fries, cheese, and gravy. This didn’t sound too bad until I saw it. And let me tell you, you can call it any French name you’d like, but that plate still looked like a heap of greasy fries with crap dripping all over it. I can guarantee you would not find that dish anywhere near a real French restaurant. Every French ancestor of Ashley’s is rolling over in his/her grave as Ashley makes num-num sounds and feeds Brad a greasy fry dripping with gravy. To each his/her own, but I think I’ll pass on the poutine next time I’m up in Mooseland.

One of my favorite lines of the night comes from Brad at this point when he looks down at the disgusting mess in front of him and opines, “This looks SO much better than sushi!” Huh? Why is he comparing THOSE two dishes? Why sushi? Why not, “This looks SO much better than dog food”? or, “This looks SO much better than that crap Chantal’s mom made me eat”?

Lamest Language Lesson:

Next, Ashley titters at the lame way Brad tries to order his “French” food. She reassures him that he’s doing fine, like they have moved to downtown Paris and his life depends on knowing his way around the language. Then, in a head-slapping “I coulda had a V-8!” moment, Brad accidentally answers “sí” to the woman who brings them their food. Oh NO! he answered, “Sí”!

After this major cultural faux pas (do you like how I snuck some French in there?) we have to endure a cringe-worthy rehashing of the event by Brad as he tells us that  “sí” is SPANISH (wait for the head slap), not FRENCH! Did y’all get that? He’s in a French-speaking place and he answered in SPANISH! And to add to the moment, the producers at this point decide to start piping in the dumbass soundtrack that seems to follow Brad everywhere.

I’m not sure why Brad and the producers decided to emphasize this all so much since it just points out again how dumb Brad seems. I can’t wait for them to go to South Africa next week and have Brad lament to us, “I’m nervous since I don’t know how to speak South African!”

Best Sign That She’s Not the Girl for You:

As Brad opens wide to have Dentist Ashley feed him a greasy fry, she peers into his mouth and tells him that she saw his crown. Really, Ashley? You really want Brad to feel self-conscious about what’s in his mouth when this is your only alone time with him for a long while? You can’t tell him how huge his arms look even though they are buried underneath all of those layers? Or how sexy his smile is? You have to go right for the crown in the back of his mouth?

Um, Brad…she’s not the girl for you (plus, she says “Like” WAY too much. Can you imagine her as your dentist? “Um…like, I’m gonna like totally need you to like open wide now, OK?”)

Idea That Would Work the Least Well in My Neighborhood:

Didn’t you smile nostalgically at the “Honor System” to pay for all of the fresh fruits and veggies? That would never fly where I live. That food would be gone in a flash and the money box along with it. It’s nice that the producers have pointed out a really good place for you to go if you ever want an easy robbery job where no one will see you steal a cash box. Thanks for that, guys.

Most Surprising Sibling of the Night:

Dentist Ashley so far has been portrayed as bubbly and perky, if not a little sloshy and pinkie-sticking-out-y when she’s sipped too much. She’s the quintessential sorority girl out of college – squeaky clean Breck girl looks and reputation, but trying to show a more serious, professional side as well.

So how totally unprepared were we for meeting her sister? Out in the middle of nowhere-Maine all of a sudden appears this chick who is COVERED in tattoos. She has her sleeves rolled up and we can see them coursing down her arms. But the better prize awaits, because just as I am about to make a crack about the chunky jewelry hanging on her chest, I realize it’s tattoos TOO! This girl has them coming up her CLEAVAGE! Score! I love that the producers didn’t make her cover them up at all. They could have made her wear some black hoodie like poor Connor, but no. They chose just to let her have it all hang out. I couldn’t stop staring at all the artwork and wondering how much it must HURT to get a tattoo on your breastbone. OUCH!

And it’s icing on the cake that this sister’s name is Chrystie. She joins a long list of Bachelor and Bachelorette wannabes who don’t know how to spell their own names (how’s life treatin’ you these days Alli with no “E”?)

Most “Riches to Rags” Moment:

While Chantal’s dad talks to Brad in the wine cellar stoked with fine vintages from all over the world, the atrium, the courtyard, and all other parts of his vast estate, it appears that Ashley’s dad takes Brad out to what used to be a garage that has now been turned into a Man Cave. This is definitely a step down for ol’ Brad. I’m not knocking that Ashley’s family obviously has less money than Chantal’s, but it’s gotta register on Brad’s radar that if he picks Ashley he’s going to be watching the Super Bowl with her dad in a freezing cold garage, and if he picks Chantal he’ll get to watch it in an actual home theater with heated chairs and table service. I think the choice is obvious, right?

Biggest Producer Lie of the Season:

As Brad is chatting in the Man Cave/garage with Dentist Ashley’s dad, Dad accidentally lets slip that Ashley IS NOT EVEN A DENTIST YET! Wait, you mean that every time you’ve been flashing her name up on the screen with her hometown and the word “dentist” underneath, that you knew she wasn’t even a dentist yet? Dad says she’s still in school. Oh my god. Now I REALLY don’t want Ashley anywhere near my mouth. Pinkie down, sweetheart, pinkie down…

This paints her in a whole new light now. Before I thought that she was an actual dentist with patients, a practice, and one of those chairs that Brad can get busy in with her after hours. But now we come to realize that’s all been a sham perpetuated by the producers. Dentist Ashley is actually Dentist-in-Training Ashley, which is too much to type, so she’ll just go back to being Ashley for now.

Funniest Ad for a Mortuary:

It was Bachelor GOLD that they dug up that ad with Shawntel and her family pimping out their funeral home, wasn’t it? Classic! I’m sure that got her lots of play on the mean streets of Chico. I’m guessing it’s pretty tough to make your mortuary ad stand out, but they made sure Shawntel was right there all dolled up. Actually, out of all of the ladies left she is the most naturally hot. The other three I am guessing are the types that are so made up that you wouldn’t even recognize them in the morning without their makeup on and their hair done. Shawntel seems like the most naturally beautiful of the group.

Creepiest Date of the Night:

The set-up for this one was huge, and it didn’t disappoint. Of course the winner of this is Brad’s date with Shawntel at the mortuary. The producers do it up right by playing dirge-y organ music that sounds like it’s straight out of Phantom of the Opera (the black and white movie, not the Andrew Lloyd Weber one. I have standards, y’know…)

After touring where the bodies are cremated (shudder) and cracking jokes about death in front of the actual remains of people in the crematorium, the two skip merrily down the hall to the embalming room. Here, Brad makes the unwise decision to get himself up on the table like he’s at his physical and he’s ready to turn and cough. Instead of Shawntel’s hands cupping his privates, though, he is subjected to all of the instruments of death Shawntel has at her disposal and gets a blow-by-blow of the process she goes through to embalm bodies. It takes all the way until Shawntel starts talking about draining the carotid artery for Brad to finally say, “Yeah…this is really weird.” Brad, the Weird Train left the station about half-past touring where the bodies are burned.

Hottest Siblings:

Wow…Shawntel’s sisters are as good-looking as she is. Totally hot. They are named Destiny and Vanessa too which sound like porn star names already when you add them to Shawntel. Funny that they both have the blonde hair, blue-eyed thing going on while Shawntel has the dark, sultry thing happening. I’m guessing that their mortuary gets a lot of business just through these three girls alone, right?

Worst Way to Tell Your Dad You Don’t Want to Be an Embalmer in Chico Your Whole Life:

Poor Shawntel’s dad. He’s all excited to see his daughter and meet her new beau. Dinner goes great. Lots of scintillating small talk. And then during his alone time with her Dad gets the bomb dropped on him. If Brad chooses Shawntel in the end, she’ll most likely blow this death joint and not carry on Dad’s side of the family business. Poor Dad seems blindsided by this. In one fell swoop, all of his dreams for his daughter taking over his business so he can retire in Boca just flew out the window like mortuary smoke (Did I just SAY that?! Yes…I did…) This is how Shawntel tells him? On national TV? Not too classy. Shawntel.

Worst Way to React When Your Daughter Has Just Told You That She Doesn’t Want to Be an Embalmer in Chico Her Whole Life:

So after hearing the news, Dad does what any self-respecting parent would do and turns on the guilt BIG TIME. He starts off by reminding Shawntel this wasn’t the plan she talked about with him. “You’re making a U-turn here,” he tells her. When it’s obvious that this tack won’t work, he brings out the big guns and reminds her that one of her high school teachers tragically lost a child while Shawntel was out gallivanting around the world with Brad. “She desperately needed you,” he reminds her. Really, Dad? You’re gonna play it like that? I get that you’re nervous about all of your plans being destroyed, but really. Have you SEEN your daughter? Did you really think she was going to hang in Chico at a mortuary her whole life? Bad move, Dad.

Creepiest Family Portrait:

I love looking in the backgrounds of the shots while they film at the parents’ houses. You get some great insight into the people who live there. In Shawntel’s family’s case, what was up with that super weird painting of the three girls the camera decided to zoom in on and hold for a few seconds? Was that set up to add to the creepiness factor already present on this date? None of the girls looked even remotely like they do in real life. Shawntel was unrecognizable. The girls all had super elongated faces and appeared like caricatures, but morbid ones. I think dad should be hanging this on the wall of his office at the mortuary, not in the middle of the living room.

Least Interested in Having Anything to Do With Brad:

This goes to Little Ricky (“Babaloo!”), Emily’s girl. It was painfully awkward to watch Brad try to break through to her. Of course the producers were setting us up for a big emotional moment when she started to open up and actually bond with him, but this didn’t really ever happen. Yes, they tried to show us shots of her flying her lame kite that the producers bought for Brad and told him to give her to break the ice. Yes, they played Candyland together. Yes, he helped tuck her in at night. Yes, she drew him a picture of flying a kite. But in the end, all Brad got was a thank you and a sorta smile and we got 10,000 edits of faked giggling foleyed in on top of shots where no one’s mouth was giggling at all or when everyone’s back was turned to us.

Little kids know a lot about people without saying a word. They are like pets that way. Mark my words. If Brad ends up choosing Emily in the end, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Little Ricky (“That’s Vita-meata-vegimin!”) will turn into that girl from Firestarter for sure.

Overstatement of the Season:

We see that Emily too lives in a huge, gorgeous house. If she wasn’t legally married to the racecar driver, I wonder where she got all of that cash from? Why didn’t we meet her parents? Do they help her out? She doesn’t live in a place like that being a non-profit charity event organizer like her subtitle says, that’s for sure.

As she lets Brad into Chez Emily, she tells us that she has a very boring, humdrum life. She worries that Brad, “…might not like the simplicity of my life.” Wait…the WHAT now? Did you all check out that little girl’s room complete with full-sized playhouse and every stuffed animal and toy known to mankind? THAT is simple? Or how gigantic that house is for one woman and her little girl? THAT is simple? Overstatement of the year for sure.

Strangest Nickname:

I get that Emily wants to shield Little Ricky (“Luuuuuucy! I’m hooooome!”) from all the bad dates and one-night stands she’s ever had, but why did she keep insisting on calling Brad “Mr. Brad”? So strange. Why not just “Brad”? If they got married, I assume that’s what the little girl would call him. Calling him Mr. Brad just made him seem like the male nanny.

Biggest Blown Opportunity:

Wow, Brad. You finally have a hot girl all to yourself. She says it’s been AGES since she last, you know, “got busy” (Pshaw…yeah right!) So what do you do? You push aside the dishes of congealed mac and cheese on the table in front of you and ravish her like the sweet young thing she is? Nope. Not our Brad. He’s a stand-up guy and tells Emily that with her daughter sleeping just upstairs he wants to respect their family and not put the moves on ol’ Em.

To our shock, Emily is actually totally disappointed by this, as if she were expecting Brad to just do the deed right there on the TV room floor. She even tells him that in not so many words and arches her eyebrows and looks away demurely, but Brad ain’t havin’ any of that. He’s going to play the “I’m a stand-up gentleman from Texas who respects women even if they want to get horizontal within earshot of their daughter” card.

You blew it, Big Guy. All you get is a smooch in the doorway on the way out. (And P.S….how much did you want the kid to come walking down the staircase asking for a drink of water JUST as they were making out? How perfect would THAT have been?)

Worst Dress at the Rose Ceremony:

Ouch, Chantal O. That red dress was too tight and too shiny. I’m all for flaunting what you got, but there was nothing flattering about that dress at all.

Didn’t she looked packed in there and super-uncomfortable throughout the whole ceremony.

Least Surprising Scene:

We all knew Shawntel was going to get dumped. I think the writing was pretty much on the wall for that happening once the creepy Phantom organ music started playing. The poor thing tells us that she didn’t see it coming, though, and cries in the back of the limo as she tells us she really saw her and Brad getting married. She rubs her forehead a lot and tells us wistfully, “I’ll miss him.” Poor Shawntel. I’m guessing that if things don’t work out in the Big City, that there’s a small town in Chico that’s itchin’ to get its sexiest embalmer back again.

Most Interesting Preview Scenes:

Apparently next week’s episode is all set to music from The Lion King since that’s the only style of music we hear in the background. From what I could see, I’m most looking forward to the huge lion roar that will undoubtedly symbolize Brad’s sexual prowess, Emily freaking out about the Fantasy Suite card, and Brad wearing a tailored suit and leaning pensively on a railing out in the middle of the African savannah. It will all be great, I’m sure!

Preview of Why Brad and Emily Should Never Be Together:

In the closing credits we get to see Bard and Em all homey and makin’ mac and cheese in her kitchen. He’s playing up the “I’m such a guy and I don’t know how to cook” thing. At one point she turns to him and says, “You DO need a woman in your life.” To which he answers, “Did you just call me dude?” And…scene. Please keep these two as separate from each other as possible. The dullness and vapidity (is that even a word? If not, I just made it up here.) are mind-numbing and if these two ever bred the results could be catastrophic. Let’s hope she freaks out in the Fantasy Suite next week and bolts back to Charlotte.

And with that, we wrap up another episode of hometown dates. We’re down to the Final Three next week which means my favorite episode, The Women Tell All, is just around the corner. Can’t wait!

As always, come on over and “Like” us on Facebook at After the Rose. I’m starting to feel self-conscious that no one is even reading any of these even though I see how many hits I generate throughout the week from all over the world. Drop a line! Leave a comment. We’d love to chat.

Until next week…

Dr. Evil, Bob Marley's Second Cousin Twice Removed, and Sippy Chicks

Before we dive into the dirt from last night’s episode, I’d like to offer an apology. Last week’s blog sucked. I rushed to get it done and the quality definitely suffered. I could have done a much better job if I’d had more time, and I apologize it wasn’t up to snuff. As in the actual show, they can’t all be winners. You’ve got to have some crazies and some losers too. Consider that my “Michelle” blog and let’s just call it even, OK? Onward…

“Sucks to Be You!” Award:

This goes to Britt who has said about twelve words this entire season, but is the first girl interviewed in Anguilla. Like Alli last week, we hear Britt’s frustration at not having had any one-on-one time with Brad thus far. This does not bode well for ol’ Britt, who we know from past experience will get dumped some time before the night is through. This was Alli’s exact storyline last week: “Wah, wah, wah! I never get alone time with Brad! I’m getting lots of interview time all of a sudden! I got the one-on-one date! But I’m boring and there’s no chemistry so I’m getting dumped!” It’s also a bit disconcerting to see how many piercings Britt has in her ear at any one time. Brad won’t go for a girl like that, guaranteed.

Dumbest Line of the Night:

This goes to Emily, who when the helicopter shows up to whisk them away on her one-on-one date with Brad chirps, “You do too much on our dates!” like Brad has anything to do with any part of the planning. Does Emily really think that Brad phones ahead to the helicopter company and the people who own the private island to see if they can help him out with his “special date”? Does she really think Brad buys the champagne and the picnic lunch ahead of time? Does she really think that Brad was even responsible for assigning this date to Emily? She is totally deluded if she thinks any of this. The producers tell Brad where to go and what to do and orchestrate every second of it themselves.

Dr. Evil Award:

This whole season I’ve painted Brad as a dumb-as-a-stump, deer in the headlights, there’s nothing going on behind those eyes type of guy. But did anyone else catch his near-maniacal laughter as Emily and he landed on the private island? There were several shots of him laughing with a very creepy tone. Is this how he normally laughs? If so, I can see why he’s been dateless for so long. No amount of broad shoulders or bulging biceps can cure that.

But maybe there’s another side to Brad I hadn’t seen before? Maybe I was wrong? Maybe he is smarter than I’m giving him credit for and is actually an evil mastermind behind a whole Bachelor plot where he knows that the whole thing is faked and is giggling maniacally at us because he thinks we’re falling for it? Whatever the reason, those laughs were pretty creepy…kinda like Dana Carvey doing a George Bush laugh as the devil.

Least Creative Place Names:

OK…so apparently Anguilla is a gorgeous tropical island paradise full of azure seas, glorious beaches, and friendly people. Why then, for the love of all things calypso, would they come up with such boring, self-evident place names? When Brad and Emily land on their own private sandy island, it’s not called something intriguing and Caribbean-y like “Castaway Island” or “Pirates’ Lair Island”. No…Anguilla had to pull out all the stops and name this sandy island “Sandy Island”. Really, guys?

Later on, during his date with Britt, they find themselves climbing up rocks to jump off into a little bay of water, and, of course, Anguilla has named this little bay “Little Bay”. C’mon, Anguilla…how about “Lovers’ Leap”? Or “Swirling Bay of Certain Death”? You had to call it “Little Bay”? Where’s the creativity there? You guys need to try way harder if you want anyone to even know where you are on a map.

And while we’re on the subject of Sandy Island, did anyone else notice the thousands of footprints that were already there before the helicopter even landed? Once I saw those, it didn’t really feel like a private island for only the two of them to share. It felt like the camera guys, producers, boom operators, directors, script writers, photographers, and various and sundry flunkies all had their way with that island before Brad and Emily even got close to it.

Mother Who Should Be the Most Worried:

This one goes to Emily. What’s with Brad’s obsession with meeting her daughter? They have gone out on two dates on a faked reality show. Where does it say that meeting her little girl and causing her psychological damage when she bonds with a self-serving, shallow stud for a week before he cheats on her mother is a pre-requisite for moving forward in this game?

On this one-on-one date Brad sorta puts down an ultimatum that he has to meet Emily’s daughter if he’s going to make a decision about moving forward with her. “It’d be huge if you’d allow me!” he grunts in his caveman monotone, and she rightfully waffles. Then Brad pulls out the big guns and tells her that this is all getting so real and she looks at him with puppy dog eyes.

Any fan of I Love Lucy got a kick out of Emily referring to her daughter as “Little Ricky”, right? Every time Brad kept pressing the point of meeting Ricky, I kept picturing her as a pint-sized Cuban kid pounding out Babaloo on her conga drum at the Tropicana.

We see a ton of stupid sun and moon symbolism and they go back and forth and nothing gets resolved about the meeting, but they do manage to find time to get busy making out in the waves, so I guess all is not lost. But Emily should tread lightly with this whole “Can I meet your kid?” thing. Mark my words…

Best “Goin’ Rogue” Moment:

This goes to Brad as he throws the rulebook to the wind and tells Emily flat out that she’s getting a rose tonight. Oh no! Brad just broke the rules! Now the producers are going to have to fire him from the show even though it’s almost done and find a replacement to go all the way back to the start and begin all over again, costing millions and millions of dollars! Does anyone really think this show has “rules” like that? And if they do and Brad actually broke a major one, do you really think the show would let us SEE that?

A close second for this is Brad telling Chris Harrison that he doesn’t need the final cocktail party to make his decision. This doesn’t really count as a “rogue” move, though, since it’s been done by others before.

Most Bummed Out to Hear Her Date Card Being Read:

Poor Shawntel the undertaker. She scores a surprise one-on-one date with Brad, but her Date Card says, “Let’s find love on the streets of Anguilla.” Doesn’t that make it sound like she and Brad are going scouting for whores? Isn’t that exactly what Rush Limbaugh said he was doing when he got caught at the airport with all of that Viagra on his way to the Caribbean? What kind of love does Brad think he will find exactly on the streets of Anguilla? I’ve never been there, but I’m guessing for the right price Brad and Shawntel will be able to find any kind of love they’d like, right?

Sadly for our interest level, the love Brad means is romantic love. So that means the same montage we get every season when the show heads somewhere with a third world element present – lots of pictures of the young lovers mixing it up and having fun with the locals. On this episode Brad and Shawntel jump rope, ride bikes, play dominoes with locals who barely tolerate them, get a thumbs up from Bob Marley’s second cousin twice removed, sip coconut milk straight out of the coconut just like the locals do, and get told by a woman who you know they casted for in Hollywood to play the part of mysterious soothsayer/matchmaker that they are in love and make a great couple. It’s all so…so…so…REAL, isn’t it?

Most Inappropriately Dressed:

This also goes to Shawntel, who apparently was not told she’d be straddling a bike and jumping rope on her date. She shows up in a very tight sarong-thing that makes spreading her legs a bit of a challenge to say the least. On second thought, maybe that was a good thing in the long run?

Worst Eye Contact:

Did anyone else notice how Shawntel almost never looks Brad directly in the eyes? She’s always looking down or away or has her eyes closed. What’s that about? Hiding much, Shawntel? Brad is telling you about his parents’ divorce and his dad never being there and all you can do is look off to the side. What’s so distracting over there? Is Michelle making faces? Is Chris Harrison skinny-dipping? Do tell…

Worst Editing Job of the Night:

After Brad and Shawntel eat dinner, the rain starts to pour down hard. They even comment on it and we see shots of it streaming out of the sky. But then there is a cut to them making out and there is no rain falling anymore. Then another cut…no rain. Then a different angle, and it’s pouring again. They just don’t even try with this stuff anymore, do they?

Worst Surprise of the Season:

So Brad has just taken Shawntel on what she calls her “perfect date” for the day and then they have topped the day off with a romantic dinner and making out in the (edited) rain. Brad then announces he has yet ANOTHER surprise in store, and Shawntel is most likely envisioning another shopping trip in Vegas or at the very least a peek at Brad’s naughty bits.

But no…Shawntel’s hopes are dashed when their date is suddenly invaded by a bunch of partiers all waiting to hear some locally famous reggae guy play a concert right next to them. All of a sudden their one-one-one time has become one-on-a-hundred-and-a-grizzled-looking-reggae-singer time. Total buzz kill. We can even watch as Shawntel has to muscle her way through the crowd so she can catch a glimpse of the singer. Poor thing. She’s gonna end the night with hickeys AND bruises…

Falsest Advertising:

Britt’s Date Card said, “Let’s sail on the sea of love,” but I cry foul on that. Doesn’t that line sound romantic? Doesn’t it conjure images of romantic sunsets and moonlit nights gracefully bobbing in the open sea? Well, for Britt, apparently, it means you have to swim out to your own boat. It also means that everyone calls that boat a yacht, when it most obviously is just a big boat. When one thinks of yachts, one imagines gigantic vessels with graceful appointments and luxurious décor. This tub was just a big, white boat. We didn’t even get to see the inside of it since the producers knew that it would suck and we’d figure them out. This is not Donald Trump’s yacht or the Sultan of Oman’s yacht. This is Bob Marley’s second cousin twice removed’s fishing boat, and we all know it.

To top it off, this cruise on the “sea of love” Is marked by high winds that blow Britt’s hair everywhere and even cause the tablecloth to blow on top of the candles. Apparently some pretty strong rain showers moved through at some point. Did anyone else notice all the drops falling off of all of the metal railings? And these storms start the boat pitching and rocking so hard that even I was getting seasick watching the background rise and fall above them as they ate. Nothing about this date was romantic or even remotely connected to setting sail on the sea of love.

And, of course, Britt (who thinks she can’t be dumped on this date) gets dumped on this date and doesn’t get to make a walk of shame out to a limo. No, poor Britt gets to be ferried back to the mainland (didn’t you want to see them make her walk the plank and swim for it herself?  I wonder if Kasey is still stranded out on that glacier?), and then have to let herself back in to the girls’ villa to pack her stuff and explain to everyone else why she’s crying and upset. Didn’t you just love how the producers told the girls to over-emote as Britt walked through the door to pack? Never in the history of the show have we seen any girls more excited to see someone come back from a date, but the show made sure we saw it last night to heighten the tension when Britt finally has to admit that she just got dumped. Awesome move, producers!

Most Blatant Product Tie-In of the Show:

This would of course be the “fashion shoot” that Dentist Ashley, Crazy Michelle, and Chantal O’s boobs have for Sports Illustrated. I wonder why they chose a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot for these girls? It couldn’t be because the actual swimsuit issue came out today, could it? What an amazing coincidence of timing!

I haven’t seen the magazine yet, but I’m gonna guess Chantal O. gets to be the one inside since Dentist Ashley runs around screaming how she has no boobs and Michelle just basically turns the whole shoot into a porn production with her steamy make out session with Brad. Although, did you hear the photographer ooh and aah over how Dentist Ashley could do an “Oh what a feeling!” jump in the air and kick her feet out? It was like he’d never seen anyone jump before. “Great! Keep going! One more time!” So maybe Ashley DOES make it into the magazine?

Sippiest Chick:

I mentioned before that Dentist Ashley should not be sippin’ on the all of the booze that the producers foist on these people. A few episodes ago she embarrassed herself and got all half-lidded and pinkie-sticking-out and slurred words at a pool party. On this episode she did the same and it wasn’t pretty. This girl needs to stick with the Crystal Geyser.

Most Contrived Scene:

This one is the toughest to decide, but I’m going to give it to Brad deciding to give the rose on the Group Date to Dentist Ashley. After we have heard him say to Crazy Michelle that he thinks all of their conversations are deep and how easy it is to talk with her, and after he makes out with Chantal O. and walks on the sea floor near Catalina with her and lends her his shirt, he ends up giving THIS rose to Dentist Ashley. This predictably sets off Chantal O. who immediately crumples into a pit of despair and depression as the sad strings well up behind her and she wipes her face a lot. It couldn’t have been choreographed better – give the rose to the woman you have the least connection with and watch the waterworks (or eye daggers in Crazy Michelle’s case) turn on full blast from the others.

Freakiest Reoccurring Theme:

OK…I haven’t been commenting this season on the blue lights that show up everywhere somehow backlighting every scene. But last night’s sighting of them was just too good to pass up. As the girls arrive for the cocktail party, we see the name of the hotel is “Le Bleu”, which means “The Blue” en francais. And as they walk through the grounds to get to Brad, what is everywhere along the way lighting up the fountains and pools and shining up walls? Yup…you guessed it…the blue light. It’s a whole freakin’ HOTEL of blue lights! Right there in Anguilla! Who knew?

Most “Are You Even Listening to Him?” Line:

As Brad explains to Chris Harrison that he doesn’t need the final cocktail party to make his decision tonight, he says, “I’m very clear in my decision,” to which Chris of course responds, “It seems like you’re clear.” News flash, Chris. You get a lot of crap on this show for coming off as shallow, unintelligent, and too hook-nosed. I’ll let you guess which of the three categories this line falls under.

Hugest Disappointment of the Season:

So in the end Brad gives roses to Emily (we knew this already since he went rogue and told her he would do it), Chantal’s boobs, and Shawntel (since he’s always heard about what a kickass party town Chico is and he’s totally stoked for beer bong hits and toga parties). That means Crazy Michelle is finally toast.

We wring our hands expectantly and shift a little closer to the TV in preparation for the fireworks explosion of venom and vitriol that we know will begin coursing out of Michelle’s mouth as it dawns on her that fake eyebrows and porn sessions in the sand aren’t enough to win Brad’s heart.

Alas, we get none of that. What we see are several shots of Michelle looking surprised and arching her eyebrows, then Brad walking her to the car while she tells him “probably not” when he asks if he can hold her hand, then her telling him she doesn’t want to talk, then a weird montage of her pushing herself down sideways into the back seat of the car and twitching in a weird way. And that’s it.

Wait…that’s IT?! They have set this chick up to be the be-all and end-all of crazy chicks on this show. We’ve gotten every catty one-liner from her and every stalker-y pose and thought from her. She gets dumped on national TV and we only get to see her rubbing her face on the naugahyde of a lame Anguilla LIMO?! Where are the quippy retorts back to Brad? Where are the throw-down lines to the remaining ladies about what she really thinks of them? Where is her emotional meltdown in the back of the car? Where’s the CRAZY?

This is, frankly, one of the biggest letdowns in recent Bachelor history. All of that set-up for nuttin’. Michelle comes in like a lion and goes out like an old porn star. Good riddance, Michelle. Hope your eyebrows grow back some day and that you finally make it out of that beauty shop in Salt Lake City where you worked once so the producers put that down under your name every time you appeared on screen since you really live in LA and work as a model now. We’ll miss you!

Epilogue:

We can already tell who’s gonna get dumped next week during the previews. We see Brad having fun and smiling with Chantal O’s boobs and with Emily and her daughter, but the music turns all creepy as he visits Undertaker Shawntel’s work and lies down on the embalming table and tours the beautiful furnace where they turn humans into ashes. Remember the hometown date Ali went on where one guy’s dad did taxidermy and the psycho music played the whole time? That guy was toast within the hour.

The credits are supposed to be funny when two of the girls sneak up on a snoozing Dentist Ashley as she dozes outside, but it all just really makes me feel jealous that I want some place in the middle of February where it’s warm enough to sleep outside under the stars in my swimsuit. It IS kinda funny to see Ashley call the other girls “You f***ers!” as they run away, but otherwise, I wish that were me snoozin’ in paradise.

OK, Bachelor fans. That’s a wrap for this week. Hope this blog is better than last week’s. I promise to try harder, although it’s going to be tough since we’re down to all of the boring girls now. Everyone with personality (except you Britt…you were just plain boring the whole time you were there) is gone now. Catch you next week for the hometown dates, and please don’t forget to “Like” us over on Facebook at After the Rose!