Versailles, Doubloons, and Disinterested Little Kids

It’s time for the hometown dates! I always look forward to this episode since it takes us out of the humdrum episodes where everyone is all in one place at the same time. Sure it’s fun to watch the cattiness when the girls are all locked up in the same mansion, but getting out to the other cities is a nice change of pace, dontcha think?

It’s also fun to watch how bad the editing gets on these episodes since the producers don’t have much control over where these girls are from. In every home the producers decided to pixilate out certain items. They do this every season and it always leaves me wondering what was back there that was so forbidden on ABC? Did Shawntel’s dad put up pictures of her nude in a coffin? Did Chantal O.’s dad have up a painting of him and his wife dressed as nuns on a Harley? What gives?

There’s plenty to talk about on these hometown dates, so let’s get to it…

Dumbest Fashion Choices:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to Brad during the scenes when he’s flashing back to his times so far with the four remaining ladies. What was up with that dumb cap he had on? It looked like he was part of the cast of Newsies or something. I get that he’s in New York City which calls for a more sophisticated look than when he was in, say Anguilla. But that cap just made him look like he should be yelling, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” on some 1930’s-era street corner. They couldn’t have made him more city-chic by greasing his hair back and putting him in a blazer with no tie?

I loved how as they were showing shots of Brad pensively thinking on his balcony overlooking New York they put in the choice sound bite of him saying, “Also…I’m thinking a lot.” Maybe this thing is a Thinking Cap? I guess that could explain a few things, huh?

2. The second award goes to Chantal O., who during her entire time with Brad wore an outfit that made her look like a United Airlines flight attendant circa 1985. What was the deal with the red, white, and blue scarf? It didn’t move the entire time.  And paired with the dark clothes, her whole look screamed, “Thank you for flying the friendly skies! Coffee? Tea? Or me?”

Longest Streets in America:

Apparently, Seattle has some awesomely long streets in it. When Chantal O. tells Brad that she lives four streets away from her parents and hangs out there a lot for dinner, we all go, “Awww…how nice!” Brad and Chantal O. hang at her place for a while with her little yappy dog who doesn’t bite Brad and two cats who couldn’t care less about him (foreshadowing of Emily’s daughter later in the show?)

When it comes time to go four streets away to meet the parents, Brad and Chantal O. hop in the black SUV and drive…and drive…and drive, all the while talking away. How long does it take to drive four streets in Seattle? I’ve been there a few times and nothing seemed THAT long.

Coolest House from the Outside:

This goes to Chantal O. Did anyone else see the front of her house and automatically think, “BRADY BUNCH!” There was something about it – the lines, the façade, the landscaping – that made me think Mike and Carol Brady were going to be inside all lined up on the banister of the staircase with the six kids ranged from tallest to shortest. Am I way off base here?

The interior did not match the exterior at all. Chantal’s bachelorette pad is actually pretty nice and modern (even though the show made her light the ubiquitous candles during the daytime…)

Pet Name That Inspires the Most Foreshadowing:

One of Chantal’s cat’s names is Jinxie. As in “I hope I don’t jinx this whole thing and end up pushing Brad away, so let me press my boobs out further while we sit and chat!”

Biggest Surprise of the Show:

This has to go to Chantal O.’s parents’ house. Was that even a house? I think we should call it Versailles and leave it at that. I had read on the spoiler pages that Chantal comes from some money and that her dad was a racecar driver in his day, but I had no idea that her family was THAT wealthy. How tall were those front doors? Like three stories each? And that “living room” where they all chatted at first? Those ceilings must have been at least four stories high. I expected King Louis and his court to appear at any moment and order someone’s head chopped off.

And didn’t you love how they had to showcase every inch of the house by taking every permutation of one-on-one discussions and staging them in different rooms? We got to see Dad’s study, the wine cellar (how many HUNDREDS of bottles were piled up behind Brad and Dad in that scene?), and even some sort of courtyard outside where there is a giant statue. Like GIANT statue. Like “bigger-than-the-statue-of-David” giant statue. I loved how Dad and Brad had to do a “one up” of how far each of them and their ancestors had come to get to where they are now. The conversation went something like this:

“My grandfather was a mason.”

“So was mine, but he had to lay the bricks backwards at night in a snowstorm with no shoes on. He worked hard.”

“I used to lay bricks too.”
“So did I, but I didn’t get paid for it.”

“Grunt grunt!”

“Man sound, man sound!”

(or something like that, anyway…)

And did you notice how DARK everything was in that place? Even during the broad daylight there was zero natural light coming in anywhere.  I’m sure the producers LOVED lighting that whole scenario.

These folks are definitely rolling in the dough, but the producers made sure to let us know that they earned every penny and worked hard for all they have. Unlike Chantal. This whole Versailles thing explains why her house is so swanky when her job is an admin assistant at her dad’s business. If you were Brad, you would totally tap into all this wealth, no? My money is on Chantal O’s boobs for the win here.

Saddest Commentary on Our Society:

How sad is it that every girl who brought Brad back to her parents’ house had to knock on the door and ring the doorbell first? Don’t they have keys to their own parents’ houses? I do. Is that weird? Maybe the producers made them knock so we could get those really shrill screams of happiness and doubling over in elation that greeted all of the waiting families on the other side of the door? I dunno, but I think it’s pretty sad when kids are locked out of the houses where they grew up.

MILF-iest Mom of the Hometown Dates:

This of course goes to Chantal’s mom, who is a cross between Marie Osmond, Angelina Jolie, and Linda Gray (Sue Ellen from Dallas). She perched on her little throne in the sitting room and pouted those giant lips and waved around that tightly packed (yet strangely visible) cleavage for Brad to check out. I’m sure Brad was relieved to get a preview of coming attractions when he met Chantal’s mom. She even had on chunky jewelry, which makes her Bachelor cool these days, I guess.

And did you just love that her name is Billie Joe? It somehow fit her so well, but I don’t know why.

Most Obvious Wardrobe Malfunction of the Night:

When we first meet Chantal’s family, we see her younger brother Connor in the mix in his red jersey and sports-style clothes. Then we cut to dinnertime and everyone is wearing what they were wearing earlier except for him. The producers have obviously noticed how damned dark this house is and how your eye naturally went to the bright red color he was wearing, and so they have made him change into a black hoodie-style thing and sit on the other side of the table away from the main event. Poor Connor.

Best Pirate Impersonation of the Night:

This goes to Dentist Ashley who is wearing giant silver earrings that could double as pirate doubloons in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Arrrrr, me maties! In search of me buried treasure, are ya?

Most Disgusting Regional Cuisine:

After his sophisticated time at Chez Chantal’s Folks, Brad next has to rough it and brave the wilds of northernmost Maine. And instead of getting to see her house and meet her pets (since Ashley doesn’t even live here anymore), Brad has to settle for some time alone at the restaurant where Ashley WORKED THE BAR in HIGH SCHOOL! Did you all pick up on that too? How does someone legally work the bar when they are still under 21? I guess they interpret laws differently out in the middle of French-patois nowhere.

Anyway, Dentist Ashley tells Brad he just HAS to order the local favorite dish – “poutine” (I had to look it up to know how to spell it since it kept sounding like they were saying “puts in”. I was so bummed when I realized I wouldn’t be able to make some sort of double-entendre with “puts-in” in the blog this week. Ah well…) This dish consists of fries, cheese, and gravy. This didn’t sound too bad until I saw it. And let me tell you, you can call it any French name you’d like, but that plate still looked like a heap of greasy fries with crap dripping all over it. I can guarantee you would not find that dish anywhere near a real French restaurant. Every French ancestor of Ashley’s is rolling over in his/her grave as Ashley makes num-num sounds and feeds Brad a greasy fry dripping with gravy. To each his/her own, but I think I’ll pass on the poutine next time I’m up in Mooseland.

One of my favorite lines of the night comes from Brad at this point when he looks down at the disgusting mess in front of him and opines, “This looks SO much better than sushi!” Huh? Why is he comparing THOSE two dishes? Why sushi? Why not, “This looks SO much better than dog food”? or, “This looks SO much better than that crap Chantal’s mom made me eat”?

Lamest Language Lesson:

Next, Ashley titters at the lame way Brad tries to order his “French” food. She reassures him that he’s doing fine, like they have moved to downtown Paris and his life depends on knowing his way around the language. Then, in a head-slapping “I coulda had a V-8!” moment, Brad accidentally answers “sí” to the woman who brings them their food. Oh NO! he answered, “Sí”!

After this major cultural faux pas (do you like how I snuck some French in there?) we have to endure a cringe-worthy rehashing of the event by Brad as he tells us that  “sí” is SPANISH (wait for the head slap), not FRENCH! Did y’all get that? He’s in a French-speaking place and he answered in SPANISH! And to add to the moment, the producers at this point decide to start piping in the dumbass soundtrack that seems to follow Brad everywhere.

I’m not sure why Brad and the producers decided to emphasize this all so much since it just points out again how dumb Brad seems. I can’t wait for them to go to South Africa next week and have Brad lament to us, “I’m nervous since I don’t know how to speak South African!”

Best Sign That She’s Not the Girl for You:

As Brad opens wide to have Dentist Ashley feed him a greasy fry, she peers into his mouth and tells him that she saw his crown. Really, Ashley? You really want Brad to feel self-conscious about what’s in his mouth when this is your only alone time with him for a long while? You can’t tell him how huge his arms look even though they are buried underneath all of those layers? Or how sexy his smile is? You have to go right for the crown in the back of his mouth?

Um, Brad…she’s not the girl for you (plus, she says “Like” WAY too much. Can you imagine her as your dentist? “Um…like, I’m gonna like totally need you to like open wide now, OK?”)

Idea That Would Work the Least Well in My Neighborhood:

Didn’t you smile nostalgically at the “Honor System” to pay for all of the fresh fruits and veggies? That would never fly where I live. That food would be gone in a flash and the money box along with it. It’s nice that the producers have pointed out a really good place for you to go if you ever want an easy robbery job where no one will see you steal a cash box. Thanks for that, guys.

Most Surprising Sibling of the Night:

Dentist Ashley so far has been portrayed as bubbly and perky, if not a little sloshy and pinkie-sticking-out-y when she’s sipped too much. She’s the quintessential sorority girl out of college – squeaky clean Breck girl looks and reputation, but trying to show a more serious, professional side as well.

So how totally unprepared were we for meeting her sister? Out in the middle of nowhere-Maine all of a sudden appears this chick who is COVERED in tattoos. She has her sleeves rolled up and we can see them coursing down her arms. But the better prize awaits, because just as I am about to make a crack about the chunky jewelry hanging on her chest, I realize it’s tattoos TOO! This girl has them coming up her CLEAVAGE! Score! I love that the producers didn’t make her cover them up at all. They could have made her wear some black hoodie like poor Connor, but no. They chose just to let her have it all hang out. I couldn’t stop staring at all the artwork and wondering how much it must HURT to get a tattoo on your breastbone. OUCH!

And it’s icing on the cake that this sister’s name is Chrystie. She joins a long list of Bachelor and Bachelorette wannabes who don’t know how to spell their own names (how’s life treatin’ you these days Alli with no “E”?)

Most “Riches to Rags” Moment:

While Chantal’s dad talks to Brad in the wine cellar stoked with fine vintages from all over the world, the atrium, the courtyard, and all other parts of his vast estate, it appears that Ashley’s dad takes Brad out to what used to be a garage that has now been turned into a Man Cave. This is definitely a step down for ol’ Brad. I’m not knocking that Ashley’s family obviously has less money than Chantal’s, but it’s gotta register on Brad’s radar that if he picks Ashley he’s going to be watching the Super Bowl with her dad in a freezing cold garage, and if he picks Chantal he’ll get to watch it in an actual home theater with heated chairs and table service. I think the choice is obvious, right?

Biggest Producer Lie of the Season:

As Brad is chatting in the Man Cave/garage with Dentist Ashley’s dad, Dad accidentally lets slip that Ashley IS NOT EVEN A DENTIST YET! Wait, you mean that every time you’ve been flashing her name up on the screen with her hometown and the word “dentist” underneath, that you knew she wasn’t even a dentist yet? Dad says she’s still in school. Oh my god. Now I REALLY don’t want Ashley anywhere near my mouth. Pinkie down, sweetheart, pinkie down…

This paints her in a whole new light now. Before I thought that she was an actual dentist with patients, a practice, and one of those chairs that Brad can get busy in with her after hours. But now we come to realize that’s all been a sham perpetuated by the producers. Dentist Ashley is actually Dentist-in-Training Ashley, which is too much to type, so she’ll just go back to being Ashley for now.

Funniest Ad for a Mortuary:

It was Bachelor GOLD that they dug up that ad with Shawntel and her family pimping out their funeral home, wasn’t it? Classic! I’m sure that got her lots of play on the mean streets of Chico. I’m guessing it’s pretty tough to make your mortuary ad stand out, but they made sure Shawntel was right there all dolled up. Actually, out of all of the ladies left she is the most naturally hot. The other three I am guessing are the types that are so made up that you wouldn’t even recognize them in the morning without their makeup on and their hair done. Shawntel seems like the most naturally beautiful of the group.

Creepiest Date of the Night:

The set-up for this one was huge, and it didn’t disappoint. Of course the winner of this is Brad’s date with Shawntel at the mortuary. The producers do it up right by playing dirge-y organ music that sounds like it’s straight out of Phantom of the Opera (the black and white movie, not the Andrew Lloyd Weber one. I have standards, y’know…)

After touring where the bodies are cremated (shudder) and cracking jokes about death in front of the actual remains of people in the crematorium, the two skip merrily down the hall to the embalming room. Here, Brad makes the unwise decision to get himself up on the table like he’s at his physical and he’s ready to turn and cough. Instead of Shawntel’s hands cupping his privates, though, he is subjected to all of the instruments of death Shawntel has at her disposal and gets a blow-by-blow of the process she goes through to embalm bodies. It takes all the way until Shawntel starts talking about draining the carotid artery for Brad to finally say, “Yeah…this is really weird.” Brad, the Weird Train left the station about half-past touring where the bodies are burned.

Hottest Siblings:

Wow…Shawntel’s sisters are as good-looking as she is. Totally hot. They are named Destiny and Vanessa too which sound like porn star names already when you add them to Shawntel. Funny that they both have the blonde hair, blue-eyed thing going on while Shawntel has the dark, sultry thing happening. I’m guessing that their mortuary gets a lot of business just through these three girls alone, right?

Worst Way to Tell Your Dad You Don’t Want to Be an Embalmer in Chico Your Whole Life:

Poor Shawntel’s dad. He’s all excited to see his daughter and meet her new beau. Dinner goes great. Lots of scintillating small talk. And then during his alone time with her Dad gets the bomb dropped on him. If Brad chooses Shawntel in the end, she’ll most likely blow this death joint and not carry on Dad’s side of the family business. Poor Dad seems blindsided by this. In one fell swoop, all of his dreams for his daughter taking over his business so he can retire in Boca just flew out the window like mortuary smoke (Did I just SAY that?! Yes…I did…) This is how Shawntel tells him? On national TV? Not too classy. Shawntel.

Worst Way to React When Your Daughter Has Just Told You That She Doesn’t Want to Be an Embalmer in Chico Her Whole Life:

So after hearing the news, Dad does what any self-respecting parent would do and turns on the guilt BIG TIME. He starts off by reminding Shawntel this wasn’t the plan she talked about with him. “You’re making a U-turn here,” he tells her. When it’s obvious that this tack won’t work, he brings out the big guns and reminds her that one of her high school teachers tragically lost a child while Shawntel was out gallivanting around the world with Brad. “She desperately needed you,” he reminds her. Really, Dad? You’re gonna play it like that? I get that you’re nervous about all of your plans being destroyed, but really. Have you SEEN your daughter? Did you really think she was going to hang in Chico at a mortuary her whole life? Bad move, Dad.

Creepiest Family Portrait:

I love looking in the backgrounds of the shots while they film at the parents’ houses. You get some great insight into the people who live there. In Shawntel’s family’s case, what was up with that super weird painting of the three girls the camera decided to zoom in on and hold for a few seconds? Was that set up to add to the creepiness factor already present on this date? None of the girls looked even remotely like they do in real life. Shawntel was unrecognizable. The girls all had super elongated faces and appeared like caricatures, but morbid ones. I think dad should be hanging this on the wall of his office at the mortuary, not in the middle of the living room.

Least Interested in Having Anything to Do With Brad:

This goes to Little Ricky (“Babaloo!”), Emily’s girl. It was painfully awkward to watch Brad try to break through to her. Of course the producers were setting us up for a big emotional moment when she started to open up and actually bond with him, but this didn’t really ever happen. Yes, they tried to show us shots of her flying her lame kite that the producers bought for Brad and told him to give her to break the ice. Yes, they played Candyland together. Yes, he helped tuck her in at night. Yes, she drew him a picture of flying a kite. But in the end, all Brad got was a thank you and a sorta smile and we got 10,000 edits of faked giggling foleyed in on top of shots where no one’s mouth was giggling at all or when everyone’s back was turned to us.

Little kids know a lot about people without saying a word. They are like pets that way. Mark my words. If Brad ends up choosing Emily in the end, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Little Ricky (“That’s Vita-meata-vegimin!”) will turn into that girl from Firestarter for sure.

Overstatement of the Season:

We see that Emily too lives in a huge, gorgeous house. If she wasn’t legally married to the racecar driver, I wonder where she got all of that cash from? Why didn’t we meet her parents? Do they help her out? She doesn’t live in a place like that being a non-profit charity event organizer like her subtitle says, that’s for sure.

As she lets Brad into Chez Emily, she tells us that she has a very boring, humdrum life. She worries that Brad, “…might not like the simplicity of my life.” Wait…the WHAT now? Did you all check out that little girl’s room complete with full-sized playhouse and every stuffed animal and toy known to mankind? THAT is simple? Or how gigantic that house is for one woman and her little girl? THAT is simple? Overstatement of the year for sure.

Strangest Nickname:

I get that Emily wants to shield Little Ricky (“Luuuuuucy! I’m hooooome!”) from all the bad dates and one-night stands she’s ever had, but why did she keep insisting on calling Brad “Mr. Brad”? So strange. Why not just “Brad”? If they got married, I assume that’s what the little girl would call him. Calling him Mr. Brad just made him seem like the male nanny.

Biggest Blown Opportunity:

Wow, Brad. You finally have a hot girl all to yourself. She says it’s been AGES since she last, you know, “got busy” (Pshaw…yeah right!) So what do you do? You push aside the dishes of congealed mac and cheese on the table in front of you and ravish her like the sweet young thing she is? Nope. Not our Brad. He’s a stand-up guy and tells Emily that with her daughter sleeping just upstairs he wants to respect their family and not put the moves on ol’ Em.

To our shock, Emily is actually totally disappointed by this, as if she were expecting Brad to just do the deed right there on the TV room floor. She even tells him that in not so many words and arches her eyebrows and looks away demurely, but Brad ain’t havin’ any of that. He’s going to play the “I’m a stand-up gentleman from Texas who respects women even if they want to get horizontal within earshot of their daughter” card.

You blew it, Big Guy. All you get is a smooch in the doorway on the way out. (And P.S….how much did you want the kid to come walking down the staircase asking for a drink of water JUST as they were making out? How perfect would THAT have been?)

Worst Dress at the Rose Ceremony:

Ouch, Chantal O. That red dress was too tight and too shiny. I’m all for flaunting what you got, but there was nothing flattering about that dress at all.

Didn’t she looked packed in there and super-uncomfortable throughout the whole ceremony.

Least Surprising Scene:

We all knew Shawntel was going to get dumped. I think the writing was pretty much on the wall for that happening once the creepy Phantom organ music started playing. The poor thing tells us that she didn’t see it coming, though, and cries in the back of the limo as she tells us she really saw her and Brad getting married. She rubs her forehead a lot and tells us wistfully, “I’ll miss him.” Poor Shawntel. I’m guessing that if things don’t work out in the Big City, that there’s a small town in Chico that’s itchin’ to get its sexiest embalmer back again.

Most Interesting Preview Scenes:

Apparently next week’s episode is all set to music from The Lion King since that’s the only style of music we hear in the background. From what I could see, I’m most looking forward to the huge lion roar that will undoubtedly symbolize Brad’s sexual prowess, Emily freaking out about the Fantasy Suite card, and Brad wearing a tailored suit and leaning pensively on a railing out in the middle of the African savannah. It will all be great, I’m sure!

Preview of Why Brad and Emily Should Never Be Together:

In the closing credits we get to see Bard and Em all homey and makin’ mac and cheese in her kitchen. He’s playing up the “I’m such a guy and I don’t know how to cook” thing. At one point she turns to him and says, “You DO need a woman in your life.” To which he answers, “Did you just call me dude?” And…scene. Please keep these two as separate from each other as possible. The dullness and vapidity (is that even a word? If not, I just made it up here.) are mind-numbing and if these two ever bred the results could be catastrophic. Let’s hope she freaks out in the Fantasy Suite next week and bolts back to Charlotte.

And with that, we wrap up another episode of hometown dates. We’re down to the Final Three next week which means my favorite episode, The Women Tell All, is just around the corner. Can’t wait!

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Until next week…

Dr. Evil, Bob Marley's Second Cousin Twice Removed, and Sippy Chicks

Before we dive into the dirt from last night’s episode, I’d like to offer an apology. Last week’s blog sucked. I rushed to get it done and the quality definitely suffered. I could have done a much better job if I’d had more time, and I apologize it wasn’t up to snuff. As in the actual show, they can’t all be winners. You’ve got to have some crazies and some losers too. Consider that my “Michelle” blog and let’s just call it even, OK? Onward…

“Sucks to Be You!” Award:

This goes to Britt who has said about twelve words this entire season, but is the first girl interviewed in Anguilla. Like Alli last week, we hear Britt’s frustration at not having had any one-on-one time with Brad thus far. This does not bode well for ol’ Britt, who we know from past experience will get dumped some time before the night is through. This was Alli’s exact storyline last week: “Wah, wah, wah! I never get alone time with Brad! I’m getting lots of interview time all of a sudden! I got the one-on-one date! But I’m boring and there’s no chemistry so I’m getting dumped!” It’s also a bit disconcerting to see how many piercings Britt has in her ear at any one time. Brad won’t go for a girl like that, guaranteed.

Dumbest Line of the Night:

This goes to Emily, who when the helicopter shows up to whisk them away on her one-on-one date with Brad chirps, “You do too much on our dates!” like Brad has anything to do with any part of the planning. Does Emily really think that Brad phones ahead to the helicopter company and the people who own the private island to see if they can help him out with his “special date”? Does she really think Brad buys the champagne and the picnic lunch ahead of time? Does she really think that Brad was even responsible for assigning this date to Emily? She is totally deluded if she thinks any of this. The producers tell Brad where to go and what to do and orchestrate every second of it themselves.

Dr. Evil Award:

This whole season I’ve painted Brad as a dumb-as-a-stump, deer in the headlights, there’s nothing going on behind those eyes type of guy. But did anyone else catch his near-maniacal laughter as Emily and he landed on the private island? There were several shots of him laughing with a very creepy tone. Is this how he normally laughs? If so, I can see why he’s been dateless for so long. No amount of broad shoulders or bulging biceps can cure that.

But maybe there’s another side to Brad I hadn’t seen before? Maybe I was wrong? Maybe he is smarter than I’m giving him credit for and is actually an evil mastermind behind a whole Bachelor plot where he knows that the whole thing is faked and is giggling maniacally at us because he thinks we’re falling for it? Whatever the reason, those laughs were pretty creepy…kinda like Dana Carvey doing a George Bush laugh as the devil.

Least Creative Place Names:

OK…so apparently Anguilla is a gorgeous tropical island paradise full of azure seas, glorious beaches, and friendly people. Why then, for the love of all things calypso, would they come up with such boring, self-evident place names? When Brad and Emily land on their own private sandy island, it’s not called something intriguing and Caribbean-y like “Castaway Island” or “Pirates’ Lair Island”. No…Anguilla had to pull out all the stops and name this sandy island “Sandy Island”. Really, guys?

Later on, during his date with Britt, they find themselves climbing up rocks to jump off into a little bay of water, and, of course, Anguilla has named this little bay “Little Bay”. C’mon, Anguilla…how about “Lovers’ Leap”? Or “Swirling Bay of Certain Death”? You had to call it “Little Bay”? Where’s the creativity there? You guys need to try way harder if you want anyone to even know where you are on a map.

And while we’re on the subject of Sandy Island, did anyone else notice the thousands of footprints that were already there before the helicopter even landed? Once I saw those, it didn’t really feel like a private island for only the two of them to share. It felt like the camera guys, producers, boom operators, directors, script writers, photographers, and various and sundry flunkies all had their way with that island before Brad and Emily even got close to it.

Mother Who Should Be the Most Worried:

This one goes to Emily. What’s with Brad’s obsession with meeting her daughter? They have gone out on two dates on a faked reality show. Where does it say that meeting her little girl and causing her psychological damage when she bonds with a self-serving, shallow stud for a week before he cheats on her mother is a pre-requisite for moving forward in this game?

On this one-on-one date Brad sorta puts down an ultimatum that he has to meet Emily’s daughter if he’s going to make a decision about moving forward with her. “It’d be huge if you’d allow me!” he grunts in his caveman monotone, and she rightfully waffles. Then Brad pulls out the big guns and tells her that this is all getting so real and she looks at him with puppy dog eyes.

Any fan of I Love Lucy got a kick out of Emily referring to her daughter as “Little Ricky”, right? Every time Brad kept pressing the point of meeting Ricky, I kept picturing her as a pint-sized Cuban kid pounding out Babaloo on her conga drum at the Tropicana.

We see a ton of stupid sun and moon symbolism and they go back and forth and nothing gets resolved about the meeting, but they do manage to find time to get busy making out in the waves, so I guess all is not lost. But Emily should tread lightly with this whole “Can I meet your kid?” thing. Mark my words…

Best “Goin’ Rogue” Moment:

This goes to Brad as he throws the rulebook to the wind and tells Emily flat out that she’s getting a rose tonight. Oh no! Brad just broke the rules! Now the producers are going to have to fire him from the show even though it’s almost done and find a replacement to go all the way back to the start and begin all over again, costing millions and millions of dollars! Does anyone really think this show has “rules” like that? And if they do and Brad actually broke a major one, do you really think the show would let us SEE that?

A close second for this is Brad telling Chris Harrison that he doesn’t need the final cocktail party to make his decision. This doesn’t really count as a “rogue” move, though, since it’s been done by others before.

Most Bummed Out to Hear Her Date Card Being Read:

Poor Shawntel the undertaker. She scores a surprise one-on-one date with Brad, but her Date Card says, “Let’s find love on the streets of Anguilla.” Doesn’t that make it sound like she and Brad are going scouting for whores? Isn’t that exactly what Rush Limbaugh said he was doing when he got caught at the airport with all of that Viagra on his way to the Caribbean? What kind of love does Brad think he will find exactly on the streets of Anguilla? I’ve never been there, but I’m guessing for the right price Brad and Shawntel will be able to find any kind of love they’d like, right?

Sadly for our interest level, the love Brad means is romantic love. So that means the same montage we get every season when the show heads somewhere with a third world element present – lots of pictures of the young lovers mixing it up and having fun with the locals. On this episode Brad and Shawntel jump rope, ride bikes, play dominoes with locals who barely tolerate them, get a thumbs up from Bob Marley’s second cousin twice removed, sip coconut milk straight out of the coconut just like the locals do, and get told by a woman who you know they casted for in Hollywood to play the part of mysterious soothsayer/matchmaker that they are in love and make a great couple. It’s all so…so…so…REAL, isn’t it?

Most Inappropriately Dressed:

This also goes to Shawntel, who apparently was not told she’d be straddling a bike and jumping rope on her date. She shows up in a very tight sarong-thing that makes spreading her legs a bit of a challenge to say the least. On second thought, maybe that was a good thing in the long run?

Worst Eye Contact:

Did anyone else notice how Shawntel almost never looks Brad directly in the eyes? She’s always looking down or away or has her eyes closed. What’s that about? Hiding much, Shawntel? Brad is telling you about his parents’ divorce and his dad never being there and all you can do is look off to the side. What’s so distracting over there? Is Michelle making faces? Is Chris Harrison skinny-dipping? Do tell…

Worst Editing Job of the Night:

After Brad and Shawntel eat dinner, the rain starts to pour down hard. They even comment on it and we see shots of it streaming out of the sky. But then there is a cut to them making out and there is no rain falling anymore. Then another cut…no rain. Then a different angle, and it’s pouring again. They just don’t even try with this stuff anymore, do they?

Worst Surprise of the Season:

So Brad has just taken Shawntel on what she calls her “perfect date” for the day and then they have topped the day off with a romantic dinner and making out in the (edited) rain. Brad then announces he has yet ANOTHER surprise in store, and Shawntel is most likely envisioning another shopping trip in Vegas or at the very least a peek at Brad’s naughty bits.

But no…Shawntel’s hopes are dashed when their date is suddenly invaded by a bunch of partiers all waiting to hear some locally famous reggae guy play a concert right next to them. All of a sudden their one-one-one time has become one-on-a-hundred-and-a-grizzled-looking-reggae-singer time. Total buzz kill. We can even watch as Shawntel has to muscle her way through the crowd so she can catch a glimpse of the singer. Poor thing. She’s gonna end the night with hickeys AND bruises…

Falsest Advertising:

Britt’s Date Card said, “Let’s sail on the sea of love,” but I cry foul on that. Doesn’t that line sound romantic? Doesn’t it conjure images of romantic sunsets and moonlit nights gracefully bobbing in the open sea? Well, for Britt, apparently, it means you have to swim out to your own boat. It also means that everyone calls that boat a yacht, when it most obviously is just a big boat. When one thinks of yachts, one imagines gigantic vessels with graceful appointments and luxurious décor. This tub was just a big, white boat. We didn’t even get to see the inside of it since the producers knew that it would suck and we’d figure them out. This is not Donald Trump’s yacht or the Sultan of Oman’s yacht. This is Bob Marley’s second cousin twice removed’s fishing boat, and we all know it.

To top it off, this cruise on the “sea of love” Is marked by high winds that blow Britt’s hair everywhere and even cause the tablecloth to blow on top of the candles. Apparently some pretty strong rain showers moved through at some point. Did anyone else notice all the drops falling off of all of the metal railings? And these storms start the boat pitching and rocking so hard that even I was getting seasick watching the background rise and fall above them as they ate. Nothing about this date was romantic or even remotely connected to setting sail on the sea of love.

And, of course, Britt (who thinks she can’t be dumped on this date) gets dumped on this date and doesn’t get to make a walk of shame out to a limo. No, poor Britt gets to be ferried back to the mainland (didn’t you want to see them make her walk the plank and swim for it herself?  I wonder if Kasey is still stranded out on that glacier?), and then have to let herself back in to the girls’ villa to pack her stuff and explain to everyone else why she’s crying and upset. Didn’t you just love how the producers told the girls to over-emote as Britt walked through the door to pack? Never in the history of the show have we seen any girls more excited to see someone come back from a date, but the show made sure we saw it last night to heighten the tension when Britt finally has to admit that she just got dumped. Awesome move, producers!

Most Blatant Product Tie-In of the Show:

This would of course be the “fashion shoot” that Dentist Ashley, Crazy Michelle, and Chantal O’s boobs have for Sports Illustrated. I wonder why they chose a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot for these girls? It couldn’t be because the actual swimsuit issue came out today, could it? What an amazing coincidence of timing!

I haven’t seen the magazine yet, but I’m gonna guess Chantal O. gets to be the one inside since Dentist Ashley runs around screaming how she has no boobs and Michelle just basically turns the whole shoot into a porn production with her steamy make out session with Brad. Although, did you hear the photographer ooh and aah over how Dentist Ashley could do an “Oh what a feeling!” jump in the air and kick her feet out? It was like he’d never seen anyone jump before. “Great! Keep going! One more time!” So maybe Ashley DOES make it into the magazine?

Sippiest Chick:

I mentioned before that Dentist Ashley should not be sippin’ on the all of the booze that the producers foist on these people. A few episodes ago she embarrassed herself and got all half-lidded and pinkie-sticking-out and slurred words at a pool party. On this episode she did the same and it wasn’t pretty. This girl needs to stick with the Crystal Geyser.

Most Contrived Scene:

This one is the toughest to decide, but I’m going to give it to Brad deciding to give the rose on the Group Date to Dentist Ashley. After we have heard him say to Crazy Michelle that he thinks all of their conversations are deep and how easy it is to talk with her, and after he makes out with Chantal O. and walks on the sea floor near Catalina with her and lends her his shirt, he ends up giving THIS rose to Dentist Ashley. This predictably sets off Chantal O. who immediately crumples into a pit of despair and depression as the sad strings well up behind her and she wipes her face a lot. It couldn’t have been choreographed better – give the rose to the woman you have the least connection with and watch the waterworks (or eye daggers in Crazy Michelle’s case) turn on full blast from the others.

Freakiest Reoccurring Theme:

OK…I haven’t been commenting this season on the blue lights that show up everywhere somehow backlighting every scene. But last night’s sighting of them was just too good to pass up. As the girls arrive for the cocktail party, we see the name of the hotel is “Le Bleu”, which means “The Blue” en francais. And as they walk through the grounds to get to Brad, what is everywhere along the way lighting up the fountains and pools and shining up walls? Yup…you guessed it…the blue light. It’s a whole freakin’ HOTEL of blue lights! Right there in Anguilla! Who knew?

Most “Are You Even Listening to Him?” Line:

As Brad explains to Chris Harrison that he doesn’t need the final cocktail party to make his decision tonight, he says, “I’m very clear in my decision,” to which Chris of course responds, “It seems like you’re clear.” News flash, Chris. You get a lot of crap on this show for coming off as shallow, unintelligent, and too hook-nosed. I’ll let you guess which of the three categories this line falls under.

Hugest Disappointment of the Season:

So in the end Brad gives roses to Emily (we knew this already since he went rogue and told her he would do it), Chantal’s boobs, and Shawntel (since he’s always heard about what a kickass party town Chico is and he’s totally stoked for beer bong hits and toga parties). That means Crazy Michelle is finally toast.

We wring our hands expectantly and shift a little closer to the TV in preparation for the fireworks explosion of venom and vitriol that we know will begin coursing out of Michelle’s mouth as it dawns on her that fake eyebrows and porn sessions in the sand aren’t enough to win Brad’s heart.

Alas, we get none of that. What we see are several shots of Michelle looking surprised and arching her eyebrows, then Brad walking her to the car while she tells him “probably not” when he asks if he can hold her hand, then her telling him she doesn’t want to talk, then a weird montage of her pushing herself down sideways into the back seat of the car and twitching in a weird way. And that’s it.

Wait…that’s IT?! They have set this chick up to be the be-all and end-all of crazy chicks on this show. We’ve gotten every catty one-liner from her and every stalker-y pose and thought from her. She gets dumped on national TV and we only get to see her rubbing her face on the naugahyde of a lame Anguilla LIMO?! Where are the quippy retorts back to Brad? Where are the throw-down lines to the remaining ladies about what she really thinks of them? Where is her emotional meltdown in the back of the car? Where’s the CRAZY?

This is, frankly, one of the biggest letdowns in recent Bachelor history. All of that set-up for nuttin’. Michelle comes in like a lion and goes out like an old porn star. Good riddance, Michelle. Hope your eyebrows grow back some day and that you finally make it out of that beauty shop in Salt Lake City where you worked once so the producers put that down under your name every time you appeared on screen since you really live in LA and work as a model now. We’ll miss you!

Epilogue:

We can already tell who’s gonna get dumped next week during the previews. We see Brad having fun and smiling with Chantal O’s boobs and with Emily and her daughter, but the music turns all creepy as he visits Undertaker Shawntel’s work and lies down on the embalming table and tours the beautiful furnace where they turn humans into ashes. Remember the hometown date Ali went on where one guy’s dad did taxidermy and the psycho music played the whole time? That guy was toast within the hour.

The credits are supposed to be funny when two of the girls sneak up on a snoozing Dentist Ashley as she dozes outside, but it all just really makes me feel jealous that I want some place in the middle of February where it’s warm enough to sleep outside under the stars in my swimsuit. It IS kinda funny to see Ashley call the other girls “You f***ers!” as they run away, but otherwise, I wish that were me snoozin’ in paradise.

OK, Bachelor fans. That’s a wrap for this week. Hope this blog is better than last week’s. I promise to try harder, although it’s going to be tough since we’re down to all of the boring girls now. Everyone with personality (except you Britt…you were just plain boring the whole time you were there) is gone now. Catch you next week for the hometown dates, and please don’t forget to “Like” us over on Facebook at After the Rose!

Indiana Jones, Spelunking, and Taye Diggs

Well, it was finally fun to watch The Bachelor again this week! I don’t know why moving the whole thing to Costa Rica made it better this week, but it did, didn’t it? I rarely found my interest wandering. Of course I think it helped not having a five-year-old screaming bloody murder in the other room this week too. Anyway…onward we go…

Most Overused Shot of the Night:

This had to be the shot of the ethereal, moody mist and steam swirling around the volcano as we went in and out of commercial breaks. They showed that shot at least four times. Each time they had to speed it up a bunch to make it look as though the volcano were going to explode at any moment in a torrent of poisonous gas and smoke. If you’ve been to Costa Rica before, you know there are two main volcanoes there. One of them lets off little puffs of steam every hour or so and the other is almost perpetually covered in mist and fog and you can almost never see the top. This was fake Costa Rican volcano at best.

Line of the Night That Invites the Most Smart-Ass Responses:

Brad: “I want to find love here! What better place than Costa Rica?”

Us: “Um…Paris? New York City? San Francisco? Rome? Any place where you don’t have sweat stains on your shirt in almost every shot and where the bugs don’t grow to be football-sized?”

“Why Exactly is This Back Again?” Award:

In true Indiana Jones fashion, the producers made sure we had a caricatured map to show us the flight pattern our young lovelies take to get from Vegas to Costa Rica. What would we do without this helpful visual to show us that Costa Rica is indeed south of Vegas?

“I Can be Just Like Former Bachelors!” Award:

TIE

Both of these, of course, go to Brad who seemed to be doing everything he could last night to imitate the moves of former bachelors.

1. First off, we got several shots of Brad pulling a “Messner” and leaning pensively against railings and staring out into nothingness as his voiceover wander off into thoughts like, “This is getting real,” and, “I’m ready for love.”

2. At several points in the show, Brad also pulls a “Roberto” and sweats through weird parts of his shirt. There are creepy, uneven sweat patches on his chest and stomach and one up on his shoulder at one point. Doesn’t this guy sweat from his pits like everyone else? Who knew Brad was a sweater? The poor guy is downright drenched in several scenes.

Irony of the Evening:

This goes to Michelle, who for the entire episode keeps spouting lines about other girls and why they aren’t right for Brad, but doesn’t realize that what she’s saying actually applies to herself.

Case in point…as she’s chatting with Emily about Chantal, Michelle says: “(Chantal is) really aggressive and really confident, almost like egotistical.” At another point after they have rappelled down the rock wall on the Group Date Michelle says, “Jackie, bless her heart, is dramatic…It was quite the production.”

Um, Miss Kettle? This is the pot. You’re black.

Best Thrill-Seeker Date of the Night:

Chantal O. definitely wins this one in a landslide. While she gets to whoop it up with Brad zip-lining through the rain forests, the Group Date this week is rappelling down a lame rock wall that the cameras catch at weird angles to make it look more dangerous than it really is. Not even Jackie’s screams or Michelle’s antics at the top could make up for the fact that the Group Date was just lame. Chantal and her breasts got to squeeze up against Brad, sail through the air, and then make an unplanned pit stop in his boudoir after a downpour ruined their picnic. Score one for the rabble-rouser!

“I’m Here Too!” Moment of the Night:

It’s made evident to us that both Alli and Britt have not had one-on-one dates with Brad thus far. As they anxiously await the next Date Card, we get lots of interviews with Alli telling us how she’s really wishing for that alone time. We have nothing from Britt. Not a word. Next Alli goes on and on about how happy it will make her to be alone with Brad. Still not a peep from Britt. Then there’s a knock on the door, the Date Card arrives, it’s for Alli, and still nothing from Britt. At this point in the show, I am sure Britt is going home. Why no reaction from her at all? Is she even there? She’s become the newest member of the invisible cast of this show. That’s what she gets for playing slutty on the bed during the Red Cross PSA shoot.

Best “Screw All Y’all!” Move of the Night:

This has to go to Chantal, who comes home from her date with Brad wearing his shirt. GASP! The girls are all atwitter as they realize the ramifications of this. She could have put on a hotel robe or had the producers bring her some clothes from the suitcase they made her pack, but no. She goes balls out and walks right in wearing his shirt. I loved Michelle’s reaction too: “Brad is NOT Chantal’s man! He is mine!” Who’s wearing his shirt, sweetie?

Funniest Mispronunciation of the Night:

This one is déjà vu all over again as Brad keeps pronouncing the work “rappel” as “repel” during the Group Date. Brad’s trying to lay on his best “I’m a seasoned rock climber” shtick with his “Grab a harness and a helmet” line, but he shows his true colors when he keeps telling everyone that they should act like the opposite ends of magnets to this sad rock wall that makes Jackie scream.

Later in this scene, Michelle gets all mad at Brad because they had made a pact that they were supposed to only “repel together”. Trust me, Michelle, you are doing just fine repelling all by yourself.

Line of the Night:

This, ironically, goes to the woman who we have heard from the least so far this season…Miss Britt. As Jackie kicks and screams her way down the least scary rock wall of all time, Britt tells us, “Jackie may have just soiled herself!” Since we know this chick ain’t winning anything on this show, she may be heartened to know that she could have a career in insult comedy. Paging Triumph?

Survivor Rip-Off of the Night:

Could it have been any more textbook Survivor to have all of those shots of the creepy-crawly critters of the Costa Rican jungle? Slimy, green lizard-y things. Millipede-looking things. Evil, green praying mantises. This episode had them all just so we could make sure that these folks aren’t really staying in a luxury resort that ABC has bought out completely to keep this all private. No, these folks are in the rainforest where things are DANGEROUS and WATCH YOU from the back of palm fronds and moist leaves.

Weirdest Bleep of the Night:

I didn’t catch which girl it was, but at the hot springs during the Group Date, one of them says, “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and BLEEP. I don’t know what else to say!” Is anyone else dying to know what word got bleeped? What could have been so sordid, so dirty for our ears?

Funniest Scene of the Night:

This goes to Brad and Alli, even though they weren’t technically together in this particular scene. During the Group Date, we cut back to the room where Alli and Chantal are hanging out. The producers make sure we get a shot of the gigantic beetle that they have on purpose placed on the table so the girls will see it as they walk near. Alli sees it and completely flips out and says she’s scared to death of bugs. Chantal, ever the sh** stirrer, catches the bug and then pretends to flick it onto Alli, who promptly screams bloody murder and flings her drink all over Chantal and the floor. We get the added fake sound effect of shattering glass even though no glass breaks on the floor.

Cut to Brad out at the natural hot springs, trying to woo the ladies. As he’s putting the moves on Michelle, we clearly can hear Alli’s scream back at the room after Chantal has pretended to throw the bug on her. Brad and Michelle both stop for a beat, shrug their shoulders, and go right back to their vapid conversation. Classic, and I laughed through every second.

Most Bummed to Discover Her Date Card Was Really a Double-Entendre:

Poor Alli. Her Date Card told her to meet Brad at the altar. She of course erroneously thought it had something to do with getting married. Little did she know that she had scored the dreaded creepy date of the season. Instead of walking down the aisle with her, Brad takes her to a 40 million-year-old cave full of bats and giant spiders and creepy Hitchcock music. Wait! You mean the girl who we just saw freak out about a giant bug has to go spelunking with Brad through Creepy Crawly Cave? Yup. That’s the facts for poor Alli. She somehow manages to muddle through and even fakes a kinda smile as they sit on the Altar – a natural rock formation in the cave that’s shaped in the form of a staircase (I don’t get what a staircase has to do with an altar, but I’ll just leave all of that to the Costa Ricans).

Did anyone else notice that the creepy blue light was illuminating the waterfall in this cave? Those producers can work wonders, huh?

“Sucks to be You!” Award:

Our winner this week is Alli. Even though we think she’s been sweet and personable throughout the season, we all of a sudden see that she’s the girl who’s been cast and edited to have zero personality. We hear stilted conversation at dinner, see awkward eyes looking everywhere except at each other, and feel Brad pretending like he wants to get to know her better when what he really wants is to see what Alli will do if he flicks a giant beetle on her.

Alli makes dumping her all the more awkward by telling Brad that her exes all were nice guys, and all had a lot to offer, but she just didn’t want any of it for herself. Cut to sad music since Brad is thinking the same thing about Alli. He tells her she’s attractive (kiss of death) and tells her he can see them hanging out every day, but not falling in love (and she’s OUTTA there!) Some creepy guy comes to the room to take her suitcase, the girls all ooh and ahh, and she gets an interview in the back of a very bouncy car.

“Have You Never SEEN This Show Before?” Award:

This goes to all of the girls once they find out that Michelle went on her own to hang out with Brad. This has been done so much that it’s already a Bachelor cliché. Who can forget Justin “Rated R” on Ali’s season who was chauffeured to Alli’s place by the producers and told to talk to her walked the back roads of Malibu for hours, wandering helplessly trying to find Ali’s place while on crutches? All the guys freaked out then. How did not one of these girls not see that episode? Why are they all so hurt and shocked now? Mostly because they didn’t think of it first and/or have the guts to do it themselves, methinks.

Most Deluded:

Michelle, as she counts on Brad’s fingers the order each girl should be sent home. Later, when she knows the whole group has figured out that she went and visited Brad on her own, she walks into the room with a fake, chirpy, “Hi friends!” when she knows everyone is going to hate her. Nuff said…

First “I Love You” of the Season:

Chantal O. professes her love for Brad and with her huge, dangly earrings of death makes sure that he knows that she really is falling for him. She pushes her boobs together and actually says the words, “I love you” to him. Back home her parents are so proud that their daughter’s breasts have emotions and feelings.

Most Bummed Cast Member:

Mr. Lame-o British Shrink got no airtime this week. What happened? Is Brad cured? Did the producers not want to fork over for the long distance from Costa Rica to his backyard where he sits staring aimlessly into space? Enquiring minds want to know.

So in a surprise move, Brad dumps Jackie even though the producers had set up Britt to be the one to take the Limo Ride of Shame. We liked Jackie because she reminded us of Lea Michelle of Glee fame and Idina Menzell of Taye Diggs fame (yum). But we knew she had no shot, and so we bid her a fond farewell.

In the previews for next week we see they are going to Anguila, which I guarantee not one cast member could have placed on a map before they went there. Of course that doesn’t stop them all from shouting out, “Anguila, BABY!” at every chance they get like drunken sorority girls out for a good time during Spring Break.

The closing credits are pretty funny. Chantal O. has just come back from her date with Brad and the girls’ interactions are interspersed with some funny shots of a praying mantis-type thing busily staring at them. You know this shot was taken at the LA Zoo and edited in later, but the effect is good nonetheless. Of course, the producers throw the poor bug into the group as close to Alli as they can to make it look like it just hopped in there by itself, and of course Alli freaks out, screams, and clocks Britt in the side. Crazy Dentist Ashley next thinks that the bug has gone down her shirt, but everyone pulls a knowing face as she determines that it’s just her microphone making it’s way down her cleavage and not a creepy crawly. All is again right with the world. Phew.

You know the drill. Like us on Facebook at After the Rose! Catch you next week. “Woo-freakin’-HOO! Anguila, BABY!”

Please Stand By!

Sorry folks. Scheduling conflicts made it so I won't be able to post tonight. I do have LOTS to say about last night's episode, though, so check back in tomorrow afternoon!

Zzzzzzzz......

So is this season slowly draining itself down the old crapper, or what? Usually while I watch this show I have to pause several times so my typing fingers can keep up with all of the fun one-liners and action happening on the screen, but that was most definitely not happening last night. These ladies are boring me to tears, and no amount of Michelle is changing that. And if she’s the most interesting part of this season, what will happen when Brad eventually dumps her? I honestly have hit the point of “I just don’t care anymore”, but I know I have you loyal readers to consider, and so I soldier on. At least when things are boring I can just stare at Brad’s amazing arms, right?

This episode was especially tough to write about since my five-year-old was having meltdown after meltdown over nightmares while I was trying to watch. This is most definitely a show I do NOT want her watching, so every time she traipsed into the TV room dragging her little blankie behind her, I had to hit the pause button until she was safely back in bed. The things parents do for their kids…

Onward with the awards…

Recycled Idea of the Night:

Two words: Vegas, baby! Every season the guys and girls on this show seem to end up in Vegas. Last season Dave and two girls got their own private pool party (remember Natalie doing ballet on the chaise lounges while the other girl was trying to get one-on-one time with Dave? Classic! Why are there no moments like that THIS time?) And remember that Jason famously dumped Natalie in Vegas after she showed him how shallow and self-absorbed she really was? Vegas is getting tired on this show.

This season finds the girls at the Aria Hotel. We know this because not only do we have shots of the façade with its name every time we fade in and out from commercials, but we also get actual commercials for the Aria in between segments. The suite the girls get to crash in is totally swanked out. But I’m getting bored with Vegas. It’s too easy.

Largest Piece of Jewelry:

I will sing you the “Told you so!” song again. The amount of over-sized jewelry and accessories this season is mind-blowing. I think Michelle wins the award for most over-the-top stuff. Whether it’s that giant ring covering four of her fingers, or all that metallic crap she had strewn around her neck at the final cocktail party, she wears it BIG and she wears A LOT of it.

“We Know You’re Out Tonight” Award:

This of course goes to Marisa and Lisa. Both girls have said a total of about three words between them on screen this entire season, and all of a sudden in this episode we get several interviews with both. This is always the kiss of death on this show. Fade into the background, no airtime, then suddenly front and center? You’re a goner for sure. I could have told them both this at the start of the episode and saved Marisa from wearing that stupid tiara thing in her hair during the last cocktail party, right?

Separated at Birth Award:

Was I the only one last night who REALLY thought that “I touch dead people” Shawntel could be a “dead” ringer for Ali from last season if she dyed her hair? It started getting eerie! Same facial expressions, same smile. Shawntel can rock the party dresses WAY better than ol’ Ali, though, but these two could definitely be related.

Fakest “We’re So Happy for You!” Group Support:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to the girls after they see Shawntel walk back into the hotel suite holding gigantoid bags from every major European designer imaginable. They all tell her how lucky she is as they secretly stare daggers at her and at each other over how much loot she scored. I can just picture Dentist Ashley’s t-shirt made especially for her when she arrives home from this while experience: “I went on The Bachelor and all I got was a ride on a lousy Ferris wheel!” The disparity in money spent on these dates is pretty funny and I love how it makes it look like Brad is favoring some girls over others. It’s fun to watch the girls fake tell Shawntel that she looks pretty in her new, expensive dress and pretend to fawn over all of the big bags when what they really want to do is heave it all out of the window.

2. The second award goes to all of the girls as they watch all of the times Brad pulls Emily aside during this episode. This girl got so much one-on-one time with Brad that she may as well ask for the ring now, right? Even though she was technically on the group date, it was great fun to watch all the girls pretend to feel happy/sorry for her in front of her face, but then rail behind her back about how they felt like they were on a date that was just supposed to be for her and Brad.

Most Disappointed Bachelorette of the Evening:

This goes to Shawntel, who had to be crushed that when her Date Card said, “Let’s end tonight with a bang!” it meant she was watching fireworks from the roof and not getting to be the first girl to check out Brad’s junk close up.

Worst Dinner Conversation Topic Ever Award:

Shawntel, Shawntel, Shawntel…word to the wise. We get what you do for a living. And we get Brad asked you about it. But dear lord, please please PLEASE do not use the words like “leakage”, “orifices”. “vein drain”, or “replace blood” while you are sitting on the roof of a mall with a handsome stud. You might as well have thrown in the words “moist” or “coagulate” just to really make sure Brad heaved up his whole dinner. I was gagging listening to her and I wasn’t even eating. Poor Brad. It must not have scarred him too badly, though, since he ended up giving Shawntel the rose AND telling her that she’s “…the hottest funeral director I’ve ever met!” like there has been more than one.

Most Clued-Out About World Events Award:

Apparently this show was all filmed way before the unrest in Egypt. How else to explain the constant shots of the pyramid and Sphinx in front of the Luxor? Very odd to see this and then see cut-ins for the news about what was going on in the Middle East. They couldn’t have substituted some footage from Circus Circus instead? Was it THAT hard to do? This all seemed in bad taste…

“LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUMMMBBBBBLLLLLLLE!” Award:

Once all of the names of girls going on the group date are read, it becomes immediately apparent that it’s going to be “Singing with Seal” Ashley versus “Crazy Dentist” Ashley on the dreaded two-on-one date. Of course, the drama is heightened as we find out that they are actually best friends on the show, so they are overtly rooting for the other one, but secretly hoping the other one OD’s in the bathtub too. In the least shocking moment of the night, Michelle tells us that she doesn’t care which one goes home. Alert the media.

So now it’s on. Ashley versus Ashley in a Bachelor smackdown to beat all smackdowns. At this point in the evening, I’m hoping that one of them will at least pull out the extensions of the other on top of the table while Brad’s trying to cut his filet mignon. ANYTHING to break up these dreary doldrums…

“Meanest Date of the Show” Award:

Poor Emily. Not only did she lose her racecar-driving fiancé in a plane crash AND end up pregnant with his daughter AND have to tell the story over and over again on this show so she can be set up to be the next bachelorette, but she also gets selected to go on the group date to a RACETRACK. And of course this isn’t just any ol’ racetrack. It’s the exact same racetrack where her fiancé crashed and ended his racing career. AND of course she’s never been behind the wheel of a racecar because her fiancé always drove her and made her feel safe and secure.

But don’t worry about her, y’all. She’s fine and dandy. She can put on a brave face and buck up under the worst of circumstances. That’s what Southern girls do, y’all.

C’mon, producers. What were you thinking here? First you make her fly in a little jet on her first date with Brad, and now you make her haul out to the same racetrack where her fiancé CRASHED?! I love laughing at the drama on this show, but this was all too over-the-top even for me. Mean mean mean (but watchable watchable watchable…)

Most Shocking Word Uttered on the Show:

This goes to Brad when he tells us one of the girls has “tenacity”. Woah, Big Guy. Back down from those high-falutin’ SAT words. You’re a hot guy from Texas. You have an image to uphold now. You can’t go ‘round throwin’ out those polysyllabic words without it coming back to hit you in the nugs one of these days. You’ve been warned.

Best Sign You’re in the Running to Be At Least Top Three on This Show:

We discovered last night that Brad already is calling Emily “Em”. This is a great sign that she’s here to stay for a long while. Why give someone a nickname if you’re not feeling close to her? Maybe it was worth it after all to endure the bad memories, huh?

Best Play of the “Use Tears to Get What You Want” Gambit:

This goes to “I’d like to buy an ‘E”” Alli, who during her alone time with Brad on the Group Date breaks down and tells him, “It’s hard to feel special” with so many girls vying for the prize. This makes her stand out and so during the final cocktail party Brad of course has to make a point of making her feel special by bringing up some champagne and a mini chocolate cake, complete with green frosting to match the dress she wore the night they first met. Gag…

Yeah, like Brad really remembers the color of her dress that night when he’s still got the image of Kickin’ Keltie’s panties emblazoned on his irises. You just know some poor intern on the show had to parse through hours and hours of footage before he found the color of dress and then had to go to the bakery to make sure they matched the frosting with the right shade of green. Brad had nothing to do with any of this, right?

Dueling Mini Dresses Award:

This goes to the Ashleys as they walk out of their suite and through the lobby of the hotel to meet Brad for their date. They looked like a TV ad for Ross. Both of them had on what was essentially the exact same dress, just cut and styled a bit differently. I say “Singing with Seal” Ashley rocked it harder, though. Hers just seemed to fit better and fiercer. What do YOU think?

“I Know I’ve Lost Already Before the Date Has Even Really Begun” Award:

This goes to “Singing with Seal” Ashley, who, when she sees that their date will be a competition to see who can spin around up high and be all bendy in the air the best, tells Brad, “My body doesn’t move like that!” and then becomes the saddest sack ever as she realizes that there’s no way she’s sticking around tonight. Did she smile once after she saw the rehearsal? I think not since she knew the writing was on the wall. She even goes off about how on this date she’s not really competing against Crazy Dentist Ashley. She’s competing “against my own demons” whatever those are. Girl, you need to have self-confidence going in, or it’s gonna sting on your way out. Your Cirque is about to get Soleil’ed…

Harshest Dump Line:

This goes to Brad as he tells Ashley that she will make a great wife, but just not for him. Ouch. That pretty much says it like it is, huh Ash?

Best “Pouring Salt into Your Wounds to Make Sure They Hurt Even More” Award:

As if it weren’t bad enough that “Singing with Seal” Ashley gets dumped because she isn’t whirly-twirly enough in Cirque du Soleil, how harsh do you think it was for her to watch the other scenes last night involving her? As she’s breaking down in the back of the limo weeping about how she’ll never find true love, we see shots of Crazy Dentist Ashley and Brad twirling to Elvis music. And the clincher? They of course are twirling to Are You Lonesome Tonight? which “Singing with Seal” Ashley obviously will be. Loved the juxtaposition there. Also loved the shot of the burly guy (why do these guys always have to be burly?) taking away her luggage while the girls all gasp.

It must have really sucked to be “Singing with Seal” Ashley watching that all play out last night at home after the fact. Good luck, “Singing with Seal”. Hopefully Mr. Right is out there somewhere.

Person About Which I Care the Least This Season:

Yuck. Brad’s shrink just rubs me the wrong way. How much do you think he’s getting paid for all of his lame advice? All the while Brad spews his stupid psychological mumbo-jumbo, the psychiatrist is staring off into space out in his backyard somewhere daydreaming about all the cash getting transferred into his bank account since he agreed to do this whole train wreck in the first place. (Side note: Did anyone else keep count and then start laughing out loud at how many times Brad answered, “Yes,” or, “I completely understand,” to this guy? I mean, I’m glad Brad’s off the tenacity train finally, but his answers sunk to a new low of vapidness, even for this show!)

“It’s Time to Get This Girl Home NOW!” Award:

What was up with Michelle at the cocktail party? She basically kidnaps Brad away and then forces him to sit in a chair and listen to her rant about (what else?) how she’s more mature and the other ladies are girls, all the while maintaining super creepy too-close eye contact with him. She doesn’t even allow Brad to speak while she tells him she’s different from the other girls and that she thinks he should go back out there and “…send some girls home now” in her best bossy lady voice. How does he not see what we see? My guess is he does, but that she’s the only quasi-interesting personality left on this season, so the producers are forcing him to keep her until they REALLY get desperate. We haven’t even met her kid yet. Brad won’t dump her until after that date, right?

“Sucks to Be You!” Award:

This goes to both “Stupid Tiara in My Hair That’s Really Just Holding My Hair Back” Marisa and Lisa (who?). While “Singing with Seal” Ashley got dumped and got to sob her troubles  away in a swanky limo, these two girls only get taxi cabs. And Marisa…get ready for it…actually has to get shuttled away in a JEEP taxi! Obviously this show plays favorites, and obviously neither of these two was the favorite this season. Sucks to be you, girls. Do you think they had to pay their own fares?

Most Overly Melodramatic Line of the Evening:

Lisa (who?) after she’s been dumped tells us, “This just makes me question EVERYthing!” Really, Lisa (who?)? Everything? So you’re saying that your entire life, your entire identity was created around falling in love and getting married to this guy? Maybe that’s a really good sign that it’s time to re-evaluate your life. I’ve heard about this great shrink in LA. He shows too much chest hair and stares weirdly into space as you spew mumbo-jumbo, but I hear he comes highly recommended by hot guys from Texas.

“Ah…That Explains A LOT!” Award:

This goes to “Singing with Seal” Ashley who in the credits at the end of the show is shown trying to stuff a gigantic teddy bear into her luggage as she tries to pack for Vegas. She actually talks to him. You have to go back and watch it if you didn’t stick around long enough to see it. C’mon, “Singing with Seal”…you have one hour to pack and THAT’S what you choose to try to fit into your luggage? Next time you might also want to leave room for self-esteem, strategy, and maturity. And didn’t you love Alli’s response when the Ashleys asked her if they should bring the bear? Her look said it all. “Are these chicks f***ing KIDDING me here?”

Hype That We Are Already Sick of Award:

How many times could Chris Harrison tell us that this is “the most controversial season of The Bachelor EVER!” during the previews for coming weeks? Um, Chris? I’m pretty sure the most controversial part of this season was that Brad was getting a second chance, and I’m pretty sure we all know he was coming back like, um, around Thanksgiving, if not earlier. So you can cut out all this “Most controversial EVER!” crap cuz we’re not buying it for one second. This could go down as the single most boring season ever, and there’s no amount of huffing and puffing  and smoke and mirrors that you’re going to be able to use to make us think otherwise.

Is it horrible that I hope someone’s zip line breaks in Costa Rica and they fall to their deaths? Or that Brad dumps Michelle because he hates her little kid or SOMETHING ANYTHING to give this season some pizzazz? Is it too much to ask to actually be entertained through all of this train wreck TV?

And so with that, I say goodbye for this week. Come on over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose. You can let us know what you thought about last night’s episode there or in the comments section here. Catch you next time!