Indiana Jones, Spelunking, and Taye Diggs

Well, it was finally fun to watch The Bachelor again this week! I don’t know why moving the whole thing to Costa Rica made it better this week, but it did, didn’t it? I rarely found my interest wandering. Of course I think it helped not having a five-year-old screaming bloody murder in the other room this week too. Anyway…onward we go…

Most Overused Shot of the Night:

This had to be the shot of the ethereal, moody mist and steam swirling around the volcano as we went in and out of commercial breaks. They showed that shot at least four times. Each time they had to speed it up a bunch to make it look as though the volcano were going to explode at any moment in a torrent of poisonous gas and smoke. If you’ve been to Costa Rica before, you know there are two main volcanoes there. One of them lets off little puffs of steam every hour or so and the other is almost perpetually covered in mist and fog and you can almost never see the top. This was fake Costa Rican volcano at best.

Line of the Night That Invites the Most Smart-Ass Responses:

Brad: “I want to find love here! What better place than Costa Rica?”

Us: “Um…Paris? New York City? San Francisco? Rome? Any place where you don’t have sweat stains on your shirt in almost every shot and where the bugs don’t grow to be football-sized?”

“Why Exactly is This Back Again?” Award:

In true Indiana Jones fashion, the producers made sure we had a caricatured map to show us the flight pattern our young lovelies take to get from Vegas to Costa Rica. What would we do without this helpful visual to show us that Costa Rica is indeed south of Vegas?

“I Can be Just Like Former Bachelors!” Award:

TIE

Both of these, of course, go to Brad who seemed to be doing everything he could last night to imitate the moves of former bachelors.

1. First off, we got several shots of Brad pulling a “Messner” and leaning pensively against railings and staring out into nothingness as his voiceover wander off into thoughts like, “This is getting real,” and, “I’m ready for love.”

2. At several points in the show, Brad also pulls a “Roberto” and sweats through weird parts of his shirt. There are creepy, uneven sweat patches on his chest and stomach and one up on his shoulder at one point. Doesn’t this guy sweat from his pits like everyone else? Who knew Brad was a sweater? The poor guy is downright drenched in several scenes.

Irony of the Evening:

This goes to Michelle, who for the entire episode keeps spouting lines about other girls and why they aren’t right for Brad, but doesn’t realize that what she’s saying actually applies to herself.

Case in point…as she’s chatting with Emily about Chantal, Michelle says: “(Chantal is) really aggressive and really confident, almost like egotistical.” At another point after they have rappelled down the rock wall on the Group Date Michelle says, “Jackie, bless her heart, is dramatic…It was quite the production.”

Um, Miss Kettle? This is the pot. You’re black.

Best Thrill-Seeker Date of the Night:

Chantal O. definitely wins this one in a landslide. While she gets to whoop it up with Brad zip-lining through the rain forests, the Group Date this week is rappelling down a lame rock wall that the cameras catch at weird angles to make it look more dangerous than it really is. Not even Jackie’s screams or Michelle’s antics at the top could make up for the fact that the Group Date was just lame. Chantal and her breasts got to squeeze up against Brad, sail through the air, and then make an unplanned pit stop in his boudoir after a downpour ruined their picnic. Score one for the rabble-rouser!

“I’m Here Too!” Moment of the Night:

It’s made evident to us that both Alli and Britt have not had one-on-one dates with Brad thus far. As they anxiously await the next Date Card, we get lots of interviews with Alli telling us how she’s really wishing for that alone time. We have nothing from Britt. Not a word. Next Alli goes on and on about how happy it will make her to be alone with Brad. Still not a peep from Britt. Then there’s a knock on the door, the Date Card arrives, it’s for Alli, and still nothing from Britt. At this point in the show, I am sure Britt is going home. Why no reaction from her at all? Is she even there? She’s become the newest member of the invisible cast of this show. That’s what she gets for playing slutty on the bed during the Red Cross PSA shoot.

Best “Screw All Y’all!” Move of the Night:

This has to go to Chantal, who comes home from her date with Brad wearing his shirt. GASP! The girls are all atwitter as they realize the ramifications of this. She could have put on a hotel robe or had the producers bring her some clothes from the suitcase they made her pack, but no. She goes balls out and walks right in wearing his shirt. I loved Michelle’s reaction too: “Brad is NOT Chantal’s man! He is mine!” Who’s wearing his shirt, sweetie?

Funniest Mispronunciation of the Night:

This one is déjà vu all over again as Brad keeps pronouncing the work “rappel” as “repel” during the Group Date. Brad’s trying to lay on his best “I’m a seasoned rock climber” shtick with his “Grab a harness and a helmet” line, but he shows his true colors when he keeps telling everyone that they should act like the opposite ends of magnets to this sad rock wall that makes Jackie scream.

Later in this scene, Michelle gets all mad at Brad because they had made a pact that they were supposed to only “repel together”. Trust me, Michelle, you are doing just fine repelling all by yourself.

Line of the Night:

This, ironically, goes to the woman who we have heard from the least so far this season…Miss Britt. As Jackie kicks and screams her way down the least scary rock wall of all time, Britt tells us, “Jackie may have just soiled herself!” Since we know this chick ain’t winning anything on this show, she may be heartened to know that she could have a career in insult comedy. Paging Triumph?

Survivor Rip-Off of the Night:

Could it have been any more textbook Survivor to have all of those shots of the creepy-crawly critters of the Costa Rican jungle? Slimy, green lizard-y things. Millipede-looking things. Evil, green praying mantises. This episode had them all just so we could make sure that these folks aren’t really staying in a luxury resort that ABC has bought out completely to keep this all private. No, these folks are in the rainforest where things are DANGEROUS and WATCH YOU from the back of palm fronds and moist leaves.

Weirdest Bleep of the Night:

I didn’t catch which girl it was, but at the hot springs during the Group Date, one of them says, “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and BLEEP. I don’t know what else to say!” Is anyone else dying to know what word got bleeped? What could have been so sordid, so dirty for our ears?

Funniest Scene of the Night:

This goes to Brad and Alli, even though they weren’t technically together in this particular scene. During the Group Date, we cut back to the room where Alli and Chantal are hanging out. The producers make sure we get a shot of the gigantic beetle that they have on purpose placed on the table so the girls will see it as they walk near. Alli sees it and completely flips out and says she’s scared to death of bugs. Chantal, ever the sh** stirrer, catches the bug and then pretends to flick it onto Alli, who promptly screams bloody murder and flings her drink all over Chantal and the floor. We get the added fake sound effect of shattering glass even though no glass breaks on the floor.

Cut to Brad out at the natural hot springs, trying to woo the ladies. As he’s putting the moves on Michelle, we clearly can hear Alli’s scream back at the room after Chantal has pretended to throw the bug on her. Brad and Michelle both stop for a beat, shrug their shoulders, and go right back to their vapid conversation. Classic, and I laughed through every second.

Most Bummed to Discover Her Date Card Was Really a Double-Entendre:

Poor Alli. Her Date Card told her to meet Brad at the altar. She of course erroneously thought it had something to do with getting married. Little did she know that she had scored the dreaded creepy date of the season. Instead of walking down the aisle with her, Brad takes her to a 40 million-year-old cave full of bats and giant spiders and creepy Hitchcock music. Wait! You mean the girl who we just saw freak out about a giant bug has to go spelunking with Brad through Creepy Crawly Cave? Yup. That’s the facts for poor Alli. She somehow manages to muddle through and even fakes a kinda smile as they sit on the Altar – a natural rock formation in the cave that’s shaped in the form of a staircase (I don’t get what a staircase has to do with an altar, but I’ll just leave all of that to the Costa Ricans).

Did anyone else notice that the creepy blue light was illuminating the waterfall in this cave? Those producers can work wonders, huh?

“Sucks to be You!” Award:

Our winner this week is Alli. Even though we think she’s been sweet and personable throughout the season, we all of a sudden see that she’s the girl who’s been cast and edited to have zero personality. We hear stilted conversation at dinner, see awkward eyes looking everywhere except at each other, and feel Brad pretending like he wants to get to know her better when what he really wants is to see what Alli will do if he flicks a giant beetle on her.

Alli makes dumping her all the more awkward by telling Brad that her exes all were nice guys, and all had a lot to offer, but she just didn’t want any of it for herself. Cut to sad music since Brad is thinking the same thing about Alli. He tells her she’s attractive (kiss of death) and tells her he can see them hanging out every day, but not falling in love (and she’s OUTTA there!) Some creepy guy comes to the room to take her suitcase, the girls all ooh and ahh, and she gets an interview in the back of a very bouncy car.

“Have You Never SEEN This Show Before?” Award:

This goes to all of the girls once they find out that Michelle went on her own to hang out with Brad. This has been done so much that it’s already a Bachelor cliché. Who can forget Justin “Rated R” on Ali’s season who was chauffeured to Alli’s place by the producers and told to talk to her walked the back roads of Malibu for hours, wandering helplessly trying to find Ali’s place while on crutches? All the guys freaked out then. How did not one of these girls not see that episode? Why are they all so hurt and shocked now? Mostly because they didn’t think of it first and/or have the guts to do it themselves, methinks.

Most Deluded:

Michelle, as she counts on Brad’s fingers the order each girl should be sent home. Later, when she knows the whole group has figured out that she went and visited Brad on her own, she walks into the room with a fake, chirpy, “Hi friends!” when she knows everyone is going to hate her. Nuff said…

First “I Love You” of the Season:

Chantal O. professes her love for Brad and with her huge, dangly earrings of death makes sure that he knows that she really is falling for him. She pushes her boobs together and actually says the words, “I love you” to him. Back home her parents are so proud that their daughter’s breasts have emotions and feelings.

Most Bummed Cast Member:

Mr. Lame-o British Shrink got no airtime this week. What happened? Is Brad cured? Did the producers not want to fork over for the long distance from Costa Rica to his backyard where he sits staring aimlessly into space? Enquiring minds want to know.

So in a surprise move, Brad dumps Jackie even though the producers had set up Britt to be the one to take the Limo Ride of Shame. We liked Jackie because she reminded us of Lea Michelle of Glee fame and Idina Menzell of Taye Diggs fame (yum). But we knew she had no shot, and so we bid her a fond farewell.

In the previews for next week we see they are going to Anguila, which I guarantee not one cast member could have placed on a map before they went there. Of course that doesn’t stop them all from shouting out, “Anguila, BABY!” at every chance they get like drunken sorority girls out for a good time during Spring Break.

The closing credits are pretty funny. Chantal O. has just come back from her date with Brad and the girls’ interactions are interspersed with some funny shots of a praying mantis-type thing busily staring at them. You know this shot was taken at the LA Zoo and edited in later, but the effect is good nonetheless. Of course, the producers throw the poor bug into the group as close to Alli as they can to make it look like it just hopped in there by itself, and of course Alli freaks out, screams, and clocks Britt in the side. Crazy Dentist Ashley next thinks that the bug has gone down her shirt, but everyone pulls a knowing face as she determines that it’s just her microphone making it’s way down her cleavage and not a creepy crawly. All is again right with the world. Phew.

You know the drill. Like us on Facebook at After the Rose! Catch you next week. “Woo-freakin’-HOO! Anguila, BABY!”

Please Stand By!

Sorry folks. Scheduling conflicts made it so I won't be able to post tonight. I do have LOTS to say about last night's episode, though, so check back in tomorrow afternoon!

Zzzzzzzz......

So is this season slowly draining itself down the old crapper, or what? Usually while I watch this show I have to pause several times so my typing fingers can keep up with all of the fun one-liners and action happening on the screen, but that was most definitely not happening last night. These ladies are boring me to tears, and no amount of Michelle is changing that. And if she’s the most interesting part of this season, what will happen when Brad eventually dumps her? I honestly have hit the point of “I just don’t care anymore”, but I know I have you loyal readers to consider, and so I soldier on. At least when things are boring I can just stare at Brad’s amazing arms, right?

This episode was especially tough to write about since my five-year-old was having meltdown after meltdown over nightmares while I was trying to watch. This is most definitely a show I do NOT want her watching, so every time she traipsed into the TV room dragging her little blankie behind her, I had to hit the pause button until she was safely back in bed. The things parents do for their kids…

Onward with the awards…

Recycled Idea of the Night:

Two words: Vegas, baby! Every season the guys and girls on this show seem to end up in Vegas. Last season Dave and two girls got their own private pool party (remember Natalie doing ballet on the chaise lounges while the other girl was trying to get one-on-one time with Dave? Classic! Why are there no moments like that THIS time?) And remember that Jason famously dumped Natalie in Vegas after she showed him how shallow and self-absorbed she really was? Vegas is getting tired on this show.

This season finds the girls at the Aria Hotel. We know this because not only do we have shots of the façade with its name every time we fade in and out from commercials, but we also get actual commercials for the Aria in between segments. The suite the girls get to crash in is totally swanked out. But I’m getting bored with Vegas. It’s too easy.

Largest Piece of Jewelry:

I will sing you the “Told you so!” song again. The amount of over-sized jewelry and accessories this season is mind-blowing. I think Michelle wins the award for most over-the-top stuff. Whether it’s that giant ring covering four of her fingers, or all that metallic crap she had strewn around her neck at the final cocktail party, she wears it BIG and she wears A LOT of it.

“We Know You’re Out Tonight” Award:

This of course goes to Marisa and Lisa. Both girls have said a total of about three words between them on screen this entire season, and all of a sudden in this episode we get several interviews with both. This is always the kiss of death on this show. Fade into the background, no airtime, then suddenly front and center? You’re a goner for sure. I could have told them both this at the start of the episode and saved Marisa from wearing that stupid tiara thing in her hair during the last cocktail party, right?

Separated at Birth Award:

Was I the only one last night who REALLY thought that “I touch dead people” Shawntel could be a “dead” ringer for Ali from last season if she dyed her hair? It started getting eerie! Same facial expressions, same smile. Shawntel can rock the party dresses WAY better than ol’ Ali, though, but these two could definitely be related.

Fakest “We’re So Happy for You!” Group Support:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to the girls after they see Shawntel walk back into the hotel suite holding gigantoid bags from every major European designer imaginable. They all tell her how lucky she is as they secretly stare daggers at her and at each other over how much loot she scored. I can just picture Dentist Ashley’s t-shirt made especially for her when she arrives home from this while experience: “I went on The Bachelor and all I got was a ride on a lousy Ferris wheel!” The disparity in money spent on these dates is pretty funny and I love how it makes it look like Brad is favoring some girls over others. It’s fun to watch the girls fake tell Shawntel that she looks pretty in her new, expensive dress and pretend to fawn over all of the big bags when what they really want to do is heave it all out of the window.

2. The second award goes to all of the girls as they watch all of the times Brad pulls Emily aside during this episode. This girl got so much one-on-one time with Brad that she may as well ask for the ring now, right? Even though she was technically on the group date, it was great fun to watch all the girls pretend to feel happy/sorry for her in front of her face, but then rail behind her back about how they felt like they were on a date that was just supposed to be for her and Brad.

Most Disappointed Bachelorette of the Evening:

This goes to Shawntel, who had to be crushed that when her Date Card said, “Let’s end tonight with a bang!” it meant she was watching fireworks from the roof and not getting to be the first girl to check out Brad’s junk close up.

Worst Dinner Conversation Topic Ever Award:

Shawntel, Shawntel, Shawntel…word to the wise. We get what you do for a living. And we get Brad asked you about it. But dear lord, please please PLEASE do not use the words like “leakage”, “orifices”. “vein drain”, or “replace blood” while you are sitting on the roof of a mall with a handsome stud. You might as well have thrown in the words “moist” or “coagulate” just to really make sure Brad heaved up his whole dinner. I was gagging listening to her and I wasn’t even eating. Poor Brad. It must not have scarred him too badly, though, since he ended up giving Shawntel the rose AND telling her that she’s “…the hottest funeral director I’ve ever met!” like there has been more than one.

Most Clued-Out About World Events Award:

Apparently this show was all filmed way before the unrest in Egypt. How else to explain the constant shots of the pyramid and Sphinx in front of the Luxor? Very odd to see this and then see cut-ins for the news about what was going on in the Middle East. They couldn’t have substituted some footage from Circus Circus instead? Was it THAT hard to do? This all seemed in bad taste…

“LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUMMMBBBBBLLLLLLLE!” Award:

Once all of the names of girls going on the group date are read, it becomes immediately apparent that it’s going to be “Singing with Seal” Ashley versus “Crazy Dentist” Ashley on the dreaded two-on-one date. Of course, the drama is heightened as we find out that they are actually best friends on the show, so they are overtly rooting for the other one, but secretly hoping the other one OD’s in the bathtub too. In the least shocking moment of the night, Michelle tells us that she doesn’t care which one goes home. Alert the media.

So now it’s on. Ashley versus Ashley in a Bachelor smackdown to beat all smackdowns. At this point in the evening, I’m hoping that one of them will at least pull out the extensions of the other on top of the table while Brad’s trying to cut his filet mignon. ANYTHING to break up these dreary doldrums…

“Meanest Date of the Show” Award:

Poor Emily. Not only did she lose her racecar-driving fiancé in a plane crash AND end up pregnant with his daughter AND have to tell the story over and over again on this show so she can be set up to be the next bachelorette, but she also gets selected to go on the group date to a RACETRACK. And of course this isn’t just any ol’ racetrack. It’s the exact same racetrack where her fiancé crashed and ended his racing career. AND of course she’s never been behind the wheel of a racecar because her fiancé always drove her and made her feel safe and secure.

But don’t worry about her, y’all. She’s fine and dandy. She can put on a brave face and buck up under the worst of circumstances. That’s what Southern girls do, y’all.

C’mon, producers. What were you thinking here? First you make her fly in a little jet on her first date with Brad, and now you make her haul out to the same racetrack where her fiancé CRASHED?! I love laughing at the drama on this show, but this was all too over-the-top even for me. Mean mean mean (but watchable watchable watchable…)

Most Shocking Word Uttered on the Show:

This goes to Brad when he tells us one of the girls has “tenacity”. Woah, Big Guy. Back down from those high-falutin’ SAT words. You’re a hot guy from Texas. You have an image to uphold now. You can’t go ‘round throwin’ out those polysyllabic words without it coming back to hit you in the nugs one of these days. You’ve been warned.

Best Sign You’re in the Running to Be At Least Top Three on This Show:

We discovered last night that Brad already is calling Emily “Em”. This is a great sign that she’s here to stay for a long while. Why give someone a nickname if you’re not feeling close to her? Maybe it was worth it after all to endure the bad memories, huh?

Best Play of the “Use Tears to Get What You Want” Gambit:

This goes to “I’d like to buy an ‘E”” Alli, who during her alone time with Brad on the Group Date breaks down and tells him, “It’s hard to feel special” with so many girls vying for the prize. This makes her stand out and so during the final cocktail party Brad of course has to make a point of making her feel special by bringing up some champagne and a mini chocolate cake, complete with green frosting to match the dress she wore the night they first met. Gag…

Yeah, like Brad really remembers the color of her dress that night when he’s still got the image of Kickin’ Keltie’s panties emblazoned on his irises. You just know some poor intern on the show had to parse through hours and hours of footage before he found the color of dress and then had to go to the bakery to make sure they matched the frosting with the right shade of green. Brad had nothing to do with any of this, right?

Dueling Mini Dresses Award:

This goes to the Ashleys as they walk out of their suite and through the lobby of the hotel to meet Brad for their date. They looked like a TV ad for Ross. Both of them had on what was essentially the exact same dress, just cut and styled a bit differently. I say “Singing with Seal” Ashley rocked it harder, though. Hers just seemed to fit better and fiercer. What do YOU think?

“I Know I’ve Lost Already Before the Date Has Even Really Begun” Award:

This goes to “Singing with Seal” Ashley, who, when she sees that their date will be a competition to see who can spin around up high and be all bendy in the air the best, tells Brad, “My body doesn’t move like that!” and then becomes the saddest sack ever as she realizes that there’s no way she’s sticking around tonight. Did she smile once after she saw the rehearsal? I think not since she knew the writing was on the wall. She even goes off about how on this date she’s not really competing against Crazy Dentist Ashley. She’s competing “against my own demons” whatever those are. Girl, you need to have self-confidence going in, or it’s gonna sting on your way out. Your Cirque is about to get Soleil’ed…

Harshest Dump Line:

This goes to Brad as he tells Ashley that she will make a great wife, but just not for him. Ouch. That pretty much says it like it is, huh Ash?

Best “Pouring Salt into Your Wounds to Make Sure They Hurt Even More” Award:

As if it weren’t bad enough that “Singing with Seal” Ashley gets dumped because she isn’t whirly-twirly enough in Cirque du Soleil, how harsh do you think it was for her to watch the other scenes last night involving her? As she’s breaking down in the back of the limo weeping about how she’ll never find true love, we see shots of Crazy Dentist Ashley and Brad twirling to Elvis music. And the clincher? They of course are twirling to Are You Lonesome Tonight? which “Singing with Seal” Ashley obviously will be. Loved the juxtaposition there. Also loved the shot of the burly guy (why do these guys always have to be burly?) taking away her luggage while the girls all gasp.

It must have really sucked to be “Singing with Seal” Ashley watching that all play out last night at home after the fact. Good luck, “Singing with Seal”. Hopefully Mr. Right is out there somewhere.

Person About Which I Care the Least This Season:

Yuck. Brad’s shrink just rubs me the wrong way. How much do you think he’s getting paid for all of his lame advice? All the while Brad spews his stupid psychological mumbo-jumbo, the psychiatrist is staring off into space out in his backyard somewhere daydreaming about all the cash getting transferred into his bank account since he agreed to do this whole train wreck in the first place. (Side note: Did anyone else keep count and then start laughing out loud at how many times Brad answered, “Yes,” or, “I completely understand,” to this guy? I mean, I’m glad Brad’s off the tenacity train finally, but his answers sunk to a new low of vapidness, even for this show!)

“It’s Time to Get This Girl Home NOW!” Award:

What was up with Michelle at the cocktail party? She basically kidnaps Brad away and then forces him to sit in a chair and listen to her rant about (what else?) how she’s more mature and the other ladies are girls, all the while maintaining super creepy too-close eye contact with him. She doesn’t even allow Brad to speak while she tells him she’s different from the other girls and that she thinks he should go back out there and “…send some girls home now” in her best bossy lady voice. How does he not see what we see? My guess is he does, but that she’s the only quasi-interesting personality left on this season, so the producers are forcing him to keep her until they REALLY get desperate. We haven’t even met her kid yet. Brad won’t dump her until after that date, right?

“Sucks to Be You!” Award:

This goes to both “Stupid Tiara in My Hair That’s Really Just Holding My Hair Back” Marisa and Lisa (who?). While “Singing with Seal” Ashley got dumped and got to sob her troubles  away in a swanky limo, these two girls only get taxi cabs. And Marisa…get ready for it…actually has to get shuttled away in a JEEP taxi! Obviously this show plays favorites, and obviously neither of these two was the favorite this season. Sucks to be you, girls. Do you think they had to pay their own fares?

Most Overly Melodramatic Line of the Evening:

Lisa (who?) after she’s been dumped tells us, “This just makes me question EVERYthing!” Really, Lisa (who?)? Everything? So you’re saying that your entire life, your entire identity was created around falling in love and getting married to this guy? Maybe that’s a really good sign that it’s time to re-evaluate your life. I’ve heard about this great shrink in LA. He shows too much chest hair and stares weirdly into space as you spew mumbo-jumbo, but I hear he comes highly recommended by hot guys from Texas.

“Ah…That Explains A LOT!” Award:

This goes to “Singing with Seal” Ashley who in the credits at the end of the show is shown trying to stuff a gigantic teddy bear into her luggage as she tries to pack for Vegas. She actually talks to him. You have to go back and watch it if you didn’t stick around long enough to see it. C’mon, “Singing with Seal”…you have one hour to pack and THAT’S what you choose to try to fit into your luggage? Next time you might also want to leave room for self-esteem, strategy, and maturity. And didn’t you love Alli’s response when the Ashleys asked her if they should bring the bear? Her look said it all. “Are these chicks f***ing KIDDING me here?”

Hype That We Are Already Sick of Award:

How many times could Chris Harrison tell us that this is “the most controversial season of The Bachelor EVER!” during the previews for coming weeks? Um, Chris? I’m pretty sure the most controversial part of this season was that Brad was getting a second chance, and I’m pretty sure we all know he was coming back like, um, around Thanksgiving, if not earlier. So you can cut out all this “Most controversial EVER!” crap cuz we’re not buying it for one second. This could go down as the single most boring season ever, and there’s no amount of huffing and puffing  and smoke and mirrors that you’re going to be able to use to make us think otherwise.

Is it horrible that I hope someone’s zip line breaks in Costa Rica and they fall to their deaths? Or that Brad dumps Michelle because he hates her little kid or SOMETHING ANYTHING to give this season some pizzazz? Is it too much to ask to actually be entertained through all of this train wreck TV?

And so with that, I say goodbye for this week. Come on over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose. You can let us know what you thought about last night’s episode there or in the comments section here. Catch you next time!

Recycling, Sippy Dentists, and Bad Dancers

Is it just me, or is this season getting really boring really quickly? It is fast becoming The Michelle Show, and I don’t feel like I could name half the girls who are left at this point. I’ll try to make this week’s post as entertaining as possible, but the producers, it seems, are trying to foil my attempts at giving out any awards this week.

Chunky jewelry was in full effect again this week. We spied everything from Meaghan’s big earrings to Michelle’s giant bracelet, to Britt’s big danglers too. I love a theme.

On we go…

The First Recycled Date of the Season:

TIE:

1. This award first goes to Chantal O. and Brad, who helicopter over to Catalina Island just like Kiptyn and Tenley did during Bachelor Pad last summer. Chantal and Brad even hang in the same outdoors-y spot on the beach complete with cabana tents and a huge bed/chaise lounge thingy for canoodling both in and out of the rain.

2. The second recycled date of the evening goes to Michelle and Brad who scale down a tall building in downtown L.A. and then have dinner and a swim. This date has been done to death already. I always wonder what the people who live or work inside that building are told before the date happens. “WARNING: Vapid people with sexually transmitted diseases will be pressing themselves against the glass of your apartment between 4:00 and 6:00 today. “ OR “WARNING: Because you live on the 25^th floor, we have to warn you that our happy couple will be stopping right in front of your windows to pose for the requisite ‘Kiss in the Middle of a Scary Event’ moment that our show requires. We thank you for your patience.”

Funniest Star Wars Reference:

I did a spit take when I saw Chantal O. and Brad walking along the ocean floor in what looked like authentic Storm Trooper outfits from the original Star Wars series. All they needed was some laser guns to start blasting all the fake fish they filmed to make it look like they were in a really exotic location when they were really only off the coast of California where there are hardly any interesting-looking fish. Even an appearance by Darth Vader wasn’t going to save how boring this date was. Of course Chantal is “terrified” of going into deep water in the ocean, so of course the producers made sure that this was the date she was on, and of course she got through it and used the whole episode as a metaphor for her love for Brad. Bleah. So tired and recycled. This show needs to mix it up a bit more.

“We’re Ready to Rip Out Our Own Eyeballs Now! Uncle!” Award:

Oh…my…GOD! I am SO over Michelle’s constant whining and snarky comments about the other girls. We get it. Girlfriend is nuts. She slinks around like an anemic cat and throws out barbs at the other girls like a skanky fisherman with no eyebrows. But oh my god…do we have to hear again and again and again that she thinks she’s better and that she had better get one-on-one time with Brad or that she’s the best match for him? Do they pay her by the word for this crap? It’s so mind-numbingly tired by now.

Which leads us to our companion award for this category…

Contestant Most Giving Michelle a Run for Her Money in the Loony Department:

This of course goes to Ashley S. Who knew that dentists could be so needy and nuts all at the same time? You think they should be calm and collected as they precisely drill into your teeth, but not our pal Ashley S. No, she sees Brad showing interest in other girls and starts freaking out about it. Like seriously bat-sh** crazy. She curls up on Brad’s lap a few times, cries, flips her hair, rubs her mouth, sucks on her own lips – all sure signs that the meltdown is imminent. It’s no surprise that the producers made Brad keep her around for another week. They can sense the impending implosion just as well as we can, and they can’t wait for how delicious it’s all gonna be.

Ashley S. has learned from the best, and so throughout the show she does her best Michelle imitations by breaking up one-on-one times in awkward ways, moving around to creepy stalker music, stalking through brush and grassy knolls to approach Brad making out with someone else to interrupt him with what she thinks is something more important, and taking swigs off of a gigantic chalice of red wine every 10 seconds. Michelle should have patented these moves, right? Cuz Crazy Dentist is all over them every chance she can get.

I’m guessing that if Crazy Dentist ends up losing this little Brad Battle, her list of patients will be shrinking down to zero. Did you see her pinkie sticking out as she got sloshed on her red wine? Not really the image you like of the person who is responsible for giving you shots in your gums and putting drill bits in your tooth canals.

Most “WTF?” Moment:

OK, Michelle…WTF? How do you go to bed with normal eyes one night and wake up with one black one the next day? How does something like that even happen? We would have totally bought it if you had said that Dentist Ashley S. hauled off and hit you with one of those things they use to suck all the spit out of your mouth at the dentist’s office or if you had said Chantal O. clubbed you with a beer bottle in a drunken brawl. But this whole, “I have no idea how it happened! I have heartburn!” bit is just a tad bit beyond belief. Any guesses as to what really happened? We may never know, but I really hope she gets asked about it on the reunion show.

Drinking Game of the Week:

This goes to Brad and any time that he used the word “real”. Last night I counted it being used by him 6 times. Of course, this game would have been a hard one to play since every time he used the word you would have had to take a shot AND try not to spit it back out in laughter as you realized that he was using the word “real” to mean the dates he was on and the women he was dating. Nothing real about any of that.

Fakest Radio Broadcast of All Time:

This has gotta be the Group Date where Brad and some of the young lovelies pay a visit to Lovelines and Dr. Drew. Don’t be fooled by the flashing lights and the “On the Air” lights coming on. There is no way any of that was really broadcast, is there? This show was taped back in the fall. If it had gone out live then, people would have already known which girls were still in the mix and it would have spoiled results. And did you notice how almost no one except the hosts was talking into an actual mike? At one point, Britt had her mouth right in front of one and someone actually nudged it away from her so we could get a better view of her face.

And how hard did you laugh at all of them saying how Dr. Drew really got them to open up and all share their feelings? Let’s see… we found out that Stacey cheated in college, that Meghan is looking for a guy who she can be herself around (NEWSFLASH: this is every human being on the planet), and Britt gets nervous around Brad. Wow, Dr. Drew, I have seen you help celebrities in rehab and lesser-known people with relationship issues, but the depths of this soul-bearing know no bounds.

This whole radio show thing was crap from the first light flashing on and I hope Dr. Drew is as thoroughly embarrassed for agreeing to do it as we were for watching it.

Best Line of the Night:

This actually could be the winner for Best Line of the Season, but we still have a ways to go before we crown that one. This one goes hands-down to Chantal O. Back at the mansion while some of the other girls are out on their Group Date, the fake doorbell rings and the next Date Card gets delivered. Of course it’s the one-on-one date for Michelle that they have been setting up all night. Michelle is excited she finally gets her time and she hears what the message Brad has written her says: “Let’s hang out together.”

It what can only be described as the mark of true genius, Chantal O. waits a beat, then points out to Michelle, “Your card doesn’t have love in it.” And we realize it’s true. The ladies list off all the Date Cards Brad has sent out so far, and they all included the word “love” in them. Hilariously, this card does not. Next, Chantal shows us her truly perfect timing with delivery when she adds, “Oh, it’s probably nothing…” with a little smirk. And the death-blow has been dealt.

Next we get a montage of Michelle obsessing over what it means that her card didn’t have the word love in it. Chantal has planted the seeds of doubt in Michelle’s mind PERFECTLY, and it’s truly awesome to watch her unravel. It’s gonna be tough to beat Chantal this season in this award!

Biggest “Dis” of the Episode:

This is really tough, so I’m going to call it a four-way tie:

1. Ashely S. seems to be popping up a lot in this posting, and this award is no exception. Brad seems all ready to give her the rose on the Group Date – something which would insure that she’s around for at least another week. But when he comes back to the hot tub to make his announcement, she gets all passive-aggressive and starts flipping out. Brad announces that he’s had a last-minute change in plans and he instead calls Britt out and gives the rose to her. OUCH! That’s gotta hurt more than a root canal gone bad, huh Crazy Dentist? The rose was yours, and you blew it with your psycho, needy, insecure ways. Nice strategy you got goin’ there.

2. Of course, you could also say this award goes to Britt, since she is obviously the Sloppy Seconds rose recipient. It has to suck at least a little to know that you weren’t the first choice and that the only reason you’re getting the rose is because the frontrunner all of a sudden turned red wine crazy in a hot tub. Sucks to be Britt too.

3. And let’s not forget about Michelle. She’s all excited to finally have her one-on-one time with Brad only to discover that he’s going to clear the air with Ashley S. first before he takes Michelle out. Michelle gets to sit and fume while Brad takes Ashley outside to let her know that if she doesn’t get off of the crazy train and back to “how you were at the carnival”-ville, that she’ll be taking the next cab to the airport. Michelle is so fed up she literally jerks Brad’s arm towards the door when he finally says he’s ready to leave with her. Sucks to be Michelle too, except she’s nuts so we just laugh at her and think she’s getting what she deserves.

4. Lastly, we could give this award to all of the girls except Emily, as Brad whisks her outside during the cocktail party and gives the sweet young thing her very own special picnic on the wet cement of the driveway. The other girls are beyond miffed and can tell what wall the writing is on. This was vintage Bachelor and the producers milked it well for all it was worth. Special bonus credit for when one of the girls asked the group, “Do you think he has the ring in that basket?”

Best Call-Out of the Night:

This goes again to Chantal O., who finally can’t take any more of Michelle’s whining about her day being ruined by the drama with Ashley S. Chantal reminds Michelle that she did the exact same thing on a previous Group Date and focused all of the attention on herself. Michelle sees it differently, but we all know Chantal is 100% right. I’m liking Chantal more as I watch her stand up to the crazies.

Funniest Mispronounced Word That Could Also Be a Double-Entendre:

On his date with Michelle, Brad mispronounces the word “rappel” over and over and instead says, “repel”. How funny was it to hear him say that he and Michelle were going to “repel” down to the pool below? I’d say they did a really good job of “repelling” throughout the evening (especially to those folks up there on the 25^th floor…)

Least Surprising Outcome of the Evening:

Michelle is scared of heights. Brad is scared of crazy chicks who are hairdressers from Utah and also heights. Of course their date involves rappelling down the side of a tall building. Their voices crack, they both say they are going to throw up. They both don’t think they can do it. And then…success! Magically they do it! We are (not) shocked.

Worst Parent Ever:

This goes to Michelle, who says she’s fine with a guy she’s known for about 6 days and who has locked lips with at least half of the ladies there and who did this whole process a few years back and ended up with NO ONE and keeps Michelle and Crazy Dentist around to come meet her daughter. Say what now again? You want BRAD to meet your DAUGHTER?! Where’s the logic there? You should be hiding your daughter as far away from this man as possible. Dumb is contagious, y’know. Just ask Jake and Vienna.

Most Obvious Dump of the Night Before It Even Happened:

Lindsey is a first grade teacher who has said about three words this entire season and never had one-on-one time with Brad, but tonight she gets a ton of airtime. This is a true sign to us seasoned veterans that she will be dumped tonight. Ditto for Meaghan, who seems a bit too manly for Brad’s taste if you ask me. When Brad gives her dating advice about how to let her walls down and sounds like her dad, the death knell is rung.

So with lots of lip-sucking and sidelong glances, Crazy Dentist and Michelle both get to stay. This week another bevy of “Who the hell were THEY?!” beauties get dumped, including Manly Meaghan, Jersey Shore Stacey who cheated in college (lesson learned, ladies….never let Dr. Drew force you to admit something like this if you’re dating a hot guy), and Teacher Lindsey who lets us know that she thinks her dad will be “so proud” of her. What?! Proud of her?! For what?! For saying three words on a show where women throw themselves on the dumbest guy on the planet all in the name of furthering their modeling and acting careers? My neck still hurts from all the head-shaking I did at that line.

Next week we see that the Group Date takes them to the racetrack, and of course Emily (whose racecar-drivin’ boyfriend was killed in a plane crash in case you hadn’t heard) is along for all of the drama. We see lots of tears next week, which leads me to believe that both the crazies will hit their boiling point. Can’t wait.

In the credits we see that Brad can’t dance, which is a SUPER bad sign for all of these ladies. Because you know what they say about guys who are bad dancers, right? Sorry to break it to you ladies, but the vertical mambo is not the only thing that Brad’s probably not so hot at. Just to warn ya…

Let’s hope next week’s episode cranks up the interest level a bit more and ratchets down the crazies a bit – or at least has them go crazy about something new. As always, thanks for reading this far and please come over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose so we can have more fans over there too. This has been a quiet season from my readers, so I assume most of you have already tuned out of this season too, right? Is this thing on? Anyone out there? Let’s hear fro you!

See you next week…

Heidi, Tail-less Peacocks, and Ninjas

Welcome back to After the Rose! So did you all survive last night’s episode without sinking into a pit of despair? Was that not the most depressing, pass-the-Kleenex, violin-swelling-filled episode of all time? At every turn there was another sad story one of the ladies had to tell – some of them more than once! It ended up turning into a total weepfest, which was just about the only interesting thing about this episode. Otherwise, last night was pretty much a snoozer. Onward with tonight’s awards…

Best Drinking Game of the Night:

This goes to Michelle, of course. Her on-going tirade against the other girls and how they had better get out of her way because she’s the only real woman is beyond tired. No offense to anyone reading this who is named Michelle, but is it a coincidence that the crazy this season is named Michelle and then there was Crazy Michelle from Jake’s season and Bachelor Pad? They sure know how to cast some interesting Michelle’s on this show, huh? And you know this girl is crazy for two other reasons: (1) every time she enters a shot, the music changes and gets all stalker-y, and (2) she has no eyebrows.

Raise your glass every time Michelle says something like, “These girls are not right for Brad!” or, “Brad needs to end up with a woman!” (as opposed to a garbage disposal, Michelle?) , or, “I want ninjas to kidnap the other girls!”

Hoist ‘em high when Michelle rolls her eyes as she watches other girls canoodle with Brad, or uses her hair as a “I can’t see you making out with my man cuz my hair’s in front of my face!” shield against the other girls’ wily ways.

Special bonus shots for Michelle slinking into the background in a creepy way during Brad’s one-on-one time with another girl and awkwardly breaking the whole thing up so she can get time with him instead.

Here’s to you, Michelle (hic!) We love contestants like you. You have the double bonus of being totally nuts AND the producers make Brad keep you around so there will be interesting personalities left and we won’t be stuck watching the dentist-chick flip her hair all night instead.

Flashiest Chunky Jewelry:

The big bling was less conspicuous tonight, but it certainly made its appearance. There was a giant spider ring that appeared at one point, but I forgot to put in my notes on whose finger it was.

Honorable mention goes to Ashley S. who, during her date with Brad at Capitol Records, is sporting a huge, white chunky bracelet. Was it ceramic? It almost looked like something your crazy Aunt Sylvia, who really sells real estate but who dabbles in ceramics on the weekend, would make you for your birthday and then you’re forced to wear it to all family celebrations and pretend to like it even though you know she’s nuts. Or was it plastic? It also kinda looked a little bit like something Marcia Brady would have rocked at the pizza parlor. There was even some sort of flower or peace symbol painted on it to add to that 70’s feel.

Either way, I was getting a heavy Wonder Woman vibe from it. Maybe Michelle could borrow it to deflect off the onslaught of girls who don’t deserve Brad?

And we can’t leave the chunky jewelry category without giving Honorable Mention to Kimberly. I know, I know…your first thought is, “Who?” Kimberly! C’mon, folks. You know her. She’s the blonde who has said like three words all season and who hasn’t had any one-on-one time with Brad and has basically blended into the background all season? Kimberly? What’s that you say? That description covers about 10 girls this season so far? Hmmmm…you’re right. So let me tell you why Kimberly made this category this week.

Did anyone else notice that she was rocking those same peacock feather earrings that Kickin’ Keltie was wearing as she was dumped and Rockette-ed to the limo last week? For some unknown reason, Kimberly thinks it’s a good idea to wear, if not the same pair, the exact same idea of earring. Like Kickin’ Keltie’s situation last week, you just know there’s some peacock at the Oklahoma City Animal Sanctuary who was brought in with all of his plumage plucked, huddled in the corner getting no action from the peahens all in the name of dangly, glamorous fashion.

Kimberly’s earrings do their big dangly thing as she tries to merge into the background all night, and SHOCK! – she ends up getting dumped too, just like Kickin’ Keltie (although Kimberly decides NOT to flash her panties and tell us all how bendy she is…) Lessons learned from all this? Big bracelets equal make-out sessions, serenades from guys with weird scars on their faces, and plenty of squeezing on Brad’s abs. Giant peacock dangly earrings equal, “Don’t let the door smack you on the way into the limo!” I hope you all take this to heart in case you ever find yourself auditioning for this show (and if you ever do, please let me know. I would LOVE to know someone from this show and get inside scoop about what really goes on!)

Saddest Story of the Evening:

I mentioned in the intro that I believe this could be the most depressing episode of The Bachelor ever. It’s hard to pick just one story.

Do we give the nod to Ashley S. who tells us that she and her dad used to sing Kiss from a Rose all the time together before he had a brain aneurysm and…wait for it…DIED?

Or did you find the tears flowing more when you heard Chantal O. talk about how she didn’t talk to her biological father for 15 years, but tracked him down only to find that he had…wait for it…DIED?

Or how about Emily’s sad story (told twice during this episode…a grand total of four times for the season so far) about being 18, marrying her high school sweetheart, and then finding out she was pregnant with his daughter just before he was in a plane crash and…wait for it…DIED? (Does anyone else see Emily as an exact hybrid of Dolly Parton and Holly from The Girls Next Door on E!?)

Or how about Alli, who during the final cocktail party wells up as she talks about the fact that her dad was unfaithful to her mom and had another kid and that her parents…wait for it…DIVORCED (thought I was gonna say DIED, dintcha?)

Or how about Madison’s tears as she hears Emily’s story and suddenly has a flash of, “What the HELL am I doing here chasing after this dumbass with all of these crazy-ass bitches when there really is true love to be found in the real world?” She cries big tears all over the place and then…DIES! (Psych! That should have said, “She cries big tears all over the place and SNAPS OUT HER FANGS IN A SYMBOLIC GESTURE OF HOW STUPID THAT WHOLE VAMPIRE RUSE WAS TO BEGIN WITH!) Ain’t no dead relative that can mess with that, right?

I think that even though I will tear out my own teeth if she tells the whole, sordid story one more time, that I will give this award to Emily. Not only does she have a truly sad story, but she somehow manages to tell it in such a way that lives are changed and vampire teeth are popped out.

(And just as a side note so you don’t think I am cruel and heartless. I am not intending to make fun of anyone dying or divorcing or changing their teeth for vampire porn (OK, well maybe I can poke a little fun about the vampire porn and you’ll forgive me, right?) I have a heart too. I have lost people close to me. My folks divorced too. I don’t wish what these girls went through on anyone. I’m not poking fun at the bad news, only the way in which this show capitalizes on it and force feeds it to us like creamed spinach.)

Best “Dis” of the Night:

TIE:

1. During the final cocktail party, Michelle is curled up like a ready-to-pounce snake on the couch. Brad walks in the room, and she asks him, “Can I have you?” What was up with that? Can she HAVE him? How about, “Hey Brad. Do you have some time to chat?” or, “Hi Brad. These are my breasts and they are all yours if you take me outside right now.” But no, Michelle has to opt for the nutso approach and ask Brad, “Can I have you?”

Brad of course blows her off because she’s sitting there all creepy like a self-important, entitled Cleopatra. He walks over to a different girl instead. Cut to the next scene and there’s Chantal O. standing there asking Brad, “Can I have you?” (emphasis on the “I”)

I laughed out loud at this, and it rocketed Chantal O. up to the top of my likability meter for the evening. And to make matters even more humiliating for Cleo over on the couch, Brad says yes to Chantal O. and they stroll merrily on their way! Loved that scene. The Bachelor at its best!

2. What was up with rolling out a shrink for Brad? Did anyone else notice that this shrink is not the same one who got interviewed during the first episode? Total slap in the face to the original guy, huh? The producers must have told him, “Yeah…you’ve been Brad’s shrink for over three years and have nursed him back to mental health again well enough that he can put his hands up and down the dresses of all 30 of these ladies. You did a great job. But we’re not going to spring for you to fly out to L.A. and stay there in case Brad needs you like he’s needed you for three years straight. Instead, we’re going to hire a British guy who will be your stand-in because he looks more masculine with his shirt unbuttoned too far and all that hair coming off of his chest and he sounds smarter than you do since he has a British accent and you’re from Texas. Oh…and he has a tan and we can weirdly side light him better while he’s sitting in Brad’s living room. But take care, m’k?”

What do you think the odds are that Brad’s original doctor will ever see him again? Um…zero? Sucks to be you Mr. pasty-faced, Texas shrink. Total dis from the show. Maybe next time you’ll show up to the party tanned and buffed as is befitting a guest on The Bachelor.

Brad’s Dumbest Moment:

Wow. I mentioned in an earlier post that I think Brad may be just about the dumbest guy on the planet. There literally is nothing going on in those eyes at any point while he speaks or thinks. I figured I could pick one moment from this episode to highlight, but I’ll let you decide. So which is dumbest?

A. Inferencing tends to be tricky for the un-smart. Here’s one example where Brad falters. Emily relates that her husband went on a plane and that the plane never made it to its destination. Brad asks, “OK…his plane crashed?” Where does he think it went if it didn’t make it to its destination? It’s not like she’s trying to imply they took a swing by Bora Bora or something. Yes…it crashed, Brad. Don’t make the poor girl say it AGAIN!

B. Inappropriate responses also tend to trip up the slow-witted. After Emily has told her tragic tale and let Brad know that she also has a child, his first instinct is not to give her a hug. Nope, not our Brad. He doesn’t ask her if she’s OK or even thank her for relating all of that highly-personal information. No, Brad waits a beat and then asks, “Is it a boy or a girl?” In this moment, does that really matter, Brad? Will you dump her if she gives the wrong answer?

C. Math apparently is also an issue for our Brad. As he is rehashing how great his date with Emily went, he tells the camera that it seems like 100 pounds has been lifted off of Emily’s shoulders now that she has told him her story. Um, Brad, if she lost 100 pounds, that would make that cute, teensy thing about -15 pounds, right? (Yes…NEGATIVE fifteen pounds…)

I’ll let you decide which of Brad’s dumb moments was the true winner. Or did I miss one? Let me know in the comments.

Grossest Line of the Show:

The producers hit pay dirt with this one when they showed us Michelle saying that at the end of the show she wanted it to be just her and Brad, “…in Tahiti practicing making babies.”

Because Brad is so dense, this conjured up images of him trying to make babies by putting some body parts where they…um…how do I say this delicately? Where they don’t belong?

MICHELLE: “Brad! Get that thing out of my ear!”

BRAD: “Sorry, babe. Just practicin’…”

Brad’s Worst Acting Moment:

Since I’m already raking Brad across the coals here, I might as well add in a little something about his bad acting skills. We all know that most of what he says has been scripted for him by the producers. Watch the closing credits to see how many writers this show takes to be able to put such amazing words into everyone’s mouths. So it’s always funny to me when The Bachelor is forced to say and do things that are obviously out of his comfort zone.

This episode was no exception. When Cleopatra Michelle slinks into the background of Brad’s one-on-one time with Alli at the pool party, I almost had to turn away with how bad Brad’s rehearsed reaction shot was. He pretends to stutter through an answer to Alli while looking strangely at Michelle playing with her split ends. It’s so hard to watch Brad stumble through this scene, but it’s also kinda funny that the producers decided to leave his bad acting in and not make him re-shoot it. That’s how bad the other shots were, apparently.

The worst of his acting, though, had to have been at the start of the action movie group date. As the girls are getting out of the van and assembling to see what lies in store, Brad begins to tell them about the day. Of course, a huge explosion interrupts him and he’s attacked by ninjas. Of course. The lead-up to this interruption could not have been any more obvious. Brad’s eyes keep shifting around and he keeps slowing his voice down as if an explosion might happen and he might be attacked by ninjas at any moment. Truly cringe-worthy, but I guess when you look like he does and you’re getting the national exposure that he is, you don’t need to be a good actor, right?

Most Exciting Comeback of the Season:

The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back! The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back! The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back!

Most Pre-Arranged “We Know This Is Gonna Make Great TV’ Date of the Night:

TIE:

1. We could give this one to Ashley S., who has to sing Kiss from a Rose, which just happens to be the only song she and her dad (who died…did you hear?) sang together. She is totally freaked out about having to sing in the first place until she realizes that she’ll be singing “their song”. How contrived was THAT whole thing? I think they probably first asked Seal if he would do the show, then they polled all the ladies and asked them for every song they have ever liked in their entire lives. The one that put anything remotely related to Seal got the date after some finagling like this:

PRODUCERS: “Um…Ashley S….it says here on your favorite song questionnaire that your favorite songs are My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, Rape and Pillage by Murder is Fun, and I am the Walrus by The Beatles. You’re going to go on a date with Brad and sing a Seal song since a seal and a walrus are basically the same animal, we think. So from now on your favorite song is Kiss from a Rose, m’k?

ASHLEY S.: Oh my god! Seal’s face kinda creeps me out, but I turned that song on too loudly once in the car when I was a kid and my dad told me to turn it down! I totally connect with that song and my dad! Can I wear my ceramic/plastic Marcia Brady/Wonder Woman bracelet?

PRODUCERS: Only if you promise to cry when you talk about your dad and only if you promise to make out with Brad while we circle helicopters around the roof to film you.

ASHLEY S.: OK!

(and how old did it make you feel that she said she sang that song when she was TEN?! Sigh…)

2. The other overly-contrived date of the evening has to go to poor Emily. She’s excited to get some one-on-one time with Brad, but her smile fades as he excitedly pulls into the airport and proudly announces that they will be flying in a small plane to get to their final destination. Poor Emily. Brad doesn’t know her past with small planes, but she’s got to power through the sadness and just get on that plane.

Obviously the producers knew all about Emily’s back-story. So why couldn’t SHE be the one to go to the carnival or get the Julia Roberts treatment last week? Why does she HAVE to be the one who rides in a small plane? Because it makes great TV, obviously! Those crafty producers know exactly how to play with our emotions.

Saddest Celebrity Reference of the Evening:

I know you are all expecting me to rail on Seal for even appearing on this show in the first place. It’s always the mark of death to be a musician and be in any way associated with this show (Paging a Peter Cetera-less Chicago from Jake’s season…Chicago? Anyone?)

But I actually really like Seal and he sounded great, so I’ll give him props for showing up last night. This award, actually, goes to his wife Heidi Klum. I was SO bummed that she didn’t show up too! I know the reasons why she didn’t, but I really wanted her to be there anyway.

First of all, the producers know that someone like Heidi would totally outclass any girl there. None of these girls can hold a candle to a high-powered fashion model with her own show on Lifetime and her own signature line for booting contestants out the door.

Second, Heidi is one of those celebs who gets how sad you have to be to even appear on a show like The Bachelor. She has way too much street cred to have to show up on this wreck of a show. How would she ever look at Tim Gunn or Nina Garcia or Michael Kors in the eyes ever again? Smart move, Heidi, but we missed you nonetheless. (Ouch…as I am typing this in Microsoft Word, it doesn’t highlight “Klum” as a possible misspelling, but it DOES highlight “Kors”. She’s EVERYWHERE like Oprah…Discuss…)

So this award goes to Heidi, who made me sad by not showing up last night, even though I knew she wouldn’t.

Worst Idea for a Date Food:

On Brad’s date in the barn with Emily, we can see mounds of asparagus on both of their plates. Asparagus?! Everyone knows that you eat that stuff and almost instantly your pee will smell like the most rank, stanky, musty sweat sock you could find on the floor of a middle school boys’ locker room. Whose brainchild was this? I know they probably aren’t going to follow each other into the bathroom when one of them has to pee (although I hear Brad may be into this…), but what about air quality post-pee? How do you fix THAT in a barn set up with candles and Hollywood lighting? Am I the only one who does any THINKING here?! I’m guessing they either didn’t eat any of it, or they played, “Who can hold their pee the longest?’ all night.

Rose Ceremony Round-Up:

It sucked to be a blonde last night, because all three ladies who left had blonde hair. Madison quit on her own dramatically in the middle of the ceremony. That girl popped out her fangs and literally laid them on the table along with her heart (and a chalice of blood, a bat’s head, and her business card in case Brad ever wants to hook up for some freaky sex.)

Kimberly and Sarah P. are both let go and we have absolutely no idea who either of them is. Neither one has had any inkling of a story arc so far this season, so we knew they were goners from the start.

They do each have one distinguishing feature for us to remember them by, however. In Kimberly’s case, it’s the aforementioned peacock earrings. For Sarah P., it’s the frustration that she chose super-runny mascara on the night she gets dumped. Talk about your raccoon eyes! You know the show tells the girls the mascara is waterproof, but then gives them the cheap-ass stuff just so we can have waterworks scenes like this, right? Spectacular.

Most Over-Hyped, Misrepresented Moment in the Previews:

We can see that Cleo Michelle has a black eye in next week’s episode, and it’s implied that it was caused by one of the girls hauling off and finally hitting her. We know that the true story will be way less interesting though, and that if we really think she got hit we are falling victim to the producers ever-present editing skills that splice together scenes that probably really took place weeks apart, but that seems like cause and effect in a 30-second preview.

“Are Your True Colors Starting to Come Out?” Award:

In the closing credits, Brad and Emily are back in the fake barn roasting marshmallows. Brad starts them off and Emily could not look any more bored. She seriously looks like she’s about to conk out. Then she starts to roast one, Brad compliments her on her roasting skills, he asks her how she learned to do it so well, and she answers that she’s a mom and that’s what moms do. Awww…all sweet and sacharrine and “She’s perfect for Brad! He’d better choose HER!”

Then the mood shifts as she accidentally knocks a marshmallow onto the ground and has to be bleeped as she shouts, “Sh**!” She tries to backtrack and tell us, “I meant shoot…crap…” but the damage is done. Porcelain doll has a mouth on her. Hope we get to hear more of it later on!

You know the drill at the end here. I say thanks for reading this far. Then I implore you to leave comments and come over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose so you can keep updated. But you already knew all that, right?

See you next week for Michelle’s black eye!

30th Birthdays and Body Casts Always Bring Me Down...

Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Well, if there had been any doubt that this season of The Bachelor was going to be dull and uneventful, all of that was put to rest last night, right? The claws came out sooner than ever as several of the young lovelies showed their true crazy colors. Some of them paid the ultimate Bachelor price, while others sailed through to see another day in the mansion. Let’s get to all of the action…

Best Lines to Use for Drinking Games Last Night (AKA “Oh My GOD…Will You STOP Saying That?”)

This one is a tie. If it weren’t annoying enough that Brad had to repeat endlessly over and over that it was all getting “real”, then we get Michelle spouting endlessly over and over that today is her…sniff sniff…30^th birthday. Those of you toasting at either of those lines most certainly had passed out before the closing credits rolled.

OK, Brad. This is “real”? What exact part of this whole experience for you is real? The cameras following you around? The fact that this show has writers to tell you all what to say? Or the fact that a third party has chosen all of these hot women (well, most of ‘em are hot anyway…) to fall all over themselves hoping to get naked with you? What part of any of that is real? And what makes it all more real now than the first time we watched you do all of this before?

And Michelle. Alas, poor Michelle. She could be at home partying with her friends and apparently bedding any guy she wants. But no…poor Michelle has to spend HER 30^th birthday (did you hear it was her 30^th birthday, by the way?) sharing her guy with a bunch of other girls who aren’t worthy. Woe is you, Michelle. You chose to be on the show. You knew it was taping during your birthday. You knew you’d be competing with a ton of other ladies who we would like better than we like you. Get a grip.

By the way, what does one buy for a bachelorette like Michelle on her 30^th birthday? An iTunes gift card? A candle? Big, dangly earrings? Or perhaps a membership in the Antibiotic of the Month Club? Yeah, I went there. Try and stop me.

Fashion Choice About Which I Am Most on the Fence

I’m not sure what to make of the dress that Ashley H., the dentist, wore on the carnival date. My first impression of it was a yellow present meets a disco ball. It was all weird and too much. But then the more I watched it, the more I liked it. Yes it looked too young and cutesy on a professional woman, but maybe that’s how she lets loose? I dunno. Thoughts? This one has me stumped. There’s a Taylor Swift joke in here somewhere and I just can’t get it out.

Most Popular “Toldja SO!” Fashion Choice:

As I mentioned last week, gigantic, body-encompassing jewelry seems to be the newest trend these days for sweet young things looking to bag a bachelor. Some of the pieces last night were so over the top as to be laughable. How about those earrings “It’s my 30^th birthday!” Michelle had on? The ones that looked like three gigantoid clam shells dangling from each lobe? Or that huge aquamarine-colored necklace she had on during the video shoot? The one with all of those huge stones going in all sorts of wacky directions? CRAZY huge!

Or how about those gigantic Stevie Nicks-inspired peacock feather earrings that Kickin’ Keltie was rockin’ at the final cocktail party? How many peacocks aren’t gettin’ any tonight because they had to sacrifice their sex attractors for Keltie’s earlobes?

And huge rings that looked like they covered entire hands seemed to be all the rage last night too. Are the ladies wearing these to attract Brad’s attention to the fact that he needs to put a ring on their finger? Most of them look like spiders. I keep freaking out that tarantulas have invaded the set. Whatever the case, I called this fashion trend last week, and it hasn’t disappointed yet.

Weirdest Date of the Night

Hands down this would be the carnival date. Not only does it start off all “Thriller”-y with Brad driving them down a deserted mountain road in the pitch black with creepy music playing (weren’t you just waiting for Vincent Price to start rapping while zombies started pulling themselves out of the bushes?), but then it ends up at a carnival – yes a CARNIVAL! I guess this is sort of a cute idea, but you gotta think that Ashley H. was the teensiest bit bummed watching the episode back last night and realizing where Brad took her versus where he took Jackie/Pretty Woman later on.

I think Ashley H. was also pretty bummed that she had to wear that dress on all of the spinny rides. Dresses like that don’t exactly scream “A Day at the Fair”, and she couldn’t have been comfortable. Also, when I go to places with spinny rides where people walk around with big glasses of white wine and have quiet conversation, we tend to call those Art and Wine festivals, not carnivals. But I guess I’m splitting hairs here.

Brad and Ashley H. do make out a lot, which is probably saying a lot for a dentist since she probably sees firsthand all the creepy-crawlies that we pass back and forth when we kiss. They even made out on the Ferris wheel, which I think is dangerous. If one of them is prone to motion sickness spinning around and around, the results could be catastrophic while lips are locked.

It’s a good sign that both Brad and the dentist have dads who had addiction issues and were absent. This bonds them together big time. It’s also a good sign that he wants to call her “Ash”. Nicknames on the first date are key, right?

I think it’s a bad sign, though, that in his interviews Brad kept calling her “this girl” and never used her actual name once. Maybe he accidentally spilled some white wine on his hand where he wrote her name so he wouldn’t forget it? Just a guess.

Biggest Let-Down of the Night:

OK, producers. How can you spend an entire episode last week showing us how weird Vampire Madison is, make sure she goes on the date where they are filming a public service announcement for BLOOD, and then NOT make her the focus of the entire segment? Talk about your missed opportunity! Um, did you not notice that this girl has FANGS?! Like real ones surgically implanted in her MOUTH?! And instead you chose to focus on loony Michelle kvetching and whining about her BIRTHDAY?! I’m at a loss.

This whole date was just bad from the start. Michelle was already PMS’ing before they left the house (“People are gonna piss me off today. I know it.”) And then of course you have Alli (Um…I’d like to buy an “E” please, Pat?) and Britt, who are both playing the role of sweet, young virgin who is getting all nervous at the prospect of having to kiss on the first date in front of the other girls and the cameras.

And then there’s Melissa.  Ah, poor, dear Melissa. She’s the blonde with long, straight hair who kinda looks like Gwyneth Paltrow’s older, hardened sister who just got out of jail for cutting someone. She repeats incessantly that if she doesn’t get any one-on-one time with Brad tonight, that she’s definitely going home, and we seasoned professionals know that of course she will get that alone time but be dumped anyway. The set-ups on this show are just perfect that way, aren’t they?

Funniest Moment of the Show:

This moment belongs hands-down to poor Keltie, our high-kickin’, rocker chickin’, panty-flashin’ good time gal from last week. This week, poor Keltie has to don all sorts of casts and body braces for the PSA as if she’s been in an accident. She unrecognizable (and unintelligible) as she tries to act her way through the scene and mumble her lines. This was most certainly a set-up too. How else could you explain the one girl who high kicks the most having to be permanently immobilized for this entire segment? I laughed HARD at her the whole way through, but she took it like a trooper.

“From Lady to Tramp” Award:

There’s no contest here as Britt, our resident food writer, changes from cutesy, doe-eyed, virginal perfection to a man-mouth sucking, writhing, moaning sack of sequins and flesh as she goes in for a kiss with Brad on the bed during her scene. She’s actually so slutty here that she horrifies Raichel (Um…I’d like to sell an “I” please, Pat…) and Michelle. So you know it’s full bore slut, right? For someone who was initially feeling iffy about a first kiss so soon, Miss Britt certainly had all of her ducks in a row once the cameras starting rolling, no?

Honorable Mention for this category goes to Gwyneth’s older sister Melissa who, while she is watching two girls retake the same kissing scene with Brad over and over and over, ends up jumping on to the set uninvited and making out with Brad herself to show the other ladies how it’s done. Very classy, Melissa. If you add that little stunt to the 14,000 interviews we’ve had of you this episode saying how if you don’t get alone time with Brad you’re history, I’d say your chances of staying are about as high as Michelle’s chances of having a happy 30^th birthday.

Worst Video Ever Made on The Bachelor:

This one has to go to the supposed Red Cross PSA they were taping last night. I can’t find the “real” version of it anywhere on the Internet today. Does it not really exist? GASP! You mean it was only created to add to the content of the TV show and not to really help out the Red Cross? Or was it just so laughably bad that it is still sitting on the cutting room floor somewhere at ABC? We saw a short segment of it as we went to commercial at one point, but where’s the whole thing? I want to laugh at Keltie more.

Most “Calm Before the Storm” Moment:

At the “after party” for the video shoot, Brad tells us in a voiceover how excited he is to get away from all of the drama that happened at the shoot. As he huddles with the girls on top of the Roosevelt Hotel, he reminds them, “No drama, right?” This, of course, is Bachelor-talk for, “Let the catty games begin!” as we know all hell is about to break loose between the girls. “Ladies…start your engines!”

As Brad starts his alone time with some of the girls, Melissa Paltrow and Raichel Manscaper decide to get into it. I’m not one to choose sides in a situation like this (well, OK, I really AM one to choose sides in a situation like this…) but it certainly seemed like Raichel was the innocent here and Melissa was the aggressor. Melissa keeps throwing her age at Raichel as if being almost 32 makes her more mature or something, when what it’s really doing is reminding Brad he only likes girls who are under 25.

And then the pot is further stirred as 30^th Birthday Michelle receives the coveted rose on this date while the other girls lounge awkwardly around the pool and secretly are jealous of her huge jewelry. With gusto, Michelle shakes the rose between her teeth like a skanky flamenco dancer.

Saddest Lost Body Part(s):

This obviously goes to 30^th-Birthday Michelle’s eyebrows. Those things were probably completely plucked out well before her 20^th birthday and have instead been replaced with deep, dark, thick eyebrow pencil. This effect is not at all flattering on her and makes our attention go right there the whole time.

Most Awkward “You Think I’m a WHAT?!” Award:

Poor Jackie the artist. Last week she popped out of the limo all canary yellow and Idina Menzel-jawed. The producers hinted that she would emerge as one of the crazies of the show. This week they set her up on a “Dream Date” with Brad based on the movie Pretty Woman. You know…the movie where Richard Gere whisks Julia Roberts out of the hooker’s life to fall in love and live the rich life. Wait…did he just say HOOKER?! Yup. Seems like the producers and Brad think ol’ Jackie’s been turning tricks down on the boulevard and needs some savin’ by Prince Brad.

Alas for poor Jackie, despite the Beverly Hills designer dresses, the diamonds, the fancy car, and all the Richie Rich life, Brad just sees her basically as a hooker. That’s gotta suck, huh Jackie?

Jackie kinda lives up to this role in her selection of gowns too. Brad takes her to a hotel room filled with gorgeous designer dresses. I’m not even a cross-dresser and even I was swooning a bit at that bright pink number. She gets to choose any dress in the room! ANY ONE! Yet when she shows up in the next scene she has on a boring, grayish, wrappy dress that even though it is covered in sparkles manages to reflect no light whatsoever. Where’s the canary-lovin’ Jackie from last week? How could she make such a bad fashion choice when she had so many amazing gowns to choose from? Back to the boulevard with you, Julia…

Biggest Hint That You Will Not Last the Show Even Though Brad Is Giving You a Rose Now:

As Brad gives Jackie the rose at the end of their date he tells her, “I’m willing to hang in there. Do you wanna give this thing a shot?” Kiss of death. Mark my words.

Saddest Musical Act of the Episode:

(NOTE: I almost titled this “Saddest Musical Act of the Season”, but then noticed on the previews that Seal is making an appearance next week sans Heidi Klum. Stay tuned.)

So Brad whisks his lady of the evening to the Hollywood Bowl and they eat dinner on stage and of course the stage starts spinning and there is Train singing a single from their new album. It’s always just so embarrassingly bad when they roll out the bands on this show. How awkward was it for Train to have to play a set in front of these two dorks mooning for the camera ten feet in front of them? I love Train on the radio, but I have never heard the lead singer sound good live, and this was no exception. And what was up with no Hey Soul Sister? I cry foul! Of course, we had to listen to their new single Marry Me instead. Get it? Because this is all like The Bachelor where people get married ‘n’ stuff?

Biggest Set-Up for the Girl We Will Root For All Season:

This goes to Emily. Not only is she gorgeous and porcelain doll perfect, but she also last week revealed her sad story about her husband dying in a plane crash right before she found out she was pregnant. She already had all of America on her side from there. But last night we also got scenes of her calling her daughter at home and both of them getting all weepy. If there’s anyone watching this season who’s not rootin’ for this girl, then you don’t have a heart. And my guess is that if she ends up losing, she will be the next Bachelorette, so she’s got a win/win lined up wither way.

First Catfight of the Season:

During the final cocktail party Raichel Manscaper’s boobs and Gwyneth Melissa’s strident neck go at it some more, picking right up where they left off at the after party. Again, Melissa seems to be such a jerk here, taunting Raichel with such gems as, “I don’t have to shut up or move. You can!” The back and forth reduces both to tears. In typical Bachelor fashion, we still don’t really know why these two hate each other so much, but we’ve already chosen sides, popped the popcorn, and are settling in for a good ol’ fashioned Bachelor brawl.

Melissa sits down with Brad and starts going all Sarah Palin rogue on him about how she’s the “targeted girl” this season. You can practically see the warning lights going off all around Brad’s head as he tries to pretend to console her.

While this is going on, Raichel is crying in the other room and saying that Melissa is a “toxic disease to me in this journey!” Brad tracks her down in the hallway and tries to hear out her side. I actually feel bad for her. She let Melissa get under her skin, and it made her much less likable. Brad sees this too. You can practically see the wind blowing out of his sails the more she hugs him and sobs. These two are making tonight’s cut easier and easier!

“Make New Friends, but Keep the Old” Award:

This goes to Ali and Roberto, as they shuffle out awkwardly to help their “old friend” Brad by interviewing all of the women. They are tasked with seeing which they think he should give a special rose to before the ceremony. Both of them didn’t look as neat and polished as they did during their own season. Ro-bair-toe’s hair was going for the cool messed-up look but it just ended up looking like bad bedhead. And Ali proved that she still cannot pull off fancy clothes and looking comfortable at the same time.  They both looked a bit puffier, which I take as a good sign that they are foregoing their normal diet and exercise routines because they are too busy being in love. I actually hope they are happy. They both seem like nice people.

Ali and Roberto of course think that Porcelain Doll Emily is the best choice, so Brad chooses her to receive the special rose while all the other girls shoot daggers at Ali and Roberto.

The Rose Ceremony Wrap-Up:

Not too many surprises here. Chantal O. is happy to be first this time since Brad called her name last in the previous episode and apparently almost caused her to have a coronary. Several women received roses and I honestly have no idea who they are (Stacey? Lisa? Are they even ON this show?) “Was-A-Virgin-Now-Is-Power-Sucker-Kisser” Britt gets the final rose of the group, and Brad asks that she make sure that she work those power lips of hers on other parts of his body since he decided to keep her around for another week.

Not too many surprises about who gets dumped. Both of the catty drama queens at the cocktail party are history. I still think Brad is dumb as a stump in real life, but he seemed to make a good choice here. With Melissa, he needs someone less harsh and strident and someone who doesn’t stick her neck and lips out like a wild animal about to explode. With Raichel, he needs someone who doesn’t get so upset so easily by petty people and who doesn’t pull pubic hair out of men’s undercarriages with hot wax and whose boobs aren’t the only things you look at as she takes the Walk of Shame out of the mansion.

The sorta-surprise of the night was Brad letting go of Kickin’ Keltie. Does he have a bias against disabled women and her braces and casts at the video shoot were a turn-off? She didn’t flash her panties once this episode, so that may have played against her too. I guess we’ll never know. We do get the saddest exit interview ever as she tells us that she was meant to be alone and that she is the worst dater ever. She says she’s tried every dating avenue possible and none have worked and that this was her last ditch effort. She says she’s going to stick to kicking since it’s much easier, and I say, “Amen!” Over the credits Keltie goes out with a bang as she does a rap in the backyard describing all of the girls sitting around her. We’ll miss your spark, Keltie!

So that about wraps it up for this week. Thanks, as always for reading this far. Feel free to leave comments below, although I know none of you ever do. I can still see your hits on my map though, so I kow you’re out there whether you respond or not! J And don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook for more fun stuff too!

Catch you next week…