Well, it’s a wrap. Jake chose Vienna, the world gasped for a bit, got over it, and moved on. It’s been fun recapping the episodes here each week, and I hope you’ve enjoyed following along.
I figured since I got so much positive feedback from last week’s recap, that I’d keep the same format. So, without further ado, I present to you:
The Best and Worst of the Bachelor Finale
Best Line to Play a Drinking Game To:
“This is the hardest decision I’ll ever have to make!” I counted at least five times that Jake said this throughout the three hours. That would have been plenty of time to get your frat bro plastered. Man Code! Man Code!
Most “Hit You Over the Head” Metaphor on the Show:
Jake saying that the right woman is going to “reveal herself” just as we get a shot of Vienna walking along the beach and unwrapping a sarong from around her waist, and…wait for it…"revealing herself" on national TV. Get it? Do ya? Those producers are SO all about the double entendres, no?
Best Celeb Look-Alikes:
TIE:
Jake’s sister, who looked like a love child spawned by Maggie Gyllenhaal and Drew Barrymore
AND
Jeffrey Osbourne singing at the end of the show, who looked like a love child spawned from Lou Gossett, Jr. and Montel Williams.
AND
Neil Lang, the guy in charge of the rings, who looked like Corbin Bernsen’s younger brother.
Worst “Throw Your Girlfriend Under the Bus” Moment:
Jake telling his family that Vienna was the girl that everyone hated in the house. Way to create a nice first impression of your girlfriend, Jake. What mother wouldn’t love a woman who all other women can’t stand? I’m sure Vienna loved watching that tape back last night, huh?
Biggest "Oh My God! How is She Even Carrying That?!" Moment:
The bouquet that Tenley brought for Jake’s mom. It was bigger than she was! I think the rainforests in St. Lucia are a bit more barren now after they cleared out the flowers and greenery for that bouquet.
Most Bummed-Out Member of Jake’s Family:
Jake's brother Jason, who clearly scored nothing in the looks department compared to his two brothers.
Biggest “Oh My God Please Just Shoot Me Now and Make This Misery End” Moment(s):
TIE
Tenley’s nervous giggles and laughs throughout her entire time hanging out with Jake’s family. It was cute and endearing the first couple of times, annoying the next twenty times, and downright criminal for the rest of the show. Can you imagine having to listen to that over and over and over for LIFE? Jake made a great choice.
AND
Tenley yet again weeping and crying over the story of her ex as she now relates it to Jake’s mother – probably the only woman on the planet who has not yet heard the sad details. Enough already, Tenley!
Most Awkward Start to a “Meet the Parents” Date:
Jake’s family’s reaction to Vienna during the first half of their time together. Jake’s family is cold and distant to Vienna, and she doesn’t help matters at all by being too forward and cheeky right off the bat. Jake’s family eats breakfast mostly in silence while to the camera and behind Vienna's back that Vienna has no class. Jake’s sister-in-law especially looks concerned and upset. All the while we get several shots of Jake always bringing some sort of glass up to his lips, presumably so he doesn’t have to say anything.
Best “Back at You, B*tch!” Moment:
Vienna telling Jake’s sister-in-law that she always tells it like it is and then answering, “Yeah, kinda!” to the sister-in-law’s question of, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Score one for Vienna there.
Weirdest Parental Concern of the Evening:
I’m all for family unity, but it was very staged-feeling that Jake’s mom kept emphasizing how important it is for her that all of the sisters-in-law get along in her family. This felt like a set-up for us to think that Vienna wasn’t going to win since the family already knew that all the women hated her. This was Mom’s biggest concern? Really?
Weirdest Moment that Included Former Contestants:
An ad for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition that showed Ed on a cell phone while Jillian was crushing the hell out of a window with a sledgehammer. Truly scary, yet oddly entertaining.
Worst Place to Bring a Date Just Before You’re About to Decide to Keep or Dump Her:
Sulfur hot springs. Nothing says, “I want you!” more than taking your lady to a place that smells like a cross between a Porta-Potty after a chili cook-off and a six-month-old basket of Easter eggs left out in the sun. Nothing says, “Be mine forever!” like writing “I Love You” with stinky mud on your boyfriend’s nipples. And nothing says, “You complete me!” like gratuitous mud-wrestling shots in skimpy swimwear.
Most Disgusting Kiss of the Night:
Jake and Vienna kissing after she has given him her promise ring and accompanying note. Both of them had enough food in their mouths that their cheeks were both bulging out slightly. Ew.
Smoothest Move Guaranteed to Get You Laid:
Making your boyfriend walk over and sit on your bed BEFORE you give him a romantic card and your promise ring, thus guaranteeing that he will HAVE to kiss you, which leads to making out and hands everywhere, which leads to “bow-chicka-bow-wow”. Vienna scores again (in more ways than one…)
Biggest “Oh Sh*t!” Moment of the Night:
TIE
Tenley realizing that after all of the work she has done on her hair for her date with Jake (there was not one ringlet out of place!), that the whole ‘do will be ruined since he’s taking her snorkeling.
AND
Tenley realizing on the boat that it’s taking Jake longer to “build up heat” in their relationship than it’s taking her. The writing was on the wall for her from this moment on.
Most “Bermuda Triangle” Moment of the Night:
Seeing that the boat Tenley and Jake share is registered in Scottsdale, Arizona. What?! Scottsdale?! How did it get to St. Lucia? When I was in Scottsdale, it was pretty landlocked there. The show couldn’t get a boat that was from a closer locale, like, say. St. Lucia? I wonder how much it cost to get that boat there? Probably as much as it cost to get Tenley’s hair looking all perfect before she jumped in the ocean and ruined it all in less than a second.
Most Pathetic Gift Ever Given on The Bachelor:
Tenley’s collage of souvenirs and memorabilia that she gives to Jake. It had their “Kiss Me!” fortunes, some random shells that I guess were supposed to represent the bad table décor a couple of episodes back, and some bad photos at jaunty angles. All in all just really sad and pathetic and nothing at all like Vienna’s promise ring/bed of “bow-chicka-bow-wow” plan. What made it even sadder was to see her wrist barely able to hold up the bulky thing while Jake kissed her. She didn’t know what to do with it, but couldn’t put it down since it would have meant breaking that lip-lock with Jake. Poor Tenley.
Best Gratuitous Shirtless Shots of Jake:
The montage of him in his pajama bottoms and no shirt lounging around various locales at the hotel and gazing forlornly out to sea and staring deeply into his private infinity pool. Jake’s definitely workin’ the hot bod, so I’m not complaining at all. Bring on the beefcake! But this just seemed so staged.
Accessory I Just Don’t Get at All:
How women’s earrings have just become so over-the-top huge. As they are getting ready for the final decision, both Vienna and Tenley have gigantic hanging earrings on that look like they are about to rip their lobes wide open. Why do they have to be so big? Tenley’s actually touched her shoulders at times. Someone please explain it to me. I guess it’s supposed to fashionable, but I just think it just looks dumb.
Winner for the Prettiest Dress of the Night:
At first I worried that she looked a little too Mariah Carey circa 1990, but I came to really like Tenley’s dress during her dumping. It was elegant, flowy, and the perfect color for her. It made her look regal and more mature than her giggles and titters (“Heh heh heh..he said titters!”) would lead you to believe. Unfortunately, all of this is ruined by…
Worst “I’m Trying Not to Break Down and Violently Sob on National TV Which Makes My Face Look Old and Haggard” Face:
Tenley, upon hearing the news that Jake has not chosen her after all. She immediately aged about 20 years and became the least attractive person on the show. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that she’s upset and emotional. But we’ve had ladies on here bawling their eyes out and still looking stunning while doing it. Tenley definitely did not fall into that category.
Funniest Disappearing Traffic Jam on St. Lucia:
The line of cars that is visible behind Tenley’s SUV during her exit interview in the back seat. She is crying her eyes out and sad, but all we can watch is the four or five cars that are stuck behind her on a narrow, winding road. They probably have polio vaccine for a small village or iMacs for the school Chris Harrison and Jake visited, but no…Tenley’s got to get through first no matter how slowly her car is moving. Then when we cut away and cut back, all the cars have magically disappeared. That’s Bachelor editing for ya, huh?
Most Useless Role Tonight:
Chris Harrison, standing out in the middle of the field/helipad and getting blown away by the force of the rotors and then escorting each lady to the top of the structure where Jake awaits. They couldn’t have just walked out the door we can all see right near where Jake is standing? How hard was it?
Best Product Placement of the Season:
The “Neil Lang” logo prominently displayed full screen as Jake flashes the engagement ring he is offering to Vienna. All of us who want to buy $40,000 engagement rings quickly jump online and order a bunch.
Worst Dressed on the After the Final Rose Show:
Tenley. Her dress looked like a different version of what Vienna was wearing when Jake proposed to her, except it had a mini skirt and was all saggy and baggy on top.
Most “I Didn’t Know Old Game Show Hosts’ Wardrobe Was Cool” Outfit:
Chris Harrison on the After the Final Rose show with his shirt and tie that were almost the same color. Um, Chris? Regis from Who Wants to be a Millionaire circa 2001 called and he wants his outfit back.
Biggest “Sucks to Be You!” Moment on the After the Final Rose Show:
Jake telling Tenley that “Vienna and I had that spark that you and I didn’t.” Ouch. And on national TV, too. Sucks to be you, Tenley.
Most “OK…We Get It. You Guys Are Happy and In Love and We Just All Need to Get Over It. It’s Just a Damned Faked Reality Show” Moment:
Jake and Vienna all cuddly and cute and in love. Good for them. They seem happy together, Vienna’s moving in with him in Dallas, and all is right with the world. Let’s just let them be happy until Jake’s test results for that bump on his wee-wee come back and Vienna’s sex tape from Spring Break 2002 gets released and she is sent packing back to Alligator Swamp, Florida. Why the hate, people? Where is the love? (I am SO Black-Eyed Peas today…)
Most Boring New Contestant on Dancing with the Stars
We just spent two months watching Jake find love on The Bachelor, and now we’ve got to watch him cut a rug for two more months on Dancing with the Stars? Ugh. And how many cut-aways will we get of Vienna sitting in the front row pretending like she doesn’t care that Edyta Sliwinska’s boobs are pressed up against the same nipples Vienna drew on in farty mud?
Happiest “Disappeared into Obscurity” Late 70’s/Early 80’s Musicians:
TIE
Chicago – They should be thankful for any airtime at all, even though they came off as creepy, old guys watching a couple making out.
AND
Jeffrey Osborne – I haven’t checked iTunes yet today, but I’m sure On the Wings of Love is rocketing skyward on the charts there. Expect some 16-year-old to cover it Green Day-style on American Idol later this season.
Biggest “No Sh*t, Sherlock!” Moment:
Ali getting announced as the new Bachelorette. Anyone who didn’t see this coming from a mile away either missed a lot of episodes or was too drunk from playing, “This is the hardest decision I’ll ever have to make!” drinking games.
So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed following along this season. Leave me some feedback (public or private) and let me know what you thought. What worked and what didn’t here?
As much as I say I won’t, I’ll probably be back during the summer as we watch 24 hot guys ravage Ali in their attempt to bed and wed her. Should be a ton of fun. Hope to see you back here! Until then, don't forget to join our group "After the Rose" on Facebook. Tell all your friends!
