Finale -- In More Ways Than One...

And so we come to the end of yet another season of The Bachelor. As this series goes, there wasn’t much notable about this season. It was pretty clear Emily was the frontrunner from the get-go. The spoiler sites all said Chantal would win, but Emily pulled it out in the end. We had our resident crazy who, it turns out, was only edited to look crazy (Michelle), we had our perky, sippy sorority girl who will be the next Bachelorette (Ashley), and we had the requisite girls who were made to look weird, but probably were really nice people in real life (Madison…”fangs” for the memories…)

And so on to the last roundup for the season…

Most Bummed Out Brother on the Planet:

I know this is shallow, but I’m just going to say it since this show brings out the shallow in all of us. Brad’s younger brother has to be supremely bummed that his older twin brothers got all of the smokin’ hot genes in the family and that he ended up looking like every other middle-aged guy from Texas. At least he seems like he can string together a cogent sentence most of the time, so I guess he split the difference with his brothers and got the intelligence gene.

After the family had filed in, my significant other turned and asked me where the father was. I reminded him that Brad had no contact with his father and that’s why he’s so screwed up. But my S.O. swore he had seen some older guy walk past. I thought for a second, and yep…you guessed it. It was Brad’s YOUNGER brother. Poor guy.

Wow, I thought Brad was empirically hot, but after this episode, I think his twin is even hotter. Kind of a mix between the lead singer of Maroon 5 and Jesse from Ali’s Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad last summer. Hot!

Worst Mother of the Year Award:

So they haul Brad’s family halfway around the world to meet the two girls he’s deciding between. Brad apparently hasn’t seen his family in weeks (months?) They knock on the door of his exclusive South African villa and Brad erupts into sobs and tears at the sight of them. He hugs each one hello and holds onto them each tightly as they walk in. He’s overwhelmed with emotion. As soon as they are all inside, they sit down, but Brad says he needs a minute to collect himself. We see him continue to weep and try to regain his composure.

Cut to a shot of his mom, perched on the edge of some cushy chair holding her big glass of white wine, totally oblivious to the fact that her son needs a hug. Um, hello, Mom? Your son is blubbering away in the other room! Don’t you think you should get up and make sure he’s OK? Don’t you want to throw your arms around his neck and tell him it will all be OK because now Mama is here? What is this woman’s problem that she just sits there stoically and doesn’t go over to comfort his son? This whole family is just odd from the get-go.

Wish I Could Take Back That Last Question I just Asked Award:

Not only does Brad’s younger brother have to be bummed about getting shafted in the looks department, but he also goes a step further and asks Emily about how Little Ricki’s dad will feel if they move to Austin to be with Brad. Cue ominous music and awkward glances between Em and Brad. Sure, this question was probably a plant by the producers (“OK less attractive brother…when we yell, ‘Action!’ you ask Emily about Ricki’s dad, m’k?”), but it did make for one of those truly awkward scenes that only The Bachelor knows how to achieve.

Questionable Wardrobe Choice of the Evening Award:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to “Prima”, Brad’s sister-in-law. What was up with the black sparkly halter top? It was way more “heading out to the clubs in Hollywood” than “easy, breezy, hanging out on the patio in Cape Town pretending to be interested in my brother-in-law’s romantic life” chic.

2. OK, this is going to sound shallow again, but the second award goes to Brad’s mom, who opted for a plunging neckline that sank so low that all of the wrinkles of her cleavage were clearly on display in a wholly unappealing way.  They seemed to gather into one saggy hole right in between where her breasts used to be. That’s just nasty. C’mon, Mama. Hug your son and cover UP!

Worst Last Date Ever:

OK, seriously…it’s Brad’s last chance to share some romance with Chantal and he takes her swimming with SHARKS?! How bummed must Chantal have been? She hauls all the way to South Africa and ends up in a cage on a boat taking breaths and ducking under the water to check out huge sharks. Really, Brad and producers? This is the best you got for her? The two of them can barely talk for all of the gasping they have to do between viewings as they try to come up for air. Poor thing. I guess the writing was on the wall from that point on, huh?

Name We Least Expected to Hear Again on This Show:

During the nighttime part of his date with Chantal, we clearly hear Brad calling after her, “Channy! Channy! Channy!” (OK…his pronunciation made it sound more like “Shanny”, but still. Roll with me here…)

Fans of this blog may remember Channy from Jake’s season, right? Back in the days when this show would throw in one girl of color just to satisfy all of the naysayers, even though you know that girl had no way in hell of winning?

So along came Channy who started going off in Thai to Jake and then invited him to check out her landing strip or something. Which of course got turned into a double entendre and we all laughed since she didn’t understand the idiom in English.

She’s baaaaaack….!

Most Obvious Lesson Not Learned from Previous Seasons:

I say this every season, but if you are one of the finalists on this show, please, for all that is sacred and holy…please do not EVER make a present for the person who is choosing between you and someone else. Can we flash back to Jake’s season when it was down to Tenley and Vienna? Which one of them made him a lame memory box with dead sea creatures hot-glued to it? Who welled up with pride as Jake chuckled internally and then outwardly pretended to love it? Yes, it was Miss Tenley, that chirpy, perky, “my god, did she just DANCE for him?!” girl who was ultimately dumped in the end.

Chantal, sweetie. Did you learn nothing from all of that sadness? You had to go ahead and make a map of all of the places where you and Brad have been and then roll it up into a bottle? Really? A bottle? How is that helping you in any way?

Chantal takes the sad map one step further and includes a handwritten note professing her undying love for Brad. Sure, this must be nice to get, but wow…awkward. No guy wants to read all that mushy stuff with the girl who wrote it sitting right there hovering over him. Sigh…Strike Two for Chantal.

Worst Attempt at Pretending to Be Geographically Knowledgeable:

Brad tells Emily how excited he is to take her on their date to The Cape of Good Hope. He tells her it’s a “must see” like he’s been there tons of times and flies in on a helicopter regularly. I call BS. I am willing to bet he had no idea where in the world The Cape of Good Hope was, much less WHAT in the world The Cape of Good Hope was, before this show started shooting. No clue at all.

“Uh…Cape of Good Hope? Is that what Superman wore?”

Windiest Date Ever:

This has to be Brad and Emily’s time on the aforementioned Cape of Good Hope. If she reached up to push her hair out of her face one more time, I was going to lose it. Why did the producers even set this up? Why didn’t they at least warn her to put her hair back in a ponytail? There is nothing romantic about being buttressed from all sides by a driving wind that messes up your hair and makes you not be able to even hear the other person. This was ill-conceived in all ways.

Most Overused Line of the Night:

There’s one every week. This week’s award goes to Emily, who keeps drilling it into Brad that he doesn’t understand what he’s getting into with all of a sudden becoming a dad. Could she have poured it on any thicker? “It’s not always fun…” over and over and over.

It’s like she wanted to make sure to really drive Brad away before he committed to anything. Could she have been more negative? According to Emily, it’s not all fun and games being a parent. There are late night ear infections, temper tantrums, and much, much more to scare Brad away. By the time she was done, even I thought that Little Ricki was The Bad Seed or that girl from Firestarter or something and that Brad had better run for the hills before Little Ricki appears hovering over his bed in the middle of the night with a meat cleaver poised over his throat.

Gee, Emily. Being a mom seems really tough. Let’s see. You get to live in a giant house with all of the toys and comforts a kid could need. You get to leave her for a month or two while you go gallivanting around the globe for some reality TV show, and you end up with a new daddy for her in the end so you’re not doing all of the work yourself. When you look at it that way, it’s not so bad being a parent, huh?

(And by the way, I forgot to mention it last week, but why were all of the girls getting on Michelle’s case for leaving her daughter, but not one person called Emily out for the same thing? At least Michelle didn’t spread her daughter’s face all over the world’s TV screens. Why the double-standard that Michelle was a horrible mother for leaving her daughter to do the show, but not Emily? Discuss.)

Journals I Wish I Could Read the Most:

In the montage leading up to Brad’s big decision, we get interviews with both girls as they pose around the resort where they’re staying. There’s Emily lounging gracefully by the pool reading. Now there she is leaning pensively against a railing. Oh! Look! There’s Chantal throwing open the curtains in an obvious reference to new beginnings since her big ending is about to come later on tonight.

But the shots that made me laugh out loud were the ones where we saw both girls furtively writing in journals. What possible thoughts could they have that would have been so important to immortalize on paper?

Chantal: “Dear Diary. South Africa is really cool, but it’s super shark-infested. I hope Brad picks me. I gave it up to him in a treehouse, so he kinda owes it to me. I liked his family. His twin brother and that old guy kept staring at my boobs, but I don’t care. I wonder how much longer the producers are going to be taping me pretending to write something deep here? Well, that’s all for now. Love, Chantal.”

Emily: “Dear Diary. WOW!!! South Africa is SO WINDY!!! Brad and me went on a date this afternoon to a place called a cape and I couldn’t even hear him talk cuz it was so windy. Yikes! If we get married that lady with the wrinkly boob cleavage will be my mother-in-law. I can’t imagine having to stare at that all through Thanksgiving dinner. Oh well. I miss Little Ricki, but it’s super cool being able to leave her and go anywhere I want. Being a parent is so HARD! Brad doesn’t even KNOW!”

Biggest Sign You Know Chantal Will Not Get the Rose Tonight:

Um, Chantal? That’s a real purty party dress you got on there for your last rose ceremony with Brad, but I think a big, black crow crashed into your shoulder and died there. You might want to get it off before you go out to meet Brad, OK? Wait, what? Those weird costume-y feathers are SUPPOSED to be there? Ohhhh…yeah. Heh heh heh…my bad…

Strike Three, and she’s out…

Most Obvious Reference to A Current Film:

For the final rose ceremonies Emily is all blonde hair and beautiful and white Grecian goddess dress and Chantal is all dark makeup and black dead crow dress with feathers on it. Maybe that’s a black swan Chantal has glued to her shoulder?

Coolest Ad of the Evening:

Those of you who know me personally know my brother is an actor down in LA. He’s in a new commercial that’s airing EVERYWHERE these days where he and his family come home to find their house robbed. The thieves took everything except the crappy computer, so he and his wife go to buy another one.

Well, when this ad flew by as I was fast-forwarding the DVR, I had to rewind and watch it all the way through again. Good on ya, Chris! You have achieved superstar status at our house by appearing on The Bachelor (sorta)…

Weirdest Hair Color:

As Brad is about to break the bad news to Chantal that she’s getting the ol’ heave-ho, the camera keeps cutting back and forth between a close up on her face and then a shot of Brad taken over her shoulder. From head on, Chantal clearly has very dark hair to go with her whole death-rocker “I kill birds!” look. But from the back, her hair all of a sudden has an auburn/reddish sheen to it. What gives? Bad dye job? Stand-in who wasn’t really Chantal so they could let Brad re-tape his scenes after Chantal had officially left? Enquiring minds wanna know…

Classiest Dumped Girl:

This goes to Chantal, who seemed legitimately shocked that Brad hadn’t chosen her.  She handled it all with class, though, even telling Brad that “Emily is really lucky.” Poor Chantal. It was kinda heartbreaking to see her reaction through all of that waterproof caked-on dark mascara. And if she hadn’t voluntarily signed up to do a reality dating show where she knew she might be publicly humiliated on national TV, I might feel a bit sorry for her.

But I do have to hand it to her. Her limo interview and reactions were all very well done. She came off as the graceful, heartbroken loser who can now go back to Seattle and live eight blocks away from her parents’ place Versailles. Well played, Chantal.

Least Emotional Winner of The Bachelor:

Um, Em? You just won The Bachelor. You just found the man of your dreams and a new daddy for Little Ricki. You have a HUGE diamond ring on your finger. Brad chose YOU. Can you maybe crack a real smile or enthuse even a little? Can you throw your arms up in the air or do a little dance or SOMETHING?

What a letdown. I always thought it was weird how all season Emily guarded her emotions, but this was just plain weird, and a sign of things to come later on in the evening…

Most Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Contestant:

OK, so during the After the Final Rose special, Chantal comes out first. And of course she’s all back to being curvy and hot again. She took so much crap for how much weight she put on during the course of the show, that you just know she spent the last four months dieting and exercising so she could look super hot when she met Brad again.

She starts off by weeping and crying having to relive the whole season with Chris Harrison again and how heartbroken she is about it all. Awww…poor thing.

But just as we are all ready to feel sorry for her all over again, we hear she has a new guy in her life (which the spoiler sites already had told us a while back). Wait, what? Why is this girl weeping over Brad when she apparently has some terrific guy waiting for her at home? How must this terrific guy be feeling about now to see his girlfriend weeping and gnashing her teeth that Brad never loved her? C’mon, Chantal. Are you heartbroken or over it? Choose one!

Weirdest Transformation:

Wow. I always thought Brad was kinda just dense and little dumb. But after watching him on the After the Final Rose special, I honestly think that Jake has taken over his body. In his interview with Chantal he came off as aloof and arrogant and evaded any question she gave him that was anywhere near controversial. She asked him a few times at what point he knew it wasn’t her and he tried everything he could to not answer that.

Then, as the night went on and Emily came out, he all of a sudden turned into Jake on the night he was being interviewed with Vienna after they broke up. Did you hear Emily say Brad has a temper? Did you see the look of fear in her eyes as she kept turning to him to make sure it was OK if she said certain things about him? What was up with that? Why does she need permission from him for anything? The whole relationship is just creepy to me now.

It so harkened back to hearing Vienna talk about Jake raging at her for no apparent reason and watching Jake just sit there and smirk smugly like he knew better when we all knew Vienna was totally calling out his dirty laundry and that every word was true. Brad is a creep for sure.

Most Shocking Revelations:

Did you hear the faked gasps as Brad and Emily revealed that they have already broken up once? SHOCK! And that Emily wouldn’t move to Austin today if Brad asked her? SHOCK! Or that after the show would air Monday nights Brad would call Emily and he’d have to leave a message because she wouldn’t answer?

There is no way these two are gonna last. I’ll bet they are already split up even as I type this. They couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable together, but you know the producers wanted their happy ending, and so poor Brad and Em had to pretend to like each other. How unhappy did she look the whole time he had his arm around her? How stone-cold, emotionally dead could she have seemed? Not looking good, folks…

What Show Am I Watching? Award:

So we’re in the midst of a pretty ho-hum After the Final Rose special and all of a sudden the producers trot out three past couples who all have gone on to happy, fulfilling relationships. How much did that whole segment feel like an episode of Intervention? It was like the producers already knew the writing is on the wall for Brad and Emily, and so they sent in the big Bachelor guns to try to help smooth things over.  “Maybe if we bring in couples who say they are in love, Brad and Emily will be in love too even though we don’t really care about them that much…”

“Hey guys! It’s tough to be on this show. Everyone picks you apart and tries to tear you down, but you gotta be stronger than that!” That was the general message from the couples there. But if Brad and Emily have already broken up once, I don’t think any amount of Ali and Trista’s faux perkiness or Molly’s “above-it-all”-ness or Ryan’s bad Dr. Spock haircut is going to save this relationship. Even Brad giving Emily back her ring resized (the show couldn’t have it in her size back in South Africa? Why not?) screams “trying too hard”, and so what could have been a happy ending to this season actually feels kind of depressing and hopeless.

And so with that, we are through with another season. I’ve had fun over the past few couple of years writing these blogs, but I think this will be my final one. When I started this, I was hoping for a more interactive experience where people could comment and we could discuss. I can see from the numbers on my site that there are hundreds of people checking this out every week, but no one ever leaves comments here. A few of you are great and comment on the After the Rose Facebook page (shout-out to you, Marilyn! I don’t even know you personally, but thank you!)

So I’ll make a deal with you guys. If I can get ten comments on this blog from ten different people OR I can get 50 people who like the After the Rose Facebook page, I’ll do these blogs again for Ashley’s season. If not, then I will go quietly off into the Bachelor sunset and leave the blogging to the guys with the spoilers.

Either way, thanks for reading what you have and thanks especially to those who have posted comments and made this show fun to watch! Even if I’m not blogging about it in May, rest assured that I will be tuned in for Not-A-Dentist Ashley’s season.

Catch you later!

The Women Tell All!

The spoiler sites have been abuzz with incorrect information and speculation, the supermarket tabloids have Emily, Chantal, and Brad spread all over with all sorts of unflattering photos and headlines, so you know we’re gettin’ down to it now. Only one more episode to go. The Women Tell All is usually my favorite episode of the season. It’s fun to see how they have all changed their looks, changed their stories, and changed their attitudes.

Let’s get to it…

Most Shocking Statistic:

Was I the only one blown away by the fact that there are 500 (yes FIVE HUNDRED) former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants from this show? Apparently they all have this little incestuous “in crowd” where they go to cool parties in dark, upscale bars in LA and New York and all sleep with each other and let their tongues hang out down each others’ throats (how gross was THAT shot?)

Of course, the real reason we got to witness all of these shenanigans is so that we could preview the new cast for Bachelor Pad 2 (Electric Boogaloo) this summer. I haven’t been reading the spoiler sites yet about that show, but I’m going to guess Vienna and Rozlyn are gonna figure importantly in the drama since we saw them smirking and getting lots of face time with the camera, as will “Guard and protect her heart” Kasey (did anyone else notice that he was featured at both parties on both coasts? This guy’s soaking up his 15 minutes the best he knows how.)

They have already set up the backstory that Vienna is a backstabbing whore when we find out that she slept with her supposed best friend’s friend. GASP! Vienna slept with Wes! And last summer Gia told us that SHE likes Wes too! How could a best friend who only hangs out at wild sex parties when the show invites them to be together DO something like that?! I mean, where’s the loyalty?

The sex is played up at the gatherings and we get lots of people who have already hooked up, which means they will all feature prominently as well this summer. By that time, some will be full-blown dating couples while others will be pissed and hurt that one part of the couple has already slutted around with someone new. Should be entertaining.

Oh…and one more thing while we’re on the topic. I bet that Michelle makes it to the Bachelor Pad this summer too. With the editing job they did on her for this episode making her out to be the poor, pitiable victim, the bitch slot is now open for Vienna. Maybe Michelle will be cast as the creepy stalkery one? We shall see…

Last People We Expected to See at A Bachelor Swinger Reunion Party:

Um, Allie and Roberto? What are you guys doing in the same upscale, dark bar with all of those swingin’ singles? Aren’t blisters currently forming on your naughty bits just rubbing elbows with these guys? You found each other, you’re in love, you’re still cute. Run…run for the hills as fast as you can!

Most Shocking Bachelorette Transformation:

This of course goes to Not-A-Dentist Ashley who we see come out as a brunette now. With her weird make-up, she’s actually pretty unrecognizable as the chick who Brad dumped in South Africa. I’m not sure why the producers wanted such a drastic change in her, but she did it and how. She’s definitely lost her cute, perky edge and gotten more adult and matronly-looking with this new ‘do. She didn’t look much like a dentist before, but now we KNOW she’s ditching that profession for good.

Oh…and what was up with the gigantic caps on her two front teeth? How huge were they? How does a dentist have such distracting teeth?

Least Interesting Catfight of the Night:

Raichel versus Melissa…zzzzzz.

“Hi! I’m Raichel! I’m a manscaper and people like Melissa get under my skin! I’m going to sit here and roll my eyes and look away a lot in disgust since she gets to sit up with Chris and I am relegated here to the sidelines! I could have gotten a lot farther in the game if that blonde bitch up on stage right now hadn’t brought out all kinds of crazy in me!”

“And hi! I’m Melissa! My neck is very tendony and I always look like I’m trying to squeeze a lemon between my butt cheeks! Raichel just doesn’t understand me and we’ll agree to disagree on every point Chris brings up with us! I’m superior since I get to sit up on stage with Chris and since I don’t add an extra ‘I’ to my name, so I will cross my legs and bob the top one up and down nervously and bend my head to the side a lot whenever I want to pretend I don’t get what Raichel is talking about!”

‘Nuff said…”

Best Edit of the Night:

Hands down this goes to Michelle. This whole season the producers have made her out to be a horrible, mean person who badmouths the other girls and sees herself as superior to everyone else there. She’s conniving, she’s crafty, she threatens, she gives herself unexplained black eyes, she…wait…she cries when she’s talking about her daughter? She gets hurt feelings when some of the other girls won’t stop verbally abusing her and calling her names like “spider” and “creepy”?

After the trouncing Michelle got all season, she finally is redeemed. We actually start to like her as we hear lots of the girls who we like already sticking up for her and get to hear her side of it all. It’s not much of a shocker that the only reason we hated her was the editing. As I said earlier, I’ll bet this “feel sorry for me” treatment is so that Vienna can play the part of villainess on Bachelor Pad 2 this summer and Michelle can play some other role.

Most Overused Line of the Night:

I counted how many times Michelle told us, “I left my daughter!” and I got six. Anyone else? We get it Michelle. You chose to leave your daughter. No one forced you to do it. You decided that going out to Hollywood and wearing short skirts and tying up Brad in a hotel room was a better deal than hanging out with your kid. We get it. But you don’t need to go on and on about your own poor choices. It got tired after the second time.

Girl Who I’ve Changed My Opinion About the Most:

This has to be Jackie (the one who sorta kinda looks like Idina Menzel). On the show we liked her perky goofiness. On this episode, though, she can’t even see Michelle is having a producer-staged breakdown on stage. She has to keep running off her mouth seemingly oblivious to any emotion happening right in front of her. Bad move, Jackie. This is most likely the last anyone will see of you, and THAT’S the impression you want to leave us with?

Most Overdramatic Moment of the Night:

This would be Chris telling the producers to cut away to a commercial so Michelle can compose herself after she has supposedly lost it. “We’ll be right back so she can regroup,” he tells us in his best fake-solemn voice. “This is stupid,” you can hear a girl off-camera saying since they all know this whole waterworks acting job is a big fake.

My other half pointed out that he didn’t actually see any tears coming out of Michelle’s eyes during all of these sad, emotional scenes. While I didn’t pay any attention to that, I did notice that there were so many candles behind her that at one point the audience members sitting behind her were shimmering behind the heat waves coming up.

Girl Who Contradicted Herself the Best:

After the skanky bartender from Boston has just told Michelle that in her skanky bartender family they were raised to believe that children are more important than anything, the girls all start to gang up on Michelle for leaving her daughter. Michelle tells them all, “You have no right to question my mothering!” and she’s 100% right.

Jackie, who is losing more and more points as the episode wears on, quips back, “I would never make a comment about you being a mother!” and then without skipping a beat does exactly what she just said she would never do by adding, “You are the best mother EVER!”

Wait a sec here, Jackie. Didn’t you JUST say you would never make a comment about Michelle’s mothering skills? And then you just commented on her mothering skills. Strike three. I like Michelle more than Jackie now for sure.

Favorite Audience Members:

The producers always stack the audience with people who they can cut to for good close-ups of reaction shots. We always have the “go to” people we can count on for arched eyebrow holier-than-thou looks, the ones who can pull the perfect disgusted face when someone says something they totally disagree with, and the over-eager single ladies who think that if they over-emote and put on a good show, maybe they too will be plucked out of obscurity and thrust into the arms of a charming man whore.

Well last night we had all of those, but did you notice we also got a new subset? For Michelle’s entire interview and breakdown, they kept shooting to two older women. Like senior citizen old. Like “We’re here to cheer on Florence Henderson on Dancing with the Stars but we walked into the wrong studio” old.

They were certainly well put together and not at all frumpy or dowdy in a Mama’s Family way, but it stood out to me that every time Michelle would reference leaving her daughter, the cameras would cut to these two ladies nodding knowingly almost like they approved of every word Michelle was saying. “You have no right to question my mothering!” Cut to approving nod in unison. Why did Brad keep Michelle around for so long? “He loved my confidence.” Cut to approving nod in unison. I think this was all a subconscious way of making us more supportive of Michelle. Just a guess, but there’s a reason they cut away to these two so much during those segments, no?

Weirdest Outburst of the Night:

Did anyone else fall out of their chair when Britt actually spoke? And it was, like, several sentences she said? And did you then fall further out of your chair when you realized that the girl who has said three words all season decides only to speak to defend Michelle?! How nuts is that? The only reason she talks is to come to Michelle’s defense and says that Michelle is gorgeous and confident and yadda yadda yadda. Who knew? She may as well have just asked her out on date, right? It was all a little too over the top and gushy for no apparent reason.

Saddest Sympathy One-on-One:

Poor Ashley H. She’s cute and perky, her dad recently died, she got to sing with Brad and Seal, and Brad dumped her big time in Vegas in favor of the other Ashley. I’m not sure why the producers decided to give her a featured segment on this episode, but they brought out all of the sad stares, minor key violin music, and sympathetic frowns from the audience members as Ashley H’s story was replayed for us. Then to top it off we hear that she’s been cheated on and has never been in a fulfilling, mature relationship before. This whole thing felt like an online video dating service for her. “Choose her! She’s cute and perky and only a little bit damaged. Well OK, a lot damaged, but she’s still likeable. Choose her, please?” I hope she at least will get a bunch of dates from that whole sad segment.

Dumbest Question of the Night:

As Chris is rehashing all the dumping that Not-A-Dentist Ashley had to endure in South Africa, they get to talking about the chemistry that she and Brad really did have. Ashley tells him that she and Brad had something unspoken going on, so of course he asks her, “What did you have that was unspoken?”

Um, Chris…dude. If something’s unspoken, that means the person can’t speak about it. So how exactly are you expecting her to answer your question?

Best Answer to A Dumb Question:

After poor Ashley has been through the wringer seeing her dates with Brad played over and over while she’s shrunken down to a little box in the corner, Chris tells us that Brad is about to come out onstage live and in person. “What do you want to say to him?” Chris asks Ashley.

And Ashley gets a smirk on her face and answers back, “That I love him!” I literally laughed out loud at that. Maybe Ashley has more personality than I gave her credit for? Or maybe she’d been taking hits on the laughing gas that dentists get? Either way, this was the funniest line of the night.

You Are SO Not Oprah Award

I was baffled by seeing Brad and Chris travel to a South African preschool. What in god’s name were they doing there? What possible reason could the producers have had for showing us that The Bachelor gave these kids a solar water heater? This whole segment was SO self-serving. You guys are SO not Oprah in any way, shape, or form.

I’m guessing the only reason they did this whole charade was so that Chris could show off that he has skills other than hosting. Did anyone else notice his mad soccer skills where he kept the ball away from a four-year-old? Nice job, Chris. You’ve not only provided a hot bath for that little boy, but you’ve lowered his self-esteem by about 75%. Oprah would never have shown off like that. Next time you guys show up to a place like that, everyone better be getting cars and trips to Australia, otherwise it just doesn’t count.

Funniest Moment from the Funniest Moment Clip Montage:

This is a tie, but they both involve Emily.

1. Who else loved the elephants humping behind Brad and Emily during their date? And how ironic was it that the prim and proper southern girl got to watch pachyderms gettin’ it on in the watering hole.

2. And I thought it was a really funny omen of things to come that Emily dropped her Fantasy Suite key in the South African muck. Glad we got to see that outtake too!

Worst Editing for a Preview for Next Week:

Next week we see shots of Brad and one of the final ladies lowered in a shark tank. We see giant sets of teeth on the sharks as they swim dangerously close to the young lovers. But then even though we clearly see Brad and the beauty totally submerged underwater, we hear Brad’s voice clear as a bell say, “Oh my god...there’s a shark right there!” How can he be saying this so clearly if he’s underwater? I get that there could be a microphone on him in the shark cage, but it would never sound that clear. I think we are victims of bad editing again, my friends.

So next week is the big finale. If you read the spoiler sites you already know who wins and who the next Bachelorette will be. I’m not sure how they are going to fill up two full hours, but they always manage to do just that. I’ll be back next week to recap it all. Until then, don't forget to "Like" us over at After the Rose on Facebook and tell a friend!

Hippos, Hakuna Matata, and Cold Showers

Thanks for hanging in there this week, After the Rose fans. I’ve been a bit under the weather, and this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and write. Also, those of you who follow the spoiler sites know that there has been a lot of action over there this week. I kinda wanted to wait to see what would come of all of it before I typed all of this up just in case some of what I say is outdated. Apologies if it is!

In a way, it’s all good since we were back to a boring, long-winded episode again this week. How did the producers manage to make two hours in South Africa be such a long, dreary affair? There WERE a few highlights, though, so let’s get to ‘em…

“You Are Not Survivor” Award:

This goes to the producers, of course. Survivor always has to edit in shots of the local animals looking all creepy and stalker-y to add to the tone of how everyone on that show backstabs and sneaks around like creepy crawly creatures. But it doesn’t work as well here on The Bachelor. It felt like half of this episode was filler shots of every sort of animal imaginable. There are only so many zebras and giraffes you can watch when what you really just want is to get down to Bachelor business. Leave the wildlife to the professionals, producers!

Funniest Line of the Night:

This could even be a contender for funniest line of the season. As Brad and Chantal’s boobs and too-short jeans cut-off shorts are Jeep-ing through the scary backroads of the South African wilds, Brad tells us, “I’m sitting here looking at the South African bush!” Maybe Chantal should wear pants next time?

Most Bummed with Her Animal Symbolism:

On Survivor they use shots of wildlife to symbolize characters’ personalities. Just as a sneaky, conniving person flips someone to his side we’ll get a shot of a spider killing and eating its prey. Or just as someone is about to get blindsided we’ll see a helpless mouse being swallowed whole by a vicious snake.

Apparently The Bachelor is different. As Brad and Chantal O. are eating their picnic by the local watering hole, they are greeted by a pack (herd? bevy? flock?) of hippos. Since she’s been getting so much crap for how much weight she put on during the taping of the series, how bummed do you think Chantal was to see her romantic date interspersed with tons of shots of fat, roly-poly hippos flicking their ears and floating lazily in the water? Symbolism much, producers? Mean, mean, mean…

(Also, why was Chantal’s dinner date with Brad in the broad daylight? The other two got romantic nighttime dates for dinner, but it looked like Chantal and Brad were eating lunch instead. What gives?)

Coolest Fantasy Suite:

This has to be that really neat treehouse that Brad and Chantal got busy in. Such a cool setting – open-air, under the stars, lions roaring in the background, and black mamba snakes winding their way up the trunk to kill you once you fall asleep. I couldn’t think of any better place to get my first peek at Brad’s naughty bits.

Dumbest Line of the Night:

This is actually a tie, but both awards go to Emily, so I’ll put them in the same category.

It’s Emily’s turn for some one-on-one time and she and Brad run to each other in joyous glee as they first see each other. But Brad has a little something up his sleeve. He tells Emily to wait and that he forgot something. Then he turns and bolts back up the dirt road he came down. Emily stares after him, perplexed. Then she waits. And she waits. And she waits. Will Brad ever come back? Surely he’s left her there forever. In the midst of her emotional turmoil she tells us in a voiceover, “It’s possible a lion could come eat me!”

GASP! A lion!? Think about it Emily. Even if there were an actual lion within a mile of that spot where you are standing, it would have to get through all of the camera, sound, and lighting people, the producers and directors, the flunkies who are waving the mosquitoes off of you, and the snipers they have stationed every ten feet around you to ensure your safety. So yes, it’s possible a lion could come eat you, I guess. But not really…

Then later as they are riding along, Emily chirps to Brad, “This is like The Lion King, but better!” It’s like the WHAT now? The Lion King? Really? So you being on that elephant with Brad is just like a bunch of cartoons singing and fighting their way to total domination over the pridelands? Really? Hakuna Matata, Em…

Biggest Sign It’s Time for a New Dream:

I’ve ridden an elephant before. Yeah, it’s fun. It’s different. It makes you smile. But it also makes you kinda seasick and it also keeps feeling like you’re about to be thrown off.

So I had a tough time understanding why Emily kept gushing that riding an elephant was her “dream”. Emily is so excited to ride the elephant that she even tells Brad to “shut up” and then proceeds to hurl out several “Oh my goodness gracious!”-s and “Oh my dear lord”-s.

Really, Emily? This is your dream? Finding a new daddy for Little Ricki isn’t a dream? Having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life isn’t your dream? I think it’s time to re-evaluate, sweetie.

Most Psyched About Her Animal Symbolism:

Emily was doing a little happy dance in front of her TV when she saw her dinner date with Brad. Sure, Chantal got roly-poly hippos looking fat, slobby, and lazy. But when Brad and Emily start making out, they get the sounds of elephant trumpets in the background. How much more excited and happy can THAT symbolism be? Of course, the sounds were totally faked and put in during editing back in LA, but Emily must have been happy that sub-consciously we now associate Chantal with fat hippos and Emily with (fake) trumpets of joy.

Best Excuse for a Cold Shower:

After Brad and Emily’s romantic dinner out in the middle of the African nowhere surrounded by thousands of pairs of animal eyes and creepy-crawly insects trying to sneak in from everywhere, Brad hands Emily the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it out loud. Brad’s all hot and bothered since he didn’t get to go all the way with Emily last week when her daughter was sleeping a few feet away. Out here in South Africa there’s no daughter, so he’s all ready to do the horizontal South African shuffle.

But, alas, our Em is a good girl with high moral standing. She reminds Brad that she’s a mom to a five year old girl (like moms can’t be sexual? Lame…), and so she’s looking forward to using her time in the Fantasy Suite to talk and get to know Brad more.

Translation: “You ain’t gettin’ any of this tonight, Big Brad. Paws off.”

Cold shower, Table Five, please?

Fakest Over-Reaction of the Show:

This goes to Not-a-Dentist Ashley, who when she sees that her date involves a helicopter runs for the hills in surprise and shock like she had no idea her date would involve flying. Is she not staying at the same place where Brad is staying? Did she not hear the roar of the helicopter landing just down the street? How is this such a surprise to her? She and Brad just walked down the road a ways from her house to get to the thing. You think she would have noticed it landing there, right?

This whole “This is my biggest fear!” thing is getting so tired on this show. How many times do we have to see people facing what is supposedly their biggest fear only to find comfort and solace in the arms of their significant other to help them through it? Those people almost always get dumped on this show too. I guarantee that whomever has to go in the shark tank on next week’s episode will somehow let us know that sharks and/or deep water are their biggest fears.

Happiest Blogger Moment:

Interspersed throughout the episode, ABC was revealing the new cast for Dancing with the Stars. And I couldn’t be happier. This season’s cast is dull, lame, boring, virtually unknown, and a big waste of time. I’m so happy that I will get two to three nights a week back by not having to watch any of it. THAT’S the best they could do?! Not boding well for that show…

Most Obvious Crash and Burn Moment of the Show:

We can all see Ashley and Brad’s date totally unraveling at the seams. And we can see the reason is that Ashley is not giving Brad the answers he’s looking for. Why can’t SHE see that? I mean, I’m in front of a DVR in California, never met either of them in real life, and even I can see that! The fact that Ashley is playing with her hair so much and that Brad is looking everywhere but at her can’t be a good sign either, huh?

Brad ends up dumping her, but he does the gentlemanly thing and pulls her out for some alone time to soften the blow. “I need to tell you goodbye,” the writers have told him to say. Ashley tries to hold it together, plays the whole “I’m shocked!” card, and gets whisked off into the African wilds never to be heard from again. Or maybe not? Stay tuned…

Meanwhile, Emily and Chantal are standing out next to what looks like a mosquito and crocodile-infested bog in the blistering sun. That’s love. The cameras keep cutting back to these two waiting while Brad dumps Ashley. It’s funny to see these two start to wilt with every shot. By the end Emily’s hair has shrunken about three sizes and even Chantal’s boobs aren’t looking as perky as they used to.

Most Useless Host Award:

This, of course, goes to Chris Harrison, who seems to be a pretty useless host overall. This is one of those shows I feel like would be the exact same without a host at all. After Brad dumps Ashley, there’s no need to have the suspense of handing out the final rose. So we don’t get to hear Chris tell Brad, “Brad, ladies, this is the final rose of the evening.” Even Brad remarks that Chris is absent from that duty.

Poor Chris. I wonder where he was instead? Sitting out on his porch in the sun having his daily massage? On a plane hightailing it back to LA to get out of the malaria-infested mosquito cloud? Let’s all take a moment and send poor Chris our positive thoughts…

Lamest Preview for Next Week:

On the next “real” episode in two weeks (next week is The Women Tell All), we see that Brad and the two ladies are heading to Cape Town. Didn’t you love how Brad announced it like he had any idea where it was and/or could even locate it on a map? He tells them that he considers it “…one of the most exciting cities in the world!” like he’s been anywhere other than Costa Rica and Anguilla. It never is a good thing when the producers have these people try to pretend like they are the experts in the countries or cities they are visiting. Remember Allie in Portugal with Roberto? You would have thought that she practically invented Portugal, she knew so much about it. My guess is we’re going to get a lot of that from Brad too.

Most Interesting Cuisine During the Credits:

It was kinda funny to watch Brad trick Chantal into eating a worm and then not eat one himself after she freaked out and over-reacted. And kinda funny that the hippos were still watchin’ them. Kinda…

Next week the women are going to tell all. I’m sure the producers have cooked up some juicy catfights and planted the right people in the audience to sneer maniacally when Michelle walks out and to applaud sympathetically when just-dumped Ashley takes the stage. There is bound to be snarkiness and maybe even a crossed leg bobbing up and down (or two? or three?) And I’ll be back on time next week to recap it all.

Don’t forget to “like” us on After the Rose over on Facebook. We always like to hear what you have to say! Catch you next week…