Edyta, Skinny Ties, and Some Advice for the Producers

And so we come to the end of Bachelor Pad. I do have to say that although some parts more than lived up to my expectations, a lot of this season fell flat for me. At the end of this entry I’ll give the producers a few suggestions for what I think they could do to make it better if they do another season. I think that will be tough to do, though, since they have already had on the most memorable people. They’re going to have to start scraping the bottom of the barrel if they want to cast another season of this show, right? Who remembers Trish? Or Meredith? I didn’t think so. Anyway, let’s head into last night’s finale…

(Side note: This is the only episode of the season where my partner DJ was sitting there next to me providing some commentary of his own. He was pretending to be playing Words with Friends on his iPhone, but I caught him sneaking peeks at all of it. I’ll add some of his commentary here as we go along too. Always interesting to get the perspective of someone who has no idea what any of this is about, right?)

Worst Fashion Choice of the Evening:

What exactly was Natalie wearing on her arms when this episode started? It looked like she had taken Dave’s old sweat socks, cut holes in the feet and rolled them up her arms. Is it really so drafty in the ol’ Bachelor Pad that she has to cover up her arms this way? It was super-distracting that the weird sleeve things actually seemed to color coordinate with the rest of her outfit too – kinda like a Garanimals for slutty reality show contestants.

Horniest Limo Passengers:

As the final three couples are being whisked away to their dance rehearsals in separate limos, we get shots of Tenley and Kiptyn sitting chastely making light conversation. Then we see Natalie and Dave laughing it up and having a nice chat. And then we cut to Kovacs and Elizabeth who are basically dry-humping each other in the back seat of their limo. These two definitely take advantage of their alone time together as much as possible.

Funniest Montage of the Season:

Hands down, this award goes to the scenes of Kovacs and Elizabeth dancing with Edyta from Dancing with the Stars. As they enter the room, hearing Elizabeth say, “If it’s a woman, you still have to focus on me!” just made me know that these scenes were going to be oh-so-perfect, and I was not disappointed. We got tons of awesome reaction shots as Edyta and Kovacs did their dirty dancing moves while Elizabeth stared gap-jawed from the sidelines.

As Kovacs ogles Edyta’s butt and clutches her chest closer to his, Elizabeth tells us she feels insecure. Well duh, Elizabeth. Your friend with benefits boyfriend is man-handling the hottest bod on TV ever. Sucks to be you…

This entire montage of clips leads us to the next category…

Understatement of the Year Award:

 “I don’t feel like I’m as sexy as Edyta,” Elizabeth laments. ‘Nuff said.

Horniest Dancing with the Stars Professional:

This one of course goes to Louis Van Amstel, who not only asks Natalie and Dave if they are having sex in the house and dances “doggie style” with Dave, but gets to be spun around by the beefiest, horniest guy on the show. Lil Louis must have been in man-stud heaven, huh? You could just see the sex dripping out of his eyes as he tore off Dave’s clothes in his mind. Down Lil Louis, down!

Slutty Natalie Line of the Night:

As Louis is demonstrating the correct holds and positions to Natalie and Dave, he tells them that they may feel a bit awkward. Never one to run away from revealing how often she spreads her legs, Natalie comes back with, “Dave and I are used to these positions.,” then turns to Dave and says, “Please grab my boobs. It feels safer.” SO gonna miss that girl now that this is all done!

Biggest “I Never Thought I’d Miss Len, Bruno, and Carrie Ann So Much!” Moment:

It bordered on embarrassing watching Melissa, Jake, and Trista judge the dancing contest. You could tell the producers were trying to make it all seem just like Dancing with the Stars without being Dancing with the Stars. These three judges were just horrible to watch. Melissa was vapid, Jake seemed like he had a chip on his shoulder from all the criticism the real judges gave him, and Trista was just there and stupidly smiling the whole time. I always forget how much she reminds me of Connie Francis.

(And did anyone else notice that the music we heard was obviously not the music that was really playing? Why can Dancing with the Stars get the rights to pop songs, but these guys can’t? Instead of the full orchestra from the real show, these contestants have to dance off to canned elevator music.)

Least Shocking Dance Results Ever:

Was anyone really surprised that Tenley and Kiptyn won the dance contest? I mean, she’s already a trained dancer (albeit a kinda psycho one), and he spent the whole first half hour of the show telling us how worried he was that he couldn’t dance. That’s the perfect recipe for winning if I ever saw a reality TV show, right? I was a little concerned when Tenley had to remind him out loud twice to smile, but it all worked out in the end for our perfect pair and they ended up winning.

Biggest Sign That Your Dance Partner Is Going to Lose the Dance Contest for You:

Poor Elizabeth. She gets stuck with Kovacs, who is counting the steps out loud as he goes along. He may be hot, but a dancer he’s not.

(At this point in the show, DJ looked up from his iPhone and exclaimed, “I’m not digging this Tenley chick!” Well said, my love…)

Craziest Eyes:

Dave beats out Crazy Michelle for this as we watch him dancing. I thought his eyes were going to pop right out of his head. They got bigger and bulgier throughout the entire routine as he looked more and more like a sexy, beefcake psycho axe murderer.

Overstatement of the Evening:

Natalie wins this as she announces, “A live studio audience! I mean it’s mind boggling!” Really, Natalie? Your mind is boggled by something they have done on every finale since the first Bachelor premiered, but it’s not boggled by why people think you’re a slut and don’t want to marry you? Time for some soul-searching, sister…

News That Made Me Throw Up in My Mouth a Little:

It’s hard enough to hear Melissa say she’s preggers, but then she had to go all sideways on us and show off the baby bump. Melissa, we don’t want to know that kind of stuff about you. TMI. And we certainly don’t want to SEE your news like that either. Hopefully this will be the last we see of Melissa on this franchise now that the producers realize how truly useless she was throughout.

Biggest 80’s Flashback:

This definitely goes to the outfits Chris and Melissa were wearing during the studio audience portion of the show. Melissa’s shoulder pad couldn’t have been more “Sue Ellen Falling Down the Steps on ‘Dallas'” and if Chris Harrison’s tie were any skinnier, Spandau Ballet would call and ask for it back.

Least Shocking News of the Reunion:

I mean, who woulda thought that Kovacs and Elizabeth’s strong, loving bond could be broken or that Dave and Natalie would be “just friends”? I didn’t see that coming from a mile away.

So none of the couples are still together except for Tenley and Kiptyn. What do you want to bet that these two will be the next Bachelor wedding that gets televised? I for one can’t wait to see all the Disney touches that will be there. I bet since ABC owns Disney that they will do it up Disney-style for the former princess and her prince. We shall see…

Most Forced Love Connection at the Reunion:

Of course this one goes to Gia and Wes. SHOCK! Gia has broken up with that supposedly serious boyfriend who ruined her chances at love on the show. SHOCK! Wes still thinks Gia is the sexiest girl there and tells us, “Bad boys need love too!” SHOCK! The audience starts chanting for them to kiss. SHOCK! They make out behind Gia’s mass of model-styled hair. SHOCK! Chris Harrison tells them to get a room. There is no way these two are an actual couple. All of that was so staged for the reunion show since everything else was relatively boring.

Weirdest Musical Choice:

Why were they playing Two Princes as the final two couples were first introduced?

Best Reaction Shot:

Crazy Michelle as she reacts to Tenley saying, “Kiptyn’s my boyfriend!” all sugary-sweetly. Her head swings back and forth and her wrinkles seize up in disgust. Michelle has been waiting months to confront Tenley about the rumor she started, and she lets Tenley have it full bore. Good for Michelle. I actually liked her more at the end of the confrontation and I really appreciated that she got Tenley to cry so much during the series.

Scariest Chick Ever:

I’m sorry. Krisily was OK on her original series, kinda skanky on Bachelor Pad, but a total “wouldn’t want to meet THAT in a dark alley” on the reunion show. Could they have made her look any scarier? The way her head tilted over to the side in defensiveness, the way the camera zoomed in on her angry eyes and mouth lines, the way you could smell the cigarette smoke reeking off of her through the TV screen. That is one psycho chick.

Biggest “You Just Stole Our Mojo!” Moment of the Show:

As Dave and Natalie were being launched softball questions by most of their competitors, Gwen joins in the mix and calls Dave out on something she says hurt her deeply (more deeply than those incisions the plastic surgeon made all over your face and jawline, Gwen?) Dave’s face drops as he realizes that his happy-go-lucky Q&A session is about to get ugly.

She says that she overheard Dave saying that a person was just downright sad if they were in their 30’s and on a dating show like this, thus implying what we all already think – that Gwen is a sad, over-30-year-old woman with too much plastic surgery who will never find a man. Deal with it Gwen. Life is choices.

To his credit, Dave stands by what he said even though the audience boos him for it.

Line I Most Wanted to Yell at Kiptyn:

“Tuck in your damned shirt! NOW! Do it! Seriously! Now!”

Lamest Attempt at Seeming Humble:

This is a tie between Dave, Natalie, Kiptyn, and Tenley as they all explain what they would do if they won the grand prize. Natalie says she would start a charity for venereal disease cures prostate cancer research and pay off her pimp student loans, and the rest wax poetic about all the good they will do if they win. Blah blah blah. We all know that’s a load of BS, right?

We all know the truth…that Kiptyn will use his cash for hair plugs and lifts for his shoes so he appears taller, Tenley will use hers for surgery to correct her overly-chirpy voice, Dave will use his to enlarge his penis to even bigger proportions, and Natalie will basically just drink hers away in Cabo. C’mon…you know I’m right.

Biggest “I Wanna Know What That Said!” Moment:

What did they black out on Wes’s voting card as he held it up? I wanna know! I’m used to those black pixilated boxes being all over Natalie’s naughty parts, but it must have been something juicy (or commercial) for Wes to have gotten the dreaded black boxes too. What do you think it was?

Best Hope That One of the Hot Guys Will Come Out of The Closet:

Dave. Hope springs eternal with this one, even though I know that it’ll never happen. He tells us that he’s not afraid to get in touch wit his feminine side as he twirls Louis Van Amstel around the dance floor, and he even kisses Chris Harrison after he finds out that he and Natalie are going to split the grand prize. Gimme a call any time, Dave. Seriously…any time.

And so to the end of yet another Bachelor series. If they decide to run this show again, I have a few suggestions for the producers.

1. Make this show an hour or an hour-and-a-half long. Two hours was way too long and the filler got tedious.

2. Get rid of the dates. No one falls in love on them and their only purpose is for the person who won the date to choose someone to be safe from elimination that week. It would be more interesting to have more competitions instead of the lame, staged dates.

3. Get rid of Melissa and her flailing arms.

4. Start the show off with equal amounts of guys and girls. The show where three women were ejected after the first 15 minutes was just lame. We all saw it coming, as did they.

5. Don’t let people on the show who are already in couples or who have already hooked up. This may seem impossible, but if it can be done it would make the romance seem more “real” and give the contestants the chance to really see if there’s a spark.

Just my two cents’ worth! What do YOU think?

They announced that the next series of The Bachelor will premiere in January, so I will see you back here then. In the meantime, come on over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose to keep up with all the latest Bachelor news. Thanks for a fun summer!

Chunky Bracelets, Broken Beds, and Whitesnake Videos

Can you believe that next week is already the season finale of this show? The time has absolutely FLOWN by with booze-filled love trysts, staged dates that no one cares about, and bad wardrobe choices. We are down to three couples now, and it was so obvious from the start who would be the last ones standing. Couples have reigned supreme for this show, a dynamic which I think taints the whole process. It seems inherently unfair to put “outsider” people into a competition with a core group who all know each other already and have each others’ backs. I mean, did anyone truly think that Big Nikki or “Voted Most Stupid” Gwen was going to bring home the grand prize? If they do this show next time, I hope they fill the show with hot bods who don’t know each other at all or who already hate each other.

On to the highlights and lowlights from last night:

Most Improved Fashion Choices:

Chris Harrison finally looked presentable in a black-and-white plaid shirt and normal pants. Hooray and huzzah! It took him five episodes, but he actually looked nice last night. Even the suit he wore for the rose ceremony was subtle and not nauseating in the least. Ups for Mr. Harrison’s wardrobe advisors this week.

Most Repeated Ad Nauseum Topics of the Night:

TIE:

1. “THREE women will be going home RIGHT NOW!”

“Did you hear? Three women are going home!”

“When? Later?”

“No! RIGHT NOW!”

“Ladies and gentlemen…three women will be going home RIGHT NOW!”

“That’s bad and scary and sad all at the same time!”

Wasn’t that like the first 15 minutes of the show? They hadn’t even gotten to the competition yet and they had repeated some form of those lines about a million times. They even had to interview each contestant separately to see what their take on it was. And guess what? They all thought it was bad that three women would be going home tonight (even though it was so obvious who the unlucky ladies were going to be that they may as well have had “I Was on Bachelor Pad and Lost and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt” T-shirts on, right?)

2. The entire last hour of this show boiled down to one thing: “We’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth, we’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth, we’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth…Oh wait…We’re not. We’re sending home Tattoo Jesse and Peyton instead.”

The last hour was so mind-numbingly repetitive I wanted to scrape out my eyes with that gigantoid aquamarine necklace Gwen had on around her neck before she got the boot. It was so painfully obvious that Tattoo Jesse and Peyton were going home all along. Why drag it out for so long?

The Hostess with the Leastest:

This one of course goes to Melissa Rycroft. The producers this week finally figured out a way to make her stop using her hands. On one wrist they placed two humongous chunky, plastic bracelets to weigh her down, and then on the other hand made her wear a huge, green ring. These seemed to do the trick as I didn’t notice her hands moving up above the camera line once during the whole Spin the Bottle competition.

Catty Thought for the Evening:

Is it just me, or is Nikki getting bigger and bigger with each episode? Her face is looking more and more bloaty, and let’s just say that any time the camera caught her profile, it was not a pretty picture. What gives? How is she putting on so much weight so fast in there? It’s like all the air got let out of her facelift.

Cattiest Line of the Night:

After Gwen gets the heave-ho and is driving away in the Stretch Limo of Shame, we cut to an interview of Elizabeth who is looking all faux-sad that Gwen’s gone. She says she feels really sad for Gwen, and we think, “Ahhh…Elizabeth has a heart in there underneath all of those bad roots.”

But then she comes up with the zinger of the night when she fakes sad and says, “I could still be in my 40’s one day too and looking for love…” all “poor Gwen”-like when she really doesn’t mean it. OUCH! In one fell swoop, Elizabeth managed to not only dis Gwen’s lack of love life, but also her age. How much more patronizing could Elizabeth have been?

“Turnabout is Fair Play” Award:

This goes to Elizabeth, who after saying such catty things about Gwen is shown with the standard dumbass music playing while she can’t remember a thing about the guy she’s supposedly been dating for six months. Then she can’t even remember the name of the herbal supplement she takes to help her memory. Seems like you hit the beer bongs a bit too hard in college, Elizabeth. Karma’s a bitch, huh?

Tenley Line of the Night:

Tenley gets her own category this week. Maybe it’s because there are fewer people and she’s getting more camera time, but it certainly seemed like we saw a lot more of her last night. Let’s just say that this chick ain’t gonna be winning any Nobel Prizes soon.

This category’s a tie too:

1. While talking about her love for Kiptyn, Tenley puts on her best princess voice and tells us, “Love kissing Kiptyn! Love kissing! Kissing is fun! Kiptyn is fun! Cuz we are Kip-Ten!” Get it? Oh my god, this woman has got to be stopped. With all of the saccharin sweet that poured out of her all last night, I’m still scraping the remnants off the TV screen. I can’t stand Tenley anymore. I was never a fan, but this series just pushed home the point. No one is that sickeningly perfect.

2. When Natalie and Dave found out that their date was going to be “under the stars”, how many times did Tenley say “in a rocket”? It must have been, oh, say…114? WTF was she thinking? I thought she was just being silly the first time, but all of the other times were just plain sad. Yes Tenley, ABC has gone to NASA and secured a special trip into outer space for the lucky couple so they can test out contraceptives in zero gravity. Get a grip, girl…

Most “We Get It Already! He’s Dumb and She’s High Class!” Segment:

Tattoo Jesse and Peyton are sitting around having drinks when Peyton looks over and Jesse is picking out an ingrown hair in his leg with a screw (“It’s a DRYWALL screw!” he helpfully tells her in case she needed clarification.) She, of course, grosses out and rolls her eyes all over the room. Then, Jesse deigns to peel his banana the wrong way (Seriously, what was up with how he did THAT? If I were Peyton, I’d watch out for Jesse’s condom-placement skills if he thinks that you deal with a banana from the bottom up). All the while, the requisite dumbass music is playing so Jesse seems even more like a hillbilly country bumpkin compared to the aristocratic fair maiden. Staged staged staged…

Biggest Over-Reaction of the Series So Far:

Peyton, when she dropped her last balloon. Oh my god…you would have thought that she dropped a baby or her wedding ring down the drain. All of those tears and moaning fetal positions over a stupid balloon? I mean, I get that she also dropped a metaphorical $250,000, but did anyone seriously think that she was going to win it? She didn’t even think so herself.

Most Surprising Undergarments of the Evening:

As Dave is ironing his clothes to prepare to get them ripped off on his date with Natalie, his shirt is off and his shorts are sagging low. Peeking up from under them is the top few inches of a pair of…wait…could it be? Are those really pink HEARTS on his underwear? Really? That studly specimen of a man, that hunka hunka burnin’ love, that “Best Kisser”…he wears HEARTS under there? Who knew? I guess I was expecting something manlier and less girly. Maybe he was wearing Natalie’s newest Frederick’s of Hollywood purchase?

Scene That Made Me Need to Pause the DVR and Go Take a Long, Hot Shower to Scrub Off the Disgustingness:

This one goes hands-down to Kovacs and Elizabeth in the sports car. It’s bad enough they got into it when it wasn’t even theirs to begin with, but then things just got downright gross as they made out in every conceivable position, including Elizabeth spread-eagle on top of Jesse while he leaned back on the trunk. During this scene, we got treated to some pretty lame one-liners as well:

Elizabeth: “I love it when a man’s in control!” Ooo! Hard-hitting insight into Elizabeth’s psyche, huh?

Jesse: “Watch out for the stick!” How was it possible for him to say this line without at least smirking in embarrassment? How cliché and over-used are lines like those?

And did anyone else notice the irony here? A couple of weeks ago, Kovacs and Elizabeth did the horizontal mambo in the shower, and then Natalie ducked in there to have a good cry later after being voted “Always a Bridesmaid”. Now Kovacs and Elizabeth are at it again, christening this car with their love juices before Natalie and her date even know it’s there. And to add insult to injury, Elizabeth comes back into the house and announces to Dave and Natalie that the car is out front and “It’s got Jesse and Elizabeth all over it for you!” Let’s just say that I am sure there is no lack of DNA evidence of their little tryst and leave it at that, OK?

So Natalie is yet again privy to the Kovacs’ and Elizabeth’s sloppy seconds. Always a bridesmaid indeed…

Character Most in Need of Sunscreen:

Somebody get Tattoo Jesse some SPF 50 stat! That poor guy’s face has been burned red for this entire series. Sometimes it morphs into a pleasing shade of purple, but it always looks painful and always looks like he’s going to look like a leather handbag when he’s 40.

Sketchiest Date of the Series So Far:

Dave and Natalie drive into a dirt lot where it looks like the cops will find the dead bodies buried (there’s even a creepy-looking black mini-van visible in one scene!) for their date. Yes, there’s the beautiful Pacific sunset right there, but couldn’t they have watched that from some mansion somewhere? Did it have to be on the same dirt lot where they filmed scenes from Poltergeist and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 406?

Coolest Nod to the 80s:

Somewhere in Celebrity Rehab, Tawny Kittaen’s head was spinning around in Linda Blair circles as she watched Natalie do her best Whitesnake video moves on the sports car while Dave shot pictures of her. Her skirt could not have been any shorter without showing all of her bits and pieces. Again, I always think how proud her parents must be watching her parade her goods on top of a convertible. The only thing she was missing were the ever-present black boxes around her naughty bits. Those would have made the scene truly complete.

Biggest “I’m Guessing This Show Is Not Hiring You Back” Moment:

I almost did a spit take when I realized that the mansion where Dave and Natalie spend their date is the same one where Jason and Molly canoodled during their season. Um, paging Melissa Rycroft (who was chosen by Jason as “the one” and then dumped on national TV in favor of Molly). Wow…out of all the places the producers could have chosen, they chose the place where Jason and Molly first sealed the deal. Ouch, Melissa. That’s gotta hurt, huh? Try swinging your arms at THAT one. I’m guessing that was the producers’ subtle way of telling you you’re not being invited back for another season.

The Three Biggest Warning Signs of Impending Danger of the Evening:

As Dave and Natalie are chatting, the producers try to show us a softer side of Dave as we hear him tell us about the sadness he has around his folks’ divorce. We actually start to feel sorry for him as he wells up and starts to cry over it. But then, warning alarms begin to go off that this is one dangerous guy and that Natalie should get out now while the getting’s good and before Dave one of these days goes all Mel Gibson phone call on her.

First, Dave tells her all about his dad issues. He was Daddy’s little boy a la Leave It to Beaver before the divorce, then hardly saw him after his folks split up. Faint warning bell sounding…

Next, Dave says he and his dad had a big argument recently and they don’t speak to each other any more. Warning bell getting closer now.

Then the alarms go into overdrive as Dave tells her that at the end of their last argument, Dave threw a chair through a wall. Threw a WHAT through a WHAT now?! Um, Natalie? Back away NOW! This guy has no clue how to appropriately express anger and it seems like he sure has plenty of it built up about now.

Lastly, Dave strikes the last nail into his “damaged goods” coffin by turning to Natalie and telling her, “I don’t want to talk about it.” BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Alarms all around now. Can’t hear a thing except alarms. Leave now, Natalie! Run! Flee!

But of course Natalie does what any self-respecting girl who flashes cameras and spread eagles on yellow sports cars would do and puts her hand up to his jaw and starts making out with him. Because hot kissers with anger management problems and family hang-ups are HOT, right?

Biggest Tease:

True to her roots (and no, I don’t mean only the ones in her hair), Elizabeth pulls a Groundhog Day on us and on Kovacs when she sends out all the signals that she wants to have a whole lot of monkey sex with him in the Fantasy Suite, but then pulls back and gets all self-righteous about it. Remember when she did the same thing with Jake during his season and forced him to kiss her on the forehead? What’s her deal? Ever the tease, Elizabeth is a tough one to figure out.

I did love how she called out Kovacs after they did the nasty. She says he never pays attention to her, he asks her, “What did we just do?” and she answers, “You just got LAID!” That was almost a Line of the Night, but because Elizabeth is nutso it’s disqualified. I’ll give it an honorable mention here instead.

Biggest “Um…That’s Probably a Bad Idea, Tenley” Moment of the Night:

Tenley’s decision-making skills have been called into question ever since her very odd and chirpy ballet dance for Jake. But tonight she pushes the boundaries as she enters the kitchen, approaches Kiptyn from behind WHILE HE HAS A BIG KNIFE IN HIS HAND cutting chicken, and proceeds to tickle his ribs. Tenley, sweetie. Not a good idea. And since Kiptyn is the only guy there as short as you, that knife is going straight through your eyeballs if he turns around too quickly or thinks that Big Nikki has come back to assault him for flipping his choice at Spin the Bottle.

“Who’s Hotter?” Award:

This one has mostly been going to Dave, especially since he won Best Kisser last week. But this week we find out that Kovacs broke the bed when he and Elizabeth got busy, so his star may be rising too. Stay tuned…

Most Obvious Tie-In Ever Award:

This of course goes to the previews we saw of the remaining couples meeting Dancing with the Stars professional dancers for ballroom dancing lessons. How convenient that the new season of Dancing with the Stars is starting in just a few weeks? Do you think Jake will make a cameo? I personally can’t wait to see Dave get in touch with what he calls his feminine side while he swings Louis Van Amstel around and around the room like the Beast swung Belle.

So it took two full hours to tell us what we already knew – Tattoo Jesse and Peyton are out. Next week is the series finale where it looks like everyone will come back. And then it looks like there will some part of the show that’s done in front of a live studio audience. Gee, I hope the audience is stacked with lonely single women who are all hoping for a date with one of the hot guys on stage.

Only one person wins this show, not a couple, so it will be interesting to watch the final couple battle it out against each other. How much do you hope the final challenge is Jell-o wrestling and Kiptyn and Tenley end up in the mush pit? Fingers crossed!

Catch you next week for the finale, and don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook to join in the conversation and get bonus stuff whenever my schedule allows it. I have a day job too, y’know!

The Shower of Shame, Pearl Harbor, and Chopping Blocks

Sorry for the delay this week. I’ve got a close family member in the hospital, and all of my free time is going to hanging out with her until she’s up and around again. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I missed one second of Monday night’s show. I get to have some fun too this week, right?

Let’s get started…

Most Exaggerated Line of the Night:

Wes at the top of the show saying that it was “…an absolute atrocity…” that Gia went home last time. Really, Wes? An atrocity? The Holocaust was an atrocity. George Bush’s presidency was an atrocity. A horny swimsuit model from New York getting booted from a sleazy reality show and into the arms of her hot-and-heavy boyfriend is the same? Time to take a step back, big guy, and take in the big picture.

Biggest “Get Over It” Moment of the Show:

Dave calls Wes a “jackass” because he is one, and Wes can’t let it go. Awkward silences from all of the others ensue while the two of them start sparring verbally. Wes knows he’s outnumbered and has no more friends now that Gia is history, so all he has left is macho bravado, apparently, and it ain’t workin’ out too well for him. All Dave has to do is remind Wes that he won Best Kisser last week and the smackdown will be done…

Most “WTF?” Part of the Show:

The montage with “Sad Wes” in the swimming ppol. Wait…was he wearing UNDERWEAR in there? Those were boxer briefs and not a swimming suit, right? Um…ew. There’s no liner in boxer briefs, dude. Pubes all over the tub, dude. Barf me out. And what was up with the apparent suicide attempt when he went underwater and tried to sink himself to the bottom by blowing out all his air and staying there? Were we supposed to feel sorry for him? Didn’t work. To me, he was just a creepy tattooed guy in his un-lined underpants holding his breath for attention. Next…

Chris Harrison Fashion Faux Pas of the Night:

The way-too-tight gray sweater he had on during the competition. That thing was stretched so tight around his waist that his love handles had their own handles. If it weren’t for the V-neck, I would have sworn that was a battleship standing next to Melissa’s wildly oscillating arms. You know Chris is sporting a bad outfit when I remember it more than I remember what the hot guys were wearing (or not wearing as the case may be…)

Cattiest Line of the Night:

This one goes to Natalie, who, while describing Krisily, says: “Krisily’s everybody’s enemy because she’s straight up (pregnant pause)… just….(another pause)….a BITCH!” Ah, Natalie. Just when I think you can’t top your lounge prancing last week, you pull out the zinger of the night. All is right with my world now…

Biggest “I’m a Dumb Blonde Even Though I’m Not Naturally a Blonde!” Moment:

Elizabeth, who has to write down how many questions she’s gotten correct on her hand during the competition. Because it’s really tough to keep track of all of those numbers between one and four during a hard-hitting game such as that. And while we’re on the topic of the competition, it’s time for…

The Best Competition EVER in the History of Reality Show Competitions:

Sure, Survivor and Big Brother have done these survey-type things where everyone has to be honest about everyone else and then vote on answers to win points. But those paled in comparison to what these young lovelies were forced to answer Monday night. Whereas Survivor contestants have been thrown such softballs as, “Who does the least work in the camp?” and Big Brother house guests have had to answer, “Who snores the loudest?” these singles got nailed with zingers such as, “Who is the most shallow?” and my favorite of the night, “Who has the worst boob job?” Classic!

I don’t know what was funnier – watching them filling out the survey to choruses of, “Oh no! (head shake and tears)…This is so unfair!” or watching their faces as one by one they found out that they were the answers to the most horrible questions.

Whose reaction was more priceless? Tenley’s face shriveling into a California Raisin as she dutifully tried to answer her survey? Natalie’s look of “I’m A Strong Woman Who Doesn’t Care on the Outside but Who Is Shattered on the Inside” when she found that she was voted “Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride”? Or Elizabeth’s awkward looks down at her chest as she was crowned “Miss Bad Boob Job of 2010”?

And what other show could give us better moments than Natalie voting for herself as the dumbest only to have the title stripped away by the dark horse Gwen? Or Kovacs telling us that he knows his girlfriend does indeed have the worst boob job, but that he can’t write that down because then he’s not getting any lovin’ from her for the rest of the show? Or Elizabeth telling us, “I don’t even know what shallow really means!” after being voted Most Shallow by the gang? Or how about Natalie realizing that her boyfriend-of-the-hour Dave just voted her “Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride” thus signaling his intentions to just use her during the show to let out some hormonal urges and win $250,000 but then never call her once taping is done? It’s too hard to choose, n’est-ce pas?

Any way you slice it, this was one of my favorite competitions of all time on any show, hands down. And watching the waterworks afterwards was almost as good, dontcha think? Reality TV perfection…

Most Overused Room of the Series:

The bathroom…and, more specifically, the shower. After being bruised and battered at the competition, Natalie retires to the place where we just heard Kovacs and Elizabeth do the Vertical Viennese Waltz last week. I sure hope they hosed that shower down with Clorox before Natalie got into it and knelt in the corner sobbing. Lord knows what STDs are still lurking in that place. Didn’t you love Gwen’s face as she tried to get into the shower to comfort Natalie? It was like she was drawing back the curtain on some sort of illicit activity that she knew she shouldn’t be watching but was strangely drawn to like Chris Harrison to bad fashion. Maybe being voted dumbest wasn’t such a stretch for our pal Gwen after all?

Most “A Guy Can Dream, Can’t He?” Moment:

Watching Kovacs go INTO the closet to comfort Elizabeth. Sigh…if only he would come OUT of the closet one of these days so at least I’d have a shot. Papa like. I’m just sayin’…

Biggest “AHA!” Moment of the Show

Has it dawned on anyone else that Elizabeth still calls her boyfriend by his last name – Kovacs? What’s up with that? Is that common? I can’t think of one woman I’ve ever known who calls her boyfriend by his last name. I’ve heard Sweetie, Honey, Pookie, A**hole, and Man-Wh*re…but never a last name. What gives? It’s kinda creepy to me. It depersonalizes him in her eyes, I think. Or maybe the producers are making her do it since there are still two Jesse’s left in the competition?

Best Triumphant Return of the Show:

Our old pal the helicopter is back! After appearing in nearly every single episode of Ali’s season, we thought our friend Mr. Helicopter had rotored his last trip. But never one to be counted out, he makes a surprise appearance in this episode as he flies Tenley and Kiptyn to their Dream Date on Catalina Island. For added effect, Kiptyn has to tell us and Tenley about forty times that he’s never been in a helicopter before. We are happy to see the helicopter back assuming it’s rightful place among the stretch limos, the battered taxi vans, and the open-air planes as the transportations of choice for our contestants. Welcome home, Little Buddy!

Biggest “Oh My God Could this Girl BE Any More Disney?!” Scene:

After Kiptyn and Tenley have bored us to tears with their stupid double entendres about zip lining and taking their relationship to new heights (Get it? Cuz when you zip line, you’re up HIGH!), we get a shot of the campsite where they will be having dinner and canoodling for the rest of the night.

And as if the producers haven’t already set Tenley up as a Disney princess with her chirpy voice, her always-sunny disposition, her romantic balletic swirls, and her chastity belt firmly clenched between her thighs, they give us shots of woodland creatures (specifically deer) making their way through the campsite before Tenley and Kiptyn’s arrival. Could this scene have screamed Cinderella or Snow White any more? I fully expected Doc and Dopey and Smarmy (the lesser-known eighth dwarf who was cut from the original film version) to wriggle out from underneath the pillows and the evil stepmother to lock Tenley up high in the tower. We get it, producers…Tenley is sickeningly, vomitously, horrendously pure and perfect and sugar and spice and everything nice. We don’t need deer stalking through her scenes to know that.

But wait…maybe all is not so “Some Day My Prince Will Come” with Tenley? Did you all catch the…

Biggest “I KNEW IT!” Moment:

I have to tell you that I was doing my “Toldja so! Toldja so!” dance around the room when Tenley told us, “I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart…” I KNEW it! Tenley totally threw it down with Jakey Boy in the Fantasy Suite. Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, Miss “I’m saving myself until my second marriage” is actually a slut who gives it up to a limousine company owner with killer abs. To be fair, I think most of us would have jumped at a chance to watch ol’ Jake in action nekkid, but I now feel vindicated that Miss Tenley is not as pure as we were led to believe.

Best “You Thought I Was Kinda Smart, but I’m Really Dumber Than Gwen” Line of the Night:

On her date with Tattoo Jesse, Peyton tells him, “I feel like I’m on the Pearl Harbor!” THE Pearl Harbor? Do you mean you feel like you’re in the movie Pearl Harbor, Peyton? Or did you mean that you felt like you were in the midst of one of the worst attacks ever on Americans where thousands of people were killed? Or is there a small plane named the Pearl Harbor where you come from? Either way, your statement is just downright stupid. You know things are bad when you’re sounding dumber than Gwen. Gwen is the chick who let herself in to the Bathtub of Shame and Gonorrhea, right?

Gayest Decorating of the Night:

I am a gay man so I can poke fun at gay decorating. What pilot in their right mind would sit in a gigantic airplane hangar, eat dinner on crushed velvet couches, and then hang parachute fabric from the rafters wafting down softly over the entire scene. I can’t imagine that Tattoo Jesse thought of that himself. Did anyone else notice how the fabric hung just so to create the perfect billowy airy effect? Can you imagine the guy in charge of getting all of that hung up there? “I want more billow! More billow! It’s not parachute-y enough! More hang!” Too too much…

Biggest “Me Show You My True Color” Moment of the Night:

Jesse and Peyton are having a totally awesome airplane date until Jesse starts to sip his martini. His true colors come out in full force the drunker he gets. Poor Peyton gets a full dose of the real Tattoo Jesse as he blows a gigantic, wet burp right in her face. That’ll cut the sexual tension down to zero, huh? Next he tries several times to pick Peyton’s nose, which grosses her out to no end. Then he mixes champagne into his martini and makes Peyton hurl chunks all over the gay guy’s gorgeous parachute material.

Tattoo Jesse is playing the part of the annoying little brother perfectly. I’m shocked they didn’t show him flashing his bare ass and laying a huge fart in her ear for good measure. I still think this guy is totally hot, but he’s definitely one of those guys whose mouth you keep closed and who you don’t bring home to meet Mom.

Most Bummed Couple of the Night:

For the second week in a row, Peyton and Tattoo Jesse only get offered the room upstairs in the mansion instead of a swanky hotel room Fantasy Suite. Last week Dave and Natalie lived it up and humped like monkeys in a Vegas villa while Peyton and Tattoo Jesse had to pretend to have sex when they really didn’t back home in the mansion. Again this week, while Kiptyn and Tenley get to have their Disney Dream Date on Catalina complete with forest creatures and chaise lounges under the stars, Peyton and Tattoo Jesse again get offered a room upstairs from where everyone else sleeps. What gives?

Best “The Producers Totally Fed Me This Line” Line of the Night:

After the fiasco of Peyton and Tattoo Jesse’s date, we for some reason cut to Dave waxing all knowledgeable about their chemistry saying, “Jesse B. and Peyton just aren’t a good mix. Kinda like champagne and vodka…”

Wow! What are the odds that Tattoo Jesse would mix together vodka and champagne and that Dave would use that EXACT MIXTURE to talk about things even though he wasn’t on the date? Geez…Dave is not only hot and the best kisser, but he apparently has super-psychic powers too. Is anyone else not buying this for one second? That line was fed to him pure and simple. Oh, and Dave needs to shave off that scraggly beard. He’s hotter without it.

Most Overused Phrase of the Season:

Normally I get on this show’s case for how many times the words “amazing”, “journey”, or “awesome” are used over and over and over every episode. But for this series we have a new clear favorite “go to” phrase: “chopping block”. I kept count last night, and “chopping block” was uttered 16 times. Yup…16! And over half of those times it was said by Krisily and Kovacs combined. When you really think about what “chopping block” means, it’s actually kind of a grisly metaphor to be using over and over. None of these contestants are getting their heads actually chopped off for real. I think they need to use a different term to mix it up a bit. How about “Krisily Cutter” or “Kovacs Cleaver”? Let’s get creative here, producers!

So that’s about the size of it this week. Hope you’re enjoying these shortened postings. And I hope you’ll “tell a friend” to come “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook so we can get more fans. Catch you next week!