Edyta, Skinny Ties, and Some Advice for the Producers

And so we come to the end of Bachelor Pad. I do have to say that although some parts more than lived up to my expectations, a lot of this season fell flat for me. At the end of this entry I’ll give the producers a few suggestions for what I think they could do to make it better if they do another season. I think that will be tough to do, though, since they have already had on the most memorable people. They’re going to have to start scraping the bottom of the barrel if they want to cast another season of this show, right? Who remembers Trish? Or Meredith? I didn’t think so. Anyway, let’s head into last night’s finale…

(Side note: This is the only episode of the season where my partner DJ was sitting there next to me providing some commentary of his own. He was pretending to be playing Words with Friends on his iPhone, but I caught him sneaking peeks at all of it. I’ll add some of his commentary here as we go along too. Always interesting to get the perspective of someone who has no idea what any of this is about, right?)

Worst Fashion Choice of the Evening:

What exactly was Natalie wearing on her arms when this episode started? It looked like she had taken Dave’s old sweat socks, cut holes in the feet and rolled them up her arms. Is it really so drafty in the ol’ Bachelor Pad that she has to cover up her arms this way? It was super-distracting that the weird sleeve things actually seemed to color coordinate with the rest of her outfit too – kinda like a Garanimals for slutty reality show contestants.

Horniest Limo Passengers:

As the final three couples are being whisked away to their dance rehearsals in separate limos, we get shots of Tenley and Kiptyn sitting chastely making light conversation. Then we see Natalie and Dave laughing it up and having a nice chat. And then we cut to Kovacs and Elizabeth who are basically dry-humping each other in the back seat of their limo. These two definitely take advantage of their alone time together as much as possible.

Funniest Montage of the Season:

Hands down, this award goes to the scenes of Kovacs and Elizabeth dancing with Edyta from Dancing with the Stars. As they enter the room, hearing Elizabeth say, “If it’s a woman, you still have to focus on me!” just made me know that these scenes were going to be oh-so-perfect, and I was not disappointed. We got tons of awesome reaction shots as Edyta and Kovacs did their dirty dancing moves while Elizabeth stared gap-jawed from the sidelines.

As Kovacs ogles Edyta’s butt and clutches her chest closer to his, Elizabeth tells us she feels insecure. Well duh, Elizabeth. Your friend with benefits boyfriend is man-handling the hottest bod on TV ever. Sucks to be you…

This entire montage of clips leads us to the next category…

Understatement of the Year Award:

 “I don’t feel like I’m as sexy as Edyta,” Elizabeth laments. ‘Nuff said.

Horniest Dancing with the Stars Professional:

This one of course goes to Louis Van Amstel, who not only asks Natalie and Dave if they are having sex in the house and dances “doggie style” with Dave, but gets to be spun around by the beefiest, horniest guy on the show. Lil Louis must have been in man-stud heaven, huh? You could just see the sex dripping out of his eyes as he tore off Dave’s clothes in his mind. Down Lil Louis, down!

Slutty Natalie Line of the Night:

As Louis is demonstrating the correct holds and positions to Natalie and Dave, he tells them that they may feel a bit awkward. Never one to run away from revealing how often she spreads her legs, Natalie comes back with, “Dave and I are used to these positions.,” then turns to Dave and says, “Please grab my boobs. It feels safer.” SO gonna miss that girl now that this is all done!

Biggest “I Never Thought I’d Miss Len, Bruno, and Carrie Ann So Much!” Moment:

It bordered on embarrassing watching Melissa, Jake, and Trista judge the dancing contest. You could tell the producers were trying to make it all seem just like Dancing with the Stars without being Dancing with the Stars. These three judges were just horrible to watch. Melissa was vapid, Jake seemed like he had a chip on his shoulder from all the criticism the real judges gave him, and Trista was just there and stupidly smiling the whole time. I always forget how much she reminds me of Connie Francis.

(And did anyone else notice that the music we heard was obviously not the music that was really playing? Why can Dancing with the Stars get the rights to pop songs, but these guys can’t? Instead of the full orchestra from the real show, these contestants have to dance off to canned elevator music.)

Least Shocking Dance Results Ever:

Was anyone really surprised that Tenley and Kiptyn won the dance contest? I mean, she’s already a trained dancer (albeit a kinda psycho one), and he spent the whole first half hour of the show telling us how worried he was that he couldn’t dance. That’s the perfect recipe for winning if I ever saw a reality TV show, right? I was a little concerned when Tenley had to remind him out loud twice to smile, but it all worked out in the end for our perfect pair and they ended up winning.

Biggest Sign That Your Dance Partner Is Going to Lose the Dance Contest for You:

Poor Elizabeth. She gets stuck with Kovacs, who is counting the steps out loud as he goes along. He may be hot, but a dancer he’s not.

(At this point in the show, DJ looked up from his iPhone and exclaimed, “I’m not digging this Tenley chick!” Well said, my love…)

Craziest Eyes:

Dave beats out Crazy Michelle for this as we watch him dancing. I thought his eyes were going to pop right out of his head. They got bigger and bulgier throughout the entire routine as he looked more and more like a sexy, beefcake psycho axe murderer.

Overstatement of the Evening:

Natalie wins this as she announces, “A live studio audience! I mean it’s mind boggling!” Really, Natalie? Your mind is boggled by something they have done on every finale since the first Bachelor premiered, but it’s not boggled by why people think you’re a slut and don’t want to marry you? Time for some soul-searching, sister…

News That Made Me Throw Up in My Mouth a Little:

It’s hard enough to hear Melissa say she’s preggers, but then she had to go all sideways on us and show off the baby bump. Melissa, we don’t want to know that kind of stuff about you. TMI. And we certainly don’t want to SEE your news like that either. Hopefully this will be the last we see of Melissa on this franchise now that the producers realize how truly useless she was throughout.

Biggest 80’s Flashback:

This definitely goes to the outfits Chris and Melissa were wearing during the studio audience portion of the show. Melissa’s shoulder pad couldn’t have been more “Sue Ellen Falling Down the Steps on ‘Dallas'” and if Chris Harrison’s tie were any skinnier, Spandau Ballet would call and ask for it back.

Least Shocking News of the Reunion:

I mean, who woulda thought that Kovacs and Elizabeth’s strong, loving bond could be broken or that Dave and Natalie would be “just friends”? I didn’t see that coming from a mile away.

So none of the couples are still together except for Tenley and Kiptyn. What do you want to bet that these two will be the next Bachelor wedding that gets televised? I for one can’t wait to see all the Disney touches that will be there. I bet since ABC owns Disney that they will do it up Disney-style for the former princess and her prince. We shall see…

Most Forced Love Connection at the Reunion:

Of course this one goes to Gia and Wes. SHOCK! Gia has broken up with that supposedly serious boyfriend who ruined her chances at love on the show. SHOCK! Wes still thinks Gia is the sexiest girl there and tells us, “Bad boys need love too!” SHOCK! The audience starts chanting for them to kiss. SHOCK! They make out behind Gia’s mass of model-styled hair. SHOCK! Chris Harrison tells them to get a room. There is no way these two are an actual couple. All of that was so staged for the reunion show since everything else was relatively boring.

Weirdest Musical Choice:

Why were they playing Two Princes as the final two couples were first introduced?

Best Reaction Shot:

Crazy Michelle as she reacts to Tenley saying, “Kiptyn’s my boyfriend!” all sugary-sweetly. Her head swings back and forth and her wrinkles seize up in disgust. Michelle has been waiting months to confront Tenley about the rumor she started, and she lets Tenley have it full bore. Good for Michelle. I actually liked her more at the end of the confrontation and I really appreciated that she got Tenley to cry so much during the series.

Scariest Chick Ever:

I’m sorry. Krisily was OK on her original series, kinda skanky on Bachelor Pad, but a total “wouldn’t want to meet THAT in a dark alley” on the reunion show. Could they have made her look any scarier? The way her head tilted over to the side in defensiveness, the way the camera zoomed in on her angry eyes and mouth lines, the way you could smell the cigarette smoke reeking off of her through the TV screen. That is one psycho chick.

Biggest “You Just Stole Our Mojo!” Moment of the Show:

As Dave and Natalie were being launched softball questions by most of their competitors, Gwen joins in the mix and calls Dave out on something she says hurt her deeply (more deeply than those incisions the plastic surgeon made all over your face and jawline, Gwen?) Dave’s face drops as he realizes that his happy-go-lucky Q&A session is about to get ugly.

She says that she overheard Dave saying that a person was just downright sad if they were in their 30’s and on a dating show like this, thus implying what we all already think – that Gwen is a sad, over-30-year-old woman with too much plastic surgery who will never find a man. Deal with it Gwen. Life is choices.

To his credit, Dave stands by what he said even though the audience boos him for it.

Line I Most Wanted to Yell at Kiptyn:

“Tuck in your damned shirt! NOW! Do it! Seriously! Now!”

Lamest Attempt at Seeming Humble:

This is a tie between Dave, Natalie, Kiptyn, and Tenley as they all explain what they would do if they won the grand prize. Natalie says she would start a charity for venereal disease cures prostate cancer research and pay off her pimp student loans, and the rest wax poetic about all the good they will do if they win. Blah blah blah. We all know that’s a load of BS, right?

We all know the truth…that Kiptyn will use his cash for hair plugs and lifts for his shoes so he appears taller, Tenley will use hers for surgery to correct her overly-chirpy voice, Dave will use his to enlarge his penis to even bigger proportions, and Natalie will basically just drink hers away in Cabo. C’mon…you know I’m right.

Biggest “I Wanna Know What That Said!” Moment:

What did they black out on Wes’s voting card as he held it up? I wanna know! I’m used to those black pixilated boxes being all over Natalie’s naughty parts, but it must have been something juicy (or commercial) for Wes to have gotten the dreaded black boxes too. What do you think it was?

Best Hope That One of the Hot Guys Will Come Out of The Closet:

Dave. Hope springs eternal with this one, even though I know that it’ll never happen. He tells us that he’s not afraid to get in touch wit his feminine side as he twirls Louis Van Amstel around the dance floor, and he even kisses Chris Harrison after he finds out that he and Natalie are going to split the grand prize. Gimme a call any time, Dave. Seriously…any time.

And so to the end of yet another Bachelor series. If they decide to run this show again, I have a few suggestions for the producers.

1. Make this show an hour or an hour-and-a-half long. Two hours was way too long and the filler got tedious.

2. Get rid of the dates. No one falls in love on them and their only purpose is for the person who won the date to choose someone to be safe from elimination that week. It would be more interesting to have more competitions instead of the lame, staged dates.

3. Get rid of Melissa and her flailing arms.

4. Start the show off with equal amounts of guys and girls. The show where three women were ejected after the first 15 minutes was just lame. We all saw it coming, as did they.

5. Don’t let people on the show who are already in couples or who have already hooked up. This may seem impossible, but if it can be done it would make the romance seem more “real” and give the contestants the chance to really see if there’s a spark.

Just my two cents’ worth! What do YOU think?

They announced that the next series of The Bachelor will premiere in January, so I will see you back here then. In the meantime, come on over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose to keep up with all the latest Bachelor news. Thanks for a fun summer!

Chunky Bracelets, Broken Beds, and Whitesnake Videos

Can you believe that next week is already the season finale of this show? The time has absolutely FLOWN by with booze-filled love trysts, staged dates that no one cares about, and bad wardrobe choices. We are down to three couples now, and it was so obvious from the start who would be the last ones standing. Couples have reigned supreme for this show, a dynamic which I think taints the whole process. It seems inherently unfair to put “outsider” people into a competition with a core group who all know each other already and have each others’ backs. I mean, did anyone truly think that Big Nikki or “Voted Most Stupid” Gwen was going to bring home the grand prize? If they do this show next time, I hope they fill the show with hot bods who don’t know each other at all or who already hate each other.

On to the highlights and lowlights from last night:

Most Improved Fashion Choices:

Chris Harrison finally looked presentable in a black-and-white plaid shirt and normal pants. Hooray and huzzah! It took him five episodes, but he actually looked nice last night. Even the suit he wore for the rose ceremony was subtle and not nauseating in the least. Ups for Mr. Harrison’s wardrobe advisors this week.

Most Repeated Ad Nauseum Topics of the Night:

TIE:

1. “THREE women will be going home RIGHT NOW!”

“Did you hear? Three women are going home!”

“When? Later?”

“No! RIGHT NOW!”

“Ladies and gentlemen…three women will be going home RIGHT NOW!”

“That’s bad and scary and sad all at the same time!”

Wasn’t that like the first 15 minutes of the show? They hadn’t even gotten to the competition yet and they had repeated some form of those lines about a million times. They even had to interview each contestant separately to see what their take on it was. And guess what? They all thought it was bad that three women would be going home tonight (even though it was so obvious who the unlucky ladies were going to be that they may as well have had “I Was on Bachelor Pad and Lost and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt” T-shirts on, right?)

2. The entire last hour of this show boiled down to one thing: “We’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth, we’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth, we’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth…Oh wait…We’re not. We’re sending home Tattoo Jesse and Peyton instead.”

The last hour was so mind-numbingly repetitive I wanted to scrape out my eyes with that gigantoid aquamarine necklace Gwen had on around her neck before she got the boot. It was so painfully obvious that Tattoo Jesse and Peyton were going home all along. Why drag it out for so long?

The Hostess with the Leastest:

This one of course goes to Melissa Rycroft. The producers this week finally figured out a way to make her stop using her hands. On one wrist they placed two humongous chunky, plastic bracelets to weigh her down, and then on the other hand made her wear a huge, green ring. These seemed to do the trick as I didn’t notice her hands moving up above the camera line once during the whole Spin the Bottle competition.

Catty Thought for the Evening:

Is it just me, or is Nikki getting bigger and bigger with each episode? Her face is looking more and more bloaty, and let’s just say that any time the camera caught her profile, it was not a pretty picture. What gives? How is she putting on so much weight so fast in there? It’s like all the air got let out of her facelift.

Cattiest Line of the Night:

After Gwen gets the heave-ho and is driving away in the Stretch Limo of Shame, we cut to an interview of Elizabeth who is looking all faux-sad that Gwen’s gone. She says she feels really sad for Gwen, and we think, “Ahhh…Elizabeth has a heart in there underneath all of those bad roots.”

But then she comes up with the zinger of the night when she fakes sad and says, “I could still be in my 40’s one day too and looking for love…” all “poor Gwen”-like when she really doesn’t mean it. OUCH! In one fell swoop, Elizabeth managed to not only dis Gwen’s lack of love life, but also her age. How much more patronizing could Elizabeth have been?

“Turnabout is Fair Play” Award:

This goes to Elizabeth, who after saying such catty things about Gwen is shown with the standard dumbass music playing while she can’t remember a thing about the guy she’s supposedly been dating for six months. Then she can’t even remember the name of the herbal supplement she takes to help her memory. Seems like you hit the beer bongs a bit too hard in college, Elizabeth. Karma’s a bitch, huh?

Tenley Line of the Night:

Tenley gets her own category this week. Maybe it’s because there are fewer people and she’s getting more camera time, but it certainly seemed like we saw a lot more of her last night. Let’s just say that this chick ain’t gonna be winning any Nobel Prizes soon.

This category’s a tie too:

1. While talking about her love for Kiptyn, Tenley puts on her best princess voice and tells us, “Love kissing Kiptyn! Love kissing! Kissing is fun! Kiptyn is fun! Cuz we are Kip-Ten!” Get it? Oh my god, this woman has got to be stopped. With all of the saccharin sweet that poured out of her all last night, I’m still scraping the remnants off the TV screen. I can’t stand Tenley anymore. I was never a fan, but this series just pushed home the point. No one is that sickeningly perfect.

2. When Natalie and Dave found out that their date was going to be “under the stars”, how many times did Tenley say “in a rocket”? It must have been, oh, say…114? WTF was she thinking? I thought she was just being silly the first time, but all of the other times were just plain sad. Yes Tenley, ABC has gone to NASA and secured a special trip into outer space for the lucky couple so they can test out contraceptives in zero gravity. Get a grip, girl…

Most “We Get It Already! He’s Dumb and She’s High Class!” Segment:

Tattoo Jesse and Peyton are sitting around having drinks when Peyton looks over and Jesse is picking out an ingrown hair in his leg with a screw (“It’s a DRYWALL screw!” he helpfully tells her in case she needed clarification.) She, of course, grosses out and rolls her eyes all over the room. Then, Jesse deigns to peel his banana the wrong way (Seriously, what was up with how he did THAT? If I were Peyton, I’d watch out for Jesse’s condom-placement skills if he thinks that you deal with a banana from the bottom up). All the while, the requisite dumbass music is playing so Jesse seems even more like a hillbilly country bumpkin compared to the aristocratic fair maiden. Staged staged staged…

Biggest Over-Reaction of the Series So Far:

Peyton, when she dropped her last balloon. Oh my god…you would have thought that she dropped a baby or her wedding ring down the drain. All of those tears and moaning fetal positions over a stupid balloon? I mean, I get that she also dropped a metaphorical $250,000, but did anyone seriously think that she was going to win it? She didn’t even think so herself.

Most Surprising Undergarments of the Evening:

As Dave is ironing his clothes to prepare to get them ripped off on his date with Natalie, his shirt is off and his shorts are sagging low. Peeking up from under them is the top few inches of a pair of…wait…could it be? Are those really pink HEARTS on his underwear? Really? That studly specimen of a man, that hunka hunka burnin’ love, that “Best Kisser”…he wears HEARTS under there? Who knew? I guess I was expecting something manlier and less girly. Maybe he was wearing Natalie’s newest Frederick’s of Hollywood purchase?

Scene That Made Me Need to Pause the DVR and Go Take a Long, Hot Shower to Scrub Off the Disgustingness:

This one goes hands-down to Kovacs and Elizabeth in the sports car. It’s bad enough they got into it when it wasn’t even theirs to begin with, but then things just got downright gross as they made out in every conceivable position, including Elizabeth spread-eagle on top of Jesse while he leaned back on the trunk. During this scene, we got treated to some pretty lame one-liners as well:

Elizabeth: “I love it when a man’s in control!” Ooo! Hard-hitting insight into Elizabeth’s psyche, huh?

Jesse: “Watch out for the stick!” How was it possible for him to say this line without at least smirking in embarrassment? How cliché and over-used are lines like those?

And did anyone else notice the irony here? A couple of weeks ago, Kovacs and Elizabeth did the horizontal mambo in the shower, and then Natalie ducked in there to have a good cry later after being voted “Always a Bridesmaid”. Now Kovacs and Elizabeth are at it again, christening this car with their love juices before Natalie and her date even know it’s there. And to add insult to injury, Elizabeth comes back into the house and announces to Dave and Natalie that the car is out front and “It’s got Jesse and Elizabeth all over it for you!” Let’s just say that I am sure there is no lack of DNA evidence of their little tryst and leave it at that, OK?

So Natalie is yet again privy to the Kovacs’ and Elizabeth’s sloppy seconds. Always a bridesmaid indeed…

Character Most in Need of Sunscreen:

Somebody get Tattoo Jesse some SPF 50 stat! That poor guy’s face has been burned red for this entire series. Sometimes it morphs into a pleasing shade of purple, but it always looks painful and always looks like he’s going to look like a leather handbag when he’s 40.

Sketchiest Date of the Series So Far:

Dave and Natalie drive into a dirt lot where it looks like the cops will find the dead bodies buried (there’s even a creepy-looking black mini-van visible in one scene!) for their date. Yes, there’s the beautiful Pacific sunset right there, but couldn’t they have watched that from some mansion somewhere? Did it have to be on the same dirt lot where they filmed scenes from Poltergeist and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 406?

Coolest Nod to the 80s:

Somewhere in Celebrity Rehab, Tawny Kittaen’s head was spinning around in Linda Blair circles as she watched Natalie do her best Whitesnake video moves on the sports car while Dave shot pictures of her. Her skirt could not have been any shorter without showing all of her bits and pieces. Again, I always think how proud her parents must be watching her parade her goods on top of a convertible. The only thing she was missing were the ever-present black boxes around her naughty bits. Those would have made the scene truly complete.

Biggest “I’m Guessing This Show Is Not Hiring You Back” Moment:

I almost did a spit take when I realized that the mansion where Dave and Natalie spend their date is the same one where Jason and Molly canoodled during their season. Um, paging Melissa Rycroft (who was chosen by Jason as “the one” and then dumped on national TV in favor of Molly). Wow…out of all the places the producers could have chosen, they chose the place where Jason and Molly first sealed the deal. Ouch, Melissa. That’s gotta hurt, huh? Try swinging your arms at THAT one. I’m guessing that was the producers’ subtle way of telling you you’re not being invited back for another season.

The Three Biggest Warning Signs of Impending Danger of the Evening:

As Dave and Natalie are chatting, the producers try to show us a softer side of Dave as we hear him tell us about the sadness he has around his folks’ divorce. We actually start to feel sorry for him as he wells up and starts to cry over it. But then, warning alarms begin to go off that this is one dangerous guy and that Natalie should get out now while the getting’s good and before Dave one of these days goes all Mel Gibson phone call on her.

First, Dave tells her all about his dad issues. He was Daddy’s little boy a la Leave It to Beaver before the divorce, then hardly saw him after his folks split up. Faint warning bell sounding…

Next, Dave says he and his dad had a big argument recently and they don’t speak to each other any more. Warning bell getting closer now.

Then the alarms go into overdrive as Dave tells her that at the end of their last argument, Dave threw a chair through a wall. Threw a WHAT through a WHAT now?! Um, Natalie? Back away NOW! This guy has no clue how to appropriately express anger and it seems like he sure has plenty of it built up about now.

Lastly, Dave strikes the last nail into his “damaged goods” coffin by turning to Natalie and telling her, “I don’t want to talk about it.” BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Alarms all around now. Can’t hear a thing except alarms. Leave now, Natalie! Run! Flee!

But of course Natalie does what any self-respecting girl who flashes cameras and spread eagles on yellow sports cars would do and puts her hand up to his jaw and starts making out with him. Because hot kissers with anger management problems and family hang-ups are HOT, right?

Biggest Tease:

True to her roots (and no, I don’t mean only the ones in her hair), Elizabeth pulls a Groundhog Day on us and on Kovacs when she sends out all the signals that she wants to have a whole lot of monkey sex with him in the Fantasy Suite, but then pulls back and gets all self-righteous about it. Remember when she did the same thing with Jake during his season and forced him to kiss her on the forehead? What’s her deal? Ever the tease, Elizabeth is a tough one to figure out.

I did love how she called out Kovacs after they did the nasty. She says he never pays attention to her, he asks her, “What did we just do?” and she answers, “You just got LAID!” That was almost a Line of the Night, but because Elizabeth is nutso it’s disqualified. I’ll give it an honorable mention here instead.

Biggest “Um…That’s Probably a Bad Idea, Tenley” Moment of the Night:

Tenley’s decision-making skills have been called into question ever since her very odd and chirpy ballet dance for Jake. But tonight she pushes the boundaries as she enters the kitchen, approaches Kiptyn from behind WHILE HE HAS A BIG KNIFE IN HIS HAND cutting chicken, and proceeds to tickle his ribs. Tenley, sweetie. Not a good idea. And since Kiptyn is the only guy there as short as you, that knife is going straight through your eyeballs if he turns around too quickly or thinks that Big Nikki has come back to assault him for flipping his choice at Spin the Bottle.

“Who’s Hotter?” Award:

This one has mostly been going to Dave, especially since he won Best Kisser last week. But this week we find out that Kovacs broke the bed when he and Elizabeth got busy, so his star may be rising too. Stay tuned…

Most Obvious Tie-In Ever Award:

This of course goes to the previews we saw of the remaining couples meeting Dancing with the Stars professional dancers for ballroom dancing lessons. How convenient that the new season of Dancing with the Stars is starting in just a few weeks? Do you think Jake will make a cameo? I personally can’t wait to see Dave get in touch with what he calls his feminine side while he swings Louis Van Amstel around and around the room like the Beast swung Belle.

So it took two full hours to tell us what we already knew – Tattoo Jesse and Peyton are out. Next week is the series finale where it looks like everyone will come back. And then it looks like there will some part of the show that’s done in front of a live studio audience. Gee, I hope the audience is stacked with lonely single women who are all hoping for a date with one of the hot guys on stage.

Only one person wins this show, not a couple, so it will be interesting to watch the final couple battle it out against each other. How much do you hope the final challenge is Jell-o wrestling and Kiptyn and Tenley end up in the mush pit? Fingers crossed!

Catch you next week for the finale, and don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook to join in the conversation and get bonus stuff whenever my schedule allows it. I have a day job too, y’know!

The Shower of Shame, Pearl Harbor, and Chopping Blocks

Sorry for the delay this week. I’ve got a close family member in the hospital, and all of my free time is going to hanging out with her until she’s up and around again. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I missed one second of Monday night’s show. I get to have some fun too this week, right?

Let’s get started…

Most Exaggerated Line of the Night:

Wes at the top of the show saying that it was “…an absolute atrocity…” that Gia went home last time. Really, Wes? An atrocity? The Holocaust was an atrocity. George Bush’s presidency was an atrocity. A horny swimsuit model from New York getting booted from a sleazy reality show and into the arms of her hot-and-heavy boyfriend is the same? Time to take a step back, big guy, and take in the big picture.

Biggest “Get Over It” Moment of the Show:

Dave calls Wes a “jackass” because he is one, and Wes can’t let it go. Awkward silences from all of the others ensue while the two of them start sparring verbally. Wes knows he’s outnumbered and has no more friends now that Gia is history, so all he has left is macho bravado, apparently, and it ain’t workin’ out too well for him. All Dave has to do is remind Wes that he won Best Kisser last week and the smackdown will be done…

Most “WTF?” Part of the Show:

The montage with “Sad Wes” in the swimming ppol. Wait…was he wearing UNDERWEAR in there? Those were boxer briefs and not a swimming suit, right? Um…ew. There’s no liner in boxer briefs, dude. Pubes all over the tub, dude. Barf me out. And what was up with the apparent suicide attempt when he went underwater and tried to sink himself to the bottom by blowing out all his air and staying there? Were we supposed to feel sorry for him? Didn’t work. To me, he was just a creepy tattooed guy in his un-lined underpants holding his breath for attention. Next…

Chris Harrison Fashion Faux Pas of the Night:

The way-too-tight gray sweater he had on during the competition. That thing was stretched so tight around his waist that his love handles had their own handles. If it weren’t for the V-neck, I would have sworn that was a battleship standing next to Melissa’s wildly oscillating arms. You know Chris is sporting a bad outfit when I remember it more than I remember what the hot guys were wearing (or not wearing as the case may be…)

Cattiest Line of the Night:

This one goes to Natalie, who, while describing Krisily, says: “Krisily’s everybody’s enemy because she’s straight up (pregnant pause)… just….(another pause)….a BITCH!” Ah, Natalie. Just when I think you can’t top your lounge prancing last week, you pull out the zinger of the night. All is right with my world now…

Biggest “I’m a Dumb Blonde Even Though I’m Not Naturally a Blonde!” Moment:

Elizabeth, who has to write down how many questions she’s gotten correct on her hand during the competition. Because it’s really tough to keep track of all of those numbers between one and four during a hard-hitting game such as that. And while we’re on the topic of the competition, it’s time for…

The Best Competition EVER in the History of Reality Show Competitions:

Sure, Survivor and Big Brother have done these survey-type things where everyone has to be honest about everyone else and then vote on answers to win points. But those paled in comparison to what these young lovelies were forced to answer Monday night. Whereas Survivor contestants have been thrown such softballs as, “Who does the least work in the camp?” and Big Brother house guests have had to answer, “Who snores the loudest?” these singles got nailed with zingers such as, “Who is the most shallow?” and my favorite of the night, “Who has the worst boob job?” Classic!

I don’t know what was funnier – watching them filling out the survey to choruses of, “Oh no! (head shake and tears)…This is so unfair!” or watching their faces as one by one they found out that they were the answers to the most horrible questions.

Whose reaction was more priceless? Tenley’s face shriveling into a California Raisin as she dutifully tried to answer her survey? Natalie’s look of “I’m A Strong Woman Who Doesn’t Care on the Outside but Who Is Shattered on the Inside” when she found that she was voted “Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride”? Or Elizabeth’s awkward looks down at her chest as she was crowned “Miss Bad Boob Job of 2010”?

And what other show could give us better moments than Natalie voting for herself as the dumbest only to have the title stripped away by the dark horse Gwen? Or Kovacs telling us that he knows his girlfriend does indeed have the worst boob job, but that he can’t write that down because then he’s not getting any lovin’ from her for the rest of the show? Or Elizabeth telling us, “I don’t even know what shallow really means!” after being voted Most Shallow by the gang? Or how about Natalie realizing that her boyfriend-of-the-hour Dave just voted her “Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride” thus signaling his intentions to just use her during the show to let out some hormonal urges and win $250,000 but then never call her once taping is done? It’s too hard to choose, n’est-ce pas?

Any way you slice it, this was one of my favorite competitions of all time on any show, hands down. And watching the waterworks afterwards was almost as good, dontcha think? Reality TV perfection…

Most Overused Room of the Series:

The bathroom…and, more specifically, the shower. After being bruised and battered at the competition, Natalie retires to the place where we just heard Kovacs and Elizabeth do the Vertical Viennese Waltz last week. I sure hope they hosed that shower down with Clorox before Natalie got into it and knelt in the corner sobbing. Lord knows what STDs are still lurking in that place. Didn’t you love Gwen’s face as she tried to get into the shower to comfort Natalie? It was like she was drawing back the curtain on some sort of illicit activity that she knew she shouldn’t be watching but was strangely drawn to like Chris Harrison to bad fashion. Maybe being voted dumbest wasn’t such a stretch for our pal Gwen after all?

Most “A Guy Can Dream, Can’t He?” Moment:

Watching Kovacs go INTO the closet to comfort Elizabeth. Sigh…if only he would come OUT of the closet one of these days so at least I’d have a shot. Papa like. I’m just sayin’…

Biggest “AHA!” Moment of the Show

Has it dawned on anyone else that Elizabeth still calls her boyfriend by his last name – Kovacs? What’s up with that? Is that common? I can’t think of one woman I’ve ever known who calls her boyfriend by his last name. I’ve heard Sweetie, Honey, Pookie, A**hole, and Man-Wh*re…but never a last name. What gives? It’s kinda creepy to me. It depersonalizes him in her eyes, I think. Or maybe the producers are making her do it since there are still two Jesse’s left in the competition?

Best Triumphant Return of the Show:

Our old pal the helicopter is back! After appearing in nearly every single episode of Ali’s season, we thought our friend Mr. Helicopter had rotored his last trip. But never one to be counted out, he makes a surprise appearance in this episode as he flies Tenley and Kiptyn to their Dream Date on Catalina Island. For added effect, Kiptyn has to tell us and Tenley about forty times that he’s never been in a helicopter before. We are happy to see the helicopter back assuming it’s rightful place among the stretch limos, the battered taxi vans, and the open-air planes as the transportations of choice for our contestants. Welcome home, Little Buddy!

Biggest “Oh My God Could this Girl BE Any More Disney?!” Scene:

After Kiptyn and Tenley have bored us to tears with their stupid double entendres about zip lining and taking their relationship to new heights (Get it? Cuz when you zip line, you’re up HIGH!), we get a shot of the campsite where they will be having dinner and canoodling for the rest of the night.

And as if the producers haven’t already set Tenley up as a Disney princess with her chirpy voice, her always-sunny disposition, her romantic balletic swirls, and her chastity belt firmly clenched between her thighs, they give us shots of woodland creatures (specifically deer) making their way through the campsite before Tenley and Kiptyn’s arrival. Could this scene have screamed Cinderella or Snow White any more? I fully expected Doc and Dopey and Smarmy (the lesser-known eighth dwarf who was cut from the original film version) to wriggle out from underneath the pillows and the evil stepmother to lock Tenley up high in the tower. We get it, producers…Tenley is sickeningly, vomitously, horrendously pure and perfect and sugar and spice and everything nice. We don’t need deer stalking through her scenes to know that.

But wait…maybe all is not so “Some Day My Prince Will Come” with Tenley? Did you all catch the…

Biggest “I KNEW IT!” Moment:

I have to tell you that I was doing my “Toldja so! Toldja so!” dance around the room when Tenley told us, “I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart…” I KNEW it! Tenley totally threw it down with Jakey Boy in the Fantasy Suite. Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, Miss “I’m saving myself until my second marriage” is actually a slut who gives it up to a limousine company owner with killer abs. To be fair, I think most of us would have jumped at a chance to watch ol’ Jake in action nekkid, but I now feel vindicated that Miss Tenley is not as pure as we were led to believe.

Best “You Thought I Was Kinda Smart, but I’m Really Dumber Than Gwen” Line of the Night:

On her date with Tattoo Jesse, Peyton tells him, “I feel like I’m on the Pearl Harbor!” THE Pearl Harbor? Do you mean you feel like you’re in the movie Pearl Harbor, Peyton? Or did you mean that you felt like you were in the midst of one of the worst attacks ever on Americans where thousands of people were killed? Or is there a small plane named the Pearl Harbor where you come from? Either way, your statement is just downright stupid. You know things are bad when you’re sounding dumber than Gwen. Gwen is the chick who let herself in to the Bathtub of Shame and Gonorrhea, right?

Gayest Decorating of the Night:

I am a gay man so I can poke fun at gay decorating. What pilot in their right mind would sit in a gigantic airplane hangar, eat dinner on crushed velvet couches, and then hang parachute fabric from the rafters wafting down softly over the entire scene. I can’t imagine that Tattoo Jesse thought of that himself. Did anyone else notice how the fabric hung just so to create the perfect billowy airy effect? Can you imagine the guy in charge of getting all of that hung up there? “I want more billow! More billow! It’s not parachute-y enough! More hang!” Too too much…

Biggest “Me Show You My True Color” Moment of the Night:

Jesse and Peyton are having a totally awesome airplane date until Jesse starts to sip his martini. His true colors come out in full force the drunker he gets. Poor Peyton gets a full dose of the real Tattoo Jesse as he blows a gigantic, wet burp right in her face. That’ll cut the sexual tension down to zero, huh? Next he tries several times to pick Peyton’s nose, which grosses her out to no end. Then he mixes champagne into his martini and makes Peyton hurl chunks all over the gay guy’s gorgeous parachute material.

Tattoo Jesse is playing the part of the annoying little brother perfectly. I’m shocked they didn’t show him flashing his bare ass and laying a huge fart in her ear for good measure. I still think this guy is totally hot, but he’s definitely one of those guys whose mouth you keep closed and who you don’t bring home to meet Mom.

Most Bummed Couple of the Night:

For the second week in a row, Peyton and Tattoo Jesse only get offered the room upstairs in the mansion instead of a swanky hotel room Fantasy Suite. Last week Dave and Natalie lived it up and humped like monkeys in a Vegas villa while Peyton and Tattoo Jesse had to pretend to have sex when they really didn’t back home in the mansion. Again this week, while Kiptyn and Tenley get to have their Disney Dream Date on Catalina complete with forest creatures and chaise lounges under the stars, Peyton and Tattoo Jesse again get offered a room upstairs from where everyone else sleeps. What gives?

Best “The Producers Totally Fed Me This Line” Line of the Night:

After the fiasco of Peyton and Tattoo Jesse’s date, we for some reason cut to Dave waxing all knowledgeable about their chemistry saying, “Jesse B. and Peyton just aren’t a good mix. Kinda like champagne and vodka…”

Wow! What are the odds that Tattoo Jesse would mix together vodka and champagne and that Dave would use that EXACT MIXTURE to talk about things even though he wasn’t on the date? Geez…Dave is not only hot and the best kisser, but he apparently has super-psychic powers too. Is anyone else not buying this for one second? That line was fed to him pure and simple. Oh, and Dave needs to shave off that scraggly beard. He’s hotter without it.

Most Overused Phrase of the Season:

Normally I get on this show’s case for how many times the words “amazing”, “journey”, or “awesome” are used over and over and over every episode. But for this series we have a new clear favorite “go to” phrase: “chopping block”. I kept count last night, and “chopping block” was uttered 16 times. Yup…16! And over half of those times it was said by Krisily and Kovacs combined. When you really think about what “chopping block” means, it’s actually kind of a grisly metaphor to be using over and over. None of these contestants are getting their heads actually chopped off for real. I think they need to use a different term to mix it up a bit. How about “Krisily Cutter” or “Kovacs Cleaver”? Let’s get creative here, producers!

So that’s about the size of it this week. Hope you’re enjoying these shortened postings. And I hope you’ll “tell a friend” to come “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook so we can get more fans. Catch you next week!

Black Boxes, Cottage Cheese, and Pepto Bismol!

Boy, this week didn’t disappoint in the trashy department, huh? It doesn’t get much skankier than mashing lips and swapping saliva with eight or nine other people while blindfolded. Geez…I thought it was going to just be pecks on the lips – not full on tongues down throats!

Due to me being off of my summer schedule now, this week’s posting is going to be a “Best and Worst” format. Life is hectic right now (those of you who know me personally know why!) Hopefully next week I can do more. Onward…

Most “Oh My God Will You Please Just Shut Up Already?” Person on the Show:

Hands down…Gia. That girl got more air time last night than Kiptyn’s abs and David’s lips combined (Ooo…now THERE’S a vision…combine those two…) At the start of the show she was calling Big Nikki out for having waffled on her voting on the previous episode, but poor Nikki couldn’t get a word in edgewise as Gia kept pounding home the point that Nikki was wrong. Every time Nikki opened her mouth to defend herself, Gia was there with a retort to put her back in her place. Shut up already!

Then, throughout the whole show, all we heard about was how torn Gia was because she has a boyfriend back home and all the shenanigans in the house and her sudden, apparent lust for Wes have thrown the relationship with said boyfriend into a tizzy. “I don’t know what to do! I can’t do this! I have a boyfriend! I am way less attractive now that everyone has seen my true personality!” Wah wah wah…she goes on and on. Shut up already ! (Part 2)

I actually liked Gia on Jake’s season and was kinda rootin’ for her back then. Last night, I was just so glad to see her finally go. Why come on this show if you know you have a serious boyfriend back home and you know the producers are going to subject you to all sorts of temptations? And then to make matters worse, why complain about it over and over and over again. Enough. Girl got to go…

Grand Prize Winner of the “Your Parents Must Be So Proud!” Award

This, of course, goes to Natalie – that gorgeous skank of a girl who uttered such demure lines as, “I would make out with every guy in this house for $25!” and “This is the best Vegas date I’ve ever had!” (Implying that there has been more than one…or maybe implying that it was better than being dumped by Jason in Vegas? Who knows…)

Not only does she say she’s a skank, she shows us by being the only girl to take her top off at the topless pool. And the producers have a field day as they again bring out the black boxes and strategically place them over her boobs as she frolics in the pool with Dave and the other girls.

So now Natalie has had every private area black-boxed out. Can you imagine her parents kicking back at home last night watching this all unfold?

“Um, Joe? Why are those annoying black boxes all over Natalie all the time? Is there something wrong with our TV?”

“No, Sweetie. There’s something wrong with the part of our daughter’s brain that makes good decisions.”

Wouldn’t you just LOVE to be a fly on the wall during Thanksgiving at THAT household this year?

Most Contrived “I Don’t Believe It For A Second” Romance on the Show So Far This Season:

Wes and Gia, of course. First off, it’s very obvious the producers are trying really, really hard to make sure we know Wes isn’t the horrible guy they painted him to be during Jillian’s season. I’m not sure why they have done this big about-face with him, but they have been building this courtship with Gia like he’s the perfect Texas gentleman cowboy. I keep expecting evil Wes to burst out and cackle that he really has fourteen girlfriends back home and he’s playing Gia like a fiddle, but it never happens.

I can see what Wes sees in Gia (smokin’ hot bikini model bod…duh), but I can’t for the life of me figure out what Gia sees in Wes. He’s an attractive guy, I guess, but she’s a sophisticated New York City model with a serious boyfriend back home. Why is she snuggling up to him and eating up every one of his cheesy lines? Does she not hear, like we can, how robotic Wes’s voice is as he lays all of the compliments on so heavy? He doesn’t mean a word.

This whole romance screams “Contrived by the producers!” and I am not buying it for one second.

Best Use of Music During the Episode:

As the kissing contest starts and the studly guys are grabbing the ladies by the jaws and plunking their lips down, quasi-porno music plays in the background and it all gets a little “Showtime After Hours”. But the moment it’s Weather Man’s turn, they roll out the dumbass “This guy has no idea what he’s doing” music. Hilarious transition there. Poor guy…

Lamest Reason to Bow Out of a Kissing Contest:

Ashley: “I don’t want to lose the respect of my students!...Money can’t buy the respect of my students!”

OK…let me break it down for you, Ashley. On Jake’s season, you came out to a cocktail party dressed in a flight attendant’s outfit that was only a bit less skimpy than the one worn by Lolita Humpalot in her last tour de force Four in a Cockpit. And we all saw where THAT got you, right? You slutted it up and Jake dumped you like a skanky blonde from Swampville, Florida. That outfit absolutely SCREAMED slutty. But apparently, it didn’t force you to lose the respect of your students. (In fact, I would guess that several of your students – particularly the male ones—gained MORE respect for you, right?)

Then, after seeing that whole debacle on national TV and how you were edited to be a slutty flight attendant when you were really just a slutty high school teacher, you sign a contract to appear on yet ANOTHER skanky show by the same producers. Hoping what? That they would make you less slutty this time around? I’m not following the logic here.

Then, in an apparent moment of clarity (“Oh holy mother of all that is good…what have I DONE?!”) you suddenly realize that getting blindfolded and kissing ten guys who have all been slurping on ten other ladies probably won’t go over so well with the teenage crowd – and, more importantly, their parents.

Ashley, sweetie, I’m here to tell you that you lost all respect of anyone when you signed up to do the original Bachelor show. I actually think we would have had MORE respect for you if you had gone full bore last night and hopped on to every set of lips parked in front of your face. And what if you had WON?! Damn, talk about respect amongst your students. Winning something like that would up your cachet WAY more at school than coaching the Glee Club or directing the fall production of Our Town. You know I’m right, Ash. Think about it.

Biggest Shock on Last Night’s Show:

No…it wasn’t who got booted off or that Natalie’s boobies were flying free. It was how short Gia is! Did anyone else notice during the kissing contest how far down all the guys had to stoop to reach her lips? It was almost comical for some of them. How is this girl a model? Don’t models have to be at least, like, 7’3” or something? This girl is positively puny. I guess with the kind of (ahem) “bikini modeling” she does, she lies down more than she stands up, so it doesn’t make a difference.

Oh, wait. I just did a search and found this clip where she’s standing up a lot. I stand corrected: Click Here for Soft Porn Gia!

She’s still pretty short, though.

Most Disgusting Scene of the Night:

Elizabeth, after she has made out hot and heavy with Weather Guy, spitting out a mouthful of what looked like his spit bubbles mixed with her spit bubbles mixed with her vomit mixed with cottage cheese. What WAS that coming out of her mouth? So gross…

Best Insight Into a Contestant’s Personality:

Wes, when he says that the kissing contest freaked him out because he’s a germaphobe. Then he tells us he’s not into women kissing him aggressively, “…unless I’m absolutely hammered.” These lines just kinda write themselves, don’t they?

Biggest Laugh Out Loud Moment of the Season So Far:

There are few times during any of these shows where I literally LOL, but I was really cracking up at one scene in particular last night. On their Las Vegas date, while Dave and Krisily are canoodling on a chaise and Krisily is mustering up the wherewithal to tell Dave she actually may have some feelings for him, we cut to a shot of Natalie leaping across all the chaise lounges like she’s skipping freely through a meadow of unicorns and leprechauns. We cut back to a shot of Dave, open-mouthed as Natalie’s boobies bounce along with her, and then cut to a priceless shot of Krisily’s face crumpling with depression as she realizes that Natalie has totally stolen her mojo. Dave is never going to be into her with THAT bouncing around all over the place like Tigger with a boob job.

I truly laughed hard at this scene. There was something about the way they cut to Natalie bounding across the lounges that was just perfectly timed and hilarious.

Most Ironic Line of the Night:

Dave and Natalie have just agreed to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite. Dave tells us they have been friends for a while and that he’s interested to take her for a test run and see how her boobs feel and if she’s as good in bed as the 47 other former contestants say she is see if maybe their friendship can go to the next level. They make out a bunch and then end up on the bed.

As things get hot and heavy, Dave gets up to shut the door and says, “She’s a real straight-up person!” but we can clearly see that Natalie is reclining back in her best “I’m ready for my close-up…oh…and sex!” pose in the background. There is absolutely nothing "straight up" about Natalie at that point. She's down and dirty, pure and simple.

Lamest Date of the Season:

Going drag racing, right? You do it alone. There’s no way to share it with your date since you sit in a car by yourself and race them. And it seemed like a good deal of the races were between the guys with Peyton just watching. Obviously, the producers again want us to believe that these dates spark romance, but I’m not buyin’ it. This was just an excuse to get some “vroom vroom” shots of the guys being all testosterone-filled (which they didn’t even play up that much).

This date was SO BORING! I’ll tell you how boring it was:

This date was so boring that they forced Kovacs and Peyton to eat at a skanky-looking burrito stand. Dave and the girls got topless pools in Vegas, and THIS was the best they could muster for poor ol’ Peyton and Co.?

This date was so boring, they had to show us Kovacs and Kiptyn sitting in the bleachers with a picnic basket between them like a gay couple (and what a couple that would make, huh? Woof!) talking strategy since Peyton chose Tattoo Jesse for the alone time.

This date was so boring that the rose Peyton pins on Tattoo Jesse is at full sideways tilt before he even turns around. Even the flowers can’t stay awake. (And while we’re on the subject…shouldn’t a prerequisite of this show be that you know how to properly pin a flower on a lapel? C’mon, ladies…it’s not that hard!)

This date was so boring that the “Fantasy Suite” (if you can call it that this season) is actually the locked room upstairs in the mansion where everyone else can hear the bed bumping (or not) and the couples moaning (or not). It’s like bringing your date home to sleep at your parents’ house. Not much fun gonna happen there…

Line I’d Most Love to Respond to Personally:

Kiptyn telling Peyton, “I want you to tell me how my bumper is. Make sure everything’s clean back there.”

‘Nuff said…

Biggest “Ouch! That’s Gotta Sting at Least a Little!” Line of the Night:

Tie

1. After spending the night with Peyton in the Fantasy Suite, Tattoo Jesse tells us, “She’s just someone who will make someone a good wife some day.” Which is hot guy talk for, “She wouldn’t put out even though the producers cut in shots of the two of us lying suggestively head to toe on the bed together.”

2. How hard did we all laugh as Kiptyn literally kicked Tenley out of his bed? I only wish we could have more shots of her face crumpling afterwards.

Weirdest Fashion Statement:

TIE

1. Dave’s morning headband. I mean, really, WTF? Did you see him in those shots as Peyton and Tattoo Jesse came down from the Fantasy Suite? He had some sort of black band wrapped around his head like he didn’t want to muss his hair or something. What was up with that?

2. Chris Harrison’s Pepto-Bismol shirt. Talk about your upset stomach and diarrhea…I’m all for guys wearing pink, but tone it down about 23 shades, Chris.

3. Nikki’s GIGANTIC turquoise necklace on the Las Vegas date. I always say everything about this girl has to be big, and she certainly did not disappoint with this one. She could barely hold her neck up straight.

4. Melissa’s dress at the Rose Ceremony. That one just sent me over the edge. What was up with all the crap fluttering on her chest? She looked like a cross between a fashionable ostrich and a molting swan. it was like one of her rejected Dancing with the Stars outfits. Just horrible…

Most “You Finally Listened to My Advice!” Person on the Show:

Surprisingly, this one goes to Melissa. I have been harping and harping on her all season for how much she over-uses her hands, arms, and gestures. Well, tonight her hands barely budged for the whole two hours. I don’t give her complete credit, though, since it’s plain to see that the gigantic red, plastic bracelet on one of her wrists is clearly holding everything down. But I’m all for whatever makes her remember to stop gesticulating wildly. Go girl!

Line That I Need a Stoner to Explain to Me:

After being eliminated, Weather Guy is doing his back seat limo interview and tells us, “This game is like love and life amplified and compacted.” Drop some LSD and discuss. Woah…dude….

Biggest “Ooo! I Can’t WAIT!” Moment:

TIE

1. In the previews for next week, we see the competition is going to be everyone answering really scandalous questions about each other: “Who has the worst boob job? Who is the fakest?” I can’t wait to hear the answers and see the reactions of the people who are going to be the answers to those questions. We get tons of shots of all kinds of girls sobbing and hiding their faces in shame. Awesome stuff.

2. During one commercial break, they announce that ABC will run a “live news conference” (whatever the heck THAT means) to announce the newest cast for Dancing with the Stars. Bring it on!

I hope that was enough to satisfy your trash TV appetites this week. Some of you tell me that you like these types of postings better than the ones with all of the details anyway, so hopefully I have appeased at least a few of you! But I’m sorry this one is shorter than usual.

Keep showing me your support by liking After the Rose over on Facebook. Over 600 people read this blog last week, but only 28 people like my Facebook page? So sad. Show me some love…pretty please?

Catch you next week for all of the post-“Who has the worst boob job?” drama!

Bachelor Pad -- Episode Two, or "Lavender Oil, Fashion Faux Pas, and Hookers in Tutus"

Welcome back, Bachelor Pad fans!

Well, this week we added a new continent to our fan base. I see on my little map that this blog had a hit from Egypt this past week, so I want to welcome the continent of Africa to our little party here. That officially makes fans from six of the seven continents. If any of you know a scientist or penguin down in Antarctica who’s a fan of train wreck TV, let them know about this site!

Also this week there were hits from the Czech Republic, Barbados, and Peru. Welcome, welcome one and all! Thanks for checking this site out and telling your friends about it around the world.

Now let’s get to last night…

First of all, I have to say that two hours is definitely too long for this show. Last week made sense since they spent a long time introducing all of the contestants coming out of their limos and showing clips of them getting dumped. That took up a good half hour. But last night just felt really long – especially when I looked at the clock and realized that after the second date was done there was still going to be half an hour until the Rose Ceremony.

If the show were an hour long, I think it would be too short, but two hours is too long. I like that two hours lets us see much more of everyone’s personalities and all of the backstabbing, etc., but there isn’t enough of all of that (yet) and most of it just feels like way over-edited filler. Maybe ABC could run it as an hour and a half and then fill in the empty half hour with a rerun of Modern Family? Just a suggestion…

Onward…

The Pie Eating Contest, or Is That a Cherry on Your Neck, or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

After re-running the exact same season preview that they ran at the start of the show last week (“Writhing mostly-nude bodies! Crotch close-ups! Hand vomiting! Tears! Tears! More tears!), the producers cut to a shot of everyone who survived last week’s Rose Ceremony coming back inside the mansion and happy they aren’t in the back of a limo right now.

Champagne glasses magically appear in all of their hands, and they all cheers each other. Dave tells us he’s happy he wasn’t the first one kicked off. Jesse K. tells us that he was “super nervous” about being first, and his sorta-girlfriend Elizabeth says the same.

Then Jesse tells us that he’s learned his lesson after coming so close to being eliminated last week. He hurt Elizabeth and she’s tight with a lot of girls who can vote him out. “I’m actually realizing being in a couple is a better strategy than being alone,” he tells us. Unfortunately, Jesse, you’re in a couple with a chick who’s being edited to look all kinds of psycho, so this may not be the best strategy for you. Fair warning.

Next we cut to Natalie and Tattoo Jesse walking outside. “God you’re sexy,” Jesse whispers, and I’m not sure if he’s talking to Natalie or actually addressing his creator. I’ll assume it’s Natalie he means (but that will change once she comes out in that god-awful pink tutu she wears during the Rose Ceremony later…)

They sit outside on a couch and Jesse tells Natalie that he trusts her. To us he says, “She’s a rad chick,” and I feel just a little bummed that it seems Jesse is one of those guys who is smokin’ hot hot hot until he opens his mouth and tries to talk. Bummer.

On the couch, Natalie is getting all insecure about Jesse liking her. She’s worried about her hair and worried that Jesse is so hot. “I haven’t met someone like him in like…ever!” she enthuses. I’m guessing that by doing Bachelor reunion cruises and the college bar “meet and greet” circuit, Natalie’s not really meeting the cream of the crop in terms of guys who’d like a long-term relationship. Check out some of the followers on her Twitter page for the evidence of that: Natalie's Twitter Page

Natalie quickly gets over all of her insecurities, however, as Tattoo Jesse leans in for a big make-out session and starts to pin her back down on the couch. Her mom must be so proud to watch her daughter go at it with a basic stranger! Brings tears to the eyes, doesn’t it?

We go to a commercial, and when we come back it’s morning time. We get lots of shots of people looking bleary and rubbing their eyes.

Big Nikki apparently wakes up in game mode because she’s already got her mouth going with some of the girls about some of the cliques she sees forming in the house. At this point, she calls it “the vocal girls” against the “cutesy, sweet” girls which is Big Nikki code for, “Those loud bitches are working my last nerve!”

Peyton lays it out by getting more specific. She tells Nikki that their little clique includes the two of them, Gwen, Krisily, and Gia. Ooo…battle lines being drawn…

Everyone gathers in the living room and Melissa comes in to tell them all to “Get up and get outside!” for this week’s challenge. We’ve already seen in the previews that the contestants are about to have a pie-eating contest and that it ain’t gonna be pretty.

“I hate pie,” Gia says, which automatically makes her my frontrunner for winning this. She’s concerned that the guys want her out because she’s a super hot chick with a bangin’ bod who has a boyfriend back home and is therefore off limits to them all. Why would they want to keep a girl like that around? Gia wants to know.

Chris Harrison is outside too and lets them know that guys and girls will compete separately. Because we all know how much Gwen can wolf down and it just wouldn’t be a fair fight between her and the burly guys, right?

Melissa tells the contestants that the first person to finish all of their pie will be the winner and that (GASP!) they are not allowed to use their hands! I mean, have you ever HEARD of such a thing? No hands at a pie-eating contest?! But that will mean that they will get their faces all messy! It might even go in their hair and down their necks! You are a smooth, crafty one Mrs. Rycroft-Strickland.

I laugh at the irony that she says they can’t use their hands while she uses her hands to show them that they can’t use their hands. This girl is totally useless on this show. Why is she even there? I guess the producers thought that since it’s guys and girls in the house that they needed a guy and girl host. Fail on that one, producers.

And can we just stop for a moment and discuss Chris Harrison’s wardrobe throughout this episode? I mean, what the heck? The shirt he’s wearing for this segment looks like a blue-and-white checkered tablecloth that they might lay down for the next round of pie-eating. If any of you are interested in emulating the esteemed Mr. Harrison’s swingin’ style, I found it on sale for you at Sur Le Table: Click Here and You Too Can Look Like Chris Harrison!

(Sadly, his fashion choices get worse as the night progresses. More on that later…)

The pie-eating contest is about to begin, but now we see Krisily approaching Chris looking like she’s about ready to break down. She informs him that she had her gall bladder removed and that her system won’t be able to handle eating all of that pie. “$250,000 is not worth going to the hospital!” she tells him, and I quite agree (although wasn’t there just a teensy part of you that hoped she went for it anyway and ended up in the ER? Just a TEENSY bit? Anyone? Sigh…)

Dave is the first contestant of the evening to use the mind-numbingly repeated phrase of the night – “chopping block”. I stopped counting but “chopping block” had to have been said at least ten times last night, so it now counts as an official drinking game, replacing Crazy Kasey’s “guard and protect her heart” from last season.

Dave tells us that Krisily is “definitely on the chopping block” and that it was a bad move to have bowed out of the pie-eating. “She should have tried to suck it up,” he announces to the camera. Um, Dave, girl has no gall bladder. That means she can’t process fats too well, which I’m guessing are the main ingredients in not only the filling, but also the crust. Ease up and take off your shirt so we can all ogle you. There. Good boy…

The ladies are up first. We get a funny shot of them all sitting down at the long picnic table and removing their tops at the same time to reveal bikini tops and sports bras. This is how Bachelor Pad does “Hot Girl” pie-eating, I guess.

Chris counts them down and yells, “Go!” and the ladies have at the pie. Right off the bat, things get gross as pie debris gets mashed into everyone’s faces. Elizabeth nicely tells us that the pie tastes like when you throw up just a little pie in your mouth. “It was absolutely disgusting!” she yells, and we thank her oh-so-much for that graphic description as we all throw up just a little bit for real in our own mouths listening to her.

Tenley is the queen of going from an angelic, cherubic expression to ones of utter horror and terror, and this contest is no exception. Why can I not stop laughing whenever I see Tenley’s face contorted into paroxysms of pain and emotion? “I don’t like it anymore!” she wails, but keeps at it. Then we get some great in-your-face close-ups of her starting to heave.

“This is brutal to watch, “ Kiptyn now says as he watches the girl he supposedly is crushing on spewing pie chunks all over the assemblage. Yeah, Kiptyn, that’s the mouth you’re gonna be kissin’ on later. Enjoy that, OK?

Big Nikki sums up my thoughts exactly when she says, “I’m surprised any of these boys would be romantically interested in any of us after seeing all that.” Then we cut to shots of more gagging, puking into buckets, and Natalie running over to the bushes in her effort to avoid hurling on her friends. I think a lot of these barf shots were staged, but the producers got the intended effect. It was all super gross.

For his part, Dave waxes philosophical and tells us that the whole experience “…brought us all together…” Tenley keeps making hilarious faces like she’s either having a surprise colonoscopy or like her mom just told her that her favorite little kitty cat just got run over by the garbage truck. “I don’t want to get disqualified!” she yells as she plugs away at what has now become her pie sludge.

Over on the other side of the table, the producers have begun the set-up for one of the fakest romances on the show so far. Wes is standing behind Gia and coaching her on how to get her pie out of the tin and down her gullet. “Listening to his voice made me get through it,” Gia sighs. Now I’m puking too.

We get a funny cut-away interview with Fake Flight Attendant Ashley, who still has pie debris caked all over her face. She can’t believe that the two smallest girls there – Tenley and Gia – are neck-and-neck for the win here. Neither can I until I realize that Gia is a model and is probably used to eating a lot of food but never gaining weight or getting bigger. You can read into that what you will. I’m just sayin’ I wasn’t too surprised when she won.

So Gia wins the pie-eating contest. She’s excited. We cut to a shot of Tenley on her knees in the grass. We cut to a commercial just in time for it to be the guys’ turn next. “I’m not going into it feeling like I’m the Number One,” Weather Man warns us, and so we know he’s going to win for the guys before the contest even starts.

We’re back from commercial now and the guys are taking their turn sitting down at the long picnic table. Immediately, I notice a major double-standard happening. Why did the girls all take their tops off, but the guys are keeping their shirts on? Harumph…

Weather Man again tells us he’s not going to win. “I am an underdog. I am definitely on the chopping block!” he bemoans. (Hoist ‘em if you got ‘em!)

Jesse K. is confident. All the big burly guys think they have this in the bag, and their girls all think so too. This just makes us seasoned reality TV veterans know that the burly guys will be the first ones blowing chunks, right?

They get to the pie, but not before we get a cutaway interview with Elizabeth who not only has pie debris caked all over her face, but also all the way down her neck. How long do you think the producers made the girls all wear their pie before they got to wash it off?

“The guys can eat everything all over the house, and we get to the competition and they sucked!” Elizabeth complains.

This is an understatement as we see the bigger guys slow down after only a few bites, while the smaller guys like Weather Man and Craig are happily plugging away. At one point, Craig even takes his manly, full head of flowing hair and rubs it all inside the pie filling. “My hair’s a multi-purpose tool!” he shouts. “It can suck up some pie!” Visions of, “Feed me, Seymour! Feed me!’ pop into our heads as Craig’s hair now has taken on a life of its own. Chris Harrison notes that this hair-dipping is a good strategy, and who knows? Cherry pie filling may even turn out to be a good conditioner. (Mental note to watch Craig’s hair for the rest of the show to see how this all turns out for him.)

Next we cut away to Rat Fink Jessie and she has the requisite “I-finished-eating-pie-three-hours-ago-but-the-producers-won’t-let-me-wash-it-off-until-after-I-do-my-interview-and-they-made-me-wait-to-be-last-so-it’s-REALLY-gnarly-and-hardened-now” look on her face as she tells us that Weather Man is “like a machine” when he eats. Tenley tells us she wants Kiptyn to win and secretly hopes he didn’t see her face as she was hurling pie chunks everywhere.

Now it’s down to Weather Man, Kiptyn, and Wes, who are all very close to being done. And of course Weather Man wins since he’s been saying this whole time that he won’t. Dave is impressed. “It was impressive,” he says. “He’s good at eatin’ pie. He’s got that goin’ for him. I’m dumb as a stump, but these are my nipples. Check 'em out...”

Melissa gives Gia and Weather Man their roses and we get a really funny quick shot of Craig’s hair, which he has now spiked up with cherry pie sludge to look like Ed Grimley from Saturday Night Live. If you don’t know who that is, think Alfalfa from The Little Rascals meets Pee Wee Herman.

Jesse K. is pissed he lost. Craig is nervous since he knows he’s not safe this week. “I need that rose,” he says. At this point in the competition, the producers have totally dropped any formality with people’s names. Jonathan is always “Weather Man” in the titles under his interviews. Jesse K. is always “Kovacs”. So I will switch to those too for continuity’s sake.

Weather Man’s Date with the Girls, or “Buffet and Bikini Date with Christ”

After the pie-eating, the conniving begins about who will invite whom on dates. Gia clutches her stomach and sits outside with Weather Man strategizing. Gia is smart enough to see the divisions already in the house and knows that Natalie, Elizabeth, and Tenley will all vote together. She tells Weather Man that he needs to save some of the girls in the outsider group if they have a shot of winning this.

Next the fake doorbell rings (yay!) and it heralds the arrival of the first Date Card of the night.

Krisily takes a page from Ali’s book and tells us that it’s “impor-int” for the guys to like and trust her so she can stay as long as possible. “The only way to be safe is to hope Weather Man takes me out on the date and try to get a rose,” Krisily tells us in her apparently broken English and tobacco-scarred voice.

Then, in our first major editing faux pas of the series, we see her walk into the house via a back or side door to deliver the Date Card. I presume the ominous doorbell sound was supposed to be coming from the FRONT door, right? Then why is the card coming in a side door with curtains in front of it?

Weather Man reads his Date Card aloud: “Reveal your true selves. No brushes allowed! Which three ladies will be joining you?” They’re not even trying this season, huh?

He picks Gwen first, which shocks her as much as it does us. He puts on a faux-flattering voice and tells the group it’s because she rooted him on. “I probably couldn’t have eaten all that pie without you,” he says to her.

Next he picks Peyton (no reason given) and then lastly chooses Ashley (again…no reason given). Cut to a shot of Krisily with a fake smile on her face, seething that she didn’t get picked.

Kovacs notices that Weather Man only chose girls who “…haven’t hooked up with anyone in the house.” Weather Man tells us that those are exactly the girls he needs on his side. “This is business, and we’ve got stuff to talk about.” Again, this is the weakest part of the show for me. These shouldn’t be called dates. They should be called rewards or perks or something. No one is under any delusions that there will be actual romance. The only reason people invite or get invited on dates is for strategy pure and simple.

The foursome gets into a limo and ends up in a warehouse-looking district. I cross my fingers that there won’t be some lame rock group playing music just around the corner, and (PHEW!) they go inside to do what else? Body painting! As in…literally using your body as a brush to paint.

Melissa is waiting for them inside and tells them with an interpretative hand dance to have fun body painting. Then she struts out in her very high heels and black sparkly pants.

Ashley is nervous and says she would never have done something like this before. I like her and believe her. She seems like one of those “fish out of water” types on this show. I’m not sure why she was cast over other, more volatile girls, other than maybe she was the only one left who wanted to do the show, still had a knockout body, and cleared the STD screenings. She seems too wholesome and innocent to be on this porno of a show.

Weather Man is there to break the tension, though, as he holds up his fingers in a rock star pose behind a screen and yells, “Are you ready for ‘Speedo the Sequel’?” The girls all laugh and clutch at themselves as he comes out in the same Speedo he wore for the calendar shoot during Ali’s season – although this time there’s no wussy duckie innertube to wrap around his nether regions. It’s all out there for the world to see (or not see as the case may be…ahem…)

The girls remark how timid he was before and how confident he is now. “This time he’s as smooth as can be!” one says, and it makes me realize that Weather Guy has absolutely not one hair anywhere on his body besides his head. Not one. Chest, legs, back, face…all completely smooth, which just adds to his overall weird look in that Speedo.

The girls strip down to their bikinis and the fun begins. Weather Guy suggests they make their handprints all around the edges of the canvas. Ooo…that’s hot! Then, of course, the fun ramps up as they start pouring paint on each other and rolling around on canvas on the floor. One of the girls dumps a whole bucket of paint on him and he does his interview with green goo flowing down his head and face. All is going according to plan, he tells us.

Next we see a shot of Peyton on her belly with her arms and legs in the air. They are spinning her around in the slippery paint. She tells them that she feels like a human merry-go-round. “Who wants a ride?” she asks, and I laugh out loud at the double-entendre.

Back at the mansion we get scenes of hot tub and outdoor frivolity. It sounds like a frat party is going on with whoops and laughing and naked bodies. Cut to an interior shot of Krisily and Nikki and Gia inside and feeling bitter. They know they are now officially on the outside even though they are now sitting inside (Oh, the irony!)

They make plans for trying to keep themselves around longer. They think they should keep Craig around since that will force the insider girls to have to vote out an insider guy, thus reducing their numbers. Then the outsiders will have a clear majority. Gia thinks she has the power to change the game.

Krisily tells the group of bitter babes, “If it all works out, it might possibly be the best rose ceremony EVER!” Um, Krisily, that’s Chris Harrison’s line. You over-stepped your bounds. There’s a car to take you away now. Here’s a carton of Marlboros and some Rice-a-Roni. Thanks for playing. Buh-bye…

Back on the date we get a weird religious reference as the camera closes in on what looks like a holy scene on stained glass. Have they been body painting in a church?! Is Gwen leading them all in Bible verses? Have they accidentally been doing this all in a nunnery? As the camera pulls out, we realize it’s just supposed to be cool art on a warehouse wall that hangs over what looks like a buffet table. Jesus would be proud.

“It’s amazing how much body painting can take out of you!” one of the girls says in her most vapid way. Poor thing. You must be so tired after all of that rolling around in your swimsuit on national TV. Take a break and eat some food under a depiction of the Passion of the Christ, OK?

Weather Man pulls Peyton aside first. On the regular show, this would be a time to get to know each other and see if there’s any chemistry. But tonight it’s all strategy. Peyton says that the house is split and he agrees. He thinks the ladies should vote off Kiptyn this week and also tells her that Gia is on their side too. Peyton says she’s on board with the plan. “Mission accomplished!” Weather Guy tells us. Such a romantic ending, dontcha think?

Back at the mansion, Kiptyn is wondering why Weather Guy chose the girls he did. Natalie says Weather Guy is clever and a “…smart little cherry wolfer…” Elizabeth tells them that she thinks Ashley will stay on their side, although she acknowledges that Ashley is smart and is playing the game hard like everyone else.

Now we go back to Weather Man’s date, and he’s chatting with Ashley. She says she’s nervous because she’s close with the insider girls. Weather Guy advises her to “…look out for Number One or don’t…” and says she has to do what’s best to keep herself in the game. The camera gives us a close-up of her holding Weather Man’s hand and touching his arm while they talk, but again I’m not buying that there was one second of romance between them on this date.

Weather Guy tells us that his biggest goal was to get Ashley to flip to the outsiders’ side, and he thinks he did it. He says he feels like a Puppet Master, which must make Ashley feel real good watching the playback at home.

Now it’s time for one-on-one with Gwen. I immediately notice that the music changes for this part to something that kind of sounds like New Orleans jazz. Also, Gwen gets her date up outside on the roof and not inside like the other two. This is the part of the show where the producers attempt to make us believe that sparks are flying when they really never started.

They get to chatting and discover that they have SO MUCH in common! They both love tennis, they both love to be creative, they both love Positano, Italy, they both breathe oxygen, and they both know how to spell their own names. Ooo…that’s a foundation for romance if I’ve ever heard one.

Weather Guy leaves the rooftop to go get something and we get a sad sack shot of Ashley as she watches him pick up the rose, but not give it to her. Instead, he heads back up to the roof and asks Gwen if she will accept it. She of course says yes since no one knows who she is and so her days are even more numbered now. Girl needs all the safety she can get.

“Gwen is hot head to toe,” Weather Guy says, but then we get an interview with Gwen where she tells us the truth: “A lot of people in the house think Jonathan likes me, but that’s not gonna happen…in a million years…guaranteeing that!” Ouch, Weather Guy!

We find out that he should have kept his libido in his Speedo and given the rose to Ashley. She tells us that she committed to him, but now that she didn’t get a rose she’s not sure what she’s going to do in terms of voting.

And fade to a commercial…

Gia’s Date with the Guys, or “If This Tent’s Moroccan, Don’t Bother Knockin’!”

We come back to all the guys trying to kiss up to Gia since she gets to decide which three guys are going on the next date with her. She opts to take Weather Man outside for some alone time to recap his date. She wants Craig to get the rose tonight, but Weather Man doesn’t trust Craig. Gia reminds him that both he and Craig are outsiders and so they have to stick together. He suddenly sees the light and agrees….Craig should get the rose tonight.

Then he tells Gia that Ashley is on their side now. He worked his manly charms on her and spun her into his web of deceit and intrigue. Gia quickly dashes this fantasy world by telling him that Ashley is in no way on their side and that she lied to Weather Man on their date. “Do not trust Ashley!” Gia reprimands him.

Peyton comes over and Gia wants her to tell Weather Man too not to trust Ashley. Peyton confirms that Ashley is lying and Weather Man backs off and says he’ll stick with the original plan of making sure Craig gets the rose tonight.

“You’re so blinded by it all and I love you and I want you here!” Gia laments. They hug and all is right with the Bachelor Pad world. I’m getting tired of Weather Man on this episode. Enough airtime already…

The scary doorbell rings again and Kovacs goes outside to scoop up the Date Card. He says that Craig is on the chopping block (OK drinkers…take your shots!) and then Craig also tells us he is on the chopping block (Hic!) just in case we weren’t aware that there was a block used for chopping and that he was on it right now. No…really…

Gia reads the Date Card out loud: “Love is intense (in tents?) Now it’s time to pick your date. Which three men will you choose?” Another lame card. Boo hiss.

Gia first chooses Wes since we saw the chemistry building up during the pie-eating when he told her to dump the crust out of the tin and on to the table. Gia selects Craig next, and we cut to a shot of Natalie laughing at that. Gia has one name left and she tells the crowd that she’s going to put the other guys’ names on pieces of paper and put them into a bowl to randomly draw out the last name. They all think this is a fun, fair way to do it, but sneaky Gia has a few tricks up her sleeve. She has secretly written Tattoo Jesse’s name on ALL the slips of paper so it HAS to be him as the winner! Genius, huh?

So of course she selects Tattoo Jesse’s name as the third guy for the date. She says she needs him on her side since he’s not really an insider either (even though he’s makin’ it with Natalie who IS an insider). Gia thinks she has a lot of control tonight and she tells us she’s “nervous excited” for the date to begin.

And now a word from our sponsors…

We come back to the show and Gia, her gigantic earrings, and her three guys are in a limo pulling up to where their date will be. We see a big, Moroccan-style tent set up in the distance. “It’s no longer a popularity contest,” Gia assures us. “I’m going with making the game fair.”

They all walk into the tent, which is very plush and filled with pillows and gold-colored accessories everywhere. They use words like “intense”, “awesome”, and “beautiful” and I notice no one used words like post-Byzantine, neo-African, or High Colonial. Guess we took different Art History classes in college, huh?

So if Weather Man’s date was totally useless, Gia’s is even worse since she has a serious boyfriend at home. Before it even starts we know there will be no making out, no naked bodies, no nuttin’. Tattoo Jesse tells us he’s been wanting to meet Gia for quite some time and that he wants to get to know her.

Craig gets the first one-on-one time with Gia where he tells her he knows he’s an underdog this week.

(Cut back quickly to the mansion where Kiptyn is telling Kovacs he knows he’s screwed if Craig gets the rose tonight. Kovacs thinks HE might be next to go, not Kiptyn. It’s just all so much to keep track of, isn’t it?)

Now we are back with Craig and Gia and Gia lives up to her dumb model stereotype by telling him, “I know you’re thinking your fate relies in my hands.” Huh? “relies in my hands”? Maybe she meant lies down again? But then how could Craig’s fate do THAT?! I don’t get it…

Gia tells Craig flat out that she will be giving him the rose tonight. She lays out the outsider girls’ strategy, he smiles, they hug, and it’s a done deal. Or is it? Craig says he believes her when she says he’ll get the rose tonight. “She made me feel at ease,” he tells us, but forgets that’s what hookers models are paid to do.

(We get a quick cut back to the mansion where nothing of note happens except for the fact that Elizabeth has yet another hairdo. Now it’s straight. Is it just me, or in every segment tonight is her hair different?)

Now we’re back to the “in-tents” date and Gia is painting henna on to Tattoo Jesse’s hands. Then he paints her hand. The whole time I think he’s chewing gum and I’m about to lay into him in the blog about how gross that is on a date, but then I realize he’s popping food in his mouth the whole time and it’s just him chewing it.

They chat, but it’s very stilted, which only plays up the fact that there aren’t too many beautiful people in the world who are smart enough to hold a good conversation. Gia tells Tattoo Jesse her whole plan, and then makes us burst out laughing when she tells him, “Don’t, like, repeat this to Natalie!” I guess she hasn’t seen what we’ve been seeing between Tattoo Jesse and Natalie. He won’t be able to tell Natalie anything because his tongue is so far down her throat that he’s tasting cherry pie (Did that go too far? Sorry. You know it’s true!)

Tattoo Jesse puts the smooth moves back on to Gia when he tells her, “It’s not gonna be hard for me to do that. I’m here for the $250,000. That’s it…and to meet you!” Uh oh. Sucks to be “this guy is so dreamy and too good to be true” Natalie right now, huh?

Back at the mansion, Elizabeth is telling Kovacs that he should direct what they do. She says she’s been scheming all wrong and then asks him, “God, why am I so dumb? You know what I am? I’m a dumb smart girl!” Um…OK, Elizabeth. Still waiting to see the “smart” part of that sentence, but you keep on with your bad self.

Then the episode turns into soft-core porn as she asks him, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” Cue X-rated music as they start to make out in the hot tub. Apparently, yes, there IS something she can do to make it up to Kovacs. He’s easy like that.

Next the cameras cut to a shower scene. The white curtain is closed so we can’t see who’s really back there or what’s really going on. What we can see is that creepy blue light that seems to be everywhere on these shows. It’s glowing from behind the curtain, which means that at some point a lighting person had to put it in there (or in the window next to the shower), position it just right for the intended effect, and then let the young lovers exchange their bodily fluids.

We hear Elizabeth and Kovacs make all the requisite moaning and giggling noises, but we’re never quite sure if they’re really back there really doing what we think they are doing, or if they dubbed those sound bites in afterwards. The producers even give us a shot of the steam wafting up to the ceiling. Get it? Steamy? They don’t miss a beat, those guys…

We leave the happy couple happily fornicating in a shower in front of camera and lighting guys making sure the other one is clean and fresh-smelling. Elizabeth says, “I haven’t been in love in so long that it’s just fun to feel! Yay me! I rule! And what other way can I change my hairstyle tonight?”

Back on Gia’s date, it’s Wes’s turn now. She makes him sit on a table and then breaks out some sort of lavender oil. She rubs it on his hand, which for some reason makes her laugh so hard she has to stop and double over with how funny she thinks it is. For his part, Wes just sits there like a robot staring off into nothing and repeating, “I love it... I love it…” For some reason, Wes repeats what he says a lot. I hadn’t noticed it until tonight. Then he tells Gia that he feels “all basted up” even though just part of his fingers even touched the oil.

Gia tells him that he surprised her. She thought he was going to be arrogant, but she thinks he seems like a really good guy. Wes answers back that he has no strategy and lays on the charm by saying, “I’m crazy about you. I really am. I think you’re beautiful, funny, you’re smart, witty, you’re quick…Gia…you are amazing…honestly..honestly…” (another repeat from Wes!)

Alas, Wes knows that Gia will never be his because she’s the one with the serious boyfriend back home. They hug and she starts to cry. I’m not sure why the waterworks start here.  Because Wes just brought up her boyfriend and she misses him? Because she can’t have Wes without cheating on her boyfriend? Because she’s scared Wes is going to sing his stupid cowboy song again?

Through the tears, Gia says to Wes, “Everyone’s got it wrong about you. You’re nothing what I expected…nothing at all…nothing…” Uh oh. Now Gia is repeating stuff too! Quick! “Um..Security? We need a small talk advisor to the Moroccan tent ASAP. We’ve got an “I-don’t-know-what-to-say-so-I’ll-just-repeat-the-last word-I-said-“ emergency!”

They hug some more and Gia is turned off by a guy who smells like lavender being torn between what she promised Craig and what a surprise Wes has been for her. She’s confused and not sure who she should give the rose to. This made up drama is just getting sillier and sillier, huh?

We come back from the commercial break, and we’re back at the mansion. Krisily is saying that Gia would be smart to keep Craig around and Weather Man agrees with her. Krisily says that it needs to be a fair fight between the insiders and the outsiders, and that right now it’s not.

We go back to Gia and her over-inflated sense of importance. “This rose carries so much weight and so much meaning in this game right now,” she reports to us. Then she goes against what she said she would do and gives the rose to Wes, not Craig. SHOCK!

Craig’s response to the situation is, “That’s a kick in the butt!” but he gets some semblance of revenge on Wes when we can clearly see that the flower Gia pinned on Wes’s lapel is slowly drooping down just like Wes’s rose was last year. Wes needs a flower fluffer on this show.

“I just messed up the whole game plan,” Gia moans and then blames it all on Wes and his wily cowboy, girlfriend-cheatin’, bachelorette heart-breakin’ ways. “Morally, I did the right thing,” she assures us. Thanks for letting us know that, Gia, oh you…the queen of moral choices. Shall we rewind to last week’s Twister game? Is your mama proud of all the moral choices you’ve been making? I’m just wonderin’…

Fallout from the Dates, or “Rat Fink Jessie Gets a Quickie While Nikki Turns Tricky!”

They go back to the mansion and Wes thanks Gia for the rose in front of the whole group. Dave is happy because he thinks now Craig is leaving next. Krisily says, “It was a stupid choice!” since Gia went against their agreed-upon plan.

Next we see Dave and Rat Fink Jessie in the hot tub together. What they don’t know is that the producers have edited in shots of Krisily sitting on a bench outside to make it look like she can listen in on the whole conversation, like Dave and Rat Fink wouldn’t see her sitting right there. Another example of bad editing.

Jessie thinks that the power is with the insider crowd. Rat Fink tells Dave that she’s pretending to be on the outsiders’ team, but she really isn’t playing for them. Then they make out a bunch. These scenes are interspersed with shots of Krisily still sitting outside on the bench and touching her face. So faked. Apparently, though, action must be taken.

Next we cut to the driveway out in front of the house where we see Krisily waiting alone. Out of the front door comes a figure who, as it gets closer, we realize is Kiptyn. Ooo…a clandestine rendezvous that was not at all orchestrated by the producers. Not one bit!

She tells Kiptyn that, “Jessie is a snake…She’s playing both sides!” She also wants it known that she is above all of the drama in the house (even though she’s igniting it as she speaks) by telling Kiptyn, “I tried to play Switzerland!” Wait…what? Come again? Krisily understands world history enough to make a metaphor out of Switzerland during wartime? Wow. This girl may be deeper than I thought. Or she may have just copied it from some movie. Or maybe Switzerland is the name of a drinking game I don’t know about? That’s probably it.

After another commercial, we see Kovacs saying he’s relieved that Craig didn’t get the rose because now he will get voted out and the insiders will have all the power. Krisily is aggravated that Gia gave the rose to Wes.

Gia and Tattoo Jesse are hanging out near her bunk. She’s lying down in her bikini and telling him how many scars she has. He tells us that “Gia is definitely more girlfriend material than Natalie…Natalie is super flirty..” which signals some bad news about to come for Natalie.

Next we see Tattoo Jesse and Natalie out by the pool. He tells her that she’s flirtatious and she says, “I have no shame. I don’t care,” which was patently obvious last week with the full on crotch view we got and the amount of times she told everyone she wasn’t wearing any underwear. The mood turns somber, though, as Jesse tells her that he knows she’s flirty and that he just wants to be friends. Aww…poor Natalie. Another meaningful relationship down the drain. “He just broke my heart,” she tells us.

Cut to her laying her head down on Tenley’s lap for comfort. She’s crying, but through the tears somehow manages to keep her eyes on the prize: “I just need to focus on the money!”

Cut to Tattoo Jesse, who tells us that “Nat is definitely a cool kid,” but that this whole thing has made him realize that being in a relationship in the house is not a good idea. Hmmm…didn’t Kovacs just realize the exact opposite thing earlier this episode? I wonder who will end up being right?

Back to Gia and she has hatched a new plan: the five outsider girls will vote for Kiptyn and the five insider girls will vote for Craig. Since Gia won the rose at the pie-eating contest, she and her big, dangly earrings will get to break the tie and she will send Kiptyn home. Problem solved!

Now it’s nighttime and everyone is getting all gussied up for the Rose Ceremony. Chris comes in and taps his ever-present glass to assemble everyone. It is immediately apparent that whoever dressed Chris for tonight’s show was suffering from a severe lack of taste and pattern-matching skills. Chris is wearing a lavender tie with dark purple polka dots, and this has been “matched” with a shirt that is the exact same tablecloth checkered pattern as the previous shirt, but this time black and white. I’m guessing this outfit is pay-off for that bet he made with Jake that he and Vienna would last longer than a year. Never doubt a pilot limousine company owner, Chris! Lesson learned.

We cut to Krisily and the big, dangly earrings of death are now attacking her as well. Poor thing.

Chris tries to do his best Jeff Probst while everyone is gathered for Tribal Council another excuse to drink alcohol. He starts asking everyone how things are going in the house. Craig answers that a lot of them are nervous. Elizabeth says no one knows who they can trust.

Chris asks Elizabeth how her relationship is going. She gets all quiet like he’s called her out for something bad, and then tells him that there’s nothing different between her relationship with Kovacs and Tenley’s relationship with Kiptyn.

Suddenly, Tenley interrupts with the line of the night. “Well…there may be physical differences!” Oh yes she did! Tenley just went and called Elizabeth out for having sex with her boyfriend on national television. This comment totally shuts Elizabeth down for a minute. She’s at a complete loss for what to say to this, since it’s 100% true. She and Kovacs had sex in the shower. Tenley and Kiptyn are staying chaste until marriage and keep their minds off sex by feeding the birds that chirp around Tenley all day and the singing squirrels who tuck her in at night.

Elizabeth finally comes to her senses after the verbal bitch slap from Tenley and says to her, “Thanks for calling me out on that. It felt rude!”

Cut to Tenley’s happy, smiling face completely crumpling into anguish and agony once she realizes that she’s pissed off Elizabeth. Susan Lucci has nothing on our girl Tenley. She can cry on a second’s notice. For her part, Elizabeth is staring her down with an “I’ll get you my pretty! And your chirping forest animals TOO!” look on her face and green smoke coming out from her ears.

Wes gets philosophical during all of this and tells Chris, “Imagine what it’s gonna get like when stuff gets real. It’s gonna get ugly.” Um, Wes. I think Tenley just REALLY called Elizabeth a two-bit ho on TV and I think Tenley REALLY feels bad about it. How much more real were you expecting things to get?

Now Rat Fink Jessie is telling us that if there are people in the house who can’t be trusted or who are playing both sides, that they need to be confronted with that. Gia is of course sitting right next to her during this whole speech and staring her down since she knows Rat Fink is doing just that. “I think the person knows (who they are)...” Gia says while shooting daggers from her eyes right towards Rat Fink.

Chris says he can feel the tension in the air and see the tears in Tenley’s eyes. Rat Fink Jessie says she’s not worried about tonight’s vote. “We’re gonna see if it all works in my favor,” she says. Yes we will, Rat Fink. Yes we will.

After another commercial we get a shot of the moon rising. Ooo…dramatic! Peyton is saying that she thinks the new outsider plan is all wrong. “The decision is made. We’re sending Kiptyn home,” she proclaims to the other outsider girls.

Back on the insider team Elizabeth (with a new hairstyle AGAIN) pulls out her SAT words and says to the group, “It behooves us to get rid of all the outsiders!” Really? Behooves? You mean a girl who can have sex in the shower on national TV also knows how to use the word “behooves”? Maybe I have Elizabeth all wrong? Nah.

Now the voting starts. Ashley shows that she really was lying to Weather Guy and votes for Craig. So do Tenley and Natalie. No surprises there.

But the voting is interrupted by a conversation between Dave and Rat Fink Jessie. He’s heard rumors that she’s in cahoots with Craig and playing both sides. Is it true? He wants to know what’s rumor and what isn’t. Jessie gets all upset. “I just don’t understand it!” she laments, and tells him she is squarely on the side of the insiders. Dave tells her he’s going to have to go back to the insider guys and do some work with them to get them back on her side. Jessie says she was totally blindsided by it all. Then she goes in and votes for Craig.

There’s an interesting side interview with Kovacs here where he’s talking about Rat Fink Jessie staying or leaving. “I…we…want her to stay for our own clique…er…group…” This is very telling because it shows us that he knows there are cliques in the house. He’d better be careful using that word in front of other contestants, though. Elizabeth might whip out “supercilious” or “nadir” and then it would all be over.

The insider guys discuss options, and they say they should all vote for Krisily. I laugh because Dave and Weather Man still say her name like it’s two words – Krissy Lee. This girl must not get around much if after this much time people still don’t know what her real name is.

We see them talking in the kitchen, and for a second my eye is caught by something on the counter. I freeze the DVR and…oh my GOD! Did you SEE how many bottles of alcohol there are on the counter? The entire counter (which takes up almost a whole wall of the kitchen) is covered in all sorts of bottles. I know there are a ton of people there, but wow. That explains a lot, doesn’t it?

We go back to the voting room and Weather Guy votes for Rat Fink Jessie. So does Tattoo Jesse.

Krisily thinks she’s the one going home tonight and tells Nikki that. Nikki thinks they need to vote out cliques, even though she’s in one. Apparently big earrings and big boobs do not equal big brains in this house.

Now the insider guys are outside discussing more options. For all the pains the producers went to for light during the shower sex scene, the lighting guy must have been on a coffee break for this segment. It’s almost impossible to see any of the guys in the dark while they discuss how to save Kiptyn. They quickly realize that they need to swing one of the outsider girls to vote for Craig instead. They all think Big Nikki would be a good choice for this, and they send Kiptyn after her to work his wiles on her and flex his abs in her face until she melts like butter.

Kiptyn and Nikki walk out into what looks like a forest and he lays out his problem to her. He’s a nice guy, so he’s very mellow and matter-of-fact about it, but nevertheless Nikki turns on the waterworks and has to wave her hand in front of her face again like that’s going to stop the HUGE tears she cries. He tells her that she’s the swing vote here.

“It’s hard because you’re a really good friend!” she tells him.

“It’s not a backstab (if she votes him out)…It’s part of the game…” Kiptyn replies with his best puppy dog eyes.

Get your shot glasses ready folks, because Nikki tells Kiptyn that she doesn’t want him “on the chopping block”. “You gotta do what you gotta do,” Kiptyn replies. “Have I let you touch my abs yet? No? Well come over here and take a gander at THESE puppies! Would be a shame if they got voted out tonight, huh? But totally no pressure…”

So now new drama is created. Big Nikki gave her word to the outsider girls that she would vote out Kiptyn. But Kiptyn’s her friend and a good guy. What to do? What to do? To make matters worse, the producers have decided to film her in the voting room in profile to accentuate the butt cleft in her really weak chin.

The Rose Ceremony, or “The ‘K’s’ Have It”

We come back from the last commercial break and it’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris will call out the names of those who are safe and Melissa will stand there stupidly and give them roses.

Guys are on one side and the girls and Natalie’s stupid neon pink tutu are on the other (I mean, really. What grown woman wears that?!) The pavement is all wet and glistening, so you know they all mean business. Chris still has on his bet-losing shirt/tie combo. Somewhere out in L.A. Jake sees this, smirks, laughs, and then rolls over in his bed and falls asleep alone.

Tenley gets the first rose. Cut to the obligatory shot of Kiptyn smiling. Chasteness is so hot, right? Tattoo Jesse finds out next that he is safe. Then Peyton and Big Nikki also get the good news. Cut to Kiptyn looking away awkwardly as Nikki catches his eye. Ashley, David, Elizabeth (with yet ANOTHER new hair style!), and Natalie’s stupid tutu are all safe too.

Kovacs is the next one safe, so that means that for the guys it’s down to Kiptyn and Craig and for the girls it’s down to Krisily and Rat Fink Jessie. Chris announces that Krisily and Kiptyn are safe, thus cementing the fact that if your name starts with a “K”, you’re pretty golden tonight.

Craig gives a death stare Gia’s way and she just rubs her chin. Kiptyn thanks Nikki, and Gia watches them with her hand still on her chin. She wants to know how this was all possible and says she feels bad about Craig even though she wouldn’t give him the time of day outside of the house.

Nikki knows she’s about to get busted by the outsider girls for flipping her vote at the last minute. “I’m pretty much not trustworthy to the girls,” she says. Gee…ya think?

Next we get the back seat limo interviews with the two dumped contestants. Craig is up first and (shot glasses ready?) says he “…knew (he) was on the chopping block…” He’s mad at Gia that she lied to him about giving him the rose.

Cut to Dave saying that he and Rat Fink Jessie “had a good connection” which is Man Code for, “We hooked up in the hot tub, and it was OK, but not great.”

Back in her limo, Jessie laments, “My whole plan back-fired.” She thinks she should have just kept her mouth shut. She’s not sure where she stands with Dave, but she hopes that she “…found love in the house. I hope this is real and not just strategy.” And if Dave and Rat Fink end up married, I will wear Chris Harrison’s tie/shirt combo for a whole week.

Back at the mansion, Gia is trying to figure out how her dastardly plan suddenly all went wrong. “One person kinda f***ed us,” she says, and gets bleeped by the censors. Nikki admits she was the one who flipped her vote.

Dave puts the final nail in the outsider coffin when he announces, “There is no outsider group.” Cue funereal music.

Previews, or…”Gia and Wes…Sittin’ in a Tree…”

Next week apparently it’s going to hit the fan for Big Nikki. We see someone calling her two-faced and her fanning the tears again. We get a classic line from Natalie too: “I would make out with everyone in the house for, like, twenty bucks!” You go, Natalie. Way to keep that squeaky-clean reputation intact.

We see Wes singing his stupid “Love Don’t Come Easy” song for Gia and her effusing that he’s “…so talented! He’s such a beautiful person! He’s like the modern day Shakespeare, but cuter!” There are so many things wrong with this whole interaction, so I’m just going to leave it until next week.

Later, we see Gia fanning her own face and weeping that, “I should never have let that happen to me!” Uh oh. Sounds like trouble for Gia. Could it be that she…GASP!...kissed another guy? I’d say it’s a good bet since we also see shots of everyone making out with everyone else blindfolded.

Credits, or… “The Blind Leading the Hungry”

As the credits roll we get a really funny scene in the kitchen. Dave and Kovacs are trying to figure out how to cook some sort of frozen dinner. How do guys that hot and that buffed eat crap like that? SO not fair to the rest of us. L

As the patented dumbass music starts, they can’t figure out the directions on the box (“Why do we remove the lid just to put it back on again?”). Then they can’t figure out how to turn on the oven. It beeps, but nothing’s getting hot (Metaphor? You make the call…)

Rat Fink Jessie come skanking in to see if she can help and no one expects her to be able to figure it out since she seems…uh…well…how do I put this delicately? So incomprehensibly stupid that she can barely figure out how to cover herself up? So mind-numbingly dumb that every guy who has chatted with her wants to gouge out their own eyes with giant, dangly earrings?

But what do you know? Rat Fink gives the oven a little taste of her womanly ways and BOOM! it pops to life and starts to warm up. The guys (and the entire viewing audience and anyone who’s ever met her in person) can’t believe it. They will feast like kings tonight!

Thanks, as always, for reading this far. I know there are lots of blogs out there, but I hope you enjoy the details of this one. Don’t forget to head over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose and tell all your friends to do the same. I post other things there that don’t show up here.

Catch you next week!