A Night of Double Dumps

This week’s episode actually ended up being way more interesting than the previews made it look. I thought that all of the drama was going to happen in the RVs, but it turned out that the majority of it happened in a little cabin and someone’s random palatial estate somewhere north of Big Sur. It’s also the first episode of the season with LOTS of examples of poorly used grammar. Whoopee! Let’s get to it…

As always, the episode opens with Chris Harrison walking into the living room to inform the girls of how the dates will work this week. The girls look tired and frowsy and he looks all Dapper Dan, as usual. He tells them that there will be one one-on-one date, one group date AND (insert drum roll here) one two-on-one date where someone “will definitely be leaving that night”. All the women ooo and ahhh and we catch a shot of Vienna with her mouth open in shock and surprise.

But that’s not all the news our boy Chris has for the girls. He also tells them that “things are going to be different this week" and that “everything is about to change”. He tells them that they are all leaving the mansion “forever”, which sounds ominous but is really the way he tells them that they are about to be slumming it in RVs instead of living the high life in a gourmet kitchen, hot tub, and tastefully decorated living room.

He tells the girls to look outside, and they whoop it up at seeing two large RVs parked outside the mansion. They are told they have one hour to pack everything and get into the RVs. The RVs will be their new homes for the rest of the show.

At this point, we get the first interview of the night with Kathryn, and I know this lady’s toast tonight. First of all, she has had zero airtime this whole season. It’s always suspicious when these shadow figures all of a sudden vault to the front. It’s a sure sign that the producers want us to get to know them so that dumping them off the show won’t seem so random.

The other reason I know Kathryn is toast is that during her interview she seems drunk. Her words are slurred, and instead of saying she’s excited to get out of the house, I swear she’s said that she’s excited to get “on the house”. She looks sloshy in this scene. Hasta la vista, baby. She should have taken a lesson from bitchy “I brought jelly beans!” Christina earlier in the season. Some people never learn.

Next we get an interview with Ella, who once again is all down home Southern belle. She’s thrilled to be traveling in an RV. She says, “I’m fixin’ to get on this RV and I’m so danged excited! I’m a Tennessee girl. This is like down home!” thus reinforcing every bad stereotype we have of people from Tennessee. While Ella over-enthuses, Gia tells us she hopes the RV has a shower, and we quickly understand that she is about to be out of her element.

We are never told how the RV assignments are made, but Ali (hates Vienna for no apparent reason), Jessie (who?), Kathryn (drunk interviewee), Ella (don’t call her RV trash), and Tenley (former Disney princess) are all on one RV and very thankful that the evil bitch Vienna is on the other RV. I wonder why the producers didn’t put Ali and Vienna together? It would have made for some interesting RV moments for sure.

In the second RV are Gia (balls sleeves of her shirt up in her fists), Corrie (used to be a prettier Sarah Jessica Parker, but now has become a shadow character), Ashleigh (looks good in a bikini), and Vienna (hated roundly by all). “I would rather ride a bike behind an RV than be with Ali and Tenley,” Vienna tells us. What does that mean, exactly?

The RVs pull out and there is much whooping and excitement about saying goodbye to the house. Ella tells us, “I am ready to get my relationship with Jake rolling down the highway of love!” which is just so pukey I can’t say anything about it.

Next we get aerial shots of the RVs making their way up Highway 1, and shots of Tenley being videotaped by the other girls complete with a phony-looking graphic laid over it that is supposed to make it look like she’s really on a camera. We know she isn't, though because when you videotape something, that’s not what you see on the video you watch. It’s only what you see when you look through the viewfinder. We see surfers off the coast and the girls toast with the ever-present champagne.

Corrie tells us, ‘We are probably going to be the most dysfunctional family that has ever driven down the California coast!” and it’s all I can do not to scream at the screen that they are driving UP the coast, Tenley, UP the coast! Apparently Disney princesses don’t know north from south.

They make a stop and for some reason are all standing on the side of a sand dune/hill type thing. Ella walks up to one of the shadow girls and looks like she’s holding a snake in her hand. The girl goes running screaming down the hill (and looks like she almost twists her ankle in the process), but in reality we find out that kooky ol’ down home Ella is really holding either a dog turd or a gnarled branch that looks like a dog turd that kinda looks like a snake. Ain’t she a hoot y’all?

Now we see shots of Jake wearing his Great Gazoo helmet riding his motorcycle up to meet the girls. We get views of him coasting up the highway as well as some requisite sexual innuendo shots of him cruising through tunnels. You go, Jake. Work that tunnel reference.

Jake tells us that “now we are down to nine ladies and each one of them is so amazing,” which we know is a lie since Jessie and Kathryn have had zero one-on-one time with him so he has no idea what kind of people they are.

He pulls into a vineyard that actually looks gorgeous. You can tell this was filmed in the late fall. No grapes on the vines anymore, but still beautiful orange and yellow colors everywhere. It’s all very verdant and lush-looking. Jake has a big, orange-and-white tent set up in a field amidst the grapevines. “I can’t think of any better place to fall in love,” he tells us, thus back-handedly dissing the woman he will eventually choose if it’s not Gia.

All of the girls wonder who will be getting the one-on-one date with Jake this time. I keep expecting Jake’s face to show up on the giant TV screen hanging from the ceiling of the RV. I can just picture his cheesiness oozing out of the screen as he gushes about who the next lucky girl will be to “Come on down!”

Meanwhile, back in the RVs, Vienna asks Gia, “What if you do get this date with Jake?” and Gia answers, “He will send all you guys home,” which is the first time we have heard Gia talking smack this season. Then Gia asks Vienna, “Who do you think is getting the two-on-one date?” and then proceeds to tell her it would be funny if Ali and Vienna ended up on the date together, “It would be like Tyson and Holyfield!” she exclaims, and I swear that I would pay money to see Vienna with a giant bear claw tattooed over half of her face.

Over in the other RV, Ali waxes noble and tells the other girls that she would be willing to “take one for the team” and go on the two-on-one date with Vienna. “I’m all for it! I’ll do it!” she brags, and the girls all say, “Thank you!” Wow…Ali really has slid down, huh? Remember how bright and Marlo Thomas-y and wide-eyed we thought she was the first couple of episodes? Now she comes off as a mean girl ringleader who has it in for the other girl who’s a threat.

Both RVs pull into the winery, and there’s Jake standing there. “Jake looked pretty hot in his flannel standing there and looking all rugged like a man,” gushes Tenley. “I have no make-up on!” whines Gia, thus cementing herself as “that girl” on this show who will be out of her element in the wilds of the Central Coast wineries.

Jake greets the girls and tells them that he is excited to bring them up here to the winery, even though he didn’t bring them up – two RVs hired by the show did that. And by the way, why don’t we ever get to see the drivers of these RVs? Wouldn’t that have been a cool gig? They must have gotten ears and eyes full of juicy stuff.

For some reason Jake singles out Vienna and asks her if she likes camping. She takes this the wrong way and thinks it means that she has scored the coveted one-on-one date with Jake. She asks him, “Is that our tent up there?” but her hopes are dashed when Jake answers that it’s actually his tent. I notice that it’s not a very far distance away from where the ladies’ RVs have parked.

Cut to Tenley, who tells us, “Vienna was incredibly forward and I was shocked. Shocked!” This from the girl who got the First Impression Rose on the first night because she gave Jake the first kiss and then cried to us on and on that she didn’t want to come off as too forward and hadn’t kissed anyone since her ex-husband cheated on her. Tenley, this is the pot talking. You’re black, Miss Kettle!

Jake leaves the first Date Card with Gia and tells her she can’t open it until he’s gone. Then he rides away dramatically to his tent – which is about 50 feet around the bend. Gia is all giggly and Valley Girl-ish excited about holding the card, and she opens it up and…it’s for her!

“Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars, Signed Jakey” she reads. Really? We’re at Jakey now? When did that happen?

Gia is nervous excited and playing with her hair and tells us she’s “looking forward to knowing Jake on the same level other girls do,” which means she wants a make-out session too. During this interview I swear I hear her pronounce the word “ecstatic” instead of “exstatic” (pay attention to how those would sound. I know the spelling is wrong.) Did anyone else pick up on that?

At the end of this interview we see that she has one sleeve of her shirt pulled way down and that she’s gripping it in her left hand just like in her interview on the first night. What’s up with that?

We go to commercial, but not before Vienna opines about Gia: “She’s a New York girl. I think that this is completely out of her element. It’s not gonna work,” and I shake my head at poor Vienna who apparently needs some help with those idioms. Something can’t be out of Gia’s element. Gia has to be out of her own element. Let’s keep a tally tonight: Grammar Error Number 1.

Coming back from break, we get beautiful shots again of the fall foliage and the grounds of the vineyard. Then for some bizarro reason we get shots of Jake shaving outdoors and sliding his shirt on. He’s telling us about Gia. “We haven’t had a lot of time together,” he says. “We’re in the middle of a vineyard and I want to see how she handles that.” I actually laugh out loud at this comment. Wow…it must be especially challenging handling being in the middle of a vineyard, what with all the grapes, leaves, tons of people milling about with cameras and lights, and the interstate highway just feet away. What is this, Survivor? Poor, sweet, out-of-her-element Gia. What has she gotten herself into tonight?

We go back to Gia’s RV and she’s getting ready for the big date. She’s WAY overdressed for the occasion and is completely accessorized head to toe. “I just want to look really cute for him!” she chirps. Then she walks out of the RV and another girl remarks that Gia is wearing stilettos, yes STILETTOES for her outdoor date in the vineyard.

Vienna laughs at this and tells us, “Gia’s completely a city girl and I just want to see her act all outdoorsy in front of (Jake).”

We get lots of yucky nervous laughing from Gia, which all makes her seem way less strong and confident than I thought she was. She’s coming off as girly and teeny-bopper-y tonight and it’s not appealing.

Gia is so out of her element she doesn’t even know how to get on Jake’s cycle for the long, grueling ride around the corner and 50 feet down the road (Remember folks, the girls can see Jake’s tent from where they are! Why the cycle? Maybe so Gia wouldn’t have to walk a dirt road in heels?)

“She is totally wrong for him. It’s not gonna work,” Vienna assures us as the happy outdoorsy couple rides away.

In the next scene Ashleigh asks Jessie (who?), “Do you think she’s coming back?" and Jessie (who?) actually comes up with a funny line: “If she doesn’t fall off the bike!” I realize that the reason we are hearing from Jessie (who?) tonight is most likely because there are so few women left. She has not stood out in any way, shape, or form for this entire series, so she gets her obligatory one-liner so we can see she has some personality before Jake dumps her at some point.

Gia tells us that she hopes that she and Jake click, and then asks Jake how her hair looks after the grueling ride around the corner.

“If there’s one thing I’ve always wanted to do, it’s go to a vineyard,” Gia lies to us. Really, Gia? A vineyard? You’ve never thought about going maybe to Paris? Rome? Hawaii? A vineyard is the pinnacle for you? Really?

Next we cringe as Jake and Gia play what ends up being the most embarrassing game of hide-and-seek ever. I almost have to fast forward through it, it’s that hard for me to watch. Gia hides among the vines and Jake runs around trying to find her. We see that she has lost the stilettos and is now barefoot. She squeals as he gets closer, he runs too hard and too fast, she squeals some more, and then he finds her.

“We played hide-and-seek,” Jake says, sounding like my daughter describing her day in pre-school. “She has a real spontaneous side. She has a passion for life.” Wow, THAT’S spontaneity and passion for you, Jakey? Crazy Michelle had WAY more of those than Gia does.

Once Jake finds Gia, she jumps on him and he carries her around the vineyard with her legs wrapped around his waist. This seems to go on for a long while, and I can’t help but think that Jake wasn’t expecting to have to lug around a stiletto-less New York girl all that way. “Let go, woman!” his eyes seem to say. Instead, he tells us that this “feels like the beginning of a fairytale” for him. Oh yeah…THAT fairytale…”Once upon a time there was a guy who liked to shave outside and a girl who wore stilettos in vineyards and they rode a motorcycle fifty feet, played awkward hide-and-seek, and lived happily ever after.” My word…the triteness on this show is sickening.

They sit down to chat and Jake asks her what she was like in school. Of course, since she’s a model, she has to tell us that she was a nerd in school and got stuff stolen and that her mom even had to take her out of the school since she was being picked on so much.

Jake is shocked because he had pictured her as “drop dead gorgeous and on the cheerleading squad” but Gia dissuades him of that vision and says it’s not true. She was a bonafide dork back then.

Jake then tells her that the kids called him “Mr. Dateless” in ninth grade. He saw lots of girls he liked, “but I just didn’t have the confidence to talk to them.” Can I get an “Awww…” from all y’all? It wasn’t until (Shock! Horror!) ELEVENTH GRADE until Jakey kissed a girl.

Gia tells us her first kiss was awful. It was during a game of Spin the Bottle and the kiss wasn’t special enough for her. Then Jake suggests they polish off what’s left of the wine and try to play a game of Spin the Bottle themselves. Gia answers with the weirdest set of rules for the game I have ever heard: “First time is cheek, second time is lips, third time is (insert awkward pause here while the gears of her mind grind away at what could be more than a mouth kiss but less than suggesting full frontal naked body contact)…all the way!” Who knew there were rules for Spin the Bottle? I thought you spun it, it pointed at someone, and you kissed them. Case closed. But not for ol’ Gia.

And by the way: if she was so dorky and picked on in high school, what’s she doing getting invited to a party where kids are playing Spin the Bottle and actually kissing her? High school can’t have been THAT bad.

So they spin the bottle and Jake is just about to go in for his first kiss when Gia all of a sudden announces, “This is our first kiss!” which forces him to have to slow down his descent onto her lips. He gets a surprised look that she’s talking, but sticks with the approach and nails the landing, and they make out a bunch. Gia keeps licking her lips every time they come up for air, and that’s really gross I think.

Jake moves his head and puts it down on her neck. “I don’t know how we’re going to top that!” he moans, wishing like hell his mom, dad, priest, and ex-girlfriends wouldn’t be watching back home so he could take Gia into the orange vineyard tent and do the deed right then and there.

“That was Jake and I’s first kiss!” Gia tells us, thus giving us Grammar Error Number Two tonight. Gotta love how everyone on this show screws up their pronouns! Fade to a commercial.

Coming back, we see that Jake has begun to build a campfire and we hear a fake sound effect of an owl hooting. Because we all know that owls love to populate low-lying areas of vines and don’t live up in really tall trees and hoot when there are 4000 people swarming a vineyard with bright lights to film a reality dating show.

Jake is ready to surprise Gia with the menu for the night. Instead of steaks they are going to be cooking hotdogs and smores over the fire. Jake wants to see how Gia handles that. Because Jake thinks it’s important to see how Gia handles a hotdog, I guess, and that’s all I’m saying about that.

Jake asks Gia if she knows how to start the fire, and she says no. She calls him a Boy Scout as he starts to get the fire built up. Suddenly, though, Gia has a change of heart. “I should learn how to do this,” she says and dives into the task of placing three logs in a pyramid so Jake can light them with a Bic lighter. The people on Survivor who go days with no flint and no fire are spitting venom at the screen right now.

Gia’s wrapped in a blanket and getting smoke in her face. “They say the smoke always goes to the prettiest one,” and I cringe at how sappy and simple-minded Jake is. Meanwhile, Gia is overwhelmed with how many stars she can see. “We don’t have those in New York!”

We get a dramatic shot of the rose sitting there next to the fire, and we remember in the previews that Jake tosses a rose into a campfire. Maybe things are about to go south for Gia?

They chat some more and Jake provides Grammar Error Number Three when he tells Gia, “This is actually me.” (As kooky as it sounds, he should have said, "This is actually I.") Jake asks her how she sees all of this working out, and she says that she sees the two of them getting engaged for a while, then getting married, moving to Texas, and having two kids before she’s thirty. Then she goes totally off from what we expect and says she also wants to adopt a baby girl from China (See? I TOLD you guys she had an Angelina Jolie vibe on the first night, didn’t I?) Oh, and she wants to adopt a pot-bellied pig too, cuz she’s down like that.

Back at the RV camp, the girls decide to howl over to Jake’s tent. When they do, Gia automatically assumes it’s coyotes, but Jake eases her mind by telling her that it’s just the ladies having some fun. They whoop like Pancho Villa going into battle for added effect.

Ashleigh comes into the scene waving the next Date Card, which for some reason she found on the windshield of the RV. What’s up with that? The windshield? I think the producers needed an excuse for the girls to stop paying attention to what was going on over at Jake’s tent, so they planted the card where someone would find it.

It’s the card that lists the girls going on the group date: Jessie (who?), Ashleigh (card finder/Kyra Sedgwick bikini bod), Tenley (black kettle), Ali (still shoots dagger looks at Vienna), Vienna (doesn’t care what Ali thinks about her), and Corrie (quickly slipping off the radar on this show) all hear that their next date will be “falling INN love” with two N’s.

A hush falls over the camp as the girls suddenly realize that it will be Ella (loves her some RV driving) and Kathryn (sloshy drunk tonight) who will be duking it out on the two-on-one date. Ashleigh tells us, “You can sense the tensions in the air because only one of them is going to be coming home,” and we get it already. How many times do they need to remind us that one girl will not survive the date? Or maybe they’re saying that over and over to trick us into thinking only one goes home? Hmmm…let’s wait and see what happens.

Back at Gia and Jake’s date, they are reclined back watching the fire and toasting marshmallows. At one point Jake goes to put another marshmallow on the toasting fork, and the angle makes it look like the fork is about to pierce right through Gia’s eye. “I can do this with one hand,” Jake tells Gia and she is crestfallen to find out he only means put a marshmallow at the end of a fork.

Gia tells us that the surprising part of the date for her is that “I wasn’t worried about how my hair looked or if I had lipstick on. It just felt real and fun,” which totally disses herself because she’s implying that when she has nice hair and make up on she’s not real. Caught ya, Gia!

She tells us that she’s dated such bad guys and doesn’t want her heart broken again. She’s scared and wearing her heart on her sleeve. He tells her he needs a minute, extricates himself from the nest of blankets they are in, and goes to get the rose. He offers it to her, but not before uttering a classic Jake line: “I have absolutely had an absolute blast!” You can’t write that stuff folks. As Gia accepts the rose, I notice she has a Band-Aid on her pointer finger and it makes me wonder if ol’ Jakey accidentally stabbed her with a marshmallow fork after all.

Gia sums up her feelings after receiving the coveted rose: “I haven’t felt like this in about a year and a half or two! You give your heart to someone and they break it. When it gets to the moment that you give it away and you let go and you think the person is perfect, it feels great!”

As we come back from the ads, the RVs are once again on the road and we hear whoops and hollers from the ladies. “I don’t know where we’re going, but I think it’s gonna be fun!” Princess Tenley bubbles. Wow, I hadn’t noticed it before, but her voice really DOES sound like a Disney princess!

We find out that Pismo Beach will be the second stop on the “exclusive” RV trip that’s being covered by more cameras than Brad and Angelina’s wedding.

In her RV, Gia asks who Vienna thinks is going to get the rose on the group date and Vienna answers that Jake is HER boyfriend. In the other RV, Tenley asks Ali, “What would you do if Vienna got the rose today?” and classy Ali answers back: “Throw up in my mouth,” while Jessie (who?) mimics a gigantic hurl on the floor of the RV.

Ali continues: “I don’t feel like I’m anything like Vienna and I’m struggling with the fact that she’s still here.”

The RVs pull up to Pismo Beach, and there’s Jake standing there with his aviator glasses on. “He looks so cute!” Vienna gushes.

Corrie tells us that she “doesn’t necessarily thrive in a group setting” which we already knew since we have barely heard boo from her since the first episode. Remember her way back then? She was the one who confused Jake by asking him if he wanted to “Kissimmee”. “I need to let my guard down,” she says, “and just let myself feel for him what I want to feel for him,” which means nothing and casts a bigger shadow on her, in my opinion. Corrie is a wardrobe consultant, and she’s obviously noticed that Ali got play in canary yellow because she is now sporting the exact same color.

Jake welcomes them to Pismo and tells them it’s the only beach in the state where you can let your dogs run free, camp, and drive dune buggies, which essentially means that Pismo Beachians don’t really give a rip about the environment or how dog crap and humans are destroying it all.

Jake warns them that they are going to get extremely dirty. Ali responds with a fist in the air and a, “Yes!” when she hears this news, and I am ready to shout at her, “We get it, Ali. You’re the tough girl. We’re over it already, so you should be too.”

We cut back to the three girls not on the group date and Gia feels yucky since she sees Jake on a date with all those girls the day after she had HER amazing date with him. “It felt kinda weird to see that,” she says.

Jake tells the girls on the group date that they will be driving in dune buggies. They are all excited until they see that only one of them will be able to drive with Jake. Vienna wants to grab that spot, but Ali beats her to it. “You guys can go ahead and drive cuz I’m just gonna sit with Jake,” Ali tells the other girls. No one is very pleased at this turn of events.

“Have fun with him cuz I’m gonna marry him! Have your 30 minutes in a dune buggy!” she says to the girls behind their backs and I really am liking her more now. I know lots of you hate her (for no real reason), but I like her flip attitude in the face of them all ganging up on her, her self-confidence, and her “Whatever…you girls are totally nuts” attitude. She wears it well.

Corrie and Ashleigh go tearing off in their dune buggy, which makes Jake happy, but Jessie (who?) is a more timid driver and ends up getting herself and Vienna stuck over the top of a dune, which makes Jake worried. Vienna can’t get them unstuck, but Jake comes over and literally lifts their buggy up and frees them.

In her creepiest baby voice imitation, Vienna says, “I’m like, ‘He’s my hero!’”

Next up for the girls and Jake is sandboarding. I’ve never see this before, but it looks essentially like snowboarding, but on the sand. Duh. It looks really hard to balance and Ali wipes out right off the bat. So does Vienna.

Next, Tenley and Jake roll over and over down the hill squealing and laughing all the way down. “I can’t believe I just rolled with Jake in his arms! Like that was fun!” Tenley enthuses. “He’s seen me at my least attractive moment, cuz I’m spewing sand out of my mouth!’ Then she proceeds to spit sand out for a few seconds with a pained look on her face, then wipes it off with her hand. Princess Ariel she ain’t.

“I’m just naturally drawn to Tenley,” Jake tells us and makes us laugh as we realize that the whole time he and Tenley are rolling around and laughing, Jessie (who?) has wiped out and is just lying there being totally ignored by everyone. Symbolic, huh?

The surfing ends with Jake stating, “I don’t think there’s any situation that you could put Tenley in that she couldn’t find the positive in, you know, and have such a great time.” She’s SO “Up with People”, n’est ce pas?

Jake suggests they slow the pace down, and they all have a picnic on the beach as the sun sets. After he toasts them all, he suggests that they should all roll down the sand mountain together. Everyone kind of thinks he’s kidding, but out of nowhere Corrie suddenly takes him up on it. She throws herself on him and they share a truly awkward roll down the hill that’s nothing like what happened with Tenley. Cut to a really funny shot of Ali glaring at them.

Tenley looks concerned. “This is definitely more aggressive than I’ve ever seen (Corrie),” she says. Cut to a shot of a lone pelican flying in low over the sunset-orange waves. Not sure what that was about.

After the most awkward sand hill roll ever, Jake asks Corrie, “So is this your type of date?” and she says, “No. This is awesome!” which makes me want to ask her, “No? It’s not your type of date? Then why did you say it was awesome?” Why can’t these people think before the words come out of their mouths?

Jake is happy that Corrie has started opening up to him at last. Maybe this girl has more fire left in her than I gave her credit for?

After the next set of commercials, we see that Jake and the girls are heading to The Madonna Inn, thus explaining why the Date Card said something about “inn” having two N’s. They are so subtle on this show.

For those of you who don’t know it, The Madonna Inn is a fun, kitschy roadside hotel in San Luis Obispo that has a waterfall for a urinal in the men’s room, themed guest rooms (caveman, Valentine’s, jungle, etc.), and awesome strawberry pie. I smirk as I see the “Vacancy” sign is lit up as Jake and the ladies walk by. It's a metaphor for their minds, and that's funny.

Tenley tells us that celebrities go to this hotel, “so I felt really special that we were stopping there!” Jake tells us he loves dirty girls, even though the girls are honestly just very sandy, which is not the same at all as being dirty.

Jake leaves the girls for a bit and they check out some of the hotel rooms and jump on the furniture like little kids and whoop and scream a bunch. The interiors of the rooms really are cool and interesting, and it’s too bad it’s all lost on these wannabe sorority girls who look ready to have a pillow fight to defend a panty raid.

We get lots of shots of them all primping and getting cleaned up for their date with Jake. They come parading into the totally empty restaurant (How much did the producers have to pay to buy THAT place out for a whole night? Wow…) and I notice that they are all basically wearing the exact same “little black dress”. They just need a lot more hair mousse and a little less cleavage and they could be the Robert Palmer Girls from the famous 80’s videos.

For some reason, Jake tells them again that he’s glad the girls “can get dirty and have fun” and the whole “dirty girl” double entendre thing is officially over and done for me now.

We cut to a shot of the rose waiting ominously on the table, and then Jake takes Ashleigh aside for some one-on–one. They enter a room that has a sign reading “Romance” on the door. Ooo la la.

They sit down on a couch (“This is my favorite color!” Ashleigh says for no reason), and so begins a SUPER uncomfortable scene with Ashleigh basically playing all vixen-y and coy rubbing Jake’s thigh, playing with the zipper on his coat, and giving him way-too-intense come hither looks. We get plenty of shots slowly going up her legs, and one particularly unflattering one of part of her ass hanging out of her too-short dress while she leans back. The smokin’ bikini bod has been taken down a notch.

We get a really funny interview shot with Ashleigh saying that she has noticed that “some girls have been more affectionate” with Jake and that she thinks “it looks desperate and would never want to come across like that”, and all the while we get to see scenes of her doing exactly that. It’s classic Bachelor editing. Poor thing. I’m sure that quote was taped nowhere near the time of the zipper-playing, but such is life in the editing room on these reality shows.

Things start to turn sour as Jake tells us that he thinks Ashleigh is hot, but that he just really doesn’t feel any chemistry with her. We come back and Ashleigh is now rubbing Jake’s leg with her foot while she just sits there and doesn’t really talk to him. “I think it should be me,” she tells us when asked who will get the rose at the end of the group date.

Next Jake comes back to the table and asks Vienna if she’d like the next one-on-one time and (GASP!) she turns him down. She says she’d like to talk to him last “if that’s OK.” Apparently it is, because Jake next asks Ali if she’s available to go talk and we get a voiceover of her saying, “What is bleeping wrong with that girl. She’s going home!” but my guess is that it’s only because she didn’t think of the “I’ll wait to go last” idea first. And did Ali just get bleeped again? And did we hear that the bleeped word started with an “F”? Tsk tsk tsk. C’mon, Ali…clean it up a bit. You have a canary yellow image to uphold here, y’know.

Jake and Ali talk about inane stuff, but in a nutshell she says it’s tough for her to be affectionate with Jake in front of the other girls and he tells her he’s trying to give everyone a fair shot. Ali asks how he’s feeling about this all, and Jake says he’s not worrying about any of it. Ali tells him she’ll support whatever decision he makes, which is a lie because if the decision he makes is to dump her, my guess is that she wouldn’t be supporting that so much. I’m bummed to say it based on first impressions, but I just don’t like Ali anymore. She’s done.

Back at the RV camp on the beach, Gia comes back with the next Date Card. This time it’s from Chris Harrison the host, not Jake. Since it’s not from Jake, I’m expecting something better written, but I am sorely disappointed when I hear, “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.” And again with the hitting us over the head with the fact that one girl will go. We seasoned Bachelor watchers know that this can only mean one thing – a twist. Why else would they remind us of this so darned much?

Kathryn hears the words on the card and says, “I’m really bothered by it,” and again I wonder if she’s drunk? Her words are slurry and her eyes are kinda all over the place. “I’m not ready to go home,” she tells the camera. “I haven’t spent enough time with him. I don’t understand why he’d want to put me in this position!”

For her part, Ella is walking along the beach in the dark, arms folded, gazing pensively out to sea. “He doesn’t have two girls that are complete opposites. It’s gonna be hard. Tomorrow’s huge! I want to continue this and see where it goes. I came here hoping to meet the love of my life. This is not a game for me.” Then she starts welling up, and I start rolling my eyes that of course it’s a game. Has she never seen this show before?

Back on the group date, Jake takes Tenley to a suite to “find out where her heart is” (Um…under her left boob, Jakey?) and see if she’s really over her ex. Oy. Again with this whole ex thing?

We find out more dirt about Tenley’s ex. He was a cop who was cheating with someone new in his office. Tenley found out about it looking at phone records. This was “really painful for a woman especially longing to be desired and yet he didn’t want to have anything to do with me,” she laments. Jake has his head in her lap while she spins her sad saga, and she plays with his hair.

“I’m laying in your lap!” Jake tells her, and thus provides Grammar Error Number Four on tonight’s episode. (and for those of you who don’t know the difference between “lay” and “lie” and when to use which one, come sit in on my 8th grade English class in a few months when I get the sheer pleasure of trying to teach it to a group of thirteen-year-olds).

We finally get shots of lots of candles, and Jake and Tenley make out, but not before Tenley tells Jake to sit up because she “wants a good one!” ‘Nuff said.

“Jake’s lips feel amazing!” she tells us. “It just feels good to kiss somebody and trust what I feel is there is real.” Except that Jakey's been makin’ out with a whole LOT of ladies so far, so how can she trust anything he says?

Back at the table, Vienna asks Tenley how her time was with Jake. “It was great,” is the short, snippy answer. Tenley ain’t sayin’ nuttin’ to Vienna about it.

Next it’s Vienna’s turn for some one-on-one time. “Vienna’s going home!” Ali snipes after Vienna’s left the table, but now it seems that some of the other girls don’t necessarily agree with that.

Vienna tells us that she wants to be the last girl Jake kisses before he goes to bed. She’s getting worried about his feelings for her and it’s “killing” her to see him with other girls.

Jake brings up the fact that the other girls don’t like her, and says, “Other women give you a hard time. I gotta tell you, I think you egg it and bring it on yourself. You’re a little bit different with me than you are with all the other girls around. Sometimes it’s better just not to say anything.” This seems like sage advice from Jake, and makes me think he really does like her and is really giving her strategies for how she can make nicey-nice with the other girls.

Vienna promises to watch what she says. She gets a quick peck from Jake who tells us he’s putting the brakes on a bit with Vienna. He has some red flags that have gone up for him and he’s “a little concerned at this point.”

Ali glares at Vienna in a half-lidded way as Vienna comes back to the table with Jake. At this point I realize that Jessie (who?) is the only one who has not had any one-on-one time with Jake. What gives? Why is she even there if he doesn’t want to spend any time with her? I feel kind of sad for her sitting there with nothing to talk about.

Jake announces that he wants to give the rose to someone whom he feels he ignored at the beginning, and Ashleigh sits up all tall and proud thinking she’s got this in the bag since she played with his zipper and rubbed her stanky foot on his leg. But…SURPRISE! The rose goes to Tenley, who of course accepts it. “Jake recognized the fact that I’ve been patient!” she coos.

Corrie looks pissed and pouts, “I’m frustrated! Today was perfect and he turns around and gives the rose to Tenley. And so I feel like he likes Tenley more.” (Um..news flash, Corrie…he DOES like Tenley more. That’s why she’s holding a rose and you’re not.)

As we go out to commercial, we get an interview with Ashleigh who says that Tenley “can come across as too bubbly. I would think someone like that was psychotic if they were like that 24/7.” More classic editing since it seems like Ashleigh who’s the psychotic one after throwing herself at Jake all during their one-on-one time.

Back to more shots of the RV traveling up the coast. More waves and beaches and greenery. Vienna and Gia feel bad for Ella and Kathryn having to double date tonight.

The girls are sitting around the fire pit. Ali really shows what kind of person she is when she tells Ella and Kathryn, “You know you’re going to walk in and see that rose and it’s going to be like a frickin’ rock in the bottom of your stomach.” Nice way of being supportive, Ali. These two ladies are acting like they are about to face a firing squad, and all you can do is remind them of the one thing that’s making them the most nervous. Ella answers that it will be tough to connect with someone else sitting right there.

So Jake swings in on his motorcycle and the girls in their RVs pull into the Big Sur campgrounds. “He is so freakin’ hot!” Ali announces to the camera. “Every time I see Jake he looks better. He looks very sexy in his lumberjack get-up.”

We get a funny shot of Ella looking all trailer-trashy as she puts tons of hairspray in her hair inside of an RV, then tries to close her over-stuffed pink suitcase.

We see Kathryn primping too and actually get a full interview from her! “I’m excited, nervous, and scared. I want to see where this relationship can go.” (Um…what relationship is that exactly, Kathryn? You have said about six words to Jake this whole season so far.) “He could be my soulmate. I just hope he feels the same way.” (He won’t…)

For some reason, we get a sound bite from Tenley here, and her voice has crossed over into full-on Snow White. “It’s hard to know what to say (to Ella and Kathryn). You don’t want to say goodbye, of course, but we know that there’s a 50/50 chance, right?” and laughs a really bad, awkward laugh at the group that makes them all turn stony silent with how uncomfortable she just made it all feel.

Jake comes over to the campsite from his cabin, and he’s holding a mini lantern to light the way. “Hello ladies. Doing good?” Jake asks, and provides Grammar Error Number Five of the night (Unless he meant are you ladies doing good things over here in the camp, like getting along and being nice to Vienna. But I doubt he meant that.)

Ella, Kathryn, and Jake head to his cabin for a quiet dinner. Jake tells us he has no idea what he’s going to do tonight, which we all know really means he does have some idea, but he’s just not telling us for dramatic effect.

We get a funny, awkward shot of the three of them at the dinner table, food untouched. Jake says he appreciates that they are both there for a “rough date”. Ella starts right in and asks Jake what things he’s looking for “in a wife a mother, or a love of your life.” which makes me think Ella believes she’s on Freudian Bachelor. What he’s looking for in a mother? Seriously? Kathryn looks down at her plate, bummed she didn’t get in the first question.

Jake answers that he first looks at where someone “anchors their faith” (bleah…) and then does his best Republican impression and says he looks for “family values”.

He asks her the same question back and she goes on and on about how her son is the most important in her life blah blah blah. All throughout this part, Kathryn is just sitting there touching her bangs and constantly pushing them to the side of her face. She says she feels like the third wheel, and she most definitely is so far.

If you don’t think editors take any liberties on this show, check out the scene where it looks like Kathryn tries to say something but appears to get interrupted by Ella going on and on. It’s a REALLY bad cut and the sound and voices don’t match up on either side of it. I think Kathryn never really tried to interrupt but the producers had to add something interesting in there since both these women are such duds tonight. They make it seem like Ella is running off at the mouth about finding her best friend and poor Kathryn has to just sit there miserably. I don’t think that’s how it really went down, though.

Ella gets the first one-on-one time with Jake while Kathryn sits morosely at the dinner table staring down at her plate, shifting in her chair, and still playing with her hair. Jake takes Ella out to the back porch and they sit on chairs in the corner cuddled up under blankets.

Ella and Jake first make the obligatory small talk about Ella’s son Ethan so that we can all be reminded that tonight’s role of “Mom” will be played by Ella. “I love Ethan. He is such a neat little guy. I really like him a lot,” Jake tells her. Ella answers back with a whole lot of trite stuff that basically says she wants Jake to know her as more than just a mom and wants him to know how much she has to give. Snore. Ella never exudes any emotion for me. She seems like a nice person, but she comes off as kind of dead inside, and a bit too fragile for Jake. Just like Stephanie with the kid from Jason’s season. They end their date with Ella getting no kiss, but Jake telling us that she’s “awesome” and “amazing”. We get a hint, though, that the shine has come off of Ella a bit for Jake.

Next it’s Kathryn’s turn, and Jake keeps complimenting her on her eyes and says he keeps getting lost in them, whatever THAT means. He takes her out to the campfire and we see sparkly lights wound around a pole again just like on Ali’s date a few episodes back.

Jake asks Kathryn if she has any questions for him, and she answers that she has “a lot”. So of course instead of asking Jake about himself or asking him things to get to know him better, Kathryn decides to ask him, “Why is it when I’m with everyone else I feel like you don’t really pay attention to me?” Uh oh. Crazy alarm going off here. Crazy eyes. Crazy first question. Crazy playing with hair. Yup. We’ve got another one, folks!

“You sat there the whole time and looked at (Ella)” during dinner, Kathryn complains. “There’s something holding you back with me!” which is what every guy wants to hear the first five minutes into a date.

Jake counters back with some lame words like, “I’m trying not to get lost in our natural attraction,” and “You’re so beautiful,” and it seems like Kathryn may be out now since Jake is only focusing on her looks and not her personality at all.

“Well ask some questions, Jake! We don’t have a lot of time!” Kathryn says in a quasi-annoyed tone. “I feel like you and I have a really great start to something,” all the while still pushing her hair back and fiddling with it. This is getting painful. It’s pretty obvious that Kathryn’s the one going tonight.

Kathryn makes him promise that he won’t discredit the fact that the two of them haven’t spent a lot of time together, and I marvel at the fact that the producers found a girl for this show who can use the word “discredit” correctly.

Jake promises he won’t discredit anything and Kathryn tells us, “He really does like me. He’s just scared,” which is hilarious since she’s just admitted that she’s scared him off already.

We cut back to the other girls at the campfire. Gia tells the girls that this is the first date where she honestly has no clue about who will be sent home. Ali says both Kathryn and Ella are “equally amazing” and that she doesn’t want to see either of them go. Tenley, for some reason, is still harping on the fact that she didn’t get to say goodbye to them. I’m not sure why she cares about this.

We cut to a shot of Jake standing outside his cabin staring at the RV camp where the other girls are. It’s kind of a creepy angle and makes Jake look like a stalker in the woods in a slasher film. We get a shot of him leaning back and closing his eyes, and we assume he is engaged in deep thought about which boring girl to keep – Kathryn or Ella? Then we cut to a shot of the two ladies in question back at their dinner table staring down at their food uncomfortably. We get one last long shot of the RV camp, and did anyone else notice the cowboy off to the right? Who is that? Is it one of the RV drivers? I guess we’ll never know.

Back in Jake’s cabin, Ella’s looking confident. Jake comes in and says he wants to talk with her first. He takes her hand and walks outside with her and we get a funny shot of Kathryn looking all alone and sad.

Jake tells Ella, “You are such an amazing person,” right off the bat, and we know she’s toast. That line is always the death knell for any lady (or gentleman) on this show. He tells her she’s the complete package, but then drops the bomb on poor Ella: “I’m looking for the next sixty years and I just feel that I’m developing feelings that are a little bit stronger for some of the other women.”

Ella’s smile goes away and her face falls. “I can’t tell you what it means for you to come here and share your life with me,” Jake says, trying to placate the uncomfortable situation. But the deed is done. “Be wise with who you choose,” Ella cautions him (Grammar Error Number Five! It’s WHOM, Ella, WHOM!)

Jake puts Ella into the waiting car and whispers, “Thank you, Ella,” for some reason and then heads back in to give Kathryn what we think will be the good news. Kathryn is still sitting at the table playing with her hair and looking down. Poor thing. Poor slurring words, “Is she drunk?”, asked-the-wrong-first-question-tonight thing.

So Jake sits down next to her and she puts her hand on his arm to comfort him after what she thinks was the dumping tonight. Jake starts talking to her about the night, and it suddenly dawns on us that he’s going to dump HER tonight too! It’s a “Double Dump”! Who knew we’d get the two-fer tonight?

Jake tells Kathryn that his heart tells him he’s not the guy for her and that he hopes she finds someone who will sweep her off her feet. Kathryn is stunned and answers back with, “Are you sure about that? I don’t understand. I really don’t. I thought we had a really great conversation. I was excited to see where else that was going to go,” and Jake REALLY drives the point home by answering, “I just don’t think I’m there.” Ouch.

He walks Kathryn out to another waiting car, and as she’s getting in Kathryn tells Jake, “I think you’re making a mistake.” and in classic form Jake answers her by not saying anything about what she has just said: “Thank you for coming. With everything I am, I thank you.” I mean really…what the heck is that? “With everything that I am?!” Who says that? Jake gets so overwrought sometimes with his words and they come out like a soap opera script.

Back at the camp, the girls see a flunky production assistant taking away Ella’s bag, and they all go “Awwww….”’

Back to Ella in the back of her car saying, “For Jake to let me go this early in the game and keep some of the other women he has here…honestly it doesn’t make any sense. I mean, did anyone see that coming at all? I don’t understand. I don’t get it.” Well, let’s break it down Ella. You seem dead inside, you showed very little emotion when your son surprised you, you gave Jake a creepy gift from your kid when he first met you, and you feel at home in an RV. I think the writing was on the wall several episodes back for you, Ella. Buh bye.

Next we go back to the RV camp where we see the flunky taking away Kathryn’s bag too. “Oh no!” the girls all cry. Through the tears Tenley manages to say, “My gosh! They’re both gone!” I swear I’m going to throw a book at the TV if she talks about not being able to say goodbye to them again.

Fortunately for my Sony and my copy of To Kill a Mockingbird, Tenley stays quiet. We go back to Ella in her car who is saying, “I’m hoping Jake doesn’t crash and burn on this journey that he’s on. If he doesn’t make the right decision then god help him because he’s gonna need it!” Then she rolls her eyes for full maximum “I just got surprise dumped on national television but I’m going to act tough about it” effect.

In her car, Kathryn agrees with Ella and tells us that she thinks Jake is “gonna end up with the wrong person. I think he made a huge mistake?,” which of course she has to say since she just got surprise dumped too.

We finally get to see why Jake has been throwing a rose into a fire pit during the previews all season. He takes the rose off the cabin table and dramatically throws it onto the roaring campfire while the editors splice in some scary-sounding music and a sound effect that makes the burning rose sound extra crackly and extra inferno-y for maximum symbolism of the two girls’ journeys going up in the flames of Hell.

So, to sum up: it was obvious Kathryn was going from the little amount of airtime she’s been getting all season. It was obvious Ella was going because she is dead inside. And with that, we bid a fond adieu to Kathryn and Ella. Let’s move on.

We next get a shot of the RVs on the road again and a highly symbolic shot of Ali gazing out the window with a big “EXIT” decal sticker right next to her. Do you think Ali’s about to exit the show? Can she take it that Jake is letting all the “good ones” go but is keeping Vienna? We shall see…

“I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times…Vienna needs to go home!” Ali tells Tenley, who is getting very gushy and stupid-giggly on this episode. The girls realize that since both Kathryn and Ella went home, that only one girl won’t be getting a rose at tonight’s ceremony instead of three. Sucks to be them, huh?

We cut to Jessie (who?) looking worried. “He could just throw us all for a loop and a really great girl could be going home.” She warns that she is going to give Jake “a good talking-to” if he sends the wrong one home.

Next we get a memorable shot of the two RVs pulling up in front of palatial mansion on a huge estate. It’s funny to see the juxtaposition of trashy RVs with the elegance of the house. Jake pulls up to the same house on his cycle, and we see that the same neon blue that was surrounding some of the windows back at the girls’ old place has mysteriously found its way around the center window of this house too.

We celebrate the first major appearance of candles this season as the girls slink down the main staircase that night to greet Jake. As Gia hugs Jake, we see sparks flaring up in the fireplace in the background. Symbolic? Hmmm…

Jake shows his classy side and tells the girls tonight will be fun since they are going to be doing shots. You go, Jake. Way to show a lady a good time.

Jake first pulls Corrie aside for some alone time. She tells us that she’s worried that some of the other girls have progressed further with Jake than she has. “I just don’t move as fast as the other girls,” she tells him. He compliments her on her dress (which actually was GORGEOUS), and then she goes and ruins it by asking him, “Do I at all like make you nervous? Do I give you feelings of awkwardness?” Why in heaven’s name would she ask that right before a Rose Ceremony? Even if the answers are yes, why would she draw attention to that right before he decides who he’s dumping?

Next, Corrie tells Jake that if a guy is into her he SHOULD feel uneasy around her, and I cringe at how she emphasizes the word “should” and all of a sudden she is coming off as bossy and controlling. No kiss for Corrie.

Later, Jake pulls Ali out of the crowd and we see that she’s back in her canary yellow. “I have really great chemistry with Jake,” she tells us, then tells Jake, “I think what you did last night was unbelievably honorable,” which sounds like she just threw Ella and Kathryn under the ol’ Bachelor RV.

They make out a bit and Jake tells her that he’s in a place “where sometimes nothing needs to be said. Being with you just makes me feel good.” Which I read as, “You’re boring to talk to, Ali, so let’s just shut up and make out.”

Ali tells us she’s scared and petrified and that she never thought she’d feel like this so quickly. Jake kisses her more and she even gets the “hand on the side of the head and face” move from him.

Now we cut back to the party, and the music has changed a bit. Jessie (who?) is announcing that she is going to tell Jake her feelings about Vienna during her crucial alone time with him. Good call, Jessie (who?). Because someone who’s as shadowy as you are and whose existence on the show was already tenuous a few episodes back can afford to waste time dishing about the other girls. Way to show Jake the real you.

Of course Jessie (who?) starts her time with Jake by saying, “I’m not a gossip person,” and that she doesn’t like “to stir up drama” and that she “would never say anything unless I was 110% sure” BUT she doesn’t feel Vienna is the one for Jake. I know you all get the irony here that she says she’s not about the gossip and drama, but stirred up a whole heaping pot of it all with just a few words, right?

So of course Jake asks her what she sees about Vienna that he’s not seeing, and Jessie (who?) spills it all: Vienna always has to top everything other girls say and she talks about all the cars she’s crashed that her daddy writes checks to replace. I am going to start taking the “Who?” tagline off of Jessie now because she wins the award for cattiest line of the night when she says, “I don’t know if you want to be that daddy,” to Jake. Oh no she di'in't!

Jake listens and then gives her a peck on the cheek and tells us, “Jessie is just so incredibly sweet. I think she is just trying to be a good friend,” which means she’s out tonight. Why else would Jake have called her a “good friend”? Oh, and if Jake had been a good friend back to her, he would have told her to lay off the teal/green/blue eye shadow. Yeah, I said it. So what?

Next it’s Vienna’s turn for alone time with Jake, and it’s funny to see that Jake has some sort of blanket over his crotch the whole time. Did someone spill a drink down there? Was there something happening down there that the cameras shouldn’t have seen? Enquiring minds want to know.

Vienna really wants to know what Jake’s family and friends will think about her. “Girls don’t like me because I joke a lot,” she explains. “I kid around a lot. A lot of these girls are so uptight. Most of these girls when they talk about me, they feel that I’m a threat.” Vienna is worried that Jake is going to judge her on what other girls are saying, but Jake assures her that he likes to form his own opinions.

I know you all will hate me for this, but I am liking Vienna more and more now. She stands up for herself, she doesn’t really give a crap about what the other girls think about her, and she projects a lot of positive self-confidence. She also seems very natural around Jake. She doesn’t throw herself at him, but she also gives him some attention. I think she’s been the victim of unfair editing this season, but that’s just my two cents’ worth. Yes, I know a few of you don’t like something about her eyes. Get over it. ☺

Chris Harrison taps his glass which can only mean one thing…the party is over and Jake must go into the other room to make his decisions. As he leaves we get a voiceover from Ali saying, “If she (Vienna) stays tonight I will accept my rose with dignity, but I will probably have a conversation that he would never expect.” Cue ominous music.

We come back and it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. I happen to look at the counter on the DVR and I see that there’s still a lot of time left in the show. He’s only dumping one girl tonight, so I wonder why all the extra time? Something juicy must be going down tonight.

Gia and Tenley stand to the side holding their hard-fought roses (C’mon, folks…Gia wore stilettos in a VINEYARD for hers! Can I get some support for her over here?) Jake walks in and goes on and on about his heart hurting and thanking the ladies for their time and blah and blah and blah. Jake has to be one of the most boring, trite bachelors of all time. There really just is no “there” there.

The suspenseful music starts and Ashleigh is holding her head up high confidently and Vienna is looking a bit nervous.

Ali gets the first rose, and we cut to a shot of lip-sucking Vienna. Cut to Ashleigh who is ALSO now sucking her lips! Double bonus! Gotta love the lip suckers…

Corrie gets the next rose and she accepts it happily while Ashleigh and Jessie are starting to look way more nervous and Vienna looks like she is about to pass out.

Jake looks awkward up there. It’s getting tense. Whom will he choose next? There is a long pause, and then…Jake asks if he can take a minute and walks off the set! This isn’t unprecedented (Jill did the same thing last season), but it is of course unexpected and the remaining ladies all look appropriately horrified.

We see a dark, fuzzy shot of Jake talking to some woman who is wearing a Jiffy Pop-style hat who is on the phone telling someone that Jake needs to talk to Chris Harrison. Really? Chris isn’t standing right outside the door during all of this? That’s interesting. I always figured Chris was just off camera, but he shows us how lame his job REALLY is by being a no show with only two roses left.

Chris and Jake meet out in a courtyard and there’s a fountain running in the background that sounds like someone is peeing. I put the DVR on hold and take a quick break. Sorry…TMI.

Jake tells Chris he needs some advice and as the music crescendos to the commercial break he asks Chris, “Do I HAVE to give out two more roses?”

WHAT? Jake is sending home TWO ladies instead of one?! SHOCK!

Piled on top of this turn of events, a commercial airs for the season premiere of Lost and chills literally go up my spine. I don’t know if my nervous system can take all of this excitement in the same three minutes.

We come back to the Rose Ceremony, but not before a very close-up shot of the moon with its craters very clearly shown. A rocky night for someone tonight, perhaps?

We hear Chris asking Jake, “You know for a fact that there are two women in there that are definitely not going to be your wife?” and Jake answers yes while it still sounds like someone peeing in the background. I try not to think about it.

Jake and Chris come back into the room where the ladies are, and Chris lays it out for them: “He’s here for one reason and that’s to find a wife. Because of that, he’s asked me to take away one rose tonight.”

Jessie looks very bummed. Ashleigh suddenly looks more confident. Vienna just looks sad.

“Two of you will be going home tonight,” Chris tells the remaining ladies.

Jake squinches his eyes closed. Vienna looks resigned to her fate. Jake is welling up. The music is building with that dramatic string part they always throw in towards the end.

Jake opens his eyes and picks….VIENNA! Jessie looks stunned, Ashleigh has a gloating smile on her face for some reason, which tells us right off the bat that she’s going to be one of those “I’m totally hurt and emotionally crushed by this, but I’m going to put on my tough face and pretend he’s stupid” ladies on this show. She mutters, “Wow!” in her surprise, even though we saw it coming a mile away with that creepy date back at the Madonna Inn. She sucks her lips some more.

We cut to a pissed off-looking Ali who fumes, “Why is she (Vienna) here? How could he possibly keep her here?” There are lots of hugs and tender looks, but everyone is completely ignoring Vienna who just stands there looking lost.

Ali tells one of the other girls, “My heart is racing! If that’s what he wants then I’m not what he wants!” and Tenley plays translator and tells the group, “She’s pissed!” Oh really?

Jessie comes up to Jake to get her obligatory hug and tells him, “Good luck!” We watch as she slinks down the front stairs of the house and tells us she’s disappointed in herself and that Jake kept Vienna over her. “I just can’t see it,” she says. “I think he’ll regret it.”

Ashleigh goes up for her hug and tells him she’s shocked. Jake tells her he just didn’t feel the chemistry with her and her leg-rubbing, zipper-playing ways.

Now Ali is turning red. She’s really angry, and I start to think that maybe she really will “exit” the show right now. “How can he look at her and think she could be his wife?” she wants to know, and we see another example of bad editing on this show as she says these words, but her mouth isn’t moving at all. Then she says something that starts with “F” and gets bleeped out again. Girl got a mouth on her!

“We have to tell him! We have to tell him!” Tenley urges Ali while everyone is still ignoring poor Vienna.

Next we see Ashleigh slinking down the front staircase and the fact that she has on bright blue shoes suddenly stands out to me. They look weird with the rest of her outfit.

Her voiceover says, “Vienna over me? Really? Are you “F”(bleep)-ing kidding me? That’s awesome. If he can’t see what kind of person Vienna is over me, then I pity him. There’s a reason why she doesn’t have any friends in the house. I do feel like I am the most compatible, the most mature. I was the real one in the house (HAH!) Looks like it came and bit me hard because I’m the one going home and the person who’s a liar and deceiver is staying. So it sucks. Really? I go home before Vienna? Are you “F”(bleep)-ing kidding me? Please. Spare me.” And Ashleigh fades out into the darkness and sets out to find another unsuspecting man to work her wiles on.

We come back to the Rose Ceremony and Jake tells the girls that they are wrapping up their road trip and heading next week to San Francisco, and I can’t believe they were filming The Bachelor right in my own backyard and I didn’t even know it! Tenley acts all faux excited and chirpy at the San Francisco news, and Ali gives an obligatory smile since she lives there now.

In the previews for next week we see shots of the trip to San Francisco. We see Vienna surprising Jake in bed and the ladies bitching about how much they hate her for it. We also hear a “GASP!” as a limo door is closed behind somebody. Might Ali be ditching Jake in her hometown and getting out while the getting’s good? We shall see.

As the credits roll, we get a funny scene of tons of raccoons sneaking up on the girls at one of the RV campsites. Lots of shots of their eyes reflecting in the dark. Scary music plays as the raccoons seem to surround the girls. Someone yawns. Then suddenly one girl notices one raccoon, which sends Gia scampering away in to the RV, convinced the raccoon SHE saw was a skunk.

OK guys…23 pages on Microsoft Word this week…a new record. Stick with me if you want every detail. And if you don’t want every detail, you bagged on reading all of this looooong ago.

So what did YOU think about the episode? If you’re on Facebook, don’t forget to join my group “After the Rose” and start some discussions there as well as here. Make sure to tell everyone about this blog so we can get more readers. The more readers we have, the more fun it’s going to be!

See you next week for San Francisco!

Pardon the Delay...

This week's After the Rose blog will be a bit delayed. Check back here Tuesday night or Wednesday afternoon. I'll try to get it up ASAP. The girls are road trippin' this week, and you *know* you don't want to miss THAT!

Join us on Facebook!

For anyone who is on Facebook, search for the group "After the Rose" and join the discussion there too. Now you have TWO places to dish on Jake and the ladies.

This Explains It...

Here's a great link that explains the whole "Is Tenley pregnant or not?" bait and switch from last night. Watch the video at the bottom:

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-34737-LA-TV-Examiner~y2010m1d19-The-Bachelor-Is-Tenley-Pregnant-And-why-does-Ali-hate-Vienna-so-much-Video

Another Crazy Bites the Dust...

For any of you who follow the spoiler sites, you were sorely disappointed this week. The sites all said that Tenley was going to announce that she was pregnant and that Jake was going to dump Ella after their date to Sea World. Ah well…at least the spoilers about Crazy Michelle were all true. This episode also marks the point in the season where we can see how the editing of this show has been fooling us all along. Let’s get to it…

We start off the episode, as usual, with Chris Harrison telling the girls that there will be two one-on-one dates this week and one group date. He announces this to the group, and it’s becoming obvious that there are fewer and fewer girls left. They all fit on the couch at the same time now.

Chris leaves the Date Card behind and Vienna finds out that she has been selected for the first one-on-one date with Jake. “Let’s fall head over heels!” smooth talkin’ Jake has written her. She fans her eyes as they start to well up with tears, and we’re not sure if it’s from the thought of some alone time with Jake, or because this guy writes some REALLY bad, cheesy prose.

For those of you who don’t remember, Vienna was the girl in the season premiere who told us that she dresses up her dog and takes it out to cafes. She’s also the one whose dad has already bought seven cars for her. She’s been edited so far to look pretty shallow and vapid, but during the date in the amusement park last week we learned she also has a secret past that includes preachers’ sons and eloping.

“I’m ecstatic!” Vienna chirps at the prospect of hanging with Jake. She goes on to tell the girls, “I’m really fun!” and there’s a very funny cut-away shot of one of the boring girls who has no storyline openly gaping in amazement that Vienna would say something like that. Now we KNOW all is not right in the House of the Bachelorettes. Why are the girls reacting like this to Vienna? Is it just because she got a one-on-one date and they are jealous? We store this interaction in the back of our minds to consider later (I stored it right next to, “I wonder if we’re out of paper towels?” Where did you store it?)

Meanwhile, the camera cuts to several shots of Crazy Michelle glaring through half-open eyes and twirling her hair. “I think of myself as very attractive,” she tells us, “and Vienna, she’s totally opposite of who I am as far as what I see on the outside.” Girl! You did NOT just call Vienna out on her looks, did you? You need to open those eyes a bit wider and see the crazy girl you have become.

Next we get some sound bites of Ali. She tells the girls and us that she almost feels a sense of betrayal that Jake is going out with these other women. Her date with him was so perfect that she can’t imagine him wanting to be with anyone else. I know that we have loved her bunches since this series started, but her shining, canary yellow dress-wearing glow is starting to wear off for me. I think it started last week when she said something near the end that had to be bleeped out. I even had to rewind that bit to make sure it was Ali that got bleeped. I sat up and took notice. Hmmm...maybe pure, sweet Ali isn’t all puppy dogs, sugar and spice, and tired old 70’s bands? Maybe we haven’t seen the “true Ali” yet? We have some closet crazies on this show who have started to come out. Could she be the closet bitch? I file that question in my mind next to, “What other songs did Chicago sing besides 'Saturday in the Park'?”

Motorcycle Jake shows up in his Great Gazoo helmet and brings Vienna back to his house. They chat for a while, and I actually am warming up to Vienna a bit. She seems fun and more down-to-earth than she was portrayed on the premiere. And is it just me, or is there something a little Cheri Oteri from Saturday Night Live about Vienna? I can’t pinpoint exactly what, but it’s there in the eyes somewhere.

Vienna tells Jake that she is “blunt, honest, the life of the party, and intense” and Jake admits to her that he is a bit out of his comfort zone since he’s never really dated a woman like Vienna before (even though he’s been out on a bunch of dates already with a bunch of girls on this show who have all described themselves that way. The continuity on this show sucks. I can always find mistakes in the dialogue and storyline like that.)

We get the idea from their conversation that they are about to do something adventurous and exciting. And, let’s face it, we all saw the previews of two people bungee jumping, so we know it’s got to be that, right? We find out that the craziest thing Vienna has ever done is zip lining with her family when her dad freaked out being up so high.

A helicopter swoops in to pick them up and Jake tells us, “I like adventure dates and Vienna is definitely the woman to do it with.“ Snicker snicker...he said “do it”...heh heh heh.

Vienna’s never been in a helicopter before, so they hold hands and take off over the mansion where the girls are all lying by the pool. We get a few bitchy sound bites about how they hope he’s going to dump Vienna off the helicopter the same way Jill dumped poor Robby off the train last season.

At one point one of the girls says the line that will get repeated over and over in some form or another throughout the night: “If she’s his type, then I’m not.” I should have kept track of how many times the girls said this to each other, to Jake, to Vienna, to us. It was incessant. At another point Kathryn (and by the way, you KNOW that she’s not winning anything on here since she’s one of the girls with zero storyline happening. I know you’re all thinking now, “There’s a Kathryn on this show?” Yes, there is.) says: “Vienna’s ruffled feathers in the house.”

I mean really…what has Vienna done that’s made them all hate her so much? Why didn’t we get to see any of it? Gasp! Are the editors toying with us to make us see someone one way when they’re really a different way? Say it ain’t so!

Cut back to Jake and Vienna coming in for a landing near a very high-looking bridge. Jake doesn’t look very happy all of a sudden and they both admit to being very nervous. In one disgusting cutaway, we see them wiping their sweaty palms all over each other. I’m really trying to find a way to make a Vienna sausage joke during this date, but it’s just not happening. Sorry.

Yes, they are going bungee jumping for their date, and now we find out that not only is Vienna scared, but that Jake is petrified. He looks white as a ghost and tells us that we’d all be surprised to know that a pilot is scared of heights. He says something about feeling secure inside an airplane, but I’m not really buying it. I think it was an act so the producers could show a more vulnerable side to Jake. Admit it, how many of you were secretly doing that, “Awwww…” sound inside since you felt bad for how scared he was? You know who you are. The producers totally manipulated you into feeling sorry for Jake. Trust me. If he’s OK flying commercial airliners and doing those acrobatic stunts in that teensy little plane, this is a cakewalk for him.

Jake tells us that in a situation like this, “You’re both each others’ rocks” and that he “can’t be strong 100% of the time”. Poor Jake. So tough to be so strong. Meanwhile, Vienna looks down and says a word that has to be bleeped and pixilated out. We find out that they are 120 feet high over a river, which, yeah, would totally suck if you hated heights.

They are all strapped in and ready to go, but Jake won’t stand up on the bridge at first. Vienna tells him he can do it, and they finally both get to standing position, get the countdown, and take the leap of faith. They fall, and when they hit the bottom they make a jolting bounce up. My neck hurt after watching that snap! They dangle there for what seems like a super long time and I can imagine them yelling, “Uh…guys? Can you pull us up now? Guys? Anyone?”

Instead, though, they share an upside-down kiss while they dangle and Jake reveals his kinky, bondage-y side to the viewers at home. Vienna tells us afterwards,“It’s like the whole world has stopped right now. It’s a memory the two of us will share forever!” while Jake says, “I couldn’t have imagined making that leap with anyone else,” and says that he’s looking for someone like Vienna who is “real and nurturing”. You know, real like Jake with the spray-on tan dating 25 women locked in a house for a month or two. That kind of real.

Now it’s nighttime and Jake and Vienna are sipping wine out of gigantic wine goblets. I mean these things are MAMMOTH. They are so distracting as the two of them try to gesticulate and kiss and stuff that I can’t watch anything else. I just know someone’s going to spill something somewhere. Must be the parent in me, huh?

Jake tells her he’s looking for his “best friend in the whole world” and Jake’s best friends back home feel a little shafted I would imagine (“Dude! You are still totally my Number One! I just said that for the show! Man code!”) Vienna tells us that her mom and stepdad are the most in-love couple she’s ever known, Jake answers back that “there are no words to describe it” and then there’s a long, awkward pause and then they make out for a bit.

“I relate to a lot of the things she’s saying. Vienna continues to surprise me,” Jake tells us after the locking of lips. “She is absolutely here for the right reasons.” (which is another tired, overused cliché already on this show. Thanks a LOT Rozlyn, for ruining it for the rest of us Little Miss “I wasn’t here for the right reasons!”)

Back at the girls’ mansion, the fake doorbell sound happens and the girls are excited to find out who will be going on the group date this week. Ella (the hairdresser with bad hair on the first episode, but who’s getting prettier and prettier as the series is continuing) laments that “I still haven’t had any date with Jake.”

One of the other girls who has no storyline so far this season (Kathryn? Jessie? Who the hell ARE they, anyway?) tells the group that Corrie (Sarah Jessica Parker-y), Elizabeth (football girl who won’t let Jake kiss her), Ali (canary yellow girl whose luster is starting to rub off a bit), Tenley (former Disney princess/very bendy), Jessie (I know, I know…who?), Kathryn (not even registering on the radar as being on this show), and Crazy Michelle have all been selected for this next group date.

In true date card form, Jake poses a conundrum for the ages: “Love is no laughing matter – or is it?”

Michelle sits there twirling her hair and looking generally pissed that she isn’t going on the one-on-one date with Jake. Jake and Vienna are still out on their date, and the girls are eagerly waiting to see that he’s dumped her while this scene unfolds. Sweet, doe-eyed Tenley tells the girls, “I’m thinking he’s going to see what the girls in the house are seeing in Vienna and she’s not going to return,” and again we wonder, “What did she do?! Tell us, please, so we can hate her too!”

Cut back to Jake and Vienna getting into a hot tub on their date. They laugh about how scared they were and then Jake suddenly realizes that he needs another excuse to walk around in a swimsuit with no shirt on, and so he tells Vienna he forgot something. He gets himself out of the tub, walks inside to pick up the rose, and brings it back outside – although this time it’s not shoved down his butt crack, so I’m thinking things are going to go better for Vienna than they did for Rozlyn last week. He gives Vienna the rose, and she of course accepts it happily. They kiss again (no tongue).

Then Vienna goes off the deep end with her love for Jake. “I’m on Cloud Jake right now!” she enthuses. "I can’t describe it in words. I’m having the best time of my life!” (Really? Better than zip lining with your petrified dad who buys you too many cars?) “Jake’s my Prince Charming. He’s it. He’s the real thing! Today is the best day of my life so far, but the best day ever will be when I marry Jake!” and we sense that Vienna is about to suffer some sort of setback. Whenever people get too cocky on this show, they are about to be nailed by other contestants or dumped.

We find out that Vienna is going to have to face the other girls, and it ain’t gonna be pretty. She comes back in the house and the girls are shocked Jake didn’t dump her. Ali especially is gaping open-mouthed and my Dislike Meter for her is starting to ratchet up a bit. “I’m a little shooken (sic) up that she came home at all,” she tells us. Bad grammar. Ali is fading fast for me.

The girls ask her how the date went, and Vienna says she doesn’t kiss and tell, which visibly pisses them all off even though Vienna just told them that she and Jake kissed. Sheesh, ladies, what more do you want?

We come back from an ad to find the ladies who are part of the group date meeting Jake outside somewhere. Jake tells them that on their date they will be going to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in Universal City. I notice that Michelle has feathery hair now because I notice things like that. And what is it with trotting out tired, old acts this season? First Chicago and now Jon Lovitz? In Hollywood there was not ONE other more current comedian that we like better who could have done this segment? Ellen DeGeneres did The Bachelor a few seasons ago and now all they can score is Jon Lovitz? What gives?

Jake and the girls go inside the club and meet Jon Lovitz and we get to hear his list of major credits, which only takes about 15 seconds. I remember now that he is one of the few people who’s ever been on Saturday Night Live whose characters have never made me truly laugh out loud. Him and Joe Piscapo. The girls all whoop when they hear his credits and generally effuse too much since in their eyes he’s a big Hollywood celebrity. What they don’t realize is that Jake is a WAY huger celebrity than Jon is right now. When you Google Jon’s name you get just over 333,000 hits. When you Google Jake’s you get over 3,000,000. Compare the hits and do the math. Who’s bigger?

Jon tells the girls that there is going to be a comedy show tonight and that the girls are going to “be the show”. Cut to Elizabeth looking all freaky and scared and saying, “This date is scaring the crap out of me. I’m freaking out right now!” We start to see more of a hint of Elizabeth’s crazy eyes here. Another closet crazy about to come out? Let’s wait and see.

Jon brings the girls to the back to start writing their bits and proclaims to them all in true “I’m an old, yucky guy who’s used to getting sweet young things into my bed because I’m famous” form: “Ladies, my face is up here.” So gross. What a slime ball.

We cut back to the mansion and the fake, sad doorbell sound can only mean one thing – the last Date Card of the night. We know it’s for a one-on-one date, but who will score the coveted alone time with Jake? It’s Ella! And she’s super excited! And she splays her fingers out and says something about “spirit fingers”! And she has a giant, red flower attacking the right side of her head!

They all swoon as Jake’s words are read: “Let’s lift off to another world.” Wow! I get it! Jake is a pilot and lifting off is..oh…nevermind…

At this point, Vienna takes it upon herself to tell the group of girls what an amazing man Jake is and how great her date was. OK, I’m beginning to see a little bit of why the ladies don’t like her. Gia tells us: “Vienna doesn’t know when to shut up. She stole Ella’s moment. Everyone’s just tired of hearing about her date with Jake.” Then Gia throws a bitchy head bob look at the camera. I get why they don’t like Vienna now, but it still doesn’t explain what made them hate her before this conversation happened. And by the way, Gia wins for most unrecognizable outside of her make-up. I keep having to stop the episode tonight, ask, “Who is that?!”, and then realize that it is Gia.

Back at the comedy club, Jon Lovitz is giving the girls advice about writing their jokes. “Set up the punch line,” he tells them. “Be yourself!” Which, by the way, are both pieces of advice I could have given the girls and I’m not a comedian. “It was so helpful that Jon Lovitz was there!” one girl says. I’m shaking my head right now.

Ashleigh (the one who kinda looks like Kyra Sedgwick and has also had zero storylines this season except for one scene in a smokin’ hot bikini) now starts crying. She’s nervous to go up on stage. She’s not sure why, but she’s breaking down on the inside. “I have a great poker face, but something came over me,” she tells the camera. “I’m just like this nervous girl who can’t be funny. I’m clearly like not happy right now.” Um…clearly. Do I detect a smoker’s voice on ol’ Asheligh? It’s deeper and raspier than I would expect.

In response to the meltdown, Corrie tells us, “The funniest chick in the house is crying right now,” which is interesting since we haven’t heard Ashleigh say one funny thing all season. Why even throw in a comment like that?

They are almost ready for their show when Jon drops a bombshell on them that we didn’t see coming at all (read that again, but in a snide, sarcastic tone, OK?). They are going to be performing in front of a REAL, LIVE audience! Ali waxes eloquent and tells us, “My stomach, like, sank.” Then we realize that Jon’s version of “live” may be different from ours as a whole herd of very senior senior citizens begins to file in wearing really bad button-down short-sleeved shirts in all sorts of loud, crazy colors and prints.

This whole comedy show is a wonderful example of how the producers manipulate us. I look at the venue, and can plainly see that they have only set up a few rows of chairs up close to the front. The club is definitely not full. And how much do you want to bet that the crowd watching the show was all plants from the producers? They would have to be, right? If any Joe Schmo came off the street to watch the show, they could go right back out and blog about which girls were still left, etc. which would ruin the show. So I’m sure the producers hand-selected people for the audience and made them sign away their firstborns (or in this case their condo in Boca) if they peeped a word of what went on at the show anywhere else.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth is still freaking out (“I can’t even come up with a knock knock joke right now!”) and Ashleigh is still crying and playing with her hair. Cut to commercial.

Back at the comedy club, the girls are all sitting on stools upstairs looking down on the stage and the audience. Jon Lovitz is on stage now and reminds us right off the bat why we haven’t really seen or heard of him since the late 80’s. “You might know me by my stage name – J. Lo.” (Get it? Like we call Jennifer Lopez J. Lo too? I’m just keeping you up to speed here, folks.) He starts off with that wham-zinger of a joke and then leads into a story about having to perform before an all-male stripper revue in Vegas once. “They were called the Thunder from Down Under, and I asked them why they named themselves after my crotch.” Rim shot and fake laugh track edited in since the old people in the audience are either offended by the joke or don’t get it. Oh how the mighty have fallen…

Ali is up first, and right away I notice that her wardrobe choices have changed. She’s in a tight-fitting tank top that doesn’t leave much to the imagination. She’s overly-giggly and we get to hear her tell two lame jokes. I don’t write down the one whose punch line is, “I’m a little elementary,” but when I hear the Disney reference in the second one, I have some hope. “Why did Tigger look in the toilet?” she asks the audience. Insert sounds of crickets (or as Ali calls them: grasshoppers) here. “He was looking for Pooh!” is the response, and we all groan.

The next girl is one of those nameless Kathryn/Jessie girls who I can’t keep track of and she tells some joke about her family being so fat that she can’t “even tell they are Greek,” thereby offending not only Greeks, but people who are overweight everywhere.

Next we see poor Tenley on the stage doing some sort of contortionist act for the crowd. I’m not sure how it relates to stand-up comedy, but the shots of the crowd show them in stitches so we must have missed something truly hilarious. I’m sure the Walt Disney Company also appreciated seeing her in that compromising position. Princess indeed! (Mary Poppins voice). I also flinch because at this point I still think she’s preggers and probably shouldn’t be doing those moves in her state.

Elizabeth takes the stage next and gets bleeped twice during her jokes. Now I’m officially convinced that it’s going to be a long night for the Courtney Cox look-alike. She was all sweet and sporty at the start of the show, but tonight she’s borderline raunchy. How did she do a 180 from “I won’t let you kiss me!” sweet girl to stand-up potty mouth so quickly?

Kathryn asks Jake to join her up on stage. Once he’s there she asks him to get closer and closer to her until he’s finally so close that he gives her a quick kiss on the lips. “I just want to see how those lips taste. There is no punch line!” she tells the crowd and thus seals her fate as a vapid no one on this show who will never make it to the end. No storylines and no brains = no ring at the end. How do you see a taste, anyway?

During this scene, we get shots of Crazy Michelle scowling down at the stage from the balcony. “When I finally kiss Jake it will definitely be long and passionate, soft, crazy, tongue in your mouth, going crazy with the pulling hair or whatever you know ripping the clothes off,” she tells us in a Schwarzeneggerian grammar style. “I have something up my sleeve that will get his attention. It will blow the other women out of the water,” she tells us, and we know this is gonna be good.

Michelle gets up and asks the crowd if they know why there are no coconuts on the fake palm trees on either side of the stage. No one answers because no one cares. “Anybody?” she asks in true “Buehler?” form. Still no response. Flash to Jake back up in the balcony with a deep look of concern, “Where is this chick going with all of this?” his face seems to say.

Jake’s concern is founded when we hear that the reason why there are no coconuts on the trees is because, “They’re on me, waiting for Jake.” Cut to a shot of Crazy tapping the microphone on her boobs and cut to a shot of me realizing that Michelle doesn’t have much to be tapping in the first place. THAT’S her big joke? Her follow-up is even worse. “I’ve never been golfing, before, but I’m waiting for that hole to get my one-on-one…” Priceless shot of Jake looking flabbergasted. “Is this chick for real?” his face says. We hear lots of fake ooo’ing and booing sounds and Crazy Michelle’s set is done, thank God. Even Jon Lovitz is speechless.

Crying, scared Ashleigh is supposed to go next, but she’s too freaked so they skip over her and go right to Corrie. She does a funny job of imitating some of the girls as they “really” are in the house. “Hi! I’m Tenley! I love to work out! I’m obsessed!” She imitates Kathryn and has to be bleeped a bunch. Apparently invisible Kathryn has quite the potty mouth too. Tenley portrays Vienna as “screamy” and shakes her boobs around a lot while talking about long, blonde hair extensions, showing off her boobs, talking crap about all the other girls in the house, and how no one wants to be her friend. Again, I wonder why we haven’t seen Vienna actually doing much of this yet. What gives?

Cut to Jake who is worried that the girls are all making fun of Vienna, the girl he liked a lot and just shared an upside-down kiss with. “That worries me a bit,” he says.

Scared Ashleigh miraculously rebounds at the end and gets on the stage to tell three blonde jokes. She’s blonde, so I guess that’s OK, right? They are lame and she reminds me of Julia Roberts now for some reason. Kinda brash mixed with trying to be sweet too. For those who need a joke at their next gathering, here they are in full:

1. How do blonde brain cells die? Alone
2. What did the blonde get on her SAT? A coffee stain.
3. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Write “Please turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper.

Hi-lar-i-OUS!

Ashleigh tells us that she is “very relieved and I loved it because I just gave my all!” and Jake tells us that she “absolutely blew me away tonight.” If that’s all it takes to blow him away, Jake needs loftier goals in life. They were blonde jokes, Jake. You can find them on the Internet. Make her tell you how many men she’s slept with. THAT will blow you away…

After the commercial break, we see that the group date has moved from the comedy club to the very posh-looking and pink-and-blue-neon lit Franklin Hotel in Hollywood. Jake takes Tenley aside first for some alone time, and she says she’s nervous. “He still doesn’t know anything about me,” she worries (Except that she’s very flexible. I’m guessing a guy like Jake doesn’t forget that, right?)

Those of us who have been reading the Facebok fan page and seen the ads on TV know that this is going to be the time when Tenley admits she’s pregnant. That rumor has been going around for a while now. She says she has something to tell Jake that she’s scared to talk about. “It’s unfair that I have to tell a man” this information, she tells us. We’re all set for the big baby-mama drama, but instead she tells Jake that she was married, her husband cheated on her with someone who was important to her, and that the cheating guy is the only guy she’s ever “been” with. And I go, “Huh? That’s it?! Where’s the story of the unplanned pregnancy and Jake’s doltish reaction to it? But we were duped. Another manipulation by the editors, no doubt.

Why is Tenley so upset by telling Jake this? “Sorry I have a story to tell,” she gushes wistfully. It’s like she thinks she’s damaged goods because of a creep who broke her heart. She’s being over-sensitive about telling Jake, though. He’s already heard tales of eloping and cheating roommates. Not much is going to ruffle his feathers.

Jake says that Tenley’s admission makes him like her more. She goes in to hug him, but then says, “I don’t want to get lipstick marks on you.” Then they hug a bunch and she says a lot of stuff that’s muffled by the fact that her mike is pressed up against Jake’s pecs. “Mmmm…you smell good,” she tells Jake.

Ashleigh/Kyra Sedgwick, but kinda Julia Roberts with a smoker’s voice is up next, and she wastes no time in telling Jake that Vienna is definitely not the girl for him. “If that is what he likes, then he definitely will not like me,” she says. She tells Jake that girls were “upset and livid” that Vienna stayed after the one-on-one date. Jake is confused and asks the camera afterwards, “What is it that I’m not seeing (in Vienna)? She’s the controversial figure in the house and bless her heart she’s not even here to defend herself on the date.” Bless her heart? What 29-year-old guy says that? Jake has all of a sudden become an 87-year-old grandmother in the blink of an eye.

We cut back to the mansion and the fan is about to be hit big time. The girls are having it out in the living room. Gia tells Vienna that no one wants drama, and that she’s been the only one in the house to defend her. Vienna tells her she doesn’t really know what Jake wants (Um…duh…a wife?). Gia tells her that no one wants to even sleep in the same room with her. Vienna tells Gia, “You are as fake as can be!” and then walks out of the room saying, “Every girl in this house is fake!”

The word fake gets used a lot on this show, and I’m never quite sure what anyone means by it. Fake like they don’t really want Jake they just want exposure for their acting careers fake? Fake like plastic surgery/spray tan fake? Fake like not acting like the way they act outside of the house fake? Because every girl who has ever been on this show is guilty of all those kinds of fakery. So no one girl can cast any stones.

We see Vienna upstairs alone and sad in her bedroom writing a letter to Jake. We never get to see what it says, though. I’m sure it was full of words like “fake”, “absolutely”, and “journey” though. “I am here for Jake,” she tells us between the tears.

We go back to the hotel group date now and it’s Ali’s turn. She’s worried because she hasn’t had any time alone with Jake since their cool Chicago-out-in-a-field twinkly light date. “Did he change his mind about me?” she wonders. Her mind is put at ease, though, when Jake tells her that he felt a lot of chemistry with her and that it was “one of the best dates I’ve had ever.” Ali breathes a sigh of relief and then instantly starts to throw Vienna under the bus by saying that she was hurt when Vienna came home and that the two girls are “fundamentally different”. The girls are cattier earlier on this season, and we’re loving it! Am I right?

Jake kisses Ali and then tells us a big, fat lie when he says: “I’m not a serial dater. I don’t have more than one girlfriend at a time,” when he clearly has six or seven girlfriends waiting for him back on the patio.

Ali gets back to the group and proposes a toast to Corrie, who tore it up imitating the girls back at the comedy club. Everyone toasts except for Michelle. They call her out on it, but she doesn’t seem to care. She tells us, “It’s about me. I’m ready to get married and give my mom another grandbaby. Everyone in my family says it’s my turn. Not that I’m desperate, but I’ll be there at the end for sure!” Which makes us all feel a bit superior since we can plainly see that she IS desperate, and we definitely know that she WON’T be there at the end. No way, no how.

We come back from the commercial break and Ali is giving Michelle advice about one-on-one time with Jake. “I hope you’re able to open up. Jake wants that,” she advises. Michelle takes the advice as criticism and says Ali’s attacking her. Ali says she’s not. Crazy Michelle tells us, “I didn’t leave everything to have play time,” which is supposed to let us know that she’s serious about being there and has sacrificed a lot to be on the show, and no one else has. “Jake really needs to see that side of her,” invisible Jessie says, and Elizabeth tells the group that, “We all came here to find love.” Michelle says her brother has love and her mom wants grandkids and then walks away. Bitter party of one, please?

Obviously, Michelle has some family issues that are bubbling up as part of this process. Sounds like pressure from Mom to be popping out those babies ASAP, competition with bro, who apparently already has started his wife popping, and criticism from the girls here. It’s all part of a delicious Bachelor recipe that I can’t wait to sample.

Now it’s Crazy’s turn for some one-on-one time with Jake. She tells him she’s been emotional and crying, which I’m guessing isn’t really what a guy wants to hear from his date. Hey Michelle! Here’s a suggestion. Why not start off with, “It’s really great to see you again! Nice hair!” or even something like, “Vienna is a bitch!” like the other girls did. But no. Michelle is going to go for the full-on crazy here.

“I’m not overly emotional or dramatic. I’m honestly in love 100%. And I just feel that I’m the only person that is really truly here for that reason. I just really want a husband.” And Jake’s crazy sensors are finally kicking into high gear. His face is changing and his body language is removed and guarded.

“I believe you,” Jake answers back in one of the funnier, more ironic moments of this episode. The look on his face says it all. He knows she’s 100% certifiable grade-A nutso now.

Michelle’s eyes suddenly get all half-lidded and I think, “Is that supposed to be her sexy come hither look?” She adds to the awkwardness by asking Jake, “Would it be awkward if I could kiss you to see if I really feel something?” And of course it would be. That’s why the cameras are rolling and on full-on close-up right now.

She puts her lips over his and encircles his lips while they kiss. His mouth is closed. “You gotta give me something more than that! I feel that we do have a connection. Not being able to really kiss you hurts me,” she complains, but the damage is done. From across the way, the other ladies notice that Jake and Crazy have kissed, but they also notice Jake’s body language now.

Jake heaves a big sigh and lowers his head, and Crazy asks him why he has his head down. “I’m almost ready for this night to be over. I need to digest,” is his answer. Which, again, is something I’m sure everyone wants to hear after their first kiss – digestion and nights ending. Such a romantic, that Jake. “I can’t stay!” Michelle answers back. Because Heaven forbid that Jake didn’t make smoochy smoochy with her and fireworks didn’t go off for her too!

Then Michelle tells Jake, “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay,” thus putting the burden on him to decide whether she stays or goes, even though she has just said she will leave. “I think it would be better if you did leave,” Jake answers her, and finally Crazy’s bluff has been called. He walks her past the other girls, who are staring open-mouthed, helps her get her purse, and then escorts her out to an ugly lime-green taxi van. No limo for our Crazy Michelle. She goes out in an ugly taxi van.

While she’s waiting for the taxi to pull up, we get some choice interview lines from her. Here’s a sampling:

-“Everybody felt…certain people felt I was THE girl!” (love how she changed the subject quickly on that one)
-“He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue!” (except that she had suggested leaving first)
-“I wanted to kiss him, not him giving me a kiss like he gave me a peck. What is that all about?” (Um…Michelle? It’s about you being creepy and you having your lips in a perfect circle around the outside of his. That’s gross. People don’t like that.)

She rubs her neck a lot (another sure sign of crazy on this show) and then gets in one more pot shot at Jake: “I just can’t believe you’re doing it! I didn’t think it would be this way. This is stupid!” she yells, implying that the decision was all his to make after she herself has just said that she should leave. Jake tells us that “love is a two-way street and she just didn’t know how to get there,” which is weird, but we sort of get what he means when it comes to Michelle.

And so we bid a fond adieu to the first crazy of the season. We will miss Michelle’s menacing scowls, her complete and utter lack of reality, and her too-too-funny coconut jokes.

Jake comes back to the rest of the girls and they fake “ooo” and “ahh” when he tells them that Michelle is gone for good. They just saw it all play out in front of them. “The moment I see that someone is not the one for me, we don’t have to wait for a Rose Ceremony,” he tells them ominously. He also tells them that this isn’t the rock star after-party he had hoped for and that he won’t be handing out a rose tonight to anyone. Ali says she’s happy he dumped Michelle. “That takes a strong, confident man,” she says.

We come back from the break and it’s a new day. We get canned shots of the sun rising from all angles. Ella’s one-on-one with Jake is today. It’s her big day, and she’s wearing a big, bangly, beady green necklace to celebrate. She says she feels like it’s her wedding day and she can’t wait to see her groom. Yuck. How do they get the women to say lines like this when they barely know this guy?

Jake arrives and says that since it was her birthday the other day, that he has a “special date full of fun and surprises”. Those of us who read the spoiler sites know that this date was not intended for Ella at all originally. The producers originally set this date up to be for Rozlyn and her son, but since she got canned off the show the week before, they shifted the date over to Ella since she has a kid about the same age.

Another helicopter swoops down and whisks them away to their secret destination which we all know already will be Sea World since they’ve shown it a million times in those “Up next!” segues they do between ads. Ella shows us her two sides by at first telling Jake, “Let’s see what this baby can do!” as they ascend in the copter, but then telling us, “I am going to let him know the person that I am. The woman. The mother. I want him to know everything about me.” Which I don’t think anyone wants to know all in one date. There’s such a thing as too much, Ella. Don’t let that bite you in the butt, OK?

Back home, Vienna tells us that no one slept in her room last night. She knows some girls are jealous of her, but she’s going to be the bigger person. She sits with the group and apologizes to them and tells them she needs to do a better job of respecting how they feel. Gia even gives her a hug and it feels all warm and fuzzy.

Then newly-bitched-out Ali jumps in and tells Vienna that she appreciates the apology (which means she doesn’t really), and then tells her, “I wasn’t upset that Jake went on a one-on-one date. I was upset that it was with YOU!” and that she told Jake that same thing. Vienna tells her she just came there to apologize, but Ali tells her that every girl in the house has felt the need to walk away from Vienna at one point or another. Ouch. C’mon, Ali. Really? What has Vienna done to you personally?

Ashleigh chimes in by telling us that Vienna “just wanted a quick fix” and that “anyone can apologize, but there are some serious questions.” And again I ask, “What are those questions? Why are we STILL not getting any background on why they all hate Vienna so much?”

We cut back to Jake and Ella cruising in their copter down to San Diego. He tells her that they are going to Sea World and she answers with, “I love dolphins!” Poor, sweet Ella.

They walk under the entranceway to the park and there’s a big “Welcome Jake and Ella!” banner plastered over them. Wow…what planning and forethought on the show’s part, huh? I can just see the flunkie staffer who had to rush to Kinkos to replace the “Welcome Jake and Rozlyn!” sign with that new one. That’s someone’s actual job, folks.

Jake tells her he has a birthday present for her, and of course we fans of the show know that it’s going to be her son, Ethan. And sure enough here he comes sneaking up next to her and she’s surprised and teary. It’s a big lovefest and Jake introduces himself. He wants to know if she’s surprised, but she shouldn’t be if she saw Stephanie and her kid on Jason’s season pull the exact same surprise. It’s old hat for us die-hards.

On a more serious note here, I think it’s always weird when they bring kids on to this show. It’s like the kids on those Super Nanny programs. I always wonder how the other kids treat them when they get back to school the next day after the show has aired. “Hey Ethan! Did you have fun hanging out with your mom’s new boyfriend who pretended to like you and who’s dating a bunch of other women?” What does a kid say to all of that?

OK…back to the real show.

The three of them do the park and watch the polar bears, hang with the penguins, and swim with dolphins (how fun did THAT look?) Did any of you notice Ella’s clothes changing with the scenes? Originally she had on a blue dress that was short and tall thigh-high-ish boots. Then for some reason in the polar bear house she had on a reddish/orange tube top. Were these scenes filmed over more than one day? Methinks we are victims of the editors yet again. That, or Ella dressed in layers.

They have a picnic and Ella is back in her blue dress. Jake gives Ethan a balsa wood airplane which Ethan proceeds to throw in the air. They all watch it do a straight nosedive into the ground. We wonder if that’s a metaphor for how the date will go, but it’s not. They all seem to have a good time and Jake pretends to be a father and does fatherly things with Ethan like lift him up to get his plane and stomp around with penguins.

Those of you who remember Stephanie from Jason’s season (you know…alabaster Nicole Kidman creepy too-tight skin? Southern belle? Too sweet and saccharine-y? Yeah…that one…) will be doing double-takes at Ella since they seem to be almost twins in terms of personality. Ella calls Jake “an angel” and says, “He looks like he could be Ethan’s daddy!” These were all the same things Stephanie did, and we know how far it got her. Not looking too good for Ella. Girls with no edge come up empty on this show. She needs to be less “down home” if she wants to win this.

They ditch Ethan by putting him into some random SUV with a frowsy blonde in the front passenger seat and then get some alone time. Cuz it’s kinda creepy to be mackin’ with your lady when her son is sitting right there crashing the balsa wood airplane you just gave him symbolically into the ground. They both agree it was a wonderful day, and Jake gives her the rose while a whole flock of flamingoes starts to drown them out in the background. They kiss, and I swear I see Jake’s tongue come out of his mouth for a quick bit. Anyone else catch that? Or am I making it up?

The fact that she got the rose surprises me since the spoiler sites were saying she got dumped on this date. I heave a heavy sigh that I probably can’t trust the spoiler sites AGAIN this season. What fun is THAT?! Cut to commercial.

Next, Jake arrives to the cocktail party. He tells us that it’s an intense night and that he can feel that intensity in the air.

First off, he takes Elizabeth/Courtney Cox aside for some alone time. She has told him that she wants him to respect her wishes that he not kiss her unless she’s ”the one”. “I do want to kiss you,” she tells him but now she’s asking him if he gives good backrubs and is bummed that she’s wearing a dress that’s not really conducive to Jake’s good backrubs. Jake calls her “The Queen of Mixed Signals” and we laugh that it finally seems like he’s about to call her out on this whole “don’t kiss me but do you want to kiss me?” thing. Enough is enough.

“You’re very confusing. You’ve a lot of different sides,” Jake tells her, which is Bachelor speak for, “I think you’re nuts!” Then he basically calls her a tease and calls her out on the fact that if she’s not holding off on the kissing for spiritual reasons, then what reason does she have? Go Jake! Ferret out those crazies!

As all of this back and forth is going on, we suddenly see Vienna on the sidelines standing there watching like a creepy chaperone. Elizabeth suddenly realizes that she is about to have her date interrupted just as she was called out as being a tease, and so she shouts, “Hold on! We’re not ready yet!” But Jake lets Vienna come over.

Sad, pissed-off Elizabeth joins the other girls on the couch. “I’m mad! I didn’t know if he needed me to kiss him tonight to give me a rose! He wanted me to kiss him and he thought I was sending him mixed signals. I’m shocked by this conversation tonight! He doesn’t understand me. He’s confused by me.” Poor, misunderstood, it’s-your-own-damned-fault, kiss-less Elizabeth.

And there you go. Our third official crazy of the season. If this girl says one more contradictory thing, I’m gonna dump her myself. “Don’t kiss me! Do you want to kiss me? If I let you kiss me, will you give me a rose?” Just get out already. We’re sick of you and your Courtney Cox ways.

Now Vienna is crying to Jake that the other girls are ganging up on her. Jake doesn’t seem to care. “I saw what I needed to see on our date,” he reassures her. Vienna tells us, “I’m head over heels for him right now. Jake is perfect. He’s perfect for me. He’s NOT perfect for all the other girls.”

So I’m guessing the fact that Vienna cut in on Elizabeth’s date even though she was already holding a rose pissed off more than a few people who watched. I don’t think it was a particularly bad thing to do. It’s a game and she’s trying to stand out and win. But I do see now a little bit of why the other girls are hating on her.

Vienna gets reminded that there are some girls who haven’t had any one-on-one time with Jake yet and that she’s selfish for taking up their time. I say screw ‘em. Vienna got there first. If you don’t want to be invisible on this show, then stand out like she does. OK…off my soapbox now.

Now Elizabeth is crying. For some random reason she tells us, “I’m not just vanilla. I’m all colors of the rainbow!” which is either a really random way of telling us she has more than one side, or a subtle way of telling us she’s a total sex kitten. Elizabeth gets herself all worked up over the fact that she got interrupted with Jake still not “getting” her, and she gets up and rushes past Vienna to the bathroom and slams the door. Vienna is clueless about what has just gone on.

Ali gets mean and says, “I don’t think anyone likes Vienna,” and then tells Vienna to her face that same fact, just in different words.

We cut back to an interview with Elizabeth where she’s going all crazy saying things like, “I’m not just some fish in a pond waiting for some hook. I’m 29 years old! I can get a date any day of the week!” which makes us wonder why then she is on a dating show. But I don’t want to open that can of worms with her. She’ll probably want me not to kiss her or something.

Elizabeth is now back from the ladies’ room and is chatting with Jake again. She admits that she’s been dangling the kissing like a carrot, but wants to talk about it more. She hopes Jake keeps her around so they can find out where this all goes. If Jake is smart, he’s already turned her picture upside-down in his mind. We think he might be catching on to her more when he tells us, “I don’t think that Elizabeth has quite figured herself out yet. I think that Elizabeth is scared. And I feel like if she controlled the situation that it would be less painful.” Which is a total dis that Elizabeth is a control freak who is out of control. Go, Jake!

As they go to break, Elizabeth says to the camera, “I feel like I have so much to offer Jake. I would really be surprised and hurt and shocked if I didn’t get a rose tonight,” which is the death knell for our crazy girl Elizabeth. Nice to know ya, sweetie but you’re outta there guaranteed.

(Side note…during the commercial break, there’s an ad for the season premiere of Lost and I do a little dance in my seat. Now back to our regularly scheduled program…)

When we come back to the show, we get an exterior shot of the mansion, and it makes me wonder. Why are the driveways of all of these houses always wet like there was just a rainstorm? And why are there neon blue lights surrounding the edges of the rounded windows? Enquiring minds want to know.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, but first Jake has to think in the room with all of the photos. He holds Elizabeth’s picture and says, “There is a whole lot more drama in this house than I am seeing.” Must suck to be Elizabeth tonight, huh?

He walks in to where the girls are all waiting for him and tells them that the only thing getting him through this tough evening is knowing that his wife is standing with him in this room tonight. He says that a lot, doesn’t he?

The first rose goes to Gia, and we get a shot of Elizabeth looking sad. Corrie, who did all the imitations of the girls at the comedy club, gets the next rose. Tenley is next and we hope to have her stop the festivities to announce she’s pregnant, but it is not to be. Curses. Foiled by the producers again!

Ali gets the next rose, and we cut to a shot of Vienna closing her eyes at the news. Elizabeth now has a defiant look on her face.

Jessie (all together now…”WHO?!”) gets the next rose while Elizabeth puts on her best fake, “I’m really happy for you” smile. Kathryn is next and we don’t know her at all so we don’t care.

Now there’s only one rose left, which means either Crazy Elizabeth, smoker’s voice Ashleigh/Kyra Sedgwick, or Valishia who gave Jake dirt are going to be out tonight.

There’s a dramatic pause and the last rose goes to….Ashleigh! Elizabeth and Valishia are out. Valishia wishes him the best and then tells us in her exit interview that she’s used to things not going her way. Then she breaks down and starts crying, and we kinda feel sorry for her. Someone needs to give that girl a lesson in first impressions. Dirt is obviously not the way to go. Did anyone else notice her profession? It said “Homemaker”. How does one go about being a single homemaker? How do you support yourself? Makes me wonder if Jake got worried that it would be up to him to support her all the way and he didn’t like that thought.

Next Elizabeth says goodbye to Jake. “I should have kissed you!” she says at the end all sexy and flirty, which just makes things that much worse and more awkward. She should have left well enough alone and made a graceful exit. In her exit interview she says, “I just feel like I have an idea of who he is and what kind of man he is,” (isn’t that the same thing?) “I felt like we were advancing as a couple. It hurt my feelings. Of course it hurt my feelings. So what’s done is done.” And with that, Elizabeth is gone too. I bet the first guy who catches her on the rebound is in for some serious making out, right? She’s not gonna make that same mistake twice!

On the previews for next week we see that the girls are going to be taking a road trip in an RV and that they all still hate Vienna. We see the scene where Jake throws a rose into the fire and wonder what THAT’S all about (unless we’ve read the spoiler sites, which now I admit could be wrong. Bummer!)

Lastly, we watch the credits roll while we see Jake up on the stage back in the comedy club. He’s listing off his “Top Reasons You Know You’re The Bachelor” and some of them are actually kind of funny: “When every girl you ask on a date says yes.” and “You spend more time in a hot tub than anywhere else.” and “The only other man you see in weeks is Chris Harrison.” But then he goes and ruins it all by being pukey and saying, “Your biggest dream of finding true love is about to come true.” Bleah!

If you stayed with this entry this far, I thank you. I know it’s kind of pathetic that I write this much about a reality show, but hey…it’s fun for me. This stuff is a nice, temporary reprieve from the realities of life and the world. I hope you find something fun, funny, or entertaining here too. Leave me a comment and let me know you made it this far! Catch you next week, Bachelor fans!