First off, I usually put this at the end of my postings, but I realize that they are really long and most of you probably don’t even make it to the end. I wanted to invite everyone to join my Facebook page called After the Rose. It’s updated more regularly than this page is. Join us there for clips, gossip, cartoons, and hopefully some fun chat. Right now I only have 24 fans, which is pathetic considering this page had over 400 hits last week! C’mon….you know you wanna join!
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OK…now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to what you REALLY came here for…
It’s hometown date night tonight on The Bachelorette. And you know what that means, right? Time for Ali to check out all the guys’ families, decide which one is the craziest, and dump that guy. It happens like clockwork every season. Remember Jason going home to meet Naomi’s family back on his season? Naomi’s mom had a dead bird in the freezer that had hit her windshield? And it was the same freezer where they kept their frozen dinners and popsicles? And she made Jason say a eulogy? And they buried the frozen carcass in the backyard? Remember? Like total nutso crazy? You can’t make this stuff up, people.
I guess it’s only fair to let the bachelors and bachelorettes meet their potential in-laws before they dive into giving and accepting wedding proposals. But it always ends up making one of the hopefuls look worse since they come from a weird family. Tonight was no exception. More on that later.
Hometown Date with Roberto, or “Steeplecat, Steeplecat, What Are They Feeding You?”
We start off tonight’s show with scenes of Ali walking through some sort of verdant garden area. Her voiceovers are telling us that it’s down to four guys now. She says she’s nervous for the hometown dates, but that she’s also excited to meet everyone’s families. We see a shot of her packing her shiny, spangly shoes into her suitcase, so you know Ali feels fancy and means business.
Suddenly salsa music starts playing and we know that Ali is heading to Florida for her hometown date with Row-bur-toe. With all the spicy music and shots of interesting architecture, we must be in Miami Beach, right? Um, no. The words at the bottom of the screen actually tell us we are in Tampa. Tampa. Saying that word actually just made me yawn. The name sounds like a feminine hygiene product. But if the producers want to “spice up” a boring city with a little Latin music, then who am I to judge? I’m just saying it was a bit of a letdown.
Ali meets Roberto at the campus of the University of Tampa (yawwnnn…), where apparently Roberto attended and played baseball. They do the patented Bachelor/ette “lift and leg wrap” maneuver as they greet each other, Roberto asks her, “How ya doin’, beautiful?”, and Ali’s annoying laugh is back in full effect. We immediately notice that she’s wearing her signature bright, canary yellow, so that’s a good sign.
Roberto has told Ali to wear shorts and be ready to be active today. Gee…I wonder what they will be doing? Water ballet? Riding horses? Oh! Roberto used to play BASEBALL! That’s it! I bet they’re going to play BASEBALL!
Sure enough, Roberto pushes open a gate like he’s about to show Ali the final resting place of the Ark of the Covenant, the music sweeps, and GASP! It’s the ACTUAL field where Roberto played baseball in college! It’s all that we dreamed it would be and more, including pixilated-out advertisements all around the outfield. Weep weep. Ali’s such a lucky girl.
Roberto shows Ali a jersey that just happens to be lying in the dugout and, lo and behold, when he turns it around it has her NAME on the back! Her NAME! Ali WAY over-enthuses about how excited she is to see “ALI” printed on the back of some lame jersey and we look away embarrassedly.
Then Roberto leaves and comes back…wait for it…wearing HIS uniform from when HE played in college! AND he’s number 19 AND there’s a number 19 on the back of Ali’s jersey too! Can you believe the coincidence of it all? I mean, what are the odds?
We get lots of scenes of both of them batting and fielding and throwing. Ali’s not as athletic-looking as they made her out to be. I mean, she’s holding her own and would probably run circles around me, but she’s definitely not ready for the Olympic softball team by any means. I thought the reason she looked so bad this season in all of her fancy dresses is because she’s such an athletic tomboy. Turns out that she just looks better in athletic clothes. Who knew?
At one point in their little outing, Roberto cozies up behind her to show her how to properly hold the bat. We all recognize this move for what it is – a chance to get into a sexual position but still keep your clothes on. Ali totally knows what he’s up to and snuggles right back into him.
After the fun and frivolity out on the diamond, they sit down to a picnic lunch on the field. Roberto takes this opportunity to take out a little gift he has for Ali – his baseball card from when he played baseball. Ali is way too impressed about it. Those of us paying close attention can see that the team he played for is not the Yankees or the Dodgers. It’s the Steeplecats. What the #%@# is a steeplecat? I just looked up the team online, and they are playing The Laconia Muskrats this weekend if anyone’s interested in going. (UPDATE: I just checked it out on Google and Wikipedia, and as far as I can tell a steeplecat isn’t even a type of cat. Huh? Also, Microsoft Word is underlining “steeplecat” in red, so it’s not even really a word.)
Ali thinks Roberto is “smokin’ hot” on his card. She’s digging a man in his uniform, especially a baseball uniform. I have to admit Roberto sizzles up the hotness meter in basically whatever he’s wearing, so more power to him. I just wish those weird dents in the top corners of each of his eyebrows would finally grow back in. Some manscaping salon in Tampa (yawwwnnn….) needs to give him his money back.
They toast with champagne and talk about being nervous and excited to hang with Roberto’s family tonight. Roberto tells her that his dad is an ex-Army Ranger and can be tough, and that his mom is passive and doesn’t like to argue. Um, OK. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Dad bosses and Mom complies to avoid an argument.
They kiss and make out a lot during this whole segment. These two are definitely still feelin’ some chemistry. They can’t keep their bodies off of each other ever. If they went any further they’d need their own After Hours show on Showtime with the Big Brother cast.
Now it’s nighttime and the two of them are walking up to Roberto’s family’s home. Ali has on yellow again and is wearing heels that seem way too high for a first meeting with potential in-laws at their house.
Ali gets introduced to Roberto’s family – his dad Roberto Sr., his mom Olga, his sister Olga, his brother Peter (who is also, fortunately, smokin’ hot), and Peter’s wife Kristin – and is immediately bummed when she realizes that if she and Roberto end up together she’s going to have to name her firstborn son Roberto and her firstborn daughter Olga. Olga? I mean, can you just imagine Ali’s WASP-y family being excited that their first granddaughter is named Olga?
They all make small talk around the dinner table and Ali says she’s driven through Tampa (Yawwwnnn…) but never really stopped there before. Gee, I wonder why? It couldn’t be that Ft. Lauderdale, Miami Beach, and Orlando/Disneyworld might be a bit more interesting when one is deciding on Florida destinations?
Roberto’s brother asks Ali why she gave Roberto the First Impression Rose back on the first night and she recalls Roberto telling her to “…just look here in my eyes…” if she felt stressed out. He calmed her down and really impressed her.
Next, Roberto and his dad head outside for some alone time. Roberto wants to know what Dad thinks about Ali, but his dad only talks about how great Roberto is. “You’re a prize!” he says proudly, but with his accent, it makes it sound like he said, “You’re a price!” and so I get confused for a second. How much does Roberto’s dad think he’s actually worth?
Next, the “Roberto is a prize!” theme continues as his dad brings Ali into a room filled with trophies and photos from Roberto’s baseball days. At first I think it’s nice that Roberto’s parents have saved all of this for him in his old room, but then the camera starts panning around and I realize that there is nothing else in this room besides a couch and all the awards. It’s like Roberto’s parents’ shrine to how great he was when he played baseball before he met Ali. Now he just sells insurance and exudes manly hotness. I think it’s strange that his parents have a room only devoted to his past greatness. Roberto should have all that stuff at his own house.
Sitting in the trophy room, Roberto Sr. wants to know what goals Ali would sacrifice for Roberto. Ali sidesteps the question and says she’d do what is best for the whole family, implying that she can’t wait to start making babies with this guy’s son. Ew. She talks about teaming up with Roberto and maybe accomplishing work goals together. Maybe they could go into business together and market canary yellow #19 baseball jerseys! When you see them on the runways in Milan next year, you can say you heard it here first. As Dad and Ali get up to leave the trophy room, it’s notable to me that the camera stays for a few extra seconds on the faux-pleather yellow couch. There’s that yellow again!
Next we watch Roberto chatting outside in the backyard with his mom. He tells her that, given the chance, he will most likely propose to Ali. Then, for some reason, he switches to Spanish to ask for his mom’s blessing. We even get the English subtitles below, which makes me wonder if Roberto’s mom has even understood anything going on tonight. Why did he need to switch to Spanish at that exact moment? Mom, of course, gives her blessing, and I notice that she is really pretty and looks really young. Not bad for being married to a tough ex-Army Ranger, huh?
The producers always have to put people on this show in really awkward situations, and Roberto is no exception. In the next scene he and his dad are sitting on a bed together (a bed? Really? Ew.) and Dad is giving Roberto his blessing as well. They speak a bit in Spanish, but we don’t get subtitles.
For the last scene, we cut back to the living room. Roberto’s parents are dancing to some Latin music and I feel bad for Roberto. Who wants to bring their girlfriend home to watch their parents dancing in the middle of the living room? Humiliating. But Roberto makes lemonade out of his parents’ gigantic lemons and pretty soon everyone is up and dancing too.
Although the camera leaves the happy family cha-cha-cha’ing to their heart’s content, we get an ominous voiceover from Ali who’s talking about future decisions. “I think the closer I get to (picking the final guy), I’m almost getting cold feet along the way…” Cue ominous music and fade to black.
Home Town Date with Chris, or ”Welcome to the Most Depressing Date of the Season”
One of the staples of this show is that almost every season, one of the remaining bachelors or bachelorettes has to have a sad story back in their hometown. For her hometown date, Meredith took some guy to her grandmother’s grave (Grandma had died while Meredith was taping the show). Joy…just what every guy wants to do on a romantic date. Make out in a graveyard. Cue sad music and memories of Grandma.
Back when we thought Ali was a shoe-in to woo Jake’s heart, she brought him home to meet her family, but not before a stop at her dead grandmother’s house complete with photos and minor chord background music to make us all sad. Then they made out in dead Grandma’s backyard.
This season is no exception, as Ali now arrives on Cape Cod in Massachusetts to meet Chris. Chris’s mom died from cancer last year, and he moved home to be with her until the end. Her death has obviously really affected him, and throughout this season he’s opened up a bit more about how close he was to her and how much her death has profoundly impacted the surviving members of his family.
The mood is already set for this date as they greet each other on a gray, rainy, depressing Beach of Love. Chris has already been kind of a sad sack for most of this series. I get that he has just lost his mother, so I don’t begrudge him feeling blue and disconnected. But then why go on a reality dating show before you’ve processed any of that? He’s not somebody who has come across as joyful or passionate about anything this season.
Both of them are dressed to fit the mood – drab, gray, dull, nothing bright. They play fetch with Chris’s dog Jenny on the beach.(UPDATE: I just read on Ali's blog that this dog is actually named "Jetty". I'll trust her over what I heard last night with my own ears.) Jenny is one of those dogs who’s great at going after the ball, but won’t give it back once it’s firmly clenched between her teeth, which is a great metaphor for Ali’s quest to find the perfect mate. “She doesn’t know how to drop it,” Chris tells Ali. Smirk.
I notice that Ali and Chris don’t kiss when they first greet each other. With Roberto, Ali literally got to home plate before the date was even over. I also notice something about Chris tonight. He talks out of one side of his mouth. I guess that’s not important, but it’s interesting.
In a voiceover Chris tells us that Ali is …”smart…playful…drop-dead gorgeous…I just want to run in circles when she’s around…” and then we laugh as we see his dog running circles around them on the depressing Beach of Love. “She’s the perfect girl for me!” he tells us, and we realize that in a past life Chris was a puppy dog who ran circles on the beach and never listened to anyone.
They walk along the beach for a while and Chris scores the line of the night by pointing out that there are probably whales mating right out in the ocean there “as we speak”. I really hope that one of them cracks a “humpback” joke, but no such luck.
Ali tells us, “I feel the romance already! This is awesome!” but we have noticed that they still have not kissed once and that they are still on the depressing Beach of Love with a dog who won’t give up the ball. Hmmm…do you think she’s lying or has been edited?
Next, they head to Chris’s house, which is actually a very cute New England-style place. Of course, their first stop is to the shrine of photos and memorabilia Chris has in memory of his mom. It’s actually very sweet to see his parents’ wedding picture and shots of Chris as a little boy. Cue strings and pass the tissue.
Chris tells us that he’s sad his mom will never get to meet his future wife. She met both of his brothers’ fiancés, but that can’t happen for him now that she’s gone. Chris is the oldest of the three, so apparently he’s feeling stressed about being the only one not to have wed yet.
Ali and Chris take glasses of beer out to the front porch and start a cute conversation where they pretend to be a married couple sitting on the porch and watching the world go by.
“So dear, how was your day?” Ali asks him.
“Honey, the boss was yelling at me all day. Sigh…I need a beer!” he answers.
“This is awesome!” Ali replies.
Besides being entertaining, this whole exchange sets the stage for what their real life together will be like – vapid, mind-numbing conversation fueled by booze and screaming bosses. Good times on Cape Cod.
At one point in their conversation, a car zips by and beeps at them. Ali asks if it’s someone from Chris’s family, but he says no. It’s just a random car beeping. Then, throughout all the rest of Ali’s date at Chris’s house, I notice that there are lots of cars whizzing by. Apparently Chris could afford a nice place in a crappy location since it sounds like he’s right on the highway with the amount of ambient traffic noise that fills the rest of the outdoor scenes.
Chris says he hasn’t brought anyone home to meet his family since his mom died and that he wouldn’t have brought Ali back home if he didn’t think his family would love her too. He again says he’s jealous of what his brothers have and I notice that his hair is extra spiky tonight.
They kiss on the porch and Ali says she’s excited to meet his family. In his best run-on sentence, Chris answers back, “You make me smile and happy and I like that a lot.”
Next, Chris’s family arrives. We meet his dad first, who seems like a nice guy with a weathered New England face. Immediately I notice that he has the same gross black bump under one of his fingernails that Ty had last week. Either it’s a sign that Chris is not getting a rose tonight like Ty last week, or that Ali only surrounds herself with people who don’t know how to correctly operate a hammer. Chris’s dad also has natural, pointy, Doctor Spock ears. Geeky chick magnet.
We meet Chris’s two brothers, Mark and Eric, who are cute, but Chris is definitely the hottest of the three. We also meet the wife and fiancé (Meaghan and Sarah) of the two brothers.
They crack open a bottle of wine that Chris and Ali brought from their winery date in Portugal. Chris steps into dicey territory when he tells Ali, “If you get Meaghan and Sarah bombed, they’ll love you!” which kind of makes it sound like they won’t like her sober.
Meaghan and Sarah both immediately notice that Ali is wearing one of the same Dennis bracelets that they have too. Ali says Chris gave it to her two days ago in Portugal, but wasn’t she in Florida with Roberto two days ago? I’m not sure how they edit this show. I just don’t even try to figure it out.
Something popping up a lot this season that I also noticed back on Jake’s season is that Ali says the word “important” a lot, but she pronounces it like “impor-int” and omits the first “t” sound for some reason. Why do people do that? Is it an East Coast thing? It makes her sound like a little kid to me.
They all crowd around platters of shellfish and start to eat while Chris’s dad tells her that their family motto is, “Love is the only reality.” Which is nice, but also kinda puke-y at the same time. In my family our slogan was, “Get your elbows off the table and get your hands out of your pants!” Go figure.
They sit around and chat with each other, and it feels like Ali is coming off a little ditzy in this part. They want to know what made Chris different for her and she says he’s “…funny…caring…(and) family-oriented…” She giggles a lot and seems a lot like someone on the outside of a clique trying too hard to break in.
Chris’s dad tells the story of how he and Chris’s mom met, and I wonder why he would want to air these details on national television once I hear what he has to say. He walked into a bar when he was 22. His future wife was there too. She was 19 and had gotten into the bar using a fake ID (Excellent parental role-modeling here…) Apparently, Chris’s mom had turned to a friend and told her that he was the guy she was going to marry, and she was right. Two years later they were married. It’s a sweet “love at first sight” story that resulted in a lifelong, loving relationship. I guess I’m too cynical, though. Personally, I’d be bummed if my folks told me they met illegally in a bar the first time.
Ali gets some alone time with Dad, who tells her that she and Chris have a lot in common. They both gave up jobs to help nurse sick loved ones until they died. Ali says she had never made that connection before, and Jake is watching this at home and rolling his eyes since he had to endure the funereal tour of Grandma’s house last season and Ali doesn’t even remember it.
Dad says his goal is to have all three of his sons happy and married before he dies. He also says, though, that Chris has never had that “someone special” to share his feelings with, but that he’s “…an incredible kid.” This speaks volumes about Chris’s past relationships. He kind of sounds like damaged goods. Add in the death of his mom weighing on him, and Chris L. may not be the best catch for Ali right now. Too much baggage there.
Now Chris is chatting with his two brothers and their significant others. They can tell he really likes Ali since they can see he’s giddy as a schoolboy around her. But they are also worried since this is, after all, a competition and Ali is choosing between four guys right now. They want to watch out for him since he’s the kind to “…jump in with (his) whole heart...”
Chris again is excited that Ali will “fit right in” to the family, but I’m not really feeling it on this date. There is a pall of sadness and depression surrounding this whole part of the episode. Nothing feels light and fun like with Roberto.
Chris and his Dad get some alone time on the porch with more traffic zooming by in the background. Chris again says he’s pissed that his brothers got to “show off” their future wives to his mom and he won’t get to do that too. This guy needs to be married too much. Big warning sign. Dad answers back that Mom is probably “up there” orchestrating this whole thing. “You’re the first born. You mean a lot to us. Now why aren’t you married like your brothers? Are you defective?” Well, OK. He didn’t say those last few parts. But you could see it in his weathered, New England face.
Chris says a tearful goodbye to his family, and then announces to Ali that he has one more thing to show her. This date feels like it’s been going on and on and on. Is it just me or was this date like twice as long as the other ones? It plodded along and never felt like it would end.
Chris and Ali walk up to the top of some random stone tower that is on Chris’s property. I have no idea what it is. Maybe my readers from New England can enlighten us? Anyway, they climb up to the top of it, set their wineglasses perilously close to the edge (the parent in me kept flinching any time it looked like their elbows were anywhere near the glasses), and touch their foreheads together. Awww… “Damn, you’re cute!” Chris tells her and kisses her neck. “I love it when you kiss my neck,” Ali answers back. A 7th grader could have written this dialogue, folks.
They finally make out (with much less passion than with Roberto, I notice), the music swells, I see Ali has a French manicure on her nails, and then we are finally done with the depressing hometown date of this season. I need to go put on some Katy Perry or some Ke$ha and lighten the mood a bit. This was all a real downer, huh? Where’s Krazy Kasey when you need him?
Kirk’s Hometown Date, or “My Dinner with Vienna’s Mother”
As we open on Kirk’s hometown date, we do a double take when we hear the music. We see shots of a tractor harvesting in a field and we see cows, both of which we associate with Wisconsin. Agriculture, cheese, farms – I’m getting it so far. But I think that the producers accidentally piped in the music they hoped to use in case Ty scored a hometown date in Tennessee. What’s up with all of the banjo pickin’? It sounds like an episode of Hee Haw playing in the background. Something is definitely wrong here. Kirk is from Green Bay, Wisconsin, not the Blue Hills of Tennessee. I think the nice citizens of Midwestern Green Bay might be kind of bummed to have their town associated with southern banjo music.
For some reason, Kirk is standing in a gazebo in the middle of a random local park. He runs up and hugs Ali, but doesn’t get the wrap-around leg action from her – probably because he’s too short to be able to lift her all the way into the air. She’s wearing a bright yellow jacket, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we will again be watching a happy, upbeat Ali this time. For his part, Kirk says, “Holy cow!” way too much, but it’s endearing in a Midwestern way, so we’ll give him a pass this week. He’s still a bit too hyper and naive for Ali, I think, but we’ll see.
Kirk tells Ali that they will actually be visiting two households today. His folks are divorced like Ali’s but what’s different is that Kirk’s parents don’t speak to each other any more while Ali’s do. Ali thinks that’s weird. She thinks that Kirk has inherited trust issues because of his parents’ relationship, so she’s treading lightly for now until she finds out more.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this posting, another Bachelor/ette formula for the hometown dates is that one family has to be crazy and have the crazy music playing in the background. Unfortunately for Kirk, his dad’s house is the place getting the treatment this time around.
Kirk takes her to meet his dad (who, Kirk tells us, is a man of few words), his stepmom (who looks like she could use some advice from the local Mary Kay representative), and his sister Nikko (sp.?). Kirk makes a point of saying “…my adopted sister Nikko.” for some reason, like saying that she’s adopted explains their age difference or something.
We’ve been seeing previews for this next scene for weeks now, but the kooky music starts and Kirk’s dad invites Ali downstairs to see his basement. If you ever are meeting a strange family in Green Bay, Wisconsin my advice to you would be NOT to go down to the basement alone. Unfortunately, Ali doesn’t have the Spidey Sense I do, and she heads down to the depths like Clarice Starling looking for the killer who peels skin off of his/her victims in Silence of the Lambs. The parallels here are creepy, no?
Of course the entire basement is filled with Kirk’s dad’s taxidermy projects – both completed and in progress. She puts her hand over her mouth all grossed out and says, “Oh my god!”
“This is what I do,” Kirk’s dad proudly announces. “I bring animals back to life!” Maybe the producers were right to use the backwoods banjo music for this date after all?
He says he’s done thousands of animals and we get creepy close-ups of many of them including shiny tongues, bared teeth, and prey still hanging from jaws. It’s truly an off-putting scene for those of us used to seeing live animals in the wild or in the zoo. Ali speaks for many of us when she says, “I love animals, but I love them when they’re alive!”
Cut back up to the living room where Kirk, his sister, and Mrs. Anti-Mary Kay are talking about how they think Ali will react to what she finds down in the basement. “Maybe she’ll say, ‘Oh, cool!’” the little girl predicts, and we laugh since we know at this point Kirk’s dad has most likely lowered Ali into a well and told her to “put the lotion on its body!”
Now Ali is staring wide-eyed as Kirk’s dad takes her on a tour of his finer masterpieces. “What is this?” she asks, pointing to a weird piece of fur with googly eyes on it.
“That’s a caribou foot that I put eyes on it,” comes the reply. OK, right now I hereby apologize to the producers for making fun of them including banjo music at the beginning. They knew exactly what they were doing. This guy could not be any more redneck – from the extra “it” at the end of his sentence, to the fact that decorating animal feet is something he seems to enjoy and take pride in, to his crazy hair that hasn’t seen conditioner since ’76, this guy has nuts written all over him.
Next, he takes Ali over to a freezer and keeps with The Bachelor/ette tradition of dead animal remains in cold places going by showing Ali not only frozen carcasses, but frozen parts and organs he’s removed from other animals. It’s like a Who’s Who of disgusting animal dregs in there, and Ali can’t wait to get away.
Upstairs, Kirk is asking what they think of Ali and if he should ask her to marry him. The little sister tells Kirk that he should definitely ask Ali to marry him. Then she holds her finger up and starts repeating, “Redrum! Redrum!” over and over again while blood starts dripping down the walls. Or something like that.
The stepmom agrees in a completely flat, monotone voice tinged with a Midwestern accent. The camera pans around the room filled with all sorts of porcelain tchotchkes that she bought for $5 apiece off of QVC.
We go back down to the basement where Ali has just finished trying on a coat made completely out of the skin that Kirk’s dad has collected from his murder victims is sitting down and chatting with Kirk’s dad. Dad says that Kirk hasn’t brought many “gals” home, and we completely understand that since they all probably got thrown in the well and doused with lotion and skin coats. Word gets around, y’know.
“He’s one of the good guys,” his dad says about Kirk. Ali says she had a good conversation with the dad. We laugh uncontrollably throughout this entire scene because in another coup of perfect “over the shoulder” placement by the producers, there is a completely skinned animal that is obviously in the process of getting a makeover from Dad right over Ali’s shoulder. It’s a hilarious juxtaposition to see cute, yellow-clad Ali going on and on about how nice it is to meet Kirk’s family while a poor, dead, skinned rodent huddles behind her in a death pose. The only recognizable features of the animal we can make out are the dead-looking eyes. Poor thing.
We finish this scene with a shot of a stuffed squirrel holding what looks like a raspberry in its paws. I bet Kirk’s dad is getting orders out the wazoo after this episode. If anyone’s wondering what to get me for Christmas this year, I’ll take two caribou feet and a raspberry squirrel, please. What’s not to love?
Next, Dad and Kirk talk one-on-one and Kirk’s dad ups the serial killer/stalker ante by telling Kirk, “I’d love to have her around here all the time…She seems really nice.” and Kirk’s stepmom wishes the dad would say the same thing about her and makes a mental note to start wearing bright yellow and giggling loudly at nothing in particular.
Kirk’s dad reminds him that the reason he and Kirk’s mom split was because they got married so young and grew apart. He tells his son to make sure that he and Ali are compatible. But he ends up giving Kirk his approval in the end and tells him he knows Kirk will make a good decision.
To really add to the serial murder movie scenario, the producers next give us a shot of Kirk’s dad and stepmom gazing out their back window while Kirk, Ali, and the little sister play soccer in the backyard. A true stalker shot there. “I haven’t seen Kirk like this before,” his dad mentions while we see that Kirk actually CAN pick Ali up. It looks like he’s attacking her and throwing her body around the yard while little sister whoops it up and laughs. The family that murders together, stays together, apparently.
In a voiceover, Kirk tells us that he was worried about taking Ali to his dad’s house, but that it all went as well as he could have thought. Now he can’t wait for her to meet his mom.
We come back from commercial, and it’s time to meet Mom. As they walk up to the house, Ali’s voiceover tells us that she’s worried Kirk has never been in a serious relationship before. I notice that there is a random bench on the lawn just sitting out by the street. In my neighborhood, that bench would be gone in less than a day, so apparently the crime rate is lower in Green Bay.
They walk in and meet Kirk’s grandma Arelene, his mom Tina, and his sister (I think her name was Tawna or Tania, but I couldn’t make it out). Immediately I notice something that throws off my whole evening. Was it just me or was Kirk’s mom EXACTLY what you would have pictured Vienna’s mom to look like? Kind of a washed-out, bleached-up lady who’s definitely “seen a lot of life” as they say. It was eerie to keep making that connection throughout this segment of the show. I kept seeing Vienna whenever they cut to Kirk’s mom. Of course, the one main difference is that Kirk’s mom’s mouth happens to be full of braces. I’m guessing Vienna’s mom is pretty much toothless at this point (Yeah…I said it! So what?)
Kirk’s sister is hot, no doubt. I’m not sure where she and Kirk got their looks since Mom and Dad haven’t weathered the years too well.
The family sits right down to a typical Midwestern meal – meatloaf, carrots, and TWO kinds of potatoes. Grandma seems especially interested in getting the meal started. She reminds me of the “Where’s the beef?” lady from the 80s. She’s very focused on getting that food passed and on letting Ali know there are TWO kinds of potatoes. “Dish up the cheesy potatoes!” she urges the group.
They chat while they eat and Kirk’s sister wants to know what makes Kirk special for Ali. Ali answers that he’s “quirky…funny…and positive” which describes every guy on this show except maybe Chris L., who is too sad sack to be labeled positive. Ali also likes that Kirk made her that sad scrapbook on the first night they met. He says his sister told him not to give that to Ali on the first night, but he smirks across the table at her as Ali says that it made an impact on her and she liked getting to know him that way early on.
Kirk blushes and tells us he wants to be with Ali in the end. The 7th grader in me snickers just a bit. Tee…hee…hee…”in the end”.
Kirk goes outside and talks to his sister while she sits uncomfortably on a swing. “She’s magnetic!” he tells Sis. “I feel better when I’m close to her…She likes me for me.” The sister just kinda sits there doe-eyed and swoony and nods her head. “I’m ready to finally give and receive in a relationship…This is what I want,” Kirk affirms and again we tee hee hee. This is too easy.
Next Ali gets some alone time with Vienna at 60 years old Kirk’s mom. They talk about Kirk’s fight during his illness. You may remember that during college Kirk moved into the Amityville House and ended up sick with mold and toxic infections of all sorts. Mom pulls out a tattered, yellow Live Strong bracelet and tells the story that she and Kirk always wore the bracelets throughout his illness and recovery. Two days before he left for California to be on the show, Mom woke up and her bracelet had snapped off of her wrist and fallen off. She took it as a symbol of a new beginning. We take it as a symbol that she should probably make the track marks on her OTHER arm so the bracelet won’t fall off as her veins collapse has really thin wrists. She wells up as she tells the story.
Kirk next has some one-on-one with his mom and she says she could tell he was “…instantaneously happy…” She thinks she’s a good judge of people and likes Ali a lot. “I think it’s your turn now (at love)” Mom says to Kirk. They hug, and it’s actually pretty sweet. Kirk and his family are likeable and genuine. “I’d be lost without my family,” he says.
Then he goes and ruins it all by saying, “I feel ten times more confident today (about his relationship with Ali…)” This, of course, is the death knell of their relationship. We may as well fast forward to the Rose Ceremony now, because we know this guy isn’t making it through to the next round of dates.
He hugs Ali goodbye next to the ubiquitous SUV with tinted windows and tells her, “You fit right in!” They kiss, but there is way less passion here than with either Roberto or Chris. You can just feel that Green Bay Kirk is a little too “green” to keep up with the likes of San Francisco Ali.
Frank’s Hometown Date, or “Captain Tootie”
Last but not least, it’s Frank’s turn for the hometown date in Chicago. He tells us he’s happy to be home and misses Ali a lot. “I’m very ready to bring her home and introduce her to my parents,” he tells us, and we can only hope we will get to see Frank’s room at his folks’ house. Will it still have his Guns ‘n’ Roses posters up? His Pamela Anderson Baywatch poster? The Playboy hidden behind his bed? We can’t wait to find out.
We see lots of typical Chicago shots – the downtown skyline, shots of the El, etc. Frank is out on a pier and Ali runs up to him. She’s not wearing any yellow, which is probably a bad sign. Frank tells her that they are going to go for a boat cruise on the river through downtown. The boat leaves and Ali exclaims, “Oh! This is SO fun!” What she’s saying here is that this is WAY more fun than the awkward boat ride she took with Craig in Turkey where he tried to put the moves on her and her body could not have been turned any more awkwardly away from him.
They tell the captain to toot the horn and he does and they laugh. They pose for lame photos again. This seems to be a new running theme to the show too. Gia did it with Jake in New York Harbor. Now it’s Ali’s turn with Frank.
Then we get to hear them talking. Ali tells Frank she could be meeting her future in-laws today, and Frank gets way too over-animated. “That’s right!” he yells with a toothy smile as he all of a sudden realizes that Ali just gave him a little hint that she kinda likes him. Frank is too over-eager about everything and comes off as way too insecure. Ew. His voice is even trembling as he speaks. Is he nervous? Excited? About to pull a knife?
Then the music turns serious as Frank tells us that it’s been very up and down for him these past weeks. “It’s really hard,” he laments. “This is really, really important to me!” He goes on and on about journeys and having faith and how tough this all is. Then he butchers pronoun usage and says, “I can have faith in you and I and you send me home tomorrow.” Clearly Frank is at a crisis of faith in his relationship with Ali AND in his relationship with the English language.
Ali tells him not to think about all of that. She says that when Frank overanalyzes and questions everything, that’s when things get “iffy” for her. She can’t tell him her true feelings, so she needs him to have faith right now. So far this date is sounding like a cross between a Southern Baptist tent revival and a George Michael hit from the 80s (cuz of the faith, get it?)
Ali says she can’t figure him out, but she tells him, “I feel good about you.”
“You do?” Frank asks a little too desperately.
They spend the rest of their time on the boat looking sad, forlorn, and bored. At least they have their arms around each other, but the sunny, happy, captain-tooting-horn feeling that they had at the start of the date is definitely gone.
Next, the words at the bottom of the screen tell us that we are still in Chicago, but the scene we see looks agricultural with green fields and brown pastures. Maybe the producers got it wrong again?
They walk in to the family house, and meet Frank’s family. His mom Debbie is there, as well as his dad Hank. His sister Becky (who is hugely pregnant) is also there with her husband Chris. Becky looks exactly like the female version of Frank. The resemblance is spooky. It’s Frank in a wig. And what was up with the mom's elbows? For this entire segment they are bright red. Skin disease? She leans on them a lot? It was distracting.
They start off their visit by all cracking lots of sarcastic jokes. It gets kind of annoying. Mom jokes that since Frank is the last hometown date, Ali will probably boot him off the show now. Har har. It’s all bad jokes trying to be funny in an awkward way. Oh, and Mom definitely gives Brenda Vaccaro a run for her money with that husky smoker’s voice, huh?
Frank tells us that Ali, “…just shared our sense of humor,” which actually does make me laugh since Ali has not tried to say one funny thing this entire time. Mom and Ali head out to the backyard with their glasses of wine, and Frank is way too excited about it.
Ali says she likes the weather here and that she can feel the seasons changing like back home in Massachusetts. Frank’s mom asks Ali, “Is Frank possibly the right person for you?" and Ali answers, “Yes…I really like him a lot…” Then Frank’s mom says it feels like Frank and Ali have already been dating for a year, and I’m not sure if that’s her way of saying she feels like she already knows Ali so well, or that Ali is such a dull, lifeless shell of a human on this date that the time feels like it’s been stretching out for an eternity. She ends by saying she thinks the two of them are cute together, and we know for sure she didn’t just see the most boring boat tour of Chicago ever.
Now Frank is talking to his sister and brother-in-law in the living room, and I can’t help but notice that the entire room is decked out in an Asian theme. It’s like a little slice of Beijing, Tokyo, Saigon, and Bangkok all in the same living space. There are Shoji screens, Chinese vases (from Pier One, no doubt), figurines, Asian symbols…the whole nine yards. Odd.
The three of them chat for a bit, but it’s all boring. I can’t understand why fans like Frank so much. He’s twitchy, oily faced, and just so dull it makes you want to scream in his face. The gist of the conversation is that, surprise! surprise! they just want Frank to be happy and hope the best for him.
Ali somehow ends up with a new wineglass (this girl is plowing through some serious alcohol during this entire episode, huh?) and heads outside for a tete-a-tete with Frank’s sister. Sis says that Frank can be clouded by his emotions and that he’s scared that he’s so vulnerable. This family is so boring that I actually have nothing snipe-y to say about any of this.
Frank chats with his dad alone and tells him that he really likes Ali a lot. She gives really good French kisses under the Hollywood sign and skips really well – especially down emergency lanes. Dad says he likes Ali a lot too, and that she’s a good person, she’s genuine, and she’s a lot of fun.
“I REALLY like her,” Frank replies. “I want to be married.” Warning lights begin going off at this last declaration. More and more Frank seems like the type of guy who is here for the wrong reasons. He’s one of those typical contestants on this show who is falling in love with the idea of falling in love, but he’s missing all the joy and spontaneity of getting to know someone for the first time.
I forgot to mention it earlier, but Frank’s outfit during this whole segment deserves some discussion. He has an overshirt on over what is either a really stretched out t-shirt or a white tank top. Either way, the chest on the undershirt/tank top is WAY too low and is exposing much too much skin and shaved chest hair. It looks like it’s been stretched down too far somehow. We know it’s not from Ali putting her paws all over him in the boat earlier, so he must be wearing it that way on purpose. Pull up the undershirt, Frank.
The end of the date is nigh. Frank tells us, “Ali could very easily be the girl I propose to,” although he thinks he might also want to propose to that brunette we saw in the previews last week that makes him need to talk to Ali about something serious in Tahiti next week. Ali says, “His family is so great!”” and she can see herself being a part of it.
They walk out to the SUV and kiss. Frank puts his hand up on Ali’s face and, you guessed it, there’s that stupid thumb ring again. Despite this horrible fashion faux pas, Ali announces to us that there is a “…really good possibility that Frank and I will end up together at the end of this,” which anyone who has been watching the previews knows is nowhere near what will happen at the end.
Alas, we never got to see Frank’s room. I’m dying to know what it looks like, aren’t you? Maybe we’ll get to see it in InStyle one of these days if he makes it to the end.
The Rose Ceremony, or “Will Anyone Whose Father Does Taxidermy in the Basement Please Take One Giant Step Forward? You Need to Leave Now”
Back in Los Angeles, Ali’s limo pulls up to the mansion from previous episodes. The driveway is, of course, all wet and puddly and there is steam rising in front of the headlights for extra added effect. Chris Harrison comes out and opens Ali’s door and escorts her inside the house.
As she gets out of the limo, I can see that she has on a really gorgeous dress. I’m loving the shade of lavender and all of the roses along the bodice. Of course, though, the designer has to go and ruin it again by making it too long, thus making Ali have to stoop over to hold it up and ruin any beautiful line the dress may have had before.
She sits down for some one-on-one time with Chris. It’s immediately apparent that the make up people have caked on WAY too much lavender lip-gloss on Ali. Her lips look like they are being pulled downward with the weight of goop on them. The sheen her lips give off can probably be seen in Lesbian Lisbon.
Chris and Ali review each of the hometown dates one by one. It’s basically a rehash of everything we’ve heard before: Roberto is hot in a uniform, but is a fairytale guy that she doesn’t feel she deserves, she loved meeting Chris L’s family, she knows Kirk wants to be with her but isn’t sure that’s what’s best for her, and Frank was weird for the first part of their date, but she loved meeting his family.
After all of this Chris asks her, “Is your husband among these men?” and Ali makes a pregnant pause for effect, and then says with foreboding, “I’m scared.”
She starts to cry and goes on about how hard it will be to let one of the guys go tonight. “These hometown dates were pretty extraordinary!” she says. She’s not ready to let one guy go. Chris leaves her alone with her giant tears rolling down her face, but not before he flashes his GIANT watch. Man, that thing took up half his arm! Who needs a watch that big? You might as well glue a full-sized clock to your forearm. They cut to a shot of the fountain outside, which is apparently also crying giant tears. No sign of a giant watch on it, though. Cut to commercial.
Now we’re back for the Rose Ceremony. I think it’s significant that Chris L. finally decided to dress up tonight. He’s got on dress shoes AND a tie. He must have gotten a talking-to from his sisters-in-law. For his part, Roberto is the casual one tonight with his top button undone and his tie slightly loosened. All of the guys are playing “Whose hair is spikier?” as they wait for Ali to come in. They all assume the typical “Put your hands in front of your balls or else Ali is going to symbolically kick them hard” pose that all the bachelors make on this show.
Ali hunches into the room with bad posture and says her heart is pounding out of her chest. She starts to talk to the guys. “This has nothing to do with…” but then has to break off as she starts crying again. I notice her lips are WAY less glossy right now. Someone finally wiped off 90% of the stuff she had on in the other room.
She starts again. “This has nothing to do with your families,” she wails, and we know that’s a lie since every contestant from a crazy family gets dumped after the hometown dates on this show. Every one. Right now Kirk is wishing his dad could have had a hobby more mainstream than taxidermy like, say, fantasy football? Or possibly stamp collecting?
Roberto now has switched to the “I am so confident in getting a rose tonight, I will take my hands away from my balls and put them in my pockets” stance. The other three stand in defensive mode.
Roberto’s sixth sense was right on as Ali calls his name out to receive the first rose. He accepts it, and we get a shot of Frank looking all stalker-y and jealous. I notice that Frank has on a weird jacket tonight. At first glance it looks like a sports coat, but then when I look more closely at the collar and lapels, it kind of looks like a weird Members Only jacket. Odd choice.
Chris L. gets the second rose and he happily accepts it. Cut to Kirk looking nervous and wearing a skinny tie that is evoking a very Spandau Ballet vibe.
Now it’s down to Frank and Kirk, and of course Ali gives the last rose to…Frank. Kirk is out. Our eyes go wide as we realize that when Frank says that he will accept the rose, he doesn’t use Ali’s name at all. I am floored.
Kirk is expressionless, and Ali walks him out to the courtyard. They sit down, and Ali says she’s sorry.
“Don’t be sorry,” Kirk answers. Awww…he really is a sweet guy and I feel sorry for him just a bit.
Ali tells Kirk that, “It’s not about you or me, I just don’t know that we’re right together,” which is code for, “Your dad creeped me out with his caribou feet and you tossed me around in the backyard like a soccer ball way too much. Oh, and your little sister is weird.”
Kirk responds with, “Thank you, I guess. You’ve been my first real shot at doing this. It just sucks that it has to stop right now.” His first shot at doing what? Finding love on a fake reality show? Being dumped on national television? Having his dad finally exposed for the ruthless killer that he is?
They stand up and she asks Kirk for a hug. He hugs her, and then Ali escorts him to the limo, blows him a lame kiss, and stands there forlornly watching as the limo pulls away as if Kirk is being led away to the electric chair.
In the back seat interview, Kirk tells us, “I really, really did not see this coming. I’ve never had my heart broken before.” Apparently Kirk has always been the heartbreaker in the past. “This is definitely new,” he says.
He felt good and would have proposed to her if he had made it to the end. “My heart is a bit bruised right now. This sucks.”
Ali tells us that she cares a lot for Kirk and knows that he put himself out there. And with that, we bid adieu to Kirk. I’m sure this exposure will treat him just fine. Judging by all of the Bachelorette online bulletin boards, he has a bevy of beauties just waiting to sweep him off his feet now that Ali has left him in the dust.
Back inside the mansion, Ali announces to the remaining guys that they are now heading to Tahiti. The guys are excited, and Frank actually needs to put his hand on Chris L’s shoulder for support when he hears the surprise announcement.
Previews, or “Déjà Vu All Over Again”
There is no new footage in the previews. It’s all the same, sweeping shots of how beautiful Tahiti is, how Ali is ready to take her relationships with the three remaining guys to the next level, and how Frank is about to spill some very bad news to Ali. The real fireworks start next week.
Closing Credits, or “Sit, Ubu, Sit! Woof! Good Dog!”
We get our first truly funny clip of the season tonight as the closing credits roll. We are back on Chris L’s porch on Cape Cod and Ali wants to know if his dog Jenny knows any tricks. Chris, of course, says yes, and it starts a funny montage of him trying to get Jenny to do all sorts of things and Jenny not having any response at all except to the word “Treat!” When Chris says, “Treat!” her tail wags and she’s all about the attentiveness. But when he tells her to sit, it’s like she has no idea what to do.
Chris gets frustrated about looking like he doesn’t know his own dog at all. “Dammit, Jenny! You’re killing me!” He turns to Ali and deadpans, “She’s nervous to be on TV.” It’s a cute scene and finally shows a little of the upbeat personality that I’m sure is buried somewhere inside Chris L.
So there we go. Only three more episodes left this season – the final three, The Men Tell All, and the finale. Who will Ali choose? No spoilers, please, but if you have an opinion about the winner, come and share it with us! Don’t forget to join “After the Rose” on Facebook too. Thanks for reading and commenting, and catch you next week!
