More foolishness...

Here's another cartoon. Are you feelin' these? Should I make more? Or quit while I'm ahead?

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Something Special

Here's some never-before-seen footage from when Ali dumped Kasey on the glacier. Enjoy!

Ali Dumps Kasey

Bath Houses, Leather Pants, and Oil Wrestling -- Happy Gay Pride One and All!

And we’re back again for another round of stupid fun with Ali and our bachelors. I haven’t been updating my Facebook page as much this week since I had my own “brush with stardom” and auditioned for a game show down in Hollywood. It was a fun experience even if they don’t call me back, but it took me away from my blogging duties. Hopefully I’ll have some extra surprises this week to make it all up to you.

If we learned one lesson from this week’s episode, it’s that Turkey is one of the gayest countries of all time. And I’m not using “gayest” as a putdown. This episode truly shows us Turkey in all of its fabulousness with its festive bazaars and its sordid back rooms. Some parts of this country put San Francisco to shame. And I am a gay man! Go figure.

Let’s get started and see what I’m talking about.

The Confrontation with Justin, or “Let’s Get Ready to Rrrrruuuummmble!”

We start the episode with previews of what’s coming tonight. We see there’s going to be a big blow-up between Ali and one of the bachelors. There’s a mysterious phone call. There’s even another handy-dandy, full-color map for us to see how one would fly from Iceland to Turkey. We watch as the cute little jet goes from Iceland, through Paris, en route to Istanbul (not Constantinople). The Bachelorette teaches us so many things – how to make bad choices, how to sing off key, and, apparently, world geography. We are so blessed to have this show around…

We cut to shots of Istanbul, which looks beautiful. We see the guys arriving and Roberto saying stupid baseball things like, “Turkey, baby! Woo HOO!” just like the Ottomans probably did back in the day. For her part, Ali’s “thrilled” to be in Turkey. She’s wearing giant, dangly, gold earrings and tells us in her best tour guide voice that she didn’t realize that 13 million people live in Istanbul. If Ali knew that information before she arrived and the producers didn’t feed her that stat for the cameras, I will olive oil wrestle shirtless on national TV too (more on that later…)

Chris greets the guys in front of their new hotel, and I notice that Craig has his baseball cap on at that same stupid middle school angle. They flash underneath that he is 27 years old and I do a spit take. Really?! 27?! Dude’s not aging so well, and is WAY too old to be wearing his hat like that.

We see the guys walking into their new digs on the ninth floor as we hear Ali say the line that has haunted her throughout this series: “I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point!” Apparently, the producers want to hit us over the head with foreshadowing on every episode this year, because by her saying this we really all know that something VERY wrong is actually about to happen.

It’s no surprise to anyone who’s been watching the previews when Chris Harrison knocks on Ali’s hotel room door and tells her they need to talk. “I’m scared! Why are you here?” Ali wants to know with her best scared face on.

Chris lays the bad news on her. Jessie (the Background Gal from last season who made it way further than her airtime would have predicted and who used a lot of her alone time with Jake to rail on Vienna and how much Jessie hated her) has called the producers and given them information that Chris Harrison thinks Ali needs to hear.

Chris dramatically goes over to the phone in Ali’s room and starts pushing the buttons to call Jessie. Ali is wide-eyed and saying things like, “My heart is racing!” as Chris reads the phone number off a piece of paper he’s holding.

Jessie answers and Chris gives the phone to Ali and both ladies give very funny, fake “How ARE you’s?” to each other like they were best buds on Jake’s season when they really didn’t like each other.

The producers have obviously set this whole phone call up because next we get a shot of nighttime in Toronto, Canada and Jessie in her house talking on the phone to Ali. She says she has some information about one of the guys on the show and that he’s not there for the right reasons. He has a girlfriend back at home (SHOCK!) Of course, she’s talking about “Rated-R” Justin. None of us is surprised since we’ve seen this coming on every preview from the last few weeks. But Ali seems truly shocked.

Jessie tells Ali that Justin’s girlfriend Jessica (too many Jessies, Jesses, and Jessicas this season!) is actually sitting right next to her there in Toronto and puts her on the line. OK…I’m going to sound petty here, I know. This is reality TV, though, and these people choose to have their faces and lives spread all over the public. Justin’s girlfriend is not nearly as hot as I would have expected. Ali blows doors on her in the looks department. She seems very sweet, though, and I feel oh-so-sorry for her that she got mixed up with a mess like Rated-R, but I’m not getting what a superficial, self-absorbed punk like Justin sees in a girl like Jessica. He’s pretty hot. He seems like the type that would be dating a busty stripper with implants or something. This Jessica girl just came out of left field for me. She has a weird mouth too.

Jessica tells Ali that she and Justin have been together for the past two years. He told Jessica he was doing the show just to become famous and get his foot in the door of the entertainment business. His only goal on the show is to make it to the Top Three. Then he will quit, come home, and marry her.

Then Jessica drops another bombshell. Justin’s been sneaking phone calls to her throughout the taping of the show (a SUPER big no-no for this show). As a matter of fact, Justin just called her (GASP!) last night!

And as if THAT weren’t big enough news, Jessica also spills that she just found out that Justin even has ANOTHER girlfriend (GASP!) who he’s been dating for two months.

By now Jessica’s crying and we do actually kinda feel sorry for her. She’s from Canada, so she says it’s all very hard to talk “aboot”. Ali says she appreciates the call and the information and hangs up.

Chris Harrison clears his throat and says, “Sorry,” like the whole deal is his fault (which it sorta is since he hosts this horrible show, right?)

Ali and Chris talk and she remembers back to the first night when all the guys voted Justin as the one who was here for all of the wrong reasons. She thought he was just misunderstood back then. Now she realizes that “everything he said was basically a lie!” Chris confirms for Ali that Justin has indeed been sneaking away and making phone calls. None of the other guys knows yet, though.

Now Ali’s pissed. She reiterates for the ten millionth time that she left her apartment, her job, and her life to find true love here. “I’m just pissed!” she says. “I’m beyond pissed. I want to get him out of here! It’s disgusting what Justin did!” Like making out with a bunch of different guys on national TV isn’t disgusting, Ali? C’mon, girl.

Ali wants to confront Justin about all of this, so Chris walks her up to their room. She takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. The guys freak out when they see it’s Ali. Surprise! She sits down in the living room with all of them and immediately gets to the task at hand.

She stares Justin down and says, “You probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada!” Justin immediately pops up and tries leaving the room. “Sit down and talk like a man!” Ali commands, but Justin’s not having any of it. The tension mounts. Roberto takes this opportunity to snuggle up to Ali and put his arm around her.

The cameras follow Justin, and he says he’d rather not say anything. He tells the camera he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Chris Harrison chases him down the hallway while Justin yells, “I got my passport, I got my wallet. That’s all I need!” Dramatic music is building.

We cut to Craig who’s back in the living room swearing and getting bleeped over what he thinks about Justin and the news.

Ali is now chasing Justin down the stairs in the fire escape yelling after him the line we’ve seen played in the preview so many times: “Is this how you want to be perceived? You really want to go out like this?” and Justin keeps bolting. Ali chases him outside, all the while asking him to stop so the can talk. Justin avoids her and gets the clever idea to enter a crowded restaurant. No one can cause a scene in a public place, right? Sadly for Justin, though, he is met with a locked door and an annoyed waiter waving him away. Apparently this is not the entrance to the restaurant, Justin. Sucks to be you.

Next we get some funny shots of the guys back up on the ninth floor watching this all unfold. “Look! There he is! There’s Ali! Dude! I see them! Everyone looks like ants from way up here! Who stole my hair gel? Man Code!” OK, well they said some of that for real at least.

Now Justin is actually trying to climb up what looks like a large, stepped garden fountain. With the boot thing still on his broken foot, it’s pretty funny watching him try to pick his path up the fountain without falling on his butt in the water. All the while Ali is hounding him to stop and talk, but he’s a man on a mission. “Justin! You’re gonna regret this!” Ali howls.

We can always count on Kirk this season for the best one-liner zingers and tonight is no exception. “When you bust out a t-shirt, it should say ‘Justin LIAR’!” he laughs back up in the hotel room.

Finally Justin stops and comes back to Ali. Ali is smart enough to know that the reason why there was a chase in the first place was so that Justin could collect his thoughts after being blind-sided with all of this and come up with some lame excuse for his behavior that will look good in front of the cameras. 

They sit on a low wall outside the hotel and Justin tells Ali that he has strong feelings for Jessica back home, but that she’s like his best friend. He says his heart has been getting less and less into this show. He still has the rose Ali gave him when they stranded Kasey out on the glacier last week, but she doesn’t want it back. She reminds him that his deception has caused a lot of really great guys to go home.

Ali pisses off every grammar teacher in America again when she tells Justin that she knows he has a girl back at home “who (he) supposably cares about.” Really, Ali? “Supposably” still? No one clued you in after last week?

Justin tells Ali he never called Jessica during the show. Ooo…this is getting good now. Who’s telling the truth? Will we ever know? “Rated-R” Justin’s word versus “Weird Mouth” Jessica’s word. Hmmm…I wonder who’s telling the truth?

Justin won’t answer any of Ali’s questions, so she forces us to gouge our eyes out by telling him AGAIN that she gave up her job, her apartment, and her life to be here. “It’s unspeakable what you’ve done,” she says, even though she’s speaking about it.

He says he’s sorry for everything, she tells him, “You could have owned up like a man!” and he walks away without having answered anything.

In another faked, over-the-shoulder shot, we see Justin slowly ambling away out of focus while we see Ali in the foreground saying things like, “He couldn’t even defend himself…He left like a coward…I hate Justin for doing this to me…”

Next we get the huge payoff we’ve been waiting for. When this show takes people down, they do it HARD. We see Justin wandering through the lobby and then hear a BEEP! sound. It’s a message playing with his voice on it. Oh snap! Tell me Jessica did not save every voicemail Justin left her from the show and then send them right over to the producers? Oh no she didn’t!  Oh sweet heaven…at last I have found you. We are actually going to get the audio proof we need that Justin is a true scumbag.

Below are some choice snippets from each message Justin left for Jessica while “supposably” on the show:

Message #1 (I am SO happy right now. SO happy…):

BEEP! “I want you to be my wife….I look forward to kissing your lips again…I love you…”

Message #2 (you mean there’s more than ONE?! Score!):

BEEP! “I found the love of my life and that person is you…”

Message #3 (what is it, my freakin’ BIRTHDAY today?!):

BEEP! “I’m in Iceland right now…You don’t know how important you are to me…It kinda made me regret even coming up with this whole thing…”

I stare dumbfounded at the screen.  This is the first time I can remember in the show’s history that they have such specific, damning evidence. Last season everyone threw out that Vienna was also there for the wrong reasons (Ali among the most vocal of all), but no one had any specific proof. This season we get private voicemails messages in Justin’s own voice. So juicy. Totally worth this entire season.

Justin was a phony. He really did have a girlfriend back home whom he intended to marry and came up with this whole kooky plot just for publicity. So sad. You can almost hear him sneering, “And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!” It didn’t take Scooby Doo and the gang to uncover Justin’s deceit. His own choices did it very nicely for him, thank you. Good bye, “Rated-R”.

As much as we all will want to say that we’ll never hear from him again because he did such a horrible thing to Ali, you know he’ll be popping up all over our TV sets in the future. The bad guys always do. That’s why they put Wes on The Bachelor Pad and why Johnny Fairplay (who lied about his grandmother dying on Survivor) won’t go away. What about Omarosa from the original Apprentice? She even got her own talk show at one point! We love the bad guys and gals, and Justin will most likely be able to parlay that into something for himself. The power of reality TV. Yay us…

Back up in the hotel room, the guys are chatting about the big news. Craig tries to one-up Kirk in the zinger department, but fails miserably: “That turkey’s gobbling his way back to Canada!” Deafening silence. Um, gee Craig…thanks for making a fun segment totally awkward now. ‘Preciate that.

Suddenly, a Date Card is slid underneath the guys’ door, and it reminds us that the show must go on. Craig tells us three or four times that he’s the only one who hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date yet and that it’s really important for him to score one in Turkey. This will be his battle cry for the rest of his time in Turkey.

For those of you new to the show, it is painfully obvious already that it’s Craig’s turn to get the ol’ heave-ho tonight. He has been mostly a Background Guy for this whole season, and tonight all of a sudden he’s getting lots of airtime. Like Chris N. last week (Mr. “I forgot my poetry lines, but you wouldn’t know I like Mexican food!”), it’s the death knell when you’re a Background Guy who all of a sudden gets his face in almost every scene.

“Let’s get steamy!” the Date Card says, and it’s for Ty. Craig is bummed while Ty is a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ all over the room (“Clean up on Aisle 5! Clean up on Aisle 5!)

First 1-on-1 Date, or “How to Catch a 300-Year-Old Case of Jock Itch”

It’s the start of a new day for Ali as she begins the 1-on-1 date with Ty. She’s trying to bounce back from the confrontation with Justin, and she thinks Ty is the perfect guy for this date today because he’s always so positive and makes her feel good.

They start off by doing some shopping in a bazaar that can’t be too authentic since the first thing Ali wants to buy is an “I Heart Istanbul” t-shirt. Classy, Ali. Apparently Ali thinks she’s shopping on Fisherman’s Wharf. They hug some and hold hands. Then Ali tells Ty she has a surprise for him

Cut to a shot of them walking out of different doors wrapped in what looks like traditional Turkish clothes one would wear to the baths. Ali is excited to tell us that she and Ty will be spending time in an old bathhouse. In her best Tour Guide Barbie voice she tells us that usually the bathhouse only allows men. She points out that there is light “poking” through the circles and stars in the vaulted ceiling. OK…I just have to stop here and guffaw for a minute or two. Is it just me, or is this whole scene just RIFE with double-entendres? I would be remiss in passing them up.

Seriously?! A bathhouse?! Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, Ali, bathhouses are almost exclusively for men. It’s where they go to “take a bath” and “make friends” with other men, if you know what I mean (not that there’s anything wrong with that…) Can you imagine the legions of naked men who have sat right where you and Ty are now sitting?

Oh…and you had to go and use the word “poking” too, huh? Heh heh heh…she said “poking” in a bathhouse. All right…I’m done now.

Tour Guide Ali seriously grosses us out when she announces that “…people have been bathing here for 300 years!” Ew ew EW! Three hundred years?! Can you imagine the build-up of grime, dirt, bacteria, germs, and bodily fluids on THAT floor? My god. They must need to use a mixture of bleach, formaldehyde, vinegar, and Tabasco Sauce each night just to hose the place down, dontcha think? Now I see why they have to wear those weird shoes that the producers make them teeter around in. Who would want any section of their skin touching any part of that bathhouse? Shudder…

They sit on the floor (hopefully on top of piles of fabric like the ones they have on so there is no butt-cheek-to-three-hundred-year-old-floor touchage), and Ty goes in for a kiss. At the last second, Ali turns her head away and he has to settle for a neck nuzzle and a hug instead. Uh oh. Not looking good for our good ol’ boy. Ty offers her a massage, and we finally get a better look at his big, beefy body. I think the only criticism I can make about Ty’s appearance is that he’s one of those guys who is losing his hair from the front and so he combs everything forward to try to hide that. He needs a new haircut, but otherwise, Papa like. Oh…and am I totally off base here, or does Ty kinda look like a younger Al Gore?

Even though Ali says things like, “This is so hot and steamy and sexy!” and, “This is purrrrfect!” there doesn’t seem to be much sexual chemistry between these two. It feels like Ty is definitely much more into this whole bathhouse scene than Ali is. Or am I reading too much into their body language?

(Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, the next Date Card is delivered. Right on cue, Craig tells us he really hopes he’s not part of the Group Date since he’s the only one left who hasn’t had any 1-on-1 time with Ali. “Love conquers ol(ive),” the card says, and then Frank says he misses Ali. Chris, Roberto, Kirk, and Craig all get the news that they will be going on the Group Date. Craig is crushed because he’s the only one left who hasn’t had any 1-on-1 dates with Ali yet (in case you hadn’t heard). Frank is stoked because he’s the one getting the last 1-on-1 date in Turkey and he also realizes that he is the first guy to get TWO, count ‘em TWO 1-on-1 dates with Ali. Hard to keep track of all of those numbers, huh? For his part, Craig tells us he’s frustrated because he’s the only guy left who hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date with Ali yet. Heavy sigh.)

Back at the date with Ty, Ali is telling us that Ty “…restored (her) faith in men today”. They finally start making out, but I’m not feelin’ it much. Ty is all over her and she’s not seeming very passionate about any of it. Ty tells Ali that he loves Istanbul and would come back there for his honeymoon. Wishful thinking, Mr. Beefcake.

Now it’s nighttime and Ali brings Ty to a dinner table set up right next to the water. Ty tells Ali the things he likes about her and then asks her to tell him what she likes about him. It’s usually a bad sign when the woman starts off with “You’re attractive and tall…” so I’m sure Ty was bummed to hear that first and, “I always feel good when I’m with you,” second. All the while Ali talks to him, he keeps responding with one-word answers like, “Yes! Yup! Yeah!” Shut up, Ty, and let the lady talk to you! Ty seems to want to control a lot of the conversation.

Next they talk about Ty’s divorce. He admits that one of the reasons his marriage didn’t work was because he was raised very traditionally where the woman stays at home (it WAS the hills of Tennessee, after all, right?) But now that he’s been out in the world a bit more, he has made the deep realization that, “…women are presidents of companies! They’re CEO’s!” Amazing! Welcome to the 21^st Century, Ty! Dive right in. You’re gonna love it here!

Ty says that now he would never do anything to get in the way of Ali’s career. He’s ready to jump back into marriage (because, as we all know, “jumping” into marriage always works out so well for all parties involved), and he loves being married.

(Meanwhile, back at the Hyatt, Craig is telling the guys he’d be OK if Ty didn’t come back from his date tonight. More focus on Craig. He’s a goner for sure.)

Back at dinner, Ali picks up the rose to give to Ty, but before she gives it to him she lets him know that “traditional” is the last word she’d use to describe herself. All the while, Ty is still doing that annoying, “Yes! Yup!” thing at the end of every one of her sentences. She offers him the rose, he accepts it, they kiss, and then they walk away. As they leave, we can see that all the food on their plates is completely untouched. They didn’t eat a bite during that entire scene. I love noticing stuff like that on this show.

They walk over to where a small band is playing traditional music out on the street. They begin to dance, and in a voiceover Ty reminds us of his hillbilly roots when he announces, “Tonight was absolutely the most rememberable dance I’ve ever had.” Awww…poor, dumb, traditional Ty. Ella from Jake’s season called and she wants her country bumpkin act back, n’k? Yee HAW!

The Group Date, or “Welcome to Gay Istanbul!”

The Group date opens with the four selected guys cruising the riverfront searching for Ali. My first thought is that they look like frat guys looking for a hooker, but this is The Bachelorette. Things are a little classier over here on this show, right?

Chris L. spies Ali sitting on top of a big, tall, old building hanging out over the side yelling down to them. I immediately notice that Chris has on REALLY bad sunglasses. They don’t flatter him at all and make him look like a pimp from New Jersey (or maybe that was the intended effect? We need to keep our eye on Chris’s swagger.)

Kirk tells us that Ali, “…looked like a blonde goddess…” sitting up there, and that the guys all had, “…a Rapunzel moment.” We rely on Kirk for these metaphors and he comes through every time.

The guys go inside the building and Tour Guide Ali kicks in again to tell them that it’s a 15^th century fortress built during the Ottoman Empire, and you just know all those guys were like, “The what empire? Is that from Star Wars?”

They all “Cheers!” each other with big glass mugs of beer, and then Ali lays the bad news on them. There won’t be any rose at the end of this date. The good news, though, is that one “special” guy will get some “special” alone time with Ali at the end of the date. But there’s more bad news. The guys will have to fight for that honor.

Cue the sounds of drumbeats and the camera pans over to a group of Turkish men coming into focus. A few are banging drums, but four of them are shirtless, are wearing leather pants, are oiled up, and are trying to do their best “I’m a swarthy mean guy!” scowl.

Kirk is freaking out and imitating the faux-intimidating looks on the guys’ faces. “They’re oiled up!” he shouts. Tour Guide Ali informs them that olive oil wrestling with your shirt off wearing leather pants is a professional sport in Turkey (gay, gay, gay!) and that the guys are going to be wrestling for her love.

Chris L. announces, “This is not fun!” and then Ali starts pouring olive oil all over him. We get a nice shot of his mom’s signature tattooed over his heart. She must be up in heaven smiling down on her good little boy getting oiled up and preparing to grapple with oily, swarthy men.

As I see the guys getting ready, I feel sorry for Craig. He definitely has the dumpiest body there and knows it. He tells us that he fights with words, not with his body (Because, get it? He’s a lawyer!)

We find out through a translation at the bottom of the screen that the first person to force the other guy’s back onto the ground is the winner. How bummed is “Rated-R” that he wasn’t part of this date? Even with his broken foot he would have torn it up. Unless you’re saying that professional wrestling is fake like he is. You ARE saying that? Party pooper…

Chris L. is up first and gets tossed to the ground by a big Turkish guy in a matter of seconds. “I am regretting this while idea!” Ali laments, like she had any say over it at all.

As Kirk also gets dumped on his can, the excitement builds because it also starts raining. Now THEY are all slippery AND the GROUND is also slippery! How’s that for a perfect storm? Roberto gets dumped on his butt next. For some reason, we don’t see Craig get the same treatment, but I’m sure it ended like all the rest did.

Next, Ali tells them that they will be wrestling each other now. The winner will get the coveted 1-on-1 time with her at the end of the date. Cut to Craig who tells us how important this is since he’s the only guy there who hasn’t already had a 1-on-1 date with Ali…with Ali…with Ali…with Ali…broken record…broken record…

First up it’s Craig vs. Chris. They all expect Chris to reign supreme here since he’s a lot bigger and stronger-looking. But our boy Craig pulls it out and puts Chris flat on his back. First round goes to Craig.

Next up, it’s Kirk versus Roberto. Roberto wins this one easily, but not before we get some really nice beefcake shots of his body writhing around all oily and muscle-y and baseball player-y, and…what? Oh sorry. Lost in my own little gay world there for a minute.

Now it’s time for the final showdown – Roberto versus Craig. Craig totally takes Roberto down a peg before they even start by saying, “He was almost in the big leagues! He’s a tough dude.” Ouch, Craig! Almost in the big leagues? That’s gotta hurt.

Roberto and Craig are all chummy and hand shake-y and bear hug-y before they start their match. Roberto tells us he’s betting on himself. “I need time with her!” Craig screams in a crazed voice.

The match starts and of course it’s long and drawn out with lots of fluffy scenes of the two guys wriggling around all over each other. Ali has her hands clasped over her mouth like she’s horrified at the sight of a not-Major-League baseball player and a blobby lawyer squirming around in the mud all oiled up so they can have five minutes alone with her.

In the least surprising outcome of the year, Craig wins the wrestling match. Like we didn’t see THAT one coming from a mile away. How much more set up could that have been? “I get no time alone with her…wah…wah…wah…I’m a lawyer, not a fighter..wah…wah…wah…I WIN!”

Ali gives Craig the saddest trophy ever in the history of trophies. It’s a mini pair of leather pants like the real Turkish wrestlers were wearing, but they may as well have been ass-less chaps. The irony of the win is lost on Craig, however, as he celebrates his victory. What he hasn’t thought about is that if Ali had REALLY wanted some 1-on-1 time with him, he would have already been chosen to spend time with her alone. He hasn’t been chosen…ever. Other guys have. It’s pretty simple, actually. Why did you just spend all that time and effort to hang solo with a girl who has had zero interest in doing the same with you, Craig? You’ve been had!

(Back in the hotel room, the guys are recapping the wrestling escapades with Ty and Frank. They are all bummed Craig won since now there’s more of a chance for him to form a bond with Ali. Frank tells us yet again that he hates seeing guys go out for 1-on-1 time with Ali. It’s tough for him to have to just sit back and wait for HIS time alone with her. Poor Frank.)

Now we see Ali and Craig during their alone time. They are sitting inside a boat on a bench and Craig has his arm around her in one of the most awkward poses of all time. “I’m five for five on Group Dates right now,” he tells us. “I fought my ass off for my 1-on-1 today, and that felt beautiful.” Not touching that with a ten-foot hookah.

Ali takes him off the boat and up into an old tower. Of course, dessert and thousands of little candles are set up at the top. He starts off with the smooth moves by asking her, “How would you feel if I took my olive oil wrestling career to the next level?” Um, Craig, maybe start by telling her how pretty she is? Or how about saying how excited you are to finally have some alone time with her? Why the bad humor right off the bat?

He takes Ali’s hand, and I notice he has a bandage wrapped around one finger. Wrestling injury? We never find out.

Despite the tough time I am giving him, Craig actually seems like a nice, genuine guy. Ali likes that “…there’s never an awkward moment of silence…” with Craig, and Craig enthuses that, “I’ve never met anybody like you!” which is another sign that Craig is playing just a bit out of his league. Craig, if you’ve never met a girl like Ali before, there’s a reason, dude. Sorry to break it to you.

(Back in the hotel room, the final Date Card of the evening gets delivered. Of course it’s for Frank. It says, “The road to love is bazaar,” which is supposed to be a funny double-entendre of the fact that bazaar and bizarre are pronounced the same way. Eh. Frank tells us that he remembers what Ali told him last week about being too much in the background on group dates. He knows he needs to take the lead now. Go, Frank!)

Back outside of the tower, Craig and Ali are ooh-ing and ahh-ing over a fireworks display over the water. Ali’s nervous giggle is back, which isn’t a good sign. “This is unreal!” Craig interjects. Really? Cuz last time I checked, fireworks over the water were pretty darned real, Craig.

They hug some and he again tells her she’s like no girl he’s ever met before. I notice that there is no smoochin’ goin’ on, though. Tour Guide Ali tells us that they are watching fireworks over the Bosporus Strait, a geographical landmark I would bet she would never have been able to locate before this trip.

Fade to black on Craig’s alone time with Ali. Instead of making out, he got a geography lesson. Sucks to be you, Craig…

The Last 1-on-1 Date, or “Dress-Up Time with Frank!”

We come back from commercial and Ali tells us she’s nervous about her date with Frank. Things have been up and down with him, and “…he continues to disappoint me.” Yikes! Strong words. She really wants the “old Frank” back.

They meet in a plaza and hug and kiss. Frank tells us he’s worried that their feelings are dying. They walk over to a spice bazaar and Frank announces, “Let’s get into some trouble!” Woo-hoo, Frank! Gettin’ into trouble at the spice bazaar! What are you gonna do? Sniff some saffron? Roll some rosemary? Frank likes to live on the dangerous edge of disaster, apparently.

We see Ali and Frank haggling with some of the vendors in the bazaar. It looks crowded and there are lots of stalls selling what seem to be everything except spices at first. Then we get shots of piles of spices everywhere. It actually looks pretty cool.

Of course, Frank spies the aphrodisiac store and makes a beeline there. Keep it in your pants, Frank. The guy there shows them some powder they can mix with honey and Frank thinks they should take a few spoonfuls right now. Down, boy!

Next they go into a store that seems to be selling traditional Turkish clothing. There are belly-dancing costumes and even a big, dumb sultan/turban hat thing that Frank decides would be the perfect thing to put on his head. While he prances around stupidly in the sultan hat, Ali goes in to try on a belly-dancing outfit.

She comes out all jingly-jangly and swirly and does a little dance for Frank while she giggles. Frank’s tongue is now literally hanging out of his mouth, drool pouring down like he’s never seen a scantily-clad woman before. He scores the line of the night when he tells her, “First of all...wow! Second of all…why am I wearing this hat? Third of all…wow!” Time to take the hat off, Frank. Aladdin you are not. Frank tells us he feels that he and Ali have chemistry and then proves it by making out with her.

(Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the remaining guys are getting all catty about Frank. They don’t want him to get a rose on his date tonight. Craig doesn’t see the writing on the wall and thinks Frank might actually be in trouble. Chris and Ty don’t see Frank as the perfect guy for Ali.)

Now we cut back to the bazaar and Frank and Ali have entered a rug store.  Next starts one of the lamest, staged, faked bits of this whole season. We see an overweight Turkish rug seller who looks and acts like a quintessential used car salesman back here in the States. He gives them the hard sell to try to get them to buy a rug, but Frank holds firm and repeats over and over, “I’m not buying that rug.” He’s sure he’s not buying a rug today. Nuh-uh. No way. No how.

But then the rug seller crafts an evil plan. Maybe if he throws in some Samsonite luggage and two pillows, maybe THAT might seal the deal? Apparently, the rug seller had Frank at “Samsonite” because in the next scene we see Frank and Ali walking outdoors with Frank slinging the huge rug across his shoulder. Who knew Frank could be bought so easily with luggage and some throw pillows?

Ali tells us she’s glad the old Frank is back. “Nothing has changed,” she happily tells us. “It can only get better from here!” Apparently Ali hasn’t seen the previews for the episode in Tahiti, because WE sure did, and it certainly does NOT look like things get better with Frank.

Now it’s nighttime and Ali is taking Frank to the Basilica Cistern for dinner. They go down some stairs and enter what looks like a really pretty place. There are lots of columns (uplit in Bachelorette orange, of course!). What looks beautiful, though, quickly turns to disgust on my part as I look up what cisterns do. They were used to collect and hold water for people before there were pipes. So all of the water down there has been filtered through the dirty streets of Istanbul. For added effect we get to hear and see the drippings from above. So gross. I’m guessing no one goes down there, sticks a cup in the water, and drinks away. It’s beautiful architecture, sure, but Ali has basically taken Frank to a sewer for their date, right?

Ali shows Frank where they are going to eat. It’s a little stone platform out in the middle of the water. Frank rightfully wants to know how they will get there, and then we cut to a shot of them both wading through the water on their way to the platform. Geez. I sure hope they both got all of their shots before they left for Turkey. No way you would find me wading through that stuff with no shoes on. I’m wretching just thinking about it.

They talk about their feelings out on the platform. Frank says “like” WAY too much, but gets his point across that he still digs Ali. He also tells her that he feels out of touch with his feelings, which is never a good sign and definitely not something you’d want to hear when you’re stranded out on an island in a Turkish sewer.

Frank tells Ali that, “I only want to propose once in my life…I want to be married only once…” to which Ali replies with deafening, awkward silence.

Then she says the line we’ve seen previewed all night before commercial breaks: “I think my relationship with you scares me.” She feels nervous. She doesn’t like that she has no control over who falls in love with her. In a line reminiscent of Kasey (R.I.P.), Frank says that he’s now ready to trust his heart. They make out and I notice that Frank wears a thumb ring. Really, Frank? A thumb ring? That doesn’t make you any cooler. You’ll still be living with your parents when you get home, Big Guy.

Ali tells us that, “…when Frank was talking about how scared he’s feeling, it was just raw and real. “ Barf. “I just think there’s something really special that we have. Something I’ve never felt before.” Double barf.

She of course gives Frank the rose at the end of the date. “You blow me away!” she says. He answers back, “You steal my heart. I’m very lucky to be here with you right now,” and he’s actually pretty cute as he says it.

They make out some more while drops of gutter water fall all around them and on their food, and Frank ends the scene with, “I’m falling for Ali HARD!” Heh heh heh…hard…heh heh heh…

The Cocktail Party, or, “What’s the Point? I’m Dumping Craig Tonight.”

The guys arrive to the cocktail party, which for some reason is not being held in their hotel room this time. Immediately we notice that Chris L. (who has been dressing more and more casually for these parties each week) couldn’t even put on a tie or a nice pair of shoes. Instead, he’s opted for the “suit with open shirt collar and Nikes” look. That’s confidence, man!

We get a lot more shots of Craig sealing his fate by telling us how bummed he’d be if he got sent home tonight. Man, this guy has said more tonight than he has in every other episode combined!

The guys are boring since there are so few of them left now. They fidget impatiently for Ali to come down the stairs to start the cocktail party. Craig is nervous and thinks maybe something is wrong. Ali is taking a really long time to come down.

Upstairs, Ali is looking at all of their photos and saying she feels a connection with every guy except one. She calls in Chris Harrison and asks if it would be OK to cancel the cocktail party tonight and go right to the Rose Ceremony. She already knows whose heart she wants to break tonight and there’s no need to go through the motions of a cocktail party and “prolong the inevitable” as Chris Harrison so astutely says.

The guys are surprised to see Chris come down the stairs instead of Ali, and the tense music begins as Chris announces Ali’s plan to forgo the cocktail party tonight. Cut to shots of all the guys looking stupefied. “Are you serious?” one asks. They are all shocked and now they all feel nervous and vulnerable since they won’t get to wow Ali with their wily charms over drinks. That’s the only game Roberto and Chris L. have had for this entire series, right?

The Rose Ceremony, or “Sucking Lips Sink Ships”

Chris Harrison reminds us that both Ty and Frank are safe since they received roses on their dates. He doesn’t remind us that the producers have rigged it so that the only time Craig scored 1-on-1 time with Ali was on a date with no rose so that he could be assured of being sent home packing tonight. All part of the plan, folks.

Ali comes out and tells the guys that all of her relationships with the guys have taken a step forward this week except for one. She didn’t think it was fair going through the cocktail party if her mind was already made up. Plus, the producers needed the time in this episode to let the Justin drama play out. I’m sure that’s the REAL reason she canceled the party. All part of the plan, folks (Part 2).

The first rose goes to Roberto. We get a shot of Craig barely nodding his head up and down as if to say to Ali, “Yup…you’re choosing me next!”

Chris L. from MA gets the next rose, so now it’s down to either Kirk or Craig going home tonight. They show Craig sucking his lips. Then they show it some more. Then again. Ew, get a room , Craig!

The final rose goes to….Kirk! He accepts it and then Ali makes a pouty, sad face in Craig’s direction. Craig hugs the other guys goodbye, and then Ali asks him if it’s OK to walk him out. Since this is the last time he’s ever going to have a girl this hot paying any attention to him, Craig of course says yes and they walk into another room.

She’s crying, and in one of the grosser scenes of this episode, wipes her runny nose with her fingers, and then holds his hands. Typhoid Mary is back in town, guys! Bring on the Purel!

Craig tells her he meant everything mushy he said the other night and that he’ll never forget this experience. She’s speechless at first, but then finally says that she thinks the romance was missing between them, which anyone could have seen the moment they went on their alone time together.

Craig takes the Walk of Shame out to a van with his hand in his pocket. He’s trying really hard not to break down and cry in his back seat interview. “That was really a heartbreak,” he says. “I’m shocked!” (We’re not). He thought they were headed in the right direction and he was falling in love. Again he tells us that “…she’s like no girl I’ve ever met before!” He sighs a lot and rubs his face forcing himself not to cry. And as the taillights fade out into the darkness, we bid a fond farewell to the last remaining Background Guy. Farewell, Craig. You seem like a really nice guy, but you were all wrong for this show.

Back at the house, Ali announces that next time they are heading to Lisbon, and all the remaining guys’ ears perk up because they all thought she said she was a “lesbian”. Then she says the word Portugal, and even though none of them has any idea where that is, they get all excited since Lisbon still sounds like lesbian and maybe they will get to see some lesbians rolling around in olive oil or something.

Previews, or “Pay Attention and You Can Figure Out Who Wins the Show”

The producers change up the previews this week, and I’m not sure why. Instead of just showing what’s coming up next week, they give away bits and pieces of the entire rest of the season.

For those of you who weren’t keeping track and don’t want to be spoiled, I won’t give away too many details, but if you watched closely last night you can tell who doesn’t make it past the home town dates and then who makes it into the final three. It was all right there. I wonder why?

Also, did anyone else notice that these previews were supposed to be for the rest of the season, not just next week, and that there was not one shot of any Final Rose Ceremony anywhere? No one on bended knee, no shots of Ali saying goodbye to someone off-camera. Hmmm…that seems fishy to me. They always show those kinds of shots throughout a season of this show, but they haven’t shown us one yet this entire season, have they?

Anyway, we get drama in Tahiti with Frank crying, we get drama in some family member’s taxidermy shop, we get drama on mopeds. Drama, drama, drama!

End Credits, or “If I’m Being Honest Here, Your Country Music Sounds Like Garth Brooks on Sesame Street!”

The end credits get better this week as we see a shot of Ty singing a lame song with his guitar. It’s all about love at first sight and roses or crap like that. He actually has a pretty decent voice in a country twang kind of way. The best parts of this scene, though, are the shots we get of Frank watching Ty sing and play. First Frank’s smiling like he’s enjoying it. Then he’s sitting there like he’s just tolerating it as the song goes on and on about nothing. Finally, Frank just gets up and walks out of the room while Ty still plays. And…scene.

But wait! There's more! The best news we get all night is that we should tune in next week when Jake and Vienna are going to be face-to-face for the first time since they broke up. Ooooo! Can't WAIT for that!

Another banner episode this week. The spoiler sites are all abuzz about how this one ends. What do YOU think? Who will she choose? Any predictions for who will be the next Bachelor? Come join us on Facebook at After the Rose and let us now what you think! See you next week!

Ice, Volcanoes, and Black-Boxed Butts

OK…so to start off, I’m wondering whose nutso idea it was to have The Bachelorette go tape in Iceland of all places? Everyone looked miserably cold in every windblown, outdoor shot, every hot bod was covered from bridge of nose to toe in fur and thermals, and no one looked happy for almost the entire show. Sure the geography there is gorgeous, which made for some beautiful sweeping helicopter shots, but we want alcohol-fueled brawls at the pool with scantily clad gym bods! We want Speedo photo shoots in the warm California sun! Iceland definitely does not have that “Bachelorette” feel, but we make do with what we’re given and soldier on.

Poetry Slam, or “How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Butcher a Language to Tell You…”

The episode opens with some bitchin’ rock music playing while we watch an Iceland Air jet landing. For those of us geographically challenged, the producers create yet another stunning, full-color map to show us the airplane traveling from New York to Iceland. Again, I am willing to bet that not one guy in that crew could have found Iceland on a map before seeing that map last night.

We get beautiful shots of the rugged mountains and glaciers along with shots of the erupting volcano that caused all of that air traffic mess a few months back. Throughout this episode I keep wondering how they are getting all of these aerial shots of the volcano if the ash was extreme enough to shut down the entire continent of Europe? How does it not send the helicopters the show uses into a death spiral right into the erupting cauldron of death?

Next we see the guys walking into the middle of what looks like a town square to meet Chris Harrison. It’s immediately apparent that it is bone-chilling cold there. They are all wearing some variation of a fur or flannel hat pulled over their ears, heavy woolen jackets, boots, etc. No one looks especially happy to be standing out there. “It’s SO COLD out here!” one guy complains. I just looked it up online and the average temperature in Iceland during November/December (which is when the show was taping) is in the high 20’s to low 30’s. Brrrr….

Chris tells the guys that this week there will be one one-on-one date, one group date, and one two-on-one date where one of the two will be sent packing at the end for sure. To decide who gets to take Ali on the one-on-one date, Chris tells them that they are going to be writing some love poetry to Ali and reading their creations aloud to her. Then she will decide which is the best and that guy scores the coveted alone time with her. Oh, and to make things extra stupid, Chris Harrison also tells them that they will get “extra credit” for sliding some Icelandic words into their masterpieces. They get one hour to work on what they want to say. Cut to Kasey making a really weird laugh. This guy officially gives me the creeps now.

Chris L. just wants to make her laugh with what he writes, he tells us. Reminding us that he went off the deep end (and then some last week), Kasey tells us to tell Ali, “I’m your man, I’m your guy, I’m your heart.” No “guard and protect” yet. You shot drinkers are all safe (for now…)

Next we get shots of the guys trying to write their innermost thoughts down on the pads the show has given them. We see them splitting up and walking around trying to get the locals to translate some choice words into Icelandic. We quickly discover that Icelandic is a really hard language to pronounce and understand for us south of the border-types. Frank asks someone how to say, “I love you,” and his look changes to one of utter confusion as he watches the people try to pronounce it for him.

Justin “Rated-R” stands in the street asking passersby for translation help, but everyone ignores him. Roberto goes into a hotel and asks the desk clerk for help. Kirk goes into a supermarket and makes two checkers there laugh out loud as he tries to repeat Icelandic phrases back to them.

During this time, Frank is cocky and sure that he’s going to do well. He tells us he’s written lots of love poems before. He doesn’t want his to be too cutesy, so he’s really going to hunker down and get to work on this. Background Guy Chris N. finally speaks and tells us with his deer-in-the-headlights expression that he feels a lot of pressure with the assignment. I marvel that he has a voice at all. How is he still around?

Pixilated Pouch Craig is worried because he’s had very limited one-on-one time with Ali so far. He wants this date badly so he can see where he stands.

Now it’s time for the poetry readings to begin. Just because I love you all so much, I actually went and transcribed each poem word for word for you. That way, if you missed the show, you could judge for yourselves and see if you agree with whom Ali actually chose. And if you saw the show, you can relive fond memories of the incredibly moving words and emotions each guy created.

First up is Craig. Ahem…quiet please…the reading is about to begin…

“I’ve been working on my Icelandic

(unintelligible Icelandic words that end with the sound “-an”)

That means at the end of this journey

I want nothing more than to be your man.

I have a confession Ali

I made up that Icelandic and took a chance

I will do anything to win your heart

And end this journey with romance.”

Craig thinks he’s nailed it with this little creation. Ali’s smiling, but not overly-effusive. It’s the first guy, so I’ll reserve judgment, but that was pretty horrible stuff. (Sorry I am being so gruff, but I need to call Craig’s bluff. Have you had enough? C’mon, stay tough!)

Next up is poor Kasey, the guy who went from “What a nice-seeming guy with a weird voice!” to “Oh my god, will someone please get that girl a restraining order?”

He starts off strong, but super cheesy:

“Mind and heart as one thought

My body as cold as ice

But the belief in what’s to come

Transcends the doubt and becomes very precise”

Although a noble start, Kasey soon loses his mojo as he begins mumbling the words to the next part of his poem. Most of what he says isn’t understandable, and the producers even resort to putting subtitles under him to help us translate.

“I’m falling for you, Ali

And I want you to know

(the producers put up ???? for this next line since no one understands any part of it)

And I promise you, Ali, you’ll always have my

(then the producers subtitle the word CHEST? under him as he grabs his heart)

Ali looks totally confused and turns to the other guys with a look that seems to say, “Help me out here guys. Did you pick up ANY of what he’s saying to me?” Kasey thinks he nailed it. The other guys are shuffling their feet, giggling at the ground about how bad he was.

Chris L. from Massachusetts is up next. He’s wearing a really dumb-looking hat that looks warm. Before he even begins his poem, he tells Ali: “You have to try to take me seriously in this hat. Even though it’s goofy, I’m glad to have it!” and then gets this look of recognition on his face, like he thinks he just spontaneously made up a rhyme on the spot.  Sorry, dude. Last time I checked, “hat” and “it” don’t really rhyme.  Better luck next time. Here’s a dime. Go write something more sublime.

Next we cut to Justin “Rated-R”. Quiet on the set, please…

“Ali, when I look at you

You seem like you could be the one.

But if not, I don’t think my life will be much fun.”

So deep and moving, no?

Roberto is up next. He starts speaking in Icelandic, and Ali just looks befuddled. She has no idea what he’s saying.

We cut back to the real poem Chris L. wrote for Ali:

“I want to take you to meet the fam

(We all cringe inwardly here and repeat to ourselves, ”Please don’t rhyme fam with ham…please don’t rhyme fam with ham…”)

I’ll even make you some eggs and ham (Bingo! There it is. Truly sad.)

Two important things are (unintelligible Icelandic words)

I’m sorry but that’s the end of this because I can’t make a rhyme with that.”

Because, as we all know, good love poetry must rhyme, right?

Next up is Background Guy Chris N. It’s immediately apparent that he doesn’t have any paper in front of him. Chris N. knows he needs to impress Ali at this point, even though we all know he wasn’t going to win way back on the second episode. He puts on his patented deer-in-the-headlights look and begins:

“Ali, I believe we need to go out

Heat up Iceland, and head out…”

At this point he trails off and begins to falter. He’s obviously forgotten his words. The producers pipe in some music to really emphasize to us that this guy is a true dumbass. He looks off to the side in the hopes that someone can feed him the next line, but to no avail. It’s sink or swim here, Background Guy.

He pulls it together and continues in a voice that can only be described as catatonic:

“The bells that have been ringing out here today

Have brought me these thoughts that I need to say

I want to melt down some things like (unintelligible)…”

The dumbass music is still playing while Frank tells us that all the guys cringed watching Background Guy deliver his poem.

Background Guy continues:

“This is pretty…trust me…

…want to get to know you..

And…uh…I forgot the rest of my lines…”

Author! Author! Bravo! Bravo! Chris N…you just NAILED your big poem for Ali! What are you going to do now?

“I’m going to pack my bags, put my tail between my legs, and head back to Podunk nowhere and resume my life of obscurity while all the while being humiliated that my bad poem will follow me to the grave…”

Next up is Kirk. He takes a cue from Roberto last week, and instead of reading his poem to Ali from across the square, he walks up to her and reads it to her face. How did Roberto not think of that this week when it was his idea last week? Bad move, Latin Lover.

Kirk’s actually got a pretty decent poem written given he did it in only an hour in cold so bitter he may have iced off a testicle:

“Ali…Los Angeles is where

Our journey had begun.

And where I first noticed your adorable freckles

In the California sun.

Next, off to New York

And for the first time

I found myself falling into your rich, root beer eyes

The journey has now led us both somewhere cold

But it’s here in Iceland I’m hoping (complicated Icelandic that rhymes with “cold” and apparently means, “Our love will unfold.”)”

Ali immediately melts and gushes, “Awwww….” all syrupy. It’s a goofy moment, but it’s obvious from her reaction that Kirk is in the lead right now. And just to set the record straight, I don’t think I would ever advise comparing the woman you want to bed and wed’s eyes to a soft drink, nor would I recommend you calling out her freckles on national television. It worked for Kirk, apparently, but I would steer clear and leave those kinds of comparisons to the masters, n’k?

Last up we have Frank, who’s pretty confident he has the love poem skills it will take to win Ali’s heart:

“Some time ago

I traveled overseas

With the girl that I loved

She made me weak in the knees.

My heart has since broken (at this point he approaches her too)

My faith in love torn

Then I looked in your eyes

And new hope was born.

Again I’ll follow my heart

Because I trust it with you

You’re honest, you’re genuine, you’re sweet

And you’re kinda cute too

As they say here in Iceland

(unintelligible Icelandic that ends with an “-ense” sound)

And I wish I knew what that meant

Or even made sense.

Everyone smiles, and we can tell Ali really liked his poem too. So now it’s definitely between Kirk and Frank.

Chris Harrison makes a public apology to the Icelandic people for the butchering the guys just gave their language. Ali tells us it’s between Kirk and Frank, but she ends up giving the one-on-one date to Kirk since she hasn’t had any one-on-one time with him yet and she’s already skipped merrily down the emergency lane and made out under the Hollywood sign with Frank.

The One-on-One Date, or “Should We Call You Kirkette?”

We come back from commercial and immediately get a shot of a large phallic symbol building in downtown Reykjavik. Things are looking up for Kirk, huh?

Ali is sitting under a statue in a square and Kirk sneaks up behind her and surprises her with a tickle on the ribs. If that were me I would have decked him, but Ali’s nicer and gives him a big hug. Again, the poor things both look frozen to the core. Get these folks to Barbados or Hawaii or something! This is getting painful to watch.

Their date is exploring the capital. Their first stop is at a sweater shop to try on sweaters that match better with what the locals are supposed to be wearing (although if you look in the background of any shots on tonight’s episode, you’ll notice that not one native Icelander is wearing anything remotely resembling what these two yahoos are trying on.)

Kirk understands that men cross-dressing as women is always good for a laugh, and so he tries on a frilly, white half-sweater and pretends to model it for Ali. What a hoot. “I feel like I can bring my inner child out when I’m with her and that’s OK,” Kirk tells us. Um, Kirk, if your inner child wants to parade around in women’s clothes, that’s fine by me. But maybe you’re on the wrong show, my friend?

They both leave the store wearing the exact same outfit – matching sweaters and mufflers and hats. Kirk's masculinity level has now sunk to new lows. So cute these two. They feed some geese and Ali’s annoying laugh and giggle are back and they both say things like, “I feel like we’re a couple!” and “He’s so upbeat and positive!”

They sit down (still freezing outside!) and she asks him about his dating life. “I’ve dated some great women – people that I can’t say a bad thing about,” he says, which makes us wonder why Kirk breaks up and/or is dumped by such great people. Ali is concerned that he hasn’t dated anyone seriously for over a year. She feels like he’s keeping something back. We feel the set-up coming to some deep, dark secret that Kirk will be revealing later. Gasp! What could it be? He’s a nudist? He likes to wear women’s sweaters on the weekends? We can’t wait.

(Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank – or “Frank the Tank” as they all apparently call him for no reason – get the news that they will be attending the group date. This is a blow to Kasey, who now has to go up against Justin “Rated-R” in the dreaded two-on-one date where one will definitely be sent packing.)

Back on the one-on-one date, Kirk and Ali are now going to dinner at the only building in the entire country of Iceland that seems to have English words on the front: “Lobster House”.

Kirk immediately starts off a bit uncomfortable, and Ali senses that he’s been hiding something. Then he finally lets out his deep, dark secret. It seems Kirk was an all-American runner in high school and was the 8^th fastest 1500-er in the United States. He moved to college and spent his freshman year in an old house that apparently caused him a lot of problems—the hair on his arms started falling out, he had short term memory loss, the left side of his body started going numb, his legs wouldn’t work, he lost 15 pounds, and he just felt all-around terrible. After some sleuthing, his mom figured out that the house he had been living in had been condemned as unlivable by the state due to asbestos contamination and “multiple mold overgrowths” (ew ew ew) Who knew?

All the while, Ali’s eyes keep bugging out further and further. Kirk is fine now, thankfully, but the whole ordeal has taught him a lot about the important relationships in his life and to prioritize what’s important. Kirk remembers back to the night he first met Ali when she told the guys that she was looking for someone to help make her a better person. She’s melting big time now and they make out at the dinner table.

“Kirk’s story is unbelievably inspiring!” Ali tells us, and then gives him the rose that’s sitting on the table. Not to take away from the pain and suffering I'm sure Kirk endured, but sob stories like this one always get the guys some play.

“Emotionally, I am 100% on board with her,” Kirk tells us, and we thank the gods that he didn’t add an extra 10% to that like Craig did last week. He says he feels so lucky and they hug some more. Close up on the candle behind Ali, fade to an exterior of the lobster house, and….scene.

But wait! It’s not time for a commercial yet! Back at the hotel, the romantic music has switched over to tense and angst-ridden as we see Kasey gazing forlornly out the window. Frank is trying to comfort him. Kasey goes on and on about how he has been a man, but that the emotional pain of all of this is getting to be too much for him. “I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer. I love to love and I love to share,” he pines. What cute chick from San Francisco can’t resist those lines? “If I get sent home, it’s gonna destroy me,” he predicts, and we just KNOW that he’s toast tonight. Let the Kasey meltdown begin in earnest after the break. We finish the scene with a close-up on his tattoo and his uncertainty about when he will show it to her.

The Group Date, or “Blacked Out Bottoms at the Blue Lagoon”

We come back to lots of shots of volcanoes and frozen tundra again. We see Ali standing there with what look like a pack of miniature horses. They definitely don’t look like ones you’d see on a dude ranch here in the U.S., that’s for sure. The poor girl looks absolutely frozen to the core now as she tells us that, “…group dates are always awkward.” Oh goodie! Then we can’t wait!

Ty, who is from the South, is of course loving the fact that this date involves horses. “Saddle up, partner!” he whoops, and shows Ali how to get on to her horse.

Frank is immediately jealous and is “…surprised he wasn’t tying lassoes.” Roberto is amazed that Ali knows how to ride a horse: “Everything that she does – she’s fearless!” he says, like riding miniature horses on the ice is a death-defying feat worthy of awe.

It’s obvious from the start that Chris L. from MA has no idea what he’s doing. His saddle is slipping off, his horse won’t listen to him, and he’s looking more and more pissed off. Ty jumps off to help Chris L. out, but this just makes Chris L. more bitter. I notice at this point that all the guys are wearing matching snowsuits. I dunno why that's important, but there you have it...

They arrive at what can best be described as a large hole in the ground. Ty does his best Ella impersonation and states, “We’re fixin’ to go in this cave!” and forgets that the whole Southern charm thing only got Ella so far with Jake last season. Ella got dumped at Sea World, dude. Sea World! And you're out in the middle of freakin' frozen nowhere with the chance to get left behind there. Time to tone it down, Ty.

(Back at the hotel we see a scheming Justin “Rated-R” wondering what he can do to one-up the fact that Kasey has a tattoo. Next, we see him at the doctor’s office having his cast sliced off and a boot put on. He talks all tough about competing with Kasey, and then we get a totally staged shot of him throwing his crutches into a garbage can. Not buying that for a second!)

Back at the cave, Ty is taking the lead making sure everyone is OK, which pisses them all off, but makes Ali like him all the more. Chris L. gets to be lowered down first. He’s so excited by that, he hits his head several times on the ice on the way down. He’s happy that Ali will be next and that they will get some alone time while they wait for the next guy to come down. Ali says her fingers are frozen, and Chris L. offers her his gloves. Such the gentleman.

After all the guys are safely down inside the cave, they go exploring wearing miner’s hats like the Seven Dwarves wore and holding lanterns like the ones Kasey and Ali used in the museum of Natural History back in New York City. I keep expecting them to round a bend and come upon an amazing ice cave or a glacier ice-fed deep blue pool, but I am sorely disappointed when after a few seconds they just appear out of another hole somewhere else. That was it?! They all just walked through a dark cave and flashed their lights everywhere? Lame. I hope that Ali at least pulled one of the hotter guys aside and got a cave quickie. Otherwise that was a wasted trip for all involved.

They come out just in time for a sunset, of course, and Ali tells us that “…so far on this date, Frank has been non-existent.” Ouch. That one’s gotta hurt. They sip hot tea sitting outside the exit to the cave. Ty says, “This has definitely been a dream date for sure!” which is a total lie. Since when is freezing your patootie off with five other guys buried down in an abandoned mine in the frozen wasteland of Iceland a “dream date?” Ken and Barbie have “dream dates” and this definitely does not qualify as one of those. Ali wants to know how they are getting out of there, which is a valid question given the horses aren’t here anymore. Um, anyone?

They must have hitched a ride, because the next scene is now at night and the group is walking amongst some giant, steaming pools of water. Ali all of a sudden pretends she’s a local and tells us this place is called The Blue Lagoon and that people believe the water has healing properties.

She starts stripping off her clothes, and we see she has a bikini on underneath. Apparently, someone has brought the guys’ suits too, because we see shots of them changing out of their snowsuits and into swimsuits. In one especially funny shot we see Pixilated Pouch Craig trying to change under a towel wrapped around his waist. He leans over to pull up his trunks, and the towel comes off, revealing his full lily-white ass. The producers have the common courtesy to put a giant black box over the offending anatomy and we all have a good laugh. For the record, this makes the second time that the producers have had to somehow hide Craig’s naughty parts. Chippendales, here he comes!

Once in the pool, Ali first asks Ty to go exploring with her. She tells him that she liked how he helped all day and he says his favorite part of the “journey” so far is right now. Bleah. Cheesy line. They hug and she gives him a kiss on the cheek, but no lip-lock for hunky Ty. Man, I think I would truly kill for his shoulders. Perfection.

Chris L. from MA gets the next alone time. Ali asks about his past relationships, and he admits that he’s always been the one to change to fit the girl instead of just being himself. He says he’s being himself now, and she says she likes that. They make out and she plays with his hair. Definite chemistry still between these two.

Meanwhile, Frank is over at the other pool with the other guys and he’s going crazy knowing that Ali and Ty are alone together. The producers pipe in fake sound bites of Ali’s laughing just to really drive home the point that poor Frank is being tormented by how much he hates this situation.

(And back at the room, a loud knock tells us it’s time for the delivery of the final Date Card tonight. Then I realize we never really got to see Date Cards for either of the other dates. Rip off! “Let’s explore the land of fire and ice!” the card says. Justin shows Kasey that his hand is twitching, which supposedly shows when his adrenaline is flowing at maximum. Kasey thinks Justin is being fake and “shady”. The tension mounts…)

Back at the pools, Ali has now paired off with Frank. Ali tells him that he never seems like he’s around on group dates. She’s always looking for him. He apologizes for having been so removed and pushes her hair behind one ear to emphasize his creepy point. “I need to be here for her,” Frank tells us. “I need to be one of those guys. I just hope she’ll forgive me,” like he accidentally ran over her dog or something. The horror!

We cut back to the pool and the whole group is there once again. We even see background Guy Chris N. for about a second and a half! Alert the media!

Ali picks up the rose and it looks all dead and wilted from sitting out in the frozen air mixed with steamy sulphuric water. “It’s like the Beauty and the Beast rose!” she complains, and I like her that much more for knowing a Disney reference. She, of course, gives the rose to Ty for being such a down home Southern gentleman during the whole date. “There wasn’t a moment this guy wasn’t there when I needed him,” Ali tells the group, and you can just see the knife that statement has twisted into Frank’s back. He’s back to the stalkerish looks. And fade to black…

The Two-on-One Date, or “If You Don’t Get to Hang in the Ice Cave, Get Ready to Be Stranded on a Glacier Alone”

Back at the hotel, Kasey is packing up his stuff while Frank gives him a pep talk and leans against the wall with his arms crossed, pushing his biceps out to make them look bigger. They both agree that Justin is a snake. Takes one to know one, Frank!

In Justin’s room, Kirk is there giving a similar pep talk, and Justin says he can’t wait for the date to start. “It’s gonna be exciting…thrilling…”

We cut to a shot of Ali waiting on the ice next to the ubiquitous helicopter. She immediately notices that Justin no longer has his crutches, which has got to bum out Kasey and steal some of his thunder around the new tattoo he’s waiting to show her. Kasey does end up getting the first hug, though, “Finally! I can hug you with two arms!” Justin enthuses. “He’s not here for Ali. He puts on a show,” Kasey tells us.

They take off and fly over an active volcano. There are some incredible shots of lava spewing out and steam pouring out everywhere. It’s again apparent that Ali has overcome her terrifying fear of heights. What gives? One date she’s clutching at Roberto for dear life, and now these last two episodes she’s been sitting in helicopters like it’s nothing.

“It’s about to get a little hot in here,” Ali warns, and just as Kasey has himself believing that they are about to have a threeway in the helicopter, it lands on the edge of the volcano. They get out, and it’s funny to see both Kasey and Ali helping Justin along with his walking. I thought Kasey hated this guy and would do anything to win? Why not just leave him to fend for himself the way Justin is about to do to him? Bad move.

Next, the helicopter takes them to the middle of a gigantic glacier and lands there. They walk down inside a really cool ice cave (THIS is what I was thinking the guys on the Group Date were rapelling down to find!) All of the furniture is carved out of ice and there are candles everywhere.

Ali first gets some alone time with Justin. We get hilarious shots of Kasey having to sit just outside the cave to wait his turn with Ali. Ali tells Justin that she knows the guys don’t like him and that she wants to find out more about him. He regrets showing her the t-shirt in such a public way the first night they met. Cut back to Kasey who is promising us he will “guard and protect” Ali’s heart. Shooters take your shots!

Kasey tells us he’s going to be himself, takes a sip from the mug he’s holding, and starts choking on whatever he was trying to swallow. Um, Ali? This guy also chokes on tea. Just lettin’ you know…

Now it’s time for Kasey’s one-on-one time with Ali and I do a spit take and laugh out loud when I realize that she’s coming out of the swanky cave to sit next to him. Kasey doesn’t rank high enough to get to talk to Ali in the cool cave? What’s up with that? It’s not Justin’s cave, it’s Ali’s, and she won’t share it with Kasey? This is looking bad. I flash back quickly to the guy Jillian stranded on the side of the railroad out in the frozen Canadian wilderness. Surely Ali couldn’t be so cruel as to try the same thing, right?

Back out in front of the cave, Kasey has been spewing stupid things like, “How do I prove my genuine heart?” and gives us one more “guard and protect”. Ali tells us, “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal,” and we all laugh out loud again since we know he’s about to flash her his crazy tattoo and reveal himself to be an official member of the Crazy Club to her.

Kasey is nervous as the time approaches to show Ali the tattoo. He tells her he got the tattoo, and Ali responds with, “What? When?” instead of, “Cool! Can I see?” which does not bode well for Krazy Kasey. “Your mom’s gonna kill you!” she says next. Strike two. “Thank you, Kasey, for being you. That’s all I can really ask for,” she ends with, and the third pitch is a swing and a miss. Kasey is most definitely out.

One interesting part of Kasey’s big “reveal” is that he says that there are eleven “studs” on the tattooed heart that each represent the guys who are left. Last week he called them “nails”. The way he all of a sudden threw out “studs”, I wonder if maybe Kasey is guarding and protecting the wrong gender? Just a thought.

For some reason, the three of them have to hike out into the middle of the glacier to hear Ali’s decision about which guy goes and which guy stays. This is such a foregone conclusion that I’m not sure why they went to all that effort. Why not just stay in the ice cave for this? Ali’s chilled and races through her canned speech to get to the dumping part.

Of course she tells Kasey that it’s bad news for him. She’s giving the rose to Justin. She thinks Kasey is really great and knows he is ready to meet someone (just not HER!) and that she doesn’t want to hold him back from unleashing all of his Krazy Kasey-ness on the world at large.

The best is yet to come, though, as we watch Justin take Ali into the helicopter. They get in, and we get shots through the window of a forlorn Kasey being abandoned on the glacier. The helicopter takes off without him and he waves sadly goodbye. Ali says it’s hard to celebrate with Justin knowing that she just left Kasey behind to suffer an icy death (or to be picked up by the show’s other helicopter and whisked back to a warm bed and hot chocolate back in town – whichever).

“I am 100% positive that I made the right choice today,” Ali tells us, but apparently she hasn’t been reading the spoiler sites and gossip rags about ol’ Justin “Rated-R’. More on that next week.

The Cocktail Party, or “Once a Dumbass, Always a Dumbass”

We start the party with Justin telling the rest of the guys about Kasey being abandoned on the glacier. “It’s definitely serious now,” he says. “Like, dudes, I totally hope we don’t go some place cold next cuz these chicks on this show like to leave us stranded in cold places.” Don’t hate. He could have said that, right? Fibber...

Frank steals Ali away first for some alone time. He’s making weird eye contact with her and holding her gaze for too long. It’s kinda creepy. He tells her that he’s learned a lesson about being there for Ali regardless of who else is on the date. He tells her, “You are a smart girl. That’s one of the most attractive things about you, honestly,” and she of course melts and starts making out with him. So I guess all you need to do to get to first base with Ali is compliment her on her smarts. They make out a lot.

Pixilated Pouch/Black Boxed Butt Craig is next. He’s nervous because he’s not sure where he stands with Ali. He’s one of the only guys left who hasn’t had a one-on-one date with her. He seems like a nice, genuine guy, but there’s something that’s still a bit Background-y about him. He does have a funny bit where he tells Ali that he wanted to do something to show her the way he feels about her, and rolls up his sleeve. She obviously thinks he’s gotten a tattoo too, but we find out that he’s just drawn a bad-looking heart with an arrow through it in the same place Kasey got his real one. “I love it!” Ali says excitedly. “That was awesome!”

Next up is stoner/deer-in-the-headlights Chris N. who blew his shot during the poetry reading by forgetting his memorized poem while dumbass music played in the background. Ali asks him to tell her one thing about himself that would surprise her, and he answers back that a long term friend once told him that he’s funny. Oh yeah...and he also likes Mexican food. Thus ensues a REALLY awkward couple of minutes where he looks at anything except her, she fiddles with her earring, and the music tells us that the producers once again want us to think he’s a dumbass.

During this whole fiasco, Kirk points out Ali’s body language while she’s with Chris N. He notices that she’s pulling away from him and keeping distance. The guys think that means Ali and Chris N. will just remain friends, nothing more. “They may do brunch once a year,” Kirk thinks and again pulls the zinger of the night for the second week in a row.

Chris N. and Ali do a very brief, distant hug and then Chris N. tells us he thinks it went well and that it all felt very natural to him. No wonder he’s single! There was nothing natural about any part of that whole interchange.

Chris L. from MA is up next and Ali asks him about where they’d live if they ended up together. He says he’d live anywhere for her and even goes so far as to say he’d be a garbage man in San Francisco if it meant being with her. This sounds so noble, but I’m guessing Chris L. hasn’t seen what Market Street looks like on a Monday morning. He may want to rethink his declarations of love before he utters them next time.

Chris L. says some really sweet things about his dad and what a great role model Dad was for being a good husband. They hug, but no lips for our guy Chris L.

Roberto takes Ali outside for their alone time, and they again have to don layers and layers of clothing to avoid the frostbite. They hug and he kisses her cheek. Then things take a weird turn. Ali thinks Roberto is too hot for her and asks him if he would have approached her in the “real world”. “Would you try to date me?” she wants to know.

Smooth Mover Roberto never answers this question outright. Instead he says that he’s really shy, which really means, “No…I wouldn’t have dated you unless you were a baseball groupie throwing yourself on me at every bar. Otherwise, your annoying laugh and fondness for canary yellow would have driven me way far away.”

Now the party is over and Ali is being interviewed by Chris Harrison. I think it’s hilarious that Chris sounds like he has a stuffy nose. Wasn’t Ali kissing on the guys in last week’s episode while she was supposedly dying from some creeping crud? And Chris Harrison ends up with the runny nose? Hmmm….I don’t want to start any rumors here, but I think that’s too important to be a coincidence, no?

Ali says that Iceland “…is INSANE!” whatever that means and tells Chris that she thinks Kasey “…fell in love with the idea of falling in love here. He made himself believe he was really falling for me. It didn’t feel good.” Wow, Kasey, that must be tough to hear. Can’t wait to hear your take on it during the reunion show.

Then things take another weird turn as Chris Harrison starts to psychoanalyze our girl Ali. He thinks that she’s afraid to fall in love. “What are you afraid if?” he wants to know. She won’t answer at first, but then eventually admits that she is terrified she won’t be loved back. This makes me think she’s going to choose Roberto in the end since he’s the only guy it seems she feels insecure around.

Through her deep, penetrating discussion with Chris Harrison, Ali comes to realize that she needs to put love above all else and not let fear be such a controlling factor in her life. Wow, Ali, you are such a fine, upstanding role model to millions of young girls wondering how they will traverse the rocky roads of romance in the future. Thank goodness they have women like you trailblazing the way forward.

The Rose Ceremony, or “Why Do We Even Need to Do This? Just Get Rid of Chris N. and Let’s Get Out of This Frozen Country and Get Our Butts to Freakin’ Turkey!”

Smoke rises from the mysterious pools again. We see that Kirk, Ty, and Justin are all safe with their roses securely pinned to their lapels. Ali has to send one guy home tonight since Kasey is already a frozen block of ice waiting out on the glacier to be unearthed in 10,000 years. It’s painfully obvious that it’s going to be Chris N. – the Background Guy who was edited to look like a cross between a stoner and a 7^th grader in the two times we saw him tonight. An ice sculpture holds the roses Ali will dole out.

Frank gets the first one. She asks if he will accept the rose, and again he answers, “Of course I will, Ali.” Mark my words. Total creepo, this guy. Why say her name while you’re staring her directly in her eyes?

Chris L. from MA gets the next rose, and we get a shot of Chris N. looking bummed since he had a shot at it when Ali first started saying the name “Chris”.

She mispronounces row-BUR-to’s name again tonight, but gives him the next rose anyway, and now it’s down to Black-Bottomed Craig and Background Guy Chris N. No surprises here as the last rose goes to Craig.

Chris N. still has zero expression on his face. He walks over to say goodbye to Ali, gives her a quick peck on the cheek, and makes the Walk of Shame out to a waiting limo (Why do some guys get to ride in limos when they get dumped, but others have to settle for taxi vans? It never makes sense to me…)

“I’m a little shattered by this whole thing,” he tells us from the back seat of the limo. “She did miss out on a lot of things about me.” Like what, Chris N.? Like how well you can blend into any background? Like how peppy and fun your poetry reading turned out? Or maybe your scintillating cocktail party talk? Time to pack your bags, Chris N.

Next, we hear Ali announce that the group will be heading to Turkey, and again I will bet dollars to donuts that not one guy in that room could find Turkey on a map. In their minds they are all secretly hoping that Turkey is a much warmer climate so that they can start feeling their extremities again.

My favorite part of this scene is when Ali gets all knowledgeable about Turkey and tells the guys that they are “…supposably going to one of the oldest cities in the world.” Yup…you read that correctly. Ali uses “supposably” instead of “supposedly”. Sigh. Ali, you just lost like 100 Cool Points for that faux pas. What are you, six?

Previews for Next Week, or “Let’s Talk Turkey”

Next week guys will be wrestling with their shirts off, and Frank will freak out about what he’s feeling for Ali. Pretty standard fare. What looks even better, though, is the phone call we see Ali get where a woman’s voice tells her that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home. We see some ensuing drama between whichever guy it is and Ali. It gets so intense that Ali uses the “F” word and has to be bleeped. We can see her chasing the guy out a door and yelling, “Is this how you supposably want to be perceived?” after him. OK, so maybe she didn’t say supposably again, but she probably would have if she’d had the chance.

Closing Credits, or “Sorry About Your Small Penis!”

As the credits roll, we see the guys on the Group Date on their horses. They are making fun of the fact that Black-Bottomed Craig ended up with the smallest horse and that his feet are almost touching the ground. It is kinda comical to watch him bouncing along like Sancho Panza. For some reason, there is harmonica music playing – maybe to symbolize the “git along little doggie” aspect of this scene? I dunno. Then Craig waxes wise and tells the audience, “It’s not the size of the horse, it’s how you use it,” which answers everything we need to know about why his crotch was pixilated at the beach photo shoot.

In Memoriam, or “Since No One Ever Makes Comments About Ali’s Clothes Except for Me, I’ll Try Something New This Week”

Since Ali spent almost this entire episode in layers and layers of snow clothes, I’m not going to do a wardrobe check this week (although the little sparkly tiara hair band she wore in most of her interviews tonight was totally cute and the dress she wore at the cocktail party was too spangly on the shoulder).

Instead, I would like to devote this part of the blog to the memory of Jake and Vienna’s relationship. Many of you have read the news that they officially announced their split earlier today. Honestly, no one was surprised. She held on long enough to make it seem like she was happy to be sitting at Dancing with the Stars for weeks on end and make Jakey Boy look good. But the lure of the swampland and selling peanuts on the roadside like her mother does proved too strong for Vienna, and they are now officially Splitsville.

RIP yet another failed Bachelor/Bachelorette relationship. What is it about this show that makes so many of the “winning” couples break up so soon after the show ends? Could it be the faked storylines? The contrived dramas? The fact that there’s no way to really fall in love with anyone in four weeks of taping with cameras constantly at your side? The world may never know, but let’s all have a moment of silence for Jake and Vienna. Hopefully she can bounce back and make her Papa proud by spreading her legs for Penthouse soon, and maybe he can give it another go with a real quality girl who won’t give him diseases on his bits and pieces like Vienna probably did. I wish them both the best.

See you next week! Please don’t forget to join After the Rose on Facebook if you’d like more regular Bachelor/Bachelorette updates. Hope to see you there!