Hello, Bachelorette fans! Here we are at the start of another new season, and I have to admit that I was little worried my enthusiasm for this show was going to wane a bit. I mean, how can anyone live up to Crazy Michelle and America’s-Most-Hated Vienna from last season?
Well, after watching last night’s season premiere, you can all sleep soundly knowing that The Bachelorette is back and I’m all in. I don’t know how this show manages to find the range of characters they do, but kudos to the casting producers for bringing us some humdinger dudes this year.
For those of you new to the blog, each week I’ll write up a little about the best, worst, and most cringe-worthy moments of that week’s episode. Feel free to chime in below in the comments section if you are so inclined.
So without further ado let’s get to Ali and the boys…
Most Interesting Fashion Statement of the Show So Far:
The 80’s look is apparently back in style as Ali sported two different tops on the show that looked like something straight out of Flashdance. The tops were wide at the neckline so that they could fall down one side and expose a shoulder. In one shot, Ali went for the classic Like-A-Virgin Madonna look and even let her bra strap show.
In the opening segment when we are reintroduced to her, she wears a particularly shoulder-revealing number and chirps, “I let fears and insecurities run my life! I’m not gonna be victim to that any more!” Jennifer Beals couldn’t have said it (and shown it) any better! What a feelin’!
Obvious Themes for This Season:
1. First and foremost, Ali wants it to be known that she has quit her job at Facebook and gotten out of her apartment. THAT’S how committed she is to love this time. THAT shows how much she wants to find Mr. Right. Ali must have repeated this at least ten times last night in some form or another, so I assume it will be a recurring theme throughout. And Ali was smart gettin’ out of Facebook before we all dump our accounts over privacy issues, huh?
2. Justin/”Rated-R” has a broken ankle/foot/whatever. Man…how many times could they cut to that guy’s skanky-lookin’, gnarly-toed foot? Bleah…
First Impressions:
It’s always interesting to see who gets the most airtime in these introductory montages since we know those are usually the guys who make it to the end or end up creating the most drama in the house.
In this montage we meet Frank, a guy with thick, black-rimmed glasses who tells us he used to have a high-powered corporate job, but now lives at home with his parents and writes screenplays. He has a distractingly bad tooth near the front of his mouth that I can’t stop staring at. I’m guessing this guy will be a drama-creator, not a finalist.
We also meet Jay who has longish, bad 70’s hair. He’s a lawyer and they even show an obviously staged scene where he’s supposedly in the midst of a trial even though we can clearly see there is no one else in the courtroom except for someone the producers probably pulled in off the street and offered $50 to pretend to look interested. This guy’s going nowhere fast.
We meet Craig from Toronto, who looks like he could be Patrick Dempsey’s older brother. He’s obviously very proud of his thick, full head of perfectly-gelled hair. Craig provides us with our first pronoun error of the night when he exclaims, “I’m willing to give it all up for Ali and I to fall in love.”
We meet the Mountain Man Kyle from Colorado and watch with a heavy heart as he drills a hole in the ice and goes ice-fishing. There’s no way Ali is picking this guy. Can you imagine Ali dropping her swingin’ San Francisco lifestyle and living out on a frozen lake with a guy who says, “I need a woman!” This guy won’t last the first episode.
We meet Justin “Rated-R” who speaks a foreign language (Italian?) to his grandma and generally comes off as sweet, even though the focus is on his crutches (see above).
Next comes Philip whose brother recently passed away, and we get some nice shots of him shirtless and wet training in the pool for his triathlon. We meet Ty from Tennessee who seems like a Southern gentleman. For those of you who watched last season, he reminds me of a male Ella, which means he will probably get dumped at Sea World too.
Lastly we meet Chris from Cape Cod. He’s cute and used to be a teacher in New York, but left it to come home and help out his dying mother. Now that she’s been gone for over a year, Chris says, “I need that perfect soul mate. That void will be filled by Ali.” We like him.
Then we get quick shots and sound bites from several other guys whom we have to believe aren’t going to be all that important this season since the producers chose to just skip right over them. But in this section we find out that Roberto sells insurance, Tyler V. has a smokin’ hot bod, Derrick is a hot construction guy (woof!), and Steve is not worried about the competition.
Wardrobe Malfunction:
What was up with the dress Ali wore all during the introductions and cocktail party? She kept having to lift it up which made her hunch over too much, which emphasized her butt. I was also having bad flashbacks to Jake hiding that rose down his butt crack as I watched Ali’s long, draping necklaces disappear down the back part of her dress. I didn’t like anything about this whole get-up. Where was the cute canary yellow from last season?
Let’s Meet the Guys!:
First out of the limo is Chris H. He’s cute and smiley and tells Ali he’s going to go grab a seat inside. “Awww…he’s cute!” Ali moons as he walks inside.
Next out is Jesse. He asks Ali, “How do you feel about dating a peculiar man?” and she can’t understand what he’s saying so his whole joke that he comes from Peculiar, Missouri is totally ruined. Life sucks, huh dude? That was your first shot to make an impression on her and it turned into an epic fail.
Chris I. is next and tells Ali he’s a Red Sox fan. She gives him a cute little head bob when he tells her he’ll see her inside. Good sign. I’m paying real close attention to Ali’s body language this season.
Tennessee Ty gets out next and is, of course, a true gentleman when he tells Ali, “They said you were purty, but you’re absolutely beautiful!”
The last guy out of the first limo is thick-black-glasses-guy Frank. Instead of coming out the door like most normal people, though, Frank chooses to vault himself out of the sunroof. I’m guessing any money he got paid to do this show went back to the producers to pay for the dents on the top of the limo.
The second limo pulls up and first out is Jesse on crutches. Ali feels bad for him as he hops up the entry stairs. “Oh my gosh! Don’t fall!” she swoons. He’s totally getting the sympathy vote from her tonight. Slam dunk.
Bad-hair, fake lawyer Jay is next and is calling her “Sweet”? Wait…did he just call her “Sweet” again? OK…this guy is frontrunner for creepiest so far. Who calls a total stranger Sweet with bad hair like that? Potential Stalker #1.
Chris N. makes a plastic rose appear out of thin air for Ali so he can remind her to give him one later on in the night.
Kasey comes out and has the weirdest voice I’ve ever heard. It sounds like it’s coming from the back of his nose. It’s almost like he’s a ventriloquist. It’s totally distracting coming out of his baby face. This guy also has creepo potential as he tells Ali that he will “always be there to protect and guard your heart.” I mean seriously, really? Who talks to someone like that EVER, much less the first time they meet them? Potential stalker #2.
Mountain Man Kyle pretends to reel Ali in towards the limo and we cringe inwardly. But he’s wearing a canary yellow shirt, so maybe he has a shot here?
Roberto comes out and speaks sexy Spanish to her. He’s most definitely a hottie and if I’m not mistaken, there were some sparks shootin’ around between those two for a few seconds. Methinks Ali likes a Latin little spicy in her men. We shall see.
Craig/Patrick Dempsey greets Ali with an “I’m so glad you’re not Vienna!” and she tells him she likes his way-too-loud tie.
John N. is totally forgettable. I didn’t even remember to take notes on him. He won’t last long.
Tyler V, is happy she’s not flying in Jake’s airplane. I’m not even going to make a cockpit joke here. Promise.
John C. gets on one knee and proposes to her with a cubic zirconium ring. Smooth move, dude. Way to woo the ladies.
Jonathan is a cheeseball weatherman who brings Ali a sunshine symbol from his weather board so it “will always be sunny wherever you go.” Barf.
Craig R. asks her if she’s nervous. She says yes and takes a big step back from him. I’m not sure if Craig got the hint, but WE sure did.
Steve predicted she would be wearing yellow, but she’s not, so she ruined the opening line he had all worked out. Fail.
Kurt makes her a rose out of paper, but it’s sad and falls over like it’s dead.
Tyler M. scores one of the most memorable moments of this segment when he gets out of the limo wearing cowboy boots and tells Ali he wore them because that’s what she was wearing too when she first stepped out of the limo to meet Jake. Uh oh, Tyler M. Wrong! Ali says that she wasn’t wearing any such thing. Let the awkward moments ensue. Tyler also is wearing a pink shirt, and my gaydar is pinging off the charts for him. Is this finally the season where we get a closeted gay guy ruining all the fun?
Hunter compliments Ali on how beautiful she is, but then screws it all up by telling her how badly he has to go to the bathroom. They finish their interaction with Ali giving him directions to the can. Nice.
Derek did his homework and watched Jake’s season. He remembers that Ali believes that if you catch a falling leaf and make a wish on it, it will come true. So he hauls out a handful of big, mulchy-looking leaves and tosses them in the air. One lands smack-dab on Ali’s head, and she doesn’t even notice. We all collectively hold our breaths as we wonder if he’s going to tell her that she has a huge, decomposing leaf in her hair. PHEW! He wipes the leaves away. Crisis averted.
Phil is one of those creepy guys who holds eye contact too intensely and for too long. Potential Stalker #3.
Derrick gets out and tells Ali that his nickname is Shooter and we KNOW that can’t be good. He says he’ll have to tell her how he got that nickname later on. We wait with baited breath.
Lastly, Jason gets out of the limo on the wrong side, clambers up on the roof, and does a back flip down to the other side to reveal a really bad-looking beard that is trimmed so he has no hair in that space between his lower lip and tip of his chin. Really odd look.
Best Moments from the “Get to Know You” Cocktail Party:
Frank tells Ali that he lived in Paris for a while and wrote screenplays, which is much different from what he told us about chucking his corporate life and moving back in with his folks. I already don’t like this guy. He’s too “on” and isn’t telling Ali the whole truth.
Harkening back to the god-awful framed collage that Tenley made for Jake on their last date, Kirk has made a scrapbook for Ali to show her what he’s all about. Apparently what he’s all about is being really shallow because we see the book is filled with catchy witticisms like, “Be ridiculous!” accompanied by shots of him making silly faces at the camera. Patrick Dempsey is almost apoplectic with how weird he thinks it is.
Kasey with the really weird voice once again tells Ali that he will guard and protect her heart and then says his parents got divorced when he was 12, just like Ali’s parents did. He is totally corny and totally trying too hard.
Hunter plays a lame original song on his ukulele, but apparently desperate single women fall for musicians hard because Ali is totally into it. Eighth graders write better poetry than he does. Trust me.
Derrick tells his “Shooter” story, and it’s not a good one. He got his name because of things happening too quickly his first time having sex. Um, dude. That whole story is wrong for so many reasons. Does Ali need to know that about you right off the bat? Does she need that image in her head of you disappointing some Kappa-Kappa-Whatever chick you got drunk with at the Little Sister BBQ? Bad move…
Patrick Dempsey has to share his Ali time with cheesy weatherman and can’t get a word in edgewise. He sits there fuming while the weatherman monopolizes the time with Ali, then gets all He-Man on him afterwards by being condescending to him and giving him advice about what women really want. This guy has drama written all over him. “He’s a d***!” one guy tells the camera.
Ali salsa dances with Roberto. They make a cute couple and I see more sparks. Oh, and Roberto also goes on and on about how in love his parents are, which starts to get super annoying.
Chris I. gives her his coat and uses the words “wicked awesome” since they are both from Massachusetts. In a strange strategic move, he lies about his mother dying and tells us that saying that to Ali “…is not a first impression thing.” Should be interesting to see what happens when Ali finds out about all of that.
For some reason, Mountain Man guy gives Ali a hook like he has in his hat. This dude’s toast. Can you just imagine Ali and Mountain Man walking down Union Street together on a sunny Sunday afternoon?
Bad hair/fake lawyer Jay is kicking himself that he let Mountain Man take all the time from Ali. In a cunning insight to things to come he tells us, “I totally blew it!” Yes you did, dude. Totally.
Justin tells Ali he wrestles and then reveals his “Rated-R” t-shirt. (“Where I come from, we call that “Rated Bad” retorts the guy with the bad beard who did the backflip off the car.) Justin’s obviously going to be the “bad boy” this season, but he smooth talks Ali and says he’s there for all the right reasons, “…not like those other 24 jabronis,” which sends me to urbandictionary.com to see what a jabroni actually is (it’s a slang word for a poser or loser FYI. Now ya know…).
Craig R, for some inexplicable reason, gives Ali a mini yellow high-top tennis shoe keychain and tells her he has another one just like it so that maybe one day they can pair them up. So pathetic. How do they think this crap up?
A Familiar Face:
Did you catch that the heavy guy who escorted Rozlyn out of the mansion last season is back tonight! We jump with glee as we see him bringing in the ballot box for voting out the guy who’s here for the wrong reasons. We jump even higher when we learn that Justin “Rated-R” is already disliked by basically every guy. Ali, of course, gives him the rose anyway so there can be some drama still in the house.
Paging Rosetta Stone:
If Ali is going to keep Roberto around and even give him the coveted First Impression Rose, then she’s going to need to practice pronouncing his name. Ali sweetie, it’s “Row-Bear-Toe”, not “Rah-Bear-Toe”. You might want to work on that if you want to work on him.
Racist Moment of the Show:
Watching the guys call Roberto “Rico Suave” and talking about how he “did some hot sauce dance.” Ay caramba, chicos. You’re already pulling that crap out of your bag of dirty tricks?
Rose Ceremony Roundup:
In a move that shocks no one, Shooter/Derrick is sent packing. Ali knows what she wants in her man, and Quick Draw McGraw it ain’t. See ya, Shooter. At least every girl in the country won’t know about how you got your nickname. Oh, wait…you told that story on national TV. Yeah, you’re screwed.
Bad hair/fake lawyer Jay is out too. He already told us this was going to happen, so it’s not too surprising to us. He never made his move to get to know Ali, so he’s outta there. I just hope he sees his hair on TV and decides to make a few life changes.
The guy with the bad beard who did the back flip off the car is out too. I’m liking Ali more and more with each choice here. This guy has “douchebag” oozing out of every pore in his body, and I’m glad Ali could sense that too.
Lastly, Mountain Man is out. Although I know this is for the best, I’m kinda bummed we won’t get to see him and Ali going on wild outdoor dates and gettin’ all Lord of the Flies on us. The possibilities here were tantalizing, but, alas, our City Girl Ali needs a more metropolitan man.
Highlights of Scenes to Come This Season:
-The guys having a tug-of-war on a beach and one guy is wearing a Speedo.
-Barenaked Ladies becoming the newest in a string of “We were famous once and desperately need some publicity so people will listen to us again!” bands serenading Ali and a lucky guy. Paging Chicago...
-Hints at an attempted suicide by the way-too-intense guy with the weird voice. We see a bandage wrapped around his wrist and hear sirens.
-Ali yelling at escaping bachelors who have obviously been found out in some big scandal. Ooo…can’t wait for those. Should be juicy.
-And in the closing credits we again get Hunter and his ukulele. He makes Ali laugh by making up more stupid Bachelor rhymes, but it doesn’t come anywhere near to being as funny as the closing credit scenes during last season. Hopefully these will improve!
-So that’s the premiere. Looks like a bang-up season this time around. Check back here for updates along the way, and don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook. Tell everyone you know! The more people we have participating in this, the more fun it will be.
