Recycling, Sippy Dentists, and Bad Dancers

Is it just me, or is this season getting really boring really quickly? It is fast becoming The Michelle Show, and I don’t feel like I could name half the girls who are left at this point. I’ll try to make this week’s post as entertaining as possible, but the producers, it seems, are trying to foil my attempts at giving out any awards this week.

Chunky jewelry was in full effect again this week. We spied everything from Meaghan’s big earrings to Michelle’s giant bracelet, to Britt’s big danglers too. I love a theme.

On we go…

The First Recycled Date of the Season:

TIE:

1. This award first goes to Chantal O. and Brad, who helicopter over to Catalina Island just like Kiptyn and Tenley did during Bachelor Pad last summer. Chantal and Brad even hang in the same outdoors-y spot on the beach complete with cabana tents and a huge bed/chaise lounge thingy for canoodling both in and out of the rain.

2. The second recycled date of the evening goes to Michelle and Brad who scale down a tall building in downtown L.A. and then have dinner and a swim. This date has been done to death already. I always wonder what the people who live or work inside that building are told before the date happens. “WARNING: Vapid people with sexually transmitted diseases will be pressing themselves against the glass of your apartment between 4:00 and 6:00 today. “ OR “WARNING: Because you live on the 25^th floor, we have to warn you that our happy couple will be stopping right in front of your windows to pose for the requisite ‘Kiss in the Middle of a Scary Event’ moment that our show requires. We thank you for your patience.”

Funniest Star Wars Reference:

I did a spit take when I saw Chantal O. and Brad walking along the ocean floor in what looked like authentic Storm Trooper outfits from the original Star Wars series. All they needed was some laser guns to start blasting all the fake fish they filmed to make it look like they were in a really exotic location when they were really only off the coast of California where there are hardly any interesting-looking fish. Even an appearance by Darth Vader wasn’t going to save how boring this date was. Of course Chantal is “terrified” of going into deep water in the ocean, so of course the producers made sure that this was the date she was on, and of course she got through it and used the whole episode as a metaphor for her love for Brad. Bleah. So tired and recycled. This show needs to mix it up a bit more.

“We’re Ready to Rip Out Our Own Eyeballs Now! Uncle!” Award:

Oh…my…GOD! I am SO over Michelle’s constant whining and snarky comments about the other girls. We get it. Girlfriend is nuts. She slinks around like an anemic cat and throws out barbs at the other girls like a skanky fisherman with no eyebrows. But oh my god…do we have to hear again and again and again that she thinks she’s better and that she had better get one-on-one time with Brad or that she’s the best match for him? Do they pay her by the word for this crap? It’s so mind-numbingly tired by now.

Which leads us to our companion award for this category…

Contestant Most Giving Michelle a Run for Her Money in the Loony Department:

This of course goes to Ashley S. Who knew that dentists could be so needy and nuts all at the same time? You think they should be calm and collected as they precisely drill into your teeth, but not our pal Ashley S. No, she sees Brad showing interest in other girls and starts freaking out about it. Like seriously bat-sh** crazy. She curls up on Brad’s lap a few times, cries, flips her hair, rubs her mouth, sucks on her own lips – all sure signs that the meltdown is imminent. It’s no surprise that the producers made Brad keep her around for another week. They can sense the impending implosion just as well as we can, and they can’t wait for how delicious it’s all gonna be.

Ashley S. has learned from the best, and so throughout the show she does her best Michelle imitations by breaking up one-on-one times in awkward ways, moving around to creepy stalker music, stalking through brush and grassy knolls to approach Brad making out with someone else to interrupt him with what she thinks is something more important, and taking swigs off of a gigantic chalice of red wine every 10 seconds. Michelle should have patented these moves, right? Cuz Crazy Dentist is all over them every chance she can get.

I’m guessing that if Crazy Dentist ends up losing this little Brad Battle, her list of patients will be shrinking down to zero. Did you see her pinkie sticking out as she got sloshed on her red wine? Not really the image you like of the person who is responsible for giving you shots in your gums and putting drill bits in your tooth canals.

Most “WTF?” Moment:

OK, Michelle…WTF? How do you go to bed with normal eyes one night and wake up with one black one the next day? How does something like that even happen? We would have totally bought it if you had said that Dentist Ashley S. hauled off and hit you with one of those things they use to suck all the spit out of your mouth at the dentist’s office or if you had said Chantal O. clubbed you with a beer bottle in a drunken brawl. But this whole, “I have no idea how it happened! I have heartburn!” bit is just a tad bit beyond belief. Any guesses as to what really happened? We may never know, but I really hope she gets asked about it on the reunion show.

Drinking Game of the Week:

This goes to Brad and any time that he used the word “real”. Last night I counted it being used by him 6 times. Of course, this game would have been a hard one to play since every time he used the word you would have had to take a shot AND try not to spit it back out in laughter as you realized that he was using the word “real” to mean the dates he was on and the women he was dating. Nothing real about any of that.

Fakest Radio Broadcast of All Time:

This has gotta be the Group Date where Brad and some of the young lovelies pay a visit to Lovelines and Dr. Drew. Don’t be fooled by the flashing lights and the “On the Air” lights coming on. There is no way any of that was really broadcast, is there? This show was taped back in the fall. If it had gone out live then, people would have already known which girls were still in the mix and it would have spoiled results. And did you notice how almost no one except the hosts was talking into an actual mike? At one point, Britt had her mouth right in front of one and someone actually nudged it away from her so we could get a better view of her face.

And how hard did you laugh at all of them saying how Dr. Drew really got them to open up and all share their feelings? Let’s see… we found out that Stacey cheated in college, that Meghan is looking for a guy who she can be herself around (NEWSFLASH: this is every human being on the planet), and Britt gets nervous around Brad. Wow, Dr. Drew, I have seen you help celebrities in rehab and lesser-known people with relationship issues, but the depths of this soul-bearing know no bounds.

This whole radio show thing was crap from the first light flashing on and I hope Dr. Drew is as thoroughly embarrassed for agreeing to do it as we were for watching it.

Best Line of the Night:

This actually could be the winner for Best Line of the Season, but we still have a ways to go before we crown that one. This one goes hands-down to Chantal O. Back at the mansion while some of the other girls are out on their Group Date, the fake doorbell rings and the next Date Card gets delivered. Of course it’s the one-on-one date for Michelle that they have been setting up all night. Michelle is excited she finally gets her time and she hears what the message Brad has written her says: “Let’s hang out together.”

It what can only be described as the mark of true genius, Chantal O. waits a beat, then points out to Michelle, “Your card doesn’t have love in it.” And we realize it’s true. The ladies list off all the Date Cards Brad has sent out so far, and they all included the word “love” in them. Hilariously, this card does not. Next, Chantal shows us her truly perfect timing with delivery when she adds, “Oh, it’s probably nothing…” with a little smirk. And the death-blow has been dealt.

Next we get a montage of Michelle obsessing over what it means that her card didn’t have the word love in it. Chantal has planted the seeds of doubt in Michelle’s mind PERFECTLY, and it’s truly awesome to watch her unravel. It’s gonna be tough to beat Chantal this season in this award!

Biggest “Dis” of the Episode:

This is really tough, so I’m going to call it a four-way tie:

1. Ashely S. seems to be popping up a lot in this posting, and this award is no exception. Brad seems all ready to give her the rose on the Group Date – something which would insure that she’s around for at least another week. But when he comes back to the hot tub to make his announcement, she gets all passive-aggressive and starts flipping out. Brad announces that he’s had a last-minute change in plans and he instead calls Britt out and gives the rose to her. OUCH! That’s gotta hurt more than a root canal gone bad, huh Crazy Dentist? The rose was yours, and you blew it with your psycho, needy, insecure ways. Nice strategy you got goin’ there.

2. Of course, you could also say this award goes to Britt, since she is obviously the Sloppy Seconds rose recipient. It has to suck at least a little to know that you weren’t the first choice and that the only reason you’re getting the rose is because the frontrunner all of a sudden turned red wine crazy in a hot tub. Sucks to be Britt too.

3. And let’s not forget about Michelle. She’s all excited to finally have her one-on-one time with Brad only to discover that he’s going to clear the air with Ashley S. first before he takes Michelle out. Michelle gets to sit and fume while Brad takes Ashley outside to let her know that if she doesn’t get off of the crazy train and back to “how you were at the carnival”-ville, that she’ll be taking the next cab to the airport. Michelle is so fed up she literally jerks Brad’s arm towards the door when he finally says he’s ready to leave with her. Sucks to be Michelle too, except she’s nuts so we just laugh at her and think she’s getting what she deserves.

4. Lastly, we could give this award to all of the girls except Emily, as Brad whisks her outside during the cocktail party and gives the sweet young thing her very own special picnic on the wet cement of the driveway. The other girls are beyond miffed and can tell what wall the writing is on. This was vintage Bachelor and the producers milked it well for all it was worth. Special bonus credit for when one of the girls asked the group, “Do you think he has the ring in that basket?”

Best Call-Out of the Night:

This goes again to Chantal O., who finally can’t take any more of Michelle’s whining about her day being ruined by the drama with Ashley S. Chantal reminds Michelle that she did the exact same thing on a previous Group Date and focused all of the attention on herself. Michelle sees it differently, but we all know Chantal is 100% right. I’m liking Chantal more as I watch her stand up to the crazies.

Funniest Mispronounced Word That Could Also Be a Double-Entendre:

On his date with Michelle, Brad mispronounces the word “rappel” over and over and instead says, “repel”. How funny was it to hear him say that he and Michelle were going to “repel” down to the pool below? I’d say they did a really good job of “repelling” throughout the evening (especially to those folks up there on the 25^th floor…)

Least Surprising Outcome of the Evening:

Michelle is scared of heights. Brad is scared of crazy chicks who are hairdressers from Utah and also heights. Of course their date involves rappelling down the side of a tall building. Their voices crack, they both say they are going to throw up. They both don’t think they can do it. And then…success! Magically they do it! We are (not) shocked.

Worst Parent Ever:

This goes to Michelle, who says she’s fine with a guy she’s known for about 6 days and who has locked lips with at least half of the ladies there and who did this whole process a few years back and ended up with NO ONE and keeps Michelle and Crazy Dentist around to come meet her daughter. Say what now again? You want BRAD to meet your DAUGHTER?! Where’s the logic there? You should be hiding your daughter as far away from this man as possible. Dumb is contagious, y’know. Just ask Jake and Vienna.

Most Obvious Dump of the Night Before It Even Happened:

Lindsey is a first grade teacher who has said about three words this entire season and never had one-on-one time with Brad, but tonight she gets a ton of airtime. This is a true sign to us seasoned veterans that she will be dumped tonight. Ditto for Meaghan, who seems a bit too manly for Brad’s taste if you ask me. When Brad gives her dating advice about how to let her walls down and sounds like her dad, the death knell is rung.

So with lots of lip-sucking and sidelong glances, Crazy Dentist and Michelle both get to stay. This week another bevy of “Who the hell were THEY?!” beauties get dumped, including Manly Meaghan, Jersey Shore Stacey who cheated in college (lesson learned, ladies….never let Dr. Drew force you to admit something like this if you’re dating a hot guy), and Teacher Lindsey who lets us know that she thinks her dad will be “so proud” of her. What?! Proud of her?! For what?! For saying three words on a show where women throw themselves on the dumbest guy on the planet all in the name of furthering their modeling and acting careers? My neck still hurts from all the head-shaking I did at that line.

Next week we see that the Group Date takes them to the racetrack, and of course Emily (whose racecar-drivin’ boyfriend was killed in a plane crash in case you hadn’t heard) is along for all of the drama. We see lots of tears next week, which leads me to believe that both the crazies will hit their boiling point. Can’t wait.

In the credits we see that Brad can’t dance, which is a SUPER bad sign for all of these ladies. Because you know what they say about guys who are bad dancers, right? Sorry to break it to you ladies, but the vertical mambo is not the only thing that Brad’s probably not so hot at. Just to warn ya…

Let’s hope next week’s episode cranks up the interest level a bit more and ratchets down the crazies a bit – or at least has them go crazy about something new. As always, thanks for reading this far and please come over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose so we can have more fans over there too. This has been a quiet season from my readers, so I assume most of you have already tuned out of this season too, right? Is this thing on? Anyone out there? Let’s hear fro you!

See you next week…

Heidi, Tail-less Peacocks, and Ninjas

Welcome back to After the Rose! So did you all survive last night’s episode without sinking into a pit of despair? Was that not the most depressing, pass-the-Kleenex, violin-swelling-filled episode of all time? At every turn there was another sad story one of the ladies had to tell – some of them more than once! It ended up turning into a total weepfest, which was just about the only interesting thing about this episode. Otherwise, last night was pretty much a snoozer. Onward with tonight’s awards…

Best Drinking Game of the Night:

This goes to Michelle, of course. Her on-going tirade against the other girls and how they had better get out of her way because she’s the only real woman is beyond tired. No offense to anyone reading this who is named Michelle, but is it a coincidence that the crazy this season is named Michelle and then there was Crazy Michelle from Jake’s season and Bachelor Pad? They sure know how to cast some interesting Michelle’s on this show, huh? And you know this girl is crazy for two other reasons: (1) every time she enters a shot, the music changes and gets all stalker-y, and (2) she has no eyebrows.

Raise your glass every time Michelle says something like, “These girls are not right for Brad!” or, “Brad needs to end up with a woman!” (as opposed to a garbage disposal, Michelle?) , or, “I want ninjas to kidnap the other girls!”

Hoist ‘em high when Michelle rolls her eyes as she watches other girls canoodle with Brad, or uses her hair as a “I can’t see you making out with my man cuz my hair’s in front of my face!” shield against the other girls’ wily ways.

Special bonus shots for Michelle slinking into the background in a creepy way during Brad’s one-on-one time with another girl and awkwardly breaking the whole thing up so she can get time with him instead.

Here’s to you, Michelle (hic!) We love contestants like you. You have the double bonus of being totally nuts AND the producers make Brad keep you around so there will be interesting personalities left and we won’t be stuck watching the dentist-chick flip her hair all night instead.

Flashiest Chunky Jewelry:

The big bling was less conspicuous tonight, but it certainly made its appearance. There was a giant spider ring that appeared at one point, but I forgot to put in my notes on whose finger it was.

Honorable mention goes to Ashley S. who, during her date with Brad at Capitol Records, is sporting a huge, white chunky bracelet. Was it ceramic? It almost looked like something your crazy Aunt Sylvia, who really sells real estate but who dabbles in ceramics on the weekend, would make you for your birthday and then you’re forced to wear it to all family celebrations and pretend to like it even though you know she’s nuts. Or was it plastic? It also kinda looked a little bit like something Marcia Brady would have rocked at the pizza parlor. There was even some sort of flower or peace symbol painted on it to add to that 70’s feel.

Either way, I was getting a heavy Wonder Woman vibe from it. Maybe Michelle could borrow it to deflect off the onslaught of girls who don’t deserve Brad?

And we can’t leave the chunky jewelry category without giving Honorable Mention to Kimberly. I know, I know…your first thought is, “Who?” Kimberly! C’mon, folks. You know her. She’s the blonde who has said like three words all season and who hasn’t had any one-on-one time with Brad and has basically blended into the background all season? Kimberly? What’s that you say? That description covers about 10 girls this season so far? Hmmmm…you’re right. So let me tell you why Kimberly made this category this week.

Did anyone else notice that she was rocking those same peacock feather earrings that Kickin’ Keltie was wearing as she was dumped and Rockette-ed to the limo last week? For some unknown reason, Kimberly thinks it’s a good idea to wear, if not the same pair, the exact same idea of earring. Like Kickin’ Keltie’s situation last week, you just know there’s some peacock at the Oklahoma City Animal Sanctuary who was brought in with all of his plumage plucked, huddled in the corner getting no action from the peahens all in the name of dangly, glamorous fashion.

Kimberly’s earrings do their big dangly thing as she tries to merge into the background all night, and SHOCK! – she ends up getting dumped too, just like Kickin’ Keltie (although Kimberly decides NOT to flash her panties and tell us all how bendy she is…) Lessons learned from all this? Big bracelets equal make-out sessions, serenades from guys with weird scars on their faces, and plenty of squeezing on Brad’s abs. Giant peacock dangly earrings equal, “Don’t let the door smack you on the way into the limo!” I hope you all take this to heart in case you ever find yourself auditioning for this show (and if you ever do, please let me know. I would LOVE to know someone from this show and get inside scoop about what really goes on!)

Saddest Story of the Evening:

I mentioned in the intro that I believe this could be the most depressing episode of The Bachelor ever. It’s hard to pick just one story.

Do we give the nod to Ashley S. who tells us that she and her dad used to sing Kiss from a Rose all the time together before he had a brain aneurysm and…wait for it…DIED?

Or did you find the tears flowing more when you heard Chantal O. talk about how she didn’t talk to her biological father for 15 years, but tracked him down only to find that he had…wait for it…DIED?

Or how about Emily’s sad story (told twice during this episode…a grand total of four times for the season so far) about being 18, marrying her high school sweetheart, and then finding out she was pregnant with his daughter just before he was in a plane crash and…wait for it…DIED? (Does anyone else see Emily as an exact hybrid of Dolly Parton and Holly from The Girls Next Door on E!?)

Or how about Alli, who during the final cocktail party wells up as she talks about the fact that her dad was unfaithful to her mom and had another kid and that her parents…wait for it…DIVORCED (thought I was gonna say DIED, dintcha?)

Or how about Madison’s tears as she hears Emily’s story and suddenly has a flash of, “What the HELL am I doing here chasing after this dumbass with all of these crazy-ass bitches when there really is true love to be found in the real world?” She cries big tears all over the place and then…DIES! (Psych! That should have said, “She cries big tears all over the place and SNAPS OUT HER FANGS IN A SYMBOLIC GESTURE OF HOW STUPID THAT WHOLE VAMPIRE RUSE WAS TO BEGIN WITH!) Ain’t no dead relative that can mess with that, right?

I think that even though I will tear out my own teeth if she tells the whole, sordid story one more time, that I will give this award to Emily. Not only does she have a truly sad story, but she somehow manages to tell it in such a way that lives are changed and vampire teeth are popped out.

(And just as a side note so you don’t think I am cruel and heartless. I am not intending to make fun of anyone dying or divorcing or changing their teeth for vampire porn (OK, well maybe I can poke a little fun about the vampire porn and you’ll forgive me, right?) I have a heart too. I have lost people close to me. My folks divorced too. I don’t wish what these girls went through on anyone. I’m not poking fun at the bad news, only the way in which this show capitalizes on it and force feeds it to us like creamed spinach.)

Best “Dis” of the Night:

TIE:

1. During the final cocktail party, Michelle is curled up like a ready-to-pounce snake on the couch. Brad walks in the room, and she asks him, “Can I have you?” What was up with that? Can she HAVE him? How about, “Hey Brad. Do you have some time to chat?” or, “Hi Brad. These are my breasts and they are all yours if you take me outside right now.” But no, Michelle has to opt for the nutso approach and ask Brad, “Can I have you?”

Brad of course blows her off because she’s sitting there all creepy like a self-important, entitled Cleopatra. He walks over to a different girl instead. Cut to the next scene and there’s Chantal O. standing there asking Brad, “Can I have you?” (emphasis on the “I”)

I laughed out loud at this, and it rocketed Chantal O. up to the top of my likability meter for the evening. And to make matters even more humiliating for Cleo over on the couch, Brad says yes to Chantal O. and they stroll merrily on their way! Loved that scene. The Bachelor at its best!

2. What was up with rolling out a shrink for Brad? Did anyone else notice that this shrink is not the same one who got interviewed during the first episode? Total slap in the face to the original guy, huh? The producers must have told him, “Yeah…you’ve been Brad’s shrink for over three years and have nursed him back to mental health again well enough that he can put his hands up and down the dresses of all 30 of these ladies. You did a great job. But we’re not going to spring for you to fly out to L.A. and stay there in case Brad needs you like he’s needed you for three years straight. Instead, we’re going to hire a British guy who will be your stand-in because he looks more masculine with his shirt unbuttoned too far and all that hair coming off of his chest and he sounds smarter than you do since he has a British accent and you’re from Texas. Oh…and he has a tan and we can weirdly side light him better while he’s sitting in Brad’s living room. But take care, m’k?”

What do you think the odds are that Brad’s original doctor will ever see him again? Um…zero? Sucks to be you Mr. pasty-faced, Texas shrink. Total dis from the show. Maybe next time you’ll show up to the party tanned and buffed as is befitting a guest on The Bachelor.

Brad’s Dumbest Moment:

Wow. I mentioned in an earlier post that I think Brad may be just about the dumbest guy on the planet. There literally is nothing going on in those eyes at any point while he speaks or thinks. I figured I could pick one moment from this episode to highlight, but I’ll let you decide. So which is dumbest?

A. Inferencing tends to be tricky for the un-smart. Here’s one example where Brad falters. Emily relates that her husband went on a plane and that the plane never made it to its destination. Brad asks, “OK…his plane crashed?” Where does he think it went if it didn’t make it to its destination? It’s not like she’s trying to imply they took a swing by Bora Bora or something. Yes…it crashed, Brad. Don’t make the poor girl say it AGAIN!

B. Inappropriate responses also tend to trip up the slow-witted. After Emily has told her tragic tale and let Brad know that she also has a child, his first instinct is not to give her a hug. Nope, not our Brad. He doesn’t ask her if she’s OK or even thank her for relating all of that highly-personal information. No, Brad waits a beat and then asks, “Is it a boy or a girl?” In this moment, does that really matter, Brad? Will you dump her if she gives the wrong answer?

C. Math apparently is also an issue for our Brad. As he is rehashing how great his date with Emily went, he tells the camera that it seems like 100 pounds has been lifted off of Emily’s shoulders now that she has told him her story. Um, Brad, if she lost 100 pounds, that would make that cute, teensy thing about -15 pounds, right? (Yes…NEGATIVE fifteen pounds…)

I’ll let you decide which of Brad’s dumb moments was the true winner. Or did I miss one? Let me know in the comments.

Grossest Line of the Show:

The producers hit pay dirt with this one when they showed us Michelle saying that at the end of the show she wanted it to be just her and Brad, “…in Tahiti practicing making babies.”

Because Brad is so dense, this conjured up images of him trying to make babies by putting some body parts where they…um…how do I say this delicately? Where they don’t belong?

MICHELLE: “Brad! Get that thing out of my ear!”

BRAD: “Sorry, babe. Just practicin’…”

Brad’s Worst Acting Moment:

Since I’m already raking Brad across the coals here, I might as well add in a little something about his bad acting skills. We all know that most of what he says has been scripted for him by the producers. Watch the closing credits to see how many writers this show takes to be able to put such amazing words into everyone’s mouths. So it’s always funny to me when The Bachelor is forced to say and do things that are obviously out of his comfort zone.

This episode was no exception. When Cleopatra Michelle slinks into the background of Brad’s one-on-one time with Alli at the pool party, I almost had to turn away with how bad Brad’s rehearsed reaction shot was. He pretends to stutter through an answer to Alli while looking strangely at Michelle playing with her split ends. It’s so hard to watch Brad stumble through this scene, but it’s also kinda funny that the producers decided to leave his bad acting in and not make him re-shoot it. That’s how bad the other shots were, apparently.

The worst of his acting, though, had to have been at the start of the action movie group date. As the girls are getting out of the van and assembling to see what lies in store, Brad begins to tell them about the day. Of course, a huge explosion interrupts him and he’s attacked by ninjas. Of course. The lead-up to this interruption could not have been any more obvious. Brad’s eyes keep shifting around and he keeps slowing his voice down as if an explosion might happen and he might be attacked by ninjas at any moment. Truly cringe-worthy, but I guess when you look like he does and you’re getting the national exposure that he is, you don’t need to be a good actor, right?

Most Exciting Comeback of the Season:

The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back! The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back! The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back!

Most Pre-Arranged “We Know This Is Gonna Make Great TV’ Date of the Night:

TIE:

1. We could give this one to Ashley S., who has to sing Kiss from a Rose, which just happens to be the only song she and her dad (who died…did you hear?) sang together. She is totally freaked out about having to sing in the first place until she realizes that she’ll be singing “their song”. How contrived was THAT whole thing? I think they probably first asked Seal if he would do the show, then they polled all the ladies and asked them for every song they have ever liked in their entire lives. The one that put anything remotely related to Seal got the date after some finagling like this:

PRODUCERS: “Um…Ashley S….it says here on your favorite song questionnaire that your favorite songs are My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, Rape and Pillage by Murder is Fun, and I am the Walrus by The Beatles. You’re going to go on a date with Brad and sing a Seal song since a seal and a walrus are basically the same animal, we think. So from now on your favorite song is Kiss from a Rose, m’k?

ASHLEY S.: Oh my god! Seal’s face kinda creeps me out, but I turned that song on too loudly once in the car when I was a kid and my dad told me to turn it down! I totally connect with that song and my dad! Can I wear my ceramic/plastic Marcia Brady/Wonder Woman bracelet?

PRODUCERS: Only if you promise to cry when you talk about your dad and only if you promise to make out with Brad while we circle helicopters around the roof to film you.

ASHLEY S.: OK!

(and how old did it make you feel that she said she sang that song when she was TEN?! Sigh…)

2. The other overly-contrived date of the evening has to go to poor Emily. She’s excited to get some one-on-one time with Brad, but her smile fades as he excitedly pulls into the airport and proudly announces that they will be flying in a small plane to get to their final destination. Poor Emily. Brad doesn’t know her past with small planes, but she’s got to power through the sadness and just get on that plane.

Obviously the producers knew all about Emily’s back-story. So why couldn’t SHE be the one to go to the carnival or get the Julia Roberts treatment last week? Why does she HAVE to be the one who rides in a small plane? Because it makes great TV, obviously! Those crafty producers know exactly how to play with our emotions.

Saddest Celebrity Reference of the Evening:

I know you are all expecting me to rail on Seal for even appearing on this show in the first place. It’s always the mark of death to be a musician and be in any way associated with this show (Paging a Peter Cetera-less Chicago from Jake’s season…Chicago? Anyone?)

But I actually really like Seal and he sounded great, so I’ll give him props for showing up last night. This award, actually, goes to his wife Heidi Klum. I was SO bummed that she didn’t show up too! I know the reasons why she didn’t, but I really wanted her to be there anyway.

First of all, the producers know that someone like Heidi would totally outclass any girl there. None of these girls can hold a candle to a high-powered fashion model with her own show on Lifetime and her own signature line for booting contestants out the door.

Second, Heidi is one of those celebs who gets how sad you have to be to even appear on a show like The Bachelor. She has way too much street cred to have to show up on this wreck of a show. How would she ever look at Tim Gunn or Nina Garcia or Michael Kors in the eyes ever again? Smart move, Heidi, but we missed you nonetheless. (Ouch…as I am typing this in Microsoft Word, it doesn’t highlight “Klum” as a possible misspelling, but it DOES highlight “Kors”. She’s EVERYWHERE like Oprah…Discuss…)

So this award goes to Heidi, who made me sad by not showing up last night, even though I knew she wouldn’t.

Worst Idea for a Date Food:

On Brad’s date in the barn with Emily, we can see mounds of asparagus on both of their plates. Asparagus?! Everyone knows that you eat that stuff and almost instantly your pee will smell like the most rank, stanky, musty sweat sock you could find on the floor of a middle school boys’ locker room. Whose brainchild was this? I know they probably aren’t going to follow each other into the bathroom when one of them has to pee (although I hear Brad may be into this…), but what about air quality post-pee? How do you fix THAT in a barn set up with candles and Hollywood lighting? Am I the only one who does any THINKING here?! I’m guessing they either didn’t eat any of it, or they played, “Who can hold their pee the longest?’ all night.

Rose Ceremony Round-Up:

It sucked to be a blonde last night, because all three ladies who left had blonde hair. Madison quit on her own dramatically in the middle of the ceremony. That girl popped out her fangs and literally laid them on the table along with her heart (and a chalice of blood, a bat’s head, and her business card in case Brad ever wants to hook up for some freaky sex.)

Kimberly and Sarah P. are both let go and we have absolutely no idea who either of them is. Neither one has had any inkling of a story arc so far this season, so we knew they were goners from the start.

They do each have one distinguishing feature for us to remember them by, however. In Kimberly’s case, it’s the aforementioned peacock earrings. For Sarah P., it’s the frustration that she chose super-runny mascara on the night she gets dumped. Talk about your raccoon eyes! You know the show tells the girls the mascara is waterproof, but then gives them the cheap-ass stuff just so we can have waterworks scenes like this, right? Spectacular.

Most Over-Hyped, Misrepresented Moment in the Previews:

We can see that Cleo Michelle has a black eye in next week’s episode, and it’s implied that it was caused by one of the girls hauling off and finally hitting her. We know that the true story will be way less interesting though, and that if we really think she got hit we are falling victim to the producers ever-present editing skills that splice together scenes that probably really took place weeks apart, but that seems like cause and effect in a 30-second preview.

“Are Your True Colors Starting to Come Out?” Award:

In the closing credits, Brad and Emily are back in the fake barn roasting marshmallows. Brad starts them off and Emily could not look any more bored. She seriously looks like she’s about to conk out. Then she starts to roast one, Brad compliments her on her roasting skills, he asks her how she learned to do it so well, and she answers that she’s a mom and that’s what moms do. Awww…all sweet and sacharrine and “She’s perfect for Brad! He’d better choose HER!”

Then the mood shifts as she accidentally knocks a marshmallow onto the ground and has to be bleeped as she shouts, “Sh**!” She tries to backtrack and tell us, “I meant shoot…crap…” but the damage is done. Porcelain doll has a mouth on her. Hope we get to hear more of it later on!

You know the drill at the end here. I say thanks for reading this far. Then I implore you to leave comments and come over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose so you can keep updated. But you already knew all that, right?

See you next week for Michelle’s black eye!

30th Birthdays and Body Casts Always Bring Me Down...

Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Well, if there had been any doubt that this season of The Bachelor was going to be dull and uneventful, all of that was put to rest last night, right? The claws came out sooner than ever as several of the young lovelies showed their true crazy colors. Some of them paid the ultimate Bachelor price, while others sailed through to see another day in the mansion. Let’s get to all of the action…

Best Lines to Use for Drinking Games Last Night (AKA “Oh My GOD…Will You STOP Saying That?”)

This one is a tie. If it weren’t annoying enough that Brad had to repeat endlessly over and over that it was all getting “real”, then we get Michelle spouting endlessly over and over that today is her…sniff sniff…30^th birthday. Those of you toasting at either of those lines most certainly had passed out before the closing credits rolled.

OK, Brad. This is “real”? What exact part of this whole experience for you is real? The cameras following you around? The fact that this show has writers to tell you all what to say? Or the fact that a third party has chosen all of these hot women (well, most of ‘em are hot anyway…) to fall all over themselves hoping to get naked with you? What part of any of that is real? And what makes it all more real now than the first time we watched you do all of this before?

And Michelle. Alas, poor Michelle. She could be at home partying with her friends and apparently bedding any guy she wants. But no…poor Michelle has to spend HER 30^th birthday (did you hear it was her 30^th birthday, by the way?) sharing her guy with a bunch of other girls who aren’t worthy. Woe is you, Michelle. You chose to be on the show. You knew it was taping during your birthday. You knew you’d be competing with a ton of other ladies who we would like better than we like you. Get a grip.

By the way, what does one buy for a bachelorette like Michelle on her 30^th birthday? An iTunes gift card? A candle? Big, dangly earrings? Or perhaps a membership in the Antibiotic of the Month Club? Yeah, I went there. Try and stop me.

Fashion Choice About Which I Am Most on the Fence

I’m not sure what to make of the dress that Ashley H., the dentist, wore on the carnival date. My first impression of it was a yellow present meets a disco ball. It was all weird and too much. But then the more I watched it, the more I liked it. Yes it looked too young and cutesy on a professional woman, but maybe that’s how she lets loose? I dunno. Thoughts? This one has me stumped. There’s a Taylor Swift joke in here somewhere and I just can’t get it out.

Most Popular “Toldja SO!” Fashion Choice:

As I mentioned last week, gigantic, body-encompassing jewelry seems to be the newest trend these days for sweet young things looking to bag a bachelor. Some of the pieces last night were so over the top as to be laughable. How about those earrings “It’s my 30^th birthday!” Michelle had on? The ones that looked like three gigantoid clam shells dangling from each lobe? Or that huge aquamarine-colored necklace she had on during the video shoot? The one with all of those huge stones going in all sorts of wacky directions? CRAZY huge!

Or how about those gigantic Stevie Nicks-inspired peacock feather earrings that Kickin’ Keltie was rockin’ at the final cocktail party? How many peacocks aren’t gettin’ any tonight because they had to sacrifice their sex attractors for Keltie’s earlobes?

And huge rings that looked like they covered entire hands seemed to be all the rage last night too. Are the ladies wearing these to attract Brad’s attention to the fact that he needs to put a ring on their finger? Most of them look like spiders. I keep freaking out that tarantulas have invaded the set. Whatever the case, I called this fashion trend last week, and it hasn’t disappointed yet.

Weirdest Date of the Night

Hands down this would be the carnival date. Not only does it start off all “Thriller”-y with Brad driving them down a deserted mountain road in the pitch black with creepy music playing (weren’t you just waiting for Vincent Price to start rapping while zombies started pulling themselves out of the bushes?), but then it ends up at a carnival – yes a CARNIVAL! I guess this is sort of a cute idea, but you gotta think that Ashley H. was the teensiest bit bummed watching the episode back last night and realizing where Brad took her versus where he took Jackie/Pretty Woman later on.

I think Ashley H. was also pretty bummed that she had to wear that dress on all of the spinny rides. Dresses like that don’t exactly scream “A Day at the Fair”, and she couldn’t have been comfortable. Also, when I go to places with spinny rides where people walk around with big glasses of white wine and have quiet conversation, we tend to call those Art and Wine festivals, not carnivals. But I guess I’m splitting hairs here.

Brad and Ashley H. do make out a lot, which is probably saying a lot for a dentist since she probably sees firsthand all the creepy-crawlies that we pass back and forth when we kiss. They even made out on the Ferris wheel, which I think is dangerous. If one of them is prone to motion sickness spinning around and around, the results could be catastrophic while lips are locked.

It’s a good sign that both Brad and the dentist have dads who had addiction issues and were absent. This bonds them together big time. It’s also a good sign that he wants to call her “Ash”. Nicknames on the first date are key, right?

I think it’s a bad sign, though, that in his interviews Brad kept calling her “this girl” and never used her actual name once. Maybe he accidentally spilled some white wine on his hand where he wrote her name so he wouldn’t forget it? Just a guess.

Biggest Let-Down of the Night:

OK, producers. How can you spend an entire episode last week showing us how weird Vampire Madison is, make sure she goes on the date where they are filming a public service announcement for BLOOD, and then NOT make her the focus of the entire segment? Talk about your missed opportunity! Um, did you not notice that this girl has FANGS?! Like real ones surgically implanted in her MOUTH?! And instead you chose to focus on loony Michelle kvetching and whining about her BIRTHDAY?! I’m at a loss.

This whole date was just bad from the start. Michelle was already PMS’ing before they left the house (“People are gonna piss me off today. I know it.”) And then of course you have Alli (Um…I’d like to buy an “E” please, Pat?) and Britt, who are both playing the role of sweet, young virgin who is getting all nervous at the prospect of having to kiss on the first date in front of the other girls and the cameras.

And then there’s Melissa.  Ah, poor, dear Melissa. She’s the blonde with long, straight hair who kinda looks like Gwyneth Paltrow’s older, hardened sister who just got out of jail for cutting someone. She repeats incessantly that if she doesn’t get any one-on-one time with Brad tonight, that she’s definitely going home, and we seasoned professionals know that of course she will get that alone time but be dumped anyway. The set-ups on this show are just perfect that way, aren’t they?

Funniest Moment of the Show:

This moment belongs hands-down to poor Keltie, our high-kickin’, rocker chickin’, panty-flashin’ good time gal from last week. This week, poor Keltie has to don all sorts of casts and body braces for the PSA as if she’s been in an accident. She unrecognizable (and unintelligible) as she tries to act her way through the scene and mumble her lines. This was most certainly a set-up too. How else could you explain the one girl who high kicks the most having to be permanently immobilized for this entire segment? I laughed HARD at her the whole way through, but she took it like a trooper.

“From Lady to Tramp” Award:

There’s no contest here as Britt, our resident food writer, changes from cutesy, doe-eyed, virginal perfection to a man-mouth sucking, writhing, moaning sack of sequins and flesh as she goes in for a kiss with Brad on the bed during her scene. She’s actually so slutty here that she horrifies Raichel (Um…I’d like to sell an “I” please, Pat…) and Michelle. So you know it’s full bore slut, right? For someone who was initially feeling iffy about a first kiss so soon, Miss Britt certainly had all of her ducks in a row once the cameras starting rolling, no?

Honorable Mention for this category goes to Gwyneth’s older sister Melissa who, while she is watching two girls retake the same kissing scene with Brad over and over and over, ends up jumping on to the set uninvited and making out with Brad herself to show the other ladies how it’s done. Very classy, Melissa. If you add that little stunt to the 14,000 interviews we’ve had of you this episode saying how if you don’t get alone time with Brad you’re history, I’d say your chances of staying are about as high as Michelle’s chances of having a happy 30^th birthday.

Worst Video Ever Made on The Bachelor:

This one has to go to the supposed Red Cross PSA they were taping last night. I can’t find the “real” version of it anywhere on the Internet today. Does it not really exist? GASP! You mean it was only created to add to the content of the TV show and not to really help out the Red Cross? Or was it just so laughably bad that it is still sitting on the cutting room floor somewhere at ABC? We saw a short segment of it as we went to commercial at one point, but where’s the whole thing? I want to laugh at Keltie more.

Most “Calm Before the Storm” Moment:

At the “after party” for the video shoot, Brad tells us in a voiceover how excited he is to get away from all of the drama that happened at the shoot. As he huddles with the girls on top of the Roosevelt Hotel, he reminds them, “No drama, right?” This, of course, is Bachelor-talk for, “Let the catty games begin!” as we know all hell is about to break loose between the girls. “Ladies…start your engines!”

As Brad starts his alone time with some of the girls, Melissa Paltrow and Raichel Manscaper decide to get into it. I’m not one to choose sides in a situation like this (well, OK, I really AM one to choose sides in a situation like this…) but it certainly seemed like Raichel was the innocent here and Melissa was the aggressor. Melissa keeps throwing her age at Raichel as if being almost 32 makes her more mature or something, when what it’s really doing is reminding Brad he only likes girls who are under 25.

And then the pot is further stirred as 30^th Birthday Michelle receives the coveted rose on this date while the other girls lounge awkwardly around the pool and secretly are jealous of her huge jewelry. With gusto, Michelle shakes the rose between her teeth like a skanky flamenco dancer.

Saddest Lost Body Part(s):

This obviously goes to 30^th-Birthday Michelle’s eyebrows. Those things were probably completely plucked out well before her 20^th birthday and have instead been replaced with deep, dark, thick eyebrow pencil. This effect is not at all flattering on her and makes our attention go right there the whole time.

Most Awkward “You Think I’m a WHAT?!” Award:

Poor Jackie the artist. Last week she popped out of the limo all canary yellow and Idina Menzel-jawed. The producers hinted that she would emerge as one of the crazies of the show. This week they set her up on a “Dream Date” with Brad based on the movie Pretty Woman. You know…the movie where Richard Gere whisks Julia Roberts out of the hooker’s life to fall in love and live the rich life. Wait…did he just say HOOKER?! Yup. Seems like the producers and Brad think ol’ Jackie’s been turning tricks down on the boulevard and needs some savin’ by Prince Brad.

Alas for poor Jackie, despite the Beverly Hills designer dresses, the diamonds, the fancy car, and all the Richie Rich life, Brad just sees her basically as a hooker. That’s gotta suck, huh Jackie?

Jackie kinda lives up to this role in her selection of gowns too. Brad takes her to a hotel room filled with gorgeous designer dresses. I’m not even a cross-dresser and even I was swooning a bit at that bright pink number. She gets to choose any dress in the room! ANY ONE! Yet when she shows up in the next scene she has on a boring, grayish, wrappy dress that even though it is covered in sparkles manages to reflect no light whatsoever. Where’s the canary-lovin’ Jackie from last week? How could she make such a bad fashion choice when she had so many amazing gowns to choose from? Back to the boulevard with you, Julia…

Biggest Hint That You Will Not Last the Show Even Though Brad Is Giving You a Rose Now:

As Brad gives Jackie the rose at the end of their date he tells her, “I’m willing to hang in there. Do you wanna give this thing a shot?” Kiss of death. Mark my words.

Saddest Musical Act of the Episode:

(NOTE: I almost titled this “Saddest Musical Act of the Season”, but then noticed on the previews that Seal is making an appearance next week sans Heidi Klum. Stay tuned.)

So Brad whisks his lady of the evening to the Hollywood Bowl and they eat dinner on stage and of course the stage starts spinning and there is Train singing a single from their new album. It’s always just so embarrassingly bad when they roll out the bands on this show. How awkward was it for Train to have to play a set in front of these two dorks mooning for the camera ten feet in front of them? I love Train on the radio, but I have never heard the lead singer sound good live, and this was no exception. And what was up with no Hey Soul Sister? I cry foul! Of course, we had to listen to their new single Marry Me instead. Get it? Because this is all like The Bachelor where people get married ‘n’ stuff?

Biggest Set-Up for the Girl We Will Root For All Season:

This goes to Emily. Not only is she gorgeous and porcelain doll perfect, but she also last week revealed her sad story about her husband dying in a plane crash right before she found out she was pregnant. She already had all of America on her side from there. But last night we also got scenes of her calling her daughter at home and both of them getting all weepy. If there’s anyone watching this season who’s not rootin’ for this girl, then you don’t have a heart. And my guess is that if she ends up losing, she will be the next Bachelorette, so she’s got a win/win lined up wither way.

First Catfight of the Season:

During the final cocktail party Raichel Manscaper’s boobs and Gwyneth Melissa’s strident neck go at it some more, picking right up where they left off at the after party. Again, Melissa seems to be such a jerk here, taunting Raichel with such gems as, “I don’t have to shut up or move. You can!” The back and forth reduces both to tears. In typical Bachelor fashion, we still don’t really know why these two hate each other so much, but we’ve already chosen sides, popped the popcorn, and are settling in for a good ol’ fashioned Bachelor brawl.

Melissa sits down with Brad and starts going all Sarah Palin rogue on him about how she’s the “targeted girl” this season. You can practically see the warning lights going off all around Brad’s head as he tries to pretend to console her.

While this is going on, Raichel is crying in the other room and saying that Melissa is a “toxic disease to me in this journey!” Brad tracks her down in the hallway and tries to hear out her side. I actually feel bad for her. She let Melissa get under her skin, and it made her much less likable. Brad sees this too. You can practically see the wind blowing out of his sails the more she hugs him and sobs. These two are making tonight’s cut easier and easier!

“Make New Friends, but Keep the Old” Award:

This goes to Ali and Roberto, as they shuffle out awkwardly to help their “old friend” Brad by interviewing all of the women. They are tasked with seeing which they think he should give a special rose to before the ceremony. Both of them didn’t look as neat and polished as they did during their own season. Ro-bair-toe’s hair was going for the cool messed-up look but it just ended up looking like bad bedhead. And Ali proved that she still cannot pull off fancy clothes and looking comfortable at the same time.  They both looked a bit puffier, which I take as a good sign that they are foregoing their normal diet and exercise routines because they are too busy being in love. I actually hope they are happy. They both seem like nice people.

Ali and Roberto of course think that Porcelain Doll Emily is the best choice, so Brad chooses her to receive the special rose while all the other girls shoot daggers at Ali and Roberto.

The Rose Ceremony Wrap-Up:

Not too many surprises here. Chantal O. is happy to be first this time since Brad called her name last in the previous episode and apparently almost caused her to have a coronary. Several women received roses and I honestly have no idea who they are (Stacey? Lisa? Are they even ON this show?) “Was-A-Virgin-Now-Is-Power-Sucker-Kisser” Britt gets the final rose of the group, and Brad asks that she make sure that she work those power lips of hers on other parts of his body since he decided to keep her around for another week.

Not too many surprises about who gets dumped. Both of the catty drama queens at the cocktail party are history. I still think Brad is dumb as a stump in real life, but he seemed to make a good choice here. With Melissa, he needs someone less harsh and strident and someone who doesn’t stick her neck and lips out like a wild animal about to explode. With Raichel, he needs someone who doesn’t get so upset so easily by petty people and who doesn’t pull pubic hair out of men’s undercarriages with hot wax and whose boobs aren’t the only things you look at as she takes the Walk of Shame out of the mansion.

The sorta-surprise of the night was Brad letting go of Kickin’ Keltie. Does he have a bias against disabled women and her braces and casts at the video shoot were a turn-off? She didn’t flash her panties once this episode, so that may have played against her too. I guess we’ll never know. We do get the saddest exit interview ever as she tells us that she was meant to be alone and that she is the worst dater ever. She says she’s tried every dating avenue possible and none have worked and that this was her last ditch effort. She says she’s going to stick to kicking since it’s much easier, and I say, “Amen!” Over the credits Keltie goes out with a bang as she does a rap in the backyard describing all of the girls sitting around her. We’ll miss your spark, Keltie!

So that about wraps it up for this week. Thanks, as always for reading this far. Feel free to leave comments below, although I know none of you ever do. I can still see your hits on my map though, so I kow you’re out there whether you respond or not! J And don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook for more fun stuff too!

Catch you next week…

Boob-Blocking, Angelina Jolie, and Drinking Games

Welcome back, Bachelor fans! It’s been a long, dry spell through the fall and holidays with no bachelors or bachelorettes to talk about, tease, and rake over the coals. For those of you who are back for more, thanks for sticking with me! For those of you who are new, hope you enjoy the blog.

The format is simple. I watch the show each week, take some notes, and then compile what I see and think into a best and worst list. If you want to add your high and low points in the comments section, feel free! It’s that simple.

So, without further ado, let’s get into Episode #1…

Fashion Trend Prediction for This Season:

Based on last night’s episode, I am predicting lots of big, chunky jewelry making lots of appearances throughout. What started with that humongous leather band on Brad’s wrist as he took us through his sad, boring, “I need a woman to fulfill me” life in Austin ended with various girls wearing huge bracelets, necklaces, and even rings that looked like giant spiders across their fingers. Obviously The Bachelor sets fashion trends, right? I mean Ali was famous for rockin’ the canary yellow, and did you see all of the girls wearing it in one form or another last night? I can’t wait until one of the girls shows us her 14-inch cubic zirconium-encrusted nipple ring or Brad whips out his big, dangly earrings he secretly wears when he wants to feel pretty. Can’t wait to see the jewelry extremes this season!

Most “Oh My God, Just Shoot Me Now If This Whole Season is Going to Revolve Around This Theme” Motif of the Evening:

After the first five minutes I was already sick of the “I made a mistake, but I’m a changed man and I hope these ladies will give me a second chance” theme. That whole bit was seriously like a full hour of the show last night. I pray to the gods of reality TV (or Ali and Roberto…whichever will listen) that we won’t be subjected to any more of that for the rest of the season.

We get it that Brad regrets what he did. We get it that he spent “THREE, LONG YEARS” going through LOTS of therapy to get back to his Happy Place. We get it that he thinks everyone in America hates him (and by the way…I can pretty much guarantee that anyone who doesn’t watch this show has no idea who this guy is. You don’t have too much to worry about, Brad…) “I hit rock bottom…I was a broken man…” Weep weep weep. Sob sob sob. Poor Brad.

PLEASE tell me that some tabloid will track down Brad’s father who sounds like a really horrible person. I would love to see the interview THAT guy gives. “Yeah, I was a real awful dad back then. But if Brad can set me up with some of his cast-offs from the show, all is forgiven, m’k?” I bet it will rival when that rag tracked down Vienna’s mom selling peanuts on the side of the freeway in Florida. Awesome Bachelor moment, right? This could rival that easily if played the right way.

To really pour salt into our “When will this guy finally shut up about how damaged he is?” wounds, the producers bring out Brad’s actual shrink to certify that Brad is indeed fixed, that he’s not a total loony, and that the old Brad is dead. You know…kinda like the coroner from The Wizard of Oz checking out the witch that had the house fall on her. Sing along with me: “As Braaaad’s shrink, I thoroughly examined him. And his old self’s not only meeeeerely dead. It’s reeeeally most sinceeeeerely dead!”

Where did they get that shrink from? It looked like he hadn’t seen the light of the sun since Reagan’s first term. If I were the girl who wins this, I would take it as a very bad sign that Brad’s shrink is on the very first episode. We’re supposed to take his word for it that the dis has been taken out of Brad’s dysfunction? How repaired can he be exposing all of this laundry on national television? At least he still has the bod and the hot looks. I guess those haven’t gotten damaged at all.

Best Bachelor Move Stolen from a Former Bachelor:

In three separate shots during the opening scenes in Texas, we get shots of Brad leaning against a railing of some sort and staring pensively out into nothingness. Fans of the show will know that Brad here is bringing out “The Messner” from Jason’s season. Lots of shots of him leaning against railings too. Jake modified the maneuver during his two seasons by leaning and sobbing at the same time and then doubling over. It should be fun to see how Brad works with it this season. Stay tuned.

Most Bummed Twin on the Planet:

Brad’s twin brother who definitely did not get anything in the looks or body department. I think this is a fair trade-off, though, since Brad seems dumb as a stump and his brother seemed well-spoken and intelligent. You can’t have it all, you know.

(UPDATE: It seems I was in error on this one. Brad does indeed have an identical twin who looks even hotter than he does. The brother in this clip sounds like he was a half-brother or stepbrother. Apologies...)

Least Shocking Moment of the Evening:

Was anyone even a bit surprised that Jenny and Deanna came out with their shiny legs all spindly and crossed? Yawn. Both of them couldn’t have seemed more over it all. They both have rings on their fingers, they have moved on, so has Brad. Who cares what they have to say now?

The only up-side to this whole scene was when Brad gushed over how beautiful Jenny looked when the girls first came out, but then didn’t say anything even close to that to Deanna until later after he realized he hadn’t complimented her too. Awkward!

And Now, a Word from Our Sponsors…

I’m going to take a break here from the best/worst list to give a breakdown of each girl. They are, after all, the whole reason we’re here in the first place right? Without them, this show is nothing!

Chantal is the first out of the limo. We’ve all seen the shot of her saying she has something to give Brad from all of the women in America. And we’ve seen her slap him across the face. There is no way she thought of this on her own. We are told that none of the girls knew Brad would be The Bachelor until they pulled up in front of the mansion. There’s no way anyone could come up with that bit on such short notice. Brad says he loves her fire.

Kimberly is out of the limo next. He asks if she’s going to hit him too. She laughs and makes a joke that has the word “but” in it, and he construes it into something having to do with a big butt. ‘Nuff said.

Alli is out next and I already don’t like her because of how she spells her name. This show is only big enough for one Ali, and she and Roberto are happily doing the horizontal mambo in Florida, thank you very much. But this Alli tells Brad she knows America hates him, but promises she’ll give him a second chance.

Ashley S. is next, and ends up being a creepy nanny who does the whole “I will make eye contact with you no matter which way you look and I will move my head along with yours” thing. For those fans who have been with us throughout the seasons, she’s very reminiscent of Tenley with her chirpy voice. She tells Brad she’s his girl, then squeezes his ass for good measure. Brad shifts around in his pants uncomfortably and asks the producers if they can cut for 5-10 minutes while he imagines baseball scores and his grandmother’s brassiere.

Next up is Meaghan, who REALLY wants Brad to know that she’s into fashion. So much into fashion, actually, that she’s chosen hot pink chunky high-heeled shoes that have no connection whatsoever to anything else she’s wearing. Definitely trying too hard.

Marissa butches the show up a bit by asking Brad if he’s OK being with someone “…whose life completely revolves around sports,” and Brad answers, “I love you.” Women who try to impress men with how into sports they are get really annoying real fast, and I’m guessing this girl will be no exception.

Lindsay is up next, and she’s a 1^st grade teacher from Texas. She and Brad make stupid small talk about how they’re both from different parts of Texas. (“Oh my god, y’all…what are the ODDS? It must fate!”)

Ashley H. is a dentist who shakes hands in a really, really masculine way and bobs her head up and down while she does it. She tells Brad she’s a hugger, but we really know that’s just her way of copping a feel of his bod in case he dumps her tonight.  He picks her up. I notice she has a really big forehead, and I don’t think Brad’s going to be into that.

Raichel, who also doesn’t know how to spell her own name (see Alli above), tells Brad that he happens “…to be the perfect guy for me!” They do some weird breathing exercise together. It’s notable that she doesn’t tell him that she’s a manscaper in “real life”. Tee hee hee. We know something Brad doesn’t that will cause him pain later. Tee hee hee.

Every season needs a resident freak, and Madison is definitely that girl this season. She’s very into vampire culture and even has fangs surgically implanted in her mouth. She’s trying to be very Angelina Jolie with her coy smirks and her, “I’m SO mysterious!” comments, but she’s not fooling anyone. Don’t you love how the producers always change the background music for the freaks on this show? Michelle had her own soundtrack during Jake’s season. Werewolves howl and a Halloween-themed soundtrack plays as the camera falls on Madison. Later in the episode, Brad will ask her if she’s for real or if she just sees this as all a joke. I think those teeth speak for themselves, big guy.

Melissa runs out of the car and throws herself into Brad’s arms yelling, “Catch me!” as her opening gambit. She didn’t watch his season, so Brad asks her for another hug.

Renée (avec accent, n’est-ce pas?) is next with her huge eyes that make her look like she’s going to be a bit airhead-ish. Are those real chains holding her dress up in the back? Not flattering. She’s not memorable here, but see below for her shining moments on this episode.

Cristy is an attorney who apparently doesn’t make enough to buy a dress that fits properly. It’s all bunched up in the wrong places. She never saw Brad’s original season and wants to know what she should know about him. He answers, “I’ve changed”. I think this could be the new drinking game this season. Any reference to Brad changing, and you have to take a shot.

Jackie saw that it worked well for Ali, and so she sports a bright, canary yellow frock. She’s an artist, so you know she’s going to be cast as the flighty, slightly-bonkers one this season. It’s immediately apparent that she bears a striking resemblance to Idina Menzel with her strong jaw and eyes. She and Brad pinkie swear that they won’t break each others’ hearts, and you just KNOW she will reference this sadly when he finally dumps her.

Sarah P. is in real estate, and apparently this gives her all-encompassing power over all souls as she commands Brad to drop to one knee and ask her to marry him. And he DOES IT! She answers yes, and then throws her head back to laugh in a very Cruella DeVille-type fashion. This could be our black widow this season.

Lacey is out of the limo after the commercial break. She too maintains very creepy eye contact and Brad tries to look everywhere but at her while her head and eyes continually follow every minute movement of Brad’s. She hoists her dress up to walk, which is never a pretty move on this show.

Lauren is a high school teacher with very odd eyes. They are pretty, but huge and spaced strangely. She asks if she can steal a hug from him. There’s something about her that seems out of place here. Like she’s too pure to be Pink or something. Paging Sandra Dee…

Lisa P. asks Brad for advice since he’s been on the show before, and he answers with the sage wisdom of, “Be yourself.” Since standing on a wet driveway meeting 30 women is exactly how Brad himself would be spending that night if it weren’t for the show. Lisa’s chunky bracelet (seriously, folks, like half her arm is covered in it) almost takes Brad out.

Shawntel is a funeral director, but of course they make her out all sunny and smiley in canary yellow. Huh? A funeral director and embalmer can be happy and bubbly? No WAY! She laughs with her mouth way too open, but seems likable.

Britnee not only can’t spell her own name correctly, but she also thinks she can outwit the other girls by beckoning Brad over to let her out of the car instead of throwing herself at him like everyone else did. She says she likes a chivalrous man. I think she’s lucky Brad can string together a few words to make a sentence.

Stacey is a bartender from Boston who if you squint a bit looks like she could be part of the cast of Jersey Shore. She’s a bit rough around the edges, has a tough-sounding accent, and comes off a bit abrasive. She has no idea who Brad is, and he thanks god.

Jill comes off as too desperate as we hear her opening line that basically tells Brad that she’s ready to get married. There are always a few desperadoes on this show who feel that a man will make their lives complete and meaningful. She definitely seems like Prime Candidate #1 for that this year.

Lisa M. is from Kansas, and so of course she wears ruby slippers. Because Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz was from there too? Get it? Anyway…She’s young and sweet and innocent and you can practically see Brad’s brain working overtime for ways he can make her less innocent. Down boy…

Rebecca is an esthetician who also makes Brad come to her. She’s dressed like a Spanish widow in mourning, draped all in black with lace and dark make-up. She kisses Brad and tells him she hopes that she will find her prince among the frogs. SO original there, Rebecca! How did you ever come up with THAT?

J. is out next. Yes, J. No explanation for why she’s just one letter. Does one ask why Madonna is just Madonna or Cher is just Cher? No. So J. is just J. It’s her birthday today and she thanks Brad for throwing her such a big party. Hardee har har. She thinks this is all for her birthday.

Keltie supplies us with our first of many panty flashes as she high-kicks her way out of the limo. Yes, she's a Radio City Rockette and comes off as a crazy rocker party chick in her baby doll dress that is way too short. You can just picture her backstage at a Guns ‘N’ Roses concert with both arms over her head, fingers stretched out in a hang loose symbol, screaming, “WOOOOO-freakin’-HOO!” as the band comes on stage.

Sarah L. is a musical theater performer and seems way too impressed with herself. Did you want to know an amazing fact about Sarah L.? I mean truly amazing? She can’t snap her own fingers! Can you BELIEVE it? Isn’t that fascinating? Isn’t that exactly what Brad wanted to know about her first thing?

The music turns sad and minor key as we meet Emily. She married her high school sweetheart only to hear that he was killed in a plane crash – a plane she was supposed to go on too, but didn’t because she wasn’t feeling well that day. Later, she found out she was pregnant with his daughter. It’s all very sad and touching and she’s perfect as a Southern belle porcelain doll. So perfect, in fact, that Brad asks if it’s OK to even touch her, like he’ll break her or something.

Britt is a food writer with hair like Darryl Hannah from Splash. She gives Brad a bag of some sort of food and tells him that she thinks the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Really, Britt? That’s the best line they could feed you? We all cringe inwardly.

Michelle is the last one to meet Brad. She’s wearing a loud jungle print dress that flows everywhere. There seems to be some chemistry there and both say that they are exactly what the other wanted to see right now.

OK…now that you’ve met the ladies, it’s time to get back to the regular list….

Most Disappointing Scene of the Episode:

Raichel’s one-on-one time with Brad wins this one for sure. After her hilarious description of waxing guys’ “undercarriages” and “bat wings”, she only puts a little wax on Brad’s wrist and rips out a few paltry hairs. Bah humbug. There goes my much-anticipated “Kelly Clarkson!” yell.

Crazy Singer of the Season Honorable Mention:

We all remember Casey crooning his love awkwardly for Ali. We also all remember that his bad singing got him abandoned in an ice cave on a glacier. Well, apparently Jackie the artist didn’t see that episode as she comes up with a song to sing to Brad on the spur of the moment: “I came here today. All the way to L.A. What more can I say? Take me away!” Look for P. Diddy to release a single that samples this amazing talent some time in the next year. Jackie giggles self-consciously way too much and makes this whole scene close to unbearable to watch.

Biggest TMI moment:

Alli tells Brad that a guy dumped her because her butt was too big, then stands up and shoves her butt in his face to see what he thinks about it. Really classy, Alli. Should Brad shove his battered, broken ego in YOUR face to see what YOU think of it? We all have our crosses to bear (and apparently Brad needs to have his literally tattooed on his back just in case we don’t get what hardships he’s been through.)

Funniest “Oh No You Did Not Just Do That!” Moment(s):

Renée obviously wins this one as she tries in vain to get more than 30 seconds alone with Brad. We see a hilarious montage of her butting in on another girl’s time only to be boob-blocked by another girl stealing him away. “All these bitches are stealing him!” she bemoans, but Keltie the Rockette eggs her on to get back in there and keep trying. Alli ends up stealing Brad away two times from Renée. “I’m better than all these bitches here!” Renée tells the camera. Too funny.

Too-Strident Award:

This one goes to Michelle, in the long, flowing jungle print dress. She thinks she’s the only real woman there. “I’m a woman. I’m not a little girl,” she proudly intones. She says she’s going crazy when she realizes that she’s not getting the First Impression Rose. “It’s kinda making me sick!” she tells us. Tone it down, little lady. It’s too soon to be so vocal and put yourself out there that much.

The “Ooo! She IS the Crazy This Season!” Award:

This goes to artist Jackie, who upon hearing that she did not receive the First Impression Rose, wants to know what she could have done better. The door to Crazyville just cracked open a bit wider for this girl. Her eyes have the patented Michelle crazy look from Jake’s season. We’ll keep our eye on her to see what comes of it.

So ten girls get axed, among them the high school teacher (who presumably loses her job by telling us she’s “pissed off” about it), the girl who Brad told to be herself who whacked him with the chunky bracelet, Britnee who can’t spell her own name, and Rebecca who was looking for a prince among the frogs. Presumably Renée, who got boob-blocked all night, also left, but I never really got visual confirmation of that. Big letdown after all of that build-up and posturing by her.

The vampire stays and bites Brad’s neck. The crazy artist gets to stay. So does the rocker Rockette. Of course the producers make Brad keep around all of the interesting ones that he has no chance in hell of selecting at the end.

One note about the previews for next week. Did anyone else find it in bad taste that one of the dates this season is racing cars at a racetrack? Emily’s husband who died was a racecar driver. Hopefully she’s out by then or doesn’t get selected to go on this date, or things could get downright morbid.

I also loved the end credits with the rocker Rockette teaching Brad how to high kick. The girls sit around with stunned looks on their faces as she kicks her dress up past her panties again and launches off such one-liners as: “We’re going to fall in love and give each other nice Christmas presents!” and “I have so many moves I can teach you! I’m bendy!” She may be my favorite for pure entertainment value at this point.

So what did YOU think of the premiere? Did it live up to the hype? Who are your frontrunners? Let us know below. Also, don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook to get more updates and chat.

Until next week, keep your fangs in your mouth and don’t let those boobs block ya!

Let's Meet the Girls!

ABC has posted bios of all the women vying for Brad's affections on this season's Bachelor. As usual, instead of making you parse through them all, I have done the dirty work for you so you're in the know before tonight's premiere.

So here's how it's shaping up:

There are 30 women who start off the show tonight. 30! Is that a record? I'm not sure, but it's a lot of people to keep straight. So, of course, ABC has to make sure that each stands out in her own way.

California is the most-represented home state of the women. Four come from the Golden State. Washington and Florida tie for second with three each. Two come from Texas and two come from Colorado. The rest are scattered all over the country,

As always, the jobs run the gamut as well from white collar (Cristy is an attorney, Ashley H. is  a dentist, and Sarah P. is a real estate agent) to more service-oriented jobs (Melissa is a waitress, Michelle is a hairstylist, Stacey is a bartender, and Rebecca is an esthetician) to jobs that sound like ones the show made up to cover the fact that the girls were found through LA modeling agencies (Kimberley and Lisa M. are both "marketing coordinators" -- whatever THAT means and Jill and Lisa P. are both "sales directors" -- which could mean they lead the sales departments at high-end Fortune 500 companies or they change the signs at Wal-mart for when sale prices go into effect. In typical fashion, the producers leave this all a bit nebulous for us.)

Two of the hopefuls for Brad's affections are school teachers. Lauren teaches high school and Lindsay teaches first grade. Although I have a feeling that after all the dirty laundry airs on this show, neither lady is going to have much of a job to come back to (Paging Ashley Miss "dress-up in a too-tight flight attendant's uniform to turn on Jake". Your homeroom is calling...)

Some of the women actually have pretty interesting-sounding jobs. Marissa is a sports publicist and Keltie is a Rockette. Britt is a food writer, although it's not specified whether she writes for Food and Wine Magazine or does a blog about the joys of deep-frying Oreos and ice cream. Emily is a children's hospital event planner which rockets her up to the top of the "do-gooder" list.

On the creative side, Jackie's job is listed as "artist" and Sarah L. is a musical theater performer.

I already respect Madison because her job just tells it like it is -- "model". It's widely known that most of these girls are cast through modeling agencies in LA. Their home states are put into their bios so it seems like there is a diversity, but there really isn't much. I'm sure a few of these girls are "real" and are what the show says they are. But I'm guessing most of them live in the LA area and are all trying to break into show business or cash in on their looks in some way.

As usual, the producers have to also throw in some girls who have totally random, off-the-wall jobs because otherwise they would never be remembered. Raichel's job is listed as "manscaper" on the official web site, so you just KNOW that we're going to get a really painful waxing scene where Brad is going to yell out, "Kelly Clarkson!" in agony as she peels his nether regions. Shawntel is a funeral director from Chico, California, so I'm guessing they are either going to cast her as the weird, anti-social girl who wears white make-up and sleeps a lot during the day, or else show her as a sunny, bubbly personality who loves life (SHOCK! You mean a funeral director can be pretty, smart, and have a sunny Mary Poppins disposition?)

There is also the usual group of girls who don't know how to spell their own names. This season we get Britnee, Raichel, Shawntel, and some girl who is only listed as the letter "J". 'Nuff said about that...

One interesting side note: You can tell the producers cast this show thinking Chris from Ali's season would say yes to being the new Bachelor. Remember him? He was the sad-sack guy who had quit his career to move back to Massachusetts to take care of his dying mother? He was likable, but always seemed to have a dark cloud over his head. The producers apparently offered the spot to him, but he declined. One of the women on this show is from Massachusetts like he is, and her mom just died too after she left her career to go care for her. Isn't that the perfect match since Chris has the same story? Alas, it was not meant to be.

It's interesting to note that Brad is 38 years old, but the oldest woman there is 32. Almost all of the women are in their mid-20's. the youngest is 24. So either Brad likes 'em younger, or the show knows that young, hot chicks make this show what it is and will help the poor husbands and boyfriends who are forced to watch this show by their wives and girlfriends justify their viewing habits as well. My guess is that it's a bit of both.

So there you have it. Who stands out to you? Any front-runner favorites? Let us know!

P.S. I just found this. If you want even more "depth" (and I use that word loosely with this show), click here for a hilarious breakdown of the numbers as reported in the bios. Lovin' it!