2009 Top Ten Reality TV Moments

2009 was a banner year for reality TV. The usual cast of Hollywood wannabes, clued-out train wrecks, and bleach-toothed bimbos (both male AND female) paraded across our screens for all America to see. And while some reality shows offered up delicious culinary masterpieces or haute couture on a dime, others forced us to watch Republicans ballroom dance and people having panic attacks about waterslides.

Yes, reality TV entertained this year. We cheered the heroes, we booed the villains (sorry Survivor – I had to steal the metaphor from your next season), we yelled, “What are you THINKING?!” more than a few times, and we sat back satisfied with the fact that at least WE weren’t so dumb as to have OUR personal lives displayed for all the world to see.

And so to get my new reality TV blog started, I decided to come up with my Top 10 Reality Moments for 2009. These aren’t the “best” or “worst” moments. I leave those judgments up to you. They are the ten moments, though, that made reality TV the most memorable for me this year.

A caveat before I begin my list: I don’t pretend to watch every reality show. Everyone tells me I would love So You Think You Can Dance?, but I’ve never seen an episode. I only catch America’s Next Top Model when I’m sick at home and there happens to be a marathon of it on MTV or VH1. I used to be a huge Big Brother fan, but I can’t stand that show anymore. I’m sure all of you reality fans can think of plenty more moments that capture the year. Leave some comments and let me know what you’d add to the list. Who knows? You might get me to start watching something new!

And now onward…

10. Donny Osmond Kisses a Guy and Wins Dancing with the Stars

From his pandering to the gay community by pretending to make out with gay judge Bruno Tonioli, to his over-exaggerated facial expressions and reactions, to his faux surprise at how much people liked him, Donny Osmond had phony written all over him from Day One. Did he think that fake lip-lock would make me forget that he tithes his money to the Mormon Church that pumped all of that money into passing Prop 8? I didn’t.

He is undeniably charming and talented. I don’t begrudge him any of that. But it always seems like the less deserving person wins this show. Mya was better technically and a more consistent ballroom dancer compared to Donny, but I think it came down to demographics. The show is geared towards middle and later-aged women, and those people vote for Donny, not for Mya. America likes homespun, charismatic, and squeaky clean, not sexy and exotic. It’s why the gymnast won last season and the sexy French guy with the amazing body didn’t. I guess that’s what I get for watching a show where America gets to decide the winner.

9. The Harlem Globetrotters Can’t Anagram a Five-Letter Word on The Amazing Race

It was fun watching a pair of Harlem Globetrotters vie for the million dollars on The Amazing Race, but things turned ugly when they were asked to actually use their brains. In a Detour where one of them had to take five random letters and anagram them to form the name “Franz”, he couldn’t do it.

This might be understandable under normal circumstances, but the fact that he was standing in the Kafka Museum (Kafka’s first name was Franz) and that he even knew that the first letter was an “F” didn’t deter Big Easy from drawing a complete blank. He struggled and puzzled and I found myself yelling, “Franz! It’s Franz!” at the screen every time he’d turn in a new answer like “FZANR” or “FARZN”.

Due to his inability to see answers right in front of his face, Big Easy ended up having to quit that particular challenge and took a four-hour penalty – something that ultimately cost the Globetrotters the game that episode.

8. Wes Admits He has a Girlfriend Back Home and That He’s Only on the Show to Gain Exposure for His Music Career on The Bachelorette

We all know that 99.9% of reality show contestants are in it because they think that being on a show will make them stars. We also know that 99.9% of reality show contestants are never heard from again once they are evicted, voted out, dumped, etc.

On The Bachelorette, we watched incredulously as Jill kept Wes around each week. Wes was cast as the “bad cowboy” type – disheveled hair, stubble, sexy eyes and Southern accent, and a nice singing voice. We saw that he was two-timing Jill, that he admitted to having a girlfriend back home, and that he wasn’t taking the show seriously (is that an oxymoron?) So we screamed back at Jill each week she decided to keep him around since we knew it would only lead to bad news.

Finally, near the end of the season, Jill confronted him about the girlfriend rumors. He kept his cool at first, but then slipped up and “accidentally” said something about being involved currently. Jill was crushed and dumped him. On his car ride interview, he grinned into the camera and said something to the effect that he is the first contestant on The Bachelorette to have made it this far by faking being interested in the woman. He only did it so he could get more national exposure to his music. We weren’t really surprised when he revealed his deception, just as we weren’t surprised that we haven’t heard from him since. What’s memorable about this is his frankness. No one I know of has ever said outright that they were on a show for the exposure, not for the prize.

7. Project Runway is Back!

Some of the best news this past year was that Project Runway was finally returning to television. After being the victim of a lawsuit between Lifetime and Bravo, things finally got settled and it was allowed to come back on the air, this year on Lifetime. In the weeks before the premiere, we waited with baited breath to see if the producers would change anything about the show’s format and hosts or keep things status quo.

We breathed a collective sigh of relief when we saw that nothing much had changed. Yes, there seemed to be a few more commercials. But other than that, things seemed pretty much the same. Heidi still strode out to the runway and chirped her, “Hello!” to the contestants in that “I’m a hot supermodel who knows something you don’t know!” way. Tim Gunn still thanked Mood Fabrics. Designers created some pretty funky and ugly things (Can you say egg dress? What was that guy thinking?) Celebrities still judged. And the finalists still showed at Bryant Park.

I personally was rooting for Carol Hannah to win, but the three best designers ended up at Bryant Park, so I would have been satisfied no matter what the outcome was. I was just happy that Project Runway was back!

6. Kim Zolciak sings Tardy for the Party on The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Ahhh…Kim. Probably my favorite train wreck on reality TV this year. How can you not love someone who has a huge, naked, Playboy-style photo of herself on her bedroom wall for her young daughters (and us) to see?

For all four of you who actually watch this show, you know that when I say Kim sings I really mean she ditches the friend who was supposed to sing with her, then has a hissy fit about being forced to sing when she was the one who asked to sing in the first place, then half speaks/half croaks a few words into a microphone, then has her friend process the voice so much that it’s unrecognizable in the end as anything remotely connected to her. There is no denying that Kim’s talent lies in selecting the right producer who had great equipment to mask her horrendous voice. Anyone who watched her sing live on the reunion show can attest to that.

And by the way…you may think the title Tardy for the Party is a joke, verging on moronic, and you might be right. But the joke is on you. This single was at the top of the iTunes dance charts for a good part of the summer, edging out major acts like Lady Gaga and The Black Eyed Peas. Put THAT in your wig and yank it!

5. Adam Lambert Loses American Idol to Kris Allen

In yet another example of how America gets it all wrong, glam-rocker Adam Lambert came in second to homespun, squeaky-clean Kris Allen. Some claimed that Adam’s sexuality was to blame for his loss, that America can’t handle an out, gay American Idol. Others claimed that Adam is too one-note and screechy. Some reasoned that sure he can belt out a tune by Queen and make us believe it, but many of the other song renditions that people thought were original actually were ones already done by other artists (e.g. Ring of Fire). Yet others thought that Kris’s sensitive, clean image made him more appealing to the demographic that is more apt to vote for the next Idol.

Whatever the reasons, Adam lost. And what was the outcome? He’s gotten more press than Kris Allen, AND he got to kiss a guy on national TV during the American Music Awards-- something that was so racy for ABC censors that we folks out here on the West Coast had to watch it the next day on YouTube since it was cut from the show that aired in our time zone. Oh, AND Good Morning America has canceled on him twice since the on-screen kiss. You can’t buy publicity like that. Adam will be just fine, but he should have won the whole he-bang…oops…she-bang (I’m gay…I can make jokes like that and it’s OK.)

4. Robby Gets Dumped by Jill, Kicked off a Train, and Abandoned in the Canadian Rockies on The Bachelorette

It was pretty much a foregone conclusion that Bachelorette Jillian and bartender Robby weren’t going to be making a love connection. He was much younger than she was and his age showed as he nervously tried chatting with her and mixing drinks for her on a moving train. As they chatted with each other, the awkwardness was palpable. He said something about how having a job wasn’t all that important and we could see Jill’s eyes go wide. He tried to show us his Tom Cruise moves by shaking drinks. None of it was workin’.

But nothing could have prepared us for what would happen next. As they chatted on a couch, the train inexplicably began to slow down. The look of concern in Robby’s eyes was priceless. “Why are we slowing down here in the middle of the Canadian nowhere?” his nervous smile seemed to be asking. Jill just sat there and smiled her usual vapid smile. Little did he know what was in store.

Jillian told him that he was not getting a rose and also informed him that the train was stopping to let him off. Not only was he getting dumped, but he was getting dumped off right where the train stopped. No questions asked. Get your suitcase and get off the train…NOW! We watched with mouths agape as he disembarked and the train rolled away leaving him behind, sad suitcase sitting next to him in the snow. We were led to believe that he really was abandoned there, but footage on the Internet afterwards showed that the train was really only a few hundred feet from the next station, so don’t feel TOO bad for ol’ Robby.

My favorite part of this scene happened when Robby was being interviewed after the train had left. He’s shivering out in the snow and says sadly, “I’m very bummed out that I got kicked out of a train right now.” I think that says it all very nicely, don’t you?

3. Russell Comes in Second to Natalie on Survivor: Samoa

You either hate the guy because he’s mean, sneaky, sexist, and a liar or you praise him for his cunning, his astute manipulation of people in a tough game, and his way of meeting Survivor’s challenge to outwit, outplay, and outlast the competition. Either way, the look on Russell’s face when he found out he lost to Natalie was priceless. And that expression wasn’t just at the moment he got the bad news. It continued through the entire reunion episode. It was a mixture of, “I am going to tear the head off of every juror who didn’t vote for me!” added to, “I want to cry right now, but I’m the tough-guy character who’s not supposed to care, so I won’t!” rolled into, “What the hell just happened here?”

If you were cheering for him, you almost felt kind of bad for him. If you were rooting against him, you did a little dance in your recliner and chalked another win up for the good guys.

People will debate for weeks about whether someone like Russell who plays such a dirty game should win and whether someone who (by her own admission) did almost nothing strategic except sit back and not be aggressive should not. Some say the lying and manipulation is all part of the game. “It’s just game!” they say. “It’s not real life!” Others feel that certain comments and actions cross a line. Whether it’s “real” or not, these people believe, those behaviors and attitudes that aren’t acceptable in the real world should never be rewarded in the reality TV world. You all can choose your own side (and most likely already have). Either way you slice it, Russell lost. And those who hated him with a white-hot passion finally got their vengeance after a long season of The Evil Russell Show.

2. Padma’s New Look on Top Chef

Top Chef moved to Las Vegas this season. And sure there were some amazing dishes, some memorable personalities, and some great conflicts. But, really the part we will remember the most is when Padma stepped off the Wine Train in the Napa Valley and was not only really pregnant, but also sporting bangs! Bangs! This was such a major turn of events that it prompted my straight brother to update his Facebook status to: “When did Padma get bangs?” It made me turn to DJ and ask, “Are those bangs? Does she have bangs now?” even though I could plainly see that they were indeed bangs and that she was indeed wearing them now.

Her baby belly was also quite prominently displayed which kind of threw off her whole mojo. Padma is famous for giving chefs their next challenges with grace and elegance and for leaning into tasting her food to really savor the experience. But it’s kind of hard to have someone serve you in a cramped train car when your water is about to break at any moment. Don’t get me wrong. Pregnant is beautiful, and Padma looked positively radiant. But Top Chef counts on Padma for that slinky, sex appeal factor, and when she stepped off that train all those bets were off.

1. Jason Dumps Melissa and Then Asks Molly if She’ll Take Him Back on The Bachelor

Melissa was the sweet, All-American girl on Jason’s season of The Bachelor. It was pretty obvious from the start that she would at least make it to the Final 2. Astute viewers also noticed that during the season premiere they showed previews of the whole season, one of which showed Jason getting down on one knee and proposing to a woman who was wearing a certain kind of ring – the same kind Melissa wore throughout the entire series. This seemed like too major of a thing to have slipped past the producers, so we knew we were in for an interesting finale. And boy did it not disappoint.

On the final episode, Jason chooses Melissa over Molly and proposes to her. Then, during the “After the Rose” special, the host Chris Harrison brings out Jason and we find out that the spark between him and Melissa has faded and that he’s there to dump her. Cut to audience reaction shots of horror and disgust. He also tells us that the spark he felt for Molly has reignited, and that he wants to ask her for another chance. Cut to audience reaction shots of horror and disgust mixed with unbridled happiness that we have some real potential for fireworks on this show.

We watch the whole, sad affair play out as Melissa gets her bad news and reacts as anyone would in her situation – angry, holding back tears, and hurt. We see Molly’s surprised smile when she realizes she has another shot with Jason. We see Jason sitting there like a little boy alternately pretending to look sad when he’s with Melissa and smirking at how he ended up getting what he really wanted in the end with Molly. It made for a fascinating hour of television even if a lot of it WAS staged. And the last we heard, Jason and Molly are still engaged. Melissa went on to the finale of Dancing with the Stars and a stint as a guest host on Good Morning America. She also ended up engaged to a guy named Ty – the same name as Jason’s son. So it all comes full circle and they all live happily ever after.

So that’s my Top 10. Obviously it’s slanted towards the shows I know and love the best. What’s your take? Keep the conversation respectful and let’s hear your opinions too.