Castles, Sunset Meals and the Jake vs. Vienna Showdown!

Thanks for hanging in there during the delay. The long holiday weekend threw off my mojo, but I’m finally back in the saddle. I guess I picked a good week to be late, though. What was up with this episode? They edited down the dates a LOT to make room for the Jake and Vienna interview at the end. I had thought their interview was going to be 5-10 minutes max, but it ended up taking an entire half hour. And although it was juicy (more on that later!) the actual dates suffered. So much was cut out!

Onward…

Welcome to Portugal, or “Didn’t Ali Say Last Week We Were Going to See Lesbians?”

The guys are on their way to Portugal and we get one of them shouting, “On the way to Portugal, baby!” in the airport like I’m guessing Vasco da Gama did as he returned to his home country after finding a trade route to India. Such class these boys have. They arrive and immediately start looking around for lesbians, but then get hit with the sad reality that Ali actually said they were going to “Lisbon”. They make mental notes to themselves to pay more attention to what girls are actually saying.

Did you notice we didn’t get a fun animated map this week to show us how they flew from Turkey to Portugal? Jake and Vienna ruin all of the fun!

They meet Chris Harrison out in a sunny square in Lisbon, Portugal. This assembly was far different from that bitterly frozen square in Iceland where they all recited bad poetry to Ali. Chris tells them that there will be four dates this week – three 1-on-1 dates and one 2-on-1 date. The guys all pull faces and look knowingly at one another like, “Dude…sucks to be you not getting that 1-on-1 date.” Chris also tells the guys that there will be no roses given out on any of the dates this time, which is good news for the guys, but bad news for us. Watching the third wheel get dumped (or abandoned on a glacier) is one of the best parts of this show, but, alas, we’ll have to wait for that until next season.

We get a lot of gorgeous shots of Portugal. I’ve never been, but this episode makes me want to go there. So colorful and such interesting architecture! I had no idea.

The guys settle in to their deluxe apartment in the sky and Ty finds the first Date Card. It’s for Roberto, and it says: “Come be the king of my castle.”

The guys think the date sounds like a romantic fairytale. Immediately we get sound bites of all of them sniping at each other behind the others’ backs. Kirk thinks he’s more compatible with Ali than Roberto is. Chris L. would rather be Ali’s king than have Roberto take that job. For his part, Frank asks Roberto, “What if she just throws you into the dungeon?” Har har, Frank. You’re a screenwriter and THAT’S the best you could come up with?

The First 1-on-1 Date, or “Guys, Can You Get a Room, Please?”

Ali arrives at the guys’ room to pick up Roberto for their date. She says, “Welcome to Portugal!” to the guys in Portuguese, and I cringe as the producers yet again want us to believe that Ali is worldly enough to have known how to say this before they fed the line to her. I don’t speak Portuguese, but I’m guessing her pronunciation was as great as the way she has been pronouncing Roberto’s name this whole season.

My fashion radar goes off as I see what she’s wearing. So sad, Ali. Sparkly rainbow-beaded, ill-fitting mini skirt…check. Green tank top that’s too tight in the belly and accentuates the weight that you said you gained during this “journey”…check. Where are the Queer Eye guys when you need them? Total miss.

Ali and Roberto start their date by taking lots of goofy pictures around Lisbon. They ham it up with serious-looking guards who aren’t supposed to talk to them, old statues, around columns. You know…the kinds of shots you took when you were 12, right? In one montage we see them trying to take pictures of each other jumping in midair. Ali captures Roberto perfectly, but in an excellent metaphor for their future sex life Roberto keeps pushing the button too early or too late to make Ali freeze. Either the top of her head is cut off or she’s already landed on the ground. Discuss…

Next they hear music as they walk down the street and Roberto spontaneously grabs Ali and starts to slow dance with her in the middle of the street. “He is SUCH a romantic and it’s SO sexy!” Ali gushes while we see people on the sidewalk staring at them like, “Who the hell are THESE yahoos? And why are they blocking my street?”

They kiss a LOT, which will be a theme throughout this whole date. These two definitely have some physical chemistry going on for sure.

Next they hop on a street car that, for some reason, is totally empty except for them, and we get lots of shots of them cruising by what I assume are famous landmarks around the city. The only information Tour Guide Ali offers at one point is when she announces, “This is the part of the city where you have to kiss me!” and Roberto is more than happy to oblige. We get more making out and more making out and then…oh wait…uh huh..more making out. This is getting gross now.

(Back at the room, the next Date Card is delivered. It’s for the 2-on-1 date, and it’s for Frank and Ty since the producers know Frank is dangling perilously close to “Let’s just get this out in the open right now. I am your stalker. You are mine. No others may have you” right now and it will be fun to watch him squirm in this awkward situation. “Let’s find our future in your past,” the card says and Frank and Ty both make serious expressions and rub their faces a lot. Frank considers Ty to be his biggest competition. I can’t stop staring at Ty’s arms. Did they just double in size since the Turkish bath scenes? Wow…)

Now Roberto and Ali are walking around a castle, another theme of the evening. All of the dates occur in castles. Apparently when you go to Portugal, that’s what you do – tour castles. Another theme tonight? Picnics at sunset.

The two plunk themselves down on the top of the castle and eat as they watch the sun set. In yet another look into the future for Ali and Roberto’s sex life, Ali cuts off a piece of sausage, puts it on a raggedy-looking hunk of bread and tells Roberto, “That’s probably the only thing I’ll ever make!” Apparently Ali’s not the cooking type, if you know what I mean. The Lorena Bobbitt reference is totally lost on Roberto.

Roberto says he’s not nervous for the hometown dates…he’s excited. Then they make out some more. Ali says she needs to figure him out and that there’s no way he could be this nice, and then they make out some more. Roberto says he tries to keep things simple, and then they make out some more. Ali swoons with her chin resting on her hand, says, “You amaze me!”, and then they make out some more. Roberto answers back, “I feel lucky when you say things like that. You’re beautiful and you’re smart!” and then they make out a LOT more.

As we leave the happy couple on top of the castle eating raggedy bread at sunset, we get a voiceover of Ali saying, “I thought he was too good to be true…(Now) I’m realizing he could be the one for me!” They finally fade out to the commercial, and it’s none too soon for me. I put the DVR on pause and hop into the shower to rinse off that whole disgusting 15-minute make-out fest we were just subjected to. I mean really, guys. I’m all for romance on the top of a castle, but those tongue baths were just plain disgusting.

The 2-on-1 Date, or “I’m Strong to the Finish Cuz I Eats Me Spinach”

We come back to the show and see Ali standing next to another helicopter. Yet another tired theme this season. The producers have completely dumped the storyline about Ali being scared of any part of this situation. She stands there confidently as Frank and Ty’s van pulls up. Of course, Frank comes tearing out first like the stalking maniac he is and throws himself into her arms to make sure he makes the first impression. Ty is wearing a kinda gross country western singer cowboy-style shirt with stuff appliquéd all over it. I’m anti-anything that covers up his arms and shoulders, so I hate it…a lot.

Ali sits awkwardly between the two guys as they fly around Portugal and see it all from the air. We get a creepy shot of Frank running the tips of his fingers down the side of Ali’s arm so Ty can’t see. He tells us he can’t do the stuff he really wants to do since Ty is there too. So gross, Frank. Down boy. Ty says he’s “pissed off” that he has to share Ali today and says it will be weird, but “…(I) gotta make the best of it!” Always there with your sunny bumpkin attitude, aren’t you, Ty?

There is one shot where we see their helicopter navigate itself through lots of very tall wind turbines on the side of a mountain. With the camera angle, it looks like certain death is imminent, but we can rest easy as we see them come out unscathed on the other side. As I said in an earlier posting, I think it would be very creative one year to have something really go horribly wrong on one of these “adventure” dates. “And the helicopter crashed into the turbine, killing all aboard.” Cut to a shot of a shredded rose dying. And…fade to black.

They land near a castle and Tour Guide Ali announces to them both, “Welcome to Oviedos!” She tells them that this castle was a gift from a king to his queen named Isabella. They hike up a big hill (since I’m guessing that when they built this castle centuries ago they didn’t factor in space for a helipad). As they hike, Ty suddenly stops and touches Frank’s arm. “Look!” he whispers, and points down the hillside to a deer. I think it’s funny that Ty decided to stop and touch Frank and not run up to stop and touch Ali instead. Man Code, dude.

I was so bummed by this part of the show because in the previews for this week (before Jake and Vienna hogged all of the spotlight) we saw a scene where Ali, Frank, and Ty are sitting out on some sort of patio sipping wine and having the longest, most awkward silences ever recorded for television. Go look on my “After the Rose” page for the clip. It’s hilarious and so cringe-worthy, you’ll most likely want to turn it off before it’s done.

But since Jakey Boy needed all of the time this week, the producers cut that scene out and instead fast-forward to the trio sitting down to dinner at sunset. Right off the bat, we see something is wrong with Ali. She’s out of sorts and the guys ask her about what’s up. She keeps saying that she’s “in a weird place” and neither guy gets that she’s most likely PMS’ing right now, so back off. This scene has its share of awkward pauses and uncomfortable glances to the floor, so all is not lost.

Ali says she has lots of questions for them both, but can’t ask them in front of the other guy. We know how bad the date must be going when we see that the three of them are actually eating the food in front of them. This almost never happens, and it is a testament to the overwhelming sense of unease and general “Is it over yet?” that infuses this entire scene. All they discuss is how bad and awkward this date is, which just adds to everyone’s misery.

Ali finally decides to pull Ty aside for some alone time, and he says the most bizarre line of this entire episode. As he gets up from the table he turns to Frank and says, “Stay away from my spinach!” Huh? What was up with that? Is he accusing Frank of trying to poison his food? Do all the guys know that Frank can’t control himself around Portuguese spinach? Is he worried Frank will turn into Popeye? What gives here? Very odd thing to say, indeed.

Ty and Ali go sit on a stone staircase and follow up with their discussion from last time about gender roles, tradition, and how both may have contributed to Ty’s divorce. At one point in this scene, someone walks between their lighting and their faces and casts a huge shadow over the whole scene and I feel sorry for that person because you just know they got their butt fired in Portugal. Try explaining THAT one to the next reality show you apply to, huh?

Ty hopes Ali can meet his family, but she wants to know what his family, and in particular his mom, would think about her. Ty answers back with a lame, “If I’m satisfied, they’re gonna be satisfied.” Which is a total lie since Ty’s mom most likely wants Ali barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen like she apparently was. Then he tells Ali that he’s fine with her having a career. “I want someone who wants something…I think it’s awesome that you have ambitions…It tickles me to death that you have a plan…that you know what you want…” which is pretty sad that Ty thinks having ambitions is something you need to compliment someone on. Speaks volumes about the caliber of ladies in HIS life, huh? It’s also pretty sad that he uses the phrase “tickled to death”. Since when is Ali dating my great-aunt Penelope?

After they talk, Ty says he feels “ten times better” about his relationship with Ali now, but we know the writing is on the wall because they have not kissed once this entire time. “She really understood what I was talking about,” he tells us, but we know that all she really understood is that Ty likes his ladies barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen no matter how much he tries to dance around that.

(Back at the hotel, the Date Card arrives for the next 1-on-1 date. It’s for Kirk and it says, “Once upon a time…Ali” In his typical style, Kirk notices that the card isn’t even written in a complete sentence. Poor Kirk. Ali couldn’t even be bothered with a subject and a predicate for him. Chris L. tells us that he thinks Kirk is not the right guy for Ali, and then tells Kirk to his face, “Well, Cinderella, we need to get you ready for the ball!” Ah…the two-facedness of the characters on this show. Gotta love it!

Now Ali is back for her alone time with Frank. Presumably Ty is back at the dinner table eating the coveted spinach leaves from heaven.

Frank and Ali are sitting under a big, up-lit tree that doesn’t seem to have any leaves on it. He says he’s very close to his family, and the double entendre isn’t lost on us since we know he lives in their basement, but Ali doesn’t. He tells her that when she visits his family (“…and you’d BETTER come to my house!” he warns) that she will feel like part of the family. They give each other a close-mouthed kiss, but definitely not the spitty, swirly, tongue bath Roberto was giving her earlier.

We tense with anticipation as Frank tells us that the time is now ripe for him to share his news with Ali. He’s going to finally tell her that he lives at home with his folks. And if she has a problem with it, “…that would be bad for us…” he says. Um, yeah, Frank. REALLY bad.

In one of the funnier montages of the evening, Frank tells Ali there’s something he needs to say to her. The look of joy and glee in her eyes turns a little darker. Then it gets downright gloomy as Frank takes a long, circuitous path to telling her he lives at home with his folks. By the time he is done spinning his tales of living in Europe, selling his condo, and moving back home, Ali’s eyes have sunk in on themselves.

She masks it well, though, and gives Frank a sympathetic, “Awwww….” and a kiss. He puts his hand up to her face, and there’s the dreaded thumb ring again. C’mon, Frank. Once was enough. You can’t let your digits define your style!

Frank feels so much better after letting out his secret shame. “When I told Ali that I live at home with my parents the look in her eye…she doesn’t care…” Um, Frank, that look was desperation, disappointment, incredulity, and anger at being misled. She kissed you cuz she feels sorry for you, not because she accepts you. The whole viewing audience saw that. Why couldn’t you?

Next we see a shot of them actually up in the tree that they were sitting under before.  Frank asks Ali, “Would you live in a tree with me? Let’s live in a tree!” and Ali is bummed because she thought she already dumped the Mountain Man guy in the first episode. Then they kiss some more, this time more passionately.

Then suddenly and ominously Ali tells Frank, “You’re everything that I said I wanted, but everything I fear,” which of course perks up Frank’s ears a bit. In perfect “I know you are, but what am I?”-form, Frank answers back that whatever fears she has about him he probably has about her too.

They finish the date with Ali telling us, “I don’t care where Frank lives…” except they probably edited out the part where she finished that sentence with, “…unless it’s in his parents’ basement.” Things aren’t looking so good for Frank right now.

The Second 1-on-1 Date, or “Kirk’s Cold Castle Caper”

Ali starts off her date with Kirk by announcing that she is yet again a little pre-occupied today. Poor Kirk. The day hasn’t even started yet and already Ali is Debbie Downer.

They meet outdoors and hug as some random local woman in sunglasses stares at them from behind. “My heart beats a little faster when I’m with her!” Kirk enthuses.

They go to an outdoor café and sip beer out of tall, thin glasses. Kirk says he’s a little nervous, but in a good way. Kirk is definitely the twitchiest of the guys left. He seems nervous all the time and says “like” almost every other word. Ali keeps telling us that it’s an important week for her, but she doesn’t know what’s wrong with herself. She has SO MUCH on her mind.

As they chat, a horse and carriage pulls up next to them. “I think this is our ride!” Ali chirps and they get in, this time armed with glasses of white wine to sip during the ride. We get lots of aerial shots of the two of them wheeling around the city. “Ali makes me want to be right next to her cuddled up, “ Kirk says. “It feels good to be with Ali. I’m in such a good place right now for me, like, for this…It puts my entire life into perspective.” Poor Kirk. He’s one of those characters on this show who is falling in love with the idea of falling in love, but has no concept of what he’s talking about. Battling a serious illness and winning like he did? THAT’S something that puts your life into perspective, I would imagine. Riding in a carriage with a girl who is dating four other guys? Not so much.

They come around a corner and a gorgeous, colorful castle is revealed to them. “That’s insane!” Ali yells, much like Isabella did to Ferdinand back in the day.

It truly is a beautiful building with (sorry to use this word) amazing views. They walk around a bit so we can see all of the architecture, and then Kirk makes us feel even more sorry for him when he says, “I’m not used to this. I’m not used to being with someone like you.” This is the same line Ali keeps spouting to Roberto, and what it basically translates to is, “I know you wouldn’t give me a second look in the outside world, so I’m going to just enjoy any scintilla of attention you give me right now so that no other relationship can ever come close to this moment and my entire dating life from here on forward will be forever ruined.”

Kirk can sense that Ali has a lot on her mind. “I feel like her mind’s wandering a little bit,” he tells us. Ali pushes the point home big time when she lets out a huge, forlorn sigh from out of nowhere. Now we’re REALLY feeling sorry for ol’ Kirk. Why does he have to deal with moping Ali? In keeping with tonight’s theme, we start to see the sun set around them, and we know a picnic must not be far off.

Next we see them standing and leaning on a wall, a bit windblown, Ali with a blanket wrapped around her. Kirk tells her that he hasn’t brought home a girl to meet his folks in three years. “It’s a big step for me…” he tells her. Ali is still looking forlornly at the ground and not really responding to much Kirk says. What’s her deal tonight?

Kirk thinks she’s nervous, but she just tells him that she has a lot on her mind. “Obviously, my date with Kirk isn’t going as well as I thought it would,” Ali tells us. She knows that the guys are seeing her stress and worry. “It’s hard to make sense of it all,” she says. Poor Ali. So lost, confused, and adrift on a castle next to a guy who would lick the wax behind your ears off for you if you’d let him.

Now it’s nighttime and Ali says she has planned for the two of them to eat dinner on top of the castle together. Because that’s how Ali rolls on this show. What she wants, she makes happen, and it has nothing to do with the producers and their flunkies setting it all up in advance. However it got set up, there are candles and twinkly lights and up-lit walls in the background. All signature marks of the Bachelorette.

I notice right off the bat that they have changed clothes. So apparently old Portuguese castles don’t have helipads, but do have changing rooms. Making a mental note of that right now. Ali starts off the dinner conversation by apologizing to Kirk: “Thank you for bearing with me today.” Kirk, like, answers, like, back that, like, he was, like, worried, that like, she was, like, holding back. Then Ali lays it out on the table and asks him, “Do you feel that you’ll start feeling the way you did in your past relationships? I worry that I won’t be good enough for you one day.”

Kirk answers that he’s not falling for the idea of her or the concept of love. He genuinely cares about her. Then he finally wises up and talks about how being so ill put his life into perspective. There y’go, Kirk. I knew you could, like, do it! He feels like he is now deserving of love and happiness and this whole experience with her. She leans in and kisses him and then they kiss some more.

“I feel like I’m on the right track!” Ali tells us. A smooch from Kirk is all it takes, huh Ali?

(Back at the hotel room, the final Date Card is delivered for Chris L’s 1-on-1 date. “Love gets better with age!” the card says, and one of the other guys points out that Chris is the oldest guy there. Woah, dude! Low blow! We find out that Chris’s date with Ali is the same day as the next Rose Ceremony, which could be good or bad. For his part, Ty leans back with his strong, thick trunks of arms behind his head and tells Chris, “Maybe something happens and you don’t come back. I’ll write you, though.” Such a hot-armed charmer, that Ty.)

Back on her date with Kirk, Ali has now led him out to what looks like a plaza with some stairs coming down. On the stairs two men are playing traditional Portuguese fado music with an older woman next to them singing mournfully. Doesn’t get much more symbolic than that, Kirk, right? Can you say “writing is on the wall for your and Ali’s time together?” According to the teaser on my Comcast, this is a famous group of musicians who I, yet again, have never heard of before.

They kiss some more while the musicians play, and Ali says, “The emotional connection we have is so rare,” and I’m wondering how she pulled that line out of her butt. She hasn’t emotionally connected with any guy on tonight’s episode, much less poor Kirk. As the date fades out, I notice that Kirk is wearing a canary yellow shirt, so maybe all is not lost for our boy from Wisconsin.

The Final 1-on-1 Date of the Night, or “Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow”

We come back from commercial and see shots of the beautiful coastline of Portugal. Apparently, Ali and Chris L. are headed somewhere beachy. Ali tells us she’s nervous about Chris because she’s “…been dating him as a friend, but we’re not getting to the relationship level as fast as (I’d) like. I just can’t see myself visiting his family if he can’t open up and move forward.” I guess it’s a good thing that Ali is laying it all out on the line like that, but I feel bad for Chris, who’s all gung-ho about today’s date: “I’m going on a date with Ali! As long as it doesn’t involve oil wrestling or that stupid horse in Iceland who I hate, then I’m good.” Line of the night, hands down. Who knew that Debbie Downer could have sucked so much of the life out of Kirk, that he would have to give up his title of “Line of the Night” to Chris?

Ali shows him that they will be riding on a scooter for today’s date and Chris is a bit apprehensive since he’s never been on one before. Of course the producers start up the music that makes it seem like Chris is a bumbling idiot as they strap on their helmets and take off. “I can’t be the dude that kills the bachelorette. That’s not gonna look good!” he tells us. Another Line of the Night from Chris L.!

We see shots of them weaving slowly around the streets and Chris putt-putting them along the road very slowly. “Chris was going pretty slow on the scooter. Sorta like our relationship,” Ali tells us. I’m sure Chris loved hearing this in the playback last night. Ali also says, though, that she gets why Chris is taking life slowly. He just lost his mom, she reminds us, and he’s been through a lot.

Now they stop and it’s Ali’s turn to drive. “We’re not getting anywhere we need to be quite as fast as I’d like to! It’s time I sit in the driver’s seat and take this relationship to the next level!” she yells as they race by. And of course she’s a speed demon whooping it up and racing down the road while Chris holds on for dear life. He says that Ali told him to just lean with her, and he says, “I’m like, ‘Yes dear!’ I just trusted her.”

They sit down to a picnic and he tells us he came into this whole thing more guarded than most of the other guys. He tells Ali that he’s sarcastic with his brothers, and then Ali asks him what his mom was like. He lists off a bunch of very nice qualities and starts to well up a bit. The producers play sad music as he finishes his list with, “People just liked being around her.” Ali responds with, “People like being around YOU!” and we all collectively barf.

At the end of the picnic, Ali says she can feel Chris’s walls coming down, but she’s worried that it’s too little to late. Chris again slowly drives them to their next destination, ducking out of the way of some wisteria that’s growing in the middle of the lane they are traveling.

They go back and forth with sappy stuff to each other, but what this next scene basically boils down to is that Chris finally “opens up” (whatever THAT means), and Ali now all of a sudden feels more connected to him. Chris wants to show her off back at home and gets all wide-eyed talking about it.

Next we get a shot of them holding hands and then a very funny shot of Chris and the back part of his hair is sticking straight up. Doesn’t this show have a hair person to fix that after he whips off his helmet but before they start taping this scene? Poor Chris. Sportin’ the avoidable “hair don’t” on national TV.

At this point in the date, Chris thinks it’s finally time to give Ali a gift that he brought for her. He tells the story of a family friend his dad would go to and have things made for his mom. Chris had a bracelet made for Ali by this guy, and he slips it on her wrist. I know there are such things as tennis bracelets, but I’m pretty sure Chris calls this a “Dennis bracelet” since the guy who made it is named Dennis.

Ali coos and “Awww’s!” over it and Chris mentions about 4000 times that he’s glad it fits. Ali responds with 4000 “I love its!” They cuddle and kiss and Chris tells her, “You make me feel all warm inside. What does that mean?” and we sadly realize that Chris may need a little primer lesson in hormones and sex. Chris, when the girl you like gets all cuddly and romantic and you feel warm inside, it’s not that tough to figure out what’s going on in your mind whether you’re aware of it or not.

They finish the date with Chris pulling down two handfuls of wisteria petals and giving them to Ali to throw in the air for some reason. “The walls finally came down and he opened up to me!” Ali says excitedly, like being given a bracelet made by a guy named Dennis was the answer to her prayers. “Chris would make an amazing husband!”

They roll around on the grass a bunch and make out. “This is a really good day!” Ali says, and we know that Chris is back in her good graces.

The Rose Ceremony, or “Git Along Little Dogie”

We come back to shots of pouring rain. Chris Harrison meets Ali’s limo and escorts her into the building where the Rose Ceremony will take place.

The producers have yet again skipped the pre-ceremony cocktail party, this time in favor of Jake and Vienna. We come back to the guys standing nervously and waiting for Ali. She’s upstairs in a room with their photos and going on and on about something I tuned out, but that I’m sure had to do with making the toughest decision she’s ever had to make.

Chris L. has no tie on again tonight, but I don’t catch a glimpse of his shoes to see if he’s sporting the Nikes again or not. For her part, Ali has on a super cute dress with an interesting horizontal geometric pattern. Something about it is very 70s to me. Finally a good party dress on Ali!

In a very bad purple splotchy tie, Chris Harrison reminds the guys that one of them will be going home tonight, and that the others will be bringing Ali home to meet their families. Um, duh, Chris. I think that point has been brought up on every date so far tonight.

We get faked sounds of thunder in the background as Ali enters the room for her final decision. “This week has been amazing. I’m really glad I got a lot of time with each of you!” she tells them in her vapid way.

The first rose of course goes to Chris L. since he gave her jewelry. The next rose goes to Frank and when she asks him if he will accept it, he again answers with her name: “Of course, Ali.” Creepo. Ty still looks confident.

Roberto scores the next rose, and we all breathe a sigh of relief as the two of them just hug each other. No further showers needed tonight. Ty is looking less cocky now. Kirk looks worried. It’s down to the two of them.

After a dramatic pause, Ali gives the final rose to…Kirk! Ty is out. Ty sucks his lips (a sure sign of defeat on this show) and looks down at the ground. Kirk hugs Ali for too long and makes the whole moment a bit awkward.

Now Ty is nodding his head like he knew this would be the outcome all along. Way to save face, Ty. He hugs Ali and we notice that he has a big, black, ugly thing growing under his thumbnail. Ew.

Ali walks him outside in the rain. He doesn’t want her to follow him out since she’ll get soaked, but she doesn’t care. She gives him her best faux look of concern as she tells him she really does like him but never really tells him why she dumped him. She puts him in the limo and the producers have her stand out in the rain and look forlorn again.

In the back seat interview, Ty tells us that he really thought he was the perfect guy for her and that he was sure he was going to be able to take her home to meet his family. “I’m kinda really lost right now,” he tells the camera. “What do you do from here?” Then he gets angry and says, “I’m pissed off because she made a wrong choice and I hope she realizes that.” At the end of each line, the producers cut back to Ali, still standing alone forlornly in the pouring rain watching Ty being driven away.

They finally call her in, and as she walks back up the stairs to go back inside, I notice that she’s been holding a piece of paper this whole time. What was that? Notes to remind herself about which guy to dump? Lines the producers fed her to say to Ty after the dumping? The paper must not have been THAT important if she stood out in the pouring rain with it, right? But enquiring minds still want to know.

So this week we bid a fond farewell to Tennessee Ty. Hopefully he and Ella from Jake’s season can meet up at Sea World and have a few laughs.

Now that the most boring episode ever is over with, it’s time to get to the main event. After the break, they’ll be back with the highly anticipated interview with Jake and Vienna, and we can’t wait!

Jake and Vienna’s Interview, or “The Main Event”

So the producers have hyped this for the last week. Jake and Vienna just had a very public break-up and rumors and accusations from both sides have been flying. All week long we’ve been building up to this interview, and I have to admit that I was rolling my eyes at it all. Nothing on this show ever lives up to the hype generated about it beforehand. Boy was I wrong! I have to say that this interview MORE than lived up to the hype! Awesome doesn’t even come close to describing it. Let’s dive in to all of the nasty details.

Chris Harrison starts off by telling us how sad everyone at the show feels about this sorry state of affairs when what they are really thinking is, “Ka-ching! Ka-ching!” He says that Jake and Vienna are going to make a “…hopeful attempt to find closure to this failed love affair.”

He brings out Jake, and I immediately notice that Jake has one too many buttons undone on his shirt. Also, why does Jake get alone time with Chris but Vienna doesn’t? That doesn’t seem fair. And while we’re wondering aloud at stuff, where is this being filmed? Is this the mansion the guys lived in this season? Why are they out at the pool? Odd.

Chris lets it drop a few times that he just had dinner with Jake and Vienna a few weeks ago and that they seemed fine. We all feel sad for Chris that he can’t find anyone better to eat dinner with than Jake and Vienna.

Jake says the relationship has been going downhill for quite a long time. He’s in a confused emotional state and can’t even fathom why Vienna would go to the tabloids like she did and blindside him with all of her lies. Boo hoo…poor Jakey Boy.

Chris asks Jake if he’s ready to do this, and then brings out Vienna. The tension is palpable as she hugs Chris, not Jake, and then has to sit down in a little loveseat next to Jake. Her body is tilted away from him, she keeps flicking her hair, and she’s doing that “I have my legs crossed but I’m going to bob the top one up and down nervously” thing going on.

Chris asks her what went wrong and she answers that things were fine the first month (“He was crazy about me!”), but then things started changing. The way Jake was with her out in public was totally different from the way he was with her at home. He was gone a lot and she felt lonely. She wanted him around to talk to and to kiss like in a normal relationship.

Chris challenges her on some lines he read in the tabloids where Vienna claims that Jake subjected her to “mental, emotional, (and) verbal abuse”. She says that Jake has anger issues, but she wouldn’t say he’s dangerous. So far, this interview is pretty lightweight and tame. No specifics yet. But just wait!

Next, Vienna says that there was no emotion between them. She had to ask him to kiss her. He was “…emotionally and physically not there with me.” she says. The thought runs through my mind that maybe Jake is gay after all? That rumor came up way back when he was on Jillian’s season, and what Vienna is saying about him not wanting to be physical certainly seems to back all of that up, huh? Of course it could also be that Vienna is just an all-around unappealing person in almost every way. But then why did Jake choose her in the first place? Who knows?

Chris asks her why she took all of this to the tabloids, and her only response is that if she hadn’t done it, Jake would have done it first. She wanted to make sure she had a voice. Weak argument, Vienna.

Jake responds back that he did try with the relationship. He thought things would be different, but they just kept getting worse and worse. At one point he turns angrily to Vienna and shouts, “I’m so mad at you…disgusted at you! You sold me out to a magazine for payment and then flirted with me all weekend (via text)!” GASP! What?! This is getting good now…

She says she didn’t text him, but he says he has the texts saved to prove it. He says he’ll get to her lying in a minute. She calls him a “fame whore” (isn’t that the name of Lady Gaga’s next album?) and tells him she was at a fundraiser at a hospital as part of her new job. “At least I was pursuing a career in something!” she retorts.

Next they go into the subject of careers. She claims that even though Jake says he’s a pilot, he hasn’t flown in over a year. He responds back with a vacant expression and says he just flew last weekend. Those of you who followed last season know that they built Jake up to be a commercial pilot, but he really owned a limo company and flew his own little plane once in a while. I believe Vienna on this one.

Then Vienna tells us that when her dog was sick in the hospital with IVs coming out of her (You remember this dog, right? The one she dresses up and takes out to dinner?) all Jake could say was, “I’m so sorry your dog is so spoiled. (You) can only maintain one relationship at a time!” Jake says he never said that. Vienna calls him a liar.

She says he never talked to her family and then asks him how many times he called her dad. He doesn’t answer the question and instead says that she’s been busy having flings with other men.

“You are the biggest, fake liar!” Vienna yells at him. She says that there was never any infidelity or cheating on her part during the relationship. Jake says some guy gave an interview that he hooked up with Vienna. “I don’t hardly know that guy!” she answers. “Well he seems to know you!” Jake answers back.

Next Jake calls her out on some guy who was in her apartment with her when he called her once. Vienna says that they guy’s name was Todd and that he’s gay. Todd was there to drop off a dress for a charity event that Vienna was going to be attending. “Jake is jealous of a gay guy,” Vienna tells Chris. Jake stays silent.

Vienna next suggests that Jake should take a polygraph test, but she goes all rogue Southern bumpkin on us and calls it a “poly-a-graph test”. She goes on to say that she moved out to LA to be with Jake and that she had no money and no car. Jake says he won’t do a “he said/she said” thing. Chris tells us we need to break for commercial.

Round One most definitely goes to Vienna here. She stood up for herself, leveled direct accusations at Jake that he never answered, and countered everything he threw at her with logical, reasonable answers. Jake is coming off as an emotionless automaton here. He’d better find his mojo after the commercial!

We’re back now and Vienna tells Chris that yes, she did get paid for her interview, but that it wasn’t anything like $90,000. He asks her why she went into so many intimate details in the magazine interview and she answers back that she wanted people to know the real reasons the relationship didn’t work. That seems reasonable for a couple who has lived their entire life as a couple on the public eye.

Chris goes all Dr. Phil on them and asks what it was about the other one that they loved when Jake first proposed. They both list off lots of great qualities, but Vienna turns it negative and says all of those qualities went away and that he didn’t care or try.

Vienna then claims that they have broken up twice and that she’s given his ring back twice. Jake tells her she was free to leave and then tells Chris that she used to play a game of breaking up. She’d take the ring off and run into the bathroom and he’d have to follow her.

Chris then asks about Jake’s time on Dancing with the Stars. Vienna says she supported him because he wanted to do it but that every night he’d just come home and Twitter and ignore her. “We were never together,” she laments. Chris asks about the last dance they got to dance together when Jake got booted off the show and she says she liked it because it was time spent together. Jake fires back with, “Because it got you on TV!”

Vienna says she doesn’t want this life in the cameras all the time. She has a new job that she interviewed for and got. She calls it a “real job in marketing” for a charity that helps kids with cancer. Chris and Jake both call her on why she is staying in LA if she wants to be away from the cameras. Why not go back home to avoid it all? She answers back that everybody back home has turned their backs on her and that she doesn’t want to go back to that environment.

Chris and Jake have a point here. It’s pretty obvious Vienna is staying in LA for the fame opportunities. She can’t call Jake out on that and not say she’s doing it too, right? I’m glad she’s helping kids with cancer, but I’m willing to bet that the first casting director who comes to call will have Vienna eagerly waiting on his doorstep in no time at all.

Vienna says she broke up with Jake over the phone and that she has a witness who was sitting right next to her when she did it. Jake tries to respond, but Vienna keeps interrupting him. “Be quiet while I’m talking!” he snaps at her.

Chris asks Jake, “How can you get sick of someone in six months? How does everything go away?” and Jake slams Vienna by answering, “What guy in America would ever want to be intimate with a woman who undermines him? Emasculates?”

Now Vienna’s pissed. She wants specific examples from Jake about how she did those things. He says that one time when he had already given Vienna directions, she used the GPS to look it up anyway. That’s supposed to be undermining? I don’t see it, Jake. Vienna adds that after she used the GPS, Jake ripped it off the visor and threw it angrily in the back seat. This dude definitely has some anger management issues coming out now.

Another example Jake gives of the undermining is when he measured out their bedroom to see how all the furniture would fit, but then Vienna had the audacity to re-measure it and suggest the bed be moved so a chest of drawers could open all the way. Sucks to be proven wrong by the most hated woman in America, doesn’t it Jake?

All the while, Vienna keeps interrupting what he is saying and inserting her own one-liners to show him why he’s wrong and a liar. “You’re getting 40% of the truth,” Jake says at one point, which means that Vienna isn’t lying about everything. That makes you look bad, Jake.

In one of the juicier exchanges of the evening, Vienna talks about what the excuses were for Jake not wanting to be intimate: saving himself for marriage? Fasting? It seems like he used a lot of excuses with her for why he never did the deed. Hmmm…the gay theory is ringing a bit truer now. But, then again, so is the “Who would want to be intimate with the most hated woman in America?” theory.

Vienna accuses Jake of treating her like a child, bringing her to LA, and stuffing her in an apartment. He counters back with, “She breaks me down…She’s mean…She’s always right…I never do anything right…”

Chris asks Vienna if she thinks Jake will ever find love, and she of course answers, “Absolutely not!” Jake tells Chris that he’s sure he doesn’t want a selfish woman on his next go-around at love.

Then Chris loses control of the conversation and it devolves into some classic “he said/she said” stuff about flying Vienna’s dog to LA only once (“But it wasn’t potty trained!” Jake says.) “I left everything to support you!” Vienna wails.

Chris gets control again and asks Vienna if there’s anything she wants to apologize to Jake for. She stares daggers into Jake and then apologizes for going to the tabloids. “…but I know you and I knew you would do it if I didn’t!”

Jake is trying to talk now, but Vienna keeps on interjecting things and interrupting him. He finally can’t take it anymore and shouts, “PLEASE stop interrupting me!” and makes an angry gesture.

Vienna is done now. She gets up, shouts, “You’re the meanest person I’ve ever met in my life!” and stomps out of the scene and back into the mansion like a four-year-old who’s just been told she can’t have a pony. The heavy guy from past episodes is there to greet her and follow her into another room where we can hear her sobbing, “I want to go home! He’s so mean to me!”

And as we cut to the next commercial, Round Two most definitely goes to Vienna again. She had the specifics and the dramatics and worked both. Jake is still coming off as lifeless and unfeeling. He’s showing no remorse or even one iota of emotional upset right now. His face is just dead and frozen. Even if she’s faking it all, at least Vienna is trying here.

We come back from commercial and Vienna is still not there. “What just happened here?” Chris wants to know. “Unfortunately, that’s what one of our arguments looks like,” Jake answers. “It’s kinda embarrassing.”

The interview ends with Jake telling Chris, “I have never been in a relationship where I’ve raised my voice. I feel bad for doing that. You just can’t get a word in…This is what’s wrong. Somehow we lost each other along the way.” Chris signs us off, but not before we get a few shots of Jake’s self-satisfied smirk like he won tonight.

I have to say that as much as I dislike Vienna, she definitely came out the clear victor in this whole match-up. I actually ended up really liking her a lot at the end, so whatever wool she pulled over my eyes worked. Even if this whole interview was all an act, Jake didn’t do a very good job countering any of her questions or arguments and mostly just sat there looking angry and/or lost. I never liked him much either, but after tonight I have totally written him off.

In the end, this interview was actually pretty compelling for being based on a fake reality show. It gave us a small glimpse into what life must be like “After the Rose”. It must not be easy, but I rest easier knowing these people all signed up for this fully knowing they would be splashed out on every magazine and newspaper this side of Lesbian Lisbon.

And the saddest part of this whole thing? It was just announced today that Ed and Jillian have just split up. Do you think it will come to this for them too? Will Ed bring back his mankini? We wait with baited breath to find out…

Previews, or “You Have WHAT in Your Garage?!”

After all of that drama, there still were previews for the rest of the season. Most of them were ones we already saw last week: Ali freaks out in Kirk’s dad’s taxidermy garage. Frank has something important to tell Ali in Tahiti (but tonight we get to see him knocking on the door of and hugging a brunette! GASP!), Roberto is looking all clean cut and cute in a baseball uniform, and Chris L.’s dad looks like a cute guy with some personality.

Closing Credits, or ”Paws off MY Food!”

While the credits roll, we see Roberto and Ali back on their date. We’re not really sure what part of the date this is since we saw them eating a picnic outside during the show and now they are inside sitting on a couch with big plates of food on the coffee table in front of them. Bad editing here, guys. This must have been yet another part of the date that got pre-empted for Jake and Vienna.

They both watch as a cat (A cat?! From where? How did THAT get in there!?) puts his paws up on the table and starts licking at Ali’s food. I love how Roberto makes sure to specify that the cat is eating ALI’S food, not his. Nice moves, Roberto. Make sure that it’s your date’s food getting the tongue treatment from a rabies-infested feral cat and not your own food. That way you have more for yourself later! “He’s going to town on that! This is crazy!” Roberto exclaims, like he’s never seen a starving cat chow down as much as it can before being shooed away by a 22-year-old production assistant.

If you made it this far this week, I thank you very much! Please let your friends know about my Facebook page “After the Rose” where I post not only this blog, but lots of other fun tidbits and links. See you next week for the hometown dates!