OK…on to last night’s episode. I think I am going to take a different approach with this week’s blog since last night was basically 15-20 minutes of actual content stretched out over two hours. Could they have repeated things more? I swear if Chris told us he moved back home to be with his mother during her last months, or Ali told us she gave up everything to be here, or Frank told us that something was holding him back from falling completely in love with Ali, I was going to throw a fake oyster at Chris Harrison’s head. Did you ever think you’d miss Kasey saying “guard and protect”?
In case you missed the episode, here’s what went down: Everyone headed to Tahiti so Ali could narrow the three guys down to two. Frank came late because he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend Nicole back in Chicago and he wanted to talk with her to see about rekindling the old flame. After talking and making out with her, he decides that he is going to choose Nicole and goes to Tahiti to tell Ali. Meanwhile, Ali goes on dates with the other two guys. Both dates seem to go well and both dates end up in the Fantasy Suite. Ali shows up excited for her date with Frank, but he ends up dumping her and telling her he’s choosing Nicole back in Chicago instead. Ali flips out and cries and rubs her face a lot. She wants to have a Rose Ceremony anyway to make sure that Chris and Roberto still choose her. They both accept her rose. That’s the whole thing in a nutshell. See? I can write short summaries too! J
Because of how much repetition there was, I’m going to switch to the “Best and Worst Of” format this week to sum up what went down.
Lamest Props Planted by the Producers to Further a Storyline:
TIE
1. The Lion King CD that Roberto had next to his suitcase while he was packing. How bad was it that he saved it for the end of his packing, picked it up with a nostalgic smile, held it just perfectly so the camera could see it, and then placed it right on the top of his suitcase? Puke puke puke. So faked. No one would pack a CD like that, not even a straight guy.
2. The oysters Ali and Chris found on their “private island”. I was already rolling my eyes when the two Massachusetts natives went oyster hunting on the beach. Let’s stereotype everyone from the East Coast, huh? But then the producers take it a bit too far when Chris cracks one open and gets a shocked look on his face as he fishes out…wait for it…a REAL PEARL! Ali shrieks and they merrily start ripping apart oysters on the beach to find more. So faked (The Sequel). If it were that easy to find the oysters in the first place, they all would have been long gone before these two got there. I’m not buying that one second of this pearl hunting was real.
3. Frank going to Nicole’s apartment. They made it seem like he surprised her there, but if that’s the case then why when she opened the door did she not even give a glance towards the cameras? I mean, if you opened your door and your ex was standing there with an entire camera and sound crew, wouldn’t you at least look their way and wonder who the hell they were? And then, without batting an eye, she lets not only Frank in, but also the camera following him. Obviously, she knew they were coming before they even got there. There was zero element of surprise here.
Hottest and Coldest Weather Extremes:
Coldest: Frank walking the mean streets of downtown Chicago on his way to see his ex-girlfriend. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets for all of these shots, and had to bend his body against the wind at some points. If the guys got all decked out in furs and gloves in Iceland, why couldn’t the producers spare some of that for poor Frank in Chicago? I guess they wanted to add to the look of Frank’s general miserableness on his Walk of Shame?
Hottest: Poor Roberto. He got outed as a heavy sweater (not the article of clothing…a person who sweats) on last night’s episode. In almost every scene in Tahiti his shirt is soaked through and sweat is pouring down his temples and forehead. I guess some people are into that, but I just felt bad for Ali having to hug on that warm, sweaty shirt and kiss on all of that sweat everywhere. I hope dude’s got on the extra heavy duty Old Spice or things aren’t going to go so well in the Fantasy Suite. Frank looked sweaty too, but his face is always overly shiny in a greasy way no matter what country he’s in, so I’m going to give this to Roberto. Never let ‘em see you sweat, guys!
Ironic Moment of the Evening:
TIE
1. When Frank’s ex opens her door and we see she’s wearing a canary yellow top! Too funny. Do you think the producers had her wear Ali’s favorite color on purpose? I could just picture Ali watching that episode back last night. “Oh I KNOW she’s is NOT wearing MY color!” Better watch out ladies. Ali will cut a bitch.
2. When Ali shows up all perky and happy for her date with Frank, she’s got a bright pink flower tucked behind one ear. But as Frank sits her down and lays out the truth to her, she starts rubbing her face and hair so much that the flower slowly starts to fall out of her hair. She finally just yanks it out altogether. Did anyone else catch the symbolism? Ali has to give up a flower after having given them out this whole season. Deep, huh? (Stick with me here, folks. This is as deep as this show gets, OK?)
Biggest “Calm Before the Storm” Making Us Laugh Moment:
Ali getting off the boat in Tahiti all easy-breezy Cover Girl sassy with her floppy white pants, her flower necklace (do they call them leis in Tahiti?), her big Jackie O sunglasses, and her perky walk. All of her voiceovers at this stage are things like, “Tahiti is the perfect place to fall in love!” and “I believe that one of these three guys is going to be my husband!” but we have seen the previews and know that rough waters lie ahead for our girl Ali. I can’t help but laugh. It’s cool being the omniscient narrator, huh?
Most Overused Piece of Machinery This Season:
The helicopter. It has become such a cliché now on this show. I think helicopters have been involved in every week of this season so far, right? Ali and Roberto take a helicopter ride to their own private island, and while it affords us some pretty amazing views of just how gorgeous Tahiti really is (That water! My god. I just added “Go to Tahiti” to my Bucket List), it’s just getting silly now. Just a few weeks ago, Ali was terrified of flying (remember her flying date with Jake last season?), but now she seems to be miraculously cured. I think they should mix it up a bit. Could they have skydived onto the island? Parasailed? Been shot out of a cannon? Teleported by Scotty? Anything but the boring helicopter.
Lamest Geographical Reference:
Ali and Roberto supposedly visiting a heart-shaped lagoon. That was a heart? Yeah, I guess it kinda, sorta was one, but not really. That was pretty far-fetched and contrived. Did you notice how we never saw the entire thing at the same time? Hmmmm…wonder why?
Biggest “Dude, We SO Applied for the Wrong Show!” Moment:
Anybody who’s ever been on Survivor after they saw the two beach/island/ocean dates that Ali went on with Chris and Roberto. On Survivor they are on islands with yucky critters and bugs, mean, backstabby people, and extreme elements. Chris, Roberto, and Ali get picnic baskets full of food, private white sand beaches, warm, shallow water to make out and frolic in, and no one around for miles to vote them out or steal their canteens. Tough life, huh?
Biggest Continuity Errors:
TIE
1. On both nighttime dates, the editing was horrible. As they cut back and forth between the couples chatting, you could see water and wine levels in glasses rise up and down spontaneously and food appear and disappear on plates seemingly without being touched. It just all adds to the “this show is totally staged and edited down to look like something it originally wasn’t” vibe that The Bachelor/ette has.
2. Thanks to my pal in Walnut Creek for pointing this next one out (and thanks for the yummy salad for lunch today too!) As Roberto is packing his suitcase in the hotel room, he is packing a red suitcase. But a few shots later when they show him wheeling his bag out of the hotel and into the back of a cab, it’s a black suitcase. Sigh. The producers aren’t even trying this season, huh?
Worst “We Know This Is a Long, Drawn-Out, Repetitive Show Tonight, So We’re Going To Tease You With Pretend Drama” Moment:
After Ali and Roberto’s daytime date, we go to commercial, but not before we see a preview of what’s coming up after the break. Ali asks Roberto, “Do you feel like you see us together?” and he looks down and doesn’t answer anything. Instead, we get a long, awkward pause. GASP! Is HE going to dump her too like Frank? What does it all mean? I was getting bored, but NOW I want to watch.
Alas, as we come back from the break, Ali asks the same question, but this time Roberto instantly answers, “Of course I do!” Say what?! Where was the awkward pause with him looking down? Where was the uncertainty that he would answer yes? You mean the producers edited that all down to tease us back into watching a really dull, repetitive episode? No way!
Then the producers tease the drama further by showing us Roberto getting all serious and telling Ali that he has something on his mind that he needs to tell her. She immediately gets all bug-eyed assuming it’s something bad, and we hope against hope that what he’s about to say will be drama-filled and heavy – He too has a girlfriend? He farts in his sleep? He’s gay? (Hey! A guy can dream, right?) But, alas again, he just wants to open up and tell her that he’s really falling in love with her. Damn. We get ripped off again.
Biggest “How Did You Apply for This Show Never Having Seen It?” Moment:
TIE
1. Roberto and Chris, who apparently have never seen how the romantic tropical dates go. Both of them are shocked that there is a card from Chris Harrison at the end of their nighttime dates with Ali and seem even more surprised that there is a Fantasy Suite waiting for them. These guys have never watched this show before? How is that possible? Chris even looks around expecting Chris Harrison to pop out of the bushes like some crazy Bachelorette nighttime date stalker. I find it really hard to believe that neither guy knew what was coming.
2. After Frank has dumped her, Ali exclaims, “This is the last thing I ever thought would happen!” Um, Ali...have you ever seen this show? Something exactly like this happens every single season. It’s why we watch. We love watching people like you subjected to the miseries of heartache and their own bad choices so we can forget about our own. If you’ve ever seen one episode of this show, Ali, you would have put this whole experience with Frank at the top of your “What I Know Will Happen” list.
Funniest Lines From Chris:
Since our old standbys Krazy Kasey and Kirk have gone by the wayside, it’s been up to Chris these past couple of weeks to fill the “Line of the Night” void left behind. Two of Chris’s lines stood out last night, so we’ll call this one a tie.
1. When he and Ali see each other for the first time on their date, they are at separate ends of a long dock. To meet each other, they have to run and run and run to finally make contact. On his way there, Chris finally asks, “Is this the longest dock EVER?!” which is kind of a commentary for this episode which just seemed to drag on and on.
2. After Ali shows Chris the Fantasy Suite card and says it’s from Chris Harrison, Chris acts all surprised, looks around the bushes for the other Chris, and asks, “Is he gonna jump up in, like, scuba gear and scare me?” Very funny line and perfectly timed.
Most Disappointed People When Frank Breaks It Off With Ali:
Franks parents, when they realize he’s going to be in love with a woman who is a nobody and lives in a one-bedroom studio. Ali is a famous person who probably will be on the next Dancing with the Stars and who would have gotten Frank’s face all over the media before the break-up. I can just picture them begging him, “Please please PLEASE just pull a Vienna and sit in the audience on Dancing with the Stars pretending like you care about her paso dobles and Lindy hops. Just wait until America gets sick of her and votes her out, and then you can dump her and move on to fame and glory.” But, sadly, no dice for Frank’s folks.
Most Common Gesture on Last Night’s Show:
Rubbing faces and eyes. This happened so many times throughout the show that I lost count. I will declare Frank the winner in this category since he not only got face and eye rubbing time in with his ex, but also while he spoke with Chris Harrison about breaking up with Ali AND when he actually broke up with her. Frank’s eyes and temples were getting a serious workout. Ali is a close second. As mentioned earlier, she rubbed her face and hair so much she deflowered herself (is that even possible?).
Biggest “Ouch, That’s Gotta Hurt!” Moment of the Night:
TIE
1. While Frank is dumping Ali, he says, “Ali, I’m sorry. You’re perfect in every way. The only difference is with Nicole somehow I had this click.” Oh snap. You just got a compliment and a slap in the face at the same time, Ali. What’re you going to do? Well the only thing a girl knows how to do…fight fire with fire…
2. Ali tells Frank for the 14,638th time that she gave up everything to be here. He says he gave up everything too, but she quickly snaps back, “Apparently not EVERYthing!” and you can hear the legions of Bachelorette fans glued to their screens all going, “Oooooo! She did NOT just say that!” at the same time. Nice comeback, Ali!
Fakest Friend of the Evening:
The host, Chris Harrison. If he called Frank “Man” one more time during their pre-break up conversation, I was going to put Ali’s floppy hat over his face and hold it there while he squirmed. I can’t stand how Chris always is so overly-familiar with all of the contestants, like they’re “bros” who go way back. It so Ryan Seacrest-y and fake.
Next, in his best impersonation of a Massengill Disposable Douche commercial, Chris also sits down next to a crying, heartbroken Ali on the beach and attempts to comfort her as only a true fake friend could. “Sometimes I don’t feel so fresh, Chris,” she laments and he puts his arm around her and hugs her while white stallions gallop through the breaking surf. Or he listens to her while she vents her sadness. One of those two for sure.
Chris always acts all buddy-buddy with the folks on this show, but I’m sure he hates most of them. Then again, he did admit on national television a few weeks ago that he had eaten dinner with Jake and Vienna, so I guess maybe he could really like some of them, which of course makes him as big of a loser as they are, right?
Best Edit of the Night:
For what a crappy thing he did to Ali, Frank certainly came off smelling like a rose (pun intended) last night. Spoiler sites had said that after this episode, Frank would be the most hated man in America (even more than “Rated-R” Justin!), and I was ready to rake him over the coals last night. But in the end, I actually respected him for not going all the way to the end with Ali and for realizing he had stronger feelings for his ex. Yes, he should have bowed out much earlier so other guys with no exes at home could have had more of a chance, but he did what he did. It’s a reality show.
The producers spent a lot of time showing us his mental anguish and turmoil over this whole situation, so when we weren’t projectile vomiting from how mind-numbingly boring this whole plotline became, we actually felt a little sorry for the guy. I’m going to guess there would be plenty of women lining up to take Nicole’s place if they ever split up.
Biggest Fashion Faux Pas of the Evening:
These all go to Ali tonight. First, her bra straps were showing when she wore the outfit on her date with Row-bur-toe. This always just looks trashy and messy. Someone needs to buy her “The Strapper”. Has anyone seen that infomercial? The little plastic thing you can put on your back between your bra straps to pull them in so they don’t always hang out? Look into it, Ali, before a tramp stamp suddenly appears on your lower back.
Another fashion miss occurred later on her date with Roberto when she was wearing a sheer, white top with a yellow bikini under it. She looked great once the white top came off, but before it did she looked like she had two giant, fluorescent yellow fried eggs plastered over her boobs. It gave new meaning to the terms “over easy” (Wait for it..wait for it. There!)
I know they are probably cool and trendy and perfect for a passionate tropical date, but those big, floppy white pants that Ali had on during her date with Chris were just stupid. No wonder her hips looked so wide in them – she probably had about fifty pounds of sand and driftwood collected in there from the pants having been dragged around the topography of Tahiti for a whole day and night. No one needs pants that big even if they do emphasize the breezy, casual feel of the islands.
Lastly, when she’s talking to Chris Harrison before the Rose Ceremony, Ali had another giant flower in her hair. In keeping with the ovo theme this evening, it’s a white flower with a big, yellow center, so it again looks like she has attached a fried egg to her body. Watch out for birds during the ceremony, Ali. They might want their babies back.
Fashion Ups for the Evening:
Chris did a complete 180 at the Rose Ceremony this week! In prior weeks, he showed up to this pretty formal event sans tie and usually wearing Nikes. This week, in the more casual setting where you would expect shorts and flip-flops, he actually wore a pressed dress shirt! Ups for going the Dapper Dan route.
And since I gave her a few digs in the previous section, I will give Ali ups for two dresses she wore. The first up is for the mini dress with flowers on the straps going over her boobs. The dress was too loose on her, but it was a really pretty design and she looked cute in it. The second up is for the flowing mu mu-style dress she wore at the Rose Ceremony. This felt more appropriate for the breezy island feel than those pants I mentioned earlier. This dress had beautiful colors and felt formal and casual at the same time. Excellent choice.
Biggest “Read Between the Lines” Moment:
In the previews for next week, if you were watching really carefully, you got a hint of how this season will all end up. First, for this entire season we have never seen a shot of what Ali looks like at the finale rose ceremony when one guy will supposedly propose. In every other season we have always seen multiple shots of this and it’s always grist for the rumor mill of who wins as the producers only show us a hand or finger of the winner and fans try to figure out to which contestant the appendages are attached. Nothing like that has been shown this season so far.
Well, last night we finally got a shot of Ali standing out on a platform holding the last rose, but we never saw either of the guys preparing to go meet her. No fingers, no feet, no appendages of any sort. Hmmmmm…..wonder what THAT could mean?
Second, in a voiceover, Chris Harrison tells us that the finale in two weeks will be, “…the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history!” Those who watch this show over and over rolled their eyes because we’ve seen every sort of finale possible – the villain wins, the sweet one wins, no one wins, the winner turns down the proposal, the winner is really the opposite gender, the winner is an alien, the winner keeps bodies buried in the backyard – we’ve seen it all. So we blow off this voiceover as more Bachelorette hype designed to tease us to tune in. However, you have to pay close attention to Chris’s wording here. We saw all of that on The Bachelor, not The Bachelorette. That means that any of those scenarios could repeat and it would indeed be the most dramatic season finale for The Bachelorette, since technically that is a different show. Tricky, huh?
Biggest, “Um…Are You Sure You Really Want to Date This Chick, Roberto? It Seems Like She Has Mad Axe-Murderer Skills, Dude…” Moment:
In keeping with the Lorena Bobbit theme that Ali began in Portugal serving a severed sausage to Roberto, Ali again shows us her hacking skills in Tahiti. In the closing credits, Roberto is trying to hack open a coconut with a machete during his island date with Ali. He takes a few swipes and can’t get it open and tells Ali he wishes he had listened better to his dad when his dad showed him how to do it.
Next we see Ali take over the chopping while Roberto stands back and gapes at her pounding the hell out of the coconut with the machete. The producers even pipe in scary Psycho-sounding music to really push home the point that no one should screw with Ali. Frank watched this scene back and closed his legs and hunched over in Nicole’s one-room studio back in Chicago, right? We even see that after she’s done with the hack job, the machete is permanently wedged into the coconut. Even former baseball player and current stud muffin Roberto can’t dislodge it. "Don’t screw with canary yellow-wearing single chicks from San Francisco but really from Massachusetts!" is clearly the message here. Fade to black. You’ve all been warned, gentlemen…
All right, that about wraps it up for this week. To finish up, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that I won’t be here to blog about the next two episodes – The Men Tell All and the season finale. I know it’s really bad timing, but family obligations call. I promise that I will get caught up and put up one big posting about both of them a few days after the finale. I hope my loyal readers will understand and will check back when the new posting is up.
The good news is did you all see the commercial for Bachelor Pad last night? Oh my word, does that seem like the best night of television ever? My favorite line of the ad goes to some sweet, young lovely who asks demurely, “Can somebody please help me take my top off?” during a giant game of Twister. Weather Man is back, perfectly coifed hair Craig is back, Elizabeth (who used to look like Courtney Cox and was a tease with Jake) is back and blonde, and oh the bods bods bods bods! Can’t WAIT for August 9th when it premieres. And I will be blogging that show too, no worries. You won’t miss a thing.
Have a great couple of weeks Bachelor/ette fans, and I’ll be back here soon!
One of the funniest; but I seem to say that each week!
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