Season Premiere, Baby!

OK Bachelor fans. So the big premiere just wrapped up, and now that it’s all over I have to say that this season is already shaping up to be a great one. We already have our resident crazy lined up AND Jake gave her a rose. What could be more divine for any fan of the Rose Ceremony? But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s dive in to what happened last night.

We start off the episode with a montage of Jake last season getting too intense with Jill and creeping her (and all of us) out. We now remember why we didn’t like him much. He was “that guy” who wanted love too much and was way too vocal about it. He came off as whiny as he complained that girls think he is “too perfect” for them. We see a clip of him saying, “Nice guys finish last. It’s the story of my life,” and we still don’t feel very sorry for someone who has everything he does.

We see that Jake has made a nice life for himself in Dallas, is a commercial pilot, and still looks really hot with his shirt off. Oh…and he cuts pieces of stone in his backyard for no apparent reason. One funny thing we see is a montage of shots of Jake wandering the “mean streets” of Dallas looking all lost and forlorn as his voiceover tells us deep things like “Love is perfect. It endures,” as sappy music plays in the background. Barf…

We get plenty of shirtless shots of ol’ Jake. He’s looking bigger and buffer than last season. Pretty darned perfect in the looks and bod department, I would say. If anything, I will enjoy watching the producers take advantage of his killer bod for us all to ogle this season if the plotlines get boring. We see his bod jogging on the beach, doing pushups, showering, and doing all sorts of other fun stuff that we all wish WE were doing with his bod.

We also get a glimpse into Jake’s life as a pilot, although I’m not so sure that I believe he was really flying any planes. When they showed him pulling back on the stick, nothing was moving in the background. I’m sure he really flies. I’m just also sure that he wasn’t really flying during those shots. We see Jake is fearless and does all sorts of heart-stopping stunts in his little acrobatic plane too.

Lastly, we see Jake riding his motorcycle. My guess is this was a scene choreographed by the producers. The shot of him in front of the sunset is very Richard Gere a la An Officer and a Gentleman. We also see that for some reason Jake wears a huge, oversized motorcycle helmet. My first thought upon seeing it is that it looks like the helmet that The Great Gazoo wore on The Flintstones way back when. Thoughts?

Next, Chris Harrison teases us that this will be “the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever” and those of us who are fans wonder what more could they do to surprise us? We see previews that seem to back this up, though. We see one girl yelling, “You are as fake as can be!” We see one girl all giggly over getting to see Chicago in a private concert. We see roses getting thrown into fire pits. And by the way…Chicago?! THAT’S the best this show could do? They’ve had Michael Buble and Martina McBride on here and all they can do for Jake is Chicago? Is that even a band anymore?

Then we cut back to Chris Harrison who lies to our faces and tells us that the reason Jake was chosen was because of all the fan mail ABC received after Jillian dumped him. I believe this as much as I believe that this will be the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever. People wanted to see Reid and Kiptyn, but those guys were smart enough to turn it down. There's no way Jake was ABC's first choice.

We come back from a commercial break and finally get to meet the ladies. This part of a season premiere is always crucial in trying to figure out who will stay and who will go, and who will be a central character to the show and who will fade into the woodwork.

We get background stories on twelve women, so we know that almost all of them will be important somehow. We meet Ali, a sweet-seeming girl from San Francisco whose ex-boyfriend cheated on her by going next door and messing around with her roommate. Classy. We meet Tenley, who has played several Disney princesses, so she automatically vaults to the front of the favorites for me. We meet Christina who says “I’m a little bitchy” and “Most of my friends are guys” and “I don’t get along well with women” and we rest easier knowing that there will be someone in the house who will stir the pot (PHEW!)

We meet Ella from Tennessee and immediately feel sorry for her as the mellow music that was playing for the other girls instantly turns to Appalachian pickin’ and grinnin’ down home Southern banjo style music for her. We meet Elizabeth who is smokin’ hot and looks a lot like Courtney Cox and knows she won’t be able to handle it if Jake kisses another woman.

With just these girls we have our quota of bitchy, hot, and princess, but we also get to meet Vienna who gets dressed up with her dog and sits out at cafes for “mommy/daughter” days with the dog and whose daddy has bought her seven cars already. And we meet Gia, a hot swimsuit model that kinda looks like Angelina Jolie, and who for some reason has the sleeves of her shirt clenched into her fists as she is interviewed. We meet Alexa, an entrepreneur with REALLY close-set eyes who makes the first orgasm sounds of the season. And we sit back and breathe a sigh of relief. Our Craziness Meter is starting to really heat up, and we know it’s all just getting started.

We come back from another commercial and Jake is soaping up his abs in preparation for the big night of meeting the 25 women. Because that’s what hot guys have to do before they meet 25 women – soap up their abs for an abnormally long amount of time and do a voiceover at the same time talking about how nervous they are getting. We see a contemplative shot of Jake standing on a cliff at sunset saying, “I’m risking it all for love…” So deep. Gives you chills, huh? Then we get to see him in his Great Gazoo helmet again.

Now we get to the big moment where the first carload of ladies gets dumped off on Jake’s front step. Jake looks really nervous and I’m not sure why. It’s too much to go into every detail of each meeting with all 25 women (although I will totally do it if you ask me…I took 10 pages of notes on this episode! Totally serious…), but here are some highlights and lowlights:

Cute San Francisco Ali has lost her voice! She’s even cuter now with her Marlo Thomas squeaks and bright yellow dress. Tenley (the Disney princess) shows us that she’s not going to be the brightest girl by drooling all over Jake and saying things like, “Isn’t he just dreamy? I’m in love with him already!”

Ella, the hairstylist from Tennessee steps out of the limo and we are disconcerted to see that she has the worst hairstyle by far of any of the ladies. How does a hairstylist have such bad, lop-sided hair? Caitlyn, the spokesmodel, slinks up to Jake in a way-too-formal dress like she’s on the red carpet for the Oscars. It’s almost excruciating seeing how long it takes her to get up to him.

Vienna does what I would have done and goes in for the kill: “Can I feel your abs?” Hey…you might get booted off the first night. Wouldn’t you want to cop a feel too just in case so you could tell everyone you did it? Corrie asks him what he thinks about Kissimmee, tricks Jake into thinking she really means “kissing me”, and they share an awkward moment of poor judgment in joke-telling.

Valishia brings him soil from Texas for no real reason other than that she was just there at a reunion. Elizabeth, the smokin’ one who looks like Courtney Cox, asks Jake to visualize his favorite place and her face visibly drops as he says, “Right here. Right now.” She wanted him to say somewhere in the snow. She snowboards, but he says he only skis. Uh oh. Trouble in paradise already?

I shudder as Channy speaks to him in Cambodian and is uncomfortably over-expressive. Why does this show always have a woman like Channy who seems so out of place? Her skirt is way too short, her really big mouth is too distracting, and she doesn’t seem to have anything in common with anyone. I can see the writing is on the wall for poor Channy.

Ashley brings some sort of spinner for her to pick a man. I have no idea what it is or how it works, but I don’t really care. And apparently the producers don’t care either because it never really gets explained to us. Christina, the bitchy one, says she’s brought jelly beans for all the girls (didn’t you love how they all, “Awwww”ed when she told them?), but then informs Jake they will be parting gifts for them all as they all get sent home. Nice. The role of bitch this season to be played by Christina.

Ashleigh walks up to Jake and then trips and falls into his arms. Lame lame lame. I’m pretty sure this was staged, but if it wasn’t she sure took a chance that he was going to catch her the right way. Then I notice that she looks a lot like Kyra Sedgwick (you know…Kevin Bacon’s wife). I like her more now.

Sheila gives Jake a pair of aviator glasses. Kirtsen tells him she has something to give him from her best friend (did we ever find out what that was?) Michelle comes out of the limo with her arms out flying like an airplane. Stephanie asks him for the first dance. All of the women take their turn trying to stand out from the rest even though they all are basically done up and dressed the same. And through it all Jake looks alternately nervous, uncomfortable, and helpless.

By the end of the next commercial the alcohol has already started to flow as Jake starts to meet the women one-on-one and in groups. Jake takes Ali aside for some alone time and she trips and falls on her dress and endears herself to us even more by saying, “I am totally that girl that just fell!” and then tells Jake it is the day she fell for him. Liking her a lot.

Corrie, who kinda looks like a less horse-y Sarah Jessica Parker, asks Jake his priorities in life and he answers, “God, family, and friends” and her face goes a little pale as she realizes the word wife wasn’t in there anywhere. I throw up a little of my chicken parmesan in response.

Next, we finally get to hear Channy’s Cambodian translated as she tells Jake in English, “You can land on my landing strip any time!” and the show turns borderline racist as some girls poke fun at her not knowing what the other definition of a landing strip is (look it up at www.urbandictionary.com if you don’t already know. I ain’t sayin’ nuttin’…) She says that she can be the naughty girl and over-effuses some more and it’s all really uncomfortable to watch.

Ella, the hairdresser with bad hair, gives Jake a toy airplane from her son and now we know that she won’t last the season. People with kids never do, although they usually make it far. And she shared something too personal too soon. It’s kinda creepy.

Scroll down to my blog last week to see my thoughts about Ashley the slutty fake flight attendant (she’s a TEACHER, people…a TEACHER!) whose mom buys her BOXES of clothes and sends them to her (I mean really…BOXES?!) and Elizabeth the football player who starts the girliest game of football ever.

Next, Chris Harrison announces that there will be a First Impression Rose that Jake can give at any time to the one girl who made the best first impression on him. Now starts our montage of crazy as Channy snuggles up closer to Jake and we get our first glimpse of Crazy Michelle in action. “I deserve Jake,” she tells us. “Filling in that missing spot will just make me feel even. It will just make it feel unbelievable.” BINGO! We now have our “not being in a relationship is the reason my life is so crappy and I need to be in one NOW!” character for the season. Michelle goes way off the Crazy Meter as we see her expression upon hearing that someone has already touched Jake’s abs. Excellent.

A bit later, we cut to a shot of Michelle starting to cry and break down, although nothing has really happened to warrant the emotions. “It’s really really hard!” she cries to us. Then she struts out to where Jake is having a one-on-one with eyes-set-too-close Alexa and steals him away. Classic moment of this scene: Go back and watch as Michelle is still gripping the Kleenex in her hand that she just blew snot into from the crying scene. Classy all the way, baby. Jake’s gonna love the surprise you’re holding in your hand. She sits down with Jake and tells him gushy stuff like, “It’s only the first night, but for me I don’t count the days…” and the oh-so-insightful, “…if you feel it you feel it…” Understatement quote of the scene: A cut-away to one of the girls saying, “She seems very annoying.” Loved it!

Chris comes out and says he has a surprise, and that he’s brought in some people to help Jake make his choices tonight. And who is that coming down the hallway? It’s Jillian and Ed! Jillian is wearing a spangly, sparkly mini dress and still waves her hands and arms like a shinier Celine Dion. Ed looks about the same, but he seems to be going more for the mussed-up hair look. We’re happy to see them so happy, and now ABC can finally put to rest the rumors that they have split up. Ed even reminds us that Jason and Molly are still together too and also somehow manages to tell us that he and Jill have lots of sex. I'm not sure why he always needs to get that in there all the time.

They meet the girls and we get to see Jake’s one-on-one with Tenley, who gives us her “Top Ten Things about Me”. None of them are very interesting, so the Disney princess falls a few pegs for me. She tells us she’s a woman with values, but then at the end asks Jake for a kiss. He gives her a very awkward one and then she spends an entire interview segment crying over the fact that she was the aggressor. She almost seems ashamed and cries that she is disappointed in herself. Jake tells her, “Thanks for opening up!” and we smirk at the double-entendre since she was just slutty on TV.

Jake asks Jill and Ed what their impressions are and they tell him exactly what any conscious person would tell him: that they liked Elizabeth the football player/Courtney Cox girl, and Jill liked Katherine, the flight attendant who wore a fake engagement ring to ward off those pesky passengers who always hit on her. Ed shows us his Spidey Sense is dead on perfect when he tells Jake that he should send Crazy Michelle home. “She’s emotional and I didn’t get a good vibe from her,” he says. Go Ed!

Next, Jake gives the coveted First Impression Rose to Tenley…the one who kissed him, thus proving the old axiom that good girls who put out get what they want in the end (just watch “Grease” or “High School Musical” if you don’t believe me).

We get the obligatory interview with Jake before he makes his big announcements at the Rose Ceremony. He says vapid things that I don’t really pay attention to as I watch his dimples and sparkly eyes. Before he starts dumping the girls he says probably the dumbest line of the night: “I wish this decision would be next to impossible.” Huh?! What does THAT mean?

The first rose goes to Ella, the hairdresser with bad hair. Next is Elizabeth, the football player. Next is cutie pie Ali with her scratchy voice. Next comes Vienna who probably stayed because she put his hand over her boob at one point during the evening under the guise of him feeling her heartbeat.

Lots of sidelong glances and nervous smiles as the camera pans the group of girls not yet selected.

He picks Christina, the bitchy jelly bean girl. He picks Gia, the hot model who bunches her sleeves in her hands. Crazy Michelle’s face is perfect. Every time her name’s not called she looks more and more deflated and crazy. Man did they do a great job casting her…

He gives roses to Ashley, Rozlyn, and Jessie, none of whom made much of an impression on me tonight. Crazy looks away now, not able to bear the thought of being dumped tonight when she’s so sure she’s going to stay. He gives Corrie a rose and she still reminds me of a prettier Sarah Jessica Parker and for some reason jumps on to my radar as a frontrunner to win this season. He picks Valishia, the one who gave him dirt, and we see that Jake isn’t picky about the gifts he receives (I mean honestly…she gave him DIRT?!)

He selects the slutty teacher/flight attendant wannabe Ashleigh and Katherine who was boring tonight. Now there’s one rose left, and we’re sure he’s going to give it to sweet, cute Kimberley, the NBA dancer. But in a not-so-surprising twist for Bachelor fans, the final rose goes to…wait for it…drum roll…Crazy Michelle! Of course Michelle has to stay around for a few episodes. The crazy ones make the best TV and it’s pretty obvious that the producers made Jake keep her around.

We get exit interviews from most of the dumped women who all cry and walk off camera overly-emotional about a guy they’ve known for a couple of hours. And, yes, Channy is outta there just like we all knew she would be.

Next, we get a preview of the upcoming season. Lots of bad flying metaphors and shots of where the dates will take place. Eleven shots of Jake with his shirt off. Some great lines thrown in there like: “She’s like a black widow spider sucking guys in…”

We also see that some major, traumatic event is going to happen that causes people to throw roses into the fire and causes Jake to walk out of an interview and kick something (totally fake and staged, by the way, dontcha think?) At one point Chris Harrison tells the girls, “This is something we’ve never had to deal with before…certain lines cannot be crossed” and we wonder what all the hubbub could be (unless you’re like I am and have already read the spoiler sites about what this big plot twist is. I won’t ruin it for you here, but it’s kinda “meh” in my opinion…)

Jake cries and says, “People where I come from are not like this!”

All in all, it looks like a great season ahead for us.

I hope that you all stay with the show and watch the closing credits because they almost always run outtakes of footage they didn’t use for the show. Tonight we get to eavesdrop on a deep conversation between a group of young lovelies who all want to know who has joined The Mile High Club (and if you don’t know what THAT is, see my link to The Urban Dictionary above and figure it out yourself. I have SOME sense of propriety, y’know…)

So that’s it. Hope that’s enough (too much?) for you to chew on for this week. Let me know what YOU think. Who are your faves and frontrunners? Leave some comments, forward this blog to your friends, and let people know about it.