Crazies, Drunks, and Gays...Oh My!

Well, if we thought last week’s kick-off to all of the debauchery was fascinating, we certainly have a lot to discuss this week. Who knew we’d have three crazies AND one full-on floozy in the house? Let’s get to it…

We open the episode with Chris Harrison talking to the ladies about how all of the dates are going to work. Some will be one-on-one and some will be group dates. Everyone needs to have their bags packed “just in case” because they could get sent home at any time.

During this scene I notice that he’s lost a lot of weight and kept it off. He looks good (except in profile – not the most fortunate of noses), and I like his “I’m wearing a stripey casual shirt with the sleeves partially rolled up at a jaunty angle” attitude. The girls look at him with faux serious looks, and I notice how all of them have mostly or partially empty mimosa glasses in front of them on the coffee table. The booze has already started flowing in this episode! Awesome!

During this scene, we of course get several shots of Crazy Michelle trying to look like she’s intently listening to what Chris has to say, but who is really thinking, “I’ve got this in the bag. I am SO MUCH better than all of these bitches.”

Chris leaves the first date card on the table, and it has a really deep, personal, meaningful comment – the type we’ve come to expect from Jake: “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Wow…where does he come up with this stuff? And here I thought he was just another pretty face.

It turns out that Gia (hot model with kind of an Angelina Jolie vibe goin’ on), Rozlyn (model who’s hiding that she has a kid), Valishia (gave Jake dirt when she greeted him for the first time), Corrie (less horse-y Sarah Jessica Parker), Christina (bitchy jelly bean girl), and Ashleigh (Kevin Bacon’s wife) all score the first group date with ol’ Jake. Cut to hilarious shots of Crazy Michelle sucking on her lips. For those who haven’t been following my other comments on this show, sucking lips is a sure sign of upset with anyone on The Bachelor. Michelle is going to town on her smackers.

But Crazy manages to hold in the emotion and move on. “It’s just the first group date,” someone reassures the others. There is still a lot more show to go. Cut to Christina, the jelly bean girl, telling the camera, “This is going to be the best first date with my future husband!” What? You mean you have had other dates with other future husbands to compare this one to? I guess those didn’t work out so well for you, huh?

Jake walks in to pick up the girls for the group date and they all swoon. They make a lot of whooping noises for some reason. Cut to shots of Jake saying things like, “Nice guys finish last,” (boo hoo hoo), and “I think I just turned a corner last night” and “Last night was the best night of my life!” Really? The BEST night? Meeting 25 women on a fake dating show is better than ANYTHING else that’s happened in his life? Obviously Jake’s standards are pretty low. He walks in and hugs some of the ladies while others just stare daggers at the ones who copped hugs. “I’m just on Cloud Nine,” he says.

We know Valishia’s kid back home is really proud of Mommy as the cameras cut to a full up-the-leg-and-into-the-crotch shot of how short her skirt is as the ladies step out of the house and into a waiting limo with Jake. The ladies left behind all yell, “We’ll miss you Jake!” at the same time, but no one in the limo really hears. There are more mimosas to toast with and more whooping sounds to create.

Jake ends up taking the girls to a fancy-looking hotel in Santa Monica. “Are we staying with you here?” one of the ladies jokes and Jake gives one of his “I’m uncomfortable and awkward” faces that he’s already patented this season.

“I’m gonna be working for that rose for sure,” Rozlyn tells us and thus creates a terrific moment of foreshadowing for us with her first interview of the night. More on that later.

Next up we meet Hal. Before his mouth even opens my gaydar is pinging off the charts: his suit with the pin stripes, his earring in the left ear. Hal tells us with lots of flamboyant hand gestures that he is the fashion director for InStyle Magazine and that the girls are there for a “very special photo shoot”. I can spot ‘em a mile away, folks!

Most of the girls squeal and ball their hands up into fists at this news (about the photo shoot – not that Hal is gay…) “(InStyle) is my required monthly reading. It’s my fashion bible!” enthuses Corrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), which gives us a glimpse into Corrie’s intellect, dontcha think? Wall Street Journal? No. The newest novel by John Irving? No. InStyle is her ONLY required monthly reading. I don’t like her as much now, although it seems her intellect may be an equal match for Jake’s. And who am I to throw stones. I watch this show, right?

Next, we snicker as all the women who are not already fashion models get interviewed for the camera with rollers in their hair while the women who model for a living have regular hair. Christina (jelly bean bitch) especially seems concerned about the photo shoot. “I’d rather be taking a math test right now.” She seems intimidated by Rozlyn and Gia who feel comfortable with all the hair and make up and accessories since they are experienced models.

Gay Hal welcomes them all to “the fabulous world of InStyle” and we see literally tables and tables of jewelry laid out for the ladies to choose from. In the midst of selecting clothing and jewelry, we get our first shirtless shot of Jake, and it’s very obvious that his tan is spray-on. Not that that means anything. I’m just sayin’ it to get it out there and on the table.

Rozlyn provides us with the next bitchy moment of this episode when she rolls her eyes in Gia’s direction and says, “Usually I’m in bridal magazines. I think Gia does more, like, lingerie stuff.” Which is her jab at the fact that even though she might *just* be a model, at least she’s not THAT kind of model who would have pictures taken in her underwear. Apparently there’s a fine line between tinsel and trash in the modeling world. Who knew?

Meanwhile, Christina “Jelly Bean” is breaking down about having to do a photo shoot. “I’m a little hive-ish,” she tells us and we feel a little sick to our stomachs with that vision in our heads. She’s obviously got a chip on her shoulder about not being a model. “I’m disgustingly dripping in sweat. I feel like a five-year-old getting ready for recess with his friend.” I have no idea what that means, but it all boils down to the fact that she’s nervous, I guess.

Next we cut to a shot of Jake and Rozlyn’s photo shoot. She’s a natural, and I hadn’t really noticed how amazingly beautiful she is. She really is stunning with her hair up and all her make-up done. She’s wearing a flashy sparkle mini-dress and doing her model poses and just generally looking glam.

And then it all goes to crap. At one point she falls into Jake’s arms and lifts one of her legs up and the censors have to put a giant black bar over her nether regions as her dress apparently rides up to show off the Full Monty or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

The reaction shot from the other girls is awesome. “I think I see her full cha-cha!” bitter Christina snipes. We notice that as she says this Christina is holding a glass of wine and looking boozy and we think we might have out first awkward drunk of the season. Fingers are crossed.

We notice that the gay community is well-represented as the photographer sashays over and tells Rozlyn, “This should be easy because you’re lovely!” when what he’s really thinking is, “People think you’re lovely because apparently you’re easy!”

Jake feeds strawberries to another girl during their photo shoot, Christina fumes more about feeling inadequate in the glam department, we get another crotch shot, and the oh-so-loving line, “I’ll get it with my tongue.” I don’t know what to make of all of that.

Finally it’s Christina’s turn for the photo shoot. She tells Jake it’s intimidating and she feels out of her element. She says it’s like prom all over again which must mean Christina went to school with some pretty hot girls, huh?

Jake sweeps her up, stares into her eyes, and says, “Look what that dress is doing with your eyes!” and I struggle to see how her dress is making her eyes look drunker and drunker. Yup. Confirmed. We have our first lightweight drunk of the season.

Jake dips her while they do their photo shoot and the other girls go, “Awww…” like they care. Jake has almost crazy eyes as he maintains eye contact with her. “You feel safe and secure (with Jake),” Christina tells us.

Lastly, we see all the girls on either side of Jake pulling on him like he’s a wishbone. “I want the rose the most!” Christina enthuses.

Next we see the group toasting poolside at the hotel. More booze. This should be good! “The night’s still young!” Jake announces. “The fun is just now starting!”

First Jake pulls Gia aside and we get a shot of the back of her head and the chopstick she has shoved into her hair. He asks about her past relationships and she answers that her first one was six years long. All the while she speaks with Jake, she is rubbing her chest, and I wonder why. It’s distracting and I wish she would stop.

Cut to a scene of Valishia telling the other girls that she teaches bible studies and doesn’t get paid for it. I mean really. So what? Did we need to know that? It’s nice watching the vapid girls realize that they have nothing moral or religious to chat about with Jake, though. You can almost see them trying to come up with something similar to say just in case Jake asks them about it.

Ashleigh (Kevin Bacon’s wife) walks up to where Jake is talking with Gia and interrupts in a smokin’ hot bikini. Jake gives Gia a kiss on the cheek and she looks bummed. “Maybe I should have put my swimsuit on!” she complains. The other girls give her a sad, “Wah wah wah…” as she walks back up to them.

Now Jake has changed into his suit too and is ready for the big reveal from behind a poolside cabana curtain. He’s still smokin’ hot himself, so I’m happy to just sit and stare at him for a bit while he and Ashleigh get to know each other. They frolic up close in the pool. “I had his full, undivided attention!” Ashleigh tells us, and we snicker under our breaths that she said “full” and that probably means ol’ Jake was sportin’ some wood in the pool.

All the girls join them in the pool and Christina says something to the camera about being intimidated by Rozlyn’s sexuality. I’m getting bored with her insecurity issues.

The scene shifts back to the mansion and we hear the doorbell ring with that ominous sounding, fake doorbell sound that they edit into the show. They open the door and there is another note there, which causes much clutching of chins and screams from the girls still there. They also see a fancy-looking box, and they open it to find…a stunning diamond necklace! They all scream and ooo and aaah over it, but then realize that there’s no name that says who is getting to wear the necklace or who is going on the next date.

Crazy Michelle clambers over to the necklace and wants to put it on. Funny moment: Michelle asking the group if they want to know why she wants to put it on and Elizabeth answering, “No you can not tell us why.” Michelle has a theory that the first girl who puts the necklace on gets the date, so she straps the thing around her neck while all the other girls glare at her either in anger or frustration that they didn’t think of that first. “It’s tainted!” one of the other girls whispers as Michelle puts it on. Classic line of this episode, in my opinion.

We go back to Jake poolside, and now he’s having some alone time with insecure Christina, who by now is totally plastered. Her eyes are starting to close a lot when she talks, she’s saying incoherent things that don’t make sense. Classic drunk Bachelor moments like this are what make this show as awesome as it is.

At one point Christina tells Jake, “I honestly cannot sing your praises anymore cuz it’s like crazy…” and then starts singing the theme to The Twilight Zone for some reason. I’m sure she must have loved watching herself back on tape last night. Not really one for the memory books, huh Christina?

Jake’s response to the whole scene is perfect: “I wish she hadn’t had quite so much to drink,” he tells us, but we love every second of it and are SO glad the booze flows so freely on this show.

Rozlyn’s bouncing boobs come into the cabana and break up the alone time with Christina, who only gets a goodbye hug from Jake. “I’m beginning to feel like a leper,” Christina announces, but then tells the group, “We need shots!” so I’m glad she’s able to rebound quickly.

Jake takes Rozlyn up to the rooftop where they wrap a blanket around each other to stay warm and so Jake can feel her boobs pressing against him. They make some small talk, but then Jake goes in for the first full make-out session of the season. They kiss a long time (with no tongue for anyone keeping score), and Jake says, “It was just perfect!” but then he goes and ruins the moment by wiping his hand over his lips and face! What was up with that? Foreshadowing? Subconscious revulsion at Rozlyn? I couldn’t figure that one out.

Jake tells Rozlyn to wait for him on the rooftop and he goes back down to the pool to get the rose that we all know he’s going to give her. Sadly, the other women didn’t know that, and they gaze longingly at it as he picks it up, walks past them, and goes back upstairs. The shots of Christina during all of this let us know that she is our second certifiable crazy of the season. Her eyes said it all: “I want that rose! But I’m too drunk to put together a cogent thought, but I’m going to stare longingly at you anyway, but you don’t see me so I will just sit here.” Poor thing. She’s dust for sure.

Jake has the rose tucked down the back of his towel, which means it touched his butt crack most likely and that’s kinda gross to give a lady a rose that’s touched your butt, right? Rozlyn is excited and crying and tells us, “I like the feeling of accomplishment. I like getting things done.” And does a little head bob to show us she’s happy about it all.

We go back to the mansion and the ominous doorbell rings again. Michelle runs screaming crazy outside to get what’s been delivered, and it’s a card. She knows it’s for her. “We just have a gut feeling about something!” she says, but of course she’s not chosen. It’s cute Ali that’s chosen and we’re happy since we love her. Michelle, on the other hand, shoots daggers with her eyes, and you can just see the emotional breakdown beginning to happen.

The card says, “Come fly with me!” and we immediately feel sorry for Ali since she’s the one who hates to fly. Ali is cute in her yellow dress again and all gushy about the date and about “…the feeling I had knowing that Jake picked ME to do this with! I never thought this would happen to me!” and we love love love this girl more and more.

Jake pulls up on his motorcycle wearing the Great Gazoo helmet from last week and tells Ali that he hopes she’s not afraid of “daredevil stuff”. This begins a montage of them riding to their destination on the motorcycle. They can’t be going over 25 miles per hour, but there are shots of Ali holding on for dear life in her high heels. He even lets her wear the Great Gazoo helmet! It’s all pretty silly, but not anything remotely daredevil. Evel Knievel is rolling over in his grave.

Jake takes her to an airport and straps her in to a little two-seater airplane and the poor thing looks petrified. But she toughs it out and of course ends up enjoying the whole experience. I am suspicious of the shots of them flying. We see sweeping shots of downtown LA, but there’s no way they would have cleared a little plane like that to fly that way. I think these are just stock footage they shot and put in to make us think that they flew over downtown.

I also don’t think Ali hated flying that much. People who have a real fear like that don’t just hop into a teensy plane. Trust me. I know from experience!

They land in Palm Springs and Jake makes the first of many grammatical errors on this episode. “You did good!” he enthuses and Ali just looks relieved to be back on the ground. “That was our relationship taking off!” she smiles, and she definitely moves to the front of the line for my favorite bachelorette so far. They drive in a swingin’ retro car with Frank Sinatra music pretend-blaring and end up in field. “It’s so quiet you can hear the grasshoppers!” Ali announces, and she loses some of her Cool Points for me when I realize that it’s crickets and not grasshoppers that make that chirping noise at night. How does a girl from the Northeast not know that?!

During this scene in the field it occurs to me that Jake so far has been portrayed as too perfect. I want to see a crack in his perfection to make things interesting. I want to hear him rip an accidental fart as he leans in for a kiss. I want to hear him say the wrong girl’s name in bed. You know…something to really let us see that he’s just a human being like the rest of us. But the perfection that is Jake endures throughout the episode.

Jake takes Ali to dinner at a place filled with lots of twinkly lights and I wonder where are all of the candles that The Bachelor always uses for these types of moments? Jake asks her how many relationships she’s been in. Why is Jake obsessing about past relationships with these women? It’s all he’s asking tonight. Ali has the cutest comeback of all time and says, “Well…let’s see. There was Jim, Jason, Jarod, Jordan….Hi Jake!” and we see she has a thing for guys whose names start with a “J”. Can she get any cuter?

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the sad doorbell rings again and Valishia reads the names of the lucky women who have scored the next group date – Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley, and Vienna.

Cut to ominous music and the look of horror on Michelle’s face when she realizes she won’t be going on any dates with Jake before the Rose Ceremony.

“What are you doing?” she asks no one. “He’s supposed to be with me! I am that woman. The one woman he’s been looking for. I’m not ordinary like the other women. I’m just that nice girl that everybody hates.” And we laugh and laugh at how clued out she is. She shakes off the disappointment and turns it into resentment in a flash (another sure sign of craziness on this show): “He didn’t want to be with me, so tough for him!”

We go back to Jake and Ali’s date, and Jake giver her the rose ands then makes out with her too. This is a much longer make-out session than the one with Rozlyn, and Ali even gets a shoulder nuzzle from Jakey Boy. Then Jake announces, “I saved the biggest surprise for last!” and we cringe as we hear the strains of “Saturday in the Park” by Chicago start up. We had forgotten they were going to trot out a tired, old band from the 70’s. This isn’t gonna be pretty. I immediately notice that Peter Cetera isn’t there, so I know this is gonna suck way more than I had originally thought. I wonder if he’s bummed he missed out on the free publicity or happy that his image is intact still.

But Ali and Jake are ecstatic and they throw themselves into dancing in front of the stage. It’s ironic that the song talks about being in a park and they are dancing in a park. Get it? That’s about as deep as The Bachelor gets, folks, so enjoy it while you can, OK?

“He’s inspired me to find love again!” Ali enthuses. “I am in this to the end!” and they make out again, but this time they have creepy old guys playing instruments and singing watching them make out. Ew.

We come back from commercial and find that the next group date will be going to Magic Mountain, and the girls scheduled to go try not to sound bitter that their date is an amusement park instead of a diamond necklace, Palm Springs, or a glamour photo shoot.

The girls find out from Jake that the park is closed to the public and that they will have the whole place to themselves all day long, which causes gales of screaming from them all. A lot of things happen quickly, but basically one of the girls goes in the wrong turnstile and is stupid, they go on a ride called Goliath which can only be a reference to Jake’s penis, and Ashley the slutty flight attendant who looks like the redhead from Glee and who really is a teacher whose mom buys her boxes of clothes tells us, “I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to get my man. Jake is my man. He just doesn’t know it yet!”

Back at home, Michelle is storming around the bedroom and packing her things to leave. “I’m not getting any time!” she storms. “What’s the purpose of me staying here? Why should I wait around for a cocktail party?” The girls all pretend to tell her that she should stay, but they really want her outta there so there is less competition.

Back at the park, Elizabeth (kinda looks like Courtney Cox and played catch last week) pulls Jake aside for some one-on-one time. Vienna tells us that Elizabeth is her biggest threat. “She’s sneaky,” Vienna opines. “It feels like she’s playing a game.”

Elizabeth says she wrote a note for Jake, and she takes way too long reaching into her pocket and wriggling around to fish it out. She starts to read and my heart falls as I realize the one I thought was pretty perfect is herself a nutcase. The note is “naked, it’s natural, it’s me” she tells Jake. It’s a long, rambling diatribe full of trite sayings like, “I have butterflies in my stomach!” and “The fun has just begun!” and goes on and on about how impressed she is with Jake. It’s really uncomfortable to watch Jake watching her read it. He has no idea what to do or how to react. We get a shot over her shoulder at one point and can see her crazy writing scrawled all over the paper, and I wonder how I could have been so wrong about her. She really is nuts. She ends by telling Jake she won’t kiss him until she knows she’s the one he’s chosen.

Vienna, meanwhile, is getting more and more jealous. We see shots of the girls and Jake at the park winning a giant monkey and we get to hear Jake break out his inner pedophile as he announces, “They can behave like they’re twelve-year-olds. It’s a great sight to see.” We see them all toasting with margaritas, and I start to hope that someone else is going to get sloppy drunk tonight.

Now Vienna gets some alone time with Jake, and she tell him that she has a secret to share. She’s not sure if he’s going to be disgusted and appalled or think it’s hilarious. We’re sure it has something to do with a bad relationship choice and/or a kid. I actually like Vienna more tonight. Last week she was portrayed as a snobby daddy’s girl, but this week she sounds smarter and more together than I thought at first.

She spills it all to Jake: She was dating the pastor’s son in high school with plans to marry him after graduation. He dumped her for someone else and got married and had a kid with that person really quickly, which broke her heart. She rebounded by running off and eloping with a guy who she was only married to for four months. We find out it broke her dad’s heart, and I feel a little twinge of panic that my own daughter will one day do the same thing and end up on a reality dating show flashing her crotch and getting drunk.

Ashley interrupts their “date” by bringing over margaritas for Jake. “That’s just annoying!” Vienna complains.

My hopes are realized when I see that Ashley is a little tipsy herself. She tells Jake, “You could sort of kiss me if you want!” and Jake gives her a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. Uh oh. Not looking good for the slutty fake flight attendant.

Jake ends up giving the rose for this date to Elizabeth because, “We have more exploring to do.” He respects her values for not wanting to kiss him yet, but I just think she’s lame. You only get one shot on this show and if you’re not kissy kissy right off the bat, you tend to get dumped at some point along the way.

The girls who didn’t get the rose are whisked back to the mansion in the limo while Jake and Elizabeth stay for some more one-on-one time. I loved how the producers made sure that these girls also saw the special fireworks show for the lucky couple from far away so they could swoon and pine and wish that THEY were the ones to enjoy all of that with Jake. Pathetic.

Jake and Elizabeth get some alone time, which totally confuses me. We watch as Elizabeth sort of sends out signals that now she WANTS Jake to kiss her. She’s all coy and asking him if he wants to. I wonder what game she’s playing. She tells him, “I’m a really good kisser and I hear you are too,” so we know she’s heard he’s kissed others and is feeling jealous about it. I just now notice that the job title they flash under her name and age says she’s a nanny. I’m sure the family she works for LOVES watching all of this, huh?

Back at the house, Rozlyn gloats to us, “I have a rose bee-yotch!” and then the cocktail party starts. For those not in the know, the cocktail party is the ladies’ last chance to make some sort of impression on Jake before he decides who to keep and who to dump.

First up, he takes Ella, the hairdresser, outside for some quality time. It was her birthday yesterday and so Jake brings her a sad, pink cupcake with a candle on it to celebrate. I notice that her hair is WAY better tonight than it was last time. It’s straighter and more flattering on her. Jake tells her that he put the toy airplane from her son on his nightstand, which is kinda creepy when you consider Jake will probably be having sex with a girl who is not Ella in that bed some time soon. Knowing it’s on the nightstand makes Ella’s “heart smile” and she tells the camera that Jake would be “incredible with (her son) Ethan” even though she’s only known Jake for two days and hasn’t heard the comment above about twelve-year-olds.

Jake also chats with Tenley (the Disney princess who seems kind of vapid to me) and we hear that she hasn’t dated anyone since her ex-husband broke her heart. Again, Jake focuses on past relationships and says, “With your temperament it seems like you probably had a pretty good and successful dating history.” Um…Jake…if it were good and successful, would she be on a show like this in the first place? Think about it.

Meanwhile, Michelle is hunkered down inside on the couch with her legs crossed defensively. Apparently the girls talked her into staying after all. “I think he needs to come here and talk to me!” she harrumphs to the assemblage of ladies.

Cut to a priceless scene of Vienna describing Michelle: “I think the girl’s crazy. She walks around the house all depressed and then Jake’s here and she’s like ‘I’m this amazing person!’” and flings her arms in the air for emphasis.

Crazy finally gets her alone time with Jake and gets all teary-eyed that she wasn’t selected for any dates this week. He tells her she’s made a pretty big impact on him, which means nothing, and then another girl comes and asks if she can borrow Jake. Michelle is speechless as music that sounds like the theme from Jaws plays in the background.

Michelle’s final speech of the evening cements her place at the top of the Crazy List: “It’s extremely rude. There are women in the house that are deceitful and I don’t think it’s fair to Jake. Me, I don’t hide anything at all. I’m confident he’ll see the reason he’s here is the same reason I’m here. He’ll see that and he’ll love it!” Cue more crazy music.

Now we get to the juiciest part of the evening. In the midst of the festivities, Chris Harrison calls Rozlyn over and tells her he needs to talk with her outside. He says all the lines we’ve already heard before about this being something the show has never had to deal with before blah blah blah and then tells her that they know she’s had an inappropriate relationship with a staffer on the show. Out of respect for everyone on the show, he’s asking her to leave now. She looks kind of shocked, but kind of not really shocked at the same time. Her arms are folded defensively. She tries to compare herself to other girls who had feelings for guys back home, but Chris totally calls her out on that by saying none of them expressed feelings for staffers on the show. She tells him that she doesn’t think that her personal life is anybody else’s business, and we guffaw loudly as we realize that she’s on a reality dating show for all the world to watch her personal life for our own entertainment.

She has to leave tonight, so the camera follows her through the cocktail party still in progress and up to her room where she slams the door. The other girls still have no idea what’s going on, but news slowly spreads that Rozlyn wasn’t talking to Jake as they all had thought – she was talking with Chris Harrison! Gasp! Whisper whisper. What could it all mean? What’s going on? A general buzz of fear and anticipation.

Meanwhile, we get some hilarious shots of Rozlyn packing her bags while a fat, old guy watches her so she doesn’t steal stuff from the other girls or otherwise trash the place before she goes. We also get some GREAT shots of the rose she got the night before, hanging there dry and limp as a symbol of what has become of her relationship with Jake (and the show). The camera makes sure that dead rose hangs in the shot several times for maximum impact.

As I watch, I wonder why we see this old, fat guy, but we don’t see the guy Rozlyn apparently was getting busy with. Where is he in all of this? Chris said he was fired, but I want to see him too. He must be a hottie himself if he can score a babe like Rozlyn, right?

Chris now pulls Jake aside and delivers the fateful news. Jake acts predictably and it’s boring. He can’t believe it. He’s stunned. He’s shocked. It’s all too staged. He totally knew all this before they taped it, don’t you think? Jake asks if he can get his rose back, which is a light moment in an otherwise blah scene.

We cut back to Rozlyn and the fat guy and we get a funny shot of her tripping over the bed linens on the floor and the ubiquitous hanging, dying rose. We notice how close together the beds are! It’s amazing the fire department lets that many people sleep in one room!

Cut back to Jake dealing with his powerful emotions of being lied to by a model who accepted a rose from his butt crack. He’s conflicted and sad.

Rozlyn and the fat guy leave without another word to the other ladies. She gets into the waiting van and is driven away, and we don’t get any sort of exit interview from her, which seems fishy.

By the way, for anyone interested, Rozlyn is in the press today about what her side of the story really is. According to her, she didn’t have sex with anyone and is mad at the show for portraying her as a floozy – especially since she has a kid who will be affected by it all. You can read one of the interviews here and decide for yourself what the truth is, I guess:

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2010/01/the-bachelor-rozlyn-scandal-a-big-lie/

For the record, I actually believe her. This show is notorious for playing around with people’s minds and making them seem like something they are not. I think she wanted off the show and the producers concocted this storyline to make it more controversial than it really was. I hope someone scores an interview with the staffer who got fired. I’d love to hear his side as well!

Next we see Jake making his final decisions on which ladies he will keep tonight. He symbolically turns Rozlyn’s photo upside down. Lame move. Outside at the cocktail party, Vienna is opining about the scandal with Rozlyn: “I’m just really upset. We’re supposed to be here trying to find love and she’s out messing around with a guy. I mean I just don’t even have a word for it.” Um…I do Vienna, but I’ll let you all guess what it is on your own. We hear that the girls are worried Jake will put up a wall now that he’s been hurt. I don’t think he can get much thicker, ladies, so you should be just fine.

The Rose Ceremony comes and Ali and Elizabeth are happily clutching the roses they received earlier. “I believe that my soul mate is standing in this room with me right now,” Jake states, and I giggle with the mental picture that maybe the soul mate is Chris Harrison? Wouldn’t THAT be a cool plot twist?

Vienna gets the first rose while Gia flicks her hair jealously behind her.

Gia is next and we get our first shot of Crazy Michelle. This time her eyes are closed! I can’t WAIT for this girl to explode at some point.

Tenley gets the next rose and Christina who got drunk at the pool and was insecure at the photo shoot is making the crazy faces now.

Ella proves that a better hairstyle gets you further in the game and gets the next rose. She’s followed by Valishia who didn’t really do anything tonight expect tell us she gives free bible classes. Crazy Michelle starts flicking her hair around.

Corrie gets the next rose and we see Michelle blowing out air and taking big, heaving breaths. Classic. Next is Jessie (Who? Has this girl had any air time at all so far?), then Ashleigh/Kyra Sedgwick is next. Bitchy Christina has her crazy eyes cocked back and staring everyone down now. Michelle has turned to whispering to herself to stave off the tension. It’s so fun to watch the nutsos! But of course Jake calls Michelle’s name anyway, so she’s safe for another week and we get to watch her unravel some more next time.

Chris announces that there is only rose left, and Jake decides to give it to Kathryn (again…who?) leaving drunk-at-the-pool-Christina and slutty-teacher-flight-attendant-who-looks-like-the-lady-from-Glee-Ashley as the ones who get dumped this week.

Ashley gives him a fake parting smile and moves on, although she is crying a bit. Christina gives her exit interview and sets up one of the funniest parts of the night as her speech is interrupted by peals of laughter coming out of the mansion from the women who were chosen to stay. She gets this great bitter look on her face, glances over her shoulder longingly, and dissolves into tears. And she’s gone, thus proving the old saying that a bachelor does not like a drunkster singing the Twilight Zone theme to him by the pool with her eyes closed.

We get scenes from next week including a bungee jumping shot and a sound bite with Jake saying, “I think it would be better if you did leave. We don’t have to wait for the Rose Ceremony." Who do you think he’s talking to?

During the closing credits, we get to hear some of the ladies discussing what animal they would be described as in bed. Vienna would be a bear. Tenley mishears the question and says she’d be a giraffe because they walk like supermodels, and then does a really funny imitation of a giraffe walking. It gets even funnier once she realizes the girls were talking about animals in bed, and she gets all embarrassed that she even participated in the conversation in the first place. I love these closing shots. They feel like the most unscripted part of every show each week where you get to see the girls being who they really are.

So that’s it for this week, fans. Hope you got your fill and that you found some of this entertaining. Let me know what you thought about the show too! Catch you next week for the next update.