Another Crazy Bites the Dust...

For any of you who follow the spoiler sites, you were sorely disappointed this week. The sites all said that Tenley was going to announce that she was pregnant and that Jake was going to dump Ella after their date to Sea World. Ah well…at least the spoilers about Crazy Michelle were all true. This episode also marks the point in the season where we can see how the editing of this show has been fooling us all along. Let’s get to it…

We start off the episode, as usual, with Chris Harrison telling the girls that there will be two one-on-one dates this week and one group date. He announces this to the group, and it’s becoming obvious that there are fewer and fewer girls left. They all fit on the couch at the same time now.

Chris leaves the Date Card behind and Vienna finds out that she has been selected for the first one-on-one date with Jake. “Let’s fall head over heels!” smooth talkin’ Jake has written her. She fans her eyes as they start to well up with tears, and we’re not sure if it’s from the thought of some alone time with Jake, or because this guy writes some REALLY bad, cheesy prose.

For those of you who don’t remember, Vienna was the girl in the season premiere who told us that she dresses up her dog and takes it out to cafes. She’s also the one whose dad has already bought seven cars for her. She’s been edited so far to look pretty shallow and vapid, but during the date in the amusement park last week we learned she also has a secret past that includes preachers’ sons and eloping.

“I’m ecstatic!” Vienna chirps at the prospect of hanging with Jake. She goes on to tell the girls, “I’m really fun!” and there’s a very funny cut-away shot of one of the boring girls who has no storyline openly gaping in amazement that Vienna would say something like that. Now we KNOW all is not right in the House of the Bachelorettes. Why are the girls reacting like this to Vienna? Is it just because she got a one-on-one date and they are jealous? We store this interaction in the back of our minds to consider later (I stored it right next to, “I wonder if we’re out of paper towels?” Where did you store it?)

Meanwhile, the camera cuts to several shots of Crazy Michelle glaring through half-open eyes and twirling her hair. “I think of myself as very attractive,” she tells us, “and Vienna, she’s totally opposite of who I am as far as what I see on the outside.” Girl! You did NOT just call Vienna out on her looks, did you? You need to open those eyes a bit wider and see the crazy girl you have become.

Next we get some sound bites of Ali. She tells the girls and us that she almost feels a sense of betrayal that Jake is going out with these other women. Her date with him was so perfect that she can’t imagine him wanting to be with anyone else. I know that we have loved her bunches since this series started, but her shining, canary yellow dress-wearing glow is starting to wear off for me. I think it started last week when she said something near the end that had to be bleeped out. I even had to rewind that bit to make sure it was Ali that got bleeped. I sat up and took notice. Hmmm...maybe pure, sweet Ali isn’t all puppy dogs, sugar and spice, and tired old 70’s bands? Maybe we haven’t seen the “true Ali” yet? We have some closet crazies on this show who have started to come out. Could she be the closet bitch? I file that question in my mind next to, “What other songs did Chicago sing besides 'Saturday in the Park'?”

Motorcycle Jake shows up in his Great Gazoo helmet and brings Vienna back to his house. They chat for a while, and I actually am warming up to Vienna a bit. She seems fun and more down-to-earth than she was portrayed on the premiere. And is it just me, or is there something a little Cheri Oteri from Saturday Night Live about Vienna? I can’t pinpoint exactly what, but it’s there in the eyes somewhere.

Vienna tells Jake that she is “blunt, honest, the life of the party, and intense” and Jake admits to her that he is a bit out of his comfort zone since he’s never really dated a woman like Vienna before (even though he’s been out on a bunch of dates already with a bunch of girls on this show who have all described themselves that way. The continuity on this show sucks. I can always find mistakes in the dialogue and storyline like that.)

We get the idea from their conversation that they are about to do something adventurous and exciting. And, let’s face it, we all saw the previews of two people bungee jumping, so we know it’s got to be that, right? We find out that the craziest thing Vienna has ever done is zip lining with her family when her dad freaked out being up so high.

A helicopter swoops in to pick them up and Jake tells us, “I like adventure dates and Vienna is definitely the woman to do it with.“ Snicker snicker...he said “do it”...heh heh heh.

Vienna’s never been in a helicopter before, so they hold hands and take off over the mansion where the girls are all lying by the pool. We get a few bitchy sound bites about how they hope he’s going to dump Vienna off the helicopter the same way Jill dumped poor Robby off the train last season.

At one point one of the girls says the line that will get repeated over and over in some form or another throughout the night: “If she’s his type, then I’m not.” I should have kept track of how many times the girls said this to each other, to Jake, to Vienna, to us. It was incessant. At another point Kathryn (and by the way, you KNOW that she’s not winning anything on here since she’s one of the girls with zero storyline happening. I know you’re all thinking now, “There’s a Kathryn on this show?” Yes, there is.) says: “Vienna’s ruffled feathers in the house.”

I mean really…what has Vienna done that’s made them all hate her so much? Why didn’t we get to see any of it? Gasp! Are the editors toying with us to make us see someone one way when they’re really a different way? Say it ain’t so!

Cut back to Jake and Vienna coming in for a landing near a very high-looking bridge. Jake doesn’t look very happy all of a sudden and they both admit to being very nervous. In one disgusting cutaway, we see them wiping their sweaty palms all over each other. I’m really trying to find a way to make a Vienna sausage joke during this date, but it’s just not happening. Sorry.

Yes, they are going bungee jumping for their date, and now we find out that not only is Vienna scared, but that Jake is petrified. He looks white as a ghost and tells us that we’d all be surprised to know that a pilot is scared of heights. He says something about feeling secure inside an airplane, but I’m not really buying it. I think it was an act so the producers could show a more vulnerable side to Jake. Admit it, how many of you were secretly doing that, “Awwww…” sound inside since you felt bad for how scared he was? You know who you are. The producers totally manipulated you into feeling sorry for Jake. Trust me. If he’s OK flying commercial airliners and doing those acrobatic stunts in that teensy little plane, this is a cakewalk for him.

Jake tells us that in a situation like this, “You’re both each others’ rocks” and that he “can’t be strong 100% of the time”. Poor Jake. So tough to be so strong. Meanwhile, Vienna looks down and says a word that has to be bleeped and pixilated out. We find out that they are 120 feet high over a river, which, yeah, would totally suck if you hated heights.

They are all strapped in and ready to go, but Jake won’t stand up on the bridge at first. Vienna tells him he can do it, and they finally both get to standing position, get the countdown, and take the leap of faith. They fall, and when they hit the bottom they make a jolting bounce up. My neck hurt after watching that snap! They dangle there for what seems like a super long time and I can imagine them yelling, “Uh…guys? Can you pull us up now? Guys? Anyone?”

Instead, though, they share an upside-down kiss while they dangle and Jake reveals his kinky, bondage-y side to the viewers at home. Vienna tells us afterwards,“It’s like the whole world has stopped right now. It’s a memory the two of us will share forever!” while Jake says, “I couldn’t have imagined making that leap with anyone else,” and says that he’s looking for someone like Vienna who is “real and nurturing”. You know, real like Jake with the spray-on tan dating 25 women locked in a house for a month or two. That kind of real.

Now it’s nighttime and Jake and Vienna are sipping wine out of gigantic wine goblets. I mean these things are MAMMOTH. They are so distracting as the two of them try to gesticulate and kiss and stuff that I can’t watch anything else. I just know someone’s going to spill something somewhere. Must be the parent in me, huh?

Jake tells her he’s looking for his “best friend in the whole world” and Jake’s best friends back home feel a little shafted I would imagine (“Dude! You are still totally my Number One! I just said that for the show! Man code!”) Vienna tells us that her mom and stepdad are the most in-love couple she’s ever known, Jake answers back that “there are no words to describe it” and then there’s a long, awkward pause and then they make out for a bit.

“I relate to a lot of the things she’s saying. Vienna continues to surprise me,” Jake tells us after the locking of lips. “She is absolutely here for the right reasons.” (which is another tired, overused cliché already on this show. Thanks a LOT Rozlyn, for ruining it for the rest of us Little Miss “I wasn’t here for the right reasons!”)

Back at the girls’ mansion, the fake doorbell sound happens and the girls are excited to find out who will be going on the group date this week. Ella (the hairdresser with bad hair on the first episode, but who’s getting prettier and prettier as the series is continuing) laments that “I still haven’t had any date with Jake.”

One of the other girls who has no storyline so far this season (Kathryn? Jessie? Who the hell ARE they, anyway?) tells the group that Corrie (Sarah Jessica Parker-y), Elizabeth (football girl who won’t let Jake kiss her), Ali (canary yellow girl whose luster is starting to rub off a bit), Tenley (former Disney princess/very bendy), Jessie (I know, I know…who?), Kathryn (not even registering on the radar as being on this show), and Crazy Michelle have all been selected for this next group date.

In true date card form, Jake poses a conundrum for the ages: “Love is no laughing matter – or is it?”

Michelle sits there twirling her hair and looking generally pissed that she isn’t going on the one-on-one date with Jake. Jake and Vienna are still out on their date, and the girls are eagerly waiting to see that he’s dumped her while this scene unfolds. Sweet, doe-eyed Tenley tells the girls, “I’m thinking he’s going to see what the girls in the house are seeing in Vienna and she’s not going to return,” and again we wonder, “What did she do?! Tell us, please, so we can hate her too!”

Cut back to Jake and Vienna getting into a hot tub on their date. They laugh about how scared they were and then Jake suddenly realizes that he needs another excuse to walk around in a swimsuit with no shirt on, and so he tells Vienna he forgot something. He gets himself out of the tub, walks inside to pick up the rose, and brings it back outside – although this time it’s not shoved down his butt crack, so I’m thinking things are going to go better for Vienna than they did for Rozlyn last week. He gives Vienna the rose, and she of course accepts it happily. They kiss again (no tongue).

Then Vienna goes off the deep end with her love for Jake. “I’m on Cloud Jake right now!” she enthuses. "I can’t describe it in words. I’m having the best time of my life!” (Really? Better than zip lining with your petrified dad who buys you too many cars?) “Jake’s my Prince Charming. He’s it. He’s the real thing! Today is the best day of my life so far, but the best day ever will be when I marry Jake!” and we sense that Vienna is about to suffer some sort of setback. Whenever people get too cocky on this show, they are about to be nailed by other contestants or dumped.

We find out that Vienna is going to have to face the other girls, and it ain’t gonna be pretty. She comes back in the house and the girls are shocked Jake didn’t dump her. Ali especially is gaping open-mouthed and my Dislike Meter for her is starting to ratchet up a bit. “I’m a little shooken (sic) up that she came home at all,” she tells us. Bad grammar. Ali is fading fast for me.

The girls ask her how the date went, and Vienna says she doesn’t kiss and tell, which visibly pisses them all off even though Vienna just told them that she and Jake kissed. Sheesh, ladies, what more do you want?

We come back from an ad to find the ladies who are part of the group date meeting Jake outside somewhere. Jake tells them that on their date they will be going to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in Universal City. I notice that Michelle has feathery hair now because I notice things like that. And what is it with trotting out tired, old acts this season? First Chicago and now Jon Lovitz? In Hollywood there was not ONE other more current comedian that we like better who could have done this segment? Ellen DeGeneres did The Bachelor a few seasons ago and now all they can score is Jon Lovitz? What gives?

Jake and the girls go inside the club and meet Jon Lovitz and we get to hear his list of major credits, which only takes about 15 seconds. I remember now that he is one of the few people who’s ever been on Saturday Night Live whose characters have never made me truly laugh out loud. Him and Joe Piscapo. The girls all whoop when they hear his credits and generally effuse too much since in their eyes he’s a big Hollywood celebrity. What they don’t realize is that Jake is a WAY huger celebrity than Jon is right now. When you Google Jon’s name you get just over 333,000 hits. When you Google Jake’s you get over 3,000,000. Compare the hits and do the math. Who’s bigger?

Jon tells the girls that there is going to be a comedy show tonight and that the girls are going to “be the show”. Cut to Elizabeth looking all freaky and scared and saying, “This date is scaring the crap out of me. I’m freaking out right now!” We start to see more of a hint of Elizabeth’s crazy eyes here. Another closet crazy about to come out? Let’s wait and see.

Jon brings the girls to the back to start writing their bits and proclaims to them all in true “I’m an old, yucky guy who’s used to getting sweet young things into my bed because I’m famous” form: “Ladies, my face is up here.” So gross. What a slime ball.

We cut back to the mansion and the fake, sad doorbell sound can only mean one thing – the last Date Card of the night. We know it’s for a one-on-one date, but who will score the coveted alone time with Jake? It’s Ella! And she’s super excited! And she splays her fingers out and says something about “spirit fingers”! And she has a giant, red flower attacking the right side of her head!

They all swoon as Jake’s words are read: “Let’s lift off to another world.” Wow! I get it! Jake is a pilot and lifting off is..oh…nevermind…

At this point, Vienna takes it upon herself to tell the group of girls what an amazing man Jake is and how great her date was. OK, I’m beginning to see a little bit of why the ladies don’t like her. Gia tells us: “Vienna doesn’t know when to shut up. She stole Ella’s moment. Everyone’s just tired of hearing about her date with Jake.” Then Gia throws a bitchy head bob look at the camera. I get why they don’t like Vienna now, but it still doesn’t explain what made them hate her before this conversation happened. And by the way, Gia wins for most unrecognizable outside of her make-up. I keep having to stop the episode tonight, ask, “Who is that?!”, and then realize that it is Gia.

Back at the comedy club, Jon Lovitz is giving the girls advice about writing their jokes. “Set up the punch line,” he tells them. “Be yourself!” Which, by the way, are both pieces of advice I could have given the girls and I’m not a comedian. “It was so helpful that Jon Lovitz was there!” one girl says. I’m shaking my head right now.

Ashleigh (the one who kinda looks like Kyra Sedgwick and has also had zero storylines this season except for one scene in a smokin’ hot bikini) now starts crying. She’s nervous to go up on stage. She’s not sure why, but she’s breaking down on the inside. “I have a great poker face, but something came over me,” she tells the camera. “I’m just like this nervous girl who can’t be funny. I’m clearly like not happy right now.” Um…clearly. Do I detect a smoker’s voice on ol’ Asheligh? It’s deeper and raspier than I would expect.

In response to the meltdown, Corrie tells us, “The funniest chick in the house is crying right now,” which is interesting since we haven’t heard Ashleigh say one funny thing all season. Why even throw in a comment like that?

They are almost ready for their show when Jon drops a bombshell on them that we didn’t see coming at all (read that again, but in a snide, sarcastic tone, OK?). They are going to be performing in front of a REAL, LIVE audience! Ali waxes eloquent and tells us, “My stomach, like, sank.” Then we realize that Jon’s version of “live” may be different from ours as a whole herd of very senior senior citizens begins to file in wearing really bad button-down short-sleeved shirts in all sorts of loud, crazy colors and prints.

This whole comedy show is a wonderful example of how the producers manipulate us. I look at the venue, and can plainly see that they have only set up a few rows of chairs up close to the front. The club is definitely not full. And how much do you want to bet that the crowd watching the show was all plants from the producers? They would have to be, right? If any Joe Schmo came off the street to watch the show, they could go right back out and blog about which girls were still left, etc. which would ruin the show. So I’m sure the producers hand-selected people for the audience and made them sign away their firstborns (or in this case their condo in Boca) if they peeped a word of what went on at the show anywhere else.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth is still freaking out (“I can’t even come up with a knock knock joke right now!”) and Ashleigh is still crying and playing with her hair. Cut to commercial.

Back at the comedy club, the girls are all sitting on stools upstairs looking down on the stage and the audience. Jon Lovitz is on stage now and reminds us right off the bat why we haven’t really seen or heard of him since the late 80’s. “You might know me by my stage name – J. Lo.” (Get it? Like we call Jennifer Lopez J. Lo too? I’m just keeping you up to speed here, folks.) He starts off with that wham-zinger of a joke and then leads into a story about having to perform before an all-male stripper revue in Vegas once. “They were called the Thunder from Down Under, and I asked them why they named themselves after my crotch.” Rim shot and fake laugh track edited in since the old people in the audience are either offended by the joke or don’t get it. Oh how the mighty have fallen…

Ali is up first, and right away I notice that her wardrobe choices have changed. She’s in a tight-fitting tank top that doesn’t leave much to the imagination. She’s overly-giggly and we get to hear her tell two lame jokes. I don’t write down the one whose punch line is, “I’m a little elementary,” but when I hear the Disney reference in the second one, I have some hope. “Why did Tigger look in the toilet?” she asks the audience. Insert sounds of crickets (or as Ali calls them: grasshoppers) here. “He was looking for Pooh!” is the response, and we all groan.

The next girl is one of those nameless Kathryn/Jessie girls who I can’t keep track of and she tells some joke about her family being so fat that she can’t “even tell they are Greek,” thereby offending not only Greeks, but people who are overweight everywhere.

Next we see poor Tenley on the stage doing some sort of contortionist act for the crowd. I’m not sure how it relates to stand-up comedy, but the shots of the crowd show them in stitches so we must have missed something truly hilarious. I’m sure the Walt Disney Company also appreciated seeing her in that compromising position. Princess indeed! (Mary Poppins voice). I also flinch because at this point I still think she’s preggers and probably shouldn’t be doing those moves in her state.

Elizabeth takes the stage next and gets bleeped twice during her jokes. Now I’m officially convinced that it’s going to be a long night for the Courtney Cox look-alike. She was all sweet and sporty at the start of the show, but tonight she’s borderline raunchy. How did she do a 180 from “I won’t let you kiss me!” sweet girl to stand-up potty mouth so quickly?

Kathryn asks Jake to join her up on stage. Once he’s there she asks him to get closer and closer to her until he’s finally so close that he gives her a quick kiss on the lips. “I just want to see how those lips taste. There is no punch line!” she tells the crowd and thus seals her fate as a vapid no one on this show who will never make it to the end. No storylines and no brains = no ring at the end. How do you see a taste, anyway?

During this scene, we get shots of Crazy Michelle scowling down at the stage from the balcony. “When I finally kiss Jake it will definitely be long and passionate, soft, crazy, tongue in your mouth, going crazy with the pulling hair or whatever you know ripping the clothes off,” she tells us in a Schwarzeneggerian grammar style. “I have something up my sleeve that will get his attention. It will blow the other women out of the water,” she tells us, and we know this is gonna be good.

Michelle gets up and asks the crowd if they know why there are no coconuts on the fake palm trees on either side of the stage. No one answers because no one cares. “Anybody?” she asks in true “Buehler?” form. Still no response. Flash to Jake back up in the balcony with a deep look of concern, “Where is this chick going with all of this?” his face seems to say.

Jake’s concern is founded when we hear that the reason why there are no coconuts on the trees is because, “They’re on me, waiting for Jake.” Cut to a shot of Crazy tapping the microphone on her boobs and cut to a shot of me realizing that Michelle doesn’t have much to be tapping in the first place. THAT’S her big joke? Her follow-up is even worse. “I’ve never been golfing, before, but I’m waiting for that hole to get my one-on-one…” Priceless shot of Jake looking flabbergasted. “Is this chick for real?” his face says. We hear lots of fake ooo’ing and booing sounds and Crazy Michelle’s set is done, thank God. Even Jon Lovitz is speechless.

Crying, scared Ashleigh is supposed to go next, but she’s too freaked so they skip over her and go right to Corrie. She does a funny job of imitating some of the girls as they “really” are in the house. “Hi! I’m Tenley! I love to work out! I’m obsessed!” She imitates Kathryn and has to be bleeped a bunch. Apparently invisible Kathryn has quite the potty mouth too. Tenley portrays Vienna as “screamy” and shakes her boobs around a lot while talking about long, blonde hair extensions, showing off her boobs, talking crap about all the other girls in the house, and how no one wants to be her friend. Again, I wonder why we haven’t seen Vienna actually doing much of this yet. What gives?

Cut to Jake who is worried that the girls are all making fun of Vienna, the girl he liked a lot and just shared an upside-down kiss with. “That worries me a bit,” he says.

Scared Ashleigh miraculously rebounds at the end and gets on the stage to tell three blonde jokes. She’s blonde, so I guess that’s OK, right? They are lame and she reminds me of Julia Roberts now for some reason. Kinda brash mixed with trying to be sweet too. For those who need a joke at their next gathering, here they are in full:

1. How do blonde brain cells die? Alone
2. What did the blonde get on her SAT? A coffee stain.
3. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Write “Please turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper.

Hi-lar-i-OUS!

Ashleigh tells us that she is “very relieved and I loved it because I just gave my all!” and Jake tells us that she “absolutely blew me away tonight.” If that’s all it takes to blow him away, Jake needs loftier goals in life. They were blonde jokes, Jake. You can find them on the Internet. Make her tell you how many men she’s slept with. THAT will blow you away…

After the commercial break, we see that the group date has moved from the comedy club to the very posh-looking and pink-and-blue-neon lit Franklin Hotel in Hollywood. Jake takes Tenley aside first for some alone time, and she says she’s nervous. “He still doesn’t know anything about me,” she worries (Except that she’s very flexible. I’m guessing a guy like Jake doesn’t forget that, right?)

Those of us who have been reading the Facebok fan page and seen the ads on TV know that this is going to be the time when Tenley admits she’s pregnant. That rumor has been going around for a while now. She says she has something to tell Jake that she’s scared to talk about. “It’s unfair that I have to tell a man” this information, she tells us. We’re all set for the big baby-mama drama, but instead she tells Jake that she was married, her husband cheated on her with someone who was important to her, and that the cheating guy is the only guy she’s ever “been” with. And I go, “Huh? That’s it?! Where’s the story of the unplanned pregnancy and Jake’s doltish reaction to it? But we were duped. Another manipulation by the editors, no doubt.

Why is Tenley so upset by telling Jake this? “Sorry I have a story to tell,” she gushes wistfully. It’s like she thinks she’s damaged goods because of a creep who broke her heart. She’s being over-sensitive about telling Jake, though. He’s already heard tales of eloping and cheating roommates. Not much is going to ruffle his feathers.

Jake says that Tenley’s admission makes him like her more. She goes in to hug him, but then says, “I don’t want to get lipstick marks on you.” Then they hug a bunch and she says a lot of stuff that’s muffled by the fact that her mike is pressed up against Jake’s pecs. “Mmmm…you smell good,” she tells Jake.

Ashleigh/Kyra Sedgwick, but kinda Julia Roberts with a smoker’s voice is up next, and she wastes no time in telling Jake that Vienna is definitely not the girl for him. “If that is what he likes, then he definitely will not like me,” she says. She tells Jake that girls were “upset and livid” that Vienna stayed after the one-on-one date. Jake is confused and asks the camera afterwards, “What is it that I’m not seeing (in Vienna)? She’s the controversial figure in the house and bless her heart she’s not even here to defend herself on the date.” Bless her heart? What 29-year-old guy says that? Jake has all of a sudden become an 87-year-old grandmother in the blink of an eye.

We cut back to the mansion and the fan is about to be hit big time. The girls are having it out in the living room. Gia tells Vienna that no one wants drama, and that she’s been the only one in the house to defend her. Vienna tells her she doesn’t really know what Jake wants (Um…duh…a wife?). Gia tells her that no one wants to even sleep in the same room with her. Vienna tells Gia, “You are as fake as can be!” and then walks out of the room saying, “Every girl in this house is fake!”

The word fake gets used a lot on this show, and I’m never quite sure what anyone means by it. Fake like they don’t really want Jake they just want exposure for their acting careers fake? Fake like plastic surgery/spray tan fake? Fake like not acting like the way they act outside of the house fake? Because every girl who has ever been on this show is guilty of all those kinds of fakery. So no one girl can cast any stones.

We see Vienna upstairs alone and sad in her bedroom writing a letter to Jake. We never get to see what it says, though. I’m sure it was full of words like “fake”, “absolutely”, and “journey” though. “I am here for Jake,” she tells us between the tears.

We go back to the hotel group date now and it’s Ali’s turn. She’s worried because she hasn’t had any time alone with Jake since their cool Chicago-out-in-a-field twinkly light date. “Did he change his mind about me?” she wonders. Her mind is put at ease, though, when Jake tells her that he felt a lot of chemistry with her and that it was “one of the best dates I’ve had ever.” Ali breathes a sigh of relief and then instantly starts to throw Vienna under the bus by saying that she was hurt when Vienna came home and that the two girls are “fundamentally different”. The girls are cattier earlier on this season, and we’re loving it! Am I right?

Jake kisses Ali and then tells us a big, fat lie when he says: “I’m not a serial dater. I don’t have more than one girlfriend at a time,” when he clearly has six or seven girlfriends waiting for him back on the patio.

Ali gets back to the group and proposes a toast to Corrie, who tore it up imitating the girls back at the comedy club. Everyone toasts except for Michelle. They call her out on it, but she doesn’t seem to care. She tells us, “It’s about me. I’m ready to get married and give my mom another grandbaby. Everyone in my family says it’s my turn. Not that I’m desperate, but I’ll be there at the end for sure!” Which makes us all feel a bit superior since we can plainly see that she IS desperate, and we definitely know that she WON’T be there at the end. No way, no how.

We come back from the commercial break and Ali is giving Michelle advice about one-on-one time with Jake. “I hope you’re able to open up. Jake wants that,” she advises. Michelle takes the advice as criticism and says Ali’s attacking her. Ali says she’s not. Crazy Michelle tells us, “I didn’t leave everything to have play time,” which is supposed to let us know that she’s serious about being there and has sacrificed a lot to be on the show, and no one else has. “Jake really needs to see that side of her,” invisible Jessie says, and Elizabeth tells the group that, “We all came here to find love.” Michelle says her brother has love and her mom wants grandkids and then walks away. Bitter party of one, please?

Obviously, Michelle has some family issues that are bubbling up as part of this process. Sounds like pressure from Mom to be popping out those babies ASAP, competition with bro, who apparently already has started his wife popping, and criticism from the girls here. It’s all part of a delicious Bachelor recipe that I can’t wait to sample.

Now it’s Crazy’s turn for some one-on-one time with Jake. She tells him she’s been emotional and crying, which I’m guessing isn’t really what a guy wants to hear from his date. Hey Michelle! Here’s a suggestion. Why not start off with, “It’s really great to see you again! Nice hair!” or even something like, “Vienna is a bitch!” like the other girls did. But no. Michelle is going to go for the full-on crazy here.

“I’m not overly emotional or dramatic. I’m honestly in love 100%. And I just feel that I’m the only person that is really truly here for that reason. I just really want a husband.” And Jake’s crazy sensors are finally kicking into high gear. His face is changing and his body language is removed and guarded.

“I believe you,” Jake answers back in one of the funnier, more ironic moments of this episode. The look on his face says it all. He knows she’s 100% certifiable grade-A nutso now.

Michelle’s eyes suddenly get all half-lidded and I think, “Is that supposed to be her sexy come hither look?” She adds to the awkwardness by asking Jake, “Would it be awkward if I could kiss you to see if I really feel something?” And of course it would be. That’s why the cameras are rolling and on full-on close-up right now.

She puts her lips over his and encircles his lips while they kiss. His mouth is closed. “You gotta give me something more than that! I feel that we do have a connection. Not being able to really kiss you hurts me,” she complains, but the damage is done. From across the way, the other ladies notice that Jake and Crazy have kissed, but they also notice Jake’s body language now.

Jake heaves a big sigh and lowers his head, and Crazy asks him why he has his head down. “I’m almost ready for this night to be over. I need to digest,” is his answer. Which, again, is something I’m sure everyone wants to hear after their first kiss – digestion and nights ending. Such a romantic, that Jake. “I can’t stay!” Michelle answers back. Because Heaven forbid that Jake didn’t make smoochy smoochy with her and fireworks didn’t go off for her too!

Then Michelle tells Jake, “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay,” thus putting the burden on him to decide whether she stays or goes, even though she has just said she will leave. “I think it would be better if you did leave,” Jake answers her, and finally Crazy’s bluff has been called. He walks her past the other girls, who are staring open-mouthed, helps her get her purse, and then escorts her out to an ugly lime-green taxi van. No limo for our Crazy Michelle. She goes out in an ugly taxi van.

While she’s waiting for the taxi to pull up, we get some choice interview lines from her. Here’s a sampling:

-“Everybody felt…certain people felt I was THE girl!” (love how she changed the subject quickly on that one)
-“He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue!” (except that she had suggested leaving first)
-“I wanted to kiss him, not him giving me a kiss like he gave me a peck. What is that all about?” (Um…Michelle? It’s about you being creepy and you having your lips in a perfect circle around the outside of his. That’s gross. People don’t like that.)

She rubs her neck a lot (another sure sign of crazy on this show) and then gets in one more pot shot at Jake: “I just can’t believe you’re doing it! I didn’t think it would be this way. This is stupid!” she yells, implying that the decision was all his to make after she herself has just said that she should leave. Jake tells us that “love is a two-way street and she just didn’t know how to get there,” which is weird, but we sort of get what he means when it comes to Michelle.

And so we bid a fond adieu to the first crazy of the season. We will miss Michelle’s menacing scowls, her complete and utter lack of reality, and her too-too-funny coconut jokes.

Jake comes back to the rest of the girls and they fake “ooo” and “ahh” when he tells them that Michelle is gone for good. They just saw it all play out in front of them. “The moment I see that someone is not the one for me, we don’t have to wait for a Rose Ceremony,” he tells them ominously. He also tells them that this isn’t the rock star after-party he had hoped for and that he won’t be handing out a rose tonight to anyone. Ali says she’s happy he dumped Michelle. “That takes a strong, confident man,” she says.

We come back from the break and it’s a new day. We get canned shots of the sun rising from all angles. Ella’s one-on-one with Jake is today. It’s her big day, and she’s wearing a big, bangly, beady green necklace to celebrate. She says she feels like it’s her wedding day and she can’t wait to see her groom. Yuck. How do they get the women to say lines like this when they barely know this guy?

Jake arrives and says that since it was her birthday the other day, that he has a “special date full of fun and surprises”. Those of us who read the spoiler sites know that this date was not intended for Ella at all originally. The producers originally set this date up to be for Rozlyn and her son, but since she got canned off the show the week before, they shifted the date over to Ella since she has a kid about the same age.

Another helicopter swoops down and whisks them away to their secret destination which we all know already will be Sea World since they’ve shown it a million times in those “Up next!” segues they do between ads. Ella shows us her two sides by at first telling Jake, “Let’s see what this baby can do!” as they ascend in the copter, but then telling us, “I am going to let him know the person that I am. The woman. The mother. I want him to know everything about me.” Which I don’t think anyone wants to know all in one date. There’s such a thing as too much, Ella. Don’t let that bite you in the butt, OK?

Back home, Vienna tells us that no one slept in her room last night. She knows some girls are jealous of her, but she’s going to be the bigger person. She sits with the group and apologizes to them and tells them she needs to do a better job of respecting how they feel. Gia even gives her a hug and it feels all warm and fuzzy.

Then newly-bitched-out Ali jumps in and tells Vienna that she appreciates the apology (which means she doesn’t really), and then tells her, “I wasn’t upset that Jake went on a one-on-one date. I was upset that it was with YOU!” and that she told Jake that same thing. Vienna tells her she just came there to apologize, but Ali tells her that every girl in the house has felt the need to walk away from Vienna at one point or another. Ouch. C’mon, Ali. Really? What has Vienna done to you personally?

Ashleigh chimes in by telling us that Vienna “just wanted a quick fix” and that “anyone can apologize, but there are some serious questions.” And again I ask, “What are those questions? Why are we STILL not getting any background on why they all hate Vienna so much?”

We cut back to Jake and Ella cruising in their copter down to San Diego. He tells her that they are going to Sea World and she answers with, “I love dolphins!” Poor, sweet Ella.

They walk under the entranceway to the park and there’s a big “Welcome Jake and Ella!” banner plastered over them. Wow…what planning and forethought on the show’s part, huh? I can just see the flunkie staffer who had to rush to Kinkos to replace the “Welcome Jake and Rozlyn!” sign with that new one. That’s someone’s actual job, folks.

Jake tells her he has a birthday present for her, and of course we fans of the show know that it’s going to be her son, Ethan. And sure enough here he comes sneaking up next to her and she’s surprised and teary. It’s a big lovefest and Jake introduces himself. He wants to know if she’s surprised, but she shouldn’t be if she saw Stephanie and her kid on Jason’s season pull the exact same surprise. It’s old hat for us die-hards.

On a more serious note here, I think it’s always weird when they bring kids on to this show. It’s like the kids on those Super Nanny programs. I always wonder how the other kids treat them when they get back to school the next day after the show has aired. “Hey Ethan! Did you have fun hanging out with your mom’s new boyfriend who pretended to like you and who’s dating a bunch of other women?” What does a kid say to all of that?

OK…back to the real show.

The three of them do the park and watch the polar bears, hang with the penguins, and swim with dolphins (how fun did THAT look?) Did any of you notice Ella’s clothes changing with the scenes? Originally she had on a blue dress that was short and tall thigh-high-ish boots. Then for some reason in the polar bear house she had on a reddish/orange tube top. Were these scenes filmed over more than one day? Methinks we are victims of the editors yet again. That, or Ella dressed in layers.

They have a picnic and Ella is back in her blue dress. Jake gives Ethan a balsa wood airplane which Ethan proceeds to throw in the air. They all watch it do a straight nosedive into the ground. We wonder if that’s a metaphor for how the date will go, but it’s not. They all seem to have a good time and Jake pretends to be a father and does fatherly things with Ethan like lift him up to get his plane and stomp around with penguins.

Those of you who remember Stephanie from Jason’s season (you know…alabaster Nicole Kidman creepy too-tight skin? Southern belle? Too sweet and saccharine-y? Yeah…that one…) will be doing double-takes at Ella since they seem to be almost twins in terms of personality. Ella calls Jake “an angel” and says, “He looks like he could be Ethan’s daddy!” These were all the same things Stephanie did, and we know how far it got her. Not looking too good for Ella. Girls with no edge come up empty on this show. She needs to be less “down home” if she wants to win this.

They ditch Ethan by putting him into some random SUV with a frowsy blonde in the front passenger seat and then get some alone time. Cuz it’s kinda creepy to be mackin’ with your lady when her son is sitting right there crashing the balsa wood airplane you just gave him symbolically into the ground. They both agree it was a wonderful day, and Jake gives her the rose while a whole flock of flamingoes starts to drown them out in the background. They kiss, and I swear I see Jake’s tongue come out of his mouth for a quick bit. Anyone else catch that? Or am I making it up?

The fact that she got the rose surprises me since the spoiler sites were saying she got dumped on this date. I heave a heavy sigh that I probably can’t trust the spoiler sites AGAIN this season. What fun is THAT?! Cut to commercial.

Next, Jake arrives to the cocktail party. He tells us that it’s an intense night and that he can feel that intensity in the air.

First off, he takes Elizabeth/Courtney Cox aside for some alone time. She has told him that she wants him to respect her wishes that he not kiss her unless she’s ”the one”. “I do want to kiss you,” she tells him but now she’s asking him if he gives good backrubs and is bummed that she’s wearing a dress that’s not really conducive to Jake’s good backrubs. Jake calls her “The Queen of Mixed Signals” and we laugh that it finally seems like he’s about to call her out on this whole “don’t kiss me but do you want to kiss me?” thing. Enough is enough.

“You’re very confusing. You’ve a lot of different sides,” Jake tells her, which is Bachelor speak for, “I think you’re nuts!” Then he basically calls her a tease and calls her out on the fact that if she’s not holding off on the kissing for spiritual reasons, then what reason does she have? Go Jake! Ferret out those crazies!

As all of this back and forth is going on, we suddenly see Vienna on the sidelines standing there watching like a creepy chaperone. Elizabeth suddenly realizes that she is about to have her date interrupted just as she was called out as being a tease, and so she shouts, “Hold on! We’re not ready yet!” But Jake lets Vienna come over.

Sad, pissed-off Elizabeth joins the other girls on the couch. “I’m mad! I didn’t know if he needed me to kiss him tonight to give me a rose! He wanted me to kiss him and he thought I was sending him mixed signals. I’m shocked by this conversation tonight! He doesn’t understand me. He’s confused by me.” Poor, misunderstood, it’s-your-own-damned-fault, kiss-less Elizabeth.

And there you go. Our third official crazy of the season. If this girl says one more contradictory thing, I’m gonna dump her myself. “Don’t kiss me! Do you want to kiss me? If I let you kiss me, will you give me a rose?” Just get out already. We’re sick of you and your Courtney Cox ways.

Now Vienna is crying to Jake that the other girls are ganging up on her. Jake doesn’t seem to care. “I saw what I needed to see on our date,” he reassures her. Vienna tells us, “I’m head over heels for him right now. Jake is perfect. He’s perfect for me. He’s NOT perfect for all the other girls.”

So I’m guessing the fact that Vienna cut in on Elizabeth’s date even though she was already holding a rose pissed off more than a few people who watched. I don’t think it was a particularly bad thing to do. It’s a game and she’s trying to stand out and win. But I do see now a little bit of why the other girls are hating on her.

Vienna gets reminded that there are some girls who haven’t had any one-on-one time with Jake yet and that she’s selfish for taking up their time. I say screw ‘em. Vienna got there first. If you don’t want to be invisible on this show, then stand out like she does. OK…off my soapbox now.

Now Elizabeth is crying. For some random reason she tells us, “I’m not just vanilla. I’m all colors of the rainbow!” which is either a really random way of telling us she has more than one side, or a subtle way of telling us she’s a total sex kitten. Elizabeth gets herself all worked up over the fact that she got interrupted with Jake still not “getting” her, and she gets up and rushes past Vienna to the bathroom and slams the door. Vienna is clueless about what has just gone on.

Ali gets mean and says, “I don’t think anyone likes Vienna,” and then tells Vienna to her face that same fact, just in different words.

We cut back to an interview with Elizabeth where she’s going all crazy saying things like, “I’m not just some fish in a pond waiting for some hook. I’m 29 years old! I can get a date any day of the week!” which makes us wonder why then she is on a dating show. But I don’t want to open that can of worms with her. She’ll probably want me not to kiss her or something.

Elizabeth is now back from the ladies’ room and is chatting with Jake again. She admits that she’s been dangling the kissing like a carrot, but wants to talk about it more. She hopes Jake keeps her around so they can find out where this all goes. If Jake is smart, he’s already turned her picture upside-down in his mind. We think he might be catching on to her more when he tells us, “I don’t think that Elizabeth has quite figured herself out yet. I think that Elizabeth is scared. And I feel like if she controlled the situation that it would be less painful.” Which is a total dis that Elizabeth is a control freak who is out of control. Go, Jake!

As they go to break, Elizabeth says to the camera, “I feel like I have so much to offer Jake. I would really be surprised and hurt and shocked if I didn’t get a rose tonight,” which is the death knell for our crazy girl Elizabeth. Nice to know ya, sweetie but you’re outta there guaranteed.

(Side note…during the commercial break, there’s an ad for the season premiere of Lost and I do a little dance in my seat. Now back to our regularly scheduled program…)

When we come back to the show, we get an exterior shot of the mansion, and it makes me wonder. Why are the driveways of all of these houses always wet like there was just a rainstorm? And why are there neon blue lights surrounding the edges of the rounded windows? Enquiring minds want to know.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, but first Jake has to think in the room with all of the photos. He holds Elizabeth’s picture and says, “There is a whole lot more drama in this house than I am seeing.” Must suck to be Elizabeth tonight, huh?

He walks in to where the girls are all waiting for him and tells them that the only thing getting him through this tough evening is knowing that his wife is standing with him in this room tonight. He says that a lot, doesn’t he?

The first rose goes to Gia, and we get a shot of Elizabeth looking sad. Corrie, who did all the imitations of the girls at the comedy club, gets the next rose. Tenley is next and we hope to have her stop the festivities to announce she’s pregnant, but it is not to be. Curses. Foiled by the producers again!

Ali gets the next rose, and we cut to a shot of Vienna closing her eyes at the news. Elizabeth now has a defiant look on her face.

Jessie (all together now…”WHO?!”) gets the next rose while Elizabeth puts on her best fake, “I’m really happy for you” smile. Kathryn is next and we don’t know her at all so we don’t care.

Now there’s only one rose left, which means either Crazy Elizabeth, smoker’s voice Ashleigh/Kyra Sedgwick, or Valishia who gave Jake dirt are going to be out tonight.

There’s a dramatic pause and the last rose goes to….Ashleigh! Elizabeth and Valishia are out. Valishia wishes him the best and then tells us in her exit interview that she’s used to things not going her way. Then she breaks down and starts crying, and we kinda feel sorry for her. Someone needs to give that girl a lesson in first impressions. Dirt is obviously not the way to go. Did anyone else notice her profession? It said “Homemaker”. How does one go about being a single homemaker? How do you support yourself? Makes me wonder if Jake got worried that it would be up to him to support her all the way and he didn’t like that thought.

Next Elizabeth says goodbye to Jake. “I should have kissed you!” she says at the end all sexy and flirty, which just makes things that much worse and more awkward. She should have left well enough alone and made a graceful exit. In her exit interview she says, “I just feel like I have an idea of who he is and what kind of man he is,” (isn’t that the same thing?) “I felt like we were advancing as a couple. It hurt my feelings. Of course it hurt my feelings. So what’s done is done.” And with that, Elizabeth is gone too. I bet the first guy who catches her on the rebound is in for some serious making out, right? She’s not gonna make that same mistake twice!

On the previews for next week we see that the girls are going to be taking a road trip in an RV and that they all still hate Vienna. We see the scene where Jake throws a rose into the fire and wonder what THAT’S all about (unless we’ve read the spoiler sites, which now I admit could be wrong. Bummer!)

Lastly, we watch the credits roll while we see Jake up on the stage back in the comedy club. He’s listing off his “Top Reasons You Know You’re The Bachelor” and some of them are actually kind of funny: “When every girl you ask on a date says yes.” and “You spend more time in a hot tub than anywhere else.” and “The only other man you see in weeks is Chris Harrison.” But then he goes and ruins it all by being pukey and saying, “Your biggest dream of finding true love is about to come true.” Bleah!

If you stayed with this entry this far, I thank you. I know it’s kind of pathetic that I write this much about a reality show, but hey…it’s fun for me. This stuff is a nice, temporary reprieve from the realities of life and the world. I hope you find something fun, funny, or entertaining here too. Leave me a comment and let me know you made it this far! Catch you next week, Bachelor fans!