The Best (and Worst) of "The Women Tell All"

Howdy Bachelor fans! I thought that I would change things up a bit for this update. Instead of the play-by-play action that I usually do, I thought it might be more fun to turn this into a “Best and Worst Of” list about last night’s The Women Tell All. And wasn’t there a lot they told? So without further ado, I present…

“The Best (and Not So Best) of The Women Tell All”

Worst Repeat of a Line that We Would Have Been OK Never Hearing Again:

Elizabeth asking Jake if he wants to make out with her forehead. Why did we need to see THAT so many times? It creeped us out the first time it aired, but this time just caused dry heaves. And NO ONE likes those.

Worst Idea for A Volunteer Opportunity Ever:

Having has-been Bachelors and Bachelorettes paint things with fifth graders. What elementary school parent in their right mind would actually invite these curvy-swervy women and dumb-as-a-stump men who are totally inappropriately dressed into their child’s school? What’s the benefit here? I know that it’s to make the coastside prettier, but really…lifeguard mural painting with Deanna? There was no better opportunity these parents could have signed their kids up for? I guess the show is recruiting even at the younger ages. Who knows? Somewhere in the midst of those little artists could be a budding Jillian or Jake. That little kid at the end who darted out and gave Deanna the rose, then sped off sure had the right idea, huh?

Best Cameo Appearance by a Former Contestant:

Seeing Juan (the guy they all hated on Jill’s season) doling out food to the needy in LA. How out of place did he look? And I noticed he was the only guy in that group too. He tried to butch it up a bit by telling us, “Giving back to the community is absolutely part of Man Code. I gotta live up to it,” but it just came off as sounding kinda sad and pathetic. He is destined to always be “one of the ladies” (which, by the way Juan, was my problem too until I cracked open that closet door and saw the bright, beautiful, gay world outside. Just sayin’…)

Best Cameo Appearance by a Current Contestant:

Channy! ‘Nuff said…

Worst “WTF?” Moment:

The montage of “Bachelor Gives Back” segments where they showed Chris Harrison giving Ellen a $10,000 check for Haiti and giving a school in St. Lucia lots of swag for their classrooms. What was THAT all about? I mean, I’m all for helping out others, but this is The Bachelor, people. It’s not like they fund-raised or anything. I think they saw what happens over on American Idol and decided that they had to make themselves more legitimate by giving back something too. But it left me scratching my head. Why do the producers want us to know they are doing all of this? They just showed all of these swingin’ singles taking a sex cruise together, doing body shots off each others’ nipples, and sneaking into each others’ rooms with no birth control. Why would school children in St. Lucia or refugees in Haiti want any part of that at all? Blatant opportunism for no real reason. I call bullsh*t.

Best Recap of the Show:

All of the girls describing Tenley. This could have been the highlight of the season for me so far. Some choice quotes:

“She almost fell out of a Disney movie!”
“She might dream in cartoons!”
and the one that cemented my love for Vienna for all time: “She sh*ts rainbows!” Classic.

Most Overused Editing Device of the Night:

Shrinking everyone down to teensy-sized boxes in the lower left hand corner of the screen so we could watch them suck on their lips and cover their eyes while they watched their happinesses and heartbreaks from the show replay around them.

Biggest Out Loud Laugh from the Audience:

Crazy Michelle saying, “I’m stable!” and Valishia asking back, “Maybe you’re a little emotionally unstable?”

Most Distracting Audience Member:

The heavy-set woman who was always in the background right in between Chris Harrison and whomever he was interviewing. I’m pretty sure she must have been a plant with her knowing nods, her looks of righteous indignation, and her muffled whispers to the woman sitting next to her. At times I watched her more than the person being interviewed. She was far too “on” to be an actual person.

Worst Looking Bachelorette:

TIE:

Elizabeth…What did she do to the color in her hair? She was much prettier with it darker before. She probably hated everyone comparing her to Courtney Cox.

AND

Ali…Someone needed to get that girl some conditioner and a brush. Her hair literally looked like strings falling everywhere. Not a good look for her, especially as she started welling up.

Person Who Was Probably the Happiest by the End of The Show:

Vienna. Even though she wasn’t even there, she had three or four ladies all tell us that she’s really not that bad after all. Ali told us that, “She’s getting trashed in the tabloids. She’s a person!” and Gia echoed that by saying, “She is a good person…”, and what she did on the show, “…doesn’t make her not worthy of love with a good man.” Ashleigh H./Kyra Sedgwick said, “I wish I’d never said that,” after being shown calling Vienna, “…a f***ing white trash trailer whore.” Um, that’s kind of a tough thing to take back after it’s aired on national TV, dontcha think, Ashleigh H./Kyra Sedgwick?

Best “OK We Like You Again…You Are SO the Next Bachelorette” Person:

Duh…Ali. Despite her bad makeover, she was contrite, apologetic, and back to her sweet-as-sugar self. We liked her in the end, but it may get really boring with her in charge next season. We shall see.

Best Cameo by a Fat Bald Guy:

The guy shown escorting Rozlyn to her mark backstage as she says, “I bet that cheering’s not for me!” At first I thought that it was the same guy who watched over Rozlyn packing in that too-funny scene where she was asked to leave the house. But during the credits of the show we found out that the guy doing the watching is actually different (and single, ladies!)

Most Overused Body Language Gesture of the Night:

The oh-so-cliché crossing one shaved, gleaming leg over the other and then bobbing that leg up and down in either nervousness or defensiveness. Which emotion it was depended on whether your name was Rozlyn or if you were any of the other women on the show. Which leads us to…

Best He Said/She Said of The Night:

Chris and Rozlyn’s interview. No brainer here, right? It was juicy and bitter and silly and back and forth the whole time.

First we thought Chris was winning as he smartly primed the other Bachelorettes for info about what they saw Rozlyn doing before she even came out onstage. They railed off a laundry list of indiscretions: – gone at 4AM and Valishia couldn’t find her, making out on the stairs, on all fours and ass in the air in skimpy clothes asking for the producer in question to come find her…really incriminating stuff.

Then the pendulum swung back in Rozlyn’s favor as she calls out the show for not letting them talk to her son. But then we hear Ella and Valishia both tell us that they got to talk plenty with their kids. Ooo…Strike One, Rozlyn.

Then Rozlyn swears on her kid’s life that nothing went on after all the girls have totally called her out on details of what they saw. Wow. Her son’s LIFE? She must be serious here, huh? Unless she’s like that lady Twila on Survivor who also swore on her son’s life, but was really lying. Real “Parent of the Year” material they find for these shows, huh?

Then Ella, Miss “I start to speak hillbilly when I get fired up!” lays into Rozlyn and yells at her, “Do not lie!” Ella’s fixin’ to get all riled up and Rozlyn looks like a deer in the headlights. Chris tells her to get past all of the “unicorns and magicians and stuff” and just tell the simple truth.

My favorite part of this exchange comes next when Rozlyn goes all Batman on Chris and says, “Riddle me this Chris…” and then proceeds to ask him the question I’ve been wondering all night too: If there were all of these naughty trysts occurring in the house between Rozlyn and this “producer” (And by the way…why is HE never named or interviewed? It takes two to pillage Rozlyn on the staircase, right?) how is it that not one camera or microphone couldn’t pick up at least one teensy little sound bite of any of it? I am squarely in Rozlyn’s camp at this point.

Gia calls out Rozlyn when she tells her that she should have, “…just (said) ‘I’m in love with this man’ and give up the show!” Cue indignant audience applause.

Next Chris waxes poetic about the poor, lost soul who is the producer in question. “He was a very dear friend to many,” he tells us all sadly. The lady in the audience in the background nods knowingly in a sympathetic (pathetic?) way.

But Rozlyn has saved the best for last. She’s totally defeated, been called out as a liar with a trashy attitude, and bobbed her slinky, shiny leg up and down long enough. It’s time for the big guns. She sits quietly for a second after Chris finishes his speech about the dearly departed producer and then fires back with:

Best “Oh Snap! Did She Just Say That?!” Line of the Night:

“He says that’s news to him…especially when you were hitting on his wife in New Zealand!”

You gotta give the producers credit for leaving this line in. There are gasps from the audience. Everyone is uncomfortable. Chris finishes off the interview by saying that he won’t dignify that comment with a response and then tells Rozlyn, “I hope truly in my heart (as opposed to his elbow) that you have learned a life lesson. I wish you the best.”

And fade out on Rozlyn, who I know will be appearing soon in a Playboy or soft porn near you. She’s probably totally lying through her teeth, but I somehow like and respect her more now for standing up to Chris. Maybe we’ll see her and her “producer” on the Amazing Race one of these seasons.

Best “Awwww…I Actually Feel Kinda Sorry for You!” Moment:

Gia finally being able to talk to Jake live for the first time since he dumped her. She’s all weepy and emotional and Jake tells her, “You’ll always have a friend, no matter what,” which pretty much cements that he’s not going to pull a Mesnick and come running back to ol’ Gia. She’s done, but it’s all kind of pathetic and we feel sorry for her. She still needs to get the hair off the side of her face though.

Worst “What Were You Thinking?” Moment:

Jake’s new hair color. Why is he going so dark? And he even tinted the eyebrows to match. Anyone want to take odds on whether the curtains match the carpet?

Best “She Would Have Preferred Not Knowing That” Moment:

Christina, when she finds out that she is the one that Jake wishes he got to know better. He also wishes she hadn’t been a sloshy drunk at the swimming pool spouting nonsense and coming on too strong, but that’s all in the past now as Christina wells up at this scintilla of attention that Jake shows her.

Funniest Montage of the Show:

The outtake/blooper reel. How can I pick a favorite moment? There are too many.

We get Jake saying, “self-defecating” instead of “self-deprecating” and asking the interviewer what it means. We get Ali saying, “Super fart” instead of “Super smart”.

Jake hits his head against Ashleigh H’s on their date at the Madonna Inn. He and Ali fall back through pillows in a couch during an intimate moment. Tenley hides in the costume box of designer clothes in San Francisco and scares the roots off of Vienna.

Corrie, the prim and proper virgin, rips a fart with a bunch of girls sitting right next to her and then just laughs it off. We see Christina crying from her exit interview assuring the interviewer that a mouse or rat has just run by. We see a carload of San Francisco lesbians pulling up alongside Jake and Ali on their date and yelling, “The Bachelor! Hell yeah!” in drunk, husky voices.

My favorite moment here, though, is Ella and Jake’s dinner at Sea World, when an entire flock of flamingoes suddenly starts going bonkers and honking and rushing around in the background. Jake and Ella give it the old college try and soldier on with the inane date conversation, but the hubbub behind them becomes too much and they both crack up. They both have to break character and laugh at what’s going on behind them. Ella’s hatred of awkward-looking pink birds is cemented for life.

Worst Continuity Error of the Night:

DJ picked up on this one, and it’s a real doozy. During the outtake reel, we see Chris and Jake waiting out in front of the mansion just before the girls pull up in the limos. Jake is clearly wearing a leather bomber jacket zipped up high with a tie. Then Chris Harrison starts belting out “On the Wings of Love” loudly and in the reaction shot we get of Jake, he’s wearing a regular blazer and a different tie – not the leather bomber jacket. Then when they cut back to the two-shot of them both, Jake is again in the leather jacket. So the moments of that scene were pieced together from lots of different moments. Nothing really happened like that.

Best “Ooo…This TOTALLY Makes Me Want to See Next Week’s Show!” Moment:

Jake’s mom, during the previews for next week’s finale, interrupting the conversation at the dinner table, pointing at Vienna, and shouting at Jake, “Wait! Is this the girl everyone hates?” Slam dunk. Can’t wait to see how he answers that one.

I can’t believe the finale is next week. You all obviously saw that I screwed up last week and they didn’t announce the cast of Dancing with the Stars during this episode. It will be during next week’s show. It looks like Melissa Rycroft is the new co-host, but she may just be the co-host for the announcement of the cast, not for the whole season. We shall see.

So what were YOUR best and worst moments from this week’s “The Women Tell All?” Leave some comments and let us know, and don’t forget to join After the Rose on Facebook. Catch you next week!