Rail Leaning and Bad Edits...Oh My!

It’s getting down to it. Only two more episodes left for this season. Those of you who haven’t been reading the spoiler sites were probably a bit shocked about last night’s outcome, but love is weird, no?

This episode definitely had two main themes – leaning on railings and bad editing/continuity cuts. Let’s get to it all.

We start off the episode and Jake is in beautiful St. Lucia. He’s leaning on the railing outside his hotel room and taking us through the “journey” so far with each of the remaining three girls. We get recap shots of all three of them when they first got out of the limo, their dates with Jake, all their “special moments”. Basically, it’s a way for the producers to fill up two hours tonight. At the end of this big montage, Jake wonders how Ali is doing and if it was all worth it for her.

We conveniently cut to shots of San Francisco. Ali is in bed forlorn, looking horribly sad. She is “still heartbroken without Jake,” she tells us. “My life is without love.” So dramatic. Basically she screwed up. She wants another shot at ol’ Jake the Snake. Her life is in ruins.

Then she really creeps us out as we see that she has an 8 x 10 glossy of Jake on her bedside table and our mind reels with why it could be there. Does she fall asleep every night looking at it and crying? Does she think nasty thoughts? Is it part of some voodoo ritual? Does she wonder what agency took it so she can get a good shot too when she becomes the Bachelorette next season?

Then we get an interview of Ali where the Bay Bridge is directly behind her. Where is she for this? Is this her home? I thought she lived on Russian Hill? Who on Russian Hill has a view like this?

Next we cut to her sitting out on the rocks at The Marina and that weird orange neon light is lighting up the side of her face. She’s decided that she’s going to tell him how she really feels and hopes that he feels the same.

Next we go back to St. Lucia, and more specifically Pigeon Island – which conjures up images of mounds and mounds of bird poop for me. I’m sure it smells great there.

Jake is walking down some rocks and it’s blowing a gale. For the second time tonight he leans against a railing that looks out over a beautiful vista. While he ponders his time with Gia, lo and behold here she comes down another path. She sneaks up behind him, tickles his ribs, makes him jump, but, sadly, does not jump on him and wrap his legs around him like Monkey Girl.

Jake is happy to see her. So happy, in fact, that we see him take off his sunglasses and hang them on the back of his shirt collar. You know…so he can have maximum breast squeezage between him and Gia’s chest. Don’t want those pesky shades gettin’ in the way, right?

Jake and Gia ride a boat to a local market. Jake thinks traveling together is a good way to get to know each other, and I laugh that a 15-minute boat ride is hardly traveling together.

They hit the market and drink out of coconuts and dance to steel drummers. Gia goes semi-racist on us as she proclaims that she’s really getting into the reggae and the “natives”. Jake buys her a necklace as a souvenir and she makes us barf by saying, “I wear my heart on my sleeve for him.”

Our first distracting continuity error occurs during this montage. In some scenes, the lower parts of Jake’s shorts are wet and dripping. In others they just look damp. In others they are bone dry. It’s all out of order. Dry, sopping, wet, dry, sopping, wet. I had to rewind a few times because I found myself staring at his shorts instead of watching the plotline.

For his part, Jake totally calls Gia out on being a Park Avenue princess by telling us, “It’s really nice to see that Gia from New York that has a thousand dollar pair of shoes is very empathetic with people that lay their heart on the line trying to make an honest living out there. That’s endearing.” Ouch. Jake, how do you know her shoes cost $1000? If you know yourself, then you are as materialistic as she is. If she told you, then what are you doing with a woman who brags that her shoes cost $1000?

Jake does weird fist bumps and “Yo bro, what up?” hand shakes with all the local guys, and it’s all vaguely uncomfortable.

Before we cut to commercial we get the two of them jumping off of a dock into the water, but not until after Jake says, “I’m ready to take a leap of faith.” Get it? Because they leapt of the dock. We close this scene with a slow pan of Gia’s bikini bod, which is still smokin’ hot.

Now it’s nighttime and the graphic tells us that we are at Smuggler’s Cove. Jake is waiting down on the beach as Gia winds her way down a pathway. There seems to be a lot of this so far – Jake waiting and Gia walking towards him in a way that takes too long. She even slips off her shoes at one point to go faster.

Jake grosses us all out by calling her “doll face”. She does, however, look really pretty tonight with her hair pulled back and held together with a beautiful diamond-y tiara/headband thingy.

Jake takes her along the beach and there they find a beautiful beach dinner table set for them. There are tiki torches, waves breaking, and, yes…votive candles set up all around.

They sit at the table and I am amused to see that the decorations consist of a big, ugly, white conch shell and two dead, dried-out starfish husks.

Gia asks Jake to talk more about himself and Jake tells her that she’s very deep and that that’s the part that really gets him. THAT’S deep?! He rests his face on his arm and props his elbow on the table looking more bored than interested and tells Gia he puts others before himself too much. He tells her that he’s looking for someone that “will make my dreams theirs and their dreams mine” which is just so sappy it’s got maple syrup all over it.

Gia tells us that she’s waiting for the right moment to tell him that she loves him. They cheers and kiss. Then they walk over to a hammock that’s been conveniently strung nearby and lie in it. I giggle as I see that Gia has stolen one of the dead starfish carcasses off of the dining table and brought it with her. What possible reason could she have for keeping it? Souvenir? Sex aid? I’m confused.

Jake gives her the card from Chris Harrison that invites them both to the Fantasy Suite, and of course she says yes. “I think we’re gonna use the key!” she yells. “I’m ready to go all the way!” and her parents burst with pride as they watch their little girl put out for a guy who will be sleeping with two other women soon and who thinks her shoes are too expensive.

They get to the Fantasy Suite and I am overjoyed to see it graced with tons of votive candles everywhere. None of this lame blue and orange neon lighting on St. Lucia. We’re going primitive now. Rose petals are strewn everywhere too.

We get a lame shot of articles of clothing strewn down a hallway in a too-perfect beeline to the hot tub and then watch as Jake and Gia make out and hide engorged body parts under the water. We cut to a shot of a partial crescent of moon and wonder what the symbolism is.

The next day (presumably – I always wonder if they shoot these dates in the order we see them), we see Jake waiting in a lush, green field and talking about Tenley and how much they agree on “family values and family and marriage”.

An official-looking SUV pulls up with tinted windows and crushes all the native grasses and other assorted flora in its path. Did anyone else notice there was no road or path? How do they let an SUV anywhere near there?

Jake is taking Tenley flying in a helicopter and she jumps up and down all giddy and shouts, “Oh! Cool!” I make no bones about REALLY disliking Tenley. I’m sure she’s a nice person in real life, but she’s done up so shallow, vapid, and airhead-y on this show. I can’t stand her.

They take the helicopter around the island and we get a shot of Jake stroking her knee with his thumb. Because Jake’s got to get some where he can. Last night with Gia in the hot tub wasn’t enough. Did anyone else gross out knowing where that thumb had been with Gia the night before and now it’s rubbing on Tenley? Shudder…

They land on an old plantation with lots of rusted out gears and wheels, and my first thought is that it looks exactly like when you walk off of Tarzan’s Treehouse in Disneyland. How perfect that Tenley used to be a princess, huh?

They come upon a brightly-colored picnic blanket and Tenley tells us that she hasn’t had a picnic in years – especially with a boy – and I can see part of what her issues with guys are. Tenley…they are “men”. Don’t date boys. Date men.

She makes that way-too-close-way-too-intense-crazy eye contact that she does while they chat and she even finishes one of Jake’s sentences for him. Ahh…it’s meant to be.

They make out on the picnic cloth and I notice that Jake has on a bright orange watch today. Some watch company has set this show up. Jake’s timepieces change with each date.

They go down to a private beach that is all black sand and they both remark that they have never been on a black sand beach before. It’s all so fascinating.

Then we see a shot of their clothes hanging from parts of the cliffs and we see them making out in the water and the waves. Tenley calls Jake a “naughty boy” at one point. Ugh.

Tenley tells us that the Fantasy Suite is in the back of her mind since she’s never been with a man since her ex and I can feel my hackles getting raised that they are going to bludgeon us over the head yet again with Tenley’s sad romantic past. We get it already. She got cheated on. Poor, dear, sweet Tenley.

Now it’s nighttime and Jake is escorting Tenley out to the pool at the Le Sport Hotel. Ooo…sporty! Jake is rubbing her hands and arms while they chat at a table set up next to the pool. One can only hope that one of them is going to fall in and provide some comic relief.

But, alas, it is not meant to be as they discuss AGAIN Tenley’s sad past. It’s time for them both to move on. If I were Tenley, I would take it as a bad sign that Jake keeps bringing this subject up over and over again.

Then they make out and Tenley has the huevos that Gia didn’t have and tells Jake, “I’m really falling in love with you!” in her chirpy Ariel voice that grates like steel nails down my spine.

Jake takes her up a small staircase and they dance up there. I notice that their wine glasses and water goblets have been untouched during all of this. Does Tenley get dinner? For that matter, I don’t remember Gia getting anything to eat except conch and starfish. Are they feeding these people?

There are more votive candles and Tenley tells Jake, “You can dip me forever,” which is a nice segue to the Fantasy Suite card that Jake gives her. In case we didn’t already know, Tenley tells us that, “I’ve only been with one man,” and we gasp with surprise (not).

She reads the card, sees the key, and accepts the request. Tenley’s about to spend the night with her second guy! “I absolutely can not wait to watch our first sunrise and to see your boobs for real,” Jake says. OK, he does say the part about the sunrise. I made up the other part about the boobs. But you know he was thinking that, right?

They get to their suite and there are more candles everywhere (yay!) and rose petals all over. They get their own private swimming pool and Tenley chirps, “This is fun!” Then she waxes philosophical and tells us, “This isn’t something I just do. Spending an evening alone with a guy. So this is very special. I wouldn’t just let anybody bring me to a room like this.” And I’m sure that her parents, too, are so proud that she decided to give it up on national TV.

They make out in the pool and say lots of sappy things like, “You can just feel the passion behind the kiss,” and “No doubt she would be an amazing wife,” but they are boring me so let’s move on.

Vienna’s date is next, and like the others for some reason the producers have her run down a dock to meet Jake. No one can just be there. They all have to do a run-to-them-and-embrace shot.

Jake tells her that for their date they get to ride on a real-seeming pirate ship that was actually used in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. They board and Vienna puts a patch on Jake’s eye. Then he shows us the depths of his intellect by closing the eye that is uncovered to do his best blind-in-both-eyes-not-understanding-how-an-eye-patch-works imitation. Truly sad.

They shuck off their clothes faster than you can say “bottle blonde” and for some reason Vienna tries to lick him. Klassy with a “K”, Vienna.

They make out on the deck of the ship with Vienna lying on her back and Jake coming at her from above. It’s all backlit and very artsy and not at all like soft porn.

They fire a cannon that’s on board and Vienna shrieks and holds her ears. Then Jake has the dumb idea to climb all the way up the mast. Then we understand why he suggested that as he sends Vienna up first. Either he wants her to fall and kill her off so he won’t have to actually dump her, or he gets the best crotch shot of all time looking up while she begins her climb. Sadly, it’s the crotch shot and we get it too.

They both climb all the way up and it reminds them of their bungee date. He now has lost the eye patch and has donned a stupid-looking pirate bandanna-y thing.

They get down and go over to a plank and he tells her she has to walk it. He hits her butt with a fake sword and Vienna all of a sudden looks really humiliated and asks no one in particular, “Oh my god…are we really doing this?” If even Vienna’s embarrassed by all of this, you know it’s gonna get bad, right?

We get a shot of them “walking the plank” and jumping off, then we see them swimming in the water. And for our viewing convenience the producers have installed an underwater camera so we can look up their crotches too. “I want to please Vienna and Vienna wants to please me,” Jake tells us. You know, they have Fantasy Suites for that Jake, right?

Jake holds Vienna on the beach as the waves crash around them a la From Here to Eternity. We get some interview shots of Vienna filmed somewhere else and it’s funny to see that what looks like the same conch on the table during Gia’s date is now sitting behind Vienna while she’s being interviewed. The producers spare no expense, I tell ya.

Another bad continuity segment happens as we get lots of shots of them kissing, rolling around in the water and sand, and lying on the beach, but the lighting is different every time. It’s sunset, then it’s daylight, then it’s twilight, then it’s daylight again. It seems as if the producers don’t even think we will notice this stuff. But I’m calling it out right here right now.

Now it’s time for the nighttime portion of their date. Vienna is walking towards him in a long, flowy dress that looks like it has a zebra pattern on it. There are twinkly lights wrapped around trees in the background.

Jake walks her out to a gazebo all lit up with candles and a dinner table. This time, they actually get to eat something as we see Vienna has a big hunk of something on her fork at one point. Bad continuity during this scene too. If you check out their plates and glasses throughout, they magically shift levels and locations.

Jake tells us that “I’ve got to make sure that my passion for Vienna is not just sexual,” so we all know what he’s got on his mind as they near the Fantasy Suite hour. Vienna tells us that she wants a life partner. We can hear the sounds of the rainforest in the background. Man, I always forget how loud insects are in tropical places!

Jake comes out of left field and asks Vienna what kind of ring style she likes. Why did he ask her this? Why didn’t we see him ask the other girls this too?

She lights up talking about metals and princess cuts (of course it had to be the princess cut for the princess, right?), and how she has skinny fingers. Then Jake dashes her dreams as he tells her that he’s fallen for both of the other women too. Now Vienna’s bumming hard and welling up. I laugh when I see that same conch shell on the dinner table again.

Then Vienna tells him that she’s fallen in love with him and Jake acts surprised for some reason. Poor Vienna. I guess it’s tough to be sending out those “I love you on a romantic island” signals when all you’ve done in the past is send out those “I love you and all your frat buddies on Daytona Beach during Spring Break” signals. It’s easy to get those mixed up.

They make out and the music (among other things) swells and we get fake, edited-in kissing sounds. Jake gives her the card from Chris. Vienna reads it and I almost fall out of my seat when I realize that Vienna can actually read sentences. Maybe I should give this girl more credit than I do?

She of course accepts, they make out some more, and we get another shot of the crescent moon.

We see their Fantasy Suite and it too is covered in rose petals and votive candles. Vienna leaves the room and says she has a surprise for Jake and tells us that “I can be elegant. I can be a woman.” Then she loses all credibility when she comes back in a short negligee. This girl is all elegance, huh? Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly…and Vienna from the Florida swamps.

They move right to the bed and Vienna sits down on all the rose petals. I worry that they are going to leave an embarrassing stain on the butt of her white negligee, but then I remember that the thing is so short the worst she has to worry about is petal imprints on her ass.

Vienna gets up and closes the door on the cameras. Cut to another shot of the moon.

The next morning we get our obligatory montage of Jake bathing and dressing himself. We seem to see him grooming himself every episode. He puts on aftershave and hears the phone ring. Here comes the worst continuity error of the night. When he hears the phone ring in the bathroom, he has no watch on. When he comes around the corner to answer it, magically he’s wearing a watch. Did they even film these scenes on the same day? So bad. Check it out for yourself.

Of course it’s Ali on the phone. They go back and forth and it’s all pretty boring. But the gyst of it is that Ali wants to come back. She thinks she made a huge mistake. Jake tells her “You drove away with a piece of my heart,” and that starts her moaning and crying.

Finally, though, Jake tells her that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for her to come back. He’s moved farther ahead with the other women and his feelings have already changed. “I’m so sorry to hurt your feelings,” he says.

Ali is sitting on the floor of a kitchen and crying into her cell phone. This whole conversation seems so staged and fake. At times, Jake doesn’t even have the receiver up to his ear as if he’s just pretending to be on the phone.

Jake hangs up and opens the door to his balcony and symbolically lets in the fresh air. Ali’s time is done on this show, but you can bet good money that we will see her as the next Bachelorette. Ali breaks down and puts her head in her hands and knows she royally screwed up. “I’m completely heartbroken. I know with 100% certainty I made the wrong choice.” Which I’m sure makes the folks at Facebook who hired her real happy to hear that she thinks she should have dumped her job for a shot at Jake. I bet she had a tough time explaining that one at the morning meeting today, huh?

Next Jake gets ready to meet with Chris Harrison and we watch as he has to make the tough decision about whether to leave his top two buttons unbuttoned or just leave the first one unbuttoned. It’s hard out there for a pimp.

Chris recaps Jake’s time with the three girls on St. Lucia and we see repeats of the dates complete with native grasses being crushed and skimpy swimwear all around. Chris knows that Tenley told Jake she loves him, but he doesn’t seem to know if Vienna said it or not. Bad editing again.

We find out that each of the ladies has recorded her own private video message for Jake before he makes his decision. All three videos are sappy and full of the word journey. We hear Tenley say she wants to have babies with Jake and then we get a shot of her getting out of a car for the Rose Ceremony looking a LOT like Jennifer Aniston.

Next, Gia gets out of the car looking beautiful as always and we see her in her video doing her best Dr. Seuss imitation when she says, “Here we are. We’ve come so far.” In a car. Or a bar. With Jamie Farr.

Lastly, Vienna gets out and is escorted to the ceremony while we hear her say, “Hi sweetheart! I want to flirt with you for the next 80 years!” to Jake on the video message. Vienna’s hair looks wavy and pretty tonight. It’s less stringy-looking.

Now we get a shot of the two roses lying on a tree stump. Chris stands what looks like 100 feet away from the girls and tells them what’s going to happen. How can they hear him from that far away? Then Jake comes out and stands the same distance away! Why are they doing that? How awkward. Does Jake have to yell? Is he miked? I don’t get it at all.

The first rose goes to Tenley. Gia moves her head from side to side and looks nervous. Vienna plays with her hair and parts her bangs. Then we get a shot of Gia looking in Vienna’s direction like she’s got it in the bag.

But in a shocker of events, Jake next chooses Vienna, thus sending Gia home. Gia moves her shoulders side to side uncomfortably.

Jake walks Gia out and she’s actually a really good sport about it. He tells her his feelings for the other two are stronger, and she tells him she understands and that she’s had more of a wall up. She doesn’t think he made wrong decision tonight, but she’s crying nonetheless. Jake tells us, “I never saw her cry and tonight I made her cry and it just broke my heart.”

We get Gia’s back seat interview and she says, “I’m really disappointed. This is a really big shock. I really got close to him. I was starting to see a future together. I feel crushed right now. I don’t understand. I actually did fall in love with him. I actually tried so hard so I could be open. This is what always happens. I keep having these heartbreaks. It takes me so long to get over it. It takes me so long to move on.” Then she twirls her hair and is whisked off to who-knows-where.

So now Jake’s down to the Final Two. He tells Tenley and Vienna that they are going to be going to the south side of the island where they are going to meet his family. Then they cheers and we fade out (literally and figuratively. Can you imagine what kind of people spawned Jake? Prepare for a snooze-fest next week, folks…)

We get a preview of next week and it’s the awesome “Women Tell All” episode! We see that Crazy Michelle will be coming back for an interview, and so will sad, heartbroken, “I am SO the next Bachelorette!” Ali.

Somehow the producers wrangled Roslyn back on the show too, so we’ll get to see a highly-edited, one-sided version of what really happened during “the biggest scandal in Bachelor history.”

Then we get another shot of Jake leaning over yet another railing. He is SO swiping Jason’s moves this season! I call foul.

For our bonus scene during the credits, we are back with Jake and Vienna on the pirate ship. Jake is aiming the cannon and Vienna is jumping around and covering her ears. It goes off and Vienna yells, “That scared me! I can’t hear!” to which Jake of course answers, “What? What did you say?” to pretend that he can’t hear either. Ain’t it just a hoot?

I’m looking forward to the “Women Tell All” episode next week, and hope you are too. For all of you fans of Dancing with the Stars, Tom Bergeron will be announcing the cast for the new season throughout next week’s Bachelor episode. I know Pamela Anderson is one of the new contestants. Can’t wait to see who else is puttin’ on their heels!

Leave some comments here or on the After the Rose Facebook page. Is anyone even reading these any more? Is this thing on?

Until next week…