San Francisco...Open Your Golden Gate!

So this week we got to do San Francisco Bachelor-style. I can’t tell you how bummed I am that they filmed all this stuff around the City and I had no idea. How cool would it have been to bump into Jake on one of his dates? Although there were some gorgeous aerial shots of the City, this episode was one where I also found myself laughing at the inaccuracies about San Francisco that came up. And there were even more grammatical errors this week than last. Let’s get to it…

We start off with the ladies back on the RV. Now it’s only one RV since four girls got dumped last time and I guess the producers want us to think they are a green production even though it’s still an RV that probably gets about 2 miles to the gallon.

The girls are whooping it up and excited to see Jake again. Ali pounds the table and shouts, “Are we gonna see our man?”

For her part, Tenley sits in front of what appears to be someone’s dry cleaning hanging from the window in a plastic bag and tells us, “He said goodbye to four girls showing us that he’s very serious about what he’s here for and that he’s looking for a wife.” Oh really? The fact that he agreed to do this show in the first place wasn’t a tip-off that maybe he was inclined toward marriage? Tenley is a dim bulb for sure.

Ali tells us for the first of about a jillion times that she’s excited that Jake gets to see “her” city, and then we get a shot behind her of that big white hospital you see up on the hill as you drive into the City on 280. Isn’t it cool to be a local during this whole episode and knowing exactly where they are at any given time? The producers commit the first of many geographical faux pas (how do you make that plural? French is too hard…), however, as they cut from 280 to the Golden Gate Bridge, making people think that the bridge is how the girls get into the City. Not if they came in through Daly City they didn’t.

The girls pull into the Mark Hopkins Hotel and I’m a little jealous. They are getting put up in some swanky digs! I notice, though, that the hotel name plaque is blurred out behind them as they get out of the RV. Because even the Mark Hopkins has some sense of decorum and doesn’t want its name associated with a cheeseball show like The Bachelor. Either that or they refused to pay the show as a sponsor and so to slap their hands about it the show on purpose blurred out the name.

Either way, Jake meets the girls and brings them up to their new suite. It truly looks amazing and larger than most peoples’ houses that I know. The girls get sweeping views, luxurious beds, common rooms with flowers and artwork everywhere. RV livin’ this ain’t. Ella’s lucky she got out when she did! Her hairspray fumes alone would have melted some of the acrylics off of those paintings.

“It’s nice to get treated like a princess!” Vienna tells us, and gives us flashbacks to the first night we met her when she was talking all “I’m a spoiled brat and my daddy thinks I am the princess of everything” comments.

In a rare turn of events, Chris Harrison is not there to inform the girls about this week’s dates like he usually does. Because, you know, his job is like really, really demanding and it’s just TOO tough for him to get out of L.A. for a few days to actually do his job in San Francisco. It was really hard keeping up with those two RVs. We can’t expect him to know how to get to San Francisco too, right? When I grow up I want his job for sure.

It’s up to Jake to tell the girls personally that there will be no roses handed out on this week’s dates. There will be three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one date. Vienna looks surprised at this news. Jake leaves the date card and tells them not to open it until he’s gone.

Ali thinks that she should definitely get one of the one-on-one dates since San Francisco is “her city” and she would be the ideal person to show Jake around in it. “I think he’d be crazy not to let me!” she says.

In a separate interview, we get to hear Vienna say, “If Ali gets the one-on-one date today, I’m going to be pretty pissed.” We get it. Ali and Vienna still hate each other for no real reason.

Tenley opens the date card, and it’s for her. “Let’s get our love on track in San Francisco” Jake has written her and she clenches her fists in excitement and jumps up and down like a little schoolgirl. Then she makes the locals roll their eyes when she guesses that Jake is going to take her on a “trolley” ride. Please, folks, they’re cable cars, m’k?

“How much time do I have?” Tenley wants to know. She means how much time to get herself ready for the date, but I think her time in the City will be short if she can’t pick up the local lingo more quickly than she has.

Tenley is excited to “see how it feels to be a couple.” Why do so many people on this show want to see another one of their senses? People want to see what something sounds like or see what something smells like. Tenley just adds to our sensory overload, I think.

Suddenly, though, the giddy music shifts and becomes more serious. Tenley starts fanning herself and welling up dramatically. “I’m a little bit nervous,” she admits to us. “There’s been so much anticipation for this date. I feel like I just need some time to be reassured that we have something. If Jake sends me home, I’d be very devastated.” All the while, I can totally picture her doing Snow White’s voice at Disneyland. She’s totally ruined for me since I know she used to be a Disney princess.

After the commercial, Jake and Tenley leave on their date. Jake remarks that Tenley is always so positive, but has to again bring up her sad past by telling us that he’s not sure he’s scratched the surface yet with this whole “I was married to a cop and he cheated” story that they keep dragging on and on.

We locals actually laugh out loud as we see the “trolley” that Jake and Tenley will be sharing today is in fact not one that goes on tracks and uses a cable to move. It’s one with four wheels that tourists think is the same thing as a real cable car. We get some funny shots of it wheeling away. Ooo…muy autentico, Jake! (not sure why this week’s posting is turning out so multi-lingual. Stream of consciousness, folks. Stream of consciousness…)

They end up in Chinatown (“That’ll be fun!” Tenley chirps, which she would have said even if Jake told her they were going to The Tenderloin to score some smack…) and we get scenes of them strolling through shops and saying stupid things like, “You feel like you’re in a foreign country!” and “I feel like we’re a couple!”

They border on racist and don Asian hats and make faces at each other while Jake swings his pretend pigtail around a bit. In one particularly embarrassing scene that evidences their lack of culture, a woman in a shop describes in detail the food she is serving them, and Jake responds with, “Awesome!” Way to cross that multicultural barrier Jake. You do Texas proud, my man.

They visit a fortune cookie factory and discover that they can write their own fortunes for each other. They decide to save the personalized cookies for later, and we inwardly groan since we know there’s going to be some dumb scene later when the cookies are opened and one or both of them will have written something stupid. More on that later…

Jake and Tenley sit down and start talking about things. She tells him that she thinks he made a good decision last week in terms of who he let go. Ouch! The four ladies who left I’m sure aren’t feeling much love for Tenley after that. She spent all that time in the “We Hate Vienna Fan Club” and now she’s saying it was a good idea not to have let her go? That doesn’t make sense.

All during this talk I notice that Tenley is one of those people who tries too hard to maintain eye contact. It’s uncomfortable for me to watch her try to pierce Jake’s gaze as they talk about kinda lame, unimportant stuff. Jake tells her she’s been really patient and then they kiss for a bit.

Then, for added effect I guess, someone on the show has the brilliant idea to have the two of them walk down an alleyway to watch some street performer playing there. This whole scene has STAGED written all over it. I’ve been to Chinatown plenty and no one sits on an abandoned side street full of graffiti (was some of it even blurred out behind the happy couple?) I think that guy was definitely hired by the show. The music was nice, but a little too hit-you-over-the-head with “Look at them! They really are in Chinatown right now!”

The alleyway also makes me think of that Will Smith movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” where he sees “happyness” misspelled in almost the exact same alleyway. No graffiti blurred out in THAT movie, though.

Jake demonstrates his supreme lack of understanding as it relates to adverbs and provides us with the first grammatical error of the evening when he tells us that he “wants to talk more serious” with Tenley tonight (SeriousLY, folks, what’s his issue here?)

We go back to the suite at the Mark Hopkins and are sadly disappointed to hear a quick knocking at the door. Apparently the sad doorbell sound is gone for the season. RIP.

Corrie goes out to get the next date card. We find out that it will be the dreaded two-on-one date where two girls will go out with Jake at the same time. We all know how that ended for Ella and Kathryn last week, so the girls are happy there are no dumpings happening this week until the actual Rose Ceremony.

We get lots of short interview clips that basically let us know that tensions are still building between Ali and Vienna and other clips of Ali and Vienna hoping that they don’t have to go on the same date together.

So Corrie reads the cards and sure enough she reads: “Ali and Vienna…come be the queens in my castle.” And we puke at how schmaltzy the card is, but do a secret “Hooray!” that we are finally going to get a showdown between these two. It’s been a long time coming, and this should be good TV.

“I feel sick right now!” Ali blurts. The music gets tense.

Cut to a shot of Corrie with a big grin on her face. She’s kidding! It’s not Ali and Vienna on the same date after all. It’s Vienna and Gia.

“You suck at life!” Ali tells her. “My pulse just went through the roof!” she exclaims, then realizes that she has just totally dissed Vienna in front of the other girls (which is something she accuses Vienna of doing all the time), gives Vienna a sidelong glance, and says, “Not because of you, Vienna, but because it’s my town.”

I call BS. Ali totally meant that she was upset about having to share a date with Vienna. She should just come out and say it.

Of course Vienna gets up to leave and go to her room, which is where she seems to default to every time any drama comes up. She almost never stays for a confrontation, which is disappointing. The girls tell her she should stay and then for some reason Ali asks her if Vienna wants her to leave.

“Sure,” Vienna answers. Ooo! This is as good as if they HAD gone on the double date together.

Ali asks her what’s wrong and if it’s something that has to do with her, and of course it has to do with her since she was the one who made the big scene last week at the Rose Ceremony after Jake kept Vienna over Ashleigh and Jessie.

“You flipped out last night crying!” Vienna accuses Ali.

“And how do you know that was because of you?” sly Ali counters. So lame. Dude, just tell her you don’t like her and move on. Why lie about it in front of all of us when we saw it all too?

Vienna tells Ali that she and all the other girls could hear Ali going on and on about Vienna last night in front of everybody. Isn’t that proof enough to Ali that it truly is about Vienna? What else could she have been that upset about?

“I just don’t understand why you think I’m such a bad person,” Vienna says, to which Ali answers that Vienna keeps talking bad about other people in the house (even though they aren’t living in a house anymore…)

Then Vienna provides the fatal blow to Ali: “I have never talked bad about anybody. Everything I’ve said has been the truth!” Not much ol’ Ali can say to that, huh?

Ali gets all contrite now that she realizes she’s been wrong about Vienna and says, “Everyone makes mistakes and has faults. I have a lot of them and it’s a very hard situation.” Aw, c’mon Ali. You give up too easily! You just totally caved in to Vienna. Now I like Vienna even more.

Vienna tells us that “Ali just pisses me off. She does. I don’t know why she’s doing what she’s doing, but it’s not going to break up Jake and I,” and I do a little happy dance at the second grammatical error of the evening. How do you break I, Vienna?

Vienna wants to say something to Jake about all of this, so she does what any self-respecting girl would do in this situation and gets up to go choose what outfit she’s going to wear tomorrow.

We cut back to Jake and Tenley’s date, and it’s nighttime now. We see them walking up to Coit Tower and I laugh that the producers have chosen the most phallic symbol in all of San Francisco for their dinner date. I mean seriously, it’s fashioned after a fire hose nozzle, right? Gotta love the symbolism on this show.

They walk up to the top and we notice that those creepy blue, purple, and orange neon lights are back again lighting their way. Why are these lights everywhere this season? It makes me miss all the romantic candles.

We see that they have a table set up on the roof and I think that the producers truly lucked out that all the foofy napkins and silverware aren’t blowing away in the fog and wind as it would have been on any other night. Maybe they have a way of paying off Mother Nature like the Mark Hopkins so everything goes smoothly. The few times I’ve ever been to Coit Tower, it’s been blowing a gale.

They start to talk, and of course Jake has to bring up her divorce yet again. He wonders what things she would do differently the next time around, and Tenley answers that she wouldn’t take so many things for granted, like jumping up from the couch when her ex walked in smelling like the secretary he just hooked up with and running over to greet him and pretending not to smell the other woman’s perfume on his collar. Don’t take life for granted, ladies. Look what you’ll miss out on.

Tenley asks him what his expectations are of marriage, which is just a truly bizarre question. How can anyone answer that? I kinda hope he answers with a Disney joke like, “I kiss her, she wakes up, and we live happily ever after.”

But Jake misses the moment and goes on too long about how his wife should always have his back no matter what and that she should always trust him even if he hurts her feelings. All this makes me think that Jake is already making excuses for cheating on poor Tenley if they end up together. Did you get that feeling too?

To all of this deep thinking, Tenley answers, “That’s good.” Then asks him a question about pilots being faithful. Way to call him out, Tenley! Jake reassures her by answering that “cheating is a choice” and that “the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at” which is just such a big, fat lie in so many ways that I don’t have time to go into them all here.

At this point I realize that Jake is wearing a black turtleneck sweater, which for some reason looks weird on him. Maybe it’s because it’s black? He’s so “white” in every other regard that the black seems harsh and sinister on him. Or maybe he’s reminding me of the Old Spice sailor from those commercials back in the 70s? I dunno.

They kiss for a bit and then my stomach sinks as I realize they have yet to open their personalized fortune cookies from earlier in the show. She opens hers and the fortune Jake has written says, “Kiss me!” which she giggles at. We find out the reason for the giggles as Jake opens his cookie only to read the fortune Tenley wrote for him: “Kiss me!” Ain’t that just a coinky-dink? They both wrote the same fortunes…for each other…with no prompting from producers or others. They are truly destined for each other. Truly.

They check out the view some more, make out some more, and Jake cups his hand behind Tenley’s head. “I could just let go of my heart and let it fall in love with Jake,” Tenley tells us, which for some reason grosses me out since it brings up images of her letting go of her real heart on Jake.

And with that, we leave Jake and Tenley on their phallic symbol of love and go back to the hotel suite where there is another knock on the door. It is magically daytime again in the background even though Jake and Tenley were just smooching at night, but the producers pretend like we won’t notice that small detail and power on.

The girls find a giant trunk in front of their door. “Is Jake gonna pop outta that?” Gia wants to know.

The trunk ends up being full of beautiful clothes for Vienna and Gia to wear on their double date with Jake. I think how lame it is that the producers have basically thrown all these designer clothes into what amounts to a costume box. Way back when the girls were doing that fashion shoot at the hotel and Rozlyn accepted the rose that had been down Jake’s butt they had racks of clothes and accessories that they could choose. Apparently the RVs set the producers back a pretty penny, because Gia and Vienna get a bargain basement version where they have to scrounge around for their own wrinkled, smooshed designer outfits on their own. I guess we do things more casually in San Francisco than in L.A., huh?

We can always count on Tenley to pipe in her stupid comment, and she doesn’t disappoint when she takes one look at the giant chest of clothes and effuses, “This is a giant chest of clothes to choose from!” And Tenley, you’re technically not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, so I’m calling out the Grammar Police yet again tonight.

Next we get a shot of Gia and Vienna piling into the back of a stretch limo. And I actually feel sorry for them. We find out they are going to Napa on their date, and I know that to drive from the Mark Hopkins to the vineyards of Napa that Gia and Vienna are in for a loooong, awkward car ride. I would have loved to know what they talked about all that time. Or did they just not talk at all and watched Oprah on the TV instead?

For the umpteenth time we hear Vienna say how tough it will be to share Jake and watch him with another woman, and then we get Gia’s lament that will recur all night: “I’m going to be the third wheel!” She’s worried that Vienna has such a strong personality that she will be too much in the background, which is totally true since Gia doesn’t seem to have much personality beyond, “Jake! Come play hide and seek with me in the vines!”

I laugh as I put it together that Gia is on yet another winery-related date. Some of you may remember her treacherous foray into the wilds of the South Coast winery region last week. I’m not sure why she keeps getting invited to the wineries by Jake, but at least it looks like this winery will have many more amenities than a campfire and marshmallows.

“It’s a castle!” she exclaims as they drive up to it, and it is indeed a really large-looking castle. Then it dawns on me. I know the family that owns this castle! A woman who used to substitute teach at my school has a cousin who brought the castle over stone by stone from Europe. I know the whole story about this place. It’s cool to have even a tenuous connection to all of this. You take what you can get, right?

We again get Vienna coming off as spoiled and over-pampered when she takes one look at the castle and says, “I’m my dad’s princess and I’m Jake’s queen and he’s my Prince Charming!” How bummed are we that Tenley didn’t get to go on this date? The opportunity for Disney princess jokes would have been endless!

Jake walks out onto an exterior staircase to greet the two ladies. Gia gets the first hug, and then Jake summons the Grammar Police by asking Vienna, “Are you doing good?” I’m sure he meant if she was doing good deeds out in the world, but just in case he wasn’t I’m going to call him out on this one.

Jake tells us that he’s worried about being on a date with two women at the same time. “It’s almost awkward,” he says. Almost? Narrowly avoiding your ex while you’re out with your current girlfriend…that’s ALMOST awkward. Jake, you are into full-fledged awkwardness right now, my friend, and you three haven’t even made it off the greeting stairs yet.

Jake makes it a point of holding both their hands as they walk to their first destination. “The most important thing is to try to find a way to balance the time between them. I don’t want one to feel more important than the other.” He so gentlemanly like that, isn’t he? I think it’s great that every time Jake finds himself on a date with two women at the same time he holds both their hands. I’ll bet he holds the door open for them both and pulls out both their chairs too.

The three of them toast over wine and cheese on the patio and all of a sudden I get this pit in my stomach. Is Vienna wearing a…a…a…sparkle halter top?! She’s at the most gorgeous castle in the Napa Valley sipping wine at sunset and THAT’S what she chose out of Jake’s costume box of tricks? She creeps up a few notches on my trashy meter.

Yet again, Gia laments how close Jake and Vienna are. “Already I feel like a third wheel because I see him giving her attention!” Oy…again with the third wheel! She touches her face after she says this, and I notice that she still has that Band-Aid from last week on her pointer finger. Geez…Jake really must have skewered her on that toasty marshmallow date, huh?

Back at the hotel suite, Tenley wants to know what things Ali thinks the threesome are discussing on their date. Ali voices concern that they are probably talking about her. Um, Ali, y’think? I’m guessing Vienna can’t wait to talk to Jake and right the wrong you created at the last Rose Ceremony with all of your needless drama.

Ali sounds almost contrite when she admits she may have gone too far: “I want to be able to show him that yes, I’m human and make mistakes, but I know when to own up to them and to admit I was wrong.”

Tenley wonders if maybe Jake is trying to decide between Gia or Vienna and is taking them both on the date so he can make his final decision. Ali hasn’t even considered that.

Cut back to Gia at the castle saying, “I’m glad I brought my toothbrush!” Poor Gia. Having to suffer through these long ordeals out in nature and the harsh tundras of the Napa Valley. What would one do if one had left their toothbrush accidentally at a suite at the Mark Hopkins? I’m sure there isn’t a toothbrush for sale within MILES of that castle, right? (I’m kidding. I’ll bet they sell them at the castle gift shop!)

Jake, Gia, and Vienna sit down for dinner and we get a repeat of the Ella/Kathryn double date fiasco as Gia proceeds to start playing with her hair while Vienna wants to talk about the last Rose Ceremony. She totally outs Ali’s drama: “She couldn’t believe how you could like her if you like a girl like me,” to which Jake gives a great “Oh my god why are these girls always so much about the damned DRAMA?!” looks.

Jake spends a lot of time reassuring Vienna that he has specific reasons for keeping who’s left. All of this “makes me feel bad for Vienna” Jake says, but all of this actually has me feeling bad for Gia who continues to look down forlornly at her plate and fuss with her hair nervously.

It gets awkward once Jake realizes he has been totally ignoring Gia. They start talking about eating food, and Gia comes up with a great one-liner to get Vienna to finally shut up: “You can eat MY salmon!” she quips, which has so many double-entendres attached to it I think my Sarcasmo-Meter might overload if I attempt any of them.

In response, Vienna tells us privately, “I’ve never really talked bad about Gia, but I think the times they really show each other attention are when they are completely alone, and he shows me attention no matter what.” Vienna is very astute, because this is basically true as far as we can see on the show.

So Jake asks Gia if she wants some one-on-one time and all of a sudden we cut to another shot of him carrying a little mini lantern and leading Gia through what look like Medieval torture chambers or something from the Pirates of the Caribbean. There are dark, stone hallways dimly lit with weird shadows everywhere.

Gia AGAIN tells us she feels like the third wheel, and now I officially want to throw the fourth wheel at her face. “I may not act or seem insecure, but I am probably the most insecure here.” Yeah, make sure you say all of that to Jake, sweetie. Dudes LOVE that stuff. I am so over hot people bemoaning their insecurities. Next.

Gia and Jake start chatting in the creepy underground cellar/murder victim hiding spot where he has apparently decided would be as good a spot as any for some alone time. I fully expect Scooby, Shaggy, and Velma to appear out of the shadows chasing Mr. Withers dressed like a monster. It’s got that total Scooby Doo vibe in there.

I notice that Gia has started wiping her face and lips a lot as they talk, which is kinda gross. I wonder if it’s because she’s trying to signal to Jake that she wants him to kiss her, or because she allergic to the mold that is apparently growing all over this cellar.

She says that the other girls are messing with her head by telling stories about things they did with Jake that she also did with Jake. “(I) don’t feel special anymore,” she complains. As an example, Gia mentions that one girl said that Jake liked it when she put her legs up on his lap and GIA likes to do that TOO! “I thought that was our ‘thing’ and that hurt me. That really hurt me.”

Um, really, Gia? It hurts you that he lets other girls put their legs up on him but it doesn’t hurt you that he has made out with every woman on this show so far? Let’s get some perspective, girl.

They say a lot of barfy, gushy things like “I’m really, really into you…” and “Are you falling for me? Cuz I’m falling for you.” Gia asks him, “Is it OK to fall? And he answers back, “It’s OK to fall.” Puke puke puke.

Next we get a hilarious montage of Vienna trying to storm in on the date with Gia so she can break it up and have HER alone time with Jake. Trouble is, she can’t find where they have hidden themselves amidst the vast catacombs of the castle. So we see Vienna and her sad, little lantern wandering lost among the abandoned wine casks. Every once in a while we hear a sad, “Jake? Jake? Where ARE they?” from her. Cut to commercial, but not before we get an exterior shot of the castle. And damned if those same creepy, blue, neon lights aren’t illuminating the walls of this place TOO! Who woulda thunk?

We come back, and Vienna is still lost and wandering. We hear Gia talk about being a third wheel AGAIN and then get interrupted by Vienna’s shriek as she finally comes upon them and scares the pants off of them. “It’s not even funny! I’m friggin’ freakin’ out right now!” Vienna yells. Because it’s really scary being lost in the cellars of a castle when you have at least two cameramen, a guy on the mike, and a producer following you around. Total terror, guys.

So Vienna swoops in and now it’s her chance for some quality time with Jake. Cut to a scene of Vienna and Jake in a chair, and it is obvious that the producers HATE Gia because I see that not only does Jake take Vienna out to a beautiful outdoor patio for their date instead of the Spanish Inquisition re-enactment room, but they also make sure to show us that Vienna’s legs are lying all over Jake any which way they can for this entire scene. Sucks to be Gia right now.

Jake asks her what she thinks married life would be like with her, and although we all know the true answer is “crazy drama, lots of wrecked cars, dogs dressed like people, and embarrassing photos surfaced on the Internet of Spring Breaks of yore” Vienna answers that she wants to wake up every day excited to kiss the person waking up next to her. She wants kids and travel and wants that passionate feeling to continue on and on. Spoken like someone who’s never been married. Can I get an amen, married folks?

Vienna tells Jake she’s really falling for him, but Jake seems a bit cold and distant at this point. They cuddle some more on an outdoor couch while sparks fly up from an outdoor fireplace. Ahhh…reality TV love…

Back at the Mark Hopkins there is a knock on the girls’ door and Ali comes back with a date card. She says she’s scared since she’s never opened one before, and something tells me that if THAT’S scary for Ali, then she’s REAL glad she didn’t go on the dungeon date with ol’ Jakey.

The next date is for Corrie: “Love is a walk in the park,” the card says. Corrie’s happy to finally get some alone time with Jake and is excited to show Jake her fun side. Because that lame “Let’s roll awkwardly down the sand dune!” thing just really didn’t work out for her last week in Pismo. She’s got some catching up to do.

Back at the castle, Jake has escorted the two ladies to their room and says goodnight to them both. We see the girls tucked into their own beds and get to hear Vienna say again that she wants to be the last girl Jake thinks of before he goes to bed. She’s worried that Jake seemed different tonight and just wants to make sure that they are still OK.

She hatches a plan to sneak out of her room and down to where Jake is shirtless and throwing a giant animal skin repeatedly over and over onto his bed for no reason since we can clearly see mounds and piles of comforters, sheets, and pillows. We watch with trepidation as Vienna winds her way downstairs to Jake’s room trying to balance two big glasses of wine. We know this ain’t gonna go well at all.

She surprises Jake in his room and flops onto his bed with the wine. “Cheers to finding love and not having to go back to my room tonight!” Vienna offers. Jake seems very uncomfortable.

Jake says, “I was laying (Grammar Error!) in bed, not quite nekkid. I assure you I was having dirty thoughts, but I was really worried that Gia would think something was going on. It was rated G all the way,” which shows us in one small sound bite that our boy Jake is a horndog and a gentleman at the same time.

Vienna asks if Jake wants her to go and he says she probably should and that it was “really, really, really awkward”.

For her part, Vienna tells us, “Leaving Jake just now is making me feel very unsure. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I am afraid. I really want to fall in love with Jake. If that’s not what happens, I’m gonna be crushed.”

Now we’re back in the City again and we see that Jake and Corrie have begun their date. They leave the hotel and Corrie provides us her first grammar error when she says, “I take things slow (SlowLY, Corrie. Adverbs tell HOW…) I want a guy who will pursue me.”

They wind up in Golden Gate Park. It’s another crystal-clear day, and I wonder how the producers managed to score such perfect San Francisco weather for all of these outdoor dates. Jake is sitting on a bench perched like the quintessential gay guy looking for park sex in an argyle sweater. But he’s actually waiting for Corrie,.

Once they’ve said their hellos we get shots of them walking along some shaded park trails, and it occurs to me that Jake and Corrie are looking for love on the same trails that countless gay men have cruised for decades looking for love of a different kind (if y’know what I mean…)

We get a shot of them out in the middle of a huge, beautiful field and I wonder how the producers got all the homeless people to leave. The last time I tried to picnic on that same field I got yelled at by a homeless guy who said I looked at him strangely and had a stray pit bull try to pee on the sandwiches. Somehow, Jake and Corrie get the more sanitized San Francisco experience.

They end up rowing out on Stowe Lake, and Corrie provides some unintentional comedic moments when she looks out onto the water and wonders aloud if there are any “gators” in California. The shores look suspicious to her. Poor thing. Poor virginal, reptile-misplacing thing.

They row around and talk about their philosophies of dating. At one point they are so close to the first kiss that you can feel the tension radiating out of the TV screen, but then the music changes a bit and they both blow it and it turns into a Top Ten Seriously Awkward Moment as they both realize the opportunity has passed. They look down at the boards of the boat instead.

Corrie tells us that when it comes to kissing, the man is 90% responsible for taking the initiative, and the lady is responsible for 10%. Cut to Jake telling us the same thing, but changing HIS percentages to 80/20. Uh oh. This doesn’t seem like a match made in heaven, huh?

Jake makes two more grammatical errors by saying “slow” instead of “slowly” and then they decide to head into dinner.

Back at the girls’ suite, the final date card is delivered, and of course it is for Ali. “I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city,” it says, and Ali is thrilled that she gets to plan the date that she and Jake will share. She wants to show him everything about her life – where she lives, eats, does her laundry, craps – you know, the whole ten-cent tour.

We see some funny shots of Vienna feigning interest in it all and putting her thumb in her mouth a few times.

Jake and Corrie walk into the newly-renovated Academy of Sciences and again we see that the creepy neon gnomes have illuminated this venue too. They have the whole place to themselves, which is pretty cool.

Corrie tells us there’s a cloud over the date now since that almost-kiss in the rowboat turned out to be more humiliating than titillating. They start talking about what the other is looking for. Corrie says she’d be willing to move to Dallas to be with Jake, but we get an interesting turn of events when she says that she would get her own apartment, not share Jake’s place. And with that, we have our first bona-fide virgin of the season.

They eat dinner in a sorta-creepy, sorta-cool aquarium with sharks and fish swimming all around them. Corrie says she won’t live with someone before marriage and that she is saving herself (you know…ahem…SEXually…) until she’s married.

Jake tells a bold-faced lie when he says, “I completely respect where you’re coming from, and that’s not an issue for me,” which I believe about as much as I believe that Vienna doesn’t dye her hair blonde.

Corrie tells us she feels relieved that she talked to Jake about all of this. “I feel like we got over that mountain,” she says, although she’s one of those people who pronounces it “moun-ehn”. Why do people do that?

They finally share a “Kissimee” (inside joke from the first episode), and Corrie now feels so much better about where she stands with Jake. “I can see myself engaged to Jake at the end of this!” she says excitedly, but I’m not thinking that’s going to happen. Corrie is a bit too cold and detached for Jake, I think. Sure she has the virgin thing working against her (nothing against the virgins, folks!), but she just doesn’t seem to have much to share with Jake that allows him to get to know her. For all of you Grease fans, “She’s too pure to be pink!” She’s my pick so far for who’s outta there at the next Rose Ceremony.

Next we see Ali primping for her date and over-enthusing about how excited she is to be showing Jake “her town”. I call BS here too. According to her bio, Ali has only lived in San Francisco for just over three years. She’s a transplant from Williamstown, Massachusetts. San Francisco is hardly “her” town.

Ali comes out looking all cute and prepped and the girls all ooo and ahh about her. Vienna answers Jake’s knock on their door and tells us that Ali is a threat to her. She thinks that this date with Jake might “show Jake who she really is and he might not like who he sees.”

Jake takes Ali up to the roof of the Mark Hopkins and asks her to point out where she lives. She points out the tall, white highrise where Gavin Newsome used to own the penthouse, and says, “I live over there!” and we know that Ali is not hurting at all for cash. Girl lives in freakin’ Russian Hill and rents are not cheap there.

They go walking along Union Street and Ali shows him her favorite flower shop. We find out that her favorite flowers are daisies, but they don’t have any there. She saves face by telling Jake, “I want you! YOU’RE my big flower!” Ick. This is getting painful already.

It’s amazing how much Ali’s edit on this show has changed. At that first date with the creepy guys from Chicago watching, her energy and enthusiasm came off as endearing. Now her energy borders on manic. It’s almost like she is determined that Jake will see a good time. She’s too gushy about it all.

Back at the suite, Vienna is worried that Jake won’t be thinking much about her today since he’s out with Ali. She reminds them all that Ali is the only girl who has had two one-on-one dates with Jake, which she calls a “bad situation”. Oh yeah, and she says her stomach hurts.

Ali takes Jake into her fave little bistro aptly named Ottimista. They order espresso drinks, and Jake hams it up by dipping his lips and nose into the foam on his drink and asking Ali if he can ask her a very serious question. Har har har. That’s the best they could do to show us that this guy has some semblance of a sense of humor?

Jake asks Ali to take him through a typical Sunday for her. I’m not sure why he chose that day out of all of them, but Sunday it is. Ali reveals her true workaholic self by admitting she would check email first. No mention of a good-morning kiss or a little roll in the Sunday morning hay. Nope. Not Ali. She gets right to work. “I want to be the best I can be at my job,” she says. Woo hoo. Nothing says marriage material like a girl who equates Sunday morning with work.

We get some ominous stirrings that all is not right in Ali’s world, though, as she tells Jake that he would meet her mom, her sister, and her brother if he went back to her hometown for a date next week. We get no mention of Dad at all, and then she tells Jake that she “doesn’t come from a picture-perfect family.” Ooo…can’t wait to hear the dirt on this one!

They make out a bit at their table and Jake tells us he still has questions for Ali about the whole Vienna thing, but that can wait until later. But he also says, “There’s a comfort level with Ali. It’s just natural. I don’t have to try.”

We go to commercial and I see a preview for the new Alice in Wonderland movie, which makes me really excited until I hear that the voice Johnny Depp is doing for the Mad Hatter sounds almost identical to his voice for Willy Wonka. Fail.

Next we see Jake and Ali strolling along the Marina on yet another perfect day. There isn’t even any fog rolling in under the Golden Gate!

For some reason, at this point Jake points out a skanky-looking seagull with a large, writhing crab in its beak. Is this supposed to be symbolic of their relationship? Symbolic of the City? Of something else? Why show it?

They play some barefoot soccer on the Marina and then spread out a picnic blanket. Ali immediately makes me roll my eyes by pouncing on Jake under the guise of giving him a back rub. She straddles him while he lies flat on his belly. Jake tells us he wants to “make sure she’s OK with where we are” which I’m sure he meant relationship-wise, but I KNOW Ali’s just fine right where she is perched on Jake’s butt massaging his shoulders.

Jake turns over and Ali starts kneading on his pecs. Smooth move, girl. I would have done the exact same thing in your place. We get a lot of shots of them rolling around on the grass making out, and something about the way it’s all lit reminds me of a 60’s Summer of Love-esque montage. It’s all dappled light and green grass and free love.

Next we see them sitting somewhere on a low wall of some sort. Ali has a long chain necklace I haven’t noticed before, and it’s dangling down almost to her hoo-haw. Jake takes this opportunity to pop the cork on a champagne bottle and Ali squeals that that’s her favorite part.

Thus begins their serious discussion about what went on at the last Rose Ceremony. Jake tells Ali it seemed like there was something she wanted to talk to him about at the last Ceremony and she answers that she just wants him to be happy. “Sometimes other people see things that you may not see,” she says, and we know she really means that Vienna is all wrong for Jake. “Sometimes I don’t understand the decisions you make.”

We think we’re in for another moment of Vienna-bashing when suddenly Ali surprises us and tells Jake, “I don’t need you to really answer anything for me. If you pick me, then I’m yours. If you don’t, that’s OK too. I gotta leave it up to what’s meant to be. I don’t have questions about why certain people are here anymore.”

But Jake wants to chat about Vienna. He tells Ali, “I hear what people are saying. When I’m with her she’s honest and goes out of her way to let me know she’s here for me,” thus implying that Ali and the other girls DON’T do that.

“I want you to do what you feel 100%,” Ali replies. “I need to let go of that. I’m ready to let go of it.” Then they make out with tightly-clenched mouths. Methinks a bit of tension has entered into the Ali/Jake love story, no?

Later, Ali tells us, “I don’t understand it (keeping Vienna around), but it’s not my business to understand it. Because I’m really falling for him and that means I need to trust him through and through no matter what. I’m happy!” OK, Ali…we like you a bit more now, but only a bit.

They finish their date with them both running into the water at Chrissy Field and sharing a splash, a hug, and a kiss. How many of you ladies blanched when you saw Ali tromping through the brackish bay waters in her fancy leather boots? I don’t even wear fancy leather boots and I have to admit it made ME cringe.

“I could have stayed out there forever!” Ali gushes. “I will remember it forever. I am so smitten with that boy.” Awww…the smitten kitten.

We’re back at the hotel now, and it’s time for the schmoozing before the Rose Ceremony. Tenley tells us her heart is “beating like crazy” (she should know crazy, right guys?) and Vienna says, “I don’t think any of us know (grammar!) what Jake is thinking or feeling right now. It’s a really important Rose Ceremony tonight, so it’s important to get a rose tonight.” Ah, Vienna. Such a way with words, my lady. Nice to see you have taken a page from the Tenley-Points-Out-The-Obvious rulebook.

Jake pulls Tenley aside for the first alone time. It’s been a few days since their date on the phallic symbol, and Tenley is nervous that Jake has forgotten what a wonderful time she had. “I really want to believe that my connection is real,” she says. She seems nervous and unsure tonight, and Jake senses it. “This is the first night I heard Tenley kinda start to fall apart, “ he tells us.

Then for some random reason Tenley asks Jake when she gets to dance with him, and he sweeps her up and begins a very stilted box step around the room. I’m not sure why this needed to happen at this particular time, but Tenley seems happy. “I feel like I’ve never used my feet before!” she exclaims in an overly-giddy way, and they kiss a bit.

Back in the living room, Ali wonders if she’ll get to talk to Jake tonight at all, and Vienna quickly answers her with, “No. You just spent the day with him,” which literally cuts Ali right down to size it just a few words. She’s speechless now.

Next Jake comes to “steal” Corrie. Why do the bachelors and bachelorettes on this show always have to “steal” or “borrow” someone? It’s kind of creepy-sounding and verges vaguely on kidnapping.

Jake takes Corrie to a room with candles (Yay! Not enough of those so far this season…) and Corrie tells us that “it’s important” to get this time with Jake, except she pronounces it “impor-ent”, and drops the middle “T” sound again for some reason. Where was this woman raised?

The subject of her virginity comes up again, and Corrie creeps us all out by announcing, “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean that I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” Virgin…touch…sensual…too many graphic images to deal with. Shutting down brain now.

Jake answers her that “it’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal” which is another total lie since no ugly woman has ever been allowed anywhere near this show. We all know Jake’s there to score a babe.

Back in the living room, Vienna tells Tenley she’s nervous about her decision to sneak into Jake’s bed back at the castle. I’m sure that won’t be the last thing Vienna regrets in her life if those pictures of her circulating around the Internet this week are any indication. Looks like our Vi enjoys the company of several young studlies when she parties it up at Daytona Beach over Spring Break.

Jake selects Gia next for some alone time, and Vienna casts a somber look down on the ground. Gia says she was worried about the double date, but compliments Jake on how he didn’t make either one of them feel like…wait for it…here it comes…oh no it’s….a THIRD WHEEL!

Gia tells him she has respect for him kicking Vienna out of bed. “You passed a little test,” she tells him, and we see that Gia may be deeper than we at first believed. She actually gives little tests to the guys she dates!

She wants to stand out, he says she does, and then he attacks her in a great big bear hug that results in no kissie-kissie for Gia.

Meanwhile, back in the living room, Tenley is playing with her boobs in her dress and saying she wants to cry since Jake told her he is falling for all of the remaining women. Ali tells her that she thinks Corrie or Gia is going tonight, which makes Tenley turn her thoughts to more holy beings and ask the ceiling, “Why not Vienna?” That’s an easy question to answer, Tenley: because Vienna’s most definitely not a virgin and because she doesn’t use the term third wheel ad nauseum. Hope that explains it for ya…

Vienna gets the next alone time with Jake, and she’s annoyingly impatient about it. Jake tell us he wants to do something special for Vienna to let her know that he’s glad she’s there, so he cues the dramatic music and walks her down an abandoned flight of stairs back to his room. They walk out onto an amazing balcony that overlooks everything and Vienna quips, “This is my first time I’ve been outside in the City!” which is funny and true.

They moon over the gorgeous views and Vienna tells us, “It was worth the wait! I needed my Jake fix, and I got it.”

The music swells as they both start telling us sappy things about the other like, “I need someone that I can lean on” and “I’m just going to let my heart go and see where it lands.” They make out a bunch and Jake even cups his hand behind her head to really mash his face into hers. I think the dude is really feelin’ it for Vienna, as much as that rubs everyone the wrong way.

We cut back to the living room upstairs and lo and behold, Chris Harrison has finally deigned to grace us all with his presence. He takes Jake aside for some interviews in a separate room. As they walk in and sit down, we see the five portraits of the remaining women behind Jake on a bookshelf. There are more candles here too! Hooray!

Chris goes girl by girl and asks Jake his impressions of each of them and their time together. It’s interesting to note here that Chris calls the girls in the order Jake dated them in San Francisco, but for some reason movies Vienna’s name to the end of the list even though her double date came in the middle of the episode. What’s up with that?

About Tenley, Jake says that she “just kinda has a way about her that she can look at me and make me relax,” and about Gia (Third Wheel! Third Wheel!) he says, “She might be the most insecure. I relate to her,” which is hilarious that Jake outs himself as totally insecure. When asked about Corrie, Jake answers that she is “pretty good being a sweet girl” and that their values “line up”, which I don’t believe for a second. Jake is no virgin. With Ali, Jake says, “Everything is so natural. Everything feels so right…”

Lastly we get to his impressions of Vienna and he says that, “She’s exciting. You never know what she’s gonna say next!” Chris presses Jake about the drama with the other girls over Vienna and even calls Vienna a “lightning rod for criticism and controversy in the house”, and Jake stands firm and says it doesn’t faze him at all (even though they are not living in a house anymore).

We flash back to that fateful night when Jillian broke Jake’s heart and let him go when Jake tells Chris: “I know that I am going to make one woman tonight feel the same way I did when Jillian let me go.” And we all remember THAT wasn’t pretty, right? There was much tearing up and leaning over hotel railings and stomping back in to tell on Wes after Jill dumped Jake.

Now we finally arrive at the Rose Ceremony. Corrie is standing there with her legs crossed, which makes me giggle since she’s the virgin. Could her body language BE any more obvious? Ali and Tenley take the defensive stance and have their arms behind their backs.

The music swells and the first rose goes to…Tenley! She beams. Gia looks down, then up. Corrie has a look on her face that incorporates a weird pouty-lip thing. Ali just looks dazed and confused.

Ali gets the next rose, and we cut to shot of Gia moving her lips around. Will she be the first lip sucker of the night? We shall see… Corrie is still pouty-lippy.

Gia gets the next rose and she clocks Jake a big one as she bangs her too-big bangly bracelet on his neck when she hugs him. She’s safe this week.

Chris steps in and informs us all, “This is the final rose tonight, when you’re ready,” and Jake does what we all knew he would do and picks Vienna. In a turn of events that shocks no one, Corrie the virgin is out.

Jake wells up and escorts her down to the waiting limo. “I’m so attracted to her, but I can’t really ignore the fact that there was just something missing. It just didn’t feel right,” which is double-speak for “Jakey’s not down with the virgins.”

Corrie whispers, “Good luck!” to Jake from her limo, and then gives us a tearful interview segment: “I don’t get it. Clearly I’m not the girl for him because I’m in this limo right now. Sometimes two people can, you know, be a good match and be attracted to each other, but just not be there and I feel like that was the case with Jake. Or I just put a wall up. I don’t do good (grammar!) dating a guy who’s dating other girls at the same time. I think that if me and Jake (you were smart to let go of her Jake…Grammar! Grammar! Grammar!) had been dating just each other and he hadn’t have been dating four other women, that things would have been different.” Uh…y’think?

Then we get a shot of her blowing her nose into a Kleenex complete with wet snot sounds. “I came here to get to know Jake and to see if he could be the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with and he wasn’t. I am really sad.”

She cries some more and then we’re done with poor Corrie. Happy trails to this season’s resident virgin.

We come back to the living room and Jake tells the remaining girls that he is excited to meet their families on the hometown dates next week. Then we cut to previews for next week and we get a smattering of just how crazy some of these parents are going to be.

We wish Jake good luck with Vienna’s dad who appears to be talking to him in a mechanic’s shop and telling him how he expects his daughter to be treated like a princess. We see Gia’s mom who has one of those tough New York accents and asks Jake point blank if he loves all four of the remaining women.

Then the music gets serious and we cut to a shot of Jake saying, “I thought all of the drama was overwith and now when I least expect it I’m getting the biggest bombshell of all dropped on me. I didn’t expect to get my heart broken again.” So now we know something juicy is up next week. The spoiler sites have been talking about it for a few weeks now, and I’d give it an 8 out 10 roses on the “OMFG…Really?!” Meter.

As the credits roll, we get yet another hilarious off-the-cuff scene of the girls. This time the focus is Tenley pretending to sing opera. She has this fake aria-sounding voice and keeps saying “hoo” and “hah” in weird ways. Corrie is singing along too while Gia covers her face. Tenley invites the other girls to “Join in any time! Please pick a hoo or a ha and hum in!”

No one else takes her up on it, but Corrie starts making those same sounds into a glass she’s holding. Gia stands up and rubs her tummy and tells them all they are weird. They are.

And there you go, sports fans. Another detailed look at that show we all love. Hope you found some interesting tidbits this week. Leave me some comments and let me know what YOU thought of the show. And don’t forget to join us on Facebook. Search “After the Rose” and join the group. Catch you next week for the hometown dates!