Bachelor Pad -- Episode Two, or "Lavender Oil, Fashion Faux Pas, and Hookers in Tutus"

Welcome back, Bachelor Pad fans!

Well, this week we added a new continent to our fan base. I see on my little map that this blog had a hit from Egypt this past week, so I want to welcome the continent of Africa to our little party here. That officially makes fans from six of the seven continents. If any of you know a scientist or penguin down in Antarctica who’s a fan of train wreck TV, let them know about this site!

Also this week there were hits from the Czech Republic, Barbados, and Peru. Welcome, welcome one and all! Thanks for checking this site out and telling your friends about it around the world.

Now let’s get to last night…

First of all, I have to say that two hours is definitely too long for this show. Last week made sense since they spent a long time introducing all of the contestants coming out of their limos and showing clips of them getting dumped. That took up a good half hour. But last night just felt really long – especially when I looked at the clock and realized that after the second date was done there was still going to be half an hour until the Rose Ceremony.

If the show were an hour long, I think it would be too short, but two hours is too long. I like that two hours lets us see much more of everyone’s personalities and all of the backstabbing, etc., but there isn’t enough of all of that (yet) and most of it just feels like way over-edited filler. Maybe ABC could run it as an hour and a half and then fill in the empty half hour with a rerun of Modern Family? Just a suggestion…

Onward…

The Pie Eating Contest, or Is That a Cherry on Your Neck, or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

After re-running the exact same season preview that they ran at the start of the show last week (“Writhing mostly-nude bodies! Crotch close-ups! Hand vomiting! Tears! Tears! More tears!), the producers cut to a shot of everyone who survived last week’s Rose Ceremony coming back inside the mansion and happy they aren’t in the back of a limo right now.

Champagne glasses magically appear in all of their hands, and they all cheers each other. Dave tells us he’s happy he wasn’t the first one kicked off. Jesse K. tells us that he was “super nervous” about being first, and his sorta-girlfriend Elizabeth says the same.

Then Jesse tells us that he’s learned his lesson after coming so close to being eliminated last week. He hurt Elizabeth and she’s tight with a lot of girls who can vote him out. “I’m actually realizing being in a couple is a better strategy than being alone,” he tells us. Unfortunately, Jesse, you’re in a couple with a chick who’s being edited to look all kinds of psycho, so this may not be the best strategy for you. Fair warning.

Next we cut to Natalie and Tattoo Jesse walking outside. “God you’re sexy,” Jesse whispers, and I’m not sure if he’s talking to Natalie or actually addressing his creator. I’ll assume it’s Natalie he means (but that will change once she comes out in that god-awful pink tutu she wears during the Rose Ceremony later…)

They sit outside on a couch and Jesse tells Natalie that he trusts her. To us he says, “She’s a rad chick,” and I feel just a little bummed that it seems Jesse is one of those guys who is smokin’ hot hot hot until he opens his mouth and tries to talk. Bummer.

On the couch, Natalie is getting all insecure about Jesse liking her. She’s worried about her hair and worried that Jesse is so hot. “I haven’t met someone like him in like…ever!” she enthuses. I’m guessing that by doing Bachelor reunion cruises and the college bar “meet and greet” circuit, Natalie’s not really meeting the cream of the crop in terms of guys who’d like a long-term relationship. Check out some of the followers on her Twitter page for the evidence of that: Natalie's Twitter Page

Natalie quickly gets over all of her insecurities, however, as Tattoo Jesse leans in for a big make-out session and starts to pin her back down on the couch. Her mom must be so proud to watch her daughter go at it with a basic stranger! Brings tears to the eyes, doesn’t it?

We go to a commercial, and when we come back it’s morning time. We get lots of shots of people looking bleary and rubbing their eyes.

Big Nikki apparently wakes up in game mode because she’s already got her mouth going with some of the girls about some of the cliques she sees forming in the house. At this point, she calls it “the vocal girls” against the “cutesy, sweet” girls which is Big Nikki code for, “Those loud bitches are working my last nerve!”

Peyton lays it out by getting more specific. She tells Nikki that their little clique includes the two of them, Gwen, Krisily, and Gia. Ooo…battle lines being drawn…

Everyone gathers in the living room and Melissa comes in to tell them all to “Get up and get outside!” for this week’s challenge. We’ve already seen in the previews that the contestants are about to have a pie-eating contest and that it ain’t gonna be pretty.

“I hate pie,” Gia says, which automatically makes her my frontrunner for winning this. She’s concerned that the guys want her out because she’s a super hot chick with a bangin’ bod who has a boyfriend back home and is therefore off limits to them all. Why would they want to keep a girl like that around? Gia wants to know.

Chris Harrison is outside too and lets them know that guys and girls will compete separately. Because we all know how much Gwen can wolf down and it just wouldn’t be a fair fight between her and the burly guys, right?

Melissa tells the contestants that the first person to finish all of their pie will be the winner and that (GASP!) they are not allowed to use their hands! I mean, have you ever HEARD of such a thing? No hands at a pie-eating contest?! But that will mean that they will get their faces all messy! It might even go in their hair and down their necks! You are a smooth, crafty one Mrs. Rycroft-Strickland.

I laugh at the irony that she says they can’t use their hands while she uses her hands to show them that they can’t use their hands. This girl is totally useless on this show. Why is she even there? I guess the producers thought that since it’s guys and girls in the house that they needed a guy and girl host. Fail on that one, producers.

And can we just stop for a moment and discuss Chris Harrison’s wardrobe throughout this episode? I mean, what the heck? The shirt he’s wearing for this segment looks like a blue-and-white checkered tablecloth that they might lay down for the next round of pie-eating. If any of you are interested in emulating the esteemed Mr. Harrison’s swingin’ style, I found it on sale for you at Sur Le Table: Click Here and You Too Can Look Like Chris Harrison!

(Sadly, his fashion choices get worse as the night progresses. More on that later…)

The pie-eating contest is about to begin, but now we see Krisily approaching Chris looking like she’s about ready to break down. She informs him that she had her gall bladder removed and that her system won’t be able to handle eating all of that pie. “$250,000 is not worth going to the hospital!” she tells him, and I quite agree (although wasn’t there just a teensy part of you that hoped she went for it anyway and ended up in the ER? Just a TEENSY bit? Anyone? Sigh…)

Dave is the first contestant of the evening to use the mind-numbingly repeated phrase of the night – “chopping block”. I stopped counting but “chopping block” had to have been said at least ten times last night, so it now counts as an official drinking game, replacing Crazy Kasey’s “guard and protect her heart” from last season.

Dave tells us that Krisily is “definitely on the chopping block” and that it was a bad move to have bowed out of the pie-eating. “She should have tried to suck it up,” he announces to the camera. Um, Dave, girl has no gall bladder. That means she can’t process fats too well, which I’m guessing are the main ingredients in not only the filling, but also the crust. Ease up and take off your shirt so we can all ogle you. There. Good boy…

The ladies are up first. We get a funny shot of them all sitting down at the long picnic table and removing their tops at the same time to reveal bikini tops and sports bras. This is how Bachelor Pad does “Hot Girl” pie-eating, I guess.

Chris counts them down and yells, “Go!” and the ladies have at the pie. Right off the bat, things get gross as pie debris gets mashed into everyone’s faces. Elizabeth nicely tells us that the pie tastes like when you throw up just a little pie in your mouth. “It was absolutely disgusting!” she yells, and we thank her oh-so-much for that graphic description as we all throw up just a little bit for real in our own mouths listening to her.

Tenley is the queen of going from an angelic, cherubic expression to ones of utter horror and terror, and this contest is no exception. Why can I not stop laughing whenever I see Tenley’s face contorted into paroxysms of pain and emotion? “I don’t like it anymore!” she wails, but keeps at it. Then we get some great in-your-face close-ups of her starting to heave.

“This is brutal to watch, “ Kiptyn now says as he watches the girl he supposedly is crushing on spewing pie chunks all over the assemblage. Yeah, Kiptyn, that’s the mouth you’re gonna be kissin’ on later. Enjoy that, OK?

Big Nikki sums up my thoughts exactly when she says, “I’m surprised any of these boys would be romantically interested in any of us after seeing all that.” Then we cut to shots of more gagging, puking into buckets, and Natalie running over to the bushes in her effort to avoid hurling on her friends. I think a lot of these barf shots were staged, but the producers got the intended effect. It was all super gross.

For his part, Dave waxes philosophical and tells us that the whole experience “…brought us all together…” Tenley keeps making hilarious faces like she’s either having a surprise colonoscopy or like her mom just told her that her favorite little kitty cat just got run over by the garbage truck. “I don’t want to get disqualified!” she yells as she plugs away at what has now become her pie sludge.

Over on the other side of the table, the producers have begun the set-up for one of the fakest romances on the show so far. Wes is standing behind Gia and coaching her on how to get her pie out of the tin and down her gullet. “Listening to his voice made me get through it,” Gia sighs. Now I’m puking too.

We get a funny cut-away interview with Fake Flight Attendant Ashley, who still has pie debris caked all over her face. She can’t believe that the two smallest girls there – Tenley and Gia – are neck-and-neck for the win here. Neither can I until I realize that Gia is a model and is probably used to eating a lot of food but never gaining weight or getting bigger. You can read into that what you will. I’m just sayin’ I wasn’t too surprised when she won.

So Gia wins the pie-eating contest. She’s excited. We cut to a shot of Tenley on her knees in the grass. We cut to a commercial just in time for it to be the guys’ turn next. “I’m not going into it feeling like I’m the Number One,” Weather Man warns us, and so we know he’s going to win for the guys before the contest even starts.

We’re back from commercial now and the guys are taking their turn sitting down at the long picnic table. Immediately, I notice a major double-standard happening. Why did the girls all take their tops off, but the guys are keeping their shirts on? Harumph…

Weather Man again tells us he’s not going to win. “I am an underdog. I am definitely on the chopping block!” he bemoans. (Hoist ‘em if you got ‘em!)

Jesse K. is confident. All the big burly guys think they have this in the bag, and their girls all think so too. This just makes us seasoned reality TV veterans know that the burly guys will be the first ones blowing chunks, right?

They get to the pie, but not before we get a cutaway interview with Elizabeth who not only has pie debris caked all over her face, but also all the way down her neck. How long do you think the producers made the girls all wear their pie before they got to wash it off?

“The guys can eat everything all over the house, and we get to the competition and they sucked!” Elizabeth complains.

This is an understatement as we see the bigger guys slow down after only a few bites, while the smaller guys like Weather Man and Craig are happily plugging away. At one point, Craig even takes his manly, full head of flowing hair and rubs it all inside the pie filling. “My hair’s a multi-purpose tool!” he shouts. “It can suck up some pie!” Visions of, “Feed me, Seymour! Feed me!’ pop into our heads as Craig’s hair now has taken on a life of its own. Chris Harrison notes that this hair-dipping is a good strategy, and who knows? Cherry pie filling may even turn out to be a good conditioner. (Mental note to watch Craig’s hair for the rest of the show to see how this all turns out for him.)

Next we cut away to Rat Fink Jessie and she has the requisite “I-finished-eating-pie-three-hours-ago-but-the-producers-won’t-let-me-wash-it-off-until-after-I-do-my-interview-and-they-made-me-wait-to-be-last-so-it’s-REALLY-gnarly-and-hardened-now” look on her face as she tells us that Weather Man is “like a machine” when he eats. Tenley tells us she wants Kiptyn to win and secretly hopes he didn’t see her face as she was hurling pie chunks everywhere.

Now it’s down to Weather Man, Kiptyn, and Wes, who are all very close to being done. And of course Weather Man wins since he’s been saying this whole time that he won’t. Dave is impressed. “It was impressive,” he says. “He’s good at eatin’ pie. He’s got that goin’ for him. I’m dumb as a stump, but these are my nipples. Check 'em out...”

Melissa gives Gia and Weather Man their roses and we get a really funny quick shot of Craig’s hair, which he has now spiked up with cherry pie sludge to look like Ed Grimley from Saturday Night Live. If you don’t know who that is, think Alfalfa from The Little Rascals meets Pee Wee Herman.

Jesse K. is pissed he lost. Craig is nervous since he knows he’s not safe this week. “I need that rose,” he says. At this point in the competition, the producers have totally dropped any formality with people’s names. Jonathan is always “Weather Man” in the titles under his interviews. Jesse K. is always “Kovacs”. So I will switch to those too for continuity’s sake.

Weather Man’s Date with the Girls, or “Buffet and Bikini Date with Christ”

After the pie-eating, the conniving begins about who will invite whom on dates. Gia clutches her stomach and sits outside with Weather Man strategizing. Gia is smart enough to see the divisions already in the house and knows that Natalie, Elizabeth, and Tenley will all vote together. She tells Weather Man that he needs to save some of the girls in the outsider group if they have a shot of winning this.

Next the fake doorbell rings (yay!) and it heralds the arrival of the first Date Card of the night.

Krisily takes a page from Ali’s book and tells us that it’s “impor-int” for the guys to like and trust her so she can stay as long as possible. “The only way to be safe is to hope Weather Man takes me out on the date and try to get a rose,” Krisily tells us in her apparently broken English and tobacco-scarred voice.

Then, in our first major editing faux pas of the series, we see her walk into the house via a back or side door to deliver the Date Card. I presume the ominous doorbell sound was supposed to be coming from the FRONT door, right? Then why is the card coming in a side door with curtains in front of it?

Weather Man reads his Date Card aloud: “Reveal your true selves. No brushes allowed! Which three ladies will be joining you?” They’re not even trying this season, huh?

He picks Gwen first, which shocks her as much as it does us. He puts on a faux-flattering voice and tells the group it’s because she rooted him on. “I probably couldn’t have eaten all that pie without you,” he says to her.

Next he picks Peyton (no reason given) and then lastly chooses Ashley (again…no reason given). Cut to a shot of Krisily with a fake smile on her face, seething that she didn’t get picked.

Kovacs notices that Weather Man only chose girls who “…haven’t hooked up with anyone in the house.” Weather Man tells us that those are exactly the girls he needs on his side. “This is business, and we’ve got stuff to talk about.” Again, this is the weakest part of the show for me. These shouldn’t be called dates. They should be called rewards or perks or something. No one is under any delusions that there will be actual romance. The only reason people invite or get invited on dates is for strategy pure and simple.

The foursome gets into a limo and ends up in a warehouse-looking district. I cross my fingers that there won’t be some lame rock group playing music just around the corner, and (PHEW!) they go inside to do what else? Body painting! As in…literally using your body as a brush to paint.

Melissa is waiting for them inside and tells them with an interpretative hand dance to have fun body painting. Then she struts out in her very high heels and black sparkly pants.

Ashley is nervous and says she would never have done something like this before. I like her and believe her. She seems like one of those “fish out of water” types on this show. I’m not sure why she was cast over other, more volatile girls, other than maybe she was the only one left who wanted to do the show, still had a knockout body, and cleared the STD screenings. She seems too wholesome and innocent to be on this porno of a show.

Weather Man is there to break the tension, though, as he holds up his fingers in a rock star pose behind a screen and yells, “Are you ready for ‘Speedo the Sequel’?” The girls all laugh and clutch at themselves as he comes out in the same Speedo he wore for the calendar shoot during Ali’s season – although this time there’s no wussy duckie innertube to wrap around his nether regions. It’s all out there for the world to see (or not see as the case may be…ahem…)

The girls remark how timid he was before and how confident he is now. “This time he’s as smooth as can be!” one says, and it makes me realize that Weather Guy has absolutely not one hair anywhere on his body besides his head. Not one. Chest, legs, back, face…all completely smooth, which just adds to his overall weird look in that Speedo.

The girls strip down to their bikinis and the fun begins. Weather Guy suggests they make their handprints all around the edges of the canvas. Ooo…that’s hot! Then, of course, the fun ramps up as they start pouring paint on each other and rolling around on canvas on the floor. One of the girls dumps a whole bucket of paint on him and he does his interview with green goo flowing down his head and face. All is going according to plan, he tells us.

Next we see a shot of Peyton on her belly with her arms and legs in the air. They are spinning her around in the slippery paint. She tells them that she feels like a human merry-go-round. “Who wants a ride?” she asks, and I laugh out loud at the double-entendre.

Back at the mansion we get scenes of hot tub and outdoor frivolity. It sounds like a frat party is going on with whoops and laughing and naked bodies. Cut to an interior shot of Krisily and Nikki and Gia inside and feeling bitter. They know they are now officially on the outside even though they are now sitting inside (Oh, the irony!)

They make plans for trying to keep themselves around longer. They think they should keep Craig around since that will force the insider girls to have to vote out an insider guy, thus reducing their numbers. Then the outsiders will have a clear majority. Gia thinks she has the power to change the game.

Krisily tells the group of bitter babes, “If it all works out, it might possibly be the best rose ceremony EVER!” Um, Krisily, that’s Chris Harrison’s line. You over-stepped your bounds. There’s a car to take you away now. Here’s a carton of Marlboros and some Rice-a-Roni. Thanks for playing. Buh-bye…

Back on the date we get a weird religious reference as the camera closes in on what looks like a holy scene on stained glass. Have they been body painting in a church?! Is Gwen leading them all in Bible verses? Have they accidentally been doing this all in a nunnery? As the camera pulls out, we realize it’s just supposed to be cool art on a warehouse wall that hangs over what looks like a buffet table. Jesus would be proud.

“It’s amazing how much body painting can take out of you!” one of the girls says in her most vapid way. Poor thing. You must be so tired after all of that rolling around in your swimsuit on national TV. Take a break and eat some food under a depiction of the Passion of the Christ, OK?

Weather Man pulls Peyton aside first. On the regular show, this would be a time to get to know each other and see if there’s any chemistry. But tonight it’s all strategy. Peyton says that the house is split and he agrees. He thinks the ladies should vote off Kiptyn this week and also tells her that Gia is on their side too. Peyton says she’s on board with the plan. “Mission accomplished!” Weather Guy tells us. Such a romantic ending, dontcha think?

Back at the mansion, Kiptyn is wondering why Weather Guy chose the girls he did. Natalie says Weather Guy is clever and a “…smart little cherry wolfer…” Elizabeth tells them that she thinks Ashley will stay on their side, although she acknowledges that Ashley is smart and is playing the game hard like everyone else.

Now we go back to Weather Man’s date, and he’s chatting with Ashley. She says she’s nervous because she’s close with the insider girls. Weather Guy advises her to “…look out for Number One or don’t…” and says she has to do what’s best to keep herself in the game. The camera gives us a close-up of her holding Weather Man’s hand and touching his arm while they talk, but again I’m not buying that there was one second of romance between them on this date.

Weather Guy tells us that his biggest goal was to get Ashley to flip to the outsiders’ side, and he thinks he did it. He says he feels like a Puppet Master, which must make Ashley feel real good watching the playback at home.

Now it’s time for one-on-one with Gwen. I immediately notice that the music changes for this part to something that kind of sounds like New Orleans jazz. Also, Gwen gets her date up outside on the roof and not inside like the other two. This is the part of the show where the producers attempt to make us believe that sparks are flying when they really never started.

They get to chatting and discover that they have SO MUCH in common! They both love tennis, they both love to be creative, they both love Positano, Italy, they both breathe oxygen, and they both know how to spell their own names. Ooo…that’s a foundation for romance if I’ve ever heard one.

Weather Guy leaves the rooftop to go get something and we get a sad sack shot of Ashley as she watches him pick up the rose, but not give it to her. Instead, he heads back up to the roof and asks Gwen if she will accept it. She of course says yes since no one knows who she is and so her days are even more numbered now. Girl needs all the safety she can get.

“Gwen is hot head to toe,” Weather Guy says, but then we get an interview with Gwen where she tells us the truth: “A lot of people in the house think Jonathan likes me, but that’s not gonna happen…in a million years…guaranteeing that!” Ouch, Weather Guy!

We find out that he should have kept his libido in his Speedo and given the rose to Ashley. She tells us that she committed to him, but now that she didn’t get a rose she’s not sure what she’s going to do in terms of voting.

And fade to a commercial…

Gia’s Date with the Guys, or “If This Tent’s Moroccan, Don’t Bother Knockin’!”

We come back to all the guys trying to kiss up to Gia since she gets to decide which three guys are going on the next date with her. She opts to take Weather Man outside for some alone time to recap his date. She wants Craig to get the rose tonight, but Weather Man doesn’t trust Craig. Gia reminds him that both he and Craig are outsiders and so they have to stick together. He suddenly sees the light and agrees….Craig should get the rose tonight.

Then he tells Gia that Ashley is on their side now. He worked his manly charms on her and spun her into his web of deceit and intrigue. Gia quickly dashes this fantasy world by telling him that Ashley is in no way on their side and that she lied to Weather Man on their date. “Do not trust Ashley!” Gia reprimands him.

Peyton comes over and Gia wants her to tell Weather Man too not to trust Ashley. Peyton confirms that Ashley is lying and Weather Man backs off and says he’ll stick with the original plan of making sure Craig gets the rose tonight.

“You’re so blinded by it all and I love you and I want you here!” Gia laments. They hug and all is right with the Bachelor Pad world. I’m getting tired of Weather Man on this episode. Enough airtime already…

The scary doorbell rings again and Kovacs goes outside to scoop up the Date Card. He says that Craig is on the chopping block (OK drinkers…take your shots!) and then Craig also tells us he is on the chopping block (Hic!) just in case we weren’t aware that there was a block used for chopping and that he was on it right now. No…really…

Gia reads the Date Card out loud: “Love is intense (in tents?) Now it’s time to pick your date. Which three men will you choose?” Another lame card. Boo hiss.

Gia first chooses Wes since we saw the chemistry building up during the pie-eating when he told her to dump the crust out of the tin and on to the table. Gia selects Craig next, and we cut to a shot of Natalie laughing at that. Gia has one name left and she tells the crowd that she’s going to put the other guys’ names on pieces of paper and put them into a bowl to randomly draw out the last name. They all think this is a fun, fair way to do it, but sneaky Gia has a few tricks up her sleeve. She has secretly written Tattoo Jesse’s name on ALL the slips of paper so it HAS to be him as the winner! Genius, huh?

So of course she selects Tattoo Jesse’s name as the third guy for the date. She says she needs him on her side since he’s not really an insider either (even though he’s makin’ it with Natalie who IS an insider). Gia thinks she has a lot of control tonight and she tells us she’s “nervous excited” for the date to begin.

And now a word from our sponsors…

We come back to the show and Gia, her gigantic earrings, and her three guys are in a limo pulling up to where their date will be. We see a big, Moroccan-style tent set up in the distance. “It’s no longer a popularity contest,” Gia assures us. “I’m going with making the game fair.”

They all walk into the tent, which is very plush and filled with pillows and gold-colored accessories everywhere. They use words like “intense”, “awesome”, and “beautiful” and I notice no one used words like post-Byzantine, neo-African, or High Colonial. Guess we took different Art History classes in college, huh?

So if Weather Man’s date was totally useless, Gia’s is even worse since she has a serious boyfriend at home. Before it even starts we know there will be no making out, no naked bodies, no nuttin’. Tattoo Jesse tells us he’s been wanting to meet Gia for quite some time and that he wants to get to know her.

Craig gets the first one-on-one time with Gia where he tells her he knows he’s an underdog this week.

(Cut back quickly to the mansion where Kiptyn is telling Kovacs he knows he’s screwed if Craig gets the rose tonight. Kovacs thinks HE might be next to go, not Kiptyn. It’s just all so much to keep track of, isn’t it?)

Now we are back with Craig and Gia and Gia lives up to her dumb model stereotype by telling him, “I know you’re thinking your fate relies in my hands.” Huh? “relies in my hands”? Maybe she meant lies down again? But then how could Craig’s fate do THAT?! I don’t get it…

Gia tells Craig flat out that she will be giving him the rose tonight. She lays out the outsider girls’ strategy, he smiles, they hug, and it’s a done deal. Or is it? Craig says he believes her when she says he’ll get the rose tonight. “She made me feel at ease,” he tells us, but forgets that’s what hookers models are paid to do.

(We get a quick cut back to the mansion where nothing of note happens except for the fact that Elizabeth has yet another hairdo. Now it’s straight. Is it just me, or in every segment tonight is her hair different?)

Now we’re back to the “in-tents” date and Gia is painting henna on to Tattoo Jesse’s hands. Then he paints her hand. The whole time I think he’s chewing gum and I’m about to lay into him in the blog about how gross that is on a date, but then I realize he’s popping food in his mouth the whole time and it’s just him chewing it.

They chat, but it’s very stilted, which only plays up the fact that there aren’t too many beautiful people in the world who are smart enough to hold a good conversation. Gia tells Tattoo Jesse her whole plan, and then makes us burst out laughing when she tells him, “Don’t, like, repeat this to Natalie!” I guess she hasn’t seen what we’ve been seeing between Tattoo Jesse and Natalie. He won’t be able to tell Natalie anything because his tongue is so far down her throat that he’s tasting cherry pie (Did that go too far? Sorry. You know it’s true!)

Tattoo Jesse puts the smooth moves back on to Gia when he tells her, “It’s not gonna be hard for me to do that. I’m here for the $250,000. That’s it…and to meet you!” Uh oh. Sucks to be “this guy is so dreamy and too good to be true” Natalie right now, huh?

Back at the mansion, Elizabeth is telling Kovacs that he should direct what they do. She says she’s been scheming all wrong and then asks him, “God, why am I so dumb? You know what I am? I’m a dumb smart girl!” Um…OK, Elizabeth. Still waiting to see the “smart” part of that sentence, but you keep on with your bad self.

Then the episode turns into soft-core porn as she asks him, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” Cue X-rated music as they start to make out in the hot tub. Apparently, yes, there IS something she can do to make it up to Kovacs. He’s easy like that.

Next the cameras cut to a shower scene. The white curtain is closed so we can’t see who’s really back there or what’s really going on. What we can see is that creepy blue light that seems to be everywhere on these shows. It’s glowing from behind the curtain, which means that at some point a lighting person had to put it in there (or in the window next to the shower), position it just right for the intended effect, and then let the young lovers exchange their bodily fluids.

We hear Elizabeth and Kovacs make all the requisite moaning and giggling noises, but we’re never quite sure if they’re really back there really doing what we think they are doing, or if they dubbed those sound bites in afterwards. The producers even give us a shot of the steam wafting up to the ceiling. Get it? Steamy? They don’t miss a beat, those guys…

We leave the happy couple happily fornicating in a shower in front of camera and lighting guys making sure the other one is clean and fresh-smelling. Elizabeth says, “I haven’t been in love in so long that it’s just fun to feel! Yay me! I rule! And what other way can I change my hairstyle tonight?”

Back on Gia’s date, it’s Wes’s turn now. She makes him sit on a table and then breaks out some sort of lavender oil. She rubs it on his hand, which for some reason makes her laugh so hard she has to stop and double over with how funny she thinks it is. For his part, Wes just sits there like a robot staring off into nothing and repeating, “I love it... I love it…” For some reason, Wes repeats what he says a lot. I hadn’t noticed it until tonight. Then he tells Gia that he feels “all basted up” even though just part of his fingers even touched the oil.

Gia tells him that he surprised her. She thought he was going to be arrogant, but she thinks he seems like a really good guy. Wes answers back that he has no strategy and lays on the charm by saying, “I’m crazy about you. I really am. I think you’re beautiful, funny, you’re smart, witty, you’re quick…Gia…you are amazing…honestly..honestly…” (another repeat from Wes!)

Alas, Wes knows that Gia will never be his because she’s the one with the serious boyfriend back home. They hug and she starts to cry. I’m not sure why the waterworks start here.  Because Wes just brought up her boyfriend and she misses him? Because she can’t have Wes without cheating on her boyfriend? Because she’s scared Wes is going to sing his stupid cowboy song again?

Through the tears, Gia says to Wes, “Everyone’s got it wrong about you. You’re nothing what I expected…nothing at all…nothing…” Uh oh. Now Gia is repeating stuff too! Quick! “Um..Security? We need a small talk advisor to the Moroccan tent ASAP. We’ve got an “I-don’t-know-what-to-say-so-I’ll-just-repeat-the-last word-I-said-“ emergency!”

They hug some more and Gia is turned off by a guy who smells like lavender being torn between what she promised Craig and what a surprise Wes has been for her. She’s confused and not sure who she should give the rose to. This made up drama is just getting sillier and sillier, huh?

We come back from the commercial break, and we’re back at the mansion. Krisily is saying that Gia would be smart to keep Craig around and Weather Man agrees with her. Krisily says that it needs to be a fair fight between the insiders and the outsiders, and that right now it’s not.

We go back to Gia and her over-inflated sense of importance. “This rose carries so much weight and so much meaning in this game right now,” she reports to us. Then she goes against what she said she would do and gives the rose to Wes, not Craig. SHOCK!

Craig’s response to the situation is, “That’s a kick in the butt!” but he gets some semblance of revenge on Wes when we can clearly see that the flower Gia pinned on Wes’s lapel is slowly drooping down just like Wes’s rose was last year. Wes needs a flower fluffer on this show.

“I just messed up the whole game plan,” Gia moans and then blames it all on Wes and his wily cowboy, girlfriend-cheatin’, bachelorette heart-breakin’ ways. “Morally, I did the right thing,” she assures us. Thanks for letting us know that, Gia, oh you…the queen of moral choices. Shall we rewind to last week’s Twister game? Is your mama proud of all the moral choices you’ve been making? I’m just wonderin’…

Fallout from the Dates, or “Rat Fink Jessie Gets a Quickie While Nikki Turns Tricky!”

They go back to the mansion and Wes thanks Gia for the rose in front of the whole group. Dave is happy because he thinks now Craig is leaving next. Krisily says, “It was a stupid choice!” since Gia went against their agreed-upon plan.

Next we see Dave and Rat Fink Jessie in the hot tub together. What they don’t know is that the producers have edited in shots of Krisily sitting on a bench outside to make it look like she can listen in on the whole conversation, like Dave and Rat Fink wouldn’t see her sitting right there. Another example of bad editing.

Jessie thinks that the power is with the insider crowd. Rat Fink tells Dave that she’s pretending to be on the outsiders’ team, but she really isn’t playing for them. Then they make out a bunch. These scenes are interspersed with shots of Krisily still sitting outside on the bench and touching her face. So faked. Apparently, though, action must be taken.

Next we cut to the driveway out in front of the house where we see Krisily waiting alone. Out of the front door comes a figure who, as it gets closer, we realize is Kiptyn. Ooo…a clandestine rendezvous that was not at all orchestrated by the producers. Not one bit!

She tells Kiptyn that, “Jessie is a snake…She’s playing both sides!” She also wants it known that she is above all of the drama in the house (even though she’s igniting it as she speaks) by telling Kiptyn, “I tried to play Switzerland!” Wait…what? Come again? Krisily understands world history enough to make a metaphor out of Switzerland during wartime? Wow. This girl may be deeper than I thought. Or she may have just copied it from some movie. Or maybe Switzerland is the name of a drinking game I don’t know about? That’s probably it.

After another commercial, we see Kovacs saying he’s relieved that Craig didn’t get the rose because now he will get voted out and the insiders will have all the power. Krisily is aggravated that Gia gave the rose to Wes.

Gia and Tattoo Jesse are hanging out near her bunk. She’s lying down in her bikini and telling him how many scars she has. He tells us that “Gia is definitely more girlfriend material than Natalie…Natalie is super flirty..” which signals some bad news about to come for Natalie.

Next we see Tattoo Jesse and Natalie out by the pool. He tells her that she’s flirtatious and she says, “I have no shame. I don’t care,” which was patently obvious last week with the full on crotch view we got and the amount of times she told everyone she wasn’t wearing any underwear. The mood turns somber, though, as Jesse tells her that he knows she’s flirty and that he just wants to be friends. Aww…poor Natalie. Another meaningful relationship down the drain. “He just broke my heart,” she tells us.

Cut to her laying her head down on Tenley’s lap for comfort. She’s crying, but through the tears somehow manages to keep her eyes on the prize: “I just need to focus on the money!”

Cut to Tattoo Jesse, who tells us that “Nat is definitely a cool kid,” but that this whole thing has made him realize that being in a relationship in the house is not a good idea. Hmmm…didn’t Kovacs just realize the exact opposite thing earlier this episode? I wonder who will end up being right?

Back to Gia and she has hatched a new plan: the five outsider girls will vote for Kiptyn and the five insider girls will vote for Craig. Since Gia won the rose at the pie-eating contest, she and her big, dangly earrings will get to break the tie and she will send Kiptyn home. Problem solved!

Now it’s nighttime and everyone is getting all gussied up for the Rose Ceremony. Chris comes in and taps his ever-present glass to assemble everyone. It is immediately apparent that whoever dressed Chris for tonight’s show was suffering from a severe lack of taste and pattern-matching skills. Chris is wearing a lavender tie with dark purple polka dots, and this has been “matched” with a shirt that is the exact same tablecloth checkered pattern as the previous shirt, but this time black and white. I’m guessing this outfit is pay-off for that bet he made with Jake that he and Vienna would last longer than a year. Never doubt a pilot limousine company owner, Chris! Lesson learned.

We cut to Krisily and the big, dangly earrings of death are now attacking her as well. Poor thing.

Chris tries to do his best Jeff Probst while everyone is gathered for Tribal Council another excuse to drink alcohol. He starts asking everyone how things are going in the house. Craig answers that a lot of them are nervous. Elizabeth says no one knows who they can trust.

Chris asks Elizabeth how her relationship is going. She gets all quiet like he’s called her out for something bad, and then tells him that there’s nothing different between her relationship with Kovacs and Tenley’s relationship with Kiptyn.

Suddenly, Tenley interrupts with the line of the night. “Well…there may be physical differences!” Oh yes she did! Tenley just went and called Elizabeth out for having sex with her boyfriend on national television. This comment totally shuts Elizabeth down for a minute. She’s at a complete loss for what to say to this, since it’s 100% true. She and Kovacs had sex in the shower. Tenley and Kiptyn are staying chaste until marriage and keep their minds off sex by feeding the birds that chirp around Tenley all day and the singing squirrels who tuck her in at night.

Elizabeth finally comes to her senses after the verbal bitch slap from Tenley and says to her, “Thanks for calling me out on that. It felt rude!”

Cut to Tenley’s happy, smiling face completely crumpling into anguish and agony once she realizes that she’s pissed off Elizabeth. Susan Lucci has nothing on our girl Tenley. She can cry on a second’s notice. For her part, Elizabeth is staring her down with an “I’ll get you my pretty! And your chirping forest animals TOO!” look on her face and green smoke coming out from her ears.

Wes gets philosophical during all of this and tells Chris, “Imagine what it’s gonna get like when stuff gets real. It’s gonna get ugly.” Um, Wes. I think Tenley just REALLY called Elizabeth a two-bit ho on TV and I think Tenley REALLY feels bad about it. How much more real were you expecting things to get?

Now Rat Fink Jessie is telling us that if there are people in the house who can’t be trusted or who are playing both sides, that they need to be confronted with that. Gia is of course sitting right next to her during this whole speech and staring her down since she knows Rat Fink is doing just that. “I think the person knows (who they are)...” Gia says while shooting daggers from her eyes right towards Rat Fink.

Chris says he can feel the tension in the air and see the tears in Tenley’s eyes. Rat Fink Jessie says she’s not worried about tonight’s vote. “We’re gonna see if it all works in my favor,” she says. Yes we will, Rat Fink. Yes we will.

After another commercial we get a shot of the moon rising. Ooo…dramatic! Peyton is saying that she thinks the new outsider plan is all wrong. “The decision is made. We’re sending Kiptyn home,” she proclaims to the other outsider girls.

Back on the insider team Elizabeth (with a new hairstyle AGAIN) pulls out her SAT words and says to the group, “It behooves us to get rid of all the outsiders!” Really? Behooves? You mean a girl who can have sex in the shower on national TV also knows how to use the word “behooves”? Maybe I have Elizabeth all wrong? Nah.

Now the voting starts. Ashley shows that she really was lying to Weather Guy and votes for Craig. So do Tenley and Natalie. No surprises there.

But the voting is interrupted by a conversation between Dave and Rat Fink Jessie. He’s heard rumors that she’s in cahoots with Craig and playing both sides. Is it true? He wants to know what’s rumor and what isn’t. Jessie gets all upset. “I just don’t understand it!” she laments, and tells him she is squarely on the side of the insiders. Dave tells her he’s going to have to go back to the insider guys and do some work with them to get them back on her side. Jessie says she was totally blindsided by it all. Then she goes in and votes for Craig.

There’s an interesting side interview with Kovacs here where he’s talking about Rat Fink Jessie staying or leaving. “I…we…want her to stay for our own clique…er…group…” This is very telling because it shows us that he knows there are cliques in the house. He’d better be careful using that word in front of other contestants, though. Elizabeth might whip out “supercilious” or “nadir” and then it would all be over.

The insider guys discuss options, and they say they should all vote for Krisily. I laugh because Dave and Weather Man still say her name like it’s two words – Krissy Lee. This girl must not get around much if after this much time people still don’t know what her real name is.

We see them talking in the kitchen, and for a second my eye is caught by something on the counter. I freeze the DVR and…oh my GOD! Did you SEE how many bottles of alcohol there are on the counter? The entire counter (which takes up almost a whole wall of the kitchen) is covered in all sorts of bottles. I know there are a ton of people there, but wow. That explains a lot, doesn’t it?

We go back to the voting room and Weather Guy votes for Rat Fink Jessie. So does Tattoo Jesse.

Krisily thinks she’s the one going home tonight and tells Nikki that. Nikki thinks they need to vote out cliques, even though she’s in one. Apparently big earrings and big boobs do not equal big brains in this house.

Now the insider guys are outside discussing more options. For all the pains the producers went to for light during the shower sex scene, the lighting guy must have been on a coffee break for this segment. It’s almost impossible to see any of the guys in the dark while they discuss how to save Kiptyn. They quickly realize that they need to swing one of the outsider girls to vote for Craig instead. They all think Big Nikki would be a good choice for this, and they send Kiptyn after her to work his wiles on her and flex his abs in her face until she melts like butter.

Kiptyn and Nikki walk out into what looks like a forest and he lays out his problem to her. He’s a nice guy, so he’s very mellow and matter-of-fact about it, but nevertheless Nikki turns on the waterworks and has to wave her hand in front of her face again like that’s going to stop the HUGE tears she cries. He tells her that she’s the swing vote here.

“It’s hard because you’re a really good friend!” she tells him.

“It’s not a backstab (if she votes him out)…It’s part of the game…” Kiptyn replies with his best puppy dog eyes.

Get your shot glasses ready folks, because Nikki tells Kiptyn that she doesn’t want him “on the chopping block”. “You gotta do what you gotta do,” Kiptyn replies. “Have I let you touch my abs yet? No? Well come over here and take a gander at THESE puppies! Would be a shame if they got voted out tonight, huh? But totally no pressure…”

So now new drama is created. Big Nikki gave her word to the outsider girls that she would vote out Kiptyn. But Kiptyn’s her friend and a good guy. What to do? What to do? To make matters worse, the producers have decided to film her in the voting room in profile to accentuate the butt cleft in her really weak chin.

The Rose Ceremony, or “The ‘K’s’ Have It”

We come back from the last commercial break and it’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris will call out the names of those who are safe and Melissa will stand there stupidly and give them roses.

Guys are on one side and the girls and Natalie’s stupid neon pink tutu are on the other (I mean, really. What grown woman wears that?!) The pavement is all wet and glistening, so you know they all mean business. Chris still has on his bet-losing shirt/tie combo. Somewhere out in L.A. Jake sees this, smirks, laughs, and then rolls over in his bed and falls asleep alone.

Tenley gets the first rose. Cut to the obligatory shot of Kiptyn smiling. Chasteness is so hot, right? Tattoo Jesse finds out next that he is safe. Then Peyton and Big Nikki also get the good news. Cut to Kiptyn looking away awkwardly as Nikki catches his eye. Ashley, David, Elizabeth (with yet ANOTHER new hair style!), and Natalie’s stupid tutu are all safe too.

Kovacs is the next one safe, so that means that for the guys it’s down to Kiptyn and Craig and for the girls it’s down to Krisily and Rat Fink Jessie. Chris announces that Krisily and Kiptyn are safe, thus cementing the fact that if your name starts with a “K”, you’re pretty golden tonight.

Craig gives a death stare Gia’s way and she just rubs her chin. Kiptyn thanks Nikki, and Gia watches them with her hand still on her chin. She wants to know how this was all possible and says she feels bad about Craig even though she wouldn’t give him the time of day outside of the house.

Nikki knows she’s about to get busted by the outsider girls for flipping her vote at the last minute. “I’m pretty much not trustworthy to the girls,” she says. Gee…ya think?

Next we get the back seat limo interviews with the two dumped contestants. Craig is up first and (shot glasses ready?) says he “…knew (he) was on the chopping block…” He’s mad at Gia that she lied to him about giving him the rose.

Cut to Dave saying that he and Rat Fink Jessie “had a good connection” which is Man Code for, “We hooked up in the hot tub, and it was OK, but not great.”

Back in her limo, Jessie laments, “My whole plan back-fired.” She thinks she should have just kept her mouth shut. She’s not sure where she stands with Dave, but she hopes that she “…found love in the house. I hope this is real and not just strategy.” And if Dave and Rat Fink end up married, I will wear Chris Harrison’s tie/shirt combo for a whole week.

Back at the mansion, Gia is trying to figure out how her dastardly plan suddenly all went wrong. “One person kinda f***ed us,” she says, and gets bleeped by the censors. Nikki admits she was the one who flipped her vote.

Dave puts the final nail in the outsider coffin when he announces, “There is no outsider group.” Cue funereal music.

Previews, or…”Gia and Wes…Sittin’ in a Tree…”

Next week apparently it’s going to hit the fan for Big Nikki. We see someone calling her two-faced and her fanning the tears again. We get a classic line from Natalie too: “I would make out with everyone in the house for, like, twenty bucks!” You go, Natalie. Way to keep that squeaky-clean reputation intact.

We see Wes singing his stupid “Love Don’t Come Easy” song for Gia and her effusing that he’s “…so talented! He’s such a beautiful person! He’s like the modern day Shakespeare, but cuter!” There are so many things wrong with this whole interaction, so I’m just going to leave it until next week.

Later, we see Gia fanning her own face and weeping that, “I should never have let that happen to me!” Uh oh. Sounds like trouble for Gia. Could it be that she…GASP!...kissed another guy? I’d say it’s a good bet since we also see shots of everyone making out with everyone else blindfolded.

Credits, or… “The Blind Leading the Hungry”

As the credits roll we get a really funny scene in the kitchen. Dave and Kovacs are trying to figure out how to cook some sort of frozen dinner. How do guys that hot and that buffed eat crap like that? SO not fair to the rest of us. L

As the patented dumbass music starts, they can’t figure out the directions on the box (“Why do we remove the lid just to put it back on again?”). Then they can’t figure out how to turn on the oven. It beeps, but nothing’s getting hot (Metaphor? You make the call…)

Rat Fink Jessie come skanking in to see if she can help and no one expects her to be able to figure it out since she seems…uh…well…how do I put this delicately? So incomprehensibly stupid that she can barely figure out how to cover herself up? So mind-numbingly dumb that every guy who has chatted with her wants to gouge out their own eyes with giant, dangly earrings?

But what do you know? Rat Fink gives the oven a little taste of her womanly ways and BOOM! it pops to life and starts to warm up. The guys (and the entire viewing audience and anyone who’s ever met her in person) can’t believe it. They will feast like kings tonight!

Thanks, as always, for reading this far. I know there are lots of blogs out there, but I hope you enjoy the details of this one. Don’t forget to head over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose and tell all your friends to do the same. I post other things there that don’t show up here.

Catch you next week!