Bachelor Pad Premiere!

“There will be love…hook-ups…betrayal…back-stabbing…cheating…scandal…and a whole lot of crying!”

And with those simple words from co-host Chris Harrison, we are off on yet another weird, wild ride with Bachelor Pad…the newest spin-off from The Bachelor. I have to admit that I’ve been pretty excited to check this show out. It certainly looked like the perfect mix of everything cheesy and bad about both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette mixed with a few parts Survivor, a few parts Big Brother, and a few parts Sleepaway Camp (really bad 80s horror flick with murder in the bunk beds)

While some parts of last night’s show disappointed me, the majority did not and I am happy to say that I am completely bought into the whole train wreck after just this first episode. It still feels like we are watching The Bachelor, but since it’s all people we know already, it’s fun seeing the old personalities come back and re-mix with new people. It’s what I like best about the All-Star versions of Survivor too. The fact that almost every single person on this show is totally smokin’ hot doesn’t hurt at all either (Sorry Weather Guy…I think you’re out of your element here…)

I was initially worried that two hours was going to be too long for this show. There were definitely times I felt like there was too much filler where things could have been edited down, but I also think I would have felt like they left too much out if it had only been an hour. And more Bachelor Pad is WAY better than less, right? So I tried to enjoy the filler too.

For those who missed it, here’s the format of the show: A mix of 19 former Bachelor and Bachelorette cast-offs from previous seasons are living together in the same mansion. There are more girls than guys since there have been more seasons of The Bachelor than The Bachelorette. Once a week they have a competition. The winner of that gets to pick three people of the opposite sex to take on a date. While on that date, he/she gets to choose one of the three to give a rose to and then both people are safe from elimination that week. At the end of the episode, the guys vote off one girl and the girls vote off one guy. It seems simple enough, but of course there is all sorts of conniving and back-stabbing that goes into everyone’s decisions. And that’s where this show gets good. In the end, the last person standing will win $250,000, which actually isn’t much as reality competition shows go. Survivor winners get a million dollars and Big Brother winners get $500,000.

So let’s get into the play-by-play!

Let’s Meet the Contestants!

We start off the show with a montage of teaser scenes from this season. We see mostly-naked bodies gyrating. We see bent-over bikini bods. We see people vomiting into their hands. We hear a woman say, “I’d rather be poor than be a bitch.” And we know that this show is going to be totally awesome.

We cut to a shot of Chris Harrison standing in front of the ubiquitous mansion. I’m sure this is one they’ve used before for other Bachelor(ette) series because I recognize the fountain out front. “Let the journey begin!” he says with a sweep of his hand, just like Mr. Rourke welcoming his guests to Fantasy Island (does that make Melissa Rycroft Tattoo?)

A limo starts to pull up and we’re excited to see who the houseguests will be. Who am I kidding? I’ve known who the houseguests will be for months. But the rest of you were excited, right?

Tenley pops out first, and as the door closes behind her I realize that they are each going to get their own limos here. It’s not like on the real series where they all pile in to one big stretch limo. So that means that they supposedly have no idea who the others are going to be. I’m sure they had an idea, though, since it sounds like so many of them know each other and hang out outside of the show.

So perky princess Tenley is back. I recoil the minute she steps out since I remember her way-too-chirpy princess voice, her totally embarrassing dance moves, and her never-ending sob story about her ex-husband cheating on her. It doesn’t help that she’s wearing a weird top tonight that is bright red/orange (roarange?) and looks like it’s in three different pieces falling off of her shoulder. Roarange is apparently the “in” color for this series since several people will be donning it later on in the show.

“Wish me luck!” Tenley chirps to Chris as she skips delicately into the mansion trailing flocks of forest animals giggling and squealing behind her. Of course, in a voiceover, she has to remind us, “My husband cheated on me!” Then we get a funny shot of her standing alone inside the living room, toasting herself. “Here’s to me!” Ah yes, Tenley. Such a metaphor for the loneliness that will follow you your whole life. It’s nice to see that some things will never change. All is right in my Tenley world.

The next limo up holds Jesse B. Jesse just finished a stint on Ali’s season of The Bachelorette and was let go pretty early on in the competition for being a bit too young and unworldly for the oh-so-urban and “You’re gonna make it after all!” Ali. Jesse has a shaved head now and is hotter than hot. He got flak from some of the guys on his series for his tattoos, but they seem to show up even better here with his deep tan and much shorter hair. This is a guy I will definitely be watching. Woof!

(And by the way…there are three Jesses/Jessies on this show, so I will need to find nicknames to distinguish them. For now, this Jesse will be “Tattoo Jesse”.)

Next up is Natalie. She got dumped in Las Vegas on Jason’s season because he didn’t feel any emotional connection with her. In her limo interview afterwards, she showed her true colors by telling us all what a loser she thought Jason was for not keeping a prize such as herself. She played the bitch role perfectly there, and it seems she’s brought her bitchy A-game here too. She walks in to the mansion and Tenley WAY overreacts when she sees her. Lots of screaming and gasping and “Oh my GOD!”-ing going on. It’s kinda sickening.

We get a voiceover of Tattoo Jesse saying that he thinks Natalie is hot. He got dumped after a Las Vegas date too, so maybe they’ll have something to bond them in the house? We shall see…

David comes out of the next limo. He’s best remembered on Jillian’s season for being a coarse, loud-mouthed, offensive bruiser-type with amazingly bright eyes and another smokin’ hot body. For his one-on-one time with Jillian on the train he basically tried to force her to kiss him, then got all upset when she rebuffed his advances.

When he walks into the mansion, Natalie says she's excited to see him. “We always have crazy fun times together!” she enthuses, and gives us our first glimpse into these peoples’ lives outside of the show. Apparently there is a whole Bachelor(ette) sub-culture out there where these guys hang out, do events, and hook up. I think that adds an interesting dynamic to the show.

Gwen comes out next. Right away we can see the copious amounts of plastic surgery she’s had on her face. It looks all puffed out unnaturally. Go online and compare what she looked like last night to what she looked like back on the second season of The Bachelor, and you’ll see why I did a double-take when she stepped out to greet Chris. On the official ABC Bachelor Pad web site, it lists her age as “?” and they never showed it last night as far as I could tell. So I guess she’s being cast as the “grande dame” of the show this season. Here’s a shot of her back in Season Two and then one of her now. You be the judge.

Before:

And now:

When she walks into the room, no one squeals or seems excited to meet her. She obviously is not part of the “in” crowd of people who have been on the last three or four seasons. We watch as David tells us he thinks she’s older than the rest of the contestants and then Tattoo Jesse says that Gwen is “…definitely someone I look at as a mom.” Ouch.

Next up is Jessie from Jake’s season. If you have been a fan of this blog since then, you remember that I used to call her “Jessie Who?” since she made it so far along in the show with barely any air time. She was Final Four, right? Well, this time around her nickname for now will be Rat Fink Jessie since she’s the one who ratted out “Rated-R” Justin to Ali last season. There’s something about her I’ve never liked. Maybe it’s because she comes off as stuck up and dumb on camera? I dunno.

Weather Guy from Ali’s season is out next. In one of the more boring, repeated interviews in past months, he again tells us that he hopes “Mr. Hair” Craig is not there and that Craig is a “Category Six A**hole”. Do you think they just took the exact same interview from him from Ali’s season and used it here? Or do you think they made him repeat it yet AGAIN for us? How tired is this getting, Weather Guy?

Nikki’s boobs are out of the next limo. She was also on Jake’s season and seemed nice, but a bit dingy and overdone. She was always about the big hair and makeup and, of course, the big boobs. She gives Chris a thumbs-up as she gets out of the car, and I’m feeling kinda “eh” about seeing here there. That is, until I hear about the drama she’s bringing to the house this season.

Apparently, Nikki was invited by Juan (another former contestant from seasons past) on a reunion cruise. But once they got on board, Juan dumped her and hooked up with another girl instead. Ouch. So, of course, Nikki stares into the camera with her GIANT dangly earrings (everything about this girl is big big BIG!) and tells us she hopes Juan won’t be on the show.

And of course, in true Bachelor fashion, the next car rolls up and, of course, Juan gets out. Yay! This is gonna be GOOD! Juan walks into the room and right away Dave says he can feel the tension building up. Juan hopes Nikki isn’t there, but she is, doing a bad job trying to hide behind a tall mimosa. Juan goes over and wants a hug from her, but she barely grazes his shoulder and rolls her eyes the whole time. Who knew this girl was all about the drama? Excellent casting choice, producers!

Next, Natalie gives us even BETTER scoop than the cruise ship story. Apparently, Juan was in Chicago and needed a place to crash, so he asked Nikki. They slept together, naturally, but Natalie says Juan only did it to get the free place to stay in Chicago (and the access to the giant boobs, presumably).

This is getting SUPER good now. I don’t know how much more I can take. Fortunately, we cut to commercial for a bit of a breather.

We come back from the commercial and Weather Guy is still on a bender about Craig. He says Craig is an alcoholic and out of shape, which didn’t seem at all to be the case on Ali’s season. Craig had one of the hotter, tighter bods during that swimsuit calendar photo shoot. Tenley tells everyone that she thinks Weather Guy just needs a hug. Awwww…thanks Tenley. You are so good and so wise. Such a fragile flower with a heart of gold, that girl. Sniff sniff.

The guy we all love to hate, Wes, is out next. He promises Chris he’s single this time and that he left his guitar at home. He does, however, manage a plug for his single when he tells Chris, “Love don’t come easy!” We get a funny cutaway of Natalie saying, “He’s a ginormous a**hole!” as he walks in the room.

Krisily arrives next. She’s another one there who is “old school” and not really part of the “in” crowd since her season was so long ago. “Who the hell is Krisily?” Weather Guy asks the crowd as we all wonder the same thing. “I totally can be a bitch,” she tells us and says it’s really intimidating to walk through the door and not know anyone. Her voice has somehow sunk about 12 octaves since she was last on this show. Smoke much, Krisily? She sounds like Bea Arthur circa Golden Girls.

Elizabeth gets out of the next limo. Folks may remember her from Jake’s season. She tossed the football with him in the driveway, made him kiss her forehead in her “I want you to kiss me/I don’t want you to kiss me” games she played, and looked a lot like Courtney Cox. This season, she’s changed her look and dyed her hair blonde. It’s a really dramatic transformation, and I’m not sure yet whether I like it or not. I beg and plead with the universe that she won’t utter the words I know have been carefully scripted for her this time around, but to no avail. They pour out of her mouth like the cliché tripe this show is known for: “I definitely think blondes have more fun!” Noooooooooooo!!! My ears!

Tenley runs up screaming to greet her since they were on the same season. Weather Guy drops another tidbit of info that will set up the other drama of the show: “Elizabeth is taken!” She tells us that she has crush on the other Jesse (I will call him Jesse K. here). “Emotions are involved, and I’m all twitterpated!” she sighs as she fans her face. And for those of you unfamiliar with the word “twitterpated”, here are Bambi and friends to explain it to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXBbgzQmpJw (bottom line…girl is horny and itching to get some…)

Of course Jesse K. comes out of the next limo. He’s a very hot, tough-guy, smoldering type with bad pointy teeth going everywhere. And of course his view of his relationship with Elizabeth is way different than the scenario she’s presented to us.  “We’ve hooked up a little bit…” he tells us. “…I just see us as friends…She thinks of us as more and wants more than I’m willing to let happen…This is not for me about love.” Uh-oh. Conflict Number Two has been ignited. Elizabeth feels twitterpated, and Jesse K. is only in this for the $250,000.

Next up is Kiptyn from Jillian’s season. He lasted a pretty long time there, but she ultimately let him go. The blogosphere was convinced that he would be the next Bachelor, but Jake flew in and snagged it away from him. Kiptyn will be remembered for the way he shakes hands with guys taller than he is with his elbow way up in the air and also for his amazing 48-pack abs. The host even references the abs as Kiptyn walks in. We don’t get to see them yet, but we do get an overhead shot of him where we see (GASP!) the beginnings of a bald spot! Quick! We need Rogaine to the set, stat!

Kiptyn tells us that he’s met Tenley and they’ve hung out and had dinner a few times. For her part, Tenley dances around giddily when she sees that Kiptyn is there too. She doesn’t know what he thinks about her, but “...if he was to make a move, I would definitely explore that…” she tells us. And those of us who watched the previews know that they will end up with their tongues down each others’ throats soon enough.

Next up is Ashley from Jake’s season. She will forever be remembered as the elementary school teacher who walked in the room in a (ahem) “snug-fitting” flight attendant’s uniform to see if she could raise Jake’s lil’ co-pilot. It didn’t work out for her, though. She walks in shrilly screaming and all the other “in crowd” ladies do the same. Jesse K. leans over to a buddy and says, “This is a revolving door of hot chicks.” Sounds like he’s twitterpating over someone other than Elizabeth. Cue ominous music.

It wouldn’t be a show without a nutcase, and so, of course, the producers have convinced Crazy Michelle from Jake’s season to come back and regale us with her death-stares and unsettling background music. “She was the crazy one from last season,” Natalie tells the others.

“She’s all kinds of drama. She’s insane. She’s gotta go!” Elizabeth says, and she knows whereof she speaks since she had to room with Crazy Michelle on Jake’s season.

Wes tells us that “…if you hook up with her, you gotta worry about her chopping your thing off.” OK, we get it producers. Michelle is crazy. They are really laying it on thick again. I’m sure she’s not as nuts as she’s being portrayed, but this all makes really good drama, so I’m buying into it for now.

Weather Guy next tells us that he really hopes Gia is there because she’s so hot, but he’s also quick to mention that she has a serious boyfriend back home so “…you gotta step back.” And then, just like magic…POOF! Gia appears out of the next limo! What a coincidence, huh? She’s still a swimsuit model and still hot. The girls immediately notice that when she walks in the room, the attention goes off of them and on to her. Gia tells us she’s worried about being there since she has a boyfriend back home. How is a hot girl supposed to survive? Poor thing.

Last up before the commercial is, of course, Weather Guy’s nemesis – Craig. Weather Guy calls him “stupid…a reckless dude…” Then we get shots of him relaxing next to the pool seemingly unaware of who has just arrived in the house. Tenley hugs Craig first and says, “I think the Weather Guy should hide!” The two guys finally see each other and it’s uncomfortable. Again, I’m sure Craig isn’t as bad as he’s portrayed on this show, but he’s still a jerk anyway. And with that we have met everyone. Or have we?

Cut to commercial.

Let’s Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer…

When we come back, we see a group of young lovelies talking about how they like all of the tall guys in the house. “Sorry Weatherman!” one exclaims to the group. Suddenly, I notice a blonde in the group that I have never seen before. Is that Gwen from a weird angle? Did Natalie all of a sudden change her hairstyle? No. It’s Peyton, from Andy’s season. Did I miss something? Did they show her coming out of a limo? I was fast-forwarding and rewinding a bunch on the DVR while trying to deal with a four-year-old who wouldn’t go to sleep, so I may have missed it, but I don’t think she had any airtime until this conversation when she suddenly popped up. Did I miss it? Did they introduce her coming out of a limo?

Chris comes into the room, taps his glass like always, and lays down the rules of the game (see above). He references the fact that there are more guys than girls here. “At some point, we will even the numbers,” he tells them ominously. At this point he introduces his co-host – Melissa Rycroft from Jason’s season (he chose her, then dumped her for the runner-up…remember?) She has blindingly white teeth and reminds him that she’s now married. Chris and Melissa say they will be back later.

The contestants start exploring the house. Once upstairs, they come to a giant door with a big lock on it. Hmmm….wonder what THAT could be? They finally head downstairs and find where they all will be sleeping during the show. It’s a huge room filled with bunk beds. Guys and girls will all sleep in the same room. Some are happier about this news than others.

Big Nikki is bummed that hot guys will see her in the morning with no make-up and with death breath. Juan warns everyone he snores like a chainsaw. Michelle is interested in who will hook up with whom. Keeping her class act intact, Natalie lies way back on a bed and tells us she doesn’t have any underwear on. This fact is made clearer by the large black box the producers have placed over her crotch, presumably to block the full-on beaver shot she so carefully has displayed for the camera. Keep it classy, Natalie!

Next, the clothes finally come off and everyone heads out to the pool. The bodies on this show – both male and female -- are truly amazing. Kudos to these people for the hard work or genes or combination thereof that went into what we get to check out. Since I’m checking out the guys, Dave and Tattoo Jesse spring to the lead for best bod. Wow. Speechless.

Over on one side of the pool, the “in crowd” of girls is already gossiping about which guy they should try to get rid of. Blonde Elizabeth thinks they should target Craig since he was such a jerk to the other guys on Ali’s season. “He’s not a very respectful guy,” she says, totally forgetting how she disrespected Jake on his season by playing kissy games with him.

Melissa comes out to spoil the fun and tell them that they should head to the front of the house for their first competition. She’s already using her arms and gesticulating way too much. It’s really distracting and unnecessary.

After we come back from commercial, none of us is surprised to see the giant Twister board set up in front of the house. But the contestants are surprised by it. “I’m not flexible!” Wes laments. We get a hilarious cutaway of Tenley with her foot literally bent behind her head and laughing giddily while she chants, “I’m gonna win Twister! Yeah, baby!” So gross.

We get a shot of the rose up for grabs, and then the camera cuts to Chris who is also wearing a shirt that is the same “roarange” color as Tenley’s outfit earlier. Melissa explains the rules and again uses her hands too much. I start to watch them instead of her blinding teeth.

The girls reiterate that they have to make sure that Craig loses, which anyone who has ever watched these competition shows knows is code for “He will win for sure.”

Melissa spins the spinner and the game begins. Immediately we get awesome shots of everyone torqued around with their asses up in the air. Wasn’t it convenient that the producers waited until everyone had changed into swimsuits before they made them do this competition? How boring would it have been if they did this in the outfits they were wearing when they got out of the limos? There are lots of funny shots of guys staring open-mouthed as girls’ naughty bits are displayed right in front of their faces. I thought at one point Jesse K.’s jaw was going to dislocate.

We’d seen the line on the previews, but at one point Gia laments, “Can someone just help me lift up my top?” as it starts to slide down and, of course, no one comes running to help her. No one will be bummed if Gia has a nip slip of any sort, so they just let her fend for herself.

One by one people start falling or touching the wrong body part to the wrong color. It’s truly amazing how many of these people get disqualified for not knowing the difference between left and right. I have played Twister lots of times (always much more clothed, mind you. This is a FAMILY blog!), and I have never seen anyone have to go out because of confusing left and right. People fall over because they get so twisted, but no one, not even kids, get left and right confused. That’s just plain stupidity.

As people are dropping like flies, Elizabeth says out loud to Craig that she hopes he loses so they can vote him out. Maybe this gives him more motivation as the Final Four compete on a standard-sized Twister board, because Craig ends up winning at the end. Before he wins, he makes a deal with Rat Fink Jessie that he will take her on the date if she ends up losing, which she does. Even though this sounds smart on Rat Fink Jessie’s part, it’s worth noting that she lost Twister because with only one other person on the board with her she put down her left hand instead of her right hand.

“I’m the king of the castle right now. I’m the king of the ‘howse’,” Craig says in his perfect Canadian accent.

Next we get weird shots of Craig’s new outfit as he scrambles around the house trying to figure out who the lucky three ladies will be who get to escort him on his date. He’s got on sort of “man-pri” pants rolled up, a bright turquoise shirt, and a weird straw hat that just screams “I’m a lame straight guy who used to be in a fraternity but doesn’t remember any of it because I drank too much”. The whole outfit makes his body look all misshapen. Maybe Weather Guy was right after all?

Craig pulls Elizabeth aside to see why she wants him out, and she tells him that she feels bad vibes from him. Then she plays the same game with him that she played with Jake. First she tells Craig she doesn’t like him, then she offers that maybe he could find a way to make her like him more. “Why don’t you win me over?” she asks. To us, she says she’s just playing it so she can get that safety rose. This woman is nuts. Another excellent casting choice.

As we go to commercial, everyone is getting ready for bed. In color, we see shots of people getting changed, getting under the covers of their own bed, or already asleep. Natalie gives Tattoo Jesse a goodnight kiss on the lips. Then the lights go out, and the color camera turns to nighttime black and white. We can’t see who it is, but two people are in bed together making a whole bunch of smacking kissing sounds that are of course amplified to impossible volumes by the producers. If you actually heard sounds that loud in your bedroom, I would advise you to run as fast as you can AWAY.

Coming back from commercial, it’s the next morning and the smooching sounds are all the buzz. Who was it? Who hooked up? Usually the quiet, demure one who doesn’t like to be in the middle of controversy, Tenley pipes up that she thinks it was Craig and Crazy Michelle doing the horizontal mambo last night. Word of this passes like wildfire around the mansion since Tenley is pure and sweet and no one would doubt a word that comes out of her mouth. Everyone gives their opinions as to why Crazy Michelle would put herself in this situation, but it mostly boils down to the fact they all think she did it so she would get asked on the date and get the safety rose. All the while the girls are telling us their opinions about Crazy Michelle, we get great shots of her patented death stares at everyone along with accompanying background “I’m a psycho! Fear me!” music.

Later, we get an interview with a woman who I at first don’t recognize. She’s telling us that the Craig/Crazy Michelle hook-up rumor isn’t fair. Then I suddenly realize THAT’S CRAZY MICHELLE! With her hair up, she’s a totally different-looking person. Wow. She’s actually really pretty like this – especially since they have stopped playing the psycho music now.

Who’s Ready for the Lamest Date of All Time?

There is a knock on the front door (darn…no doorbell!) and the first Date Card is delivered. Rat Fink Jessie goes out eagerly to get it since she knows she gets to go based on the Twister deal she made with Craig.

“Sometimes you have to get a little cold to feel the heat,” Craig reads in his stupid hat while licking his lips too much. He pretends like he’s still trying to decide which three ladies to invite on the date, then tells the groups he’s selected Rat Fink Jessie (no-brainer there). He next makes a surprise choice and chooses ageless, puffy Gwen since he feels like he hasn’t had the chance to get to know her very well (and the producers want to give her some airtime since none of us remember her and she probably won’t be on the show for very much longer.) Lastly, he chooses Elizabeth who doesn’t seem surprised at all. Crazy Michelle does look surprised she wasn’t chosen and starts with the death looks again, so maybe she did hook up with Craig last night and didn’t cut the mustard? We never find out.

We get a shot of Craig completely dousing himself with cologne and calling himself “The Lady Killer”, which is ironic because he thinks it’s his body and personality that are killer, but in actuality it’s the noxious fumes he will be giving off as well as that stupid outfit that will kill them all.

They jump into the limo, and I laugh because the ladies are already wearing their teeny tiny bikinis. On the real show, they would be dressed and then magically change at their destination, but this show spares us the pretense. It’s all about the slammin’ bods here, so they want to make sure we get the full effect at all times.

Thus begins the stupidest date ever in the history of this show. Basically, they limo out to the beach, run around in the waves in their swimsuits, scream at how cold it is, run out, and eat a picnic. Ali got to jet around the world and this is the best they could do here? There wasn’t even a helicopter in sight! What gives?

Elizabeth tells Rat Fink Jessie that she would kiss Craig for the rose, thus cementing her role as this season’s ho. She and Craig chat on the rocks and he tries to convince her he’s really a nice guy. It starts to turn a little intimate and we think there’s a hint that they might kiss, but, alas, nothing happens. “It came close!” Craig tells us. I’m guessing that if Elizabeth wouldn’t let Jake kiss her before he committed to her, that she’s not going to let Craig do it either without an assurance of a safety rose. Because that’s how hos play this game, right?

After a commercial, we come back to the mansion where Juan is saying he’s playing this game for money, not love. Natalie says the same thing: It’s all about the money. If love happens, that’s great, but she’s not going to go looking for it.

But then she goes against this sage wisdom and we see her draped all over Tattoo Jesse while they stroke each other’s extremities and kiss. “God, you’re adorable…” she whispers to him and he answers back, “I like your kisses,” like this isn’t the first time they’ve locked lips. So there’s definitely a history with these two also.

Back on the sofa, Juan and Gia agree that the guys should vote out Natalie to break up this new couple. “I’m willing to vote my friends out to get the money,” Juan says, not realizing that just like on his past season, no one in the house is friends with him, so this is kind of a moot point.

Back on Craig’s date with the three ladies, it’s now nighttime and they have all magically changed into party clothes and been transported to the Greek Theater. They walk in and Melissa is standing there gesticulating everywhere with her arms again and telling Craig that now is the time he must choose one lady to spend the rest of the date with.

He of course chooses Rat Fink Jessie since she’s the hottest of the three and if she decides to put out it wouldn’t be the end of the world for him, right? The other two leave in the limo totally unsurprised. Craig and Jessie head into the Greek and get a front row seat while Alex Band (lead singer of The Calling) serenades them with his hit single “Wherever You Will Go”. Again with the washed-up bands here. This show must be sinking fast. And was it just me, or was dude totally off-key on his big notes? It got pitchy, dog. I just wasn’t feelin’ it.

Anyway, Craig and Jessie do some lame dance moves while the band plays, they pop a bottle of champagne to make the fake romance seem real, and give each other a slo-mo hug at the end. We have absolutely no preconceptions here that these two are actually feeling any romantic chemistry at all.

And this brings us to the first big flaw in this show. These dates just don’t feel right. Since everyone already knows each other and has already hooked up with everyone, we already know who is sleeping with whom, who doesn’t like whom, and who doesn’t care about the others. The date feels forced. There was no way any three of those ladies was going to have romantic feelings for Craig and we all knew it before the date even started. It just all ended up being false romance. What do you want to bet that someone will win a challenge this season and in the three choices will be the one he/she is already dating outside of the house? Then it will be romantic, but it still won’t be a surprise to us. What works on the regular shows is that you never know what the chemistry on the dates will be and how it will go. I felt like I knew the outcome of this long before it even started. They need to do something about that to make the show more interesting. I wish there were some other way they could fill up this time. Maybe have the three selected ladies compete somehow? Or maybe the guys vote two girls to go out with Craig and then he dumps one of them and they’re off the show? I don’t know. I’m just riffing here. Any other ideas to fix this weak part of the show?

Back at the mansion, Elizabeth and Gwen have arrived home. Elizabeth immediately goes over to Jesse K. to chat. Things start to turn sour, though, as Jesse tells her his strategy does not include hanging out with just one girl (i.e. her). “It’s not going to be beneficial at all,” he tells her. The music turns all sad as Elizabeth realizes that Jesse just said he’s not “hers” during this show. “You’re just gonna mack on every girl in here?” she asks him, and we cringe that someone actually still uses that word and it’s not 1996 still.

All of a sudden Elizabeth is pissed. “You didn’t even ask me how my date was!” she accuses, which is nuts. Why would Jesse care how her date was? And didn’t she just spend time on the beach trying to get Craig to kiss her and give her a safety rose? How committed is she to Jesse if she’s willing to kiss other guys to further herself in the game? I call BS on Elizabeth. She’s starting to bug me big time now. “I don’t have to whore myself out to win $250,000,” she asserts, which is a total lie since that’s exactly what she just tried to do on the beach.

Then she turns threatening and reminds Jesse that there are girls in the house who have her back and who won’t be happy if Jesse pisses her off. He’d better watch how he treats her if he wants to stay. Jesse can’t believe she’s threatening him like this (neither can I!)

Jesse says he’s completely confused by her and leaves to join the guys. There’s a funny moment where he imitates Elizabeth in his best girlie voice saying, “You didn’t even ask me how my date was!” Score one for Jesse K. Very funny stuff.

Now Elizabeth is crying to the camera and telling us that her interaction with Jesse broke her heart. “When I kiss him, I feel love…I know he doesn’t feel it back, and it hurts…I’m SO emotional!” and we note our first crier of the season as the tears flow. Lord help the guys in there if all of the girls end up on the same cycle in that house. They all already seem like emotional basket cases. Should make for some good TV, though, huh?

Craig and Rat Fink Jessie come back from their date and there’s high roller Frank Sinatra-style music playing in the background for some reason even though they didn’t go to Las Vegas. They rehash their date in the bunk bed room while Crazy Michelle lies on her stomach on her bed, slowly eating something from a bowl and casting death daggers at everyone.

She tells us that she can’t believe Tenley started the rumor about Crazy Michelle and Craig kissing in bed last night, and that she wants to confront her about it. Meanwhile, we see Tenley dance and spin in a very funny way while the creepy music swells and Michelle stares her down with evil in her eyes.

Crazy Michelle waits until her prey is trapped and then corners Tenley in the bathroom. For added effect she slams the door shut so they can be alone (and to totally freak out Tenley). The producers have a field day with the editing here. I’m sure Michelle wasn’t as nutso as they made her look, but it’s entertaining to watch anyway.

“I’m really f***ing mad that you said that about me!” we hear Michelle rant from behind the closed door. “You started it all!” Ooo…this is getting good. Michelle is very Disney evil queen right now. I expect a “Bwah-hah-hah!” and a blast of green smoke at any second.

For her part, Tenley tells us that Michelle had her foot blocking the door so she couldn’t get out. She started to feel unsafe. “She was yelling at me!” she gasps. “It was really scary!” How much more Disney could this scene get? The poor princess trapped in the evil clutches of the villain. All we need is for Kiptyn, Weather Guy, and the other dwarves to come Hi-Ho’ing home from work to rescue her before she bites the poisoned apple.

In the next shot, Tenley has finally escaped from Michelle’s evil clutches and is breaking down in a chair talking to Elizabeth. Elizabeth wants to know what’s wrong, but Tenley is crying so hard she can’t even speak. She thinks she’s scared, but I’m guessing that Tenley has never started a rumor before in her life, and this one came back to bite her BIG time and so she didn’t know how to react other than to cry.

It’s funny to watch the telephone game that ensues around the bedroom as news of Tenley’s run-in with Michelle starts to spread. People lean from one bunk to the next whispering the news like the kids at the drive-in whispering from car to car announcing Rizzo’s impending “bun in the oven” in Grease.

Tenley is worried that people will vote her out because she started a rumor. Elizabeth tells her not to worry and that they will let the guys know Michelle needs to be the one to go.

The Rose Ceremony

As we come back from commercial, it’s the next morning and we find Juan and Nikki chatting on the couch. He’s trying his darnedest to give her an apology for dumping her on the cruise boat, and she’s pretending to listen, but she tells us she’s not having any of it.

“I’m sorry for being kind of a di**,” he says to her. Dude…”Kind of” a di**?  What you did to her goes beyond “kind of a di**” and moves into “total douchebag” territory. She says, “It was humiliating!” in her interview and she becomes Crier Number Two as she waves her hand in front of her face and starts to bawl about the whole cruise ship thing.

Out at the pool Krisily tells Natalie that she wants to vote off the stronger guys first like Dave and Tattoo Jesse. Natalie immediately pulls Dave aside to tell him this. He’s funny as he keeps calling Krisily “Krissy Lee” like it’s two words. This girl is so unknown they aren’t even pronouncing her name correctly yet! Dave feels nervous and wonders if they should send “Krissy Lee” home first.

Then we cut to Elizabeth and Jesse K. again. I feel so bad for this guy already. He wants to play the game in the house, but this crazy faux-blonde chick is blocking his every move.  She breaks down and starts crying again that she loves him, but he doesn’t feel the same way back. She reminds him that girls will keep him or vote him out based on how he treats her. In the middle of the conversation, she even starts making up lines that she feels Jesse should be saying like, “I am in love with the girl.” Awesome. Elizabeth is WAY worse than Crazy Michelle. It’s just funny that she doesn’t know it herself.

She tries to talk Jesse out of his strategy of playing the solo guy, but he’s not sure. She pours on the guilt by saying, “I just thought you’d appreciate what I do for you,” and he says he does. “I do appreciate it…no other guy has anyone pulling for him like I have you,” and the sexual innuendo flows – “what I DO for you”, “PULLING for him”. Don’t even get me started.

Elizabeth reminds him that it’s not just about money on this show (even though Jesse has told the camera that it really is just all about the money for him here). He relents and apologizes for his bad timing and bad strategy. “Elizabeth is constantly talking with these girls,” he reminds us so we won’t think he’s p-whipped (which he totally is). “I’m in a really bad spot…I’m just hoping it’s not too late!” This girl has taken up entirely TOO MUCH time on the show tonight. I am sick of her already!

Now it’s sunset and everyone is packing for the impending vote. Chris taps his ever-present glass to get them to assemble, and then tells them how the voting will go. Each person will go by themselves into the deliberation room where they will find photos of every contestant. Tucked behind each photo will be another stack of photos. They should pull out the photo of the person they want out, and put it in the ballot box. Whoever’s photo gets pulled the most is out.

We watch as they go in one by one, and it highlights another flaw with this game. I am assuming that each photo has the same number of photos behind it. Can’t the contestants figure out how the people before them voted? They merely need to count the photos behind the frames to see who has the least left. They don’t even need to see what’s inside the ballot box. This seems like a major oversight, although I’m not sure there’s really anyone in the house smart enough to figure this out. But if, let’s say, Weather Guy came in and picked up Crazy Michelle’s photo, wouldn’t he notice that there were only a few photos left behind it while all the other ladies’ frames were full of extra photos? This seems odd unless these guys really are that dumb.

We watch as people start to pull photos and stuff them in the ballot box. Sometimes we see their vote (Wes votes out Michelle and Michelle votes for Jesse K.), but for the most part the photos are turned away from us so we can’t tell who is voting for whom.

While they wait for the vote, Crazy Michelle asks Craig point blank if he voted for her, and he flat-out lies to her and says “No” even though we just saw him pull her photo. Natalie tells us she voted for Juan and uses Bachelor math to tell us why: “He’s 110% untrustworthy!” She also doesn’t like the way he treated Nikki.

Krisily tells us she’s nervous she could be out tonight since no one knows her. I struggle to find Peyton anywhere. Did I really see her earlier? Or was that just in my mind? Why isn’t she registering at all for me so far?

Juan advises Nikki not to tear his photo into little pieces before she drops it in the box, but then tells us confidently, “I know she likes having me around. I know she won’t vote me out.” Smooth move, Ex-Lax. We fade to commercial as the dramatic music swells. Who will be the first guy and girl voted out?

As we come back, the girls are on one side and the guys are on the other. All the guys are dressed in their dapperest duds except for Craig who still is sporting some weird mélange of beachwear and Vaudeville. Jesse K. tells us he’s nervous. Krisily does her best smoky Lucille Ball voice and says, “I’ve never wanted a rose so bad in my life! Cough! Cough! Cough! Pass the oxygen!”

Chris says he has 15 roses to hand out to the people who are safe. Craig and Rat Fink Jessie are already safe. Lame-ass Melissa will hand the roses out as the names are called. I finally realize that she is totally useless on this show. What exactly is her role? She blinded us with white teeth and moved her arms a lot. Chris does that just fine all by himself. Maybe she’s off Dancing with the Stars this season and this was the consolation ABC gave her? We shall see, but this was pretty lame casting.

So Chris begins to dramatically say the names of the people who are safe. In order, they are: Gia, Tattoo Jesse (yay!), Peyton (who?), Kiptyn, Tenley (cut to Kiptyn’s big smile at this news), Big Nikki, Flight Attendant Ashley, hot hot hot David, bitchy “no underwear” Natalie, Wes (the rose on his lapel starts to sag and droop as he walks away from Melissa. The next spokesperson for Viagra? We shall see…), Gwen, blonde Elizabeth, and Weather Guy.

Now it’s down to Crazy Michelle and Krisily on the ladies’ side and Juan and Jesse K. on the men’s side. We see two limos waiting right next to the ceremony. Chris delivers the news that Krisily and Jesse K. are safe, which means Juan and Crazy Michelle are both out. Cut to a self-satisfied, smug grin on Big Nikki’s face. “It will be less stressful,” she tells us.

In the back of his limo, Juan says he is “shocked and disappointed” and he thinks he’s out because of Nikki. Gee…ya think? He notices that Nikki is the only one who didn’t say goodbye to him. “I have to take that personally,” he tells us, “so I guess she gets the last laugh.”

Weather Guy comes up with the line of the night (just in the nick of time, too! I thought there wouldn’t be one tonight!) as he says of Michelle’s departure: “There weren’t enough roses for all of Michelle’s personalities. Beside, it’s hard to put a rose on a strait jacket!” Oh snap! Good one, Weather Guy!

In the back of her limo, Crazy Michelle tells us that she “…didn’t deserve to be treated this way at all…It’s upsetting because Tenley started a rumor that I did something with Craig. That made me very upset…because of that rumor, it ruined my chances of winning the money.” Notice how at no time during the show did Crazy Michelle ever deny getting hot and heavy with Craig.

One last thing that bums me out about this show is that we never know what the actual tally was in the final vote. On Survivor and Big Brother they tell us “The vote was 6-1…you’re out!” and/or they show each person flashing their written vote on the screen while the credits roll at the end. They don’t do that here. It makes me feel suspicious that the producers are playing around with the numbers to fit what they want to have happen each week. Who knows? Why not just show how the vote was and tell us? What if it had been a tie? Would we have known about it?

Previews

The previews show us more of what we saw at the top of the show – scantily clad bodies, lots of tears, lots of shouting and pissed off faces, and Chris Harrison wearing a god-awful purple shirt/tie combo. Can’t wait for that episode so I can rail on it.

Credits

I am so excited to see that during the credits they roll outtakes here too just like on the regular shows. This time around we have Weather Guy and Natalie out by the pool. He’s strumming a guitar and playing some chords.  He tells Natalie, “You should serenade us with a song!” but she doesn’t start singing. When he asks her what’s up, she answers, “I just fell in love with your chords!” which I think was supposed to have some sort of sexual innuendo imbedded in it, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. The wonders of Natalie’s mind.

She finally starts singing. I have transcribed the lyrics here only for you, my adoring fans:

“Ohhh…the Weather Man

He tells the forecast

I always know what to wear

Oh the weather

The Weather Weather Man

If he weren’t here right now I might be in my underwear

My underwear! Underwear!”

(which we all know is a lie since she hasn’t been wearing any underwear for this whole episode. I’ll betcha anything she didn’t even pack any in her suitcase when she was getting ready to come on the show…)

As the song fades out, Weather Man adds in this last line: “Maybe a G-string with the Weather Man…” like he has any shot of seeing Natalie in a G-string. Maybe he means the one he’s plucking on his guitar?

While this interaction itself is funny, it’s even better when the camera cuts to Big Nikki and others in the kitchen peeking out the window and rolling their eyes at the song Natalie and Weather Man are singing. Priceless expressions from all involved.

OK, fans. That’s a wrap for this week. Hope you enjoyed the show as much as I did. Don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook. I’d really appreciate it. We have a pitiful few members there compared to how many hundreds hit this site every week. And I post a lot more fun stuff over there. This is just where the blog lives. For all of the fun links and pictures, you need to be on “After the Rose” on Facebook. And I’d appreciate it if you told a friend to join too! Much obliged…

Thanks again to my international audience. We added Peru, Belgium, the Netherlands, and Spain these past two weeks while I was gone. Welcome!  Please leave some comments and let me know what you thought of the show, the blog, or anything else. I’d love to hear any feedback you have.

See you next week for more fun and bikini bods!