Boy, this week didn’t disappoint in the trashy department, huh? It doesn’t get much skankier than mashing lips and swapping saliva with eight or nine other people while blindfolded. Geez…I thought it was going to just be pecks on the lips – not full on tongues down throats!
Due to me being off of my summer schedule now, this week’s posting is going to be a “Best and Worst” format. Life is hectic right now (those of you who know me personally know why!) Hopefully next week I can do more. Onward…
Most “Oh My God Will You Please Just Shut Up Already?” Person on the Show:
Hands down…Gia. That girl got more air time last night than Kiptyn’s abs and David’s lips combined (Ooo…now THERE’S a vision…combine those two…) At the start of the show she was calling Big Nikki out for having waffled on her voting on the previous episode, but poor Nikki couldn’t get a word in edgewise as Gia kept pounding home the point that Nikki was wrong. Every time Nikki opened her mouth to defend herself, Gia was there with a retort to put her back in her place. Shut up already!
Then, throughout the whole show, all we heard about was how torn Gia was because she has a boyfriend back home and all the shenanigans in the house and her sudden, apparent lust for Wes have thrown the relationship with said boyfriend into a tizzy. “I don’t know what to do! I can’t do this! I have a boyfriend! I am way less attractive now that everyone has seen my true personality!” Wah wah wah…she goes on and on. Shut up already ! (Part 2)
I actually liked Gia on Jake’s season and was kinda rootin’ for her back then. Last night, I was just so glad to see her finally go. Why come on this show if you know you have a serious boyfriend back home and you know the producers are going to subject you to all sorts of temptations? And then to make matters worse, why complain about it over and over and over again. Enough. Girl got to go…
Grand Prize Winner of the “Your Parents Must Be So Proud!” Award
This, of course, goes to Natalie – that gorgeous skank of a girl who uttered such demure lines as, “I would make out with every guy in this house for $25!” and “This is the best Vegas date I’ve ever had!” (Implying that there has been more than one…or maybe implying that it was better than being dumped by Jason in Vegas? Who knows…)
Not only does she say she’s a skank, she shows us by being the only girl to take her top off at the topless pool. And the producers have a field day as they again bring out the black boxes and strategically place them over her boobs as she frolics in the pool with Dave and the other girls.
So now Natalie has had every private area black-boxed out. Can you imagine her parents kicking back at home last night watching this all unfold?
“Um, Joe? Why are those annoying black boxes all over Natalie all the time? Is there something wrong with our TV?”
“No, Sweetie. There’s something wrong with the part of our daughter’s brain that makes good decisions.”
Wouldn’t you just LOVE to be a fly on the wall during Thanksgiving at THAT household this year?
Most Contrived “I Don’t Believe It For A Second” Romance on the Show So Far This Season:
Wes and Gia, of course. First off, it’s very obvious the producers are trying really, really hard to make sure we know Wes isn’t the horrible guy they painted him to be during Jillian’s season. I’m not sure why they have done this big about-face with him, but they have been building this courtship with Gia like he’s the perfect Texas gentleman cowboy. I keep expecting evil Wes to burst out and cackle that he really has fourteen girlfriends back home and he’s playing Gia like a fiddle, but it never happens.
I can see what Wes sees in Gia (smokin’ hot bikini model bod…duh), but I can’t for the life of me figure out what Gia sees in Wes. He’s an attractive guy, I guess, but she’s a sophisticated New York City model with a serious boyfriend back home. Why is she snuggling up to him and eating up every one of his cheesy lines? Does she not hear, like we can, how robotic Wes’s voice is as he lays all of the compliments on so heavy? He doesn’t mean a word.
This whole romance screams “Contrived by the producers!” and I am not buying it for one second.
Best Use of Music During the Episode:
As the kissing contest starts and the studly guys are grabbing the ladies by the jaws and plunking their lips down, quasi-porno music plays in the background and it all gets a little “Showtime After Hours”. But the moment it’s Weather Man’s turn, they roll out the dumbass “This guy has no idea what he’s doing” music. Hilarious transition there. Poor guy…
Lamest Reason to Bow Out of a Kissing Contest:
Ashley: “I don’t want to lose the respect of my students!...Money can’t buy the respect of my students!”
OK…let me break it down for you, Ashley. On Jake’s season, you came out to a cocktail party dressed in a flight attendant’s outfit that was only a bit less skimpy than the one worn by Lolita Humpalot in her last tour de force Four in a Cockpit. And we all saw where THAT got you, right? You slutted it up and Jake dumped you like a skanky blonde from Swampville, Florida. That outfit absolutely SCREAMED slutty. But apparently, it didn’t force you to lose the respect of your students. (In fact, I would guess that several of your students – particularly the male ones—gained MORE respect for you, right?)
Then, after seeing that whole debacle on national TV and how you were edited to be a slutty flight attendant when you were really just a slutty high school teacher, you sign a contract to appear on yet ANOTHER skanky show by the same producers. Hoping what? That they would make you less slutty this time around? I’m not following the logic here.
Then, in an apparent moment of clarity (“Oh holy mother of all that is good…what have I DONE?!”) you suddenly realize that getting blindfolded and kissing ten guys who have all been slurping on ten other ladies probably won’t go over so well with the teenage crowd – and, more importantly, their parents.
Ashley, sweetie, I’m here to tell you that you lost all respect of anyone when you signed up to do the original Bachelor show. I actually think we would have had MORE respect for you if you had gone full bore last night and hopped on to every set of lips parked in front of your face. And what if you had WON?! Damn, talk about respect amongst your students. Winning something like that would up your cachet WAY more at school than coaching the Glee Club or directing the fall production of Our Town. You know I’m right, Ash. Think about it.
Biggest Shock on Last Night’s Show:
No…it wasn’t who got booted off or that Natalie’s boobies were flying free. It was how short Gia is! Did anyone else notice during the kissing contest how far down all the guys had to stoop to reach her lips? It was almost comical for some of them. How is this girl a model? Don’t models have to be at least, like, 7’3” or something? This girl is positively puny. I guess with the kind of (ahem) “bikini modeling” she does, she lies down more than she stands up, so it doesn’t make a difference.
Oh, wait. I just did a search and found this clip where she’s standing up a lot. I stand corrected: Click Here for Soft Porn Gia!
She’s still pretty short, though.
Most Disgusting Scene of the Night:
Elizabeth, after she has made out hot and heavy with Weather Guy, spitting out a mouthful of what looked like his spit bubbles mixed with her spit bubbles mixed with her vomit mixed with cottage cheese. What WAS that coming out of her mouth? So gross…
Best Insight Into a Contestant’s Personality:
Wes, when he says that the kissing contest freaked him out because he’s a germaphobe. Then he tells us he’s not into women kissing him aggressively, “…unless I’m absolutely hammered.” These lines just kinda write themselves, don’t they?
Biggest Laugh Out Loud Moment of the Season So Far:
There are few times during any of these shows where I literally LOL, but I was really cracking up at one scene in particular last night. On their Las Vegas date, while Dave and Krisily are canoodling on a chaise and Krisily is mustering up the wherewithal to tell Dave she actually may have some feelings for him, we cut to a shot of Natalie leaping across all the chaise lounges like she’s skipping freely through a meadow of unicorns and leprechauns. We cut back to a shot of Dave, open-mouthed as Natalie’s boobies bounce along with her, and then cut to a priceless shot of Krisily’s face crumpling with depression as she realizes that Natalie has totally stolen her mojo. Dave is never going to be into her with THAT bouncing around all over the place like Tigger with a boob job.
I truly laughed hard at this scene. There was something about the way they cut to Natalie bounding across the lounges that was just perfectly timed and hilarious.
Most Ironic Line of the Night:
Dave and Natalie have just agreed to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite. Dave tells us they have been friends for a while and that he’s interested to take her for a test run and see how her boobs feel and if she’s as good in bed as the 47 other former contestants say she is see if maybe their friendship can go to the next level. They make out a bunch and then end up on the bed.
As things get hot and heavy, Dave gets up to shut the door and says, “She’s a real straight-up person!” but we can clearly see that Natalie is reclining back in her best “I’m ready for my close-up…oh…and sex!” pose in the background. There is absolutely nothing "straight up" about Natalie at that point. She's down and dirty, pure and simple.
Lamest Date of the Season:
Going drag racing, right? You do it alone. There’s no way to share it with your date since you sit in a car by yourself and race them. And it seemed like a good deal of the races were between the guys with Peyton just watching. Obviously, the producers again want us to believe that these dates spark romance, but I’m not buyin’ it. This was just an excuse to get some “vroom vroom” shots of the guys being all testosterone-filled (which they didn’t even play up that much).
This date was SO BORING! I’ll tell you how boring it was:
This date was so boring that they forced Kovacs and Peyton to eat at a skanky-looking burrito stand. Dave and the girls got topless pools in Vegas, and THIS was the best they could muster for poor ol’ Peyton and Co.?
This date was so boring, they had to show us Kovacs and Kiptyn sitting in the bleachers with a picnic basket between them like a gay couple (and what a couple that would make, huh? Woof!) talking strategy since Peyton chose Tattoo Jesse for the alone time.
This date was so boring that the rose Peyton pins on Tattoo Jesse is at full sideways tilt before he even turns around. Even the flowers can’t stay awake. (And while we’re on the subject…shouldn’t a prerequisite of this show be that you know how to properly pin a flower on a lapel? C’mon, ladies…it’s not that hard!)
This date was so boring that the “Fantasy Suite” (if you can call it that this season) is actually the locked room upstairs in the mansion where everyone else can hear the bed bumping (or not) and the couples moaning (or not). It’s like bringing your date home to sleep at your parents’ house. Not much fun gonna happen there…
Line I’d Most Love to Respond to Personally:
Kiptyn telling Peyton, “I want you to tell me how my bumper is. Make sure everything’s clean back there.”
‘Nuff said…
Biggest “Ouch! That’s Gotta Sting at Least a Little!” Line of the Night:
Tie
1. After spending the night with Peyton in the Fantasy Suite, Tattoo Jesse tells us, “She’s just someone who will make someone a good wife some day.” Which is hot guy talk for, “She wouldn’t put out even though the producers cut in shots of the two of us lying suggestively head to toe on the bed together.”
2. How hard did we all laugh as Kiptyn literally kicked Tenley out of his bed? I only wish we could have more shots of her face crumpling afterwards.
1. After spending the night with Peyton in the Fantasy Suite, Tattoo Jesse tells us, “She’s just someone who will make someone a good wife some day.” Which is hot guy talk for, “She wouldn’t put out even though the producers cut in shots of the two of us lying suggestively head to toe on the bed together.”
2. How hard did we all laugh as Kiptyn literally kicked Tenley out of his bed? I only wish we could have more shots of her face crumpling afterwards.
Weirdest Fashion Statement:
TIE
1. Dave’s morning headband. I mean, really, WTF? Did you see him in those shots as Peyton and Tattoo Jesse came down from the Fantasy Suite? He had some sort of black band wrapped around his head like he didn’t want to muss his hair or something. What was up with that?
2. Chris Harrison’s Pepto-Bismol shirt. Talk about your upset stomach and diarrhea…I’m all for guys wearing pink, but tone it down about 23 shades, Chris.
3. Nikki’s GIGANTIC turquoise necklace on the Las Vegas date. I always say everything about this girl has to be big, and she certainly did not disappoint with this one. She could barely hold her neck up straight.
4. Melissa’s dress at the Rose Ceremony. That one just sent me over the edge. What was up with all the crap fluttering on her chest? She looked like a cross between a fashionable ostrich and a molting swan. it was like one of her rejected Dancing with the Stars outfits. Just horrible…
Most “You Finally Listened to My Advice!” Person on the Show:
Surprisingly, this one goes to Melissa. I have been harping and harping on her all season for how much she over-uses her hands, arms, and gestures. Well, tonight her hands barely budged for the whole two hours. I don’t give her complete credit, though, since it’s plain to see that the gigantic red, plastic bracelet on one of her wrists is clearly holding everything down. But I’m all for whatever makes her remember to stop gesticulating wildly. Go girl!
Line That I Need a Stoner to Explain to Me:
After being eliminated, Weather Guy is doing his back seat limo interview and tells us, “This game is like love and life amplified and compacted.” Drop some LSD and discuss. Woah…dude….
Biggest “Ooo! I Can’t WAIT!” Moment:
TIE
1. In the previews for next week, we see the competition is going to be everyone answering really scandalous questions about each other: “Who has the worst boob job? Who is the fakest?” I can’t wait to hear the answers and see the reactions of the people who are going to be the answers to those questions. We get tons of shots of all kinds of girls sobbing and hiding their faces in shame. Awesome stuff.
2. During one commercial break, they announce that ABC will run a “live news conference” (whatever the heck THAT means) to announce the newest cast for Dancing with the Stars. Bring it on!
I hope that was enough to satisfy your trash TV appetites this week. Some of you tell me that you like these types of postings better than the ones with all of the details anyway, so hopefully I have appeased at least a few of you! But I’m sorry this one is shorter than usual.
Keep showing me your support by liking After the Rose over on Facebook. Over 600 people read this blog last week, but only 28 people like my Facebook page? So sad. Show me some love…pretty please?
Catch you next week for all of the post-“Who has the worst boob job?” drama!
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