The Shower of Shame, Pearl Harbor, and Chopping Blocks

Sorry for the delay this week. I’ve got a close family member in the hospital, and all of my free time is going to hanging out with her until she’s up and around again. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I missed one second of Monday night’s show. I get to have some fun too this week, right?

Let’s get started…

Most Exaggerated Line of the Night:

Wes at the top of the show saying that it was “…an absolute atrocity…” that Gia went home last time. Really, Wes? An atrocity? The Holocaust was an atrocity. George Bush’s presidency was an atrocity. A horny swimsuit model from New York getting booted from a sleazy reality show and into the arms of her hot-and-heavy boyfriend is the same? Time to take a step back, big guy, and take in the big picture.

Biggest “Get Over It” Moment of the Show:

Dave calls Wes a “jackass” because he is one, and Wes can’t let it go. Awkward silences from all of the others ensue while the two of them start sparring verbally. Wes knows he’s outnumbered and has no more friends now that Gia is history, so all he has left is macho bravado, apparently, and it ain’t workin’ out too well for him. All Dave has to do is remind Wes that he won Best Kisser last week and the smackdown will be done…

Most “WTF?” Part of the Show:

The montage with “Sad Wes” in the swimming ppol. Wait…was he wearing UNDERWEAR in there? Those were boxer briefs and not a swimming suit, right? Um…ew. There’s no liner in boxer briefs, dude. Pubes all over the tub, dude. Barf me out. And what was up with the apparent suicide attempt when he went underwater and tried to sink himself to the bottom by blowing out all his air and staying there? Were we supposed to feel sorry for him? Didn’t work. To me, he was just a creepy tattooed guy in his un-lined underpants holding his breath for attention. Next…

Chris Harrison Fashion Faux Pas of the Night:

The way-too-tight gray sweater he had on during the competition. That thing was stretched so tight around his waist that his love handles had their own handles. If it weren’t for the V-neck, I would have sworn that was a battleship standing next to Melissa’s wildly oscillating arms. You know Chris is sporting a bad outfit when I remember it more than I remember what the hot guys were wearing (or not wearing as the case may be…)

Cattiest Line of the Night:

This one goes to Natalie, who, while describing Krisily, says: “Krisily’s everybody’s enemy because she’s straight up (pregnant pause)… just….(another pause)….a BITCH!” Ah, Natalie. Just when I think you can’t top your lounge prancing last week, you pull out the zinger of the night. All is right with my world now…

Biggest “I’m a Dumb Blonde Even Though I’m Not Naturally a Blonde!” Moment:

Elizabeth, who has to write down how many questions she’s gotten correct on her hand during the competition. Because it’s really tough to keep track of all of those numbers between one and four during a hard-hitting game such as that. And while we’re on the topic of the competition, it’s time for…

The Best Competition EVER in the History of Reality Show Competitions:

Sure, Survivor and Big Brother have done these survey-type things where everyone has to be honest about everyone else and then vote on answers to win points. But those paled in comparison to what these young lovelies were forced to answer Monday night. Whereas Survivor contestants have been thrown such softballs as, “Who does the least work in the camp?” and Big Brother house guests have had to answer, “Who snores the loudest?” these singles got nailed with zingers such as, “Who is the most shallow?” and my favorite of the night, “Who has the worst boob job?” Classic!

I don’t know what was funnier – watching them filling out the survey to choruses of, “Oh no! (head shake and tears)…This is so unfair!” or watching their faces as one by one they found out that they were the answers to the most horrible questions.

Whose reaction was more priceless? Tenley’s face shriveling into a California Raisin as she dutifully tried to answer her survey? Natalie’s look of “I’m A Strong Woman Who Doesn’t Care on the Outside but Who Is Shattered on the Inside” when she found that she was voted “Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride”? Or Elizabeth’s awkward looks down at her chest as she was crowned “Miss Bad Boob Job of 2010”?

And what other show could give us better moments than Natalie voting for herself as the dumbest only to have the title stripped away by the dark horse Gwen? Or Kovacs telling us that he knows his girlfriend does indeed have the worst boob job, but that he can’t write that down because then he’s not getting any lovin’ from her for the rest of the show? Or Elizabeth telling us, “I don’t even know what shallow really means!” after being voted Most Shallow by the gang? Or how about Natalie realizing that her boyfriend-of-the-hour Dave just voted her “Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride” thus signaling his intentions to just use her during the show to let out some hormonal urges and win $250,000 but then never call her once taping is done? It’s too hard to choose, n’est-ce pas?

Any way you slice it, this was one of my favorite competitions of all time on any show, hands down. And watching the waterworks afterwards was almost as good, dontcha think? Reality TV perfection…

Most Overused Room of the Series:

The bathroom…and, more specifically, the shower. After being bruised and battered at the competition, Natalie retires to the place where we just heard Kovacs and Elizabeth do the Vertical Viennese Waltz last week. I sure hope they hosed that shower down with Clorox before Natalie got into it and knelt in the corner sobbing. Lord knows what STDs are still lurking in that place. Didn’t you love Gwen’s face as she tried to get into the shower to comfort Natalie? It was like she was drawing back the curtain on some sort of illicit activity that she knew she shouldn’t be watching but was strangely drawn to like Chris Harrison to bad fashion. Maybe being voted dumbest wasn’t such a stretch for our pal Gwen after all?

Most “A Guy Can Dream, Can’t He?” Moment:

Watching Kovacs go INTO the closet to comfort Elizabeth. Sigh…if only he would come OUT of the closet one of these days so at least I’d have a shot. Papa like. I’m just sayin’…

Biggest “AHA!” Moment of the Show

Has it dawned on anyone else that Elizabeth still calls her boyfriend by his last name – Kovacs? What’s up with that? Is that common? I can’t think of one woman I’ve ever known who calls her boyfriend by his last name. I’ve heard Sweetie, Honey, Pookie, A**hole, and Man-Wh*re…but never a last name. What gives? It’s kinda creepy to me. It depersonalizes him in her eyes, I think. Or maybe the producers are making her do it since there are still two Jesse’s left in the competition?

Best Triumphant Return of the Show:

Our old pal the helicopter is back! After appearing in nearly every single episode of Ali’s season, we thought our friend Mr. Helicopter had rotored his last trip. But never one to be counted out, he makes a surprise appearance in this episode as he flies Tenley and Kiptyn to their Dream Date on Catalina Island. For added effect, Kiptyn has to tell us and Tenley about forty times that he’s never been in a helicopter before. We are happy to see the helicopter back assuming it’s rightful place among the stretch limos, the battered taxi vans, and the open-air planes as the transportations of choice for our contestants. Welcome home, Little Buddy!

Biggest “Oh My God Could this Girl BE Any More Disney?!” Scene:

After Kiptyn and Tenley have bored us to tears with their stupid double entendres about zip lining and taking their relationship to new heights (Get it? Cuz when you zip line, you’re up HIGH!), we get a shot of the campsite where they will be having dinner and canoodling for the rest of the night.

And as if the producers haven’t already set Tenley up as a Disney princess with her chirpy voice, her always-sunny disposition, her romantic balletic swirls, and her chastity belt firmly clenched between her thighs, they give us shots of woodland creatures (specifically deer) making their way through the campsite before Tenley and Kiptyn’s arrival. Could this scene have screamed Cinderella or Snow White any more? I fully expected Doc and Dopey and Smarmy (the lesser-known eighth dwarf who was cut from the original film version) to wriggle out from underneath the pillows and the evil stepmother to lock Tenley up high in the tower. We get it, producers…Tenley is sickeningly, vomitously, horrendously pure and perfect and sugar and spice and everything nice. We don’t need deer stalking through her scenes to know that.

But wait…maybe all is not so “Some Day My Prince Will Come” with Tenley? Did you all catch the…

Biggest “I KNEW IT!” Moment:

I have to tell you that I was doing my “Toldja so! Toldja so!” dance around the room when Tenley told us, “I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart…” I KNEW it! Tenley totally threw it down with Jakey Boy in the Fantasy Suite. Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, Miss “I’m saving myself until my second marriage” is actually a slut who gives it up to a limousine company owner with killer abs. To be fair, I think most of us would have jumped at a chance to watch ol’ Jake in action nekkid, but I now feel vindicated that Miss Tenley is not as pure as we were led to believe.

Best “You Thought I Was Kinda Smart, but I’m Really Dumber Than Gwen” Line of the Night:

On her date with Tattoo Jesse, Peyton tells him, “I feel like I’m on the Pearl Harbor!” THE Pearl Harbor? Do you mean you feel like you’re in the movie Pearl Harbor, Peyton? Or did you mean that you felt like you were in the midst of one of the worst attacks ever on Americans where thousands of people were killed? Or is there a small plane named the Pearl Harbor where you come from? Either way, your statement is just downright stupid. You know things are bad when you’re sounding dumber than Gwen. Gwen is the chick who let herself in to the Bathtub of Shame and Gonorrhea, right?

Gayest Decorating of the Night:

I am a gay man so I can poke fun at gay decorating. What pilot in their right mind would sit in a gigantic airplane hangar, eat dinner on crushed velvet couches, and then hang parachute fabric from the rafters wafting down softly over the entire scene. I can’t imagine that Tattoo Jesse thought of that himself. Did anyone else notice how the fabric hung just so to create the perfect billowy airy effect? Can you imagine the guy in charge of getting all of that hung up there? “I want more billow! More billow! It’s not parachute-y enough! More hang!” Too too much…

Biggest “Me Show You My True Color” Moment of the Night:

Jesse and Peyton are having a totally awesome airplane date until Jesse starts to sip his martini. His true colors come out in full force the drunker he gets. Poor Peyton gets a full dose of the real Tattoo Jesse as he blows a gigantic, wet burp right in her face. That’ll cut the sexual tension down to zero, huh? Next he tries several times to pick Peyton’s nose, which grosses her out to no end. Then he mixes champagne into his martini and makes Peyton hurl chunks all over the gay guy’s gorgeous parachute material.

Tattoo Jesse is playing the part of the annoying little brother perfectly. I’m shocked they didn’t show him flashing his bare ass and laying a huge fart in her ear for good measure. I still think this guy is totally hot, but he’s definitely one of those guys whose mouth you keep closed and who you don’t bring home to meet Mom.

Most Bummed Couple of the Night:

For the second week in a row, Peyton and Tattoo Jesse only get offered the room upstairs in the mansion instead of a swanky hotel room Fantasy Suite. Last week Dave and Natalie lived it up and humped like monkeys in a Vegas villa while Peyton and Tattoo Jesse had to pretend to have sex when they really didn’t back home in the mansion. Again this week, while Kiptyn and Tenley get to have their Disney Dream Date on Catalina complete with forest creatures and chaise lounges under the stars, Peyton and Tattoo Jesse again get offered a room upstairs from where everyone else sleeps. What gives?

Best “The Producers Totally Fed Me This Line” Line of the Night:

After the fiasco of Peyton and Tattoo Jesse’s date, we for some reason cut to Dave waxing all knowledgeable about their chemistry saying, “Jesse B. and Peyton just aren’t a good mix. Kinda like champagne and vodka…”

Wow! What are the odds that Tattoo Jesse would mix together vodka and champagne and that Dave would use that EXACT MIXTURE to talk about things even though he wasn’t on the date? Geez…Dave is not only hot and the best kisser, but he apparently has super-psychic powers too. Is anyone else not buying this for one second? That line was fed to him pure and simple. Oh, and Dave needs to shave off that scraggly beard. He’s hotter without it.

Most Overused Phrase of the Season:

Normally I get on this show’s case for how many times the words “amazing”, “journey”, or “awesome” are used over and over and over every episode. But for this series we have a new clear favorite “go to” phrase: “chopping block”. I kept count last night, and “chopping block” was uttered 16 times. Yup…16! And over half of those times it was said by Krisily and Kovacs combined. When you really think about what “chopping block” means, it’s actually kind of a grisly metaphor to be using over and over. None of these contestants are getting their heads actually chopped off for real. I think they need to use a different term to mix it up a bit. How about “Krisily Cutter” or “Kovacs Cleaver”? Let’s get creative here, producers!

So that’s about the size of it this week. Hope you’re enjoying these shortened postings. And I hope you’ll “tell a friend” to come “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook so we can get more fans. Catch you next week!