And so we come to the end of Bachelor Pad. I do have to say that although some parts more than lived up to my expectations, a lot of this season fell flat for me. At the end of this entry I’ll give the producers a few suggestions for what I think they could do to make it better if they do another season. I think that will be tough to do, though, since they have already had on the most memorable people. They’re going to have to start scraping the bottom of the barrel if they want to cast another season of this show, right? Who remembers Trish? Or Meredith? I didn’t think so. Anyway, let’s head into last night’s finale…
(Side note: This is the only episode of the season where my partner DJ was sitting there next to me providing some commentary of his own. He was pretending to be playing Words with Friends on his iPhone, but I caught him sneaking peeks at all of it. I’ll add some of his commentary here as we go along too. Always interesting to get the perspective of someone who has no idea what any of this is about, right?)
Worst Fashion Choice of the Evening:
What exactly was Natalie wearing on her arms when this episode started? It looked like she had taken Dave’s old sweat socks, cut holes in the feet and rolled them up her arms. Is it really so drafty in the ol’ Bachelor Pad that she has to cover up her arms this way? It was super-distracting that the weird sleeve things actually seemed to color coordinate with the rest of her outfit too – kinda like a Garanimals for slutty reality show contestants.
Horniest Limo Passengers:
As the final three couples are being whisked away to their dance rehearsals in separate limos, we get shots of Tenley and Kiptyn sitting chastely making light conversation. Then we see Natalie and Dave laughing it up and having a nice chat. And then we cut to Kovacs and Elizabeth who are basically dry-humping each other in the back seat of their limo. These two definitely take advantage of their alone time together as much as possible.
Funniest Montage of the Season:
Hands down, this award goes to the scenes of Kovacs and Elizabeth dancing with Edyta from Dancing with the Stars. As they enter the room, hearing Elizabeth say, “If it’s a woman, you still have to focus on me!” just made me know that these scenes were going to be oh-so-perfect, and I was not disappointed. We got tons of awesome reaction shots as Edyta and Kovacs did their dirty dancing moves while Elizabeth stared gap-jawed from the sidelines.
As Kovacs ogles Edyta’s butt and clutches her chest closer to his, Elizabeth tells us she feels insecure. Well duh, Elizabeth. Your friend with benefits boyfriend is man-handling the hottest bod on TV ever. Sucks to be you…
This entire montage of clips leads us to the next category…
Understatement of the Year Award:
“I don’t feel like I’m as sexy as Edyta,” Elizabeth laments. ‘Nuff said.
Horniest Dancing with the Stars Professional:
This one of course goes to Louis Van Amstel, who not only asks Natalie and Dave if they are having sex in the house and dances “doggie style” with Dave, but gets to be spun around by the beefiest, horniest guy on the show. Lil Louis must have been in man-stud heaven, huh? You could just see the sex dripping out of his eyes as he tore off Dave’s clothes in his mind. Down Lil Louis, down!
Slutty Natalie Line of the Night:
As Louis is demonstrating the correct holds and positions to Natalie and Dave, he tells them that they may feel a bit awkward. Never one to run away from revealing how often she spreads her legs, Natalie comes back with, “Dave and I are used to these positions.,” then turns to Dave and says, “Please grab my boobs. It feels safer.” SO gonna miss that girl now that this is all done!
Biggest “I Never Thought I’d Miss Len, Bruno, and Carrie Ann So Much!” Moment:
It bordered on embarrassing watching Melissa, Jake, and Trista judge the dancing contest. You could tell the producers were trying to make it all seem just like Dancing with the Stars without being Dancing with the Stars. These three judges were just horrible to watch. Melissa was vapid, Jake seemed like he had a chip on his shoulder from all the criticism the real judges gave him, and Trista was just there and stupidly smiling the whole time. I always forget how much she reminds me of Connie Francis.
(And did anyone else notice that the music we heard was obviously not the music that was really playing? Why can Dancing with the Stars get the rights to pop songs, but these guys can’t? Instead of the full orchestra from the real show, these contestants have to dance off to canned elevator music.)
Least Shocking Dance Results Ever:
Was anyone really surprised that Tenley and Kiptyn won the dance contest? I mean, she’s already a trained dancer (albeit a kinda psycho one), and he spent the whole first half hour of the show telling us how worried he was that he couldn’t dance. That’s the perfect recipe for winning if I ever saw a reality TV show, right? I was a little concerned when Tenley had to remind him out loud twice to smile, but it all worked out in the end for our perfect pair and they ended up winning.
Biggest Sign That Your Dance Partner Is Going to Lose the Dance Contest for You:
Poor Elizabeth. She gets stuck with Kovacs, who is counting the steps out loud as he goes along. He may be hot, but a dancer he’s not.
(At this point in the show, DJ looked up from his iPhone and exclaimed, “I’m not digging this Tenley chick!” Well said, my love…)
Craziest Eyes:
Dave beats out Crazy Michelle for this as we watch him dancing. I thought his eyes were going to pop right out of his head. They got bigger and bulgier throughout the entire routine as he looked more and more like a sexy, beefcake psycho axe murderer.
Overstatement of the Evening:
Natalie wins this as she announces, “A live studio audience! I mean it’s mind boggling!” Really, Natalie? Your mind is boggled by something they have done on every finale since the first Bachelor premiered, but it’s not boggled by why people think you’re a slut and don’t want to marry you? Time for some soul-searching, sister…
News That Made Me Throw Up in My Mouth a Little:
It’s hard enough to hear Melissa say she’s preggers, but then she had to go all sideways on us and show off the baby bump. Melissa, we don’t want to know that kind of stuff about you. TMI. And we certainly don’t want to SEE your news like that either. Hopefully this will be the last we see of Melissa on this franchise now that the producers realize how truly useless she was throughout.
Biggest 80’s Flashback:
This definitely goes to the outfits Chris and Melissa were wearing during the studio audience portion of the show. Melissa’s shoulder pad couldn’t have been more “Sue Ellen Falling Down the Steps on ‘Dallas'” and if Chris Harrison’s tie were any skinnier, Spandau Ballet would call and ask for it back.
Least Shocking News of the Reunion:
I mean, who woulda thought that Kovacs and Elizabeth’s strong, loving bond could be broken or that Dave and Natalie would be “just friends”? I didn’t see that coming from a mile away.
So none of the couples are still together except for Tenley and Kiptyn. What do you want to bet that these two will be the next Bachelor wedding that gets televised? I for one can’t wait to see all the Disney touches that will be there. I bet since ABC owns Disney that they will do it up Disney-style for the former princess and her prince. We shall see…
Most Forced Love Connection at the Reunion:
Of course this one goes to Gia and Wes. SHOCK! Gia has broken up with that supposedly serious boyfriend who ruined her chances at love on the show. SHOCK! Wes still thinks Gia is the sexiest girl there and tells us, “Bad boys need love too!” SHOCK! The audience starts chanting for them to kiss. SHOCK! They make out behind Gia’s mass of model-styled hair. SHOCK! Chris Harrison tells them to get a room. There is no way these two are an actual couple. All of that was so staged for the reunion show since everything else was relatively boring.
Weirdest Musical Choice:
Why were they playing Two Princes as the final two couples were first introduced?
Best Reaction Shot:
Crazy Michelle as she reacts to Tenley saying, “Kiptyn’s my boyfriend!” all sugary-sweetly. Her head swings back and forth and her wrinkles seize up in disgust. Michelle has been waiting months to confront Tenley about the rumor she started, and she lets Tenley have it full bore. Good for Michelle. I actually liked her more at the end of the confrontation and I really appreciated that she got Tenley to cry so much during the series.
Scariest Chick Ever:
I’m sorry. Krisily was OK on her original series, kinda skanky on Bachelor Pad, but a total “wouldn’t want to meet THAT in a dark alley” on the reunion show. Could they have made her look any scarier? The way her head tilted over to the side in defensiveness, the way the camera zoomed in on her angry eyes and mouth lines, the way you could smell the cigarette smoke reeking off of her through the TV screen. That is one psycho chick.
Biggest “You Just Stole Our Mojo!” Moment of the Show:
As Dave and Natalie were being launched softball questions by most of their competitors, Gwen joins in the mix and calls Dave out on something she says hurt her deeply (more deeply than those incisions the plastic surgeon made all over your face and jawline, Gwen?) Dave’s face drops as he realizes that his happy-go-lucky Q&A session is about to get ugly.
She says that she overheard Dave saying that a person was just downright sad if they were in their 30’s and on a dating show like this, thus implying what we all already think – that Gwen is a sad, over-30-year-old woman with too much plastic surgery who will never find a man. Deal with it Gwen. Life is choices.
To his credit, Dave stands by what he said even though the audience boos him for it.
Line I Most Wanted to Yell at Kiptyn:
“Tuck in your damned shirt! NOW! Do it! Seriously! Now!”
Lamest Attempt at Seeming Humble:
This is a tie between Dave, Natalie, Kiptyn, and Tenley as they all explain what they would do if they won the grand prize. Natalie says she would start a charity for venereal disease cures prostate cancer research and pay off her pimp student loans, and the rest wax poetic about all the good they will do if they win. Blah blah blah. We all know that’s a load of BS, right?
We all know the truth…that Kiptyn will use his cash for hair plugs and lifts for his shoes so he appears taller, Tenley will use hers for surgery to correct her overly-chirpy voice, Dave will use his to enlarge his penis to even bigger proportions, and Natalie will basically just drink hers away in Cabo. C’mon…you know I’m right.
Biggest “I Wanna Know What That Said!” Moment:
What did they black out on Wes’s voting card as he held it up? I wanna know! I’m used to those black pixilated boxes being all over Natalie’s naughty parts, but it must have been something juicy (or commercial) for Wes to have gotten the dreaded black boxes too. What do you think it was?
Best Hope That One of the Hot Guys Will Come Out of The Closet:
Dave. Hope springs eternal with this one, even though I know that it’ll never happen. He tells us that he’s not afraid to get in touch wit his feminine side as he twirls Louis Van Amstel around the dance floor, and he even kisses Chris Harrison after he finds out that he and Natalie are going to split the grand prize. Gimme a call any time, Dave. Seriously…any time.
And so to the end of yet another Bachelor series. If they decide to run this show again, I have a few suggestions for the producers.
1. Make this show an hour or an hour-and-a-half long. Two hours was way too long and the filler got tedious.
2. Get rid of the dates. No one falls in love on them and their only purpose is for the person who won the date to choose someone to be safe from elimination that week. It would be more interesting to have more competitions instead of the lame, staged dates.
3. Get rid of Melissa and her flailing arms.
4. Start the show off with equal amounts of guys and girls. The show where three women were ejected after the first 15 minutes was just lame. We all saw it coming, as did they.
5. Don’t let people on the show who are already in couples or who have already hooked up. This may seem impossible, but if it can be done it would make the romance seem more “real” and give the contestants the chance to really see if there’s a spark.
Just my two cents’ worth! What do YOU think?
They announced that the next series of The Bachelor will premiere in January, so I will see you back here then. In the meantime, come on over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose to keep up with all the latest Bachelor news. Thanks for a fun summer!
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