Chunky Bracelets, Broken Beds, and Whitesnake Videos

Can you believe that next week is already the season finale of this show? The time has absolutely FLOWN by with booze-filled love trysts, staged dates that no one cares about, and bad wardrobe choices. We are down to three couples now, and it was so obvious from the start who would be the last ones standing. Couples have reigned supreme for this show, a dynamic which I think taints the whole process. It seems inherently unfair to put “outsider” people into a competition with a core group who all know each other already and have each others’ backs. I mean, did anyone truly think that Big Nikki or “Voted Most Stupid” Gwen was going to bring home the grand prize? If they do this show next time, I hope they fill the show with hot bods who don’t know each other at all or who already hate each other.

On to the highlights and lowlights from last night:

Most Improved Fashion Choices:

Chris Harrison finally looked presentable in a black-and-white plaid shirt and normal pants. Hooray and huzzah! It took him five episodes, but he actually looked nice last night. Even the suit he wore for the rose ceremony was subtle and not nauseating in the least. Ups for Mr. Harrison’s wardrobe advisors this week.

Most Repeated Ad Nauseum Topics of the Night:

TIE:

1. “THREE women will be going home RIGHT NOW!”

“Did you hear? Three women are going home!”

“When? Later?”

“No! RIGHT NOW!”

“Ladies and gentlemen…three women will be going home RIGHT NOW!”

“That’s bad and scary and sad all at the same time!”

Wasn’t that like the first 15 minutes of the show? They hadn’t even gotten to the competition yet and they had repeated some form of those lines about a million times. They even had to interview each contestant separately to see what their take on it was. And guess what? They all thought it was bad that three women would be going home tonight (even though it was so obvious who the unlucky ladies were going to be that they may as well have had “I Was on Bachelor Pad and Lost and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt” T-shirts on, right?)

2. The entire last hour of this show boiled down to one thing: “We’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth, we’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth, we’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth…Oh wait…We’re not. We’re sending home Tattoo Jesse and Peyton instead.”

The last hour was so mind-numbingly repetitive I wanted to scrape out my eyes with that gigantoid aquamarine necklace Gwen had on around her neck before she got the boot. It was so painfully obvious that Tattoo Jesse and Peyton were going home all along. Why drag it out for so long?

The Hostess with the Leastest:

This one of course goes to Melissa Rycroft. The producers this week finally figured out a way to make her stop using her hands. On one wrist they placed two humongous chunky, plastic bracelets to weigh her down, and then on the other hand made her wear a huge, green ring. These seemed to do the trick as I didn’t notice her hands moving up above the camera line once during the whole Spin the Bottle competition.

Catty Thought for the Evening:

Is it just me, or is Nikki getting bigger and bigger with each episode? Her face is looking more and more bloaty, and let’s just say that any time the camera caught her profile, it was not a pretty picture. What gives? How is she putting on so much weight so fast in there? It’s like all the air got let out of her facelift.

Cattiest Line of the Night:

After Gwen gets the heave-ho and is driving away in the Stretch Limo of Shame, we cut to an interview of Elizabeth who is looking all faux-sad that Gwen’s gone. She says she feels really sad for Gwen, and we think, “Ahhh…Elizabeth has a heart in there underneath all of those bad roots.”

But then she comes up with the zinger of the night when she fakes sad and says, “I could still be in my 40’s one day too and looking for love…” all “poor Gwen”-like when she really doesn’t mean it. OUCH! In one fell swoop, Elizabeth managed to not only dis Gwen’s lack of love life, but also her age. How much more patronizing could Elizabeth have been?

“Turnabout is Fair Play” Award:

This goes to Elizabeth, who after saying such catty things about Gwen is shown with the standard dumbass music playing while she can’t remember a thing about the guy she’s supposedly been dating for six months. Then she can’t even remember the name of the herbal supplement she takes to help her memory. Seems like you hit the beer bongs a bit too hard in college, Elizabeth. Karma’s a bitch, huh?

Tenley Line of the Night:

Tenley gets her own category this week. Maybe it’s because there are fewer people and she’s getting more camera time, but it certainly seemed like we saw a lot more of her last night. Let’s just say that this chick ain’t gonna be winning any Nobel Prizes soon.

This category’s a tie too:

1. While talking about her love for Kiptyn, Tenley puts on her best princess voice and tells us, “Love kissing Kiptyn! Love kissing! Kissing is fun! Kiptyn is fun! Cuz we are Kip-Ten!” Get it? Oh my god, this woman has got to be stopped. With all of the saccharin sweet that poured out of her all last night, I’m still scraping the remnants off the TV screen. I can’t stand Tenley anymore. I was never a fan, but this series just pushed home the point. No one is that sickeningly perfect.

2. When Natalie and Dave found out that their date was going to be “under the stars”, how many times did Tenley say “in a rocket”? It must have been, oh, say…114? WTF was she thinking? I thought she was just being silly the first time, but all of the other times were just plain sad. Yes Tenley, ABC has gone to NASA and secured a special trip into outer space for the lucky couple so they can test out contraceptives in zero gravity. Get a grip, girl…

Most “We Get It Already! He’s Dumb and She’s High Class!” Segment:

Tattoo Jesse and Peyton are sitting around having drinks when Peyton looks over and Jesse is picking out an ingrown hair in his leg with a screw (“It’s a DRYWALL screw!” he helpfully tells her in case she needed clarification.) She, of course, grosses out and rolls her eyes all over the room. Then, Jesse deigns to peel his banana the wrong way (Seriously, what was up with how he did THAT? If I were Peyton, I’d watch out for Jesse’s condom-placement skills if he thinks that you deal with a banana from the bottom up). All the while, the requisite dumbass music is playing so Jesse seems even more like a hillbilly country bumpkin compared to the aristocratic fair maiden. Staged staged staged…

Biggest Over-Reaction of the Series So Far:

Peyton, when she dropped her last balloon. Oh my god…you would have thought that she dropped a baby or her wedding ring down the drain. All of those tears and moaning fetal positions over a stupid balloon? I mean, I get that she also dropped a metaphorical $250,000, but did anyone seriously think that she was going to win it? She didn’t even think so herself.

Most Surprising Undergarments of the Evening:

As Dave is ironing his clothes to prepare to get them ripped off on his date with Natalie, his shirt is off and his shorts are sagging low. Peeking up from under them is the top few inches of a pair of…wait…could it be? Are those really pink HEARTS on his underwear? Really? That studly specimen of a man, that hunka hunka burnin’ love, that “Best Kisser”…he wears HEARTS under there? Who knew? I guess I was expecting something manlier and less girly. Maybe he was wearing Natalie’s newest Frederick’s of Hollywood purchase?

Scene That Made Me Need to Pause the DVR and Go Take a Long, Hot Shower to Scrub Off the Disgustingness:

This one goes hands-down to Kovacs and Elizabeth in the sports car. It’s bad enough they got into it when it wasn’t even theirs to begin with, but then things just got downright gross as they made out in every conceivable position, including Elizabeth spread-eagle on top of Jesse while he leaned back on the trunk. During this scene, we got treated to some pretty lame one-liners as well:

Elizabeth: “I love it when a man’s in control!” Ooo! Hard-hitting insight into Elizabeth’s psyche, huh?

Jesse: “Watch out for the stick!” How was it possible for him to say this line without at least smirking in embarrassment? How cliché and over-used are lines like those?

And did anyone else notice the irony here? A couple of weeks ago, Kovacs and Elizabeth did the horizontal mambo in the shower, and then Natalie ducked in there to have a good cry later after being voted “Always a Bridesmaid”. Now Kovacs and Elizabeth are at it again, christening this car with their love juices before Natalie and her date even know it’s there. And to add insult to injury, Elizabeth comes back into the house and announces to Dave and Natalie that the car is out front and “It’s got Jesse and Elizabeth all over it for you!” Let’s just say that I am sure there is no lack of DNA evidence of their little tryst and leave it at that, OK?

So Natalie is yet again privy to the Kovacs’ and Elizabeth’s sloppy seconds. Always a bridesmaid indeed…

Character Most in Need of Sunscreen:

Somebody get Tattoo Jesse some SPF 50 stat! That poor guy’s face has been burned red for this entire series. Sometimes it morphs into a pleasing shade of purple, but it always looks painful and always looks like he’s going to look like a leather handbag when he’s 40.

Sketchiest Date of the Series So Far:

Dave and Natalie drive into a dirt lot where it looks like the cops will find the dead bodies buried (there’s even a creepy-looking black mini-van visible in one scene!) for their date. Yes, there’s the beautiful Pacific sunset right there, but couldn’t they have watched that from some mansion somewhere? Did it have to be on the same dirt lot where they filmed scenes from Poltergeist and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 406?

Coolest Nod to the 80s:

Somewhere in Celebrity Rehab, Tawny Kittaen’s head was spinning around in Linda Blair circles as she watched Natalie do her best Whitesnake video moves on the sports car while Dave shot pictures of her. Her skirt could not have been any shorter without showing all of her bits and pieces. Again, I always think how proud her parents must be watching her parade her goods on top of a convertible. The only thing she was missing were the ever-present black boxes around her naughty bits. Those would have made the scene truly complete.

Biggest “I’m Guessing This Show Is Not Hiring You Back” Moment:

I almost did a spit take when I realized that the mansion where Dave and Natalie spend their date is the same one where Jason and Molly canoodled during their season. Um, paging Melissa Rycroft (who was chosen by Jason as “the one” and then dumped on national TV in favor of Molly). Wow…out of all the places the producers could have chosen, they chose the place where Jason and Molly first sealed the deal. Ouch, Melissa. That’s gotta hurt, huh? Try swinging your arms at THAT one. I’m guessing that was the producers’ subtle way of telling you you’re not being invited back for another season.

The Three Biggest Warning Signs of Impending Danger of the Evening:

As Dave and Natalie are chatting, the producers try to show us a softer side of Dave as we hear him tell us about the sadness he has around his folks’ divorce. We actually start to feel sorry for him as he wells up and starts to cry over it. But then, warning alarms begin to go off that this is one dangerous guy and that Natalie should get out now while the getting’s good and before Dave one of these days goes all Mel Gibson phone call on her.

First, Dave tells her all about his dad issues. He was Daddy’s little boy a la Leave It to Beaver before the divorce, then hardly saw him after his folks split up. Faint warning bell sounding…

Next, Dave says he and his dad had a big argument recently and they don’t speak to each other any more. Warning bell getting closer now.

Then the alarms go into overdrive as Dave tells her that at the end of their last argument, Dave threw a chair through a wall. Threw a WHAT through a WHAT now?! Um, Natalie? Back away NOW! This guy has no clue how to appropriately express anger and it seems like he sure has plenty of it built up about now.

Lastly, Dave strikes the last nail into his “damaged goods” coffin by turning to Natalie and telling her, “I don’t want to talk about it.” BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Alarms all around now. Can’t hear a thing except alarms. Leave now, Natalie! Run! Flee!

But of course Natalie does what any self-respecting girl who flashes cameras and spread eagles on yellow sports cars would do and puts her hand up to his jaw and starts making out with him. Because hot kissers with anger management problems and family hang-ups are HOT, right?

Biggest Tease:

True to her roots (and no, I don’t mean only the ones in her hair), Elizabeth pulls a Groundhog Day on us and on Kovacs when she sends out all the signals that she wants to have a whole lot of monkey sex with him in the Fantasy Suite, but then pulls back and gets all self-righteous about it. Remember when she did the same thing with Jake during his season and forced him to kiss her on the forehead? What’s her deal? Ever the tease, Elizabeth is a tough one to figure out.

I did love how she called out Kovacs after they did the nasty. She says he never pays attention to her, he asks her, “What did we just do?” and she answers, “You just got LAID!” That was almost a Line of the Night, but because Elizabeth is nutso it’s disqualified. I’ll give it an honorable mention here instead.

Biggest “Um…That’s Probably a Bad Idea, Tenley” Moment of the Night:

Tenley’s decision-making skills have been called into question ever since her very odd and chirpy ballet dance for Jake. But tonight she pushes the boundaries as she enters the kitchen, approaches Kiptyn from behind WHILE HE HAS A BIG KNIFE IN HIS HAND cutting chicken, and proceeds to tickle his ribs. Tenley, sweetie. Not a good idea. And since Kiptyn is the only guy there as short as you, that knife is going straight through your eyeballs if he turns around too quickly or thinks that Big Nikki has come back to assault him for flipping his choice at Spin the Bottle.

“Who’s Hotter?” Award:

This one has mostly been going to Dave, especially since he won Best Kisser last week. But this week we find out that Kovacs broke the bed when he and Elizabeth got busy, so his star may be rising too. Stay tuned…

Most Obvious Tie-In Ever Award:

This of course goes to the previews we saw of the remaining couples meeting Dancing with the Stars professional dancers for ballroom dancing lessons. How convenient that the new season of Dancing with the Stars is starting in just a few weeks? Do you think Jake will make a cameo? I personally can’t wait to see Dave get in touch with what he calls his feminine side while he swings Louis Van Amstel around and around the room like the Beast swung Belle.

So it took two full hours to tell us what we already knew – Tattoo Jesse and Peyton are out. Next week is the series finale where it looks like everyone will come back. And then it looks like there will some part of the show that’s done in front of a live studio audience. Gee, I hope the audience is stacked with lonely single women who are all hoping for a date with one of the hot guys on stage.

Only one person wins this show, not a couple, so it will be interesting to watch the final couple battle it out against each other. How much do you hope the final challenge is Jell-o wrestling and Kiptyn and Tenley end up in the mush pit? Fingers crossed!

Catch you next week for the finale, and don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook to join in the conversation and get bonus stuff whenever my schedule allows it. I have a day job too, y’know!