The Women Tell All!

The spoiler sites have been abuzz with incorrect information and speculation, the supermarket tabloids have Emily, Chantal, and Brad spread all over with all sorts of unflattering photos and headlines, so you know we’re gettin’ down to it now. Only one more episode to go. The Women Tell All is usually my favorite episode of the season. It’s fun to see how they have all changed their looks, changed their stories, and changed their attitudes.

Let’s get to it…

Most Shocking Statistic:

Was I the only one blown away by the fact that there are 500 (yes FIVE HUNDRED) former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants from this show? Apparently they all have this little incestuous “in crowd” where they go to cool parties in dark, upscale bars in LA and New York and all sleep with each other and let their tongues hang out down each others’ throats (how gross was THAT shot?)

Of course, the real reason we got to witness all of these shenanigans is so that we could preview the new cast for Bachelor Pad 2 (Electric Boogaloo) this summer. I haven’t been reading the spoiler sites yet about that show, but I’m going to guess Vienna and Rozlyn are gonna figure importantly in the drama since we saw them smirking and getting lots of face time with the camera, as will “Guard and protect her heart” Kasey (did anyone else notice that he was featured at both parties on both coasts? This guy’s soaking up his 15 minutes the best he knows how.)

They have already set up the backstory that Vienna is a backstabbing whore when we find out that she slept with her supposed best friend’s friend. GASP! Vienna slept with Wes! And last summer Gia told us that SHE likes Wes too! How could a best friend who only hangs out at wild sex parties when the show invites them to be together DO something like that?! I mean, where’s the loyalty?

The sex is played up at the gatherings and we get lots of people who have already hooked up, which means they will all feature prominently as well this summer. By that time, some will be full-blown dating couples while others will be pissed and hurt that one part of the couple has already slutted around with someone new. Should be entertaining.

Oh…and one more thing while we’re on the topic. I bet that Michelle makes it to the Bachelor Pad this summer too. With the editing job they did on her for this episode making her out to be the poor, pitiable victim, the bitch slot is now open for Vienna. Maybe Michelle will be cast as the creepy stalkery one? We shall see…

Last People We Expected to See at A Bachelor Swinger Reunion Party:

Um, Allie and Roberto? What are you guys doing in the same upscale, dark bar with all of those swingin’ singles? Aren’t blisters currently forming on your naughty bits just rubbing elbows with these guys? You found each other, you’re in love, you’re still cute. Run…run for the hills as fast as you can!

Most Shocking Bachelorette Transformation:

This of course goes to Not-A-Dentist Ashley who we see come out as a brunette now. With her weird make-up, she’s actually pretty unrecognizable as the chick who Brad dumped in South Africa. I’m not sure why the producers wanted such a drastic change in her, but she did it and how. She’s definitely lost her cute, perky edge and gotten more adult and matronly-looking with this new ‘do. She didn’t look much like a dentist before, but now we KNOW she’s ditching that profession for good.

Oh…and what was up with the gigantic caps on her two front teeth? How huge were they? How does a dentist have such distracting teeth?

Least Interesting Catfight of the Night:

Raichel versus Melissa…zzzzzz.

“Hi! I’m Raichel! I’m a manscaper and people like Melissa get under my skin! I’m going to sit here and roll my eyes and look away a lot in disgust since she gets to sit up with Chris and I am relegated here to the sidelines! I could have gotten a lot farther in the game if that blonde bitch up on stage right now hadn’t brought out all kinds of crazy in me!”

“And hi! I’m Melissa! My neck is very tendony and I always look like I’m trying to squeeze a lemon between my butt cheeks! Raichel just doesn’t understand me and we’ll agree to disagree on every point Chris brings up with us! I’m superior since I get to sit up on stage with Chris and since I don’t add an extra ‘I’ to my name, so I will cross my legs and bob the top one up and down nervously and bend my head to the side a lot whenever I want to pretend I don’t get what Raichel is talking about!”

‘Nuff said…”

Best Edit of the Night:

Hands down this goes to Michelle. This whole season the producers have made her out to be a horrible, mean person who badmouths the other girls and sees herself as superior to everyone else there. She’s conniving, she’s crafty, she threatens, she gives herself unexplained black eyes, she…wait…she cries when she’s talking about her daughter? She gets hurt feelings when some of the other girls won’t stop verbally abusing her and calling her names like “spider” and “creepy”?

After the trouncing Michelle got all season, she finally is redeemed. We actually start to like her as we hear lots of the girls who we like already sticking up for her and get to hear her side of it all. It’s not much of a shocker that the only reason we hated her was the editing. As I said earlier, I’ll bet this “feel sorry for me” treatment is so that Vienna can play the part of villainess on Bachelor Pad 2 this summer and Michelle can play some other role.

Most Overused Line of the Night:

I counted how many times Michelle told us, “I left my daughter!” and I got six. Anyone else? We get it Michelle. You chose to leave your daughter. No one forced you to do it. You decided that going out to Hollywood and wearing short skirts and tying up Brad in a hotel room was a better deal than hanging out with your kid. We get it. But you don’t need to go on and on about your own poor choices. It got tired after the second time.

Girl Who I’ve Changed My Opinion About the Most:

This has to be Jackie (the one who sorta kinda looks like Idina Menzel). On the show we liked her perky goofiness. On this episode, though, she can’t even see Michelle is having a producer-staged breakdown on stage. She has to keep running off her mouth seemingly oblivious to any emotion happening right in front of her. Bad move, Jackie. This is most likely the last anyone will see of you, and THAT’S the impression you want to leave us with?

Most Overdramatic Moment of the Night:

This would be Chris telling the producers to cut away to a commercial so Michelle can compose herself after she has supposedly lost it. “We’ll be right back so she can regroup,” he tells us in his best fake-solemn voice. “This is stupid,” you can hear a girl off-camera saying since they all know this whole waterworks acting job is a big fake.

My other half pointed out that he didn’t actually see any tears coming out of Michelle’s eyes during all of these sad, emotional scenes. While I didn’t pay any attention to that, I did notice that there were so many candles behind her that at one point the audience members sitting behind her were shimmering behind the heat waves coming up.

Girl Who Contradicted Herself the Best:

After the skanky bartender from Boston has just told Michelle that in her skanky bartender family they were raised to believe that children are more important than anything, the girls all start to gang up on Michelle for leaving her daughter. Michelle tells them all, “You have no right to question my mothering!” and she’s 100% right.

Jackie, who is losing more and more points as the episode wears on, quips back, “I would never make a comment about you being a mother!” and then without skipping a beat does exactly what she just said she would never do by adding, “You are the best mother EVER!”

Wait a sec here, Jackie. Didn’t you JUST say you would never make a comment about Michelle’s mothering skills? And then you just commented on her mothering skills. Strike three. I like Michelle more than Jackie now for sure.

Favorite Audience Members:

The producers always stack the audience with people who they can cut to for good close-ups of reaction shots. We always have the “go to” people we can count on for arched eyebrow holier-than-thou looks, the ones who can pull the perfect disgusted face when someone says something they totally disagree with, and the over-eager single ladies who think that if they over-emote and put on a good show, maybe they too will be plucked out of obscurity and thrust into the arms of a charming man whore.

Well last night we had all of those, but did you notice we also got a new subset? For Michelle’s entire interview and breakdown, they kept shooting to two older women. Like senior citizen old. Like “We’re here to cheer on Florence Henderson on Dancing with the Stars but we walked into the wrong studio” old.

They were certainly well put together and not at all frumpy or dowdy in a Mama’s Family way, but it stood out to me that every time Michelle would reference leaving her daughter, the cameras would cut to these two ladies nodding knowingly almost like they approved of every word Michelle was saying. “You have no right to question my mothering!” Cut to approving nod in unison. Why did Brad keep Michelle around for so long? “He loved my confidence.” Cut to approving nod in unison. I think this was all a subconscious way of making us more supportive of Michelle. Just a guess, but there’s a reason they cut away to these two so much during those segments, no?

Weirdest Outburst of the Night:

Did anyone else fall out of their chair when Britt actually spoke? And it was, like, several sentences she said? And did you then fall further out of your chair when you realized that the girl who has said three words all season decides only to speak to defend Michelle?! How nuts is that? The only reason she talks is to come to Michelle’s defense and says that Michelle is gorgeous and confident and yadda yadda yadda. Who knew? She may as well have just asked her out on date, right? It was all a little too over the top and gushy for no apparent reason.

Saddest Sympathy One-on-One:

Poor Ashley H. She’s cute and perky, her dad recently died, she got to sing with Brad and Seal, and Brad dumped her big time in Vegas in favor of the other Ashley. I’m not sure why the producers decided to give her a featured segment on this episode, but they brought out all of the sad stares, minor key violin music, and sympathetic frowns from the audience members as Ashley H’s story was replayed for us. Then to top it off we hear that she’s been cheated on and has never been in a fulfilling, mature relationship before. This whole thing felt like an online video dating service for her. “Choose her! She’s cute and perky and only a little bit damaged. Well OK, a lot damaged, but she’s still likeable. Choose her, please?” I hope she at least will get a bunch of dates from that whole sad segment.

Dumbest Question of the Night:

As Chris is rehashing all the dumping that Not-A-Dentist Ashley had to endure in South Africa, they get to talking about the chemistry that she and Brad really did have. Ashley tells him that she and Brad had something unspoken going on, so of course he asks her, “What did you have that was unspoken?”

Um, Chris…dude. If something’s unspoken, that means the person can’t speak about it. So how exactly are you expecting her to answer your question?

Best Answer to A Dumb Question:

After poor Ashley has been through the wringer seeing her dates with Brad played over and over while she’s shrunken down to a little box in the corner, Chris tells us that Brad is about to come out onstage live and in person. “What do you want to say to him?” Chris asks Ashley.

And Ashley gets a smirk on her face and answers back, “That I love him!” I literally laughed out loud at that. Maybe Ashley has more personality than I gave her credit for? Or maybe she’d been taking hits on the laughing gas that dentists get? Either way, this was the funniest line of the night.

You Are SO Not Oprah Award

I was baffled by seeing Brad and Chris travel to a South African preschool. What in god’s name were they doing there? What possible reason could the producers have had for showing us that The Bachelor gave these kids a solar water heater? This whole segment was SO self-serving. You guys are SO not Oprah in any way, shape, or form.

I’m guessing the only reason they did this whole charade was so that Chris could show off that he has skills other than hosting. Did anyone else notice his mad soccer skills where he kept the ball away from a four-year-old? Nice job, Chris. You’ve not only provided a hot bath for that little boy, but you’ve lowered his self-esteem by about 75%. Oprah would never have shown off like that. Next time you guys show up to a place like that, everyone better be getting cars and trips to Australia, otherwise it just doesn’t count.

Funniest Moment from the Funniest Moment Clip Montage:

This is a tie, but they both involve Emily.

1. Who else loved the elephants humping behind Brad and Emily during their date? And how ironic was it that the prim and proper southern girl got to watch pachyderms gettin’ it on in the watering hole.

2. And I thought it was a really funny omen of things to come that Emily dropped her Fantasy Suite key in the South African muck. Glad we got to see that outtake too!

Worst Editing for a Preview for Next Week:

Next week we see shots of Brad and one of the final ladies lowered in a shark tank. We see giant sets of teeth on the sharks as they swim dangerously close to the young lovers. But then even though we clearly see Brad and the beauty totally submerged underwater, we hear Brad’s voice clear as a bell say, “Oh my god...there’s a shark right there!” How can he be saying this so clearly if he’s underwater? I get that there could be a microphone on him in the shark cage, but it would never sound that clear. I think we are victims of bad editing again, my friends.

So next week is the big finale. If you read the spoiler sites you already know who wins and who the next Bachelorette will be. I’m not sure how they are going to fill up two full hours, but they always manage to do just that. I’ll be back next week to recap it all. Until then, don't forget to "Like" us over at After the Rose on Facebook and tell a friend!