Finale -- In More Ways Than One...

And so we come to the end of yet another season of The Bachelor. As this series goes, there wasn’t much notable about this season. It was pretty clear Emily was the frontrunner from the get-go. The spoiler sites all said Chantal would win, but Emily pulled it out in the end. We had our resident crazy who, it turns out, was only edited to look crazy (Michelle), we had our perky, sippy sorority girl who will be the next Bachelorette (Ashley), and we had the requisite girls who were made to look weird, but probably were really nice people in real life (Madison…”fangs” for the memories…)

And so on to the last roundup for the season…

Most Bummed Out Brother on the Planet:

I know this is shallow, but I’m just going to say it since this show brings out the shallow in all of us. Brad’s younger brother has to be supremely bummed that his older twin brothers got all of the smokin’ hot genes in the family and that he ended up looking like every other middle-aged guy from Texas. At least he seems like he can string together a cogent sentence most of the time, so I guess he split the difference with his brothers and got the intelligence gene.

After the family had filed in, my significant other turned and asked me where the father was. I reminded him that Brad had no contact with his father and that’s why he’s so screwed up. But my S.O. swore he had seen some older guy walk past. I thought for a second, and yep…you guessed it. It was Brad’s YOUNGER brother. Poor guy.

Wow, I thought Brad was empirically hot, but after this episode, I think his twin is even hotter. Kind of a mix between the lead singer of Maroon 5 and Jesse from Ali’s Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad last summer. Hot!

Worst Mother of the Year Award:

So they haul Brad’s family halfway around the world to meet the two girls he’s deciding between. Brad apparently hasn’t seen his family in weeks (months?) They knock on the door of his exclusive South African villa and Brad erupts into sobs and tears at the sight of them. He hugs each one hello and holds onto them each tightly as they walk in. He’s overwhelmed with emotion. As soon as they are all inside, they sit down, but Brad says he needs a minute to collect himself. We see him continue to weep and try to regain his composure.

Cut to a shot of his mom, perched on the edge of some cushy chair holding her big glass of white wine, totally oblivious to the fact that her son needs a hug. Um, hello, Mom? Your son is blubbering away in the other room! Don’t you think you should get up and make sure he’s OK? Don’t you want to throw your arms around his neck and tell him it will all be OK because now Mama is here? What is this woman’s problem that she just sits there stoically and doesn’t go over to comfort his son? This whole family is just odd from the get-go.

Wish I Could Take Back That Last Question I just Asked Award:

Not only does Brad’s younger brother have to be bummed about getting shafted in the looks department, but he also goes a step further and asks Emily about how Little Ricki’s dad will feel if they move to Austin to be with Brad. Cue ominous music and awkward glances between Em and Brad. Sure, this question was probably a plant by the producers (“OK less attractive brother…when we yell, ‘Action!’ you ask Emily about Ricki’s dad, m’k?”), but it did make for one of those truly awkward scenes that only The Bachelor knows how to achieve.

Questionable Wardrobe Choice of the Evening Award:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to “Prima”, Brad’s sister-in-law. What was up with the black sparkly halter top? It was way more “heading out to the clubs in Hollywood” than “easy, breezy, hanging out on the patio in Cape Town pretending to be interested in my brother-in-law’s romantic life” chic.

2. OK, this is going to sound shallow again, but the second award goes to Brad’s mom, who opted for a plunging neckline that sank so low that all of the wrinkles of her cleavage were clearly on display in a wholly unappealing way.  They seemed to gather into one saggy hole right in between where her breasts used to be. That’s just nasty. C’mon, Mama. Hug your son and cover UP!

Worst Last Date Ever:

OK, seriously…it’s Brad’s last chance to share some romance with Chantal and he takes her swimming with SHARKS?! How bummed must Chantal have been? She hauls all the way to South Africa and ends up in a cage on a boat taking breaths and ducking under the water to check out huge sharks. Really, Brad and producers? This is the best you got for her? The two of them can barely talk for all of the gasping they have to do between viewings as they try to come up for air. Poor thing. I guess the writing was on the wall from that point on, huh?

Name We Least Expected to Hear Again on This Show:

During the nighttime part of his date with Chantal, we clearly hear Brad calling after her, “Channy! Channy! Channy!” (OK…his pronunciation made it sound more like “Shanny”, but still. Roll with me here…)

Fans of this blog may remember Channy from Jake’s season, right? Back in the days when this show would throw in one girl of color just to satisfy all of the naysayers, even though you know that girl had no way in hell of winning?

So along came Channy who started going off in Thai to Jake and then invited him to check out her landing strip or something. Which of course got turned into a double entendre and we all laughed since she didn’t understand the idiom in English.

She’s baaaaaack….!

Most Obvious Lesson Not Learned from Previous Seasons:

I say this every season, but if you are one of the finalists on this show, please, for all that is sacred and holy…please do not EVER make a present for the person who is choosing between you and someone else. Can we flash back to Jake’s season when it was down to Tenley and Vienna? Which one of them made him a lame memory box with dead sea creatures hot-glued to it? Who welled up with pride as Jake chuckled internally and then outwardly pretended to love it? Yes, it was Miss Tenley, that chirpy, perky, “my god, did she just DANCE for him?!” girl who was ultimately dumped in the end.

Chantal, sweetie. Did you learn nothing from all of that sadness? You had to go ahead and make a map of all of the places where you and Brad have been and then roll it up into a bottle? Really? A bottle? How is that helping you in any way?

Chantal takes the sad map one step further and includes a handwritten note professing her undying love for Brad. Sure, this must be nice to get, but wow…awkward. No guy wants to read all that mushy stuff with the girl who wrote it sitting right there hovering over him. Sigh…Strike Two for Chantal.

Worst Attempt at Pretending to Be Geographically Knowledgeable:

Brad tells Emily how excited he is to take her on their date to The Cape of Good Hope. He tells her it’s a “must see” like he’s been there tons of times and flies in on a helicopter regularly. I call BS. I am willing to bet he had no idea where in the world The Cape of Good Hope was, much less WHAT in the world The Cape of Good Hope was, before this show started shooting. No clue at all.

“Uh…Cape of Good Hope? Is that what Superman wore?”

Windiest Date Ever:

This has to be Brad and Emily’s time on the aforementioned Cape of Good Hope. If she reached up to push her hair out of her face one more time, I was going to lose it. Why did the producers even set this up? Why didn’t they at least warn her to put her hair back in a ponytail? There is nothing romantic about being buttressed from all sides by a driving wind that messes up your hair and makes you not be able to even hear the other person. This was ill-conceived in all ways.

Most Overused Line of the Night:

There’s one every week. This week’s award goes to Emily, who keeps drilling it into Brad that he doesn’t understand what he’s getting into with all of a sudden becoming a dad. Could she have poured it on any thicker? “It’s not always fun…” over and over and over.

It’s like she wanted to make sure to really drive Brad away before he committed to anything. Could she have been more negative? According to Emily, it’s not all fun and games being a parent. There are late night ear infections, temper tantrums, and much, much more to scare Brad away. By the time she was done, even I thought that Little Ricki was The Bad Seed or that girl from Firestarter or something and that Brad had better run for the hills before Little Ricki appears hovering over his bed in the middle of the night with a meat cleaver poised over his throat.

Gee, Emily. Being a mom seems really tough. Let’s see. You get to live in a giant house with all of the toys and comforts a kid could need. You get to leave her for a month or two while you go gallivanting around the globe for some reality TV show, and you end up with a new daddy for her in the end so you’re not doing all of the work yourself. When you look at it that way, it’s not so bad being a parent, huh?

(And by the way, I forgot to mention it last week, but why were all of the girls getting on Michelle’s case for leaving her daughter, but not one person called Emily out for the same thing? At least Michelle didn’t spread her daughter’s face all over the world’s TV screens. Why the double-standard that Michelle was a horrible mother for leaving her daughter to do the show, but not Emily? Discuss.)

Journals I Wish I Could Read the Most:

In the montage leading up to Brad’s big decision, we get interviews with both girls as they pose around the resort where they’re staying. There’s Emily lounging gracefully by the pool reading. Now there she is leaning pensively against a railing. Oh! Look! There’s Chantal throwing open the curtains in an obvious reference to new beginnings since her big ending is about to come later on tonight.

But the shots that made me laugh out loud were the ones where we saw both girls furtively writing in journals. What possible thoughts could they have that would have been so important to immortalize on paper?

Chantal: “Dear Diary. South Africa is really cool, but it’s super shark-infested. I hope Brad picks me. I gave it up to him in a treehouse, so he kinda owes it to me. I liked his family. His twin brother and that old guy kept staring at my boobs, but I don’t care. I wonder how much longer the producers are going to be taping me pretending to write something deep here? Well, that’s all for now. Love, Chantal.”

Emily: “Dear Diary. WOW!!! South Africa is SO WINDY!!! Brad and me went on a date this afternoon to a place called a cape and I couldn’t even hear him talk cuz it was so windy. Yikes! If we get married that lady with the wrinkly boob cleavage will be my mother-in-law. I can’t imagine having to stare at that all through Thanksgiving dinner. Oh well. I miss Little Ricki, but it’s super cool being able to leave her and go anywhere I want. Being a parent is so HARD! Brad doesn’t even KNOW!”

Biggest Sign You Know Chantal Will Not Get the Rose Tonight:

Um, Chantal? That’s a real purty party dress you got on there for your last rose ceremony with Brad, but I think a big, black crow crashed into your shoulder and died there. You might want to get it off before you go out to meet Brad, OK? Wait, what? Those weird costume-y feathers are SUPPOSED to be there? Ohhhh…yeah. Heh heh heh…my bad…

Strike Three, and she’s out…

Most Obvious Reference to A Current Film:

For the final rose ceremonies Emily is all blonde hair and beautiful and white Grecian goddess dress and Chantal is all dark makeup and black dead crow dress with feathers on it. Maybe that’s a black swan Chantal has glued to her shoulder?

Coolest Ad of the Evening:

Those of you who know me personally know my brother is an actor down in LA. He’s in a new commercial that’s airing EVERYWHERE these days where he and his family come home to find their house robbed. The thieves took everything except the crappy computer, so he and his wife go to buy another one.

Well, when this ad flew by as I was fast-forwarding the DVR, I had to rewind and watch it all the way through again. Good on ya, Chris! You have achieved superstar status at our house by appearing on The Bachelor (sorta)…

Weirdest Hair Color:

As Brad is about to break the bad news to Chantal that she’s getting the ol’ heave-ho, the camera keeps cutting back and forth between a close up on her face and then a shot of Brad taken over her shoulder. From head on, Chantal clearly has very dark hair to go with her whole death-rocker “I kill birds!” look. But from the back, her hair all of a sudden has an auburn/reddish sheen to it. What gives? Bad dye job? Stand-in who wasn’t really Chantal so they could let Brad re-tape his scenes after Chantal had officially left? Enquiring minds wanna know…

Classiest Dumped Girl:

This goes to Chantal, who seemed legitimately shocked that Brad hadn’t chosen her.  She handled it all with class, though, even telling Brad that “Emily is really lucky.” Poor Chantal. It was kinda heartbreaking to see her reaction through all of that waterproof caked-on dark mascara. And if she hadn’t voluntarily signed up to do a reality dating show where she knew she might be publicly humiliated on national TV, I might feel a bit sorry for her.

But I do have to hand it to her. Her limo interview and reactions were all very well done. She came off as the graceful, heartbroken loser who can now go back to Seattle and live eight blocks away from her parents’ place Versailles. Well played, Chantal.

Least Emotional Winner of The Bachelor:

Um, Em? You just won The Bachelor. You just found the man of your dreams and a new daddy for Little Ricki. You have a HUGE diamond ring on your finger. Brad chose YOU. Can you maybe crack a real smile or enthuse even a little? Can you throw your arms up in the air or do a little dance or SOMETHING?

What a letdown. I always thought it was weird how all season Emily guarded her emotions, but this was just plain weird, and a sign of things to come later on in the evening…

Most Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Contestant:

OK, so during the After the Final Rose special, Chantal comes out first. And of course she’s all back to being curvy and hot again. She took so much crap for how much weight she put on during the course of the show, that you just know she spent the last four months dieting and exercising so she could look super hot when she met Brad again.

She starts off by weeping and crying having to relive the whole season with Chris Harrison again and how heartbroken she is about it all. Awww…poor thing.

But just as we are all ready to feel sorry for her all over again, we hear she has a new guy in her life (which the spoiler sites already had told us a while back). Wait, what? Why is this girl weeping over Brad when she apparently has some terrific guy waiting for her at home? How must this terrific guy be feeling about now to see his girlfriend weeping and gnashing her teeth that Brad never loved her? C’mon, Chantal. Are you heartbroken or over it? Choose one!

Weirdest Transformation:

Wow. I always thought Brad was kinda just dense and little dumb. But after watching him on the After the Final Rose special, I honestly think that Jake has taken over his body. In his interview with Chantal he came off as aloof and arrogant and evaded any question she gave him that was anywhere near controversial. She asked him a few times at what point he knew it wasn’t her and he tried everything he could to not answer that.

Then, as the night went on and Emily came out, he all of a sudden turned into Jake on the night he was being interviewed with Vienna after they broke up. Did you hear Emily say Brad has a temper? Did you see the look of fear in her eyes as she kept turning to him to make sure it was OK if she said certain things about him? What was up with that? Why does she need permission from him for anything? The whole relationship is just creepy to me now.

It so harkened back to hearing Vienna talk about Jake raging at her for no apparent reason and watching Jake just sit there and smirk smugly like he knew better when we all knew Vienna was totally calling out his dirty laundry and that every word was true. Brad is a creep for sure.

Most Shocking Revelations:

Did you hear the faked gasps as Brad and Emily revealed that they have already broken up once? SHOCK! And that Emily wouldn’t move to Austin today if Brad asked her? SHOCK! Or that after the show would air Monday nights Brad would call Emily and he’d have to leave a message because she wouldn’t answer?

There is no way these two are gonna last. I’ll bet they are already split up even as I type this. They couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable together, but you know the producers wanted their happy ending, and so poor Brad and Em had to pretend to like each other. How unhappy did she look the whole time he had his arm around her? How stone-cold, emotionally dead could she have seemed? Not looking good, folks…

What Show Am I Watching? Award:

So we’re in the midst of a pretty ho-hum After the Final Rose special and all of a sudden the producers trot out three past couples who all have gone on to happy, fulfilling relationships. How much did that whole segment feel like an episode of Intervention? It was like the producers already knew the writing is on the wall for Brad and Emily, and so they sent in the big Bachelor guns to try to help smooth things over.  “Maybe if we bring in couples who say they are in love, Brad and Emily will be in love too even though we don’t really care about them that much…”

“Hey guys! It’s tough to be on this show. Everyone picks you apart and tries to tear you down, but you gotta be stronger than that!” That was the general message from the couples there. But if Brad and Emily have already broken up once, I don’t think any amount of Ali and Trista’s faux perkiness or Molly’s “above-it-all”-ness or Ryan’s bad Dr. Spock haircut is going to save this relationship. Even Brad giving Emily back her ring resized (the show couldn’t have it in her size back in South Africa? Why not?) screams “trying too hard”, and so what could have been a happy ending to this season actually feels kind of depressing and hopeless.

And so with that, we are through with another season. I’ve had fun over the past few couple of years writing these blogs, but I think this will be my final one. When I started this, I was hoping for a more interactive experience where people could comment and we could discuss. I can see from the numbers on my site that there are hundreds of people checking this out every week, but no one ever leaves comments here. A few of you are great and comment on the After the Rose Facebook page (shout-out to you, Marilyn! I don’t even know you personally, but thank you!)

So I’ll make a deal with you guys. If I can get ten comments on this blog from ten different people OR I can get 50 people who like the After the Rose Facebook page, I’ll do these blogs again for Ashley’s season. If not, then I will go quietly off into the Bachelor sunset and leave the blogging to the guys with the spoilers.

Either way, thanks for reading what you have and thanks especially to those who have posted comments and made this show fun to watch! Even if I’m not blogging about it in May, rest assured that I will be tuned in for Not-A-Dentist Ashley’s season.

Catch you later!