Thanks for hanging in there this week, After the Rose fans. I’ve been a bit under the weather, and this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and write. Also, those of you who follow the spoiler sites know that there has been a lot of action over there this week. I kinda wanted to wait to see what would come of all of it before I typed all of this up just in case some of what I say is outdated. Apologies if it is!
In a way, it’s all good since we were back to a boring, long-winded episode again this week. How did the producers manage to make two hours in South Africa be such a long, dreary affair? There WERE a few highlights, though, so let’s get to ‘em…
“You Are Not Survivor” Award:
This goes to the producers, of course. Survivor always has to edit in shots of the local animals looking all creepy and stalker-y to add to the tone of how everyone on that show backstabs and sneaks around like creepy crawly creatures. But it doesn’t work as well here on The Bachelor. It felt like half of this episode was filler shots of every sort of animal imaginable. There are only so many zebras and giraffes you can watch when what you really just want is to get down to Bachelor business. Leave the wildlife to the professionals, producers!
Funniest Line of the Night:
This could even be a contender for funniest line of the season. As Brad and Chantal’s boobs and too-short jeans cut-off shorts are Jeep-ing through the scary backroads of the South African wilds, Brad tells us, “I’m sitting here looking at the South African bush!” Maybe Chantal should wear pants next time?
Most Bummed with Her Animal Symbolism:
On Survivor they use shots of wildlife to symbolize characters’ personalities. Just as a sneaky, conniving person flips someone to his side we’ll get a shot of a spider killing and eating its prey. Or just as someone is about to get blindsided we’ll see a helpless mouse being swallowed whole by a vicious snake.
Apparently The Bachelor is different. As Brad and Chantal O. are eating their picnic by the local watering hole, they are greeted by a pack (herd? bevy? flock?) of hippos. Since she’s been getting so much crap for how much weight she put on during the taping of the series, how bummed do you think Chantal was to see her romantic date interspersed with tons of shots of fat, roly-poly hippos flicking their ears and floating lazily in the water? Symbolism much, producers? Mean, mean, mean…
(Also, why was Chantal’s dinner date with Brad in the broad daylight? The other two got romantic nighttime dates for dinner, but it looked like Chantal and Brad were eating lunch instead. What gives?)
Coolest Fantasy Suite:
This has to be that really neat treehouse that Brad and Chantal got busy in. Such a cool setting – open-air, under the stars, lions roaring in the background, and black mamba snakes winding their way up the trunk to kill you once you fall asleep. I couldn’t think of any better place to get my first peek at Brad’s naughty bits.
Dumbest Line of the Night:
This is actually a tie, but both awards go to Emily, so I’ll put them in the same category.
It’s Emily’s turn for some one-on-one time and she and Brad run to each other in joyous glee as they first see each other. But Brad has a little something up his sleeve. He tells Emily to wait and that he forgot something. Then he turns and bolts back up the dirt road he came down. Emily stares after him, perplexed. Then she waits. And she waits. And she waits. Will Brad ever come back? Surely he’s left her there forever. In the midst of her emotional turmoil she tells us in a voiceover, “It’s possible a lion could come eat me!”
GASP! A lion!? Think about it Emily. Even if there were an actual lion within a mile of that spot where you are standing, it would have to get through all of the camera, sound, and lighting people, the producers and directors, the flunkies who are waving the mosquitoes off of you, and the snipers they have stationed every ten feet around you to ensure your safety. So yes, it’s possible a lion could come eat you, I guess. But not really…
Then later as they are riding along, Emily chirps to Brad, “This is like The Lion King, but better!” It’s like the WHAT now? The Lion King? Really? So you being on that elephant with Brad is just like a bunch of cartoons singing and fighting their way to total domination over the pridelands? Really? Hakuna Matata, Em…
Biggest Sign It’s Time for a New Dream:
I’ve ridden an elephant before. Yeah, it’s fun. It’s different. It makes you smile. But it also makes you kinda seasick and it also keeps feeling like you’re about to be thrown off.
So I had a tough time understanding why Emily kept gushing that riding an elephant was her “dream”. Emily is so excited to ride the elephant that she even tells Brad to “shut up” and then proceeds to hurl out several “Oh my goodness gracious!”-s and “Oh my dear lord”-s.
Really, Emily? This is your dream? Finding a new daddy for Little Ricki isn’t a dream? Having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life isn’t your dream? I think it’s time to re-evaluate, sweetie.
Most Psyched About Her Animal Symbolism:
Emily was doing a little happy dance in front of her TV when she saw her dinner date with Brad. Sure, Chantal got roly-poly hippos looking fat, slobby, and lazy. But when Brad and Emily start making out, they get the sounds of elephant trumpets in the background. How much more excited and happy can THAT symbolism be? Of course, the sounds were totally faked and put in during editing back in LA, but Emily must have been happy that sub-consciously we now associate Chantal with fat hippos and Emily with (fake) trumpets of joy.
Best Excuse for a Cold Shower:
After Brad and Emily’s romantic dinner out in the middle of the African nowhere surrounded by thousands of pairs of animal eyes and creepy-crawly insects trying to sneak in from everywhere, Brad hands Emily the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it out loud. Brad’s all hot and bothered since he didn’t get to go all the way with Emily last week when her daughter was sleeping a few feet away. Out here in South Africa there’s no daughter, so he’s all ready to do the horizontal South African shuffle.
But, alas, our Em is a good girl with high moral standing. She reminds Brad that she’s a mom to a five year old girl (like moms can’t be sexual? Lame…), and so she’s looking forward to using her time in the Fantasy Suite to talk and get to know Brad more.
Translation: “You ain’t gettin’ any of this tonight, Big Brad. Paws off.”
Cold shower, Table Five, please?
Fakest Over-Reaction of the Show:
This goes to Not-a-Dentist Ashley, who when she sees that her date involves a helicopter runs for the hills in surprise and shock like she had no idea her date would involve flying. Is she not staying at the same place where Brad is staying? Did she not hear the roar of the helicopter landing just down the street? How is this such a surprise to her? She and Brad just walked down the road a ways from her house to get to the thing. You think she would have noticed it landing there, right?
This whole “This is my biggest fear!” thing is getting so tired on this show. How many times do we have to see people facing what is supposedly their biggest fear only to find comfort and solace in the arms of their significant other to help them through it? Those people almost always get dumped on this show too. I guarantee that whomever has to go in the shark tank on next week’s episode will somehow let us know that sharks and/or deep water are their biggest fears.
Happiest Blogger Moment:
Interspersed throughout the episode, ABC was revealing the new cast for Dancing with the Stars. And I couldn’t be happier. This season’s cast is dull, lame, boring, virtually unknown, and a big waste of time. I’m so happy that I will get two to three nights a week back by not having to watch any of it. THAT’S the best they could do?! Not boding well for that show…
Most Obvious Crash and Burn Moment of the Show:
We can all see Ashley and Brad’s date totally unraveling at the seams. And we can see the reason is that Ashley is not giving Brad the answers he’s looking for. Why can’t SHE see that? I mean, I’m in front of a DVR in California, never met either of them in real life, and even I can see that! The fact that Ashley is playing with her hair so much and that Brad is looking everywhere but at her can’t be a good sign either, huh?
Brad ends up dumping her, but he does the gentlemanly thing and pulls her out for some alone time to soften the blow. “I need to tell you goodbye,” the writers have told him to say. Ashley tries to hold it together, plays the whole “I’m shocked!” card, and gets whisked off into the African wilds never to be heard from again. Or maybe not? Stay tuned…
Meanwhile, Emily and Chantal are standing out next to what looks like a mosquito and crocodile-infested bog in the blistering sun. That’s love. The cameras keep cutting back to these two waiting while Brad dumps Ashley. It’s funny to see these two start to wilt with every shot. By the end Emily’s hair has shrunken about three sizes and even Chantal’s boobs aren’t looking as perky as they used to.
Most Useless Host Award:
This, of course, goes to Chris Harrison, who seems to be a pretty useless host overall. This is one of those shows I feel like would be the exact same without a host at all. After Brad dumps Ashley, there’s no need to have the suspense of handing out the final rose. So we don’t get to hear Chris tell Brad, “Brad, ladies, this is the final rose of the evening.” Even Brad remarks that Chris is absent from that duty.
Poor Chris. I wonder where he was instead? Sitting out on his porch in the sun having his daily massage? On a plane hightailing it back to LA to get out of the malaria-infested mosquito cloud? Let’s all take a moment and send poor Chris our positive thoughts…
Lamest Preview for Next Week:
On the next “real” episode in two weeks (next week is The Women Tell All), we see that Brad and the two ladies are heading to Cape Town. Didn’t you love how Brad announced it like he had any idea where it was and/or could even locate it on a map? He tells them that he considers it “…one of the most exciting cities in the world!” like he’s been anywhere other than Costa Rica and Anguilla. It never is a good thing when the producers have these people try to pretend like they are the experts in the countries or cities they are visiting. Remember Allie in Portugal with Roberto? You would have thought that she practically invented Portugal, she knew so much about it. My guess is we’re going to get a lot of that from Brad too.
Most Interesting Cuisine During the Credits:
It was kinda funny to watch Brad trick Chantal into eating a worm and then not eat one himself after she freaked out and over-reacted. And kinda funny that the hippos were still watchin’ them. Kinda…
Next week the women are going to tell all. I’m sure the producers have cooked up some juicy catfights and planted the right people in the audience to sneer maniacally when Michelle walks out and to applaud sympathetically when just-dumped Ashley takes the stage. There is bound to be snarkiness and maybe even a crossed leg bobbing up and down (or two? or three?) And I’ll be back on time next week to recap it all.
Don’t forget to “like” us on After the Rose over on Facebook. We always like to hear what you have to say! Catch you next week…
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