Before we dive into the dirt from last night’s episode, I’d like to offer an apology. Last week’s blog sucked. I rushed to get it done and the quality definitely suffered. I could have done a much better job if I’d had more time, and I apologize it wasn’t up to snuff. As in the actual show, they can’t all be winners. You’ve got to have some crazies and some losers too. Consider that my “Michelle” blog and let’s just call it even, OK? Onward…
“Sucks to Be You!” Award:
This goes to Britt who has said about twelve words this entire season, but is the first girl interviewed in Anguilla. Like Alli last week, we hear Britt’s frustration at not having had any one-on-one time with Brad thus far. This does not bode well for ol’ Britt, who we know from past experience will get dumped some time before the night is through. This was Alli’s exact storyline last week: “Wah, wah, wah! I never get alone time with Brad! I’m getting lots of interview time all of a sudden! I got the one-on-one date! But I’m boring and there’s no chemistry so I’m getting dumped!” It’s also a bit disconcerting to see how many piercings Britt has in her ear at any one time. Brad won’t go for a girl like that, guaranteed.
Dumbest Line of the Night:
This goes to Emily, who when the helicopter shows up to whisk them away on her one-on-one date with Brad chirps, “You do too much on our dates!” like Brad has anything to do with any part of the planning. Does Emily really think that Brad phones ahead to the helicopter company and the people who own the private island to see if they can help him out with his “special date”? Does she really think Brad buys the champagne and the picnic lunch ahead of time? Does she really think that Brad was even responsible for assigning this date to Emily? She is totally deluded if she thinks any of this. The producers tell Brad where to go and what to do and orchestrate every second of it themselves.
Dr. Evil Award:
This whole season I’ve painted Brad as a dumb-as-a-stump, deer in the headlights, there’s nothing going on behind those eyes type of guy. But did anyone else catch his near-maniacal laughter as Emily and he landed on the private island? There were several shots of him laughing with a very creepy tone. Is this how he normally laughs? If so, I can see why he’s been dateless for so long. No amount of broad shoulders or bulging biceps can cure that.
But maybe there’s another side to Brad I hadn’t seen before? Maybe I was wrong? Maybe he is smarter than I’m giving him credit for and is actually an evil mastermind behind a whole Bachelor plot where he knows that the whole thing is faked and is giggling maniacally at us because he thinks we’re falling for it? Whatever the reason, those laughs were pretty creepy…kinda like Dana Carvey doing a George Bush laugh as the devil.
Least Creative Place Names:
OK…so apparently Anguilla is a gorgeous tropical island paradise full of azure seas, glorious beaches, and friendly people. Why then, for the love of all things calypso, would they come up with such boring, self-evident place names? When Brad and Emily land on their own private sandy island, it’s not called something intriguing and Caribbean-y like “Castaway Island” or “Pirates’ Lair Island”. No…Anguilla had to pull out all the stops and name this sandy island “Sandy Island”. Really, guys?
Later on, during his date with Britt, they find themselves climbing up rocks to jump off into a little bay of water, and, of course, Anguilla has named this little bay “Little Bay”. C’mon, Anguilla…how about “Lovers’ Leap”? Or “Swirling Bay of Certain Death”? You had to call it “Little Bay”? Where’s the creativity there? You guys need to try way harder if you want anyone to even know where you are on a map.
And while we’re on the subject of Sandy Island, did anyone else notice the thousands of footprints that were already there before the helicopter even landed? Once I saw those, it didn’t really feel like a private island for only the two of them to share. It felt like the camera guys, producers, boom operators, directors, script writers, photographers, and various and sundry flunkies all had their way with that island before Brad and Emily even got close to it.
Mother Who Should Be the Most Worried:
This one goes to Emily. What’s with Brad’s obsession with meeting her daughter? They have gone out on two dates on a faked reality show. Where does it say that meeting her little girl and causing her psychological damage when she bonds with a self-serving, shallow stud for a week before he cheats on her mother is a pre-requisite for moving forward in this game?
On this one-on-one date Brad sorta puts down an ultimatum that he has to meet Emily’s daughter if he’s going to make a decision about moving forward with her. “It’d be huge if you’d allow me!” he grunts in his caveman monotone, and she rightfully waffles. Then Brad pulls out the big guns and tells her that this is all getting so real and she looks at him with puppy dog eyes.
Any fan of I Love Lucy got a kick out of Emily referring to her daughter as “Little Ricky”, right? Every time Brad kept pressing the point of meeting Ricky, I kept picturing her as a pint-sized Cuban kid pounding out Babaloo on her conga drum at the Tropicana.
We see a ton of stupid sun and moon symbolism and they go back and forth and nothing gets resolved about the meeting, but they do manage to find time to get busy making out in the waves, so I guess all is not lost. But Emily should tread lightly with this whole “Can I meet your kid?” thing. Mark my words…
Best “Goin’ Rogue” Moment:
This goes to Brad as he throws the rulebook to the wind and tells Emily flat out that she’s getting a rose tonight. Oh no! Brad just broke the rules! Now the producers are going to have to fire him from the show even though it’s almost done and find a replacement to go all the way back to the start and begin all over again, costing millions and millions of dollars! Does anyone really think this show has “rules” like that? And if they do and Brad actually broke a major one, do you really think the show would let us SEE that?
A close second for this is Brad telling Chris Harrison that he doesn’t need the final cocktail party to make his decision. This doesn’t really count as a “rogue” move, though, since it’s been done by others before.
Most Bummed Out to Hear Her Date Card Being Read:
Poor Shawntel the undertaker. She scores a surprise one-on-one date with Brad, but her Date Card says, “Let’s find love on the streets of Anguilla.” Doesn’t that make it sound like she and Brad are going scouting for whores? Isn’t that exactly what Rush Limbaugh said he was doing when he got caught at the airport with all of that Viagra on his way to the Caribbean? What kind of love does Brad think he will find exactly on the streets of Anguilla? I’ve never been there, but I’m guessing for the right price Brad and Shawntel will be able to find any kind of love they’d like, right?
Sadly for our interest level, the love Brad means is romantic love. So that means the same montage we get every season when the show heads somewhere with a third world element present – lots of pictures of the young lovers mixing it up and having fun with the locals. On this episode Brad and Shawntel jump rope, ride bikes, play dominoes with locals who barely tolerate them, get a thumbs up from Bob Marley’s second cousin twice removed, sip coconut milk straight out of the coconut just like the locals do, and get told by a woman who you know they casted for in Hollywood to play the part of mysterious soothsayer/matchmaker that they are in love and make a great couple. It’s all so…so…so…REAL, isn’t it?
Most Inappropriately Dressed:
This also goes to Shawntel, who apparently was not told she’d be straddling a bike and jumping rope on her date. She shows up in a very tight sarong-thing that makes spreading her legs a bit of a challenge to say the least. On second thought, maybe that was a good thing in the long run?
Worst Eye Contact:
Did anyone else notice how Shawntel almost never looks Brad directly in the eyes? She’s always looking down or away or has her eyes closed. What’s that about? Hiding much, Shawntel? Brad is telling you about his parents’ divorce and his dad never being there and all you can do is look off to the side. What’s so distracting over there? Is Michelle making faces? Is Chris Harrison skinny-dipping? Do tell…
Worst Editing Job of the Night:
After Brad and Shawntel eat dinner, the rain starts to pour down hard. They even comment on it and we see shots of it streaming out of the sky. But then there is a cut to them making out and there is no rain falling anymore. Then another cut…no rain. Then a different angle, and it’s pouring again. They just don’t even try with this stuff anymore, do they?
Worst Surprise of the Season:
So Brad has just taken Shawntel on what she calls her “perfect date” for the day and then they have topped the day off with a romantic dinner and making out in the (edited) rain. Brad then announces he has yet ANOTHER surprise in store, and Shawntel is most likely envisioning another shopping trip in Vegas or at the very least a peek at Brad’s naughty bits.
But no…Shawntel’s hopes are dashed when their date is suddenly invaded by a bunch of partiers all waiting to hear some locally famous reggae guy play a concert right next to them. All of a sudden their one-one-one time has become one-on-a-hundred-and-a-grizzled-looking-reggae-singer time. Total buzz kill. We can even watch as Shawntel has to muscle her way through the crowd so she can catch a glimpse of the singer. Poor thing. She’s gonna end the night with hickeys AND bruises…
Falsest Advertising:
Britt’s Date Card said, “Let’s sail on the sea of love,” but I cry foul on that. Doesn’t that line sound romantic? Doesn’t it conjure images of romantic sunsets and moonlit nights gracefully bobbing in the open sea? Well, for Britt, apparently, it means you have to swim out to your own boat. It also means that everyone calls that boat a yacht, when it most obviously is just a big boat. When one thinks of yachts, one imagines gigantic vessels with graceful appointments and luxurious décor. This tub was just a big, white boat. We didn’t even get to see the inside of it since the producers knew that it would suck and we’d figure them out. This is not Donald Trump’s yacht or the Sultan of Oman’s yacht. This is Bob Marley’s second cousin twice removed’s fishing boat, and we all know it.
To top it off, this cruise on the “sea of love” Is marked by high winds that blow Britt’s hair everywhere and even cause the tablecloth to blow on top of the candles. Apparently some pretty strong rain showers moved through at some point. Did anyone else notice all the drops falling off of all of the metal railings? And these storms start the boat pitching and rocking so hard that even I was getting seasick watching the background rise and fall above them as they ate. Nothing about this date was romantic or even remotely connected to setting sail on the sea of love.
And, of course, Britt (who thinks she can’t be dumped on this date) gets dumped on this date and doesn’t get to make a walk of shame out to a limo. No, poor Britt gets to be ferried back to the mainland (didn’t you want to see them make her walk the plank and swim for it herself? I wonder if Kasey is still stranded out on that glacier?), and then have to let herself back in to the girls’ villa to pack her stuff and explain to everyone else why she’s crying and upset. Didn’t you just love how the producers told the girls to over-emote as Britt walked through the door to pack? Never in the history of the show have we seen any girls more excited to see someone come back from a date, but the show made sure we saw it last night to heighten the tension when Britt finally has to admit that she just got dumped. Awesome move, producers!
Most Blatant Product Tie-In of the Show:
This would of course be the “fashion shoot” that Dentist Ashley, Crazy Michelle, and Chantal O’s boobs have for Sports Illustrated. I wonder why they chose a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot for these girls? It couldn’t be because the actual swimsuit issue came out today, could it? What an amazing coincidence of timing!
I haven’t seen the magazine yet, but I’m gonna guess Chantal O. gets to be the one inside since Dentist Ashley runs around screaming how she has no boobs and Michelle just basically turns the whole shoot into a porn production with her steamy make out session with Brad. Although, did you hear the photographer ooh and aah over how Dentist Ashley could do an “Oh what a feeling!” jump in the air and kick her feet out? It was like he’d never seen anyone jump before. “Great! Keep going! One more time!” So maybe Ashley DOES make it into the magazine?
Sippiest Chick:
I mentioned before that Dentist Ashley should not be sippin’ on the all of the booze that the producers foist on these people. A few episodes ago she embarrassed herself and got all half-lidded and pinkie-sticking-out and slurred words at a pool party. On this episode she did the same and it wasn’t pretty. This girl needs to stick with the Crystal Geyser.
Most Contrived Scene:
This one is the toughest to decide, but I’m going to give it to Brad deciding to give the rose on the Group Date to Dentist Ashley. After we have heard him say to Crazy Michelle that he thinks all of their conversations are deep and how easy it is to talk with her, and after he makes out with Chantal O. and walks on the sea floor near Catalina with her and lends her his shirt, he ends up giving THIS rose to Dentist Ashley. This predictably sets off Chantal O. who immediately crumples into a pit of despair and depression as the sad strings well up behind her and she wipes her face a lot. It couldn’t have been choreographed better – give the rose to the woman you have the least connection with and watch the waterworks (or eye daggers in Crazy Michelle’s case) turn on full blast from the others.
Freakiest Reoccurring Theme:
OK…I haven’t been commenting this season on the blue lights that show up everywhere somehow backlighting every scene. But last night’s sighting of them was just too good to pass up. As the girls arrive for the cocktail party, we see the name of the hotel is “Le Bleu”, which means “The Blue” en francais. And as they walk through the grounds to get to Brad, what is everywhere along the way lighting up the fountains and pools and shining up walls? Yup…you guessed it…the blue light. It’s a whole freakin’ HOTEL of blue lights! Right there in Anguilla! Who knew?
Most “Are You Even Listening to Him?” Line:
As Brad explains to Chris Harrison that he doesn’t need the final cocktail party to make his decision tonight, he says, “I’m very clear in my decision,” to which Chris of course responds, “It seems like you’re clear.” News flash, Chris. You get a lot of crap on this show for coming off as shallow, unintelligent, and too hook-nosed. I’ll let you guess which of the three categories this line falls under.
Hugest Disappointment of the Season:
So in the end Brad gives roses to Emily (we knew this already since he went rogue and told her he would do it), Chantal’s boobs, and Shawntel (since he’s always heard about what a kickass party town Chico is and he’s totally stoked for beer bong hits and toga parties). That means Crazy Michelle is finally toast.
We wring our hands expectantly and shift a little closer to the TV in preparation for the fireworks explosion of venom and vitriol that we know will begin coursing out of Michelle’s mouth as it dawns on her that fake eyebrows and porn sessions in the sand aren’t enough to win Brad’s heart.
Alas, we get none of that. What we see are several shots of Michelle looking surprised and arching her eyebrows, then Brad walking her to the car while she tells him “probably not” when he asks if he can hold her hand, then her telling him she doesn’t want to talk, then a weird montage of her pushing herself down sideways into the back seat of the car and twitching in a weird way. And that’s it.
Wait…that’s IT?! They have set this chick up to be the be-all and end-all of crazy chicks on this show. We’ve gotten every catty one-liner from her and every stalker-y pose and thought from her. She gets dumped on national TV and we only get to see her rubbing her face on the naugahyde of a lame Anguilla LIMO?! Where are the quippy retorts back to Brad? Where are the throw-down lines to the remaining ladies about what she really thinks of them? Where is her emotional meltdown in the back of the car? Where’s the CRAZY?
This is, frankly, one of the biggest letdowns in recent Bachelor history. All of that set-up for nuttin’. Michelle comes in like a lion and goes out like an old porn star. Good riddance, Michelle. Hope your eyebrows grow back some day and that you finally make it out of that beauty shop in Salt Lake City where you worked once so the producers put that down under your name every time you appeared on screen since you really live in LA and work as a model now. We’ll miss you!
Epilogue:
We can already tell who’s gonna get dumped next week during the previews. We see Brad having fun and smiling with Chantal O’s boobs and with Emily and her daughter, but the music turns all creepy as he visits Undertaker Shawntel’s work and lies down on the embalming table and tours the beautiful furnace where they turn humans into ashes. Remember the hometown date Ali went on where one guy’s dad did taxidermy and the psycho music played the whole time? That guy was toast within the hour.
The credits are supposed to be funny when two of the girls sneak up on a snoozing Dentist Ashley as she dozes outside, but it all just really makes me feel jealous that I want some place in the middle of February where it’s warm enough to sleep outside under the stars in my swimsuit. It IS kinda funny to see Ashley call the other girls “You f***ers!” as they run away, but otherwise, I wish that were me snoozin’ in paradise.
OK, Bachelor fans. That’s a wrap for this week. Hope this blog is better than last week’s. I promise to try harder, although it’s going to be tough since we’re down to all of the boring girls now. Everyone with personality (except you Britt…you were just plain boring the whole time you were there) is gone now. Catch you next week for the hometown dates, and please don’t forget to “Like” us over on Facebook at After the Rose!
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