Versailles, Doubloons, and Disinterested Little Kids

It’s time for the hometown dates! I always look forward to this episode since it takes us out of the humdrum episodes where everyone is all in one place at the same time. Sure it’s fun to watch the cattiness when the girls are all locked up in the same mansion, but getting out to the other cities is a nice change of pace, dontcha think?

It’s also fun to watch how bad the editing gets on these episodes since the producers don’t have much control over where these girls are from. In every home the producers decided to pixilate out certain items. They do this every season and it always leaves me wondering what was back there that was so forbidden on ABC? Did Shawntel’s dad put up pictures of her nude in a coffin? Did Chantal O.’s dad have up a painting of him and his wife dressed as nuns on a Harley? What gives?

There’s plenty to talk about on these hometown dates, so let’s get to it…

Dumbest Fashion Choices:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to Brad during the scenes when he’s flashing back to his times so far with the four remaining ladies. What was up with that dumb cap he had on? It looked like he was part of the cast of Newsies or something. I get that he’s in New York City which calls for a more sophisticated look than when he was in, say Anguilla. But that cap just made him look like he should be yelling, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” on some 1930’s-era street corner. They couldn’t have made him more city-chic by greasing his hair back and putting him in a blazer with no tie?

I loved how as they were showing shots of Brad pensively thinking on his balcony overlooking New York they put in the choice sound bite of him saying, “Also…I’m thinking a lot.” Maybe this thing is a Thinking Cap? I guess that could explain a few things, huh?

2. The second award goes to Chantal O., who during her entire time with Brad wore an outfit that made her look like a United Airlines flight attendant circa 1985. What was the deal with the red, white, and blue scarf? It didn’t move the entire time.  And paired with the dark clothes, her whole look screamed, “Thank you for flying the friendly skies! Coffee? Tea? Or me?”

Longest Streets in America:

Apparently, Seattle has some awesomely long streets in it. When Chantal O. tells Brad that she lives four streets away from her parents and hangs out there a lot for dinner, we all go, “Awww…how nice!” Brad and Chantal O. hang at her place for a while with her little yappy dog who doesn’t bite Brad and two cats who couldn’t care less about him (foreshadowing of Emily’s daughter later in the show?)

When it comes time to go four streets away to meet the parents, Brad and Chantal O. hop in the black SUV and drive…and drive…and drive, all the while talking away. How long does it take to drive four streets in Seattle? I’ve been there a few times and nothing seemed THAT long.

Coolest House from the Outside:

This goes to Chantal O. Did anyone else see the front of her house and automatically think, “BRADY BUNCH!” There was something about it – the lines, the façade, the landscaping – that made me think Mike and Carol Brady were going to be inside all lined up on the banister of the staircase with the six kids ranged from tallest to shortest. Am I way off base here?

The interior did not match the exterior at all. Chantal’s bachelorette pad is actually pretty nice and modern (even though the show made her light the ubiquitous candles during the daytime…)

Pet Name That Inspires the Most Foreshadowing:

One of Chantal’s cat’s names is Jinxie. As in “I hope I don’t jinx this whole thing and end up pushing Brad away, so let me press my boobs out further while we sit and chat!”

Biggest Surprise of the Show:

This has to go to Chantal O.’s parents’ house. Was that even a house? I think we should call it Versailles and leave it at that. I had read on the spoiler pages that Chantal comes from some money and that her dad was a racecar driver in his day, but I had no idea that her family was THAT wealthy. How tall were those front doors? Like three stories each? And that “living room” where they all chatted at first? Those ceilings must have been at least four stories high. I expected King Louis and his court to appear at any moment and order someone’s head chopped off.

And didn’t you love how they had to showcase every inch of the house by taking every permutation of one-on-one discussions and staging them in different rooms? We got to see Dad’s study, the wine cellar (how many HUNDREDS of bottles were piled up behind Brad and Dad in that scene?), and even some sort of courtyard outside where there is a giant statue. Like GIANT statue. Like “bigger-than-the-statue-of-David” giant statue. I loved how Dad and Brad had to do a “one up” of how far each of them and their ancestors had come to get to where they are now. The conversation went something like this:

“My grandfather was a mason.”

“So was mine, but he had to lay the bricks backwards at night in a snowstorm with no shoes on. He worked hard.”

“I used to lay bricks too.”
“So did I, but I didn’t get paid for it.”

“Grunt grunt!”

“Man sound, man sound!”

(or something like that, anyway…)

And did you notice how DARK everything was in that place? Even during the broad daylight there was zero natural light coming in anywhere.  I’m sure the producers LOVED lighting that whole scenario.

These folks are definitely rolling in the dough, but the producers made sure to let us know that they earned every penny and worked hard for all they have. Unlike Chantal. This whole Versailles thing explains why her house is so swanky when her job is an admin assistant at her dad’s business. If you were Brad, you would totally tap into all this wealth, no? My money is on Chantal O’s boobs for the win here.

Saddest Commentary on Our Society:

How sad is it that every girl who brought Brad back to her parents’ house had to knock on the door and ring the doorbell first? Don’t they have keys to their own parents’ houses? I do. Is that weird? Maybe the producers made them knock so we could get those really shrill screams of happiness and doubling over in elation that greeted all of the waiting families on the other side of the door? I dunno, but I think it’s pretty sad when kids are locked out of the houses where they grew up.

MILF-iest Mom of the Hometown Dates:

This of course goes to Chantal’s mom, who is a cross between Marie Osmond, Angelina Jolie, and Linda Gray (Sue Ellen from Dallas). She perched on her little throne in the sitting room and pouted those giant lips and waved around that tightly packed (yet strangely visible) cleavage for Brad to check out. I’m sure Brad was relieved to get a preview of coming attractions when he met Chantal’s mom. She even had on chunky jewelry, which makes her Bachelor cool these days, I guess.

And did you just love that her name is Billie Joe? It somehow fit her so well, but I don’t know why.

Most Obvious Wardrobe Malfunction of the Night:

When we first meet Chantal’s family, we see her younger brother Connor in the mix in his red jersey and sports-style clothes. Then we cut to dinnertime and everyone is wearing what they were wearing earlier except for him. The producers have obviously noticed how damned dark this house is and how your eye naturally went to the bright red color he was wearing, and so they have made him change into a black hoodie-style thing and sit on the other side of the table away from the main event. Poor Connor.

Best Pirate Impersonation of the Night:

This goes to Dentist Ashley who is wearing giant silver earrings that could double as pirate doubloons in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Arrrrr, me maties! In search of me buried treasure, are ya?

Most Disgusting Regional Cuisine:

After his sophisticated time at Chez Chantal’s Folks, Brad next has to rough it and brave the wilds of northernmost Maine. And instead of getting to see her house and meet her pets (since Ashley doesn’t even live here anymore), Brad has to settle for some time alone at the restaurant where Ashley WORKED THE BAR in HIGH SCHOOL! Did you all pick up on that too? How does someone legally work the bar when they are still under 21? I guess they interpret laws differently out in the middle of French-patois nowhere.

Anyway, Dentist Ashley tells Brad he just HAS to order the local favorite dish – “poutine” (I had to look it up to know how to spell it since it kept sounding like they were saying “puts in”. I was so bummed when I realized I wouldn’t be able to make some sort of double-entendre with “puts-in” in the blog this week. Ah well…) This dish consists of fries, cheese, and gravy. This didn’t sound too bad until I saw it. And let me tell you, you can call it any French name you’d like, but that plate still looked like a heap of greasy fries with crap dripping all over it. I can guarantee you would not find that dish anywhere near a real French restaurant. Every French ancestor of Ashley’s is rolling over in his/her grave as Ashley makes num-num sounds and feeds Brad a greasy fry dripping with gravy. To each his/her own, but I think I’ll pass on the poutine next time I’m up in Mooseland.

One of my favorite lines of the night comes from Brad at this point when he looks down at the disgusting mess in front of him and opines, “This looks SO much better than sushi!” Huh? Why is he comparing THOSE two dishes? Why sushi? Why not, “This looks SO much better than dog food”? or, “This looks SO much better than that crap Chantal’s mom made me eat”?

Lamest Language Lesson:

Next, Ashley titters at the lame way Brad tries to order his “French” food. She reassures him that he’s doing fine, like they have moved to downtown Paris and his life depends on knowing his way around the language. Then, in a head-slapping “I coulda had a V-8!” moment, Brad accidentally answers “sí” to the woman who brings them their food. Oh NO! he answered, “Sí”!

After this major cultural faux pas (do you like how I snuck some French in there?) we have to endure a cringe-worthy rehashing of the event by Brad as he tells us that  “sí” is SPANISH (wait for the head slap), not FRENCH! Did y’all get that? He’s in a French-speaking place and he answered in SPANISH! And to add to the moment, the producers at this point decide to start piping in the dumbass soundtrack that seems to follow Brad everywhere.

I’m not sure why Brad and the producers decided to emphasize this all so much since it just points out again how dumb Brad seems. I can’t wait for them to go to South Africa next week and have Brad lament to us, “I’m nervous since I don’t know how to speak South African!”

Best Sign That She’s Not the Girl for You:

As Brad opens wide to have Dentist Ashley feed him a greasy fry, she peers into his mouth and tells him that she saw his crown. Really, Ashley? You really want Brad to feel self-conscious about what’s in his mouth when this is your only alone time with him for a long while? You can’t tell him how huge his arms look even though they are buried underneath all of those layers? Or how sexy his smile is? You have to go right for the crown in the back of his mouth?

Um, Brad…she’s not the girl for you (plus, she says “Like” WAY too much. Can you imagine her as your dentist? “Um…like, I’m gonna like totally need you to like open wide now, OK?”)

Idea That Would Work the Least Well in My Neighborhood:

Didn’t you smile nostalgically at the “Honor System” to pay for all of the fresh fruits and veggies? That would never fly where I live. That food would be gone in a flash and the money box along with it. It’s nice that the producers have pointed out a really good place for you to go if you ever want an easy robbery job where no one will see you steal a cash box. Thanks for that, guys.

Most Surprising Sibling of the Night:

Dentist Ashley so far has been portrayed as bubbly and perky, if not a little sloshy and pinkie-sticking-out-y when she’s sipped too much. She’s the quintessential sorority girl out of college – squeaky clean Breck girl looks and reputation, but trying to show a more serious, professional side as well.

So how totally unprepared were we for meeting her sister? Out in the middle of nowhere-Maine all of a sudden appears this chick who is COVERED in tattoos. She has her sleeves rolled up and we can see them coursing down her arms. But the better prize awaits, because just as I am about to make a crack about the chunky jewelry hanging on her chest, I realize it’s tattoos TOO! This girl has them coming up her CLEAVAGE! Score! I love that the producers didn’t make her cover them up at all. They could have made her wear some black hoodie like poor Connor, but no. They chose just to let her have it all hang out. I couldn’t stop staring at all the artwork and wondering how much it must HURT to get a tattoo on your breastbone. OUCH!

And it’s icing on the cake that this sister’s name is Chrystie. She joins a long list of Bachelor and Bachelorette wannabes who don’t know how to spell their own names (how’s life treatin’ you these days Alli with no “E”?)

Most “Riches to Rags” Moment:

While Chantal’s dad talks to Brad in the wine cellar stoked with fine vintages from all over the world, the atrium, the courtyard, and all other parts of his vast estate, it appears that Ashley’s dad takes Brad out to what used to be a garage that has now been turned into a Man Cave. This is definitely a step down for ol’ Brad. I’m not knocking that Ashley’s family obviously has less money than Chantal’s, but it’s gotta register on Brad’s radar that if he picks Ashley he’s going to be watching the Super Bowl with her dad in a freezing cold garage, and if he picks Chantal he’ll get to watch it in an actual home theater with heated chairs and table service. I think the choice is obvious, right?

Biggest Producer Lie of the Season:

As Brad is chatting in the Man Cave/garage with Dentist Ashley’s dad, Dad accidentally lets slip that Ashley IS NOT EVEN A DENTIST YET! Wait, you mean that every time you’ve been flashing her name up on the screen with her hometown and the word “dentist” underneath, that you knew she wasn’t even a dentist yet? Dad says she’s still in school. Oh my god. Now I REALLY don’t want Ashley anywhere near my mouth. Pinkie down, sweetheart, pinkie down…

This paints her in a whole new light now. Before I thought that she was an actual dentist with patients, a practice, and one of those chairs that Brad can get busy in with her after hours. But now we come to realize that’s all been a sham perpetuated by the producers. Dentist Ashley is actually Dentist-in-Training Ashley, which is too much to type, so she’ll just go back to being Ashley for now.

Funniest Ad for a Mortuary:

It was Bachelor GOLD that they dug up that ad with Shawntel and her family pimping out their funeral home, wasn’t it? Classic! I’m sure that got her lots of play on the mean streets of Chico. I’m guessing it’s pretty tough to make your mortuary ad stand out, but they made sure Shawntel was right there all dolled up. Actually, out of all of the ladies left she is the most naturally hot. The other three I am guessing are the types that are so made up that you wouldn’t even recognize them in the morning without their makeup on and their hair done. Shawntel seems like the most naturally beautiful of the group.

Creepiest Date of the Night:

The set-up for this one was huge, and it didn’t disappoint. Of course the winner of this is Brad’s date with Shawntel at the mortuary. The producers do it up right by playing dirge-y organ music that sounds like it’s straight out of Phantom of the Opera (the black and white movie, not the Andrew Lloyd Weber one. I have standards, y’know…)

After touring where the bodies are cremated (shudder) and cracking jokes about death in front of the actual remains of people in the crematorium, the two skip merrily down the hall to the embalming room. Here, Brad makes the unwise decision to get himself up on the table like he’s at his physical and he’s ready to turn and cough. Instead of Shawntel’s hands cupping his privates, though, he is subjected to all of the instruments of death Shawntel has at her disposal and gets a blow-by-blow of the process she goes through to embalm bodies. It takes all the way until Shawntel starts talking about draining the carotid artery for Brad to finally say, “Yeah…this is really weird.” Brad, the Weird Train left the station about half-past touring where the bodies are burned.

Hottest Siblings:

Wow…Shawntel’s sisters are as good-looking as she is. Totally hot. They are named Destiny and Vanessa too which sound like porn star names already when you add them to Shawntel. Funny that they both have the blonde hair, blue-eyed thing going on while Shawntel has the dark, sultry thing happening. I’m guessing that their mortuary gets a lot of business just through these three girls alone, right?

Worst Way to Tell Your Dad You Don’t Want to Be an Embalmer in Chico Your Whole Life:

Poor Shawntel’s dad. He’s all excited to see his daughter and meet her new beau. Dinner goes great. Lots of scintillating small talk. And then during his alone time with her Dad gets the bomb dropped on him. If Brad chooses Shawntel in the end, she’ll most likely blow this death joint and not carry on Dad’s side of the family business. Poor Dad seems blindsided by this. In one fell swoop, all of his dreams for his daughter taking over his business so he can retire in Boca just flew out the window like mortuary smoke (Did I just SAY that?! Yes…I did…) This is how Shawntel tells him? On national TV? Not too classy. Shawntel.

Worst Way to React When Your Daughter Has Just Told You That She Doesn’t Want to Be an Embalmer in Chico Her Whole Life:

So after hearing the news, Dad does what any self-respecting parent would do and turns on the guilt BIG TIME. He starts off by reminding Shawntel this wasn’t the plan she talked about with him. “You’re making a U-turn here,” he tells her. When it’s obvious that this tack won’t work, he brings out the big guns and reminds her that one of her high school teachers tragically lost a child while Shawntel was out gallivanting around the world with Brad. “She desperately needed you,” he reminds her. Really, Dad? You’re gonna play it like that? I get that you’re nervous about all of your plans being destroyed, but really. Have you SEEN your daughter? Did you really think she was going to hang in Chico at a mortuary her whole life? Bad move, Dad.

Creepiest Family Portrait:

I love looking in the backgrounds of the shots while they film at the parents’ houses. You get some great insight into the people who live there. In Shawntel’s family’s case, what was up with that super weird painting of the three girls the camera decided to zoom in on and hold for a few seconds? Was that set up to add to the creepiness factor already present on this date? None of the girls looked even remotely like they do in real life. Shawntel was unrecognizable. The girls all had super elongated faces and appeared like caricatures, but morbid ones. I think dad should be hanging this on the wall of his office at the mortuary, not in the middle of the living room.

Least Interested in Having Anything to Do With Brad:

This goes to Little Ricky (“Babaloo!”), Emily’s girl. It was painfully awkward to watch Brad try to break through to her. Of course the producers were setting us up for a big emotional moment when she started to open up and actually bond with him, but this didn’t really ever happen. Yes, they tried to show us shots of her flying her lame kite that the producers bought for Brad and told him to give her to break the ice. Yes, they played Candyland together. Yes, he helped tuck her in at night. Yes, she drew him a picture of flying a kite. But in the end, all Brad got was a thank you and a sorta smile and we got 10,000 edits of faked giggling foleyed in on top of shots where no one’s mouth was giggling at all or when everyone’s back was turned to us.

Little kids know a lot about people without saying a word. They are like pets that way. Mark my words. If Brad ends up choosing Emily in the end, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Little Ricky (“That’s Vita-meata-vegimin!”) will turn into that girl from Firestarter for sure.

Overstatement of the Season:

We see that Emily too lives in a huge, gorgeous house. If she wasn’t legally married to the racecar driver, I wonder where she got all of that cash from? Why didn’t we meet her parents? Do they help her out? She doesn’t live in a place like that being a non-profit charity event organizer like her subtitle says, that’s for sure.

As she lets Brad into Chez Emily, she tells us that she has a very boring, humdrum life. She worries that Brad, “…might not like the simplicity of my life.” Wait…the WHAT now? Did you all check out that little girl’s room complete with full-sized playhouse and every stuffed animal and toy known to mankind? THAT is simple? Or how gigantic that house is for one woman and her little girl? THAT is simple? Overstatement of the year for sure.

Strangest Nickname:

I get that Emily wants to shield Little Ricky (“Luuuuuucy! I’m hooooome!”) from all the bad dates and one-night stands she’s ever had, but why did she keep insisting on calling Brad “Mr. Brad”? So strange. Why not just “Brad”? If they got married, I assume that’s what the little girl would call him. Calling him Mr. Brad just made him seem like the male nanny.

Biggest Blown Opportunity:

Wow, Brad. You finally have a hot girl all to yourself. She says it’s been AGES since she last, you know, “got busy” (Pshaw…yeah right!) So what do you do? You push aside the dishes of congealed mac and cheese on the table in front of you and ravish her like the sweet young thing she is? Nope. Not our Brad. He’s a stand-up guy and tells Emily that with her daughter sleeping just upstairs he wants to respect their family and not put the moves on ol’ Em.

To our shock, Emily is actually totally disappointed by this, as if she were expecting Brad to just do the deed right there on the TV room floor. She even tells him that in not so many words and arches her eyebrows and looks away demurely, but Brad ain’t havin’ any of that. He’s going to play the “I’m a stand-up gentleman from Texas who respects women even if they want to get horizontal within earshot of their daughter” card.

You blew it, Big Guy. All you get is a smooch in the doorway on the way out. (And P.S….how much did you want the kid to come walking down the staircase asking for a drink of water JUST as they were making out? How perfect would THAT have been?)

Worst Dress at the Rose Ceremony:

Ouch, Chantal O. That red dress was too tight and too shiny. I’m all for flaunting what you got, but there was nothing flattering about that dress at all.

Didn’t she looked packed in there and super-uncomfortable throughout the whole ceremony.

Least Surprising Scene:

We all knew Shawntel was going to get dumped. I think the writing was pretty much on the wall for that happening once the creepy Phantom organ music started playing. The poor thing tells us that she didn’t see it coming, though, and cries in the back of the limo as she tells us she really saw her and Brad getting married. She rubs her forehead a lot and tells us wistfully, “I’ll miss him.” Poor Shawntel. I’m guessing that if things don’t work out in the Big City, that there’s a small town in Chico that’s itchin’ to get its sexiest embalmer back again.

Most Interesting Preview Scenes:

Apparently next week’s episode is all set to music from The Lion King since that’s the only style of music we hear in the background. From what I could see, I’m most looking forward to the huge lion roar that will undoubtedly symbolize Brad’s sexual prowess, Emily freaking out about the Fantasy Suite card, and Brad wearing a tailored suit and leaning pensively on a railing out in the middle of the African savannah. It will all be great, I’m sure!

Preview of Why Brad and Emily Should Never Be Together:

In the closing credits we get to see Bard and Em all homey and makin’ mac and cheese in her kitchen. He’s playing up the “I’m such a guy and I don’t know how to cook” thing. At one point she turns to him and says, “You DO need a woman in your life.” To which he answers, “Did you just call me dude?” And…scene. Please keep these two as separate from each other as possible. The dullness and vapidity (is that even a word? If not, I just made it up here.) are mind-numbing and if these two ever bred the results could be catastrophic. Let’s hope she freaks out in the Fantasy Suite next week and bolts back to Charlotte.

And with that, we wrap up another episode of hometown dates. We’re down to the Final Three next week which means my favorite episode, The Women Tell All, is just around the corner. Can’t wait!

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Until next week…