Well, it was finally fun to watch The Bachelor again this week! I don’t know why moving the whole thing to Costa Rica made it better this week, but it did, didn’t it? I rarely found my interest wandering. Of course I think it helped not having a five-year-old screaming bloody murder in the other room this week too. Anyway…onward we go…
Most Overused Shot of the Night:
This had to be the shot of the ethereal, moody mist and steam swirling around the volcano as we went in and out of commercial breaks. They showed that shot at least four times. Each time they had to speed it up a bunch to make it look as though the volcano were going to explode at any moment in a torrent of poisonous gas and smoke. If you’ve been to Costa Rica before, you know there are two main volcanoes there. One of them lets off little puffs of steam every hour or so and the other is almost perpetually covered in mist and fog and you can almost never see the top. This was fake Costa Rican volcano at best.
Line of the Night That Invites the Most Smart-Ass Responses:
Brad: “I want to find love here! What better place than Costa Rica?”
Us: “Um…Paris? New York City? San Francisco? Rome? Any place where you don’t have sweat stains on your shirt in almost every shot and where the bugs don’t grow to be football-sized?”
“Why Exactly is This Back Again?” Award:
In true Indiana Jones fashion, the producers made sure we had a caricatured map to show us the flight pattern our young lovelies take to get from Vegas to Costa Rica. What would we do without this helpful visual to show us that Costa Rica is indeed south of Vegas?
“I Can be Just Like Former Bachelors!” Award:
TIE
Both of these, of course, go to Brad who seemed to be doing everything he could last night to imitate the moves of former bachelors.
1. First off, we got several shots of Brad pulling a “Messner” and leaning pensively against railings and staring out into nothingness as his voiceover wander off into thoughts like, “This is getting real,” and, “I’m ready for love.”
2. At several points in the show, Brad also pulls a “Roberto” and sweats through weird parts of his shirt. There are creepy, uneven sweat patches on his chest and stomach and one up on his shoulder at one point. Doesn’t this guy sweat from his pits like everyone else? Who knew Brad was a sweater? The poor guy is downright drenched in several scenes.
Irony of the Evening:
This goes to Michelle, who for the entire episode keeps spouting lines about other girls and why they aren’t right for Brad, but doesn’t realize that what she’s saying actually applies to herself.
Case in point…as she’s chatting with Emily about Chantal, Michelle says: “(Chantal is) really aggressive and really confident, almost like egotistical.” At another point after they have rappelled down the rock wall on the Group Date Michelle says, “Jackie, bless her heart, is dramatic…It was quite the production.”
Um, Miss Kettle? This is the pot. You’re black.
Best Thrill-Seeker Date of the Night:
Chantal O. definitely wins this one in a landslide. While she gets to whoop it up with Brad zip-lining through the rain forests, the Group Date this week is rappelling down a lame rock wall that the cameras catch at weird angles to make it look more dangerous than it really is. Not even Jackie’s screams or Michelle’s antics at the top could make up for the fact that the Group Date was just lame. Chantal and her breasts got to squeeze up against Brad, sail through the air, and then make an unplanned pit stop in his boudoir after a downpour ruined their picnic. Score one for the rabble-rouser!
“I’m Here Too!” Moment of the Night:
It’s made evident to us that both Alli and Britt have not had one-on-one dates with Brad thus far. As they anxiously await the next Date Card, we get lots of interviews with Alli telling us how she’s really wishing for that alone time. We have nothing from Britt. Not a word. Next Alli goes on and on about how happy it will make her to be alone with Brad. Still not a peep from Britt. Then there’s a knock on the door, the Date Card arrives, it’s for Alli, and still nothing from Britt. At this point in the show, I am sure Britt is going home. Why no reaction from her at all? Is she even there? She’s become the newest member of the invisible cast of this show. That’s what she gets for playing slutty on the bed during the Red Cross PSA shoot.
Best “Screw All Y’all!” Move of the Night:
This has to go to Chantal, who comes home from her date with Brad wearing his shirt. GASP! The girls are all atwitter as they realize the ramifications of this. She could have put on a hotel robe or had the producers bring her some clothes from the suitcase they made her pack, but no. She goes balls out and walks right in wearing his shirt. I loved Michelle’s reaction too: “Brad is NOT Chantal’s man! He is mine!” Who’s wearing his shirt, sweetie?
Funniest Mispronunciation of the Night:
This one is déjà vu all over again as Brad keeps pronouncing the work “rappel” as “repel” during the Group Date. Brad’s trying to lay on his best “I’m a seasoned rock climber” shtick with his “Grab a harness and a helmet” line, but he shows his true colors when he keeps telling everyone that they should act like the opposite ends of magnets to this sad rock wall that makes Jackie scream.
Later in this scene, Michelle gets all mad at Brad because they had made a pact that they were supposed to only “repel together”. Trust me, Michelle, you are doing just fine repelling all by yourself.
Line of the Night:
This, ironically, goes to the woman who we have heard from the least so far this season…Miss Britt. As Jackie kicks and screams her way down the least scary rock wall of all time, Britt tells us, “Jackie may have just soiled herself!” Since we know this chick ain’t winning anything on this show, she may be heartened to know that she could have a career in insult comedy. Paging Triumph?
Survivor Rip-Off of the Night:
Could it have been any more textbook Survivor to have all of those shots of the creepy-crawly critters of the Costa Rican jungle? Slimy, green lizard-y things. Millipede-looking things. Evil, green praying mantises. This episode had them all just so we could make sure that these folks aren’t really staying in a luxury resort that ABC has bought out completely to keep this all private. No, these folks are in the rainforest where things are DANGEROUS and WATCH YOU from the back of palm fronds and moist leaves.
Weirdest Bleep of the Night:
I didn’t catch which girl it was, but at the hot springs during the Group Date, one of them says, “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and BLEEP. I don’t know what else to say!” Is anyone else dying to know what word got bleeped? What could have been so sordid, so dirty for our ears?
Funniest Scene of the Night:
This goes to Brad and Alli, even though they weren’t technically together in this particular scene. During the Group Date, we cut back to the room where Alli and Chantal are hanging out. The producers make sure we get a shot of the gigantic beetle that they have on purpose placed on the table so the girls will see it as they walk near. Alli sees it and completely flips out and says she’s scared to death of bugs. Chantal, ever the sh** stirrer, catches the bug and then pretends to flick it onto Alli, who promptly screams bloody murder and flings her drink all over Chantal and the floor. We get the added fake sound effect of shattering glass even though no glass breaks on the floor.
Cut to Brad out at the natural hot springs, trying to woo the ladies. As he’s putting the moves on Michelle, we clearly can hear Alli’s scream back at the room after Chantal has pretended to throw the bug on her. Brad and Michelle both stop for a beat, shrug their shoulders, and go right back to their vapid conversation. Classic, and I laughed through every second.
Most Bummed to Discover Her Date Card Was Really a Double-Entendre:
Poor Alli. Her Date Card told her to meet Brad at the altar. She of course erroneously thought it had something to do with getting married. Little did she know that she had scored the dreaded creepy date of the season. Instead of walking down the aisle with her, Brad takes her to a 40 million-year-old cave full of bats and giant spiders and creepy Hitchcock music. Wait! You mean the girl who we just saw freak out about a giant bug has to go spelunking with Brad through Creepy Crawly Cave? Yup. That’s the facts for poor Alli. She somehow manages to muddle through and even fakes a kinda smile as they sit on the Altar – a natural rock formation in the cave that’s shaped in the form of a staircase (I don’t get what a staircase has to do with an altar, but I’ll just leave all of that to the Costa Ricans).
Did anyone else notice that the creepy blue light was illuminating the waterfall in this cave? Those producers can work wonders, huh?
“Sucks to be You!” Award:
Our winner this week is Alli. Even though we think she’s been sweet and personable throughout the season, we all of a sudden see that she’s the girl who’s been cast and edited to have zero personality. We hear stilted conversation at dinner, see awkward eyes looking everywhere except at each other, and feel Brad pretending like he wants to get to know her better when what he really wants is to see what Alli will do if he flicks a giant beetle on her.
Alli makes dumping her all the more awkward by telling Brad that her exes all were nice guys, and all had a lot to offer, but she just didn’t want any of it for herself. Cut to sad music since Brad is thinking the same thing about Alli. He tells her she’s attractive (kiss of death) and tells her he can see them hanging out every day, but not falling in love (and she’s OUTTA there!) Some creepy guy comes to the room to take her suitcase, the girls all ooh and ahh, and she gets an interview in the back of a very bouncy car.
“Have You Never SEEN This Show Before?” Award:
This goes to all of the girls once they find out that Michelle went on her own to hang out with Brad. This has been done so much that it’s already a Bachelor cliché. Who can forget Justin “Rated R” on Ali’s season who was chauffeured to Alli’s place by the producers and told to talk to her walked the back roads of Malibu for hours, wandering helplessly trying to find Ali’s place while on crutches? All the guys freaked out then. How did not one of these girls not see that episode? Why are they all so hurt and shocked now? Mostly because they didn’t think of it first and/or have the guts to do it themselves, methinks.
Most Deluded:
Michelle, as she counts on Brad’s fingers the order each girl should be sent home. Later, when she knows the whole group has figured out that she went and visited Brad on her own, she walks into the room with a fake, chirpy, “Hi friends!” when she knows everyone is going to hate her. Nuff said…
First “I Love You” of the Season:
Chantal O. professes her love for Brad and with her huge, dangly earrings of death makes sure that he knows that she really is falling for him. She pushes her boobs together and actually says the words, “I love you” to him. Back home her parents are so proud that their daughter’s breasts have emotions and feelings.
Most Bummed Cast Member:
Mr. Lame-o British Shrink got no airtime this week. What happened? Is Brad cured? Did the producers not want to fork over for the long distance from Costa Rica to his backyard where he sits staring aimlessly into space? Enquiring minds want to know.
So in a surprise move, Brad dumps Jackie even though the producers had set up Britt to be the one to take the Limo Ride of Shame. We liked Jackie because she reminded us of Lea Michelle of Glee fame and Idina Menzell of Taye Diggs fame (yum). But we knew she had no shot, and so we bid her a fond farewell.
In the previews for next week we see they are going to Anguila, which I guarantee not one cast member could have placed on a map before they went there. Of course that doesn’t stop them all from shouting out, “Anguila, BABY!” at every chance they get like drunken sorority girls out for a good time during Spring Break.
The closing credits are pretty funny. Chantal O. has just come back from her date with Brad and the girls’ interactions are interspersed with some funny shots of a praying mantis-type thing busily staring at them. You know this shot was taken at the LA Zoo and edited in later, but the effect is good nonetheless. Of course, the producers throw the poor bug into the group as close to Alli as they can to make it look like it just hopped in there by itself, and of course Alli freaks out, screams, and clocks Britt in the side. Crazy Dentist Ashley next thinks that the bug has gone down her shirt, but everyone pulls a knowing face as she determines that it’s just her microphone making it’s way down her cleavage and not a creepy crawly. All is again right with the world. Phew.
You know the drill. Like us on Facebook at After the Rose! Catch you next week. “Woo-freakin’-HOO! Anguila, BABY!”
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