Zzzzzzzz......

So is this season slowly draining itself down the old crapper, or what? Usually while I watch this show I have to pause several times so my typing fingers can keep up with all of the fun one-liners and action happening on the screen, but that was most definitely not happening last night. These ladies are boring me to tears, and no amount of Michelle is changing that. And if she’s the most interesting part of this season, what will happen when Brad eventually dumps her? I honestly have hit the point of “I just don’t care anymore”, but I know I have you loyal readers to consider, and so I soldier on. At least when things are boring I can just stare at Brad’s amazing arms, right?

This episode was especially tough to write about since my five-year-old was having meltdown after meltdown over nightmares while I was trying to watch. This is most definitely a show I do NOT want her watching, so every time she traipsed into the TV room dragging her little blankie behind her, I had to hit the pause button until she was safely back in bed. The things parents do for their kids…

Onward with the awards…

Recycled Idea of the Night:

Two words: Vegas, baby! Every season the guys and girls on this show seem to end up in Vegas. Last season Dave and two girls got their own private pool party (remember Natalie doing ballet on the chaise lounges while the other girl was trying to get one-on-one time with Dave? Classic! Why are there no moments like that THIS time?) And remember that Jason famously dumped Natalie in Vegas after she showed him how shallow and self-absorbed she really was? Vegas is getting tired on this show.

This season finds the girls at the Aria Hotel. We know this because not only do we have shots of the façade with its name every time we fade in and out from commercials, but we also get actual commercials for the Aria in between segments. The suite the girls get to crash in is totally swanked out. But I’m getting bored with Vegas. It’s too easy.

Largest Piece of Jewelry:

I will sing you the “Told you so!” song again. The amount of over-sized jewelry and accessories this season is mind-blowing. I think Michelle wins the award for most over-the-top stuff. Whether it’s that giant ring covering four of her fingers, or all that metallic crap she had strewn around her neck at the final cocktail party, she wears it BIG and she wears A LOT of it.

“We Know You’re Out Tonight” Award:

This of course goes to Marisa and Lisa. Both girls have said a total of about three words between them on screen this entire season, and all of a sudden in this episode we get several interviews with both. This is always the kiss of death on this show. Fade into the background, no airtime, then suddenly front and center? You’re a goner for sure. I could have told them both this at the start of the episode and saved Marisa from wearing that stupid tiara thing in her hair during the last cocktail party, right?

Separated at Birth Award:

Was I the only one last night who REALLY thought that “I touch dead people” Shawntel could be a “dead” ringer for Ali from last season if she dyed her hair? It started getting eerie! Same facial expressions, same smile. Shawntel can rock the party dresses WAY better than ol’ Ali, though, but these two could definitely be related.

Fakest “We’re So Happy for You!” Group Support:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to the girls after they see Shawntel walk back into the hotel suite holding gigantoid bags from every major European designer imaginable. They all tell her how lucky she is as they secretly stare daggers at her and at each other over how much loot she scored. I can just picture Dentist Ashley’s t-shirt made especially for her when she arrives home from this while experience: “I went on The Bachelor and all I got was a ride on a lousy Ferris wheel!” The disparity in money spent on these dates is pretty funny and I love how it makes it look like Brad is favoring some girls over others. It’s fun to watch the girls fake tell Shawntel that she looks pretty in her new, expensive dress and pretend to fawn over all of the big bags when what they really want to do is heave it all out of the window.

2. The second award goes to all of the girls as they watch all of the times Brad pulls Emily aside during this episode. This girl got so much one-on-one time with Brad that she may as well ask for the ring now, right? Even though she was technically on the group date, it was great fun to watch all the girls pretend to feel happy/sorry for her in front of her face, but then rail behind her back about how they felt like they were on a date that was just supposed to be for her and Brad.

Most Disappointed Bachelorette of the Evening:

This goes to Shawntel, who had to be crushed that when her Date Card said, “Let’s end tonight with a bang!” it meant she was watching fireworks from the roof and not getting to be the first girl to check out Brad’s junk close up.

Worst Dinner Conversation Topic Ever Award:

Shawntel, Shawntel, Shawntel…word to the wise. We get what you do for a living. And we get Brad asked you about it. But dear lord, please please PLEASE do not use the words like “leakage”, “orifices”. “vein drain”, or “replace blood” while you are sitting on the roof of a mall with a handsome stud. You might as well have thrown in the words “moist” or “coagulate” just to really make sure Brad heaved up his whole dinner. I was gagging listening to her and I wasn’t even eating. Poor Brad. It must not have scarred him too badly, though, since he ended up giving Shawntel the rose AND telling her that she’s “…the hottest funeral director I’ve ever met!” like there has been more than one.

Most Clued-Out About World Events Award:

Apparently this show was all filmed way before the unrest in Egypt. How else to explain the constant shots of the pyramid and Sphinx in front of the Luxor? Very odd to see this and then see cut-ins for the news about what was going on in the Middle East. They couldn’t have substituted some footage from Circus Circus instead? Was it THAT hard to do? This all seemed in bad taste…

“LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUMMMBBBBBLLLLLLLE!” Award:

Once all of the names of girls going on the group date are read, it becomes immediately apparent that it’s going to be “Singing with Seal” Ashley versus “Crazy Dentist” Ashley on the dreaded two-on-one date. Of course, the drama is heightened as we find out that they are actually best friends on the show, so they are overtly rooting for the other one, but secretly hoping the other one OD’s in the bathtub too. In the least shocking moment of the night, Michelle tells us that she doesn’t care which one goes home. Alert the media.

So now it’s on. Ashley versus Ashley in a Bachelor smackdown to beat all smackdowns. At this point in the evening, I’m hoping that one of them will at least pull out the extensions of the other on top of the table while Brad’s trying to cut his filet mignon. ANYTHING to break up these dreary doldrums…

“Meanest Date of the Show” Award:

Poor Emily. Not only did she lose her racecar-driving fiancé in a plane crash AND end up pregnant with his daughter AND have to tell the story over and over again on this show so she can be set up to be the next bachelorette, but she also gets selected to go on the group date to a RACETRACK. And of course this isn’t just any ol’ racetrack. It’s the exact same racetrack where her fiancé crashed and ended his racing career. AND of course she’s never been behind the wheel of a racecar because her fiancé always drove her and made her feel safe and secure.

But don’t worry about her, y’all. She’s fine and dandy. She can put on a brave face and buck up under the worst of circumstances. That’s what Southern girls do, y’all.

C’mon, producers. What were you thinking here? First you make her fly in a little jet on her first date with Brad, and now you make her haul out to the same racetrack where her fiancé CRASHED?! I love laughing at the drama on this show, but this was all too over-the-top even for me. Mean mean mean (but watchable watchable watchable…)

Most Shocking Word Uttered on the Show:

This goes to Brad when he tells us one of the girls has “tenacity”. Woah, Big Guy. Back down from those high-falutin’ SAT words. You’re a hot guy from Texas. You have an image to uphold now. You can’t go ‘round throwin’ out those polysyllabic words without it coming back to hit you in the nugs one of these days. You’ve been warned.

Best Sign You’re in the Running to Be At Least Top Three on This Show:

We discovered last night that Brad already is calling Emily “Em”. This is a great sign that she’s here to stay for a long while. Why give someone a nickname if you’re not feeling close to her? Maybe it was worth it after all to endure the bad memories, huh?

Best Play of the “Use Tears to Get What You Want” Gambit:

This goes to “I’d like to buy an ‘E”” Alli, who during her alone time with Brad on the Group Date breaks down and tells him, “It’s hard to feel special” with so many girls vying for the prize. This makes her stand out and so during the final cocktail party Brad of course has to make a point of making her feel special by bringing up some champagne and a mini chocolate cake, complete with green frosting to match the dress she wore the night they first met. Gag…

Yeah, like Brad really remembers the color of her dress that night when he’s still got the image of Kickin’ Keltie’s panties emblazoned on his irises. You just know some poor intern on the show had to parse through hours and hours of footage before he found the color of dress and then had to go to the bakery to make sure they matched the frosting with the right shade of green. Brad had nothing to do with any of this, right?

Dueling Mini Dresses Award:

This goes to the Ashleys as they walk out of their suite and through the lobby of the hotel to meet Brad for their date. They looked like a TV ad for Ross. Both of them had on what was essentially the exact same dress, just cut and styled a bit differently. I say “Singing with Seal” Ashley rocked it harder, though. Hers just seemed to fit better and fiercer. What do YOU think?

“I Know I’ve Lost Already Before the Date Has Even Really Begun” Award:

This goes to “Singing with Seal” Ashley, who, when she sees that their date will be a competition to see who can spin around up high and be all bendy in the air the best, tells Brad, “My body doesn’t move like that!” and then becomes the saddest sack ever as she realizes that there’s no way she’s sticking around tonight. Did she smile once after she saw the rehearsal? I think not since she knew the writing was on the wall. She even goes off about how on this date she’s not really competing against Crazy Dentist Ashley. She’s competing “against my own demons” whatever those are. Girl, you need to have self-confidence going in, or it’s gonna sting on your way out. Your Cirque is about to get Soleil’ed…

Harshest Dump Line:

This goes to Brad as he tells Ashley that she will make a great wife, but just not for him. Ouch. That pretty much says it like it is, huh Ash?

Best “Pouring Salt into Your Wounds to Make Sure They Hurt Even More” Award:

As if it weren’t bad enough that “Singing with Seal” Ashley gets dumped because she isn’t whirly-twirly enough in Cirque du Soleil, how harsh do you think it was for her to watch the other scenes last night involving her? As she’s breaking down in the back of the limo weeping about how she’ll never find true love, we see shots of Crazy Dentist Ashley and Brad twirling to Elvis music. And the clincher? They of course are twirling to Are You Lonesome Tonight? which “Singing with Seal” Ashley obviously will be. Loved the juxtaposition there. Also loved the shot of the burly guy (why do these guys always have to be burly?) taking away her luggage while the girls all gasp.

It must have really sucked to be “Singing with Seal” Ashley watching that all play out last night at home after the fact. Good luck, “Singing with Seal”. Hopefully Mr. Right is out there somewhere.

Person About Which I Care the Least This Season:

Yuck. Brad’s shrink just rubs me the wrong way. How much do you think he’s getting paid for all of his lame advice? All the while Brad spews his stupid psychological mumbo-jumbo, the psychiatrist is staring off into space out in his backyard somewhere daydreaming about all the cash getting transferred into his bank account since he agreed to do this whole train wreck in the first place. (Side note: Did anyone else keep count and then start laughing out loud at how many times Brad answered, “Yes,” or, “I completely understand,” to this guy? I mean, I’m glad Brad’s off the tenacity train finally, but his answers sunk to a new low of vapidness, even for this show!)

“It’s Time to Get This Girl Home NOW!” Award:

What was up with Michelle at the cocktail party? She basically kidnaps Brad away and then forces him to sit in a chair and listen to her rant about (what else?) how she’s more mature and the other ladies are girls, all the while maintaining super creepy too-close eye contact with him. She doesn’t even allow Brad to speak while she tells him she’s different from the other girls and that she thinks he should go back out there and “…send some girls home now” in her best bossy lady voice. How does he not see what we see? My guess is he does, but that she’s the only quasi-interesting personality left on this season, so the producers are forcing him to keep her until they REALLY get desperate. We haven’t even met her kid yet. Brad won’t dump her until after that date, right?

“Sucks to Be You!” Award:

This goes to both “Stupid Tiara in My Hair That’s Really Just Holding My Hair Back” Marisa and Lisa (who?). While “Singing with Seal” Ashley got dumped and got to sob her troubles  away in a swanky limo, these two girls only get taxi cabs. And Marisa…get ready for it…actually has to get shuttled away in a JEEP taxi! Obviously this show plays favorites, and obviously neither of these two was the favorite this season. Sucks to be you, girls. Do you think they had to pay their own fares?

Most Overly Melodramatic Line of the Evening:

Lisa (who?) after she’s been dumped tells us, “This just makes me question EVERYthing!” Really, Lisa (who?)? Everything? So you’re saying that your entire life, your entire identity was created around falling in love and getting married to this guy? Maybe that’s a really good sign that it’s time to re-evaluate your life. I’ve heard about this great shrink in LA. He shows too much chest hair and stares weirdly into space as you spew mumbo-jumbo, but I hear he comes highly recommended by hot guys from Texas.

“Ah…That Explains A LOT!” Award:

This goes to “Singing with Seal” Ashley who in the credits at the end of the show is shown trying to stuff a gigantic teddy bear into her luggage as she tries to pack for Vegas. She actually talks to him. You have to go back and watch it if you didn’t stick around long enough to see it. C’mon, “Singing with Seal”…you have one hour to pack and THAT’S what you choose to try to fit into your luggage? Next time you might also want to leave room for self-esteem, strategy, and maturity. And didn’t you love Alli’s response when the Ashleys asked her if they should bring the bear? Her look said it all. “Are these chicks f***ing KIDDING me here?”

Hype That We Are Already Sick of Award:

How many times could Chris Harrison tell us that this is “the most controversial season of The Bachelor EVER!” during the previews for coming weeks? Um, Chris? I’m pretty sure the most controversial part of this season was that Brad was getting a second chance, and I’m pretty sure we all know he was coming back like, um, around Thanksgiving, if not earlier. So you can cut out all this “Most controversial EVER!” crap cuz we’re not buying it for one second. This could go down as the single most boring season ever, and there’s no amount of huffing and puffing  and smoke and mirrors that you’re going to be able to use to make us think otherwise.

Is it horrible that I hope someone’s zip line breaks in Costa Rica and they fall to their deaths? Or that Brad dumps Michelle because he hates her little kid or SOMETHING ANYTHING to give this season some pizzazz? Is it too much to ask to actually be entertained through all of this train wreck TV?

And so with that, I say goodbye for this week. Come on over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose. You can let us know what you thought about last night’s episode there or in the comments section here. Catch you next time!