Wow…tonight’s episode was just awesome, wasn’t it? Chock-full of painful singing, infectious diseases, and guarded and protected hearts, it delivered even more than the previews had promised! Let’s get into all of the gory details, shall we?
The Guys Leave the Mansion, or “Hit the Road Jack(s)”
Chris Harrison meets the guys yet again in their living room to supposedly tell them about what to expect for dates this week. Right off the bat, I notice that Weather Guy has no shirt on and has a big pillow mashed down into his crotch. What is that all about? Did the other guys steal his clothes right before they taped this scene? Apparently he forgot to check the forecast for stormy with a chance of bad singing and dumping on national TV. Dude, put the shirt back on. You’re not impressing anyone.
Chris asks the guys how far they would travel to fall in love, and then lets them know that they will be leaving the house…wait for it…”forever!” (insert pregnant pause here) The guys look faux concerned for a second, but then are told that they will be traveling the world with Ali so she can find that one special guy out of the group. The guys’ first destination? New York City. Chris L. from Massachusetts is psyched because he used to live there and considers it his home turf. We kinda yawn since guys flying from one coast to the other hardly qualifies as “traveling around the world”.
We get lots of stock footage of New York City with the Frank Sinatra “New York, New York”-style music playing. We see the Statue of Liberty, the Manhattan skyline, and the hustle and bustle of the busy streets. Then we see Ali walking down the street clutching a cup of hot coffee and bundled up against the cold. Remember that this show was shot back in November. Springtime in New York it ain’t! She looks frozen.
For those of us who don’t quite get how one might travel from the West Coast to the East Coast of the United States, the producers show us a cartoonish map of the U.S. and show a little jet plane leaving L.A. and flying over the country to New York. Oh really? THAT’S how you get to New York from L.A.?! I had no idea. Thank you for clarifying that.
Apparently the Andaz Hotel in New York drew the short straw and gets to be featured all throughout this episode. Ali heads there and is excited to be getting a fashion makeover for all of her New York dates. She meets the first gay guy of the night, Hal Rubenstein, who apparently is a fashion director at InStyle Magazine and wears thumb rings. We REALLY know he’s gay when he tells Ali that they are “…going to do some try-ons”. Really? “Try-ons?” Who says that? Apparently the fashion industry is not immune from changing verbs into nouns. And as I am typing this, Microsoft Word is underlining the word “try-ons” in red, so you KNOW it’s not a real word.
Hal shows her all sorts of things that he gets all gushy about (“Oooo…This will really pop!”) and I realize that all of Ali’s clothes have basically already been selected for her. He’s just showing her what the producers are going to force her to wear. I don’t see Ali actually choosing anything for herself.
For her part, Ali tells us that she’s not very comfortable getting all dressed up. She’d rather wear jeans, a big t-shirt, and sneakers, but she realizes “that won’t cut it in New York City.” Ironically, it’s when she’s wearing these more casual clothes that I think she’s looked her best this season. All of the girlie, fancy stuff hasn’t been working for her so far. I don’t have high hopes for her tonight in the fashion department (especially after seeing what Hal is holding up!)
Ali goes for a mini makeover, and takes the time to tell the hair and make-up people all the details about the guys she has left. And just to set the record straight – there is no way those hair and make-up people work for the Andaz Hotel. They have to be ABC employees. The producers wouldn’t let Ali just blab about who is left of the guys so those people can go tell everyone else and ruin the surprises of the show. Those makeover people were probably the same people who do Ali’s hair and make-up every day on the show. Creative filming and casting there.
We see the guys packing up their stuff and heading out to the airport for their flight to New York. Once at the airport, the producers apparently suffer from a lack of judgment and give the guys their own video cameras. All we get are shots of them all doing fists pumps and saying, “New York, baby!” and high-fiving. Lame.
While she’s in the chair getting everything done, she says that Kirk “…is so amazing!” and that she is “smitten” with Roberto. She is still pronouncing his name “row-BUR-toe” instead of “row-BAIR-toe” which worries me a bit. She says that Chris L. from MA is “…a really funny guy,” and that Frank “is the funniest guy I’ve ever met in my life!” Cut to a shot of Frank on the airplane to New York putting his finger annoyingly under the nose of a fellow Bachelor who’s trying to sleep. Yeah, laugh a minute that Frank. Har har.
Lastly, Ali tells the makeover folks that Kasey is “…gonna guard and protect my heart.” I was annoyed to hear that line come up again, but little did I know what a centerpiece of the whole episode it was going to be. More on that later.
After her makeover, Ali tries on all of the clothes she’s being forced to wear and heads out for various photo shoots. The gay guy shows her all of the shots they have taken and Ali squeals with delight. Then he lays the best news of all on her – Ali’s shots are going to be in the July edition of InStyle Magazine! Gasp! Isn’t that a coincidence that she’s shooting all of these photos in November, but they won’t appear until the July issue when The Bachelorette will actually be airing on ABC? I mean, what are the odds?! The gay guy really rubs Ali’s nose in it when he shows her that A-list Cameron Diaz will grace the cover of that particular issue, not D-list Ali. Ouch. Does anyone get InStyle? Let me know what you think of our girl’s shots!
The guys move into their new digs 35 stories up in the Andaz Hotel, and it looks pretty swanky with sweeping views and tasteful decoration. The first Date Card arrives and it’s for Kasey. “Let’s do what comes natural,” it says and all the guys start whooping and hollering like Raider fans. Because, you see, the guys think what comes natural is having sex and that Ali wants to have sex with Kasey. Because “do what comes natural” couldn’t have a double-meaning, right guys?
Kirk is bummed he’s not getting this one-on-one time with Ali, but Weather Guy (who, let’s face it, has had both testicles totally shrink up and bury themselves inside his body at this point) tells us, “I’m jealous, as usual.” This guy has become the ultimate sad sack. Everything he says is, “I missed my opportunity! I blew it! I’m not good enough! I’m an idiot! I don’t look good in a Speedo!” Enough already!
Kasey sets off all sorts of warning lights for us when he says that during his time with Ali he wants to, “…emphasize the unrealized potential that I know is there.’ Huh? You’re not planning on getting to know her? Asking her about herself? Making her feel special? Gee, that’s a great plan, Kasey. It’s worked so well for countless guys in the past. Good luck with that one.
Ali arrives and Kasey immediately jumps up to hug her. I notice something really odd about his hands. His fingers are completely pale white, but the backs of his hands look like they are almost sun-burned red. How did he manage THAT?! How does one burn their hands, but not their fingers? Maybe he fell asleep in the sun with his arms crossed across his chest and his fingers tucked into his armpits? Very odd.
Now we get Kasey gushing on and on about Ali. He tells us that he calls Ali “imaginary” because “…you can’t really fantasize how good that girl looks.” Oh…OK. That clears that up for us, Kasey. Thanks. He also tells us that he has “…mixed emotions running through (his) mind and body right now.” Ew, Kasey. You had to say the part about the body too? Thanks for the visual.
Next we get some funny scenes where the guys all agree that Kasey is way more into Ali than Ali is into him. Chris L. scores the first zinger of the night when he describes what Kasey is feeling for Ali is like doves flying, Cupid shooting arrows, and running toward each other in a meadow with unicorns. “This is not unicorn love,” he smirks, and we like him even more now. He can see past all the crap that Kasey is spewing.
Ali and Kasey find themselves at a heliport. A helicopter swoops in, Kasey whoops, and they take off for a flight over the City. We see some beautiful shots of the skyscrapers and all of the people down below who look like ants. I notice the helicopter doesn’t even have any doors, and I wonder why the producers aren’t showing Ali freaking out about heights again. Is she all of a sudden cured? Last week with “Row-bur-toe” she was clutching at him and squealing and squirming around uncomfortably in her backwards helicopter seat. Today? Nuttin’. I guess Kasey doesn’t inspire those feeling of manliness and security for her.
One other thing I notice is that the producers should have filmed this whole episode a month or two earlier. As the helicopter flies in over Central Park, it all looks dead. There is absolutely no fall foliage color anywhere.
Next we get Kasey hopping the train to Crazyville (you know…Crazyville…just a hop, skip, and a jump from Farmville, right?) when he describes Ali as a girl who was in a cocoon when she was on Jake’s series, but has now “expanded out” into a butterfly and is now trying to find true love. “This is where a new love story begins. We just have to make it happen. This is my future wife.” Barf barf barf. Enough of this guy already. I can’t stand him and his weird voice.
We already have Kasey squarely in the “He’s nuts!’ category, but he goes and ratchets things up even more at sunset. The two of them are having a picnic somewhere that looks dark and cold, and Kasey tells us, “It’s my moment…” and decides to bust out his mad singing skills by serenading Ali with a little ditty he’s made up on the spot. I guess he sees how all of the ladies swoon for the singers on this show, so Kasey dives in head-first.
Sadly for Kasey, though, those other guys can actually sing. He, on the other hand, has been blessed with a winning smile, a name that everyone will misspell, and a voice that somehow doesn’t sound like it’s coming from his throat. Making up his own tune and performing it well are not among his many blessings.
I was going to rewind the DVR so I could copy down the lyrics that he actually sang, but this whole part is just so incredibly uncomfortable to watch, I couldn’t bear to do it. His voice just has to be heard to be believed. Simply awful. American Idol audition material for sure. I can just see Paula clapping her hands with her fingernails extended out so they don’t break on each other and telling him, “I like you! You’re cute!” Oh, wait. Paula’s not on there any more. Then I picture Simon saying, “If I’m being honest, that was the worst singing I have ever heard. It wasn’t even singing. It was more like atonal noises coming from behind your nose. How do you even MAKE that sound, you freak? And why are your fingers all white, but the backs of your hands are sunburned red? Get off my stage…” You get the idea.
Suffice it to say that Kasey is just a really horrible singer and lyricist. At one point Kasey rhymes “pretty” with “city” Ali’s looks during all of this are priceless. She looks at him with a fixed half smile on her face as if to say, “Is this guy for real? And I have to sit here out in the cold and pretend to listen to it like I’m actually interested and being entertained?” She almost starts to look angry at one point.
“Yeah…that’s pretty intense stuff!” Kasey says when he is done. Ali looks like she’s about to panic and says nothing. We get the fake sound of squawking seagulls (at night?!) and we fade to commercial. Classic Bachelorette stuff! Lovin’ it!
We come back and Ali and Kasey are heading into the American Museum of Natural History (Get it? They are doing what comes “natural”? Stick with me, folks…) I notice as they get out of the taxicab that Kasey is no longer wearing the hooded jacket he’s had on so far during the date. Did he leave it in the taxi? He’s not carrying it. Where did it go?
Next we get a stupid montage of Ali and Kasey alone in the big, scary, dinosaur bone-filled museum with nothing to protect them but two battery-operated lanterns and two flashlights. It’s all very Scooby Doo Meets the Mummy. They play their lights on all the dinos and skeletons and it’s supposed to be creepy. At one point Kasey yells “Boo!” in Ali’s ear and makes her jump, and I think he’s lucky she didn’t give him the ol’ “lantern to the groin” move for that.
Next Kasey makes gorilla sounds and pretends like he can understand what the stuffed gorilla in the display is saying to them. “He said you’re cute!” We get deafening silence from Ali when what she’s really thinking is, “Please don’t let this be the guy the producers make me keep around this week for the craziness factor. I can only take so much and I have Crazy Frank and Crazy Weather Guy waiting for me back at the hotel.”
(And speaking of crazy guys back at the hotel, we next get a scene of Roberto, Jessie, Craig, Kirk, Weather Guy, Frank, and Ty all getting the news that they have been selected for the Group Date. “Let’s play!” the Date Card says, and the chosen guys all get in a big bear-hug huddle, jump up and down and repeat, “Let’s play! Let’s play!” like that line makes them really excited. The people down on the 34th floor call hotel management about the noise on their ceiling, I imagine.)
Ali and Kasey have an oh-so-awkward dinner underneath a giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling. I’m not sure what the symbolism of this is supposed to be. Thoughts?
Kasey begins a monologue of craziness that just goes on and on. Some highlights: “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted because you make me happy. I can honestly say at this point I choose to be here for you. I choose you. And I hope that some day you can choose me.” Ali takes all of this in with that same glazed-over, deer-in-the-the-headlights, please just kill me now expression she had while he was singing to her. She looks down a lot now and at times looks like she’s trying not to laugh. Kasey’s trying way too hard. Everyone knows it but Kasey, poor guy.
I wish I had started keeping count, but by this point Kasey’s “guard and protect” count is well past ten already. A few people have suggested it become a new drinking game. Every time someone says, “guard and protect” on this show, you have to take a shot. Fortunately for all of you, I don’t drink alcohol. Can you imagine how much longer this blog post would be if I did? You all let me know how the drinking game goes next time, m’k?
Just as we are hoping this date is about to wind down, Kasey comes out of left field and starts to sing again! Um, Kasey, when she didn’t gush and fawn over your singing abilities the first time, ya think that maybe that was a hint that you suck and were making her uncomfortable? How did you not pick up on that when the millions of people watching saw it within the first few seconds? In this newest song, Kasey tries to rhyme “thorns” with “yours”. Nuh-uh, Kasey. Not happening. Looks like Kasey “may see” the Walk of Shame tonight. (Didja see that? I can rhyme too! Maybe I SHOULD try out for this show!)
After his song is done, he taps the last nail into the coffin by telling her, “You inspire me!” Ali finally calls him out on all the lines and all the bad rhyming and tells him it feels forced and fake and that she wants to get to know the “real” Kasey. He’s dorky and fun at times, and that’s the Kasey she wants. Unfortunately for both of them, I tend to think that the forced, bad rhyming Kasey is the “real” Kasey, and that the dorky, fun Kasey was the part he was putting on.
She tells him that she can’t give him the rose yet, but that she’s going to keep him around anyway. We get a GREAT shot of him, totally expressionless with incredulity while a fake wind sound effect plays even though they are indoors. Loving the added sound effects this season!
He’s crushed and wells up in the interview. “I want her to fall in love with me. I want someone to protect and guard MY heart! Is that too much to ask?” I seriously am going to tear out my own eyes if anyone says, “protect" and/or "guard” again. Seriously.
Group Date, or “Can You Feel Me Up Tonight?”
So it’s time for the group date. The lucky guys are in Times Square where they are supposed to meet Ali. They aren’t sure where to look for her in all of the hustle and bustle, though, until one guy looks up and sees her on a giant TV screen. She’s blowing kisses at them and moving around all lovey-dovey suggestively (looking really uncomfortable, by the way). There are even digital hearts blowing out of her mouth. Some hint scrolling underneath makes them turn around, and there’s Ali across the street waving from a window that is underneath a giant billboard for The Lion King. I don’t know New York at all. Is that really where the theater is? It seemed weird.
The guys race across the street and into the theater. Weather Guy makes it to her first and scores the first hug and he’s SO happy. Then he gets taken down a notch when Ali announces that she’s feeling under the weather today. She seems OK and she’s wearing black clothes, so I’m guessing it’s a “female issue”. The guys must think the same thing since none of them asks her what’s wrong. They are all smart enough to know better!
They walk into the theater and actors are singing Can You Feel the Love Tonight? on the stage. We get introduced to Gay Guy Number Two tonight. His name is Thomas Schumacher and he raises his eyebrows all over the place behind his lavender-colored, rectangular eyeglasses. He tells the guys that, “Ali is a big theater fan,” and I wonder how he knows that if they just met. He tells the guys that Gay Guy and Ali are going to watch from the audience while the guys perform and whoever does the best gets a one-on-one date with Ali.
First, the guys change into black Spandex shorts that sadly do a very good job of keeping all their junk packed in. Everyone looks like Pixilated Craig in his Speedo tonight. A choreographer puts the guys through some moves. Some look OK, some look painful, and others look downright stupid. Funniest part of this scene: watching the Gay Guy do his best Tim Gunn impersonation and comment on it all. “”HE’S got it. Oh..he lost it. Has Roberto ever danced before?” It’s classic pissy gay guy stuff. Awesome.
Next, Gay Guy tells them that they will have to sing as well. Ty thinks he has an advantage since he’s already a country singer.
Weather Guy starts off with the singing auditions, and he’s even worse than I thought he would be. Frank is not much better. The two of them should form a group with Kasey and call themselves The Tone-Defs (Get it? Cuz “def” means cool, but it also sounds like the word “deaf?”) Anyway, Ty takes his turn and isn’t horrible, but isn’t anywhere near as good as we thought he’d be given his prior singing experience.
Jessie steps up and…what is this? This guy can actually sing! Wow. I’m kinda floored. He’s a totally hot guy, and he’s got a voice to back it all up. Go Jessie! Roberto watches, bummed that Jessie is doing so well.
When it’s his turn to sing, Roberto gets the brilliant idea to sing the song looking directly at Ali, and not at the accompanist like everyone else did. He’s not the best voice by far, but Ali gives him a huge hug when he’s done. Cut to a shot of Frank, arms crossed, pushing out his biceps like we saw Roberto do last week. Kirk tells us he’s bummed he didn’t think of that “look at the person you’re supposed to impress” move first.
Gay Guy gathers them all together and goes on and on about how they wanted to select the winner by how much “courage and truth” they had coming through. Like you could have seen courage and truth in the ten-second auditions everyone did.
Of course she chooses Roberto. And of course they find out that Ali and Roberto will get to actually be in the actual show together tonight. The other guys slap their heads like they coulda had a V-8 and Weather Guy says, “Stupid me. I didn’t even sing to her. Schmuck. Schmuck.” Cue Weather Guy’s downward spiral tonight.
Ali and Roberto rehearse what they’ll be doing, and in one of the more uncomfortable moments of the episode the other guys are forced to sit in the front rows and watch it all play out. Roberto comes out in basically a loincloth and shows off his hot baseball player bod. Lovin’ the chest on this guy! Both of them are hooked up to wires and practice some basic aerial moves for the show. All the while the other guys not chosen have to sit there forlornly and say things like, “He’s putting his HEAD in her CLEAVAGE!” incredulously, as if they wouldn’t be doing the exact same thing had they been The Chosen One.
Frank is especially nutso right now. He tells us that watching this is going to kill him and that he has to pull himself together. Weather Guy tells us, “Out of the blue this storm just like crapped in my face. I need a shower,” and I’m not sure what falls out of the sky in Texas where he’s from, but that might explain George Bush.
Now it’s nighttime and the audience is coming in to watch The Lion King. We get nervous backstage shots of Ali and Roberto who still can’t believe what they are about to do. One funny thing I notice during these shots is that Ali has a phony-looking, cardboard gold star taped up to what is supposedly her dressing room door. Where did the producers buy that? Diddams Party Store? What’s funnier is that apparently Roberto gets no dressing room. We never see HIS name on a gold star, right? What gives?
They perform their part up in the air while the guys not chosen are relegated out to the lobby. This part seemed staged and fishy. How are they just sitting in the middle of the lobby for The Lion King and there’s no one else there? They are supposedly watching Ali and Roberto, but you can tell that the producers have told them to watch a blank screen and then have superimposed their own footage onto it in editing afterwards. Did you notice how many close-ups there were on Ali and Roberto? Why would the people in the theater be showing that? They would show the stage in its entirety. They wouldn’t focus on two nothing walk-ons who are in the show for 15 seconds.
As the guys watch, knife metaphors and similes begin with the crazies. Frank says, “Just twist the knife, thank you,” as Roberto lays into Ali’s boobs. Then Weather Guy says watching the two of them was like “a beehive of knives in your face”. What exactly is a beehive of knives? What does that even MEAN? Keep knives away from these two guys. Paging Norman Bates...
Next we cut to the nighttime part of the group date in the bar of a swanky hotel. Kirk says tensions are high since most of them didn’t get any time alone with Ali today – only Roberto did. The guys are worried that Ali is going to end the night early since she’s sick. As she leaves for the first one-on-one time with Frank, she leaves a trail of pathetic coughs behind her, so now we know Ali isn’t suffering from her monthly visitor. It’s just a cold.
Ali does what any responsible person who cares about their health when they are sick would do and brings Frank outside into a blowing rainstorm. Her umbrella gets blown inside out, he laughs at that, they make out on what looks like a dock, and I get all creeped out thinking of all the germs Ali is now passing to Frank’s mouth.
Ali’s worried that Frank’s interest is fading so she tells him that she wants him to be “crazy about (me)” This brightens him up a bit. So much so that he doesn’t even care that Ali is Typhoid Mary right now. “I want what you have. Just give it to me!”
(And back in the hotel, the fake doorbell rings with the next Date Card delivery. We find out it’s Chris L’s birthday (“Wicked awesome!”) so of course he’s getting the final date of the night. I suddenly realize that there’s a Background Guy still there who literally has not said one word tonight. Why is he even still there? The Date Card says, “Let’s take a bite out of The Big Apple!” and Chris is excited to be in a familiar place with Ali.)
Back at the Group Date, it’s Pixilated Craig’s turn with Ali. He’s been a borderline Background Guy most of this season so far, but his “bullsh** detector” comments to “Rated-R” Justin last week, put him a bit more into the foreground.
Ali tells Craig that she’s impressed with him, and he tells her he’s in this 110%. I always hate it when people say something is over 100%, like that’s supposed to impress people. It really just makes us question their math skills. Ali and Craig start coming together and you can tell Craig thought he was about to get a kiss, but Ali gives him a hug instead. Weather Guy watches all of this from a creepy, stalker-y angle. “It’s crucial I sit down with her,” he tells us while the scary music plays in the background. Then he walks over and asks Craig if he can interrupt.
In another AWESOME scene, Craig tells him, “In a few minutes,” and sends Weather Guy back to his seat, tail between his legs. I mean, if we thought Weather Guy had zero balls before, we can now officially assume that he has reached eunuch status now. How does he just walk away without standing up for himself? “No, Craig! It’s MY turn now! You’ve had your time.” But, alas, no. Weather Guy is co**blocked yet again.
The scene gets better as we watch Kirk go over to Ali and take her away from Craig with no problem. He swoops in all Prince Charming-like and tells Ali she’s really sick and should go up to bed. He wants to take her up to her room and tuck her in. Nice move, Kirk! Ali tells the guys that she’s not going to give out a rose tonight since she doesn’t feel like she had enough time to figure things out, what with the hacking and lip-locks with Frank and all. “Kirk’s going to walk me to my room,” she tells them, and they stand there dumbfounded.
We get an interview with Weather Guy repeating, “I’m an idiot! I’m an idiot!” over and over again, and we agree with him with each iteration.
Kirk takes Ali up to her room and climbs into bed with her. She actually asks him to sing her some lullabies, but we don’t get to hear them. We didn’t get to hear Kirk sing at The Lion King either. What gives? He can’t have been THAT bad if Ali requests to hear more, right?
They make out in bed a bit, and all I can think of is that now Kirk’s mouth is covered not only with all the germs Ali’s carrying, but Frank’s as well. So gross! When is it EVER a good idea to make out with someone too sick to get out of bed? EVER?!
Kirk continues the Prince Charming routine and leaves a sleeping Ali in bed, kisses her goodnight on the cheek, and blows out the bajillion candles that are burning everywhere. Poor, poor Ali. Will she be OK? Will her nasty cold ruin everything? The world mourns…
Final One-on-One Date, or “Chicken Soup for the Bachelorette Soul”
It’s the next morning, and Chris L. is psyched for his date with Ali. He has on a cute, striped polo-style shirt and has his hair all perfectly gelled up and swoopy. His hopes are dashed though, when a card gets delivered that says Ali is too sick for their date today and has to cancel. Then Ali REALLY skeeves us out by inviting Chris down to her suite instead. So gross. Why would any guy voluntarily go down to her room knowing how sick and infectious she is? What’s even grosser is that Chris says he’ll go and actually seems excited at the prospect of it. Ewww…he rises a bit on my “Too Desperate” Meter.
Did you notice that the number on Ali’s room started with an “11”, which means that the guys get to be 24 floors higher than she is? I wonder what that’s all about? I guess they get the higher spot for the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony later.
Chris arrives downstairs with flowers and soup for Ali and she says the soup is yummy. They talk for a bit about Chris’s mom dying and he’s sweet as he talks about his family and how he gave up his life in New York City to be a good son and take care of his mom in her final years.
Back upstairs, the guys have noticed that Kasey is missing. I am officially done caring about anything Weather Guy has to say as he compares Kasey’s absence to an Amber Alert. Because a guy that the producers have been following with cameras all day while he gets a tattoo is exactly the same as some poor, defenseless child who has been abducted by a creep. Shame on you, Weather Guy (and the show for even airing that bit!) During this scene, Craig sinks back into Background Guy status as I see he has his baseball cap on in that “funky phresh” style where it’s slightly askew – just like the 13-year-olds I know. Sigh. Why don’t these guys get it like we do?
We get shots of Kasey seemingly wandering the mean streets of New York City telling us that he plans to do something to show Ali his sincerity. In the previews for this whole bit on premiere night, they made it seem like Kasey was going to be a stalker and slash his wrists. We saw his wrist bandaged and heard siren sounds, which apparently were more fake sound effects that the producers seem to love this year.
Now we know that Kasey plans to get a tattoo. We see him entering a tattoo parlor and telling the girl there that he wants to get a tattoo on his wrist of a shield guarding a heart. I notice that Kasey’s shirt is almost always unbuttoned one too many buttons and that he has a completely smooth chest. What’s up with that? Do you think he waxes? Shaves? It’s natural? Maybe all the hairs heard his voice and jumped off themselves? I dunno. The buzzing of the tattoo needle starts and we get a close-up on Kasey’s face as he prepares to endure the pain for the one who has his heart.
Back in Ali’s suite, she all of a sudden magically feels well enough to go out on the original date she had planned with Chris. This is all so fake. There’s no way she was at death’s door a few hours ago and is now perfect again. Not even Chris’s magic soup can accomplish THAT miracle. And, yes, go ahead and giggle…I said it…”Chris’s Magic Soup”. Tee hee hee.
They catch a cab and it takes them to another swanky bar that’s been shut down just for them. They eat oysters and lobsters, presumably to remind us again that they both share Massachusetts in common. Chris talks more about his mom, and Ali gets all vapid and says things like, “That’s SO great!”
Chris tells a really nice story about how his mom wrote him and his brothers letter before she died. In his letter she told him to always look for her in rainbows after she was gone. And on the day of her funeral, Chris says that there was a giant rainbow visible in the sky and that he sees them everywhere now. “Thanks for sharing that story,” vapid Ali responds.
She next produces a cell phone and suggests that since it’s his birthday, maybe Chris would like to call his dad? He’s excited and puts his dad on speaker. They do seem to have a warm relationship and their interaction makes me smile. During all of this, Ali plays with her hair like she did when Hunter crashed and burned in the farting hot tub last week. Is this a sign of some sort that she’s sending us? I hope not. I like Chris a lot and hope he makes it to the end.
Back at the guys’ place, Kasey has come back with the bandage around his wrist. He says he wants to tell Ali what he’s done first before he tells the guys. He makes up some cock-and-bull story about burning himself and having to go to the hospital. And, of course, all the guys fall for it. Well, they all fall for it except the one guy who tried the same technique last week—“Rated-R” Justin. He knows his bullsh** when he hears it since he’s so good at dishing it out. In a truly bizarre twist in the lexicon of entertainment wrestlers, Justin says about Kasey, “He’s a fibber!” How does Justin even know that word? Someone’s been hitting the Roget’s Thesaurus when he’s not getting chosen for dates, huh?
Back at the club, Ali gives Chris the rose, and he spends the rest of the date with it poking out of the lapel of his jacket, which looks kinda stupid. Ali says she has one more surprise for him and takes him up to the roof where Joshua Radin is playing with what looks like a gospel choir behind him. Who the hell is this guy? They really are parading out the fringe artists this season, aren’t they? I can’t even remember the name of the guy last week.
Joshua Radin is Ali’s favorite artist supposedly, and so she and Chris dance awkwardly to the music. The song is kind of fast and they are trying to slow dance, so it all looks a little weird. The wind is really whipping the trees around and it looks cold. Not too smart, Typhoid Mary. But Ali doesn’t care and she plants yet another lip-lock on yet another Bachelor. That makes three men positively infected so far with whatever Ali has. She and Chris kiss for a bit and a helicopter shot from above takes us to commercial.
The Cocktail Party, or “Guard and Protect THIS!”
So Ali comes in to the cocktail party and immediately goes to Kirk for the first one-on-one time. She thanks him for taking care of her and putting her to bed when she was so sick. Cut to a shot of Weather Guy sitting on the couch holding a pillow with roses stitched into it and pointing them out and pointing at his heart. Cuz that’s not like threatening or anything to Ali from across the room while he’s watching her with Kirk. Nah…totally normal.
Weather Guy comes over for the next one-on-one time. He knows it’s his big moment. He even takes off his jacket to prepare. We wonder what deep words of passion and inspiration he will speak to Ali to finally win her over to his side. He takes a deep breath, pulls out a guitar, and STARTS TO SING! My GOD! Do none of these guys watch this show? What would possess him to do something like that? Does he think he’s good?
Needless to say, Weather Guy is embarrassingly bad singing. Chris L’s face is perfect here as it seems to say, “WTF? Is this guy for real?” Kirk comes up with what I’ll call the line of the night when he says, “Great! We need one more guy to play guitar in this house!” Too funny.
After he’s done singing, Weather Guy tells us, “Now that I sang that song for Ali, I’d be more surprised if I didn’t get a rose. The skies are clearing and it looks like sun is back in the forecast!” Cause he’s a Weather Guy, right? So he can make weather metaphors, right? We cringe inwardly and hope he’s gone. We can’t take much more of this guy.
Now Justin is heading out to confront Kasey about where he really was all day. Kasey is out on the balcony, sipping champagne, gazing off into the New York skyline, and telling us he’s being genuine and sincere. Gag.
Justin officially calls him out as a liar and tells him, “If you can lie to a bunch of guys you spend every single minute with, then chances are you’ll be able to lie to Ali.” And you all picked up on the irony of this line, right? Because wasn’t it just last week that Justin snuck out of the house and lied to the guys about where HE was? Lame.
Justin presses Kasey for answers, and Kasey stays mum. Sweat is pouring off of Kasey’s temples and brows and he stares Justin down silently. Tension fills the room. Justin is hilarious and asks Kasey, “Is there a reason why you’re still staring at me like that?” Kasey has presumably gone off the deep end since now he’s going to have to reveal his secret to the guys before he can tell Ali.
Cut to a shot of Kasey calling all of the guys together in one room. Again, where is Ali? Why do they do this during every cocktail party now? Is she just alone, hacking up a lung on the balcony?
Kasey’s hair is sopping-wet sweaty now and he tells the guys that he came there to guard and protect Ali’s heart. That’s it. Eyes being ripped from sockets now. Totally blind. Can’t take it anymore.
Fortunately, Kasey revealing the tattoo to the guys distracts me from my own eyes. They can’t believe it. I mean, they all knew he was a nutjob, but they didn’t think he was THIS much of a nutjob.
Frank says, “This doesn’t prove anything except the fact that you’re nuts.” Just wait, Frank. You’ll get your turn too pretty soon. Chris is very funny and tells Kasey, “You’re gonna be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of your life. That’s probably going to be your nickname!” (To be honest, I thought about starting to call Kasey “Tattooed Bachelorette Guy” from now on in my blog, but it’s frankly much too long and I got enough grief from people last week about “Pixilated Pouch”, so I’m sticking with Kasey for now.)
Kasey points out that there are eleven stones in the shield of the tattoo – one for each of the eleven guys still there. Thus begins a great interchange of memorable quotes. Ty: “Kasey is getting crazier by the minute. Who knows what will be tattooed next?” Kasey tells Ty, “That hurts my heart, dude.” And Justin finishes off with an awesome zinger: “He’s going home with a bad tattoo!”
And speaking of the tattoo, I question if it’s a real one. I’ve never gotten one, but I assume that the day you get it there is some bleeding and scabbing-over that happens. It is, after all, a needle sinking into your skin, right? Then why when Kasey reveals the finished product is it all perfectly on there with no blood or scabbing? Why isn’t it swollen even a little bit? Why is there no color either? I’m going to guess that it’s not real, but we shall see at the Men Tell All special in a few weeks, I guess. If it is real, he must have gotten it several days before we see it to have healed that quickly.
Now it’s Kasey’s turn for some one-on-one time with Ali. He’s sweating up a storm again preparing to show her his tattoo. He’s brought her favorite type of candy and apologizes for coming on too strongly on their date earlier. “I want to begin fresh from here. I came here for you – to guard and protect your heart. I don’t have to say that anymore.” (And we all yell at the screen, “Then DON’T!”)
Just as he’s about to unveil his big surprise, Frank comes over and steals Ali away. Loving this scene! Such tension and build-up and brow sweat, and then…POOF! Ali’s gone with someone else. Sucks to be you, dude.
Chris Harrison interrupts the festivities and says it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Fade to a shot of the Statue of Liberty’s rusty-lookin’ armpit and then fade to black with ominous music playing.
The Rose Ceremony, or “One Crazy Gone, Two to Go”
Chris L. is the only one who is safe as the ceremony starts.
Ali picks Kirk first to receive a rose. This was a slam dunk since he got her out of the party and into her sick bed all comfy and cozy. He seems like a genuinely nice guy, but there’s still something a little “background” about him.
Ali asks Frank if he’ll accept the next rose and he answers, “Of course, Ali!” with really creepy smile and eyes. Why does he need to say her name? Shiver. I need to take a shower now.
Craig gets the next rose and then it’s Chris N’s turn. Total background guy. Zero air time. No way he’s winning this.
Ali mispronounces Roberto’s name yet again as she calls him to get the next rose. When Justin comes up to get his rose next, Ali tells him, “You look surprised!” No Ali, we’re ALL surprised, not just Justin. Ty gets the second to the last rose.
Now it’s stud muffin Jessie, Weather Guy, and Kasey left. Only one will get the rose. We are sure that it will go to Jessie, but are stunned as Ali selects Crazy Kasey instead. I guess the producers told her to keep him around for one more week so they could get a dramatic moment with the big reveal of his tattoo. It’s adios to Weather Guy and Jessie.
Ali tells Jessie that she doesn’t think they matched up. She’s probably right about that. Although he’s handsome and ripped, he seems pretty young for her.
Weather Man is dumbfounded. Tonight was the first night he thought he was safe, and now he’s making the Walk of Shame out to the taxi. He wipes his face a lot and says things like, “Ali could have been my wife,” and, “I feel like you didn’t get a chance to know me.” Um, Weather Guy, Ali knew you plenty after that song you sang her with your guitar. That’s all she needed to know.
Ali announces to the remaining guys that they will all be traveling to Iceland next week, and I will give you a dollar for every guy in that room who can find Iceland on a world map. They have no idea what or where that is, and it’s kinda funny to see the looks on some of the dumber guys’ face (Paging Rated-R, Rated-R…)
Previews, or “Is THAT the Volcano That Caused All That Mess?”
Next week we get to see the exploding volcano that stopped all of that air travel last month. We get to see glaciers and steaming pools of hot water surrounded by ice. We get to see Ali and Kirk kissing, and we get to hear Frank say, “I’m an emotional disaster!”
It looks like Kasey will be upset trying to find the right time to unveil his tattoo. He tells us that he can withstand physical pain (i.e. a needle shooting dye repeatedly into your wrist), but it’s the emotional pain that he can’t handle. “I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer. If I get sent home, that’s gonna destroy me,” he says, and we can see the unicorns and doves flying out of his mouth.
Closing Credits, or “What the Hell was THAT?!”
That’s really all I have to say about the closing credits: “What the hell was THAT?” We saw Rated-R Justin and Weather Guy with their chests stuck out pretending to trash talk each other. They say stupid things like, “You’re going downtown to Chinatown!” and act like stupid he-men. One funny part at the very end happens after Weather Guy has just finished a particularly loud rant and Rated-R has to wipe the spit off of his face. Did you catch that? Too funny.
I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Tenley during these parts. She was way funnier without even trying to be.
Ali’s Outfits, or “Still No Good Name for This Section”
This week’s outfits are kind of hard to talk about since Ali wore so many. At the InStyle fashion shoot alone she had on four or five different ones. I’ll just comment on the ones that stood out to me throughout the episode.
The first shots we get of Ali in this episode are when she’s walking down a street in New York City clutching a cup of hot coffee. She has on her trademark-color canary yellow knit cap, which I like a lot and she’s wearing tall, black boots. A very sophisticated fall look with some fun color thrown in. Four roses.
The outfit that stands out to me at the photo shoot is a black and white mini dress. It’s got this cool “twist” feature to it where it all looks like it’s moving around her. I like the simple lines a lot and the cool twisty effect. Four roses again.
On her date with Kasey, Ali wears a cool dinner-type jacket that has short sleeves and satin lapels. She’s got a lavender blouse under it and somehow there are long, white sleeves pushed up to meet where the dinner jacket ends. This is all on top of black jeans. Really nice look. Four roses again. (Wow! Ali’s batting 1000 so far, huh?)
At the start of her Lion King date, she’s got on a long, black coat, black jeans, and tall tan-colored boots. She’s even got an elephant charm necklace on to play up the Africa connection I would guess. Loving this too. Four roses.
Then, during her date with Chris L. at the swanky club, Ali finally swings and misses. She has on a spangly, blue top/jacket thingy that looks like something Bea Arthur would have worn on The Golden Girls. Or maybe something Brett Somers would have worn on The Love Boat. Either way, it’s a total miss. Half a rose, though, since I didn’t notice what she was wearing with it.
At the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony, Ali has on what looks like a black pants suit with a halter top around the back of her neck. I really like this look a lot. It’s very sophisticated on her, but then she has to go and ruin it when she walks into the Rose Ceremony and I can see her boobs all jiggly in the top and she’s not wearing a bra. So, before the Rose Ceremony…four roses. Post jiggly, though...three roses.
So there you have it. Another wrap-up of all that went down this week. Any thoughts or opinions? Let me know! And don’t forget to “Like” the group After the Rose on Facebook if you haven’t already. You’ll find bonus links and information over there that aren’t here.
Catch you next week!
No comments:
Post a Comment