Bath Houses, Leather Pants, and Oil Wrestling -- Happy Gay Pride One and All!

And we’re back again for another round of stupid fun with Ali and our bachelors. I haven’t been updating my Facebook page as much this week since I had my own “brush with stardom” and auditioned for a game show down in Hollywood. It was a fun experience even if they don’t call me back, but it took me away from my blogging duties. Hopefully I’ll have some extra surprises this week to make it all up to you.

If we learned one lesson from this week’s episode, it’s that Turkey is one of the gayest countries of all time. And I’m not using “gayest” as a putdown. This episode truly shows us Turkey in all of its fabulousness with its festive bazaars and its sordid back rooms. Some parts of this country put San Francisco to shame. And I am a gay man! Go figure.

Let’s get started and see what I’m talking about.

The Confrontation with Justin, or “Let’s Get Ready to Rrrrruuuummmble!”

We start the episode with previews of what’s coming tonight. We see there’s going to be a big blow-up between Ali and one of the bachelors. There’s a mysterious phone call. There’s even another handy-dandy, full-color map for us to see how one would fly from Iceland to Turkey. We watch as the cute little jet goes from Iceland, through Paris, en route to Istanbul (not Constantinople). The Bachelorette teaches us so many things – how to make bad choices, how to sing off key, and, apparently, world geography. We are so blessed to have this show around…

We cut to shots of Istanbul, which looks beautiful. We see the guys arriving and Roberto saying stupid baseball things like, “Turkey, baby! Woo HOO!” just like the Ottomans probably did back in the day. For her part, Ali’s “thrilled” to be in Turkey. She’s wearing giant, dangly, gold earrings and tells us in her best tour guide voice that she didn’t realize that 13 million people live in Istanbul. If Ali knew that information before she arrived and the producers didn’t feed her that stat for the cameras, I will olive oil wrestle shirtless on national TV too (more on that later…)

Chris greets the guys in front of their new hotel, and I notice that Craig has his baseball cap on at that same stupid middle school angle. They flash underneath that he is 27 years old and I do a spit take. Really?! 27?! Dude’s not aging so well, and is WAY too old to be wearing his hat like that.

We see the guys walking into their new digs on the ninth floor as we hear Ali say the line that has haunted her throughout this series: “I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point!” Apparently, the producers want to hit us over the head with foreshadowing on every episode this year, because by her saying this we really all know that something VERY wrong is actually about to happen.

It’s no surprise to anyone who’s been watching the previews when Chris Harrison knocks on Ali’s hotel room door and tells her they need to talk. “I’m scared! Why are you here?” Ali wants to know with her best scared face on.

Chris lays the bad news on her. Jessie (the Background Gal from last season who made it way further than her airtime would have predicted and who used a lot of her alone time with Jake to rail on Vienna and how much Jessie hated her) has called the producers and given them information that Chris Harrison thinks Ali needs to hear.

Chris dramatically goes over to the phone in Ali’s room and starts pushing the buttons to call Jessie. Ali is wide-eyed and saying things like, “My heart is racing!” as Chris reads the phone number off a piece of paper he’s holding.

Jessie answers and Chris gives the phone to Ali and both ladies give very funny, fake “How ARE you’s?” to each other like they were best buds on Jake’s season when they really didn’t like each other.

The producers have obviously set this whole phone call up because next we get a shot of nighttime in Toronto, Canada and Jessie in her house talking on the phone to Ali. She says she has some information about one of the guys on the show and that he’s not there for the right reasons. He has a girlfriend back at home (SHOCK!) Of course, she’s talking about “Rated-R” Justin. None of us is surprised since we’ve seen this coming on every preview from the last few weeks. But Ali seems truly shocked.

Jessie tells Ali that Justin’s girlfriend Jessica (too many Jessies, Jesses, and Jessicas this season!) is actually sitting right next to her there in Toronto and puts her on the line. OK…I’m going to sound petty here, I know. This is reality TV, though, and these people choose to have their faces and lives spread all over the public. Justin’s girlfriend is not nearly as hot as I would have expected. Ali blows doors on her in the looks department. She seems very sweet, though, and I feel oh-so-sorry for her that she got mixed up with a mess like Rated-R, but I’m not getting what a superficial, self-absorbed punk like Justin sees in a girl like Jessica. He’s pretty hot. He seems like the type that would be dating a busty stripper with implants or something. This Jessica girl just came out of left field for me. She has a weird mouth too.

Jessica tells Ali that she and Justin have been together for the past two years. He told Jessica he was doing the show just to become famous and get his foot in the door of the entertainment business. His only goal on the show is to make it to the Top Three. Then he will quit, come home, and marry her.

Then Jessica drops another bombshell. Justin’s been sneaking phone calls to her throughout the taping of the show (a SUPER big no-no for this show). As a matter of fact, Justin just called her (GASP!) last night!

And as if THAT weren’t big enough news, Jessica also spills that she just found out that Justin even has ANOTHER girlfriend (GASP!) who he’s been dating for two months.

By now Jessica’s crying and we do actually kinda feel sorry for her. She’s from Canada, so she says it’s all very hard to talk “aboot”. Ali says she appreciates the call and the information and hangs up.

Chris Harrison clears his throat and says, “Sorry,” like the whole deal is his fault (which it sorta is since he hosts this horrible show, right?)

Ali and Chris talk and she remembers back to the first night when all the guys voted Justin as the one who was here for all of the wrong reasons. She thought he was just misunderstood back then. Now she realizes that “everything he said was basically a lie!” Chris confirms for Ali that Justin has indeed been sneaking away and making phone calls. None of the other guys knows yet, though.

Now Ali’s pissed. She reiterates for the ten millionth time that she left her apartment, her job, and her life to find true love here. “I’m just pissed!” she says. “I’m beyond pissed. I want to get him out of here! It’s disgusting what Justin did!” Like making out with a bunch of different guys on national TV isn’t disgusting, Ali? C’mon, girl.

Ali wants to confront Justin about all of this, so Chris walks her up to their room. She takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. The guys freak out when they see it’s Ali. Surprise! She sits down in the living room with all of them and immediately gets to the task at hand.

She stares Justin down and says, “You probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada!” Justin immediately pops up and tries leaving the room. “Sit down and talk like a man!” Ali commands, but Justin’s not having any of it. The tension mounts. Roberto takes this opportunity to snuggle up to Ali and put his arm around her.

The cameras follow Justin, and he says he’d rather not say anything. He tells the camera he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Chris Harrison chases him down the hallway while Justin yells, “I got my passport, I got my wallet. That’s all I need!” Dramatic music is building.

We cut to Craig who’s back in the living room swearing and getting bleeped over what he thinks about Justin and the news.

Ali is now chasing Justin down the stairs in the fire escape yelling after him the line we’ve seen played in the preview so many times: “Is this how you want to be perceived? You really want to go out like this?” and Justin keeps bolting. Ali chases him outside, all the while asking him to stop so the can talk. Justin avoids her and gets the clever idea to enter a crowded restaurant. No one can cause a scene in a public place, right? Sadly for Justin, though, he is met with a locked door and an annoyed waiter waving him away. Apparently this is not the entrance to the restaurant, Justin. Sucks to be you.

Next we get some funny shots of the guys back up on the ninth floor watching this all unfold. “Look! There he is! There’s Ali! Dude! I see them! Everyone looks like ants from way up here! Who stole my hair gel? Man Code!” OK, well they said some of that for real at least.

Now Justin is actually trying to climb up what looks like a large, stepped garden fountain. With the boot thing still on his broken foot, it’s pretty funny watching him try to pick his path up the fountain without falling on his butt in the water. All the while Ali is hounding him to stop and talk, but he’s a man on a mission. “Justin! You’re gonna regret this!” Ali howls.

We can always count on Kirk this season for the best one-liner zingers and tonight is no exception. “When you bust out a t-shirt, it should say ‘Justin LIAR’!” he laughs back up in the hotel room.

Finally Justin stops and comes back to Ali. Ali is smart enough to know that the reason why there was a chase in the first place was so that Justin could collect his thoughts after being blind-sided with all of this and come up with some lame excuse for his behavior that will look good in front of the cameras. 

They sit on a low wall outside the hotel and Justin tells Ali that he has strong feelings for Jessica back home, but that she’s like his best friend. He says his heart has been getting less and less into this show. He still has the rose Ali gave him when they stranded Kasey out on the glacier last week, but she doesn’t want it back. She reminds him that his deception has caused a lot of really great guys to go home.

Ali pisses off every grammar teacher in America again when she tells Justin that she knows he has a girl back at home “who (he) supposably cares about.” Really, Ali? “Supposably” still? No one clued you in after last week?

Justin tells Ali he never called Jessica during the show. Ooo…this is getting good now. Who’s telling the truth? Will we ever know? “Rated-R” Justin’s word versus “Weird Mouth” Jessica’s word. Hmmm…I wonder who’s telling the truth?

Justin won’t answer any of Ali’s questions, so she forces us to gouge our eyes out by telling him AGAIN that she gave up her job, her apartment, and her life to be here. “It’s unspeakable what you’ve done,” she says, even though she’s speaking about it.

He says he’s sorry for everything, she tells him, “You could have owned up like a man!” and he walks away without having answered anything.

In another faked, over-the-shoulder shot, we see Justin slowly ambling away out of focus while we see Ali in the foreground saying things like, “He couldn’t even defend himself…He left like a coward…I hate Justin for doing this to me…”

Next we get the huge payoff we’ve been waiting for. When this show takes people down, they do it HARD. We see Justin wandering through the lobby and then hear a BEEP! sound. It’s a message playing with his voice on it. Oh snap! Tell me Jessica did not save every voicemail Justin left her from the show and then send them right over to the producers? Oh no she didn’t!  Oh sweet heaven…at last I have found you. We are actually going to get the audio proof we need that Justin is a true scumbag.

Below are some choice snippets from each message Justin left for Jessica while “supposably” on the show:

Message #1 (I am SO happy right now. SO happy…):

BEEP! “I want you to be my wife….I look forward to kissing your lips again…I love you…”

Message #2 (you mean there’s more than ONE?! Score!):

BEEP! “I found the love of my life and that person is you…”

Message #3 (what is it, my freakin’ BIRTHDAY today?!):

BEEP! “I’m in Iceland right now…You don’t know how important you are to me…It kinda made me regret even coming up with this whole thing…”

I stare dumbfounded at the screen.  This is the first time I can remember in the show’s history that they have such specific, damning evidence. Last season everyone threw out that Vienna was also there for the wrong reasons (Ali among the most vocal of all), but no one had any specific proof. This season we get private voicemails messages in Justin’s own voice. So juicy. Totally worth this entire season.

Justin was a phony. He really did have a girlfriend back home whom he intended to marry and came up with this whole kooky plot just for publicity. So sad. You can almost hear him sneering, “And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!” It didn’t take Scooby Doo and the gang to uncover Justin’s deceit. His own choices did it very nicely for him, thank you. Good bye, “Rated-R”.

As much as we all will want to say that we’ll never hear from him again because he did such a horrible thing to Ali, you know he’ll be popping up all over our TV sets in the future. The bad guys always do. That’s why they put Wes on The Bachelor Pad and why Johnny Fairplay (who lied about his grandmother dying on Survivor) won’t go away. What about Omarosa from the original Apprentice? She even got her own talk show at one point! We love the bad guys and gals, and Justin will most likely be able to parlay that into something for himself. The power of reality TV. Yay us…

Back up in the hotel room, the guys are chatting about the big news. Craig tries to one-up Kirk in the zinger department, but fails miserably: “That turkey’s gobbling his way back to Canada!” Deafening silence. Um, gee Craig…thanks for making a fun segment totally awkward now. ‘Preciate that.

Suddenly, a Date Card is slid underneath the guys’ door, and it reminds us that the show must go on. Craig tells us three or four times that he’s the only one who hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date yet and that it’s really important for him to score one in Turkey. This will be his battle cry for the rest of his time in Turkey.

For those of you new to the show, it is painfully obvious already that it’s Craig’s turn to get the ol’ heave-ho tonight. He has been mostly a Background Guy for this whole season, and tonight all of a sudden he’s getting lots of airtime. Like Chris N. last week (Mr. “I forgot my poetry lines, but you wouldn’t know I like Mexican food!”), it’s the death knell when you’re a Background Guy who all of a sudden gets his face in almost every scene.

“Let’s get steamy!” the Date Card says, and it’s for Ty. Craig is bummed while Ty is a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ all over the room (“Clean up on Aisle 5! Clean up on Aisle 5!)

First 1-on-1 Date, or “How to Catch a 300-Year-Old Case of Jock Itch”

It’s the start of a new day for Ali as she begins the 1-on-1 date with Ty. She’s trying to bounce back from the confrontation with Justin, and she thinks Ty is the perfect guy for this date today because he’s always so positive and makes her feel good.

They start off by doing some shopping in a bazaar that can’t be too authentic since the first thing Ali wants to buy is an “I Heart Istanbul” t-shirt. Classy, Ali. Apparently Ali thinks she’s shopping on Fisherman’s Wharf. They hug some and hold hands. Then Ali tells Ty she has a surprise for him

Cut to a shot of them walking out of different doors wrapped in what looks like traditional Turkish clothes one would wear to the baths. Ali is excited to tell us that she and Ty will be spending time in an old bathhouse. In her best Tour Guide Barbie voice she tells us that usually the bathhouse only allows men. She points out that there is light “poking” through the circles and stars in the vaulted ceiling. OK…I just have to stop here and guffaw for a minute or two. Is it just me, or is this whole scene just RIFE with double-entendres? I would be remiss in passing them up.

Seriously?! A bathhouse?! Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, Ali, bathhouses are almost exclusively for men. It’s where they go to “take a bath” and “make friends” with other men, if you know what I mean (not that there’s anything wrong with that…) Can you imagine the legions of naked men who have sat right where you and Ty are now sitting?

Oh…and you had to go and use the word “poking” too, huh? Heh heh heh…she said “poking” in a bathhouse. All right…I’m done now.

Tour Guide Ali seriously grosses us out when she announces that “…people have been bathing here for 300 years!” Ew ew EW! Three hundred years?! Can you imagine the build-up of grime, dirt, bacteria, germs, and bodily fluids on THAT floor? My god. They must need to use a mixture of bleach, formaldehyde, vinegar, and Tabasco Sauce each night just to hose the place down, dontcha think? Now I see why they have to wear those weird shoes that the producers make them teeter around in. Who would want any section of their skin touching any part of that bathhouse? Shudder…

They sit on the floor (hopefully on top of piles of fabric like the ones they have on so there is no butt-cheek-to-three-hundred-year-old-floor touchage), and Ty goes in for a kiss. At the last second, Ali turns her head away and he has to settle for a neck nuzzle and a hug instead. Uh oh. Not looking good for our good ol’ boy. Ty offers her a massage, and we finally get a better look at his big, beefy body. I think the only criticism I can make about Ty’s appearance is that he’s one of those guys who is losing his hair from the front and so he combs everything forward to try to hide that. He needs a new haircut, but otherwise, Papa like. Oh…and am I totally off base here, or does Ty kinda look like a younger Al Gore?

Even though Ali says things like, “This is so hot and steamy and sexy!” and, “This is purrrrfect!” there doesn’t seem to be much sexual chemistry between these two. It feels like Ty is definitely much more into this whole bathhouse scene than Ali is. Or am I reading too much into their body language?

(Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, the next Date Card is delivered. Right on cue, Craig tells us he really hopes he’s not part of the Group Date since he’s the only one left who hasn’t had any 1-on-1 time with Ali. “Love conquers ol(ive),” the card says, and then Frank says he misses Ali. Chris, Roberto, Kirk, and Craig all get the news that they will be going on the Group Date. Craig is crushed because he’s the only one left who hasn’t had any 1-on-1 dates with Ali yet (in case you hadn’t heard). Frank is stoked because he’s the one getting the last 1-on-1 date in Turkey and he also realizes that he is the first guy to get TWO, count ‘em TWO 1-on-1 dates with Ali. Hard to keep track of all of those numbers, huh? For his part, Craig tells us he’s frustrated because he’s the only guy left who hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date with Ali yet. Heavy sigh.)

Back at the date with Ty, Ali is telling us that Ty “…restored (her) faith in men today”. They finally start making out, but I’m not feelin’ it much. Ty is all over her and she’s not seeming very passionate about any of it. Ty tells Ali that he loves Istanbul and would come back there for his honeymoon. Wishful thinking, Mr. Beefcake.

Now it’s nighttime and Ali brings Ty to a dinner table set up right next to the water. Ty tells Ali the things he likes about her and then asks her to tell him what she likes about him. It’s usually a bad sign when the woman starts off with “You’re attractive and tall…” so I’m sure Ty was bummed to hear that first and, “I always feel good when I’m with you,” second. All the while Ali talks to him, he keeps responding with one-word answers like, “Yes! Yup! Yeah!” Shut up, Ty, and let the lady talk to you! Ty seems to want to control a lot of the conversation.

Next they talk about Ty’s divorce. He admits that one of the reasons his marriage didn’t work was because he was raised very traditionally where the woman stays at home (it WAS the hills of Tennessee, after all, right?) But now that he’s been out in the world a bit more, he has made the deep realization that, “…women are presidents of companies! They’re CEO’s!” Amazing! Welcome to the 21^st Century, Ty! Dive right in. You’re gonna love it here!

Ty says that now he would never do anything to get in the way of Ali’s career. He’s ready to jump back into marriage (because, as we all know, “jumping” into marriage always works out so well for all parties involved), and he loves being married.

(Meanwhile, back at the Hyatt, Craig is telling the guys he’d be OK if Ty didn’t come back from his date tonight. More focus on Craig. He’s a goner for sure.)

Back at dinner, Ali picks up the rose to give to Ty, but before she gives it to him she lets him know that “traditional” is the last word she’d use to describe herself. All the while, Ty is still doing that annoying, “Yes! Yup!” thing at the end of every one of her sentences. She offers him the rose, he accepts it, they kiss, and then they walk away. As they leave, we can see that all the food on their plates is completely untouched. They didn’t eat a bite during that entire scene. I love noticing stuff like that on this show.

They walk over to where a small band is playing traditional music out on the street. They begin to dance, and in a voiceover Ty reminds us of his hillbilly roots when he announces, “Tonight was absolutely the most rememberable dance I’ve ever had.” Awww…poor, dumb, traditional Ty. Ella from Jake’s season called and she wants her country bumpkin act back, n’k? Yee HAW!

The Group Date, or “Welcome to Gay Istanbul!”

The Group date opens with the four selected guys cruising the riverfront searching for Ali. My first thought is that they look like frat guys looking for a hooker, but this is The Bachelorette. Things are a little classier over here on this show, right?

Chris L. spies Ali sitting on top of a big, tall, old building hanging out over the side yelling down to them. I immediately notice that Chris has on REALLY bad sunglasses. They don’t flatter him at all and make him look like a pimp from New Jersey (or maybe that was the intended effect? We need to keep our eye on Chris’s swagger.)

Kirk tells us that Ali, “…looked like a blonde goddess…” sitting up there, and that the guys all had, “…a Rapunzel moment.” We rely on Kirk for these metaphors and he comes through every time.

The guys go inside the building and Tour Guide Ali kicks in again to tell them that it’s a 15^th century fortress built during the Ottoman Empire, and you just know all those guys were like, “The what empire? Is that from Star Wars?”

They all “Cheers!” each other with big glass mugs of beer, and then Ali lays the bad news on them. There won’t be any rose at the end of this date. The good news, though, is that one “special” guy will get some “special” alone time with Ali at the end of the date. But there’s more bad news. The guys will have to fight for that honor.

Cue the sounds of drumbeats and the camera pans over to a group of Turkish men coming into focus. A few are banging drums, but four of them are shirtless, are wearing leather pants, are oiled up, and are trying to do their best “I’m a swarthy mean guy!” scowl.

Kirk is freaking out and imitating the faux-intimidating looks on the guys’ faces. “They’re oiled up!” he shouts. Tour Guide Ali informs them that olive oil wrestling with your shirt off wearing leather pants is a professional sport in Turkey (gay, gay, gay!) and that the guys are going to be wrestling for her love.

Chris L. announces, “This is not fun!” and then Ali starts pouring olive oil all over him. We get a nice shot of his mom’s signature tattooed over his heart. She must be up in heaven smiling down on her good little boy getting oiled up and preparing to grapple with oily, swarthy men.

As I see the guys getting ready, I feel sorry for Craig. He definitely has the dumpiest body there and knows it. He tells us that he fights with words, not with his body (Because, get it? He’s a lawyer!)

We find out through a translation at the bottom of the screen that the first person to force the other guy’s back onto the ground is the winner. How bummed is “Rated-R” that he wasn’t part of this date? Even with his broken foot he would have torn it up. Unless you’re saying that professional wrestling is fake like he is. You ARE saying that? Party pooper…

Chris L. is up first and gets tossed to the ground by a big Turkish guy in a matter of seconds. “I am regretting this while idea!” Ali laments, like she had any say over it at all.

As Kirk also gets dumped on his can, the excitement builds because it also starts raining. Now THEY are all slippery AND the GROUND is also slippery! How’s that for a perfect storm? Roberto gets dumped on his butt next. For some reason, we don’t see Craig get the same treatment, but I’m sure it ended like all the rest did.

Next, Ali tells them that they will be wrestling each other now. The winner will get the coveted 1-on-1 time with her at the end of the date. Cut to Craig who tells us how important this is since he’s the only guy there who hasn’t already had a 1-on-1 date with Ali…with Ali…with Ali…with Ali…broken record…broken record…

First up it’s Craig vs. Chris. They all expect Chris to reign supreme here since he’s a lot bigger and stronger-looking. But our boy Craig pulls it out and puts Chris flat on his back. First round goes to Craig.

Next up, it’s Kirk versus Roberto. Roberto wins this one easily, but not before we get some really nice beefcake shots of his body writhing around all oily and muscle-y and baseball player-y, and…what? Oh sorry. Lost in my own little gay world there for a minute.

Now it’s time for the final showdown – Roberto versus Craig. Craig totally takes Roberto down a peg before they even start by saying, “He was almost in the big leagues! He’s a tough dude.” Ouch, Craig! Almost in the big leagues? That’s gotta hurt.

Roberto and Craig are all chummy and hand shake-y and bear hug-y before they start their match. Roberto tells us he’s betting on himself. “I need time with her!” Craig screams in a crazed voice.

The match starts and of course it’s long and drawn out with lots of fluffy scenes of the two guys wriggling around all over each other. Ali has her hands clasped over her mouth like she’s horrified at the sight of a not-Major-League baseball player and a blobby lawyer squirming around in the mud all oiled up so they can have five minutes alone with her.

In the least surprising outcome of the year, Craig wins the wrestling match. Like we didn’t see THAT one coming from a mile away. How much more set up could that have been? “I get no time alone with her…wah…wah…wah…I’m a lawyer, not a fighter..wah…wah…wah…I WIN!”

Ali gives Craig the saddest trophy ever in the history of trophies. It’s a mini pair of leather pants like the real Turkish wrestlers were wearing, but they may as well have been ass-less chaps. The irony of the win is lost on Craig, however, as he celebrates his victory. What he hasn’t thought about is that if Ali had REALLY wanted some 1-on-1 time with him, he would have already been chosen to spend time with her alone. He hasn’t been chosen…ever. Other guys have. It’s pretty simple, actually. Why did you just spend all that time and effort to hang solo with a girl who has had zero interest in doing the same with you, Craig? You’ve been had!

(Back in the hotel room, the guys are recapping the wrestling escapades with Ty and Frank. They are all bummed Craig won since now there’s more of a chance for him to form a bond with Ali. Frank tells us yet again that he hates seeing guys go out for 1-on-1 time with Ali. It’s tough for him to have to just sit back and wait for HIS time alone with her. Poor Frank.)

Now we see Ali and Craig during their alone time. They are sitting inside a boat on a bench and Craig has his arm around her in one of the most awkward poses of all time. “I’m five for five on Group Dates right now,” he tells us. “I fought my ass off for my 1-on-1 today, and that felt beautiful.” Not touching that with a ten-foot hookah.

Ali takes him off the boat and up into an old tower. Of course, dessert and thousands of little candles are set up at the top. He starts off with the smooth moves by asking her, “How would you feel if I took my olive oil wrestling career to the next level?” Um, Craig, maybe start by telling her how pretty she is? Or how about saying how excited you are to finally have some alone time with her? Why the bad humor right off the bat?

He takes Ali’s hand, and I notice he has a bandage wrapped around one finger. Wrestling injury? We never find out.

Despite the tough time I am giving him, Craig actually seems like a nice, genuine guy. Ali likes that “…there’s never an awkward moment of silence…” with Craig, and Craig enthuses that, “I’ve never met anybody like you!” which is another sign that Craig is playing just a bit out of his league. Craig, if you’ve never met a girl like Ali before, there’s a reason, dude. Sorry to break it to you.

(Back in the hotel room, the final Date Card of the evening gets delivered. Of course it’s for Frank. It says, “The road to love is bazaar,” which is supposed to be a funny double-entendre of the fact that bazaar and bizarre are pronounced the same way. Eh. Frank tells us that he remembers what Ali told him last week about being too much in the background on group dates. He knows he needs to take the lead now. Go, Frank!)

Back outside of the tower, Craig and Ali are ooh-ing and ahh-ing over a fireworks display over the water. Ali’s nervous giggle is back, which isn’t a good sign. “This is unreal!” Craig interjects. Really? Cuz last time I checked, fireworks over the water were pretty darned real, Craig.

They hug some and he again tells her she’s like no girl he’s ever met before. I notice that there is no smoochin’ goin’ on, though. Tour Guide Ali tells us that they are watching fireworks over the Bosporus Strait, a geographical landmark I would bet she would never have been able to locate before this trip.

Fade to black on Craig’s alone time with Ali. Instead of making out, he got a geography lesson. Sucks to be you, Craig…

The Last 1-on-1 Date, or “Dress-Up Time with Frank!”

We come back from commercial and Ali tells us she’s nervous about her date with Frank. Things have been up and down with him, and “…he continues to disappoint me.” Yikes! Strong words. She really wants the “old Frank” back.

They meet in a plaza and hug and kiss. Frank tells us he’s worried that their feelings are dying. They walk over to a spice bazaar and Frank announces, “Let’s get into some trouble!” Woo-hoo, Frank! Gettin’ into trouble at the spice bazaar! What are you gonna do? Sniff some saffron? Roll some rosemary? Frank likes to live on the dangerous edge of disaster, apparently.

We see Ali and Frank haggling with some of the vendors in the bazaar. It looks crowded and there are lots of stalls selling what seem to be everything except spices at first. Then we get shots of piles of spices everywhere. It actually looks pretty cool.

Of course, Frank spies the aphrodisiac store and makes a beeline there. Keep it in your pants, Frank. The guy there shows them some powder they can mix with honey and Frank thinks they should take a few spoonfuls right now. Down, boy!

Next they go into a store that seems to be selling traditional Turkish clothing. There are belly-dancing costumes and even a big, dumb sultan/turban hat thing that Frank decides would be the perfect thing to put on his head. While he prances around stupidly in the sultan hat, Ali goes in to try on a belly-dancing outfit.

She comes out all jingly-jangly and swirly and does a little dance for Frank while she giggles. Frank’s tongue is now literally hanging out of his mouth, drool pouring down like he’s never seen a scantily-clad woman before. He scores the line of the night when he tells her, “First of all...wow! Second of all…why am I wearing this hat? Third of all…wow!” Time to take the hat off, Frank. Aladdin you are not. Frank tells us he feels that he and Ali have chemistry and then proves it by making out with her.

(Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the remaining guys are getting all catty about Frank. They don’t want him to get a rose on his date tonight. Craig doesn’t see the writing on the wall and thinks Frank might actually be in trouble. Chris and Ty don’t see Frank as the perfect guy for Ali.)

Now we cut back to the bazaar and Frank and Ali have entered a rug store.  Next starts one of the lamest, staged, faked bits of this whole season. We see an overweight Turkish rug seller who looks and acts like a quintessential used car salesman back here in the States. He gives them the hard sell to try to get them to buy a rug, but Frank holds firm and repeats over and over, “I’m not buying that rug.” He’s sure he’s not buying a rug today. Nuh-uh. No way. No how.

But then the rug seller crafts an evil plan. Maybe if he throws in some Samsonite luggage and two pillows, maybe THAT might seal the deal? Apparently, the rug seller had Frank at “Samsonite” because in the next scene we see Frank and Ali walking outdoors with Frank slinging the huge rug across his shoulder. Who knew Frank could be bought so easily with luggage and some throw pillows?

Ali tells us she’s glad the old Frank is back. “Nothing has changed,” she happily tells us. “It can only get better from here!” Apparently Ali hasn’t seen the previews for the episode in Tahiti, because WE sure did, and it certainly does NOT look like things get better with Frank.

Now it’s nighttime and Ali is taking Frank to the Basilica Cistern for dinner. They go down some stairs and enter what looks like a really pretty place. There are lots of columns (uplit in Bachelorette orange, of course!). What looks beautiful, though, quickly turns to disgust on my part as I look up what cisterns do. They were used to collect and hold water for people before there were pipes. So all of the water down there has been filtered through the dirty streets of Istanbul. For added effect we get to hear and see the drippings from above. So gross. I’m guessing no one goes down there, sticks a cup in the water, and drinks away. It’s beautiful architecture, sure, but Ali has basically taken Frank to a sewer for their date, right?

Ali shows Frank where they are going to eat. It’s a little stone platform out in the middle of the water. Frank rightfully wants to know how they will get there, and then we cut to a shot of them both wading through the water on their way to the platform. Geez. I sure hope they both got all of their shots before they left for Turkey. No way you would find me wading through that stuff with no shoes on. I’m wretching just thinking about it.

They talk about their feelings out on the platform. Frank says “like” WAY too much, but gets his point across that he still digs Ali. He also tells her that he feels out of touch with his feelings, which is never a good sign and definitely not something you’d want to hear when you’re stranded out on an island in a Turkish sewer.

Frank tells Ali that, “I only want to propose once in my life…I want to be married only once…” to which Ali replies with deafening, awkward silence.

Then she says the line we’ve seen previewed all night before commercial breaks: “I think my relationship with you scares me.” She feels nervous. She doesn’t like that she has no control over who falls in love with her. In a line reminiscent of Kasey (R.I.P.), Frank says that he’s now ready to trust his heart. They make out and I notice that Frank wears a thumb ring. Really, Frank? A thumb ring? That doesn’t make you any cooler. You’ll still be living with your parents when you get home, Big Guy.

Ali tells us that, “…when Frank was talking about how scared he’s feeling, it was just raw and real. “ Barf. “I just think there’s something really special that we have. Something I’ve never felt before.” Double barf.

She of course gives Frank the rose at the end of the date. “You blow me away!” she says. He answers back, “You steal my heart. I’m very lucky to be here with you right now,” and he’s actually pretty cute as he says it.

They make out some more while drops of gutter water fall all around them and on their food, and Frank ends the scene with, “I’m falling for Ali HARD!” Heh heh heh…hard…heh heh heh…

The Cocktail Party, or, “What’s the Point? I’m Dumping Craig Tonight.”

The guys arrive to the cocktail party, which for some reason is not being held in their hotel room this time. Immediately we notice that Chris L. (who has been dressing more and more casually for these parties each week) couldn’t even put on a tie or a nice pair of shoes. Instead, he’s opted for the “suit with open shirt collar and Nikes” look. That’s confidence, man!

We get a lot more shots of Craig sealing his fate by telling us how bummed he’d be if he got sent home tonight. Man, this guy has said more tonight than he has in every other episode combined!

The guys are boring since there are so few of them left now. They fidget impatiently for Ali to come down the stairs to start the cocktail party. Craig is nervous and thinks maybe something is wrong. Ali is taking a really long time to come down.

Upstairs, Ali is looking at all of their photos and saying she feels a connection with every guy except one. She calls in Chris Harrison and asks if it would be OK to cancel the cocktail party tonight and go right to the Rose Ceremony. She already knows whose heart she wants to break tonight and there’s no need to go through the motions of a cocktail party and “prolong the inevitable” as Chris Harrison so astutely says.

The guys are surprised to see Chris come down the stairs instead of Ali, and the tense music begins as Chris announces Ali’s plan to forgo the cocktail party tonight. Cut to shots of all the guys looking stupefied. “Are you serious?” one asks. They are all shocked and now they all feel nervous and vulnerable since they won’t get to wow Ali with their wily charms over drinks. That’s the only game Roberto and Chris L. have had for this entire series, right?

The Rose Ceremony, or “Sucking Lips Sink Ships”

Chris Harrison reminds us that both Ty and Frank are safe since they received roses on their dates. He doesn’t remind us that the producers have rigged it so that the only time Craig scored 1-on-1 time with Ali was on a date with no rose so that he could be assured of being sent home packing tonight. All part of the plan, folks.

Ali comes out and tells the guys that all of her relationships with the guys have taken a step forward this week except for one. She didn’t think it was fair going through the cocktail party if her mind was already made up. Plus, the producers needed the time in this episode to let the Justin drama play out. I’m sure that’s the REAL reason she canceled the party. All part of the plan, folks (Part 2).

The first rose goes to Roberto. We get a shot of Craig barely nodding his head up and down as if to say to Ali, “Yup…you’re choosing me next!”

Chris L. from MA gets the next rose, so now it’s down to either Kirk or Craig going home tonight. They show Craig sucking his lips. Then they show it some more. Then again. Ew, get a room , Craig!

The final rose goes to….Kirk! He accepts it and then Ali makes a pouty, sad face in Craig’s direction. Craig hugs the other guys goodbye, and then Ali asks him if it’s OK to walk him out. Since this is the last time he’s ever going to have a girl this hot paying any attention to him, Craig of course says yes and they walk into another room.

She’s crying, and in one of the grosser scenes of this episode, wipes her runny nose with her fingers, and then holds his hands. Typhoid Mary is back in town, guys! Bring on the Purel!

Craig tells her he meant everything mushy he said the other night and that he’ll never forget this experience. She’s speechless at first, but then finally says that she thinks the romance was missing between them, which anyone could have seen the moment they went on their alone time together.

Craig takes the Walk of Shame out to a van with his hand in his pocket. He’s trying really hard not to break down and cry in his back seat interview. “That was really a heartbreak,” he says. “I’m shocked!” (We’re not). He thought they were headed in the right direction and he was falling in love. Again he tells us that “…she’s like no girl I’ve ever met before!” He sighs a lot and rubs his face forcing himself not to cry. And as the taillights fade out into the darkness, we bid a fond farewell to the last remaining Background Guy. Farewell, Craig. You seem like a really nice guy, but you were all wrong for this show.

Back at the house, Ali announces that next time they are heading to Lisbon, and all the remaining guys’ ears perk up because they all thought she said she was a “lesbian”. Then she says the word Portugal, and even though none of them has any idea where that is, they get all excited since Lisbon still sounds like lesbian and maybe they will get to see some lesbians rolling around in olive oil or something.

Previews, or “Pay Attention and You Can Figure Out Who Wins the Show”

The producers change up the previews this week, and I’m not sure why. Instead of just showing what’s coming up next week, they give away bits and pieces of the entire rest of the season.

For those of you who weren’t keeping track and don’t want to be spoiled, I won’t give away too many details, but if you watched closely last night you can tell who doesn’t make it past the home town dates and then who makes it into the final three. It was all right there. I wonder why?

Also, did anyone else notice that these previews were supposed to be for the rest of the season, not just next week, and that there was not one shot of any Final Rose Ceremony anywhere? No one on bended knee, no shots of Ali saying goodbye to someone off-camera. Hmmm…that seems fishy to me. They always show those kinds of shots throughout a season of this show, but they haven’t shown us one yet this entire season, have they?

Anyway, we get drama in Tahiti with Frank crying, we get drama in some family member’s taxidermy shop, we get drama on mopeds. Drama, drama, drama!

End Credits, or “If I’m Being Honest Here, Your Country Music Sounds Like Garth Brooks on Sesame Street!”

The end credits get better this week as we see a shot of Ty singing a lame song with his guitar. It’s all about love at first sight and roses or crap like that. He actually has a pretty decent voice in a country twang kind of way. The best parts of this scene, though, are the shots we get of Frank watching Ty sing and play. First Frank’s smiling like he’s enjoying it. Then he’s sitting there like he’s just tolerating it as the song goes on and on about nothing. Finally, Frank just gets up and walks out of the room while Ty still plays. And…scene.

But wait! There's more! The best news we get all night is that we should tune in next week when Jake and Vienna are going to be face-to-face for the first time since they broke up. Ooooo! Can't WAIT for that!

Another banner episode this week. The spoiler sites are all abuzz about how this one ends. What do YOU think? Who will she choose? Any predictions for who will be the next Bachelor? Come join us on Facebook at After the Rose and let us now what you think! See you next week!