Poetry Slam, or “How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Butcher a Language to Tell You…”
The episode opens with some bitchin’ rock music playing while we watch an Iceland Air jet landing. For those of us geographically challenged, the producers create yet another stunning, full-color map to show us the airplane traveling from New York to Iceland. Again, I am willing to bet that not one guy in that crew could have found Iceland on a map before seeing that map last night.
We get beautiful shots of the rugged mountains and glaciers along with shots of the erupting volcano that caused all of that air traffic mess a few months back. Throughout this episode I keep wondering how they are getting all of these aerial shots of the volcano if the ash was extreme enough to shut down the entire continent of Europe? How does it not send the helicopters the show uses into a death spiral right into the erupting cauldron of death?
Next we see the guys walking into the middle of what looks like a town square to meet Chris Harrison. It’s immediately apparent that it is bone-chilling cold there. They are all wearing some variation of a fur or flannel hat pulled over their ears, heavy woolen jackets, boots, etc. No one looks especially happy to be standing out there. “It’s SO COLD out here!” one guy complains. I just looked it up online and the average temperature in Iceland during November/December (which is when the show was taping) is in the high 20’s to low 30’s. Brrrr….
Chris tells the guys that this week there will be one one-on-one date, one group date, and one two-on-one date where one of the two will be sent packing at the end for sure. To decide who gets to take Ali on the one-on-one date, Chris tells them that they are going to be writing some love poetry to Ali and reading their creations aloud to her. Then she will decide which is the best and that guy scores the coveted alone time with her. Oh, and to make things extra stupid, Chris Harrison also tells them that they will get “extra credit” for sliding some Icelandic words into their masterpieces. They get one hour to work on what they want to say. Cut to Kasey making a really weird laugh. This guy officially gives me the creeps now.
Chris L. just wants to make her laugh with what he writes, he tells us. Reminding us that he went off the deep end (and then some last week), Kasey tells us to tell Ali, “I’m your man, I’m your guy, I’m your heart.” No “guard and protect” yet. You shot drinkers are all safe (for now…)
Next we get shots of the guys trying to write their innermost thoughts down on the pads the show has given them. We see them splitting up and walking around trying to get the locals to translate some choice words into Icelandic. We quickly discover that Icelandic is a really hard language to pronounce and understand for us south of the border-types. Frank asks someone how to say, “I love you,” and his look changes to one of utter confusion as he watches the people try to pronounce it for him.
Justin “Rated-R” stands in the street asking passersby for translation help, but everyone ignores him. Roberto goes into a hotel and asks the desk clerk for help. Kirk goes into a supermarket and makes two checkers there laugh out loud as he tries to repeat Icelandic phrases back to them.
During this time, Frank is cocky and sure that he’s going to do well. He tells us he’s written lots of love poems before. He doesn’t want his to be too cutesy, so he’s really going to hunker down and get to work on this. Background Guy Chris N. finally speaks and tells us with his deer-in-the-headlights expression that he feels a lot of pressure with the assignment. I marvel that he has a voice at all. How is he still around?
Pixilated Pouch Craig is worried because he’s had very limited one-on-one time with Ali so far. He wants this date badly so he can see where he stands.
Now it’s time for the poetry readings to begin. Just because I love you all so much, I actually went and transcribed each poem word for word for you. That way, if you missed the show, you could judge for yourselves and see if you agree with whom Ali actually chose. And if you saw the show, you can relive fond memories of the incredibly moving words and emotions each guy created.
First up is Craig. Ahem…quiet please…the reading is about to begin…
“I’ve been working on my Icelandic
(unintelligible Icelandic words that end with the sound “-an”)
That means at the end of this journey
I want nothing more than to be your man.
I have a confession Ali
I made up that Icelandic and took a chance
I will do anything to win your heart
And end this journey with romance.”
Craig thinks he’s nailed it with this little creation. Ali’s smiling, but not overly-effusive. It’s the first guy, so I’ll reserve judgment, but that was pretty horrible stuff. (Sorry I am being so gruff, but I need to call Craig’s bluff. Have you had enough? C’mon, stay tough!)
Next up is poor Kasey, the guy who went from “What a nice-seeming guy with a weird voice!” to “Oh my god, will someone please get that girl a restraining order?”
He starts off strong, but super cheesy:
“Mind and heart as one thought
My body as cold as ice
But the belief in what’s to come
Transcends the doubt and becomes very precise”
Although a noble start, Kasey soon loses his mojo as he begins mumbling the words to the next part of his poem. Most of what he says isn’t understandable, and the producers even resort to putting subtitles under him to help us translate.
“I’m falling for you, Ali
And I want you to know
(the producers put up ???? for this next line since no one understands any part of it)
And I promise you, Ali, you’ll always have my
(then the producers subtitle the word CHEST? under him as he grabs his heart)
Ali looks totally confused and turns to the other guys with a look that seems to say, “Help me out here guys. Did you pick up ANY of what he’s saying to me?” Kasey thinks he nailed it. The other guys are shuffling their feet, giggling at the ground about how bad he was.
Chris L. from Massachusetts is up next. He’s wearing a really dumb-looking hat that looks warm. Before he even begins his poem, he tells Ali: “You have to try to take me seriously in this hat. Even though it’s goofy, I’m glad to have it!” and then gets this look of recognition on his face, like he thinks he just spontaneously made up a rhyme on the spot. Sorry, dude. Last time I checked, “hat” and “it” don’t really rhyme. Better luck next time. Here’s a dime. Go write something more sublime.
Next we cut to Justin “Rated-R”. Quiet on the set, please…
“Ali, when I look at you
You seem like you could be the one.
But if not, I don’t think my life will be much fun.”
So deep and moving, no?
Roberto is up next. He starts speaking in Icelandic, and Ali just looks befuddled. She has no idea what he’s saying.
We cut back to the real poem Chris L. wrote for Ali:
“I want to take you to meet the fam
(We all cringe inwardly here and repeat to ourselves, ”Please don’t rhyme fam with ham…please don’t rhyme fam with ham…”)
I’ll even make you some eggs and ham (Bingo! There it is. Truly sad.)
Two important things are (unintelligible Icelandic words)
I’m sorry but that’s the end of this because I can’t make a rhyme with that.”
Because, as we all know, good love poetry must rhyme, right?
Next up is Background Guy Chris N. It’s immediately apparent that he doesn’t have any paper in front of him. Chris N. knows he needs to impress Ali at this point, even though we all know he wasn’t going to win way back on the second episode. He puts on his patented deer-in-the-headlights look and begins:
“Ali, I believe we need to go out
Heat up Iceland, and head out…”
At this point he trails off and begins to falter. He’s obviously forgotten his words. The producers pipe in some music to really emphasize to us that this guy is a true dumbass. He looks off to the side in the hopes that someone can feed him the next line, but to no avail. It’s sink or swim here, Background Guy.
He pulls it together and continues in a voice that can only be described as catatonic:
“The bells that have been ringing out here today
Have brought me these thoughts that I need to say
I want to melt down some things like (unintelligible)…”
The dumbass music is still playing while Frank tells us that all the guys cringed watching Background Guy deliver his poem.
Background Guy continues:
“This is pretty…trust me…
…want to get to know you..
And…uh…I forgot the rest of my lines…”
Author! Author! Bravo! Bravo! Chris N…you just NAILED your big poem for Ali! What are you going to do now?
“I’m going to pack my bags, put my tail between my legs, and head back to Podunk nowhere and resume my life of obscurity while all the while being humiliated that my bad poem will follow me to the grave…”
Next up is Kirk. He takes a cue from Roberto last week, and instead of reading his poem to Ali from across the square, he walks up to her and reads it to her face. How did Roberto not think of that this week when it was his idea last week? Bad move, Latin Lover.
Kirk’s actually got a pretty decent poem written given he did it in only an hour in cold so bitter he may have iced off a testicle:
“Ali…Los Angeles is where
Our journey had begun.
And where I first noticed your adorable freckles
In the California sun.
Next, off to New York
And for the first time
I found myself falling into your rich, root beer eyes
The journey has now led us both somewhere cold
But it’s here in Iceland I’m hoping (complicated Icelandic that rhymes with “cold” and apparently means, “Our love will unfold.”)”
Ali immediately melts and gushes, “Awwww….” all syrupy. It’s a goofy moment, but it’s obvious from her reaction that Kirk is in the lead right now. And just to set the record straight, I don’t think I would ever advise comparing the woman you want to bed and wed’s eyes to a soft drink, nor would I recommend you calling out her freckles on national television. It worked for Kirk, apparently, but I would steer clear and leave those kinds of comparisons to the masters, n’k?
Last up we have Frank, who’s pretty confident he has the love poem skills it will take to win Ali’s heart:
“Some time ago
I traveled overseas
With the girl that I loved
She made me weak in the knees.
My heart has since broken (at this point he approaches her too)
My faith in love torn
Then I looked in your eyes
And new hope was born.
Again I’ll follow my heart
Because I trust it with you
You’re honest, you’re genuine, you’re sweet
And you’re kinda cute too
As they say here in Iceland
(unintelligible Icelandic that ends with an “-ense” sound)
And I wish I knew what that meant
Or even made sense.
Everyone smiles, and we can tell Ali really liked his poem too. So now it’s definitely between Kirk and Frank.
Chris Harrison makes a public apology to the Icelandic people for the butchering the guys just gave their language. Ali tells us it’s between Kirk and Frank, but she ends up giving the one-on-one date to Kirk since she hasn’t had any one-on-one time with him yet and she’s already skipped merrily down the emergency lane and made out under the Hollywood sign with Frank.
The One-on-One Date, or “Should We Call You Kirkette?”
We come back from commercial and immediately get a shot of a large phallic symbol building in downtown Reykjavik. Things are looking up for Kirk, huh?
Ali is sitting under a statue in a square and Kirk sneaks up behind her and surprises her with a tickle on the ribs. If that were me I would have decked him, but Ali’s nicer and gives him a big hug. Again, the poor things both look frozen to the core. Get these folks to Barbados or Hawaii or something! This is getting painful to watch.
Their date is exploring the capital. Their first stop is at a sweater shop to try on sweaters that match better with what the locals are supposed to be wearing (although if you look in the background of any shots on tonight’s episode, you’ll notice that not one native Icelander is wearing anything remotely resembling what these two yahoos are trying on.)
Kirk understands that men cross-dressing as women is always good for a laugh, and so he tries on a frilly, white half-sweater and pretends to model it for Ali. What a hoot. “I feel like I can bring my inner child out when I’m with her and that’s OK,” Kirk tells us. Um, Kirk, if your inner child wants to parade around in women’s clothes, that’s fine by me. But maybe you’re on the wrong show, my friend?
They both leave the store wearing the exact same outfit – matching sweaters and mufflers and hats. Kirk's masculinity level has now sunk to new lows. So cute these two. They feed some geese and Ali’s annoying laugh and giggle are back and they both say things like, “I feel like we’re a couple!” and “He’s so upbeat and positive!”
They sit down (still freezing outside!) and she asks him about his dating life. “I’ve dated some great women – people that I can’t say a bad thing about,” he says, which makes us wonder why Kirk breaks up and/or is dumped by such great people. Ali is concerned that he hasn’t dated anyone seriously for over a year. She feels like he’s keeping something back. We feel the set-up coming to some deep, dark secret that Kirk will be revealing later. Gasp! What could it be? He’s a nudist? He likes to wear women’s sweaters on the weekends? We can’t wait.
(Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank – or “Frank the Tank” as they all apparently call him for no reason – get the news that they will be attending the group date. This is a blow to Kasey, who now has to go up against Justin “Rated-R” in the dreaded two-on-one date where one will definitely be sent packing.)
Back on the one-on-one date, Kirk and Ali are now going to dinner at the only building in the entire country of Iceland that seems to have English words on the front: “Lobster House”.
Kirk immediately starts off a bit uncomfortable, and Ali senses that he’s been hiding something. Then he finally lets out his deep, dark secret. It seems Kirk was an all-American runner in high school and was the 8th fastest 1500-er in the United States. He moved to college and spent his freshman year in an old house that apparently caused him a lot of problems—the hair on his arms started falling out, he had short term memory loss, the left side of his body started going numb, his legs wouldn’t work, he lost 15 pounds, and he just felt all-around terrible. After some sleuthing, his mom figured out that the house he had been living in had been condemned as unlivable by the state due to asbestos contamination and “multiple mold overgrowths” (ew ew ew) Who knew?
All the while, Ali’s eyes keep bugging out further and further. Kirk is fine now, thankfully, but the whole ordeal has taught him a lot about the important relationships in his life and to prioritize what’s important. Kirk remembers back to the night he first met Ali when she told the guys that she was looking for someone to help make her a better person. She’s melting big time now and they make out at the dinner table.
“Kirk’s story is unbelievably inspiring!” Ali tells us, and then gives him the rose that’s sitting on the table. Not to take away from the pain and suffering I'm sure Kirk endured, but sob stories like this one always get the guys some play.
“Emotionally, I am 100% on board with her,” Kirk tells us, and we thank the gods that he didn’t add an extra 10% to that like Craig did last week. He says he feels so lucky and they hug some more. Close up on the candle behind Ali, fade to an exterior of the lobster house, and….scene.
But wait! It’s not time for a commercial yet! Back at the hotel, the romantic music has switched over to tense and angst-ridden as we see Kasey gazing forlornly out the window. Frank is trying to comfort him. Kasey goes on and on about how he has been a man, but that the emotional pain of all of this is getting to be too much for him. “I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer. I love to love and I love to share,” he pines. What cute chick from San Francisco can’t resist those lines? “If I get sent home, it’s gonna destroy me,” he predicts, and we just KNOW that he’s toast tonight. Let the Kasey meltdown begin in earnest after the break. We finish the scene with a close-up on his tattoo and his uncertainty about when he will show it to her.
The Group Date, or “Blacked Out Bottoms at the Blue Lagoon”
We come back to lots of shots of volcanoes and frozen tundra again. We see Ali standing there with what look like a pack of miniature horses. They definitely don’t look like ones you’d see on a dude ranch here in the U.S., that’s for sure. The poor girl looks absolutely frozen to the core now as she tells us that, “…group dates are always awkward.” Oh goodie! Then we can’t wait!
Ty, who is from the South, is of course loving the fact that this date involves horses. “Saddle up, partner!” he whoops, and shows Ali how to get on to her horse.
Frank is immediately jealous and is “…surprised he wasn’t tying lassoes.” Roberto is amazed that Ali knows how to ride a horse: “Everything that she does – she’s fearless!” he says, like riding miniature horses on the ice is a death-defying feat worthy of awe.
It’s obvious from the start that Chris L. from MA has no idea what he’s doing. His saddle is slipping off, his horse won’t listen to him, and he’s looking more and more pissed off. Ty jumps off to help Chris L. out, but this just makes Chris L. more bitter. I notice at this point that all the guys are wearing matching snowsuits. I dunno why that's important, but there you have it...
They arrive at what can best be described as a large hole in the ground. Ty does his best Ella impersonation and states, “We’re fixin’ to go in this cave!” and forgets that the whole Southern charm thing only got Ella so far with Jake last season. Ella got dumped at Sea World, dude. Sea World! And you're out in the middle of freakin' frozen nowhere with the chance to get left behind there. Time to tone it down, Ty.
(Back at the hotel we see a scheming Justin “Rated-R” wondering what he can do to one-up the fact that Kasey has a tattoo. Next, we see him at the doctor’s office having his cast sliced off and a boot put on. He talks all tough about competing with Kasey, and then we get a totally staged shot of him throwing his crutches into a garbage can. Not buying that for a second!)
Back at the cave, Ty is taking the lead making sure everyone is OK, which pisses them all off, but makes Ali like him all the more. Chris L. gets to be lowered down first. He’s so excited by that, he hits his head several times on the ice on the way down. He’s happy that Ali will be next and that they will get some alone time while they wait for the next guy to come down. Ali says her fingers are frozen, and Chris L. offers her his gloves. Such the gentleman.
After all the guys are safely down inside the cave, they go exploring wearing miner’s hats like the Seven Dwarves wore and holding lanterns like the ones Kasey and Ali used in the museum of Natural History back in New York City. I keep expecting them to round a bend and come upon an amazing ice cave or a glacier ice-fed deep blue pool, but I am sorely disappointed when after a few seconds they just appear out of another hole somewhere else. That was it?! They all just walked through a dark cave and flashed their lights everywhere? Lame. I hope that Ali at least pulled one of the hotter guys aside and got a cave quickie. Otherwise that was a wasted trip for all involved.
They come out just in time for a sunset, of course, and Ali tells us that “…so far on this date, Frank has been non-existent.” Ouch. That one’s gotta hurt. They sip hot tea sitting outside the exit to the cave. Ty says, “This has definitely been a dream date for sure!” which is a total lie. Since when is freezing your patootie off with five other guys buried down in an abandoned mine in the frozen wasteland of Iceland a “dream date?” Ken and Barbie have “dream dates” and this definitely does not qualify as one of those. Ali wants to know how they are getting out of there, which is a valid question given the horses aren’t here anymore. Um, anyone?
They must have hitched a ride, because the next scene is now at night and the group is walking amongst some giant, steaming pools of water. Ali all of a sudden pretends she’s a local and tells us this place is called The Blue Lagoon and that people believe the water has healing properties.
She starts stripping off her clothes, and we see she has a bikini on underneath. Apparently, someone has brought the guys’ suits too, because we see shots of them changing out of their snowsuits and into swimsuits. In one especially funny shot we see Pixilated Pouch Craig trying to change under a towel wrapped around his waist. He leans over to pull up his trunks, and the towel comes off, revealing his full lily-white ass. The producers have the common courtesy to put a giant black box over the offending anatomy and we all have a good laugh. For the record, this makes the second time that the producers have had to somehow hide Craig’s naughty parts. Chippendales, here he comes!
Once in the pool, Ali first asks Ty to go exploring with her. She tells him that she liked how he helped all day and he says his favorite part of the “journey” so far is right now. Bleah. Cheesy line. They hug and she gives him a kiss on the cheek, but no lip-lock for hunky Ty. Man, I think I would truly kill for his shoulders. Perfection.
Chris L. from MA gets the next alone time. Ali asks about his past relationships, and he admits that he’s always been the one to change to fit the girl instead of just being himself. He says he’s being himself now, and she says she likes that. They make out and she plays with his hair. Definite chemistry still between these two.
Meanwhile, Frank is over at the other pool with the other guys and he’s going crazy knowing that Ali and Ty are alone together. The producers pipe in fake sound bites of Ali’s laughing just to really drive home the point that poor Frank is being tormented by how much he hates this situation.
(And back at the room, a loud knock tells us it’s time for the delivery of the final Date Card tonight. Then I realize we never really got to see Date Cards for either of the other dates. Rip off! “Let’s explore the land of fire and ice!” the card says. Justin shows Kasey that his hand is twitching, which supposedly shows when his adrenaline is flowing at maximum. Kasey thinks Justin is being fake and “shady”. The tension mounts…)
Back at the pools, Ali has now paired off with Frank. Ali tells him that he never seems like he’s around on group dates. She’s always looking for him. He apologizes for having been so removed and pushes her hair behind one ear to emphasize his creepy point. “I need to be here for her,” Frank tells us. “I need to be one of those guys. I just hope she’ll forgive me,” like he accidentally ran over her dog or something. The horror!
We cut back to the pool and the whole group is there once again. We even see background Guy Chris N. for about a second and a half! Alert the media!
Ali picks up the rose and it looks all dead and wilted from sitting out in the frozen air mixed with steamy sulphuric water. “It’s like the Beauty and the Beast rose!” she complains, and I like her that much more for knowing a Disney reference. She, of course, gives the rose to Ty for being such a down home Southern gentleman during the whole date. “There wasn’t a moment this guy wasn’t there when I needed him,” Ali tells the group, and you can just see the knife that statement has twisted into Frank’s back. He’s back to the stalkerish looks. And fade to black…
The Two-on-One Date, or “If You Don’t Get to Hang in the Ice Cave, Get Ready to Be Stranded on a Glacier Alone”
Back at the hotel, Kasey is packing up his stuff while Frank gives him a pep talk and leans against the wall with his arms crossed, pushing his biceps out to make them look bigger. They both agree that Justin is a snake. Takes one to know one, Frank!
In Justin’s room, Kirk is there giving a similar pep talk, and Justin says he can’t wait for the date to start. “It’s gonna be exciting…thrilling…”
We cut to a shot of Ali waiting on the ice next to the ubiquitous helicopter. She immediately notices that Justin no longer has his crutches, which has got to bum out Kasey and steal some of his thunder around the new tattoo he’s waiting to show her. Kasey does end up getting the first hug, though, “Finally! I can hug you with two arms!” Justin enthuses. “He’s not here for Ali. He puts on a show,” Kasey tells us.
They take off and fly over an active volcano. There are some incredible shots of lava spewing out and steam pouring out everywhere. It’s again apparent that Ali has overcome her terrifying fear of heights. What gives? One date she’s clutching at Roberto for dear life, and now these last two episodes she’s been sitting in helicopters like it’s nothing.
“It’s about to get a little hot in here,” Ali warns, and just as Kasey has himself believing that they are about to have a threeway in the helicopter, it lands on the edge of the volcano. They get out, and it’s funny to see both Kasey and Ali helping Justin along with his walking. I thought Kasey hated this guy and would do anything to win? Why not just leave him to fend for himself the way Justin is about to do to him? Bad move.
Next, the helicopter takes them to the middle of a gigantic glacier and lands there. They walk down inside a really cool ice cave (THIS is what I was thinking the guys on the Group Date were rapelling down to find!) All of the furniture is carved out of ice and there are candles everywhere.
Ali first gets some alone time with Justin. We get hilarious shots of Kasey having to sit just outside the cave to wait his turn with Ali. Ali tells Justin that she knows the guys don’t like him and that she wants to find out more about him. He regrets showing her the t-shirt in such a public way the first night they met. Cut back to Kasey who is promising us he will “guard and protect” Ali’s heart. Shooters take your shots!
Kasey tells us he’s going to be himself, takes a sip from the mug he’s holding, and starts choking on whatever he was trying to swallow. Um, Ali? This guy also chokes on tea. Just lettin’ you know…
Now it’s time for Kasey’s one-on-one time with Ali and I do a spit take and laugh out loud when I realize that she’s coming out of the swanky cave to sit next to him. Kasey doesn’t rank high enough to get to talk to Ali in the cool cave? What’s up with that? It’s not Justin’s cave, it’s Ali’s, and she won’t share it with Kasey? This is looking bad. I flash back quickly to the guy Jillian stranded on the side of the railroad out in the frozen Canadian wilderness. Surely Ali couldn’t be so cruel as to try the same thing, right?
Back out in front of the cave, Kasey has been spewing stupid things like, “How do I prove my genuine heart?” and gives us one more “guard and protect”. Ali tells us, “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal,” and we all laugh out loud again since we know he’s about to flash her his crazy tattoo and reveal himself to be an official member of the Crazy Club to her.
Kasey is nervous as the time approaches to show Ali the tattoo. He tells her he got the tattoo, and Ali responds with, “What? When?” instead of, “Cool! Can I see?” which does not bode well for Krazy Kasey. “Your mom’s gonna kill you!” she says next. Strike two. “Thank you, Kasey, for being you. That’s all I can really ask for,” she ends with, and the third pitch is a swing and a miss. Kasey is most definitely out.
One interesting part of Kasey’s big “reveal” is that he says that there are eleven “studs” on the tattooed heart that each represent the guys who are left. Last week he called them “nails”. The way he all of a sudden threw out “studs”, I wonder if maybe Kasey is guarding and protecting the wrong gender? Just a thought.
For some reason, the three of them have to hike out into the middle of the glacier to hear Ali’s decision about which guy goes and which guy stays. This is such a foregone conclusion that I’m not sure why they went to all that effort. Why not just stay in the ice cave for this? Ali’s chilled and races through her canned speech to get to the dumping part.
Of course she tells Kasey that it’s bad news for him. She’s giving the rose to Justin. She thinks Kasey is really great and knows he is ready to meet someone (just not HER!) and that she doesn’t want to hold him back from unleashing all of his Krazy Kasey-ness on the world at large.
The best is yet to come, though, as we watch Justin take Ali into the helicopter. They get in, and we get shots through the window of a forlorn Kasey being abandoned on the glacier. The helicopter takes off without him and he waves sadly goodbye. Ali says it’s hard to celebrate with Justin knowing that she just left Kasey behind to suffer an icy death (or to be picked up by the show’s other helicopter and whisked back to a warm bed and hot chocolate back in town – whichever).
“I am 100% positive that I made the right choice today,” Ali tells us, but apparently she hasn’t been reading the spoiler sites and gossip rags about ol’ Justin “Rated-R’. More on that next week.
The Cocktail Party, or “Once a Dumbass, Always a Dumbass”
We start the party with Justin telling the rest of the guys about Kasey being abandoned on the glacier. “It’s definitely serious now,” he says. “Like, dudes, I totally hope we don’t go some place cold next cuz these chicks on this show like to leave us stranded in cold places.” Don’t hate. He could have said that, right? Fibber...
Frank steals Ali away first for some alone time. He’s making weird eye contact with her and holding her gaze for too long. It’s kinda creepy. He tells her that he’s learned a lesson about being there for Ali regardless of who else is on the date. He tells her, “You are a smart girl. That’s one of the most attractive things about you, honestly,” and she of course melts and starts making out with him. So I guess all you need to do to get to first base with Ali is compliment her on her smarts. They make out a lot.
Pixilated Pouch/Black Boxed Butt Craig is next. He’s nervous because he’s not sure where he stands with Ali. He’s one of the only guys left who hasn’t had a one-on-one date with her. He seems like a nice, genuine guy, but there’s something that’s still a bit Background-y about him. He does have a funny bit where he tells Ali that he wanted to do something to show her the way he feels about her, and rolls up his sleeve. She obviously thinks he’s gotten a tattoo too, but we find out that he’s just drawn a bad-looking heart with an arrow through it in the same place Kasey got his real one. “I love it!” Ali says excitedly. “That was awesome!”
Next up is stoner/deer-in-the-headlights Chris N. who blew his shot during the poetry reading by forgetting his memorized poem while dumbass music played in the background. Ali asks him to tell her one thing about himself that would surprise her, and he answers back that a long term friend once told him that he’s funny. Oh yeah...and he also likes Mexican food. Thus ensues a REALLY awkward couple of minutes where he looks at anything except her, she fiddles with her earring, and the music tells us that the producers once again want us to think he’s a dumbass.
During this whole fiasco, Kirk points out Ali’s body language while she’s with Chris N. He notices that she’s pulling away from him and keeping distance. The guys think that means Ali and Chris N. will just remain friends, nothing more. “They may do brunch once a year,” Kirk thinks and again pulls the zinger of the night for the second week in a row.
Chris N. and Ali do a very brief, distant hug and then Chris N. tells us he thinks it went well and that it all felt very natural to him. No wonder he’s single! There was nothing natural about any part of that whole interchange.
Chris L. from MA is up next and Ali asks him about where they’d live if they ended up together. He says he’d live anywhere for her and even goes so far as to say he’d be a garbage man in San Francisco if it meant being with her. This sounds so noble, but I’m guessing Chris L. hasn’t seen what Market Street looks like on a Monday morning. He may want to rethink his declarations of love before he utters them next time.
Chris L. says some really sweet things about his dad and what a great role model Dad was for being a good husband. They hug, but no lips for our guy Chris L.
Roberto takes Ali outside for their alone time, and they again have to don layers and layers of clothing to avoid the frostbite. They hug and he kisses her cheek. Then things take a weird turn. Ali thinks Roberto is too hot for her and asks him if he would have approached her in the “real world”. “Would you try to date me?” she wants to know.
Smooth Mover Roberto never answers this question outright. Instead he says that he’s really shy, which really means, “No…I wouldn’t have dated you unless you were a baseball groupie throwing yourself on me at every bar. Otherwise, your annoying laugh and fondness for canary yellow would have driven me way far away.”
Now the party is over and Ali is being interviewed by Chris Harrison. I think it’s hilarious that Chris sounds like he has a stuffy nose. Wasn’t Ali kissing on the guys in last week’s episode while she was supposedly dying from some creeping crud? And Chris Harrison ends up with the runny nose? Hmmm….I don’t want to start any rumors here, but I think that’s too important to be a coincidence, no?
Ali says that Iceland “…is INSANE!” whatever that means and tells Chris that she thinks Kasey “…fell in love with the idea of falling in love here. He made himself believe he was really falling for me. It didn’t feel good.” Wow, Kasey, that must be tough to hear. Can’t wait to hear your take on it during the reunion show.
Then things take another weird turn as Chris Harrison starts to psychoanalyze our girl Ali. He thinks that she’s afraid to fall in love. “What are you afraid if?” he wants to know. She won’t answer at first, but then eventually admits that she is terrified she won’t be loved back. This makes me think she’s going to choose Roberto in the end since he’s the only guy it seems she feels insecure around.
Through her deep, penetrating discussion with Chris Harrison, Ali comes to realize that she needs to put love above all else and not let fear be such a controlling factor in her life. Wow, Ali, you are such a fine, upstanding role model to millions of young girls wondering how they will traverse the rocky roads of romance in the future. Thank goodness they have women like you trailblazing the way forward.
The Rose Ceremony, or “Why Do We Even Need to Do This? Just Get Rid of Chris N. and Let’s Get Out of This Frozen Country and Get Our Butts to Freakin’ Turkey!”
Smoke rises from the mysterious pools again. We see that Kirk, Ty, and Justin are all safe with their roses securely pinned to their lapels. Ali has to send one guy home tonight since Kasey is already a frozen block of ice waiting out on the glacier to be unearthed in 10,000 years. It’s painfully obvious that it’s going to be Chris N. – the Background Guy who was edited to look like a cross between a stoner and a 7th grader in the two times we saw him tonight. An ice sculpture holds the roses Ali will dole out.
Frank gets the first one. She asks if he will accept the rose, and again he answers, “Of course I will, Ali.” Mark my words. Total creepo, this guy. Why say her name while you’re staring her directly in her eyes?
Chris L. from MA gets the next rose, and we get a shot of Chris N. looking bummed since he had a shot at it when Ali first started saying the name “Chris”.
She mispronounces row-BUR-to’s name again tonight, but gives him the next rose anyway, and now it’s down to Black-Bottomed Craig and Background Guy Chris N. No surprises here as the last rose goes to Craig.
Chris N. still has zero expression on his face. He walks over to say goodbye to Ali, gives her a quick peck on the cheek, and makes the Walk of Shame out to a waiting limo (Why do some guys get to ride in limos when they get dumped, but others have to settle for taxi vans? It never makes sense to me…)
“I’m a little shattered by this whole thing,” he tells us from the back seat of the limo. “She did miss out on a lot of things about me.” Like what, Chris N.? Like how well you can blend into any background? Like how peppy and fun your poetry reading turned out? Or maybe your scintillating cocktail party talk? Time to pack your bags, Chris N.
Next, we hear Ali announce that the group will be heading to Turkey, and again I will bet dollars to donuts that not one guy in that room could find Turkey on a map. In their minds they are all secretly hoping that Turkey is a much warmer climate so that they can start feeling their extremities again.
My favorite part of this scene is when Ali gets all knowledgeable about Turkey and tells the guys that they are “…supposably going to one of the oldest cities in the world.” Yup…you read that correctly. Ali uses “supposably” instead of “supposedly”. Sigh. Ali, you just lost like 100 Cool Points for that faux pas. What are you, six?
Previews for Next Week, or “Let’s Talk Turkey”
Next week guys will be wrestling with their shirts off, and Frank will freak out about what he’s feeling for Ali. Pretty standard fare. What looks even better, though, is the phone call we see Ali get where a woman’s voice tells her that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home. We see some ensuing drama between whichever guy it is and Ali. It gets so intense that Ali uses the “F” word and has to be bleeped. We can see her chasing the guy out a door and yelling, “Is this how you supposably want to be perceived?” after him. OK, so maybe she didn’t say supposably again, but she probably would have if she’d had the chance.
Closing Credits, or “Sorry About Your Small Penis!”
As the credits roll, we see the guys on the Group Date on their horses. They are making fun of the fact that Black-Bottomed Craig ended up with the smallest horse and that his feet are almost touching the ground. It is kinda comical to watch him bouncing along like Sancho Panza. For some reason, there is harmonica music playing – maybe to symbolize the “git along little doggie” aspect of this scene? I dunno. Then Craig waxes wise and tells the audience, “It’s not the size of the horse, it’s how you use it,” which answers everything we need to know about why his crotch was pixilated at the beach photo shoot.
In Memoriam, or “Since No One Ever Makes Comments About Ali’s Clothes Except for Me, I’ll Try Something New This Week”
Since Ali spent almost this entire episode in layers and layers of snow clothes, I’m not going to do a wardrobe check this week (although the little sparkly tiara hair band she wore in most of her interviews tonight was totally cute and the dress she wore at the cocktail party was too spangly on the shoulder).
Instead, I would like to devote this part of the blog to the memory of Jake and Vienna’s relationship. Many of you have read the news that they officially announced their split earlier today. Honestly, no one was surprised. She held on long enough to make it seem like she was happy to be sitting at Dancing with the Stars for weeks on end and make Jakey Boy look good. But the lure of the swampland and selling peanuts on the roadside like her mother does proved too strong for Vienna, and they are now officially Splitsville.
RIP yet another failed Bachelor/Bachelorette relationship. What is it about this show that makes so many of the “winning” couples break up so soon after the show ends? Could it be the faked storylines? The contrived dramas? The fact that there’s no way to really fall in love with anyone in four weeks of taping with cameras constantly at your side? The world may never know, but let’s all have a moment of silence for Jake and Vienna. Hopefully she can bounce back and make her Papa proud by spreading her legs for Penthouse soon, and maybe he can give it another go with a real quality girl who won’t give him diseases on his bits and pieces like Vienna probably did. I wish them both the best.
See you next week! Please don’t forget to join After the Rose on Facebook if you’d like more regular Bachelor/Bachelorette updates. Hope to see you there!
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