Rizzo, Speedos, and Patrick Dempsey

Welcome back for another installment of the After the Rose Bachelorette blog. Last week we got introduced to the guys vying for Ali’s affections and got to make some first impressions. This week, the true colors really started coming out. This game is most definitely on!

There is a lot to cover this week, but I wanted to point out a new feature of the blog this week. Many of you comment on (or want me to comment on!) what The Bachelors and/or Bachelorettes are wearing. So, newly added this week I have included a section at the end where I will recap everything Ali wore. Any suggestions for a new name for this part? Ali’s Accoutrements? Bachelorette Bloopers? I welcome your suggestions.

Also, before we start with the recap of this week’s show, I have to comment on Ali’s giggling and laughing. It was incessant throughout the premiere and I forgot to mention it last week. I’m not sure if the producers have told her to play up the sweet, young thing role or if she really does just respond with that constant, annoying laughter at all times. It doesn’t seem to matter if she’s in a group of guys, on a one-on-one, or being interviewed alone. The noise is always there. I’m not sure that the guy she ends up choosing really gets what he’s in for with our girl Ali.

OK…that’s out of the way. Now let’s dive into the fun…

The First Date of the Night

Chris Harrison (who is opting for the casual look for this scene by wearing just an open-collared shirt with no tie or jacket) leaves the first date card with the guys.  It ends up being for Frank – the guy who lives with his folks and writes screenplays, but who told Ali he used to live in Paris. He doesn’t wear his glasses in all of the scenes tonight, and I think he looks better without them. That bad front tooth is still totally distracting, though.

It’s nice to see that the flunkie who writes all of the lame Date Cards is back this season as Frank reads: “All signs point to love. – Ali” Well producers, since you just showed us shots of Ali and Frank up at the Hollywood “sign” in the previews for tonight, I’d say it’s a pretty good bet that that’s where Frank is heading for his one-on-one time.

Ali picks him up in a classic, baby blue convertible with tail fins, and all the other guys are jealous. In a fun turn of events, Ali drives the car while Frank makes lame, frat boy rocker symbols with his fingers out of the top as if to say, “This kicks ASS that I’m being driven in a bitchin’ car by a hot chick and not in my parents' basement trying to write a lame screenplay. I win!”

What happens next is so faked that it feels painful to watch it all unfold. Frank tells us that “Nothing could ruin this date. What could go wrong?” and right on cue the producers pipe in sputtering sounds of the dying car engine. Oh no! Something is wrong with the car! On a busy freeway no less! The helicopter overhead makes sure that we get a shot of the busy L.A. freeway just to make sure we truly understand the imminent peril in which Ali and Frank have found themselves.

Did anyone else think it was fishy that they “happened” to break down right in the middle of a sweeping, busy freeway where the helicopter could capture not only their misery, but also the vistas of L.A., greenery, and mountains? It’s not even a little bit suspicious that they didn’t break down on a tree-lined street that had no visibility from above? I’m just sayin’.

The next thing that makes this whole scene totally bogus is that we see Ali pulling over to the emergency lane as the car sputters and dies, but then next we cut to a shot of them in the second lane over from the right and stuck in traffic again! Go back and check it out yourself. There is a camera in the back seat and it’s very clear that they are no longer in the emergency lane. How did the car miraculously come back to life and move a lane into traffic?

Ali and Frank do what any self-respecting couple would do who stall on the freeway during rush hour traffic – they walk away and “try to find help”. You mean to tell me that with the obviously three or four cameras trained on them plus the helicopter in the sky, that they are forced to find their own help? I know that Ali and the guys are not allowed to carry cell phones, but isn’t there a producer along for the ride who can call for them? The helicopter pilot can’t call the CHP? This whole thing is so staged that Liza Minelli tried out for a role in it. Fake fake fake.

Then to add insult to injury, the happy couple apparently just walk off the freeway, hail a taxi, and head to their original destination sans convertible. Problem solved! Do not try this at home, kids. Who in their right mind walks down a freeway like that happily holding hands? Nuts.

Ok…the last faked part that I will harp on about this date – gaining access to the Hollywood sign. Ali tells Frank that almost no one gets to be up there to see the sign so closely, which I assume is true. But then after we see her undoing the huge lock and chain on the fence a la Mission Impossible, we plainly see a trail is there. I’m guessing thousands of people have been up on that same hillside before Ali ever got there if there is already a trail there, right?

It is actually pretty cool for us to see the sign so close up too. I hadn’t realized the letters were that big. Frank finally starts to show Ali his true colors when he tells her he only lived in France for a month and a half and never learned how to speak French, and that now he manages a retail store (shine wearing off of this one yet, Ali?)

Frank scores the first make-out session of the season, and I laugh when they show the two of them standing in front of one of the L’s on the Hollywood sign. “L” is for loser, and without giving away any spoilers, Frank is a big one.

For some reason Ali takes him up to Makeout Point to finish off the date. It looks like the same place where they filmed Grease, and I half expect Rizzo and Kenickie to be going at it hot and heavy in the back seat right next to our Bachelorette duo. Instead of that, though, we get Ali and Frank cuddling and eating and making out some more on the hood of their car. She likes him because he’s funny and quirky, and he says he thinks they already have amazing chemistry.

I laugh as they do the interviews with Ali during this segment. For some reason they have her positioned in front of what looks like electrical boxes at a construction site. Maybe they are at the side of the freeway waiting for the tow truck? I dunno, but why choose that for a backdrop when you could have had the view from the Hollywood sign?

All in all, we end up liking Frank for the most part. Ali seems into him and gives him a rose, but I wonder what will happen when she hears the actual story about his life and I wonder why he didn’t just spill it at the outset.

Group Date Fun!

The fun and frivolity back at the bachelors’ house is interrupted by a (pretend, edited in) knock at the front door. My face blanches. What happened to the chimes of doom they have been piping in during all of the last seasons? Is the doorbell broken at this new place? Is it more manly to knock? Is the doorbell too dainty? Couldn’t they have wired up the bell to play Iron Maiden or Pink Floyd or some other “dude” music? Where’s the love for the chimes, people?

The guys read another winning Date Card that says: “Picture us together!” Ooo…our minds are abuzz with the possibilities (although actually they are not, since in the previews we saw some guys at a photo shoot, and you take “pictures” at a photo shoot and…nevermind…)

We get some great scenes with Patrick Dempsey’s brother (AKA Craig M. with the perfectly gelled hair) getting into it with young, hot, tattooed Jesse. They start bickering in the kitchen with Craig M. baiting Jesse and Jesse looking like it’s taking all of his strength not to belt the guy in the nose and break his contract with the show of no physical violence of any kind against anyone. We get that Weather Guy Jonathan also is not a big fan of Craig M. “He’s just no good,” he tells us.

This Patrick Dempsey guy is obviously some sort of plant. No one acts like that in the real world. It’s too much. But it sure is fun to watch!

All of the guys chosen for the Group Date end up at the beach, and Ali and some supposedly-famous photographer tell them that they will be posing for a sexy guy calendar for charity. Unfortunately, “Rated-R” wrestler Justin misses most of this since he is still hobbling across the sand on one foot and almost falling so he can play the sympathy card. For her part, Ali is so excited apparently, that she forgets how to pronounce Salma Hayek’s name. Strike Two with Spanish pronunciations, Ali.

OK…so this part will seem more shallow than usual (even for me!) but did anyone else notice that all of the guys who seem to have the hottest bods all ended up either not being shown or in long board shorts, and all the guys who are less “hot” were the ones who ended up in the Speedos? Don’t get me wrong, I wish I had the body of most of those guys, but really…you put a Speedo on Weather Guy but not on those other hotter-than-hot guys? Even the jerk guy Patrick Dempsey/Craig M. has an awesome, ripped bod that they teased us with, and they just showed him chomping on a lame cigar with a jacket draped over him.

On the other hand, sweet, but dorky and not-ripped Craig R. has a brightly-colored Speedo on that shows that he actually has no pouch poking out at all. Poor guy. It looks totally flat down there. Later they cut to him again in another shot and his pouch area has been pixilated! What was going on there?!

I guess the producers want us to buy the calendar to see the hottest guys, but they could have at least given us a teaser last night. Weather Guy looked better than I thought, but he certainly was not one of the hottest on that beach by a longshot! Bring on the beefcake! We wanted more!

Other notable parts of this segment were Weather Guy wearing a duck inner tube around his waist to hide his “junk” (his word), someone telling one of the guys to pull out his prop telescope to make it “erect”, a giddy tug-of-war with all the guys way too hidden and covered up, and a schmaltzy song from Ty while Ali sits and listens to him. I mean really…how do you keep from laughing when you have to sit that close to someone singing something so painfully bad? Why do these ladies always fall for the guitar guys?

And for anyone who’s interested, here’s the link for where you can buy the calendar for your very own:

http://www.wbshop.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-WB-Site/default/Page-Show?cid=Bachelorette_Calendar&src=PABC

I laughed when I saw that it contains “inside stats on the men trying to win Ali’s heart”. Because it’s really important to know when Weather Guy’s birthday is or that Roberto’s favorite color is teal or that Craig M. likes long walks on the beach and unicorns. I don’t plan on buying one for myself, but if any of you do, post a review for us here so we can live vicariously and have some fun with it!

That night, Ali hosts the bachelors at a swanky club and gets some one-on-one time with some of them. This part of the season is kinda painful to watch since we know there are twelve guys there, but four or five of them get no airtime whatsoever and so we know that they will be nothing on this show. They are what I call the “background guys” since that’s where they basically stay for the whole series until Ali boots them out. If they were worth knowing, we would know them by now.

She has some alone time with Ty, the guitar singer, who tells us he’s divorced, and we SO hope he doesn’t turn into Tenley from last season and won’t start telling us over and over how his divorce has damaged him.

During this time, Craig M. is shooting devil looks at Weather Guy, who ends up with the line of the night when he says that Craig M. is “…a Category Six a**hole!” and then tells us he knows martial arts. Grunt grunt. Man fight on!

Weather Guy interrupts Ty’s alone time with Ali to let her know that Craig M. is “dangerous” and then starts venting on and on about him. All the while I am very aware that he has not once asked Ali how she is or made an effort to get to know her when he knows he’s going to get interrupted at any moment. Then they do this gross cutaway to him enthusing over and over how hot Ali is tonight. He even does Roger Rabbit “ah-oo-gah!” eyes to press his point. We get it Weather Guy. You got the hots for her. Down, boy, down. Helpful hint, Weather Guy…if you’d like a hot woman to be interested in you, it’s usually best to focus on HER from the get-go and not another crazy dude.

Then Weather Guy calls Craig M. “an egomaniacal jerk-off” and I am floored that people are now allowed to use the word “jerk-off” on network primetime television. Remember back in the day when it was controversial that M*A*S*H used the word “ass”? How far we’ve come as a nation, huh? It makes one so proud to be an American. It was said three times on last night’s episode.

Country-singin’, guitar-playin’ Ty gets the rose on this date, and I wish we could have seen HIM in a Speedo. He’s way hotter than Weather Guy.

Last Date of the Show

A roar from the crowd is heard when, back at the mansion, the familiar doorbell sound is at last heard! I’m not sure how they manage to have the exact same doorbell sound on every series of the Bachelor and Bachelorette. Oh, wait…I DO know. It’s a sound effect they edit in to mask the fact that no one can hear the doorbell every season over all the drinking and carousing going on in the house.

So Jesse gets the last one-on-one date of the show. He’s the guy that Patrick Dempsey was harassing earlier in the kitchen. Jesse is a tall, tattooed, muscled stud of a muffin, but he’s also very young-seeming and naïve. He tells us that he had to buy his first suit ever for the show.

Ali meets him at a smallish airport and tells him that they’re going away to Las Vegas. She’s freaked because she still hates flying (seems even ol’ Jake couldn’t cure her of that!) This is the part of the show where the Bachelor(ette) gets over-excited about how their date kept them feeling safe and secure. “I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been by my side!” Jake said it to Vienna after they bungee-jumped. Jill said it to Ed. So Ali is safe and secure flying backwards with Jesse. Oh yeah…did I mention that they are sitting in backwards seats during the whole flight? What was up with that? They are getting whisked away in a swanky private jet and they can’t even sit forwards to watch the view?

They get off the jet and every guy’s dream is sitting there in front of them – a bright, red Ferrari! Jesse joins the ranks of bummed out dudes, though, when Ali makes it clear that she will again be driving. For my part, I can’t wait to see the Ferrari break down in the desert and watch as they survive eating cactus leaves and road kill until rescue comes. I’ll bet Ali is wishing she hadn’t dumped the Mountain Man at this point, huh?

The car gets them into the heart of Vegas and they get to christen some new pool area at one of the resorts. That must have been pretty weird since I assume all of the hotel rooms look out over this pool area. How many hundreds of people were staring down at their every move?

They frolic in the pool, eat oysters suggestively (which he says would have tasted like sh** if they hadn’t had lemon on them. He’s right…) and then head out for a formal dinner in some sort of sky view room that is basically floor to ceiling windows looking out over all of Las Vegas.

I start to worry about Sexy Jesse as I realize he is not asking Ali one question about her. He’s only talking about himself, like the young, naïve guys do on this show. She hugs him at the table, which I think is a sure sign that he’s a goner, but then she tells us that she thinks that he’s sincere, so maybe there’s hope. She ends up giving him the rose, and we hope that there will be lots more of Jesse with his shirt off before he gets left in the Canadian wilderness on the side of the train tracks.

They go to some exclusive club, and some guy named Jamie Callum is playing “just for them”. I have no idea who Jamie Callum is, and even perusing his Wikipedia entry doesn’t help me at all. My guess is he’s like Johnny Depp or Prince. Straight women LOVE them, but the rest of us just sit there and scratch our heads. They slow dance to the music and I can’t help thinking that this is probably the same club where Lindsay Lohan, the Olson twins, and Britney Spears probably all blow it out every weekend. Ah…if those floors could only talk.

And with the visions of washed-up Hollywood starlets hurling on the dance floor clearly etched in our heads, we bid a fond farewell to Ali and Sexy Jesse.

The Cocktail Party

Ali makes it a point of first meeting with two of the guys who had not had dates this episode. First up is Chris L. who makes all sorts of stupid jokes at first to make sure Ali knows that he hasn’t gone on any dates with her yet. She knows, big guy. She’s been on those dates without you too. He talks about how close he is to his brothers, Ali says she’s glad they got the chance to chat (even though it was for less than 30 seconds), and he starts to well up as he tells us, “I was melting!” talking to her. Awww…we still like this guy even though we are totally over the lame Massachusetts references.

Next up is Roberto, who also didn’t get a date this episode. She tells him he’s very handsome (which he is) and he tells her he used to play baseball. They even go outside for a game of catch. He’s brought along a couple of gloves. He teaches her how to throw a knuckleball and says strong feelings are starting to stir up inside of him.

One thing I have noticed this entire episode is that whenever Ali and a date get up from sitting down, the camera lingers on their spot for a second or two before we cut to the next scene. I’m not sure why they do it or even why I noticed it, but it kept happening over and over last night. This interaction with Roberto was no exception. (And, for the record, the other thing I notice this episode is that in every sweeping vista of Los Angeles, every billboard is pixilated out since ABC doesn’t want to give free advertising to companies and/or those companies wouldn’t be caught dead supporting a show like The Bachelorette. The notable exception, though, is the giant billboard for The Princess and the Frog that is not blurred out because Disney owns ABC.)

Next up is creepy-voiced Kasey. He’s the one with the voice that sounds like it’s coming from behind his nose and who promised to “protect and guard” Ali’s heart not once, but twice last week. I found out from a friend of a friend who went to high school with him that he doesn’t sound anything like that in real life, so I’m not sure what gives with the weird voice on camera.

Kasey embarrasses himself and everyone he went to high school with by telling Ali, “You look absolutely imaginary!” Huh? What exactly does that mean, Kasey? Did you mean to tell her she looks like a dream? Cuz that’s not really what you just said.

Meanwhile, tension is building in the other room between Patrick Dempsey and Weather Guy. They go back and forth calling each other out. True, Patrick Dempsey is being a true jerk, but Weather Guy needs to grow a pair. I loved watching the other guys smirking while these two went at it over and over. We had interviews with guys who told us they weren’t going to get involved, of course.

At one point in the back and forth, the producers cut to a shot of Patrick Dempsey and for some reason there is a giant Costco-sized tub of mustard behind him on the bookshelf – the type with the big, white pump on top. I don’t know why I noticed that or what it was doing there, but there ya go.

Ali pulls Weather Guy aside and he again gets way too twitchy about Patrick Dempsey and tells her “I hate gossip,” while all the while gossiping away. Ali’s looks during this scene are great. She knows this guy is nuts.

Now Ali finally calls in Craig M./Patrick Dempsey to get to the bottom of all of the drama. He answers her with crazy eyes and these weird sniffs at the end of most of his sentences. When she looks at him, he keeps looking away, and she calls him on it. She tells him his legs are crossed, his body is leaning away from her, and that he hasn’t asked her one question about her. She ends the talk by telling him that someone called him “dangerous” and he laughs it off.

Apparently, though, the “dangerous” comment rubbed Craig M. a bit too much the wrong way. When he finishes with Ali, he calls all the guys into one room together to ask them all who told Ali that he was dangerous. No one will cop to it, so he calls out Weather Guy. Weather Guy gets all wimpy and sullen so Patrick Dempsey knows that he’s the one who made the comment. They go back and forth with all the other guys looking uncomfortable, and all I can think of is, “Where’s Ali? Did they all just leave her alone out on the patio?” This is a poorly edited piece. We need some explanation of where Ali is if all the guys are together in one room. She doesn’t just show up at a cocktail party with 18 guys and sit alone outside.

Patrick Dempsey and Weather Guy continue the he said/he said bit for a long while, and now I’m just tired of it. Yet another example of how the producers manufacture drama on this show. It was entertaining and fun for a bit, but then it jumped the shark and just started getting annoying and out of place.

As we fade to commercial, Weather Guy makes this ominous prediction: “If Craig M. gets a rose tonight, I will know for sure there is no god.”

The Rose Ceremony

The most noticeable thing about this ceremony is how many guys have giant zits and abrasions on their faces. Tyler V. looks like he has road rash on his forehead, and you can tell the makeup people more than earned their salary that day trying to cover up whatever Weather Guy has growing all over his face.

Not too many shockers here. Kasey/Weird Voice “Protect and Guard” gets the first rose. Next up is Hunter (who?) Roberto is next, and then Chris L. from Massachusetts. Wicked awesome. Go Pats.

Justin “Rated-R” played his crutches gambit well this week and gets the next rose followed by some guy named Steve. There’s a Steve on this show? Huh? No airtime at all, poor guy. Kirk gets the next rose and I have no idea who he is either. John C. is up next, but DJ and I both thought we heard Ali say “Chauncy” instead of "John C." and laughed. No idea who that guy is so we laughed harder.

Craig R. with the flat Speedo pouch gets to stick around and then another nobody – Chris R. – also gets the good news. So it’s basically down to Weather Guy, Patrick Dempsey, and a few other guys we have no clue about.

And the last rose goes to….drum roll…Weather Guy!

Tyler V. (Road Rash Face guy) didn’t see it coming and is all teary eyed in his bad-fitting David Byrne suit. Patrick Dempsey thinks Ali missed a huge opportunity by letting him go, but he hopes to bump into some young lovelies on the plane ride home. He tells us this while looking down at his crotch. Nice. He also can’t leave without one last jab at Weather Guy: “You can’t be taken seriously with someone shorter than you.”

A couple of other guys left too, but we didn’t know them so it doesn’t matter.

Previews

Next week we get to see the latest in the string of tired, old acts trying to make comebacks on this show as Barenaked Ladies play for Ali and her date and hope that everyone remembers If I Had a Million Dollars. And all you Barenaked Ladies fans better back off. If they are so cool and popular, what are they doing on the same show as a Peter Cetera-less Chicago and some guy named Jamie Callum? I rest my case.

Next week looks like an episode where the guys and Ali will be shooting some sort of video where she gets to kiss on some guys more than others and the ones not kissing get all bent out of shape. She jumps off something with Roberto and feels “safe and secure” and after he goes to her house without the other guys knowing, Justin “Rated R” breaks down and cries in silhouette about something.

As the credits roll we get Patrick Dempsey doing some sort of pirate imitation with one eye weirdly closed and saying, “Arrrr….” If that’s the best they can do this year, I say bring back Tenley and Vienna. They were way funnier!

Fashion Update

So, as promised, here are some thoughts about what Ali wore last night. I’ll rank them on a scale from one rose to four with four roses being the highest.

On her first date with Frank, Ali was rocking the canary yellow tank. She seems to go back to this color again and again, and I think it’s a good one for her.  And it certainly came in handy so that no one would crash into her skipping down the emergency lane on the L.A. freeway. Three-and-a-half roses for the return to her yellow roots and her foresight in wearing an easily visible color.

On the nighttime portion of her date with Frank (up at Makeout Point), Ali reinforces my visions of Grease by wearing a faux-leathery jacket that has lots of vertical zippers on it. I’m not really liking this wannabe greaser look. It worked better on Slutty Sandy at the end of the movie. One rose.

The next day for the beach photo shoot, Ali is a dead ringer for Britney Spears pre-emotional meltdown. Am I the only one noticing the resemblance? She is smokin’ hot in a bikini top and very low-slung khaki cargoes. She definitely is trying to go for the sexy look here instead of the sweet or tough look, and it totally works. Four solid roses.

At the end of the beach date, Ali and the guys are frolicking gaily in the surf and Ali has donned a canary yellow cover-up over her bikini. Again, cute, but I didn’t see enough of the entire outfit to rate it.

On her Las Vegas swim date with Jesse, she has on a hot pink bikini with a wrap-around sarong, and looks great. Three-and-a half roses.

But later on that night, during her Sky View date, she attempts to go for the Grace Kelly look, and it ain’t working. Her hair is swept up nicely and she’s all sparkly, but she has again chosen a dress that makes her butt look bigger than I think it really is. All the shots of her from behind made her look pretty wide. The sparkly stuff at her neck was pretty, though. Beautiful hair. Two-and-a-half roses.

At the cocktail party she has on an ivory-colored mini dress that is flattering on her. It’s a bit too short for how formally the guys are dressed, but this is The Bachelorette. And if she didn’t slut it up just a bit we’d all be bummed, right? Three roses here.

So that’s it Bachelorette fans. Hope you found something fun and/or entertaining in all of that. It’s nice to see some new faces on here commenting and emailing. Don’t forget that if you’re on Facebook you can “Like” my group “After the Rose” and get in on even more conversation if you’d like. It’s only fun with lots of people, so come join us!

Catch you next week!