Spanish Rap Songs, Louise Jefferson, and Cobblestoned Butts -- Must Be Another Episode of The Bachelorette!

Welcome back, Rose fans! We’re off and running with the new season, and although it’s been highly entertaining so far, I have to say that I’m a little disappointed with the storylines. So far this season seems like a carbon copy of Jake’s season: someone in the house everyone hates and thinks is there for the wrong reasons…check, extreme sport date with added bonus first kiss while hanging in the air…check, crazy contestant who gets way too jealous way too soon…check. I really hope some new stuff comes around this season to shake things up a bit. At this rate Ali will follow Jake's lead and narrow it down to Justin “Rated-R” and Ty “I’m divorced!” and end up engaged to an entertainment wrestler. I guess it could be worse, though. Vienna ended up engaged to the guy who came in 6^th or 7^th on Dancing with the Stars. Oh wait…that’s the same thing, right? Anyway…on to the action…

First Date of the Night, or “I Bet I Can Come Up with More Falling Metaphors and Similes Than YOU Can!”

Chris Harrison delivers the first Date Card tonight and it’s notable that one of the guys is not wearing a shirt. These things are just getting more and more casual, no? He warns the guys that time with Ali is short. If they get any time with her, they need to take full advantage of it (For you newbies, this show assumes the average IQ of its viewers is 12 and so this is the way they foreshadow that one guy is going to totally blow his time with Ali. More on that later…)

“Love is a balancing act – Ali,” the Date Card says. This first date goes to Roberto, and he’s all smiles. Ali drives up in a black sports car, but they are actually going to be helicoptering to their destination. She’s still freaked out to fly, and so she clutches on to him the whole time and makes sure we know that he’s making her feel safe with his “manly and protective” ways. Like Roberto could protect her from anything if that helicopter suddenly decides to lose a rotor and plummet to the L.A. freeway below.  We also see her mouth the words “Holy sh**!” at one point, so she’s not all sugar and spice, this girl.

They land on what looks like a skyscraper in downtown L.A., but we later find out it’s only twenty stories high. Ali points out that they are on top of one skyscraper, but that their dinner is over on another skyscraper as if Roberto couldn’t see this for himself as they came in for a landing.

They have to hook themselves up to all sorts of ropes and lines and walk across two tightropes to get to the dinner. Both ask each other, “Are you ready to fall for me?” which is supposed to be ironic since they are walking between two tall buildings, but just comes off as stupid and repetitive since Jake and Vienna said the exact same thing to each other last season before they jumped off that bridge tied to a bungee cord.

We get lots of shots of feet wiggling and shaking and swooping camera angles that make it look like they are way higher than they really are and that they are about to fall even though they are strapped to every safety device known to mankind.. At one point Roberto stops and tells Ali he wants to give her something. The uninitiated wonder what he could want to give her way up there, but those who saw last season groan as we realize he’s going to give her a kiss just like Jake did to Vienna hanging upside-down after their bungee jump.

As they inch their way across the lines, we get cutaways to interviews with them both saying lame things like Ali’s most-repeated line of the season so far: “He makes me feel safe in scary situations!” For his part, Roberto tells us that this stunt is a lot like married life: “(Married) life is challenging and there will be obstacles to overcome,” he says, like walking across this tightrope is the same as erectile dysfunction and in-laws.

Two things I notice about Roberto. First, in many of his interviews he folds his arms across his chest in such a way that it pushes his biceps out to make them look bigger. Second, he has weird blocks taken out of the top corners of each of his eyebrows. It isn’t a straight line across. I wonder if he had some manscaping done before the show and it went horribly wrong? Not that it damages his looks in the least. Roberto is a hottie by any standards.

They make it to the other side, of course, (Wouldn’t it be funny if one season they really did plummet to their deaths? And...scene...) and watch a sunset. Roberto lays on the moves when he tells Ali, “I really hope to watch a lot more of these with you.” Cue slow jazz…

In the next scene, it’s dark, and the dinner portion of their date has begun. The first thing I notice is that Ali has changed clothes! When did THAT happen? More importantly, WHERE did that happen? She’s on top of a twenty-story building, fer cryin’ out loud. Maybe she hopped back into the helicopter and changed there? More likely, I’m gonna guess that they got her down into the building and she changed there, then came back up.

The date goes really well. Roberto can speak lots of languages and seems like a bright, intelligent guy whose at home on top of a tall building. Ali unintentionally disses him when she says that she likes how cultured he is and that he “surprised her in a good way,” which is Bachelorette code for, “I had you pegged for a dumb ex-baseball player with no life experience other than bedding baseball groupies.”

Ali says she feels like she’s not pretty enough for how handsome he is, and she’s probably right. They lie on what looks like a bed (a BED?! On top of a twenty-story building?! I’m not even gonna ask…) and cuddle and intertwine hands and fingers. Lots of chemistry happening.

Of course, the moment is ruined for us when we break out into gales of laughter as Ali tries to speak some Spanish. If it weren’t bad enough that she tells Roberto the line she’s about to use she learned from a Spanish RAP SONG (who admits that to someone as hot as Roberto?), Ali then goes and tries to say, “Dáme un beso,” and points to her mouth. I actually had to replay this scene a couple of times to understand what she was saying, and I’m fluent in Spanish.

Ali of course gives Roberto the rose at the end of the date, and they both tell us they are into the other one. Things are looking good for Roberto right now. He’s achieved frontrunner status for sure.

Group Date, or “How to Make Frank Go to His Crazy Place and Make Weather Guy Cry”

Meanwhile, back at the guys’ house there is a knock at the door. Sigh…no scary doorbell sound. It’s the Date Card for this week’s group date. “Come rock my world!” the card says. I’m getting tired of making fun of these cards already (and you probably are too), so whenever one comes for the rest of the season imagine me rolling my eyes and looking away uncomfortably as they are read out loud over-eagerly. Got that image? Good. Now I don’t have to talk about it any more.

Kirk (blonde guy), John, Chris N. (one of the Background Guys), Frank (glasses guy who lives with his parents), Jonathan (Weather Guy), Craig (pixilated Speedo pouch guy), Justin (“Rated-R”), Jessie (hot-bodied guy who went on the Vegas date last week), and Chris L. (“wicked awesome” from MA) are all selected. The guys who don’t get selected look all forlorn on the couch. Weird-voiced Kasey is especially bummed because he “…wanted to share my voice with her,” and it takes me several moments to process all that this sound bite entails. I’m guessing that the world is a much better place for not having heard Kasey sharing anything to do with his voice.

All the guys pile into a stretch limo which deposits them in what looks like the skanky warehouse district of L.A. There are vacant lots with weeds growing in them and several shots of the cement rivers that funnel water around L.A. In what I have to assume is yet another homage to Grease, I picture Danny Zuko and the Crater Face guy tearing down the cement in their souped-up jalopies while Olivia Newton-John sings longingly in her bobby-sox. But I digress…

The guys soon find out that they are about to be in a video for the Barenaked Ladies’ song You Run Away. The band is there playing the new single and obviously lip-synching. No group sounds like that playing out in a vacant lot next to a freeway overpass. I already mentioned last week that it’s a sign of how washed up this band is that they need to play this show, but if this gets them more album sales, then more power to them!

Before they shoot the video, we get some shots of just how bad the guys are at dancing. It’s super embarrassing to watch them gyrate to the lip-synch. Paging Elaine Bennis…Elaine Bennis…

Oh…and was anyone else noticing all of the really bad sunglasses many of the guys were wearing? They were all over this date. Particularly bad were the all-white ones that one of the Background Guys was wearing.

Frank gets interviewed and we laugh as he makes the “deep” connection that the song they are going to be doing the video for is actually about what they are going through. “It’s so relevant to what we’re going through right now.” Um…yeah, Frank. What kinds of screenplays does this guy write anyway? I’m guessing they are not too deep. OK. Moving along…

I’m happy to see the heavy guy from previous episodes back playing the part of the director on the video shoot. He barks orders at all of the guys and then hands them each a little piece of paper which apparently has their specific scene on it. The guys all compare penis sizes scenes to see who gets the most naked kissing time with Ali. It turns out that Weather Guy has scored what they all think is the “best” scene with plenty of kissing and general touching of tongues.

Frank (glasses guy, hasn’t told Ali he lives in his parents’ garage yet) shoots his scene first. He gets to oil Ali up and massage her shoulders. The guys make fun of him for how cheesy his acting is, though, which kinda ruins his mojo. Part of this scene requires Ali to slap him on the cheek, and apparently they have to re-shoot it nine times to get it just right. It’s actually pretty funny to watch the guys watch Frank getting slapped over and over.

John C. is up next. His scene looks promising as we see Ali luxuriating in a bubble bath all stretched out seductively. But our Pity Meter goes into overdrive as we watch John C. join Ali in the tub, Ali give him a, “Who the hell do you think you are? I’m leaving!” glare, and Ali getting out of the tub leaving John C. all alone. We get sad, pathetic shots of him and he tells us he doesn’t get any quality time with Ali. “When’s it gonna be MY turn?” he moans. Awwww…

Weather Guy is up next and the guys huddle around the scene intently wanting to see how all the smooching goes. This scene turns out to be in a library where apparently Weather Guy is looking for a book and Ali is the slutty librarian who shows him what “stack” he can pull it out from (“That’s what she said!”)

We know this scene is not going to go well when right before it starts Weather Guy leans over and tells Ali that they don’t really have to kiss if she doesn’t want to. Huh? What guy in his right mind would say THAT? Now Ali’s telling us that she’s not even sure she wants to kiss him back. Weather Guy has already made this all awkward and I kinda want to change the channel to a documentary on prairie dogs on The Nature Channel or a repeat of Roseanne on Nick. But I stick with the scene, and am oh-so-glad I did.

Words probably can’t describe how awkward the kiss is, but I’ll try. Did any of you see Liza Minelli and David Guest kissing at their wedding? And do any of you remember in the opening credits of The Jeffersons when Louise goes in to kiss George and she moves her lips all over just as they are coming in for the kill and you know she’s one of those kissers who just moves her mouth everywhere? OK…take those two images, morph them into this scene, and you’ve got something close to what really happened here. Weather Guy is an epic fail in the making out department and the guys LOVE it. They tell us, “It was painful” to watch and they are disgusted.

Of course, all of this is too much for a cheery weatherman from Texas to deal with and he does what any sensible bachelor on this show would do – he turns on the water works. Which of course makes the guys be more and more merciless in their commentary about the whole scene.

For her part, Ali feels bad, tells him it’s OK, gives him a hug, then kisses him passionately in the next take. This seems like more of a proper make-out kiss. At least Weather Guy certainly seems to think so. “Whoa! That HAS to be real!” he marvels like he’s never had a hot girl kiss him in a Barenaked Ladies video before. I mean who hasn’t, right?

Chris L. has the best dis of the night when he tells the groups that the kiss was Weather Guy’s first kiss with Ali, first kiss in a video…first kiss EVER, and we all tend to agree.

Meanwhile, we cut away to shots of Frank skulking around watching all of this and looking creepy. He thinks Ali is acting when she kisses the other guys, but that the kiss he shared with her at the Hollywood sign was real. Ummm…yeah.

Chris L. gets to roll around on a bed with Ali while she wears lingerie. Lingerie makes me all nervous and twitchy, so I’m going to move on.

Next up, Kirk gets sloppy seconds and doesn’t waste a second of time with Ali as they hop into a different bed together wearing not much. They roll around and make out and at one point look like they are either doing porn or conceiving their first child. I can see he’s only wearing pajama bottoms and I wonder if Ali can “feel” any of the lust love he must be feeling for her at that point. The director yells, “Cut! Cut! Cut!” and of course Ali and Kirk still go at it hot and heavy.

Now the background music changes and becomes more ominous as Frank watches all of this. You can see his little “Ali loves me best because she kissed me for REALS!” fantasy world start to crumble down as he witnesses the make out session. “If Kirk gets the rose tonight, it’s gonna kill me!” he predicts.

At this point I realize there were several guys at the same video shoot whom we never got to watch film their scenes. All goners for sure at one point or another.

Later that night, Ali takes the guys to where they are going to have a wrap party for all that tough work they did for the fake music video. On their walk there, I notice a marquee on a theater that says Tears for Fears is playing there. My interest is piqued, but, alas, the guys and Ali head up to the rooftop of some swanky building where no one is going to rule the world or shout.

She gives a “Cheers!” for them all looking awesome, then immediately grabs Chris L. (Wicked awesome!) for the first alone time. They lounge on a couple of chaises poolside and Ali asks why he has his mom’s signature tattooed on himself. He tells a sweet story about bringing the deed to her house into the tattoo parlor after she passed away so he would always have the signature. Ali makes, “Awww…” eyes at him and we know he’s golden tonight.

Weather Guy steals her away next. We can’t wait to see how he’s going to try to patch up the kissing drama/fiasco he created earlier in the day. He’s nervous and jumpy and won’t let her get a word in edgewise. When she does speak, Ali doesn’t finish one sentence. Peas in a pod these two, I tell ya…

Just as Weather Guy asks her if they can go somewhere private to have a “real” first kiss, Craig (pixilated Speedo pouch guy) interrupts to take Ali away. Apparently Weather Guy didn’t heed the warnings of the all-knowing Chris Harrison at the start of the show. That was your time with her, big guy, and you blew it chatting nervously and interrupting her about your earlier coitus interruptus scene. Smooth move…

(Meanwhile, back at the mansion, one of the background guys named Hunter gets the news that he will be the next one-on-one date tonight. “Home is where the heart is,” the Date Card says. He thinks he’s going to San Francisco. We, however, know that his place is solidly in the Background Guy court, so we know differently.)

Next, Ali jumps in the hot tub with Kirk while Frank is getting closer and closer to getting his ticket to Crazy Town punched. He’s still sure that what he and Ali have was “real” (as real as it can be on a show that stranded him on the side of an L.A. freeway and filmed him happily walking away down the emergency lane holding hands with Ali).

Frank and Weather Guy are commiserating about how bad it feels to see her with Kirk (because they both know Kirk is WAY hotter than they are), and then Weather Guy notices that they are now kissing. “It hurt!” he says, and now Frank has reached Crazy Michelle levels of nutso. We get lots of shots of him looking desperate and angst-y with ominous music playing behind him. He looks truly scary and like he might kill a pretty girl for Charles Manson at this point.

Kirk and Ali make out in the hot tub, but I notice that Kirk keeps opening his mouth and Ali keeps her lips pursed. A bit later, Ali says about Kirk that “he makes me feel safe,” and if Roberto were there he’d be shifting uncomfortably in his seat and thinking, “Damn! What does a guy have to do to make Ali feel like she’s safe? I walked a frickin’ tightrope and flew in a frickin’ helicopter for her and this dude makes her feel safe from what? The hot tub bubbles? What gives?”

Kirk’s pretty hot in a short, blonde way and he seems like a nice enough guy. Seems like a good bet that he’ll be around after tonight. They move to the pool and Frank jumps in next to them and interrupts the alone time. All the other guys follow suit. Justin “Rated R” can’t go in the water (Did you know he has a cast on and is on crutches?!) so he’s worried that Ali’s not paying as much attention to him.

Of course, Ali gives Kirk the rose at the end of the evening. “She likes me for me!” he chirps. “I feel so light right now and so just good!” Going back on his word, this does not kill Frank as he predicted.

Then Ali and the guys kick back in the pool and watch their music video projected on a giant wall on the side of the building. They over-react to how stupid it is, and Weather Guy is way too fist pump-y and water slapping-y when he sees his library make-out scene. It’s all pretty pathetic.

And by the way, I’m guessing you all realized that the video they shot is not the actual video that Barenaked Ladies put out for this song. Are you kidding me? Can you just imagine that? Here’s a link to the actual video they released. Not a Bachelor or Bachelorette to be found anywhere, and I think that’s just the way it should be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiS7oZCIuN8&feature=PlayList&p=A2688FDEE7969E2F&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=41

Justin Sneaks Out, or “Escape to Ali’s Island”

So we’d already seen it in the previews umpteen times and it has been referenced several times during this episode, but Justin “Rated-R” feels like he has to do something extreme to make himself stand out to Ali.

He sneaks out of the house while the guys are all apparently otherwise engaged, asks a security guy for directions to Ali’s place, and proceeds to hobble on his crutches to surprise her. We’re not really sure how far he actually goes or how long it actually takes him, but the producers make sure we get plenty of shots of him crutching it down a winding road with traffic whizzing by him. We even get shots of hot sunshine beating down on the poor guy and a very funny added vulture sound effect like he’s about to keel over at any moment and be eaten by scavenger birds. This is hardly the Mojave Desert, folks, and with the overhead and street level shots Justin gets during these scenes, we’re plenty sure he’s well attended in case anything goes amiss.

In one of the more staged, fake scenes in this episode we see Ali being interviewed by a female producer. She just HAPPENS to be standing outside for this interview (even though almost every other interview so far this season has been inside) and as she speaks who should hobble into focus just perfectly over her left shoulder? You guessed it! Justin is slowly making his way up her driveway, perfectly framed. Everyone makes a big production out of how shocking this is, but I don’t buy it for a second. Every single person in that scene knew he was coming probably before he even left the place where the bachelors are staying.

Ali is concerned for him having walked all that way on crutches. He says he just wants to sit down. They go in and Justin shows her a photo album he’s brought of his family. He actually had a pretty tough childhood it sounds like – divorced parents, dad never saw him again even though he just lived a few minutes away, dad passed away before they could reconcile, never had a father figure. So much of his personality is explained in those few moments.

Justin knows he’s butting in on Hunter’s date time with Ali, but he doesn’t seem to care as he happily cuddles with Ali on her couch. Ali drives him back to the bachelor’s house and gives him a hug (but not a kiss!) good bye. “This is a huge move. Mission accomplished!” Justin crows. The other guys want to know where he was and he tells them he was sleeping. They all buy it. Dumbasses.

Later he gets into it with Kirk and weird-voiced Kasey and tells them how much being a father and husband is all he wants in life. He even wells up as he speaks. “I will literally climb mountains for that woman!” he says and then starts smirking into the camera since he knows we just watched him hobble down the road (AKA metaphoric climbing of mountains) for Ali. During this scene, the producers apparently think that we have no sense of space or time as the lighting goes from afternoon to midnight in one cut.

Hunter’s Date, or “How to Get Dumped by a Hot Girl Who Is Totally Out of Your League”

Throughout Justin’s secret rendezvous with Ali, we get shots of Hunter waiting for Ali to come pick him up for his date with her. As the day goes on and the sun starts to set, Hunter starts to wonder what gives and where Ali is. Of course, we all know that she’s canoodling with Rated-R, but it’s fun watching Hunter and the guys try to figure out what’s going on. Little does he know that he’s about to become sloppy seconds.

Ali finally arrives to pick him up, and although I’m going to reserve the wardrobe comments for the end of this week’s post, it’s funny to me that she’s wearing the exact same outfit she had on when Justin surprised her. You can almost see the wrinkles left by his body pressing into hers. Justin seems like the kind of guy who would put on way too much cologne. Does Hunter not smell anything amiss on Ali already?

We chuckle as Ali drives Hunter back to her place in the same car she just dropped Justin off in. Hunter’s date consists of just “staying home” at Ali’s place and barbecuing. Yeah, cuz that’s the same as tightrope walking over downtown Los Angeles or a swanky dinner in a penthouse suite in Vegas.

Hunter is totally history. This date is over before it even starts. They put aprons on each other and it’s immediately apparent that Hunter is really nervous. He tells us that he’s enjoying the date “…to see what life together would be like,” but forgets the crucial fact that he’s only an “Internet Account Executive” who won’t be living in a house anywhere near as nice as this one. Unless “Internet Account Executive” means he owns an online porn studio. Then maybe he can live the highlife like this. But I’m gonna guess not.

He tells us several times that he’s the kind of guy who likes to take things slowly and that he feels on the spot having to move so quickly on this date. That is for sure not a good sign, but neither are the awkward silences that accompany them as they sit side-by-side in the hot tub while the jets make odd farting noises around them. Cue crickets chirping.

To really make us squirm, at one point Hunter leans over for what we think is going to be a kiss, but just really ends up being a peck at Ali’s shoulder. He’s even calling her “Baby”. Oh, please, will no one stop this horror?

Later at night, they light a fire in a fire pit and chat some more. Ali is more interested in playing with the end of her ponytail than she is in Hunter. The writing is on the wall for this one. We get a close-up on the rose, we get a close-up on Hunter’s eager face, but then the music changes. Ali says she’s really trying to find a husband here, and she says, “I feel like we’d be great friends. I just don’t feel like there’s a romantic connection.” OK…ouch, dude. One of the harshest lines a girl can use on a guy, and it was just fed to you on national television. And to top it off, she won’t give him the rose.

Hunter takes the Walk of Shame to a waiting taxi cab van and tells us he choked and feels “sad and disappointed”. Buh-bye, Background Guy. I’m sure you are a nice person, but there was no way you were gonna win this show.

Back at the house, they show someone taking away Hunter’s luggage and Justin “Rated-R” crowing, “That’s what I thought! One man down, and thirteen to go!” The guys all start to hate him more. Such a perfect set-up here. Justin has now officially become “that guy” that everyone else in the house hates. And what makes it even better is that we know a secret they don’t and we know it’s all about to hit the fan at the cocktail party.

The Cocktail Party, or “How to Create a Fun Picnic in Your Driveway”

We finally make it to the cocktail party portion of the show. Ali’s first alone time is with Chris L. They again connect over Massachusetts stuff like oysters and steamers and he says he won a Flip Flop tourney in Vegas once, whatever THAT is. It’s not on Wikipedia so it must be a drinking game or card game that only frat guys play.

Ali leans on Chris L. and from a distance we see that Frank and Weather Guy are again commiserating over their lots in life. Frank says watching Ali with another guy is, “…too much to handle, honestly.”

Justin “Rated-R” gets the next one-on-one time with Ali. He immediately dives into himself and all the issues swirling around him in the house, and never once asks Ali anything about herself or what she’s up to. After she’s done listening, Ali actually compares him to Vienna from her season – both are the people in the house that everyone else there hates. This is a pretty ballsy thing to do, actually, since Ali was the main instigator of all of the unfounded hatred toward Vienna in the first place.

Some guy named Steve brings Ali outside and lays down a blanket for her. He’s even brought out some of the ubiquitous votive candles that are everywhere on this show and made a cozy little picnic in the middle of what looks like…wait..is that the driveway?! Dude, this is just sad. You are already a Background Guy! Why?

Steve-o seals his fate when he takes forever to open the champagne bottle too. I think that Ali’s giggling and laughing is going to finally shatter my eardrums when he FINALLY gets the damned thing to pop open. Then he makes us do a spit take as he announces to us that he thinks Ali was attracted to him. Attracted? To what? Sitting her ass down on bumpy cobblestones that smell like tire treads while you fumble with something that is, come on, let’s just be honest here, a TOTAL metaphor for your manhood? Ooo..that’s hot. Steve actually is a cute guy with really nice eyes, but he’s a goner too, I’m afraid.

Meanwhile, Justin is eavesdropping on the other guys talking smack about him. Ty especially is being particularly vociferous and is calling Justin “two-faced” and telling everyone that “…the person that I see every day isn’t the same person that (Ali) sees…” Oh my god…this is word for word verbatim of what Ali said about Vienna last season and what all the guys said about Juan during Jillian’s season. Bore. Bore. And more bore.

Justin confronts the group and has words with Ty. He says he doesn’t swear, but then uses the “F”-word, so we know he’s plenty riled up. Ty gets the last word by telling Justin that “…karma’s a bitch!” So deep.

For his part, Frank waxes philosophical and tells us, “If this is the kind of tension now, think of all we have ahead of us!” I love how they keep portraying Frank as a day late and a dollar short for every situation that’s occurring.

Roberto scores the next alone time with Ali. He feels the need to tell her that he thinks Justin is not there for the right reasons. Why do people constantly do this on this show? The producers must be egging them on to increase the drama. Haven’t the contestants seen this gambit blow up on every other person who’s tried it before?

During their conversation, Ali lets slip that Justin came to her house earlier. She thought the guys knew. They didn’t. Roberto of course runs over and tells all the other guys. Cue tense music.

Ty calls everyone together (and, again, like last week…where is Ali when all of this is going on? Maybe still trying to rub out the cobblestone impressions from her butt?) They confront Justin and think he’s a bad person. They don’t trust his intentions, but technically his intentions were to get more time with Ali than they did, so actually his intentions were fine. They are just pissed they didn’t think of it first. Craig (Pixilated Pouch) says he’s a bullsh** detector for a living and that he knows Justin’s full of all kinds of it. They finally put two and two together and realize that Justin going over to Ali’s was the reason she was late for her date with Hunter. Kill the pig...spill his blood...bash 'im in! The vendetta has begun against poor Justin.

He can take it no longer and heads out to the patio to sit and cry alone over this sad state of affairs. I fully expect R.E.M.’s Everybody Hurts to start playing as we watch and hear him weeping.

The Rose Ceremony, or “Karma Actually Isn’t Really That Much of a Bitch, Thank You Very Much Ty”

Ali comes in to hand out the roses. Chris L. from MA gets the first one. Yay. We like him (as long as he stops with the MA references). Hot-guy Jessie is next. Chris N. gets one too. He’s a Background Guy for sure, so look for him to be gone in a week or two. Almost no air time at all so far.

Ty gets the next rose, and then Kasey does too. Pixilated Pouch Craig is next, and then Weather Guy and Frank both get them too. They are both relieved.

Now it’s down to “I made you a picnic on the driveway!” Steve, a guy named John C. who I wouldn’t know from Adam, and “Rated-R” Justin. And, of course, the final rose goes to…Justin!

Steve says a tearful goodbye and tells us he feels like he got “…left in the dust,” which is funny since that’s exactly where he made Ali sit while he tried to pop his cork.

John C, who kinda looks like Matthew Broderick, is mad he’s leaving. He gives us the speech we expect: that Justin is there for the wrong reasons and that it’s too bad Ali couldn’t pick a genuine guy like John C. Yawn.

Previews, or “Around the World in 80 Days”

In the previews we hear that the remaining bachelors are going to get to jet around the world with Ali. We see a preview of next week’s show in New York City where the guys appear to be auditioning for a role in The Lion King.

This also appears to be the episode where Kasey is going to go full-tilt bonkers and do something that requires him to have a bandage on his wrist and to sing to Ali in a most excruciating way. If this guy really does have a hearing issue, then I apologize right here, right now. But if he doesn’t, this dude HAS to be part of the American Idol audition shows next year. Pretty please?

Oh…and the guys and Ali get to see some guy named Josh Radin, whom I have never heard of before.

Closing Credits, or “There’s a Mouse in My House!”

As the closing credits roll, we see Chris L. and one of the Background Guys trying to coax a mouse out of its hole and then trying to pounce on it and catch it when it finally does come out. Hilarity ensues as they keep missing it and wind up looking like they are humping the floor instead. The producers pipe in fake mouse squeaking sounds so we really get that this is a “real” mouse that, like, makes noises ‘n’ stuff.

My only thought is, “WTF? How are there mice in this house? Isn’t this supposed to be a swanky mansion? They can’t take care of the rodent problem BEFORE the guys move in? What sort of operation are they running here? If it were Survivor, sure. The more mice prowling around, the better there. But on The Bachelorette?! Bad.

Ali’s Fashion, or “Will Someone Please Help me Think of a Good Title for This Section?”

As she starts her date with Roberto, Ali has gone back to the Flashdance look described during the premiere episode. She’s wearing a blue shirt with a really wide collar that falls down one shoulder, leaving it bare except for bra straps. I think this looks too costume-y if the first thing I think of is Flashdance. At least take the look and make it somehow slightly different. So, one rose for non-originality.

For the start of the Barenaked Ladies video shoot, Ali is again channeling Britney with a tight, white tank top that shows off her curves well. She looks hot. Four roses.

During her scene with Frank, she has on a bright yellow bikini top with a pink animal print sarong wrapped around her lower parts. Totally hot mix of sunny California beach and kinda trashy safari girl. Four roses again.

In the library scene with Frank she has on her slutty librarian look. Her hair’s pulled back into a tight bun, she has on glasses, and she’s wearing a tight, tailored woman’s business suit/skirt ensemble. This looks hot on her, but it’s not really her at all. I know it’s just a costume for a fake video, but the whole thing doesn’t do much for me. Maybe if I were a straight man it would, though? Only two roses for this.

Rolling around in bed with one of the Chris’s, Ali has on blue lingerie with a black lace trim. Shudder. Women’s lingerie is just not my thing at all (even walking by a Victoria’s Secret store gives me hives), so I won’t rate this one. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us.

I will also reserve judgment for what Ali is wearing during the video wrap party on top of that tall building. It’s all black and it’s nighttime, so we can’t really make any of it out. Unrated.

When she jumps into the hot tub with Kirk, she has on a bright orange bikini with geometric patterns on it. My first thought is that this would have been a more appropriate thing to wear as she made her way down the emergency lane in last week’s episode. At least the cars would have seen her more easily, right? But she’s got a great bod and looks great in any swimwear she puts on this season, so she’s getting four roses from me for this one.

Right before she dumps Hunter at her house on the staying-at-home date, Ali has on what looks like an oversized men’s t-shirt with jeans and pink Converse shoes. Very cute look! She definitely seems much more at home in the more casual, tomboy stuff. four roses for this one.

Of course, though, she has to go and ruin it all with the dress she wears to the cocktail party and the Rose Ceremony. Is it the same one she wore in Vegas last week for her date with Stud Muffin Jessie? It looks kinda like theater curtains draped up and down her body and, of course, they have left it too long for her so she has to constantly stoop over to lift it up, which makes her butt look big. On all three episodes this season they have put her in a get-up like this. I get that Ali is more of a tomboy-type, but can’t someone do this girl a favor and raise her hemlines just an inch or two? The sparkly part at her waist was pretty, but only made us stare at her waist. Bad placement. 1 ½ roses for this outfit.

So there you have it. Yet another installment of Bachelorette fun. Drop me a line to let me know what YOU thought of the episode and/or to discuss anything you’d like. A lot of you email me privately since, c’mon, let’s face it, you don’t want the public to see that you actually watch and chat about this show. But it’s time to throw open those closet doors and let that bright, canary-yellow Bachelorette light in! Come join/like After the Rose on Facebook or leave a message here, and I hope to see you again next week (when I promise to be more punctual with my posting!)