Is it just me, or is this season getting really boring really quickly? It is fast becoming The Michelle Show, and I don’t feel like I could name half the girls who are left at this point. I’ll try to make this week’s post as entertaining as possible, but the producers, it seems, are trying to foil my attempts at giving out any awards this week.
Chunky jewelry was in full effect again this week. We spied everything from Meaghan’s big earrings to Michelle’s giant bracelet, to Britt’s big danglers too. I love a theme.
On we go…
The First Recycled Date of the Season:
TIE:
1. This award first goes to Chantal O. and Brad, who helicopter over to Catalina Island just like Kiptyn and Tenley did during Bachelor Pad last summer. Chantal and Brad even hang in the same outdoors-y spot on the beach complete with cabana tents and a huge bed/chaise lounge thingy for canoodling both in and out of the rain.
2. The second recycled date of the evening goes to Michelle and Brad who scale down a tall building in downtown L.A. and then have dinner and a swim. This date has been done to death already. I always wonder what the people who live or work inside that building are told before the date happens. “WARNING: Vapid people with sexually transmitted diseases will be pressing themselves against the glass of your apartment between 4:00 and 6:00 today. “ OR “WARNING: Because you live on the 25th floor, we have to warn you that our happy couple will be stopping right in front of your windows to pose for the requisite ‘Kiss in the Middle of a Scary Event’ moment that our show requires. We thank you for your patience.”
Funniest Star Wars Reference:
I did a spit take when I saw Chantal O. and Brad walking along the ocean floor in what looked like authentic Storm Trooper outfits from the original Star Wars series. All they needed was some laser guns to start blasting all the fake fish they filmed to make it look like they were in a really exotic location when they were really only off the coast of California where there are hardly any interesting-looking fish. Even an appearance by Darth Vader wasn’t going to save how boring this date was. Of course Chantal is “terrified” of going into deep water in the ocean, so of course the producers made sure that this was the date she was on, and of course she got through it and used the whole episode as a metaphor for her love for Brad. Bleah. So tired and recycled. This show needs to mix it up a bit more.
“We’re Ready to Rip Out Our Own Eyeballs Now! Uncle!” Award:
Oh…my…GOD! I am SO over Michelle’s constant whining and snarky comments about the other girls. We get it. Girlfriend is nuts. She slinks around like an anemic cat and throws out barbs at the other girls like a skanky fisherman with no eyebrows. But oh my god…do we have to hear again and again and again that she thinks she’s better and that she had better get one-on-one time with Brad or that she’s the best match for him? Do they pay her by the word for this crap? It’s so mind-numbingly tired by now.
Which leads us to our companion award for this category…
Contestant Most Giving Michelle a Run for Her Money in the Loony Department:
This of course goes to Ashley S. Who knew that dentists could be so needy and nuts all at the same time? You think they should be calm and collected as they precisely drill into your teeth, but not our pal Ashley S. No, she sees Brad showing interest in other girls and starts freaking out about it. Like seriously bat-sh** crazy. She curls up on Brad’s lap a few times, cries, flips her hair, rubs her mouth, sucks on her own lips – all sure signs that the meltdown is imminent. It’s no surprise that the producers made Brad keep her around for another week. They can sense the impending implosion just as well as we can, and they can’t wait for how delicious it’s all gonna be.
Ashley S. has learned from the best, and so throughout the show she does her best Michelle imitations by breaking up one-on-one times in awkward ways, moving around to creepy stalker music, stalking through brush and grassy knolls to approach Brad making out with someone else to interrupt him with what she thinks is something more important, and taking swigs off of a gigantic chalice of red wine every 10 seconds. Michelle should have patented these moves, right? Cuz Crazy Dentist is all over them every chance she can get.
I’m guessing that if Crazy Dentist ends up losing this little Brad Battle, her list of patients will be shrinking down to zero. Did you see her pinkie sticking out as she got sloshed on her red wine? Not really the image you like of the person who is responsible for giving you shots in your gums and putting drill bits in your tooth canals.
Most “WTF?” Moment:
OK, Michelle…WTF? How do you go to bed with normal eyes one night and wake up with one black one the next day? How does something like that even happen? We would have totally bought it if you had said that Dentist Ashley S. hauled off and hit you with one of those things they use to suck all the spit out of your mouth at the dentist’s office or if you had said Chantal O. clubbed you with a beer bottle in a drunken brawl. But this whole, “I have no idea how it happened! I have heartburn!” bit is just a tad bit beyond belief. Any guesses as to what really happened? We may never know, but I really hope she gets asked about it on the reunion show.
Drinking Game of the Week:
This goes to Brad and any time that he used the word “real”. Last night I counted it being used by him 6 times. Of course, this game would have been a hard one to play since every time he used the word you would have had to take a shot AND try not to spit it back out in laughter as you realized that he was using the word “real” to mean the dates he was on and the women he was dating. Nothing real about any of that.
Fakest Radio Broadcast of All Time:
This has gotta be the Group Date where Brad and some of the young lovelies pay a visit to Lovelines and Dr. Drew. Don’t be fooled by the flashing lights and the “On the Air” lights coming on. There is no way any of that was really broadcast, is there? This show was taped back in the fall. If it had gone out live then, people would have already known which girls were still in the mix and it would have spoiled results. And did you notice how almost no one except the hosts was talking into an actual mike? At one point, Britt had her mouth right in front of one and someone actually nudged it away from her so we could get a better view of her face.
And how hard did you laugh at all of them saying how Dr. Drew really got them to open up and all share their feelings? Let’s see… we found out that Stacey cheated in college, that Meghan is looking for a guy who she can be herself around (NEWSFLASH: this is every human being on the planet), and Britt gets nervous around Brad. Wow, Dr. Drew, I have seen you help celebrities in rehab and lesser-known people with relationship issues, but the depths of this soul-bearing know no bounds.
This whole radio show thing was crap from the first light flashing on and I hope Dr. Drew is as thoroughly embarrassed for agreeing to do it as we were for watching it.
Best Line of the Night:
This actually could be the winner for Best Line of the Season, but we still have a ways to go before we crown that one. This one goes hands-down to Chantal O. Back at the mansion while some of the other girls are out on their Group Date, the fake doorbell rings and the next Date Card gets delivered. Of course it’s the one-on-one date for Michelle that they have been setting up all night. Michelle is excited she finally gets her time and she hears what the message Brad has written her says: “Let’s hang out together.”
It what can only be described as the mark of true genius, Chantal O. waits a beat, then points out to Michelle, “Your card doesn’t have love in it.” And we realize it’s true. The ladies list off all the Date Cards Brad has sent out so far, and they all included the word “love” in them. Hilariously, this card does not. Next, Chantal shows us her truly perfect timing with delivery when she adds, “Oh, it’s probably nothing…” with a little smirk. And the death-blow has been dealt.
Next we get a montage of Michelle obsessing over what it means that her card didn’t have the word love in it. Chantal has planted the seeds of doubt in Michelle’s mind PERFECTLY, and it’s truly awesome to watch her unravel. It’s gonna be tough to beat Chantal this season in this award!
Biggest “Dis” of the Episode:
This is really tough, so I’m going to call it a four-way tie:
1. Ashely S. seems to be popping up a lot in this posting, and this award is no exception. Brad seems all ready to give her the rose on the Group Date – something which would insure that she’s around for at least another week. But when he comes back to the hot tub to make his announcement, she gets all passive-aggressive and starts flipping out. Brad announces that he’s had a last-minute change in plans and he instead calls Britt out and gives the rose to her. OUCH! That’s gotta hurt more than a root canal gone bad, huh Crazy Dentist? The rose was yours, and you blew it with your psycho, needy, insecure ways. Nice strategy you got goin’ there.
2. Of course, you could also say this award goes to Britt, since she is obviously the Sloppy Seconds rose recipient. It has to suck at least a little to know that you weren’t the first choice and that the only reason you’re getting the rose is because the frontrunner all of a sudden turned red wine crazy in a hot tub. Sucks to be Britt too.
3. And let’s not forget about Michelle. She’s all excited to finally have her one-on-one time with Brad only to discover that he’s going to clear the air with Ashley S. first before he takes Michelle out. Michelle gets to sit and fume while Brad takes Ashley outside to let her know that if she doesn’t get off of the crazy train and back to “how you were at the carnival”-ville, that she’ll be taking the next cab to the airport. Michelle is so fed up she literally jerks Brad’s arm towards the door when he finally says he’s ready to leave with her. Sucks to be Michelle too, except she’s nuts so we just laugh at her and think she’s getting what she deserves.
4. Lastly, we could give this award to all of the girls except Emily, as Brad whisks her outside during the cocktail party and gives the sweet young thing her very own special picnic on the wet cement of the driveway. The other girls are beyond miffed and can tell what wall the writing is on. This was vintage Bachelor and the producers milked it well for all it was worth. Special bonus credit for when one of the girls asked the group, “Do you think he has the ring in that basket?”
Best Call-Out of the Night:
This goes again to Chantal O., who finally can’t take any more of Michelle’s whining about her day being ruined by the drama with Ashley S. Chantal reminds Michelle that she did the exact same thing on a previous Group Date and focused all of the attention on herself. Michelle sees it differently, but we all know Chantal is 100% right. I’m liking Chantal more as I watch her stand up to the crazies.
Funniest Mispronounced Word That Could Also Be a Double-Entendre:
On his date with Michelle, Brad mispronounces the word “rappel” over and over and instead says, “repel”. How funny was it to hear him say that he and Michelle were going to “repel” down to the pool below? I’d say they did a really good job of “repelling” throughout the evening (especially to those folks up there on the 25th floor…)
Least Surprising Outcome of the Evening:
Michelle is scared of heights. Brad is scared of crazy chicks who are hairdressers from Utah and also heights. Of course their date involves rappelling down the side of a tall building. Their voices crack, they both say they are going to throw up. They both don’t think they can do it. And then…success! Magically they do it! We are (not) shocked.
Worst Parent Ever:
This goes to Michelle, who says she’s fine with a guy she’s known for about 6 days and who has locked lips with at least half of the ladies there and who did this whole process a few years back and ended up with NO ONE and keeps Michelle and Crazy Dentist around to come meet her daughter. Say what now again? You want BRAD to meet your DAUGHTER?! Where’s the logic there? You should be hiding your daughter as far away from this man as possible. Dumb is contagious, y’know. Just ask Jake and Vienna.
Most Obvious Dump of the Night Before It Even Happened:
Lindsey is a first grade teacher who has said about three words this entire season and never had one-on-one time with Brad, but tonight she gets a ton of airtime. This is a true sign to us seasoned veterans that she will be dumped tonight. Ditto for Meaghan, who seems a bit too manly for Brad’s taste if you ask me. When Brad gives her dating advice about how to let her walls down and sounds like her dad, the death knell is rung.
So with lots of lip-sucking and sidelong glances, Crazy Dentist and Michelle both get to stay. This week another bevy of “Who the hell were THEY?!” beauties get dumped, including Manly Meaghan, Jersey Shore Stacey who cheated in college (lesson learned, ladies….never let Dr. Drew force you to admit something like this if you’re dating a hot guy), and Teacher Lindsey who lets us know that she thinks her dad will be “so proud” of her. What?! Proud of her?! For what?! For saying three words on a show where women throw themselves on the dumbest guy on the planet all in the name of furthering their modeling and acting careers? My neck still hurts from all the head-shaking I did at that line.
Next week we see that the Group Date takes them to the racetrack, and of course Emily (whose racecar-drivin’ boyfriend was killed in a plane crash in case you hadn’t heard) is along for all of the drama. We see lots of tears next week, which leads me to believe that both the crazies will hit their boiling point. Can’t wait.
In the credits we see that Brad can’t dance, which is a SUPER bad sign for all of these ladies. Because you know what they say about guys who are bad dancers, right? Sorry to break it to you ladies, but the vertical mambo is not the only thing that Brad’s probably not so hot at. Just to warn ya…
Let’s hope next week’s episode cranks up the interest level a bit more and ratchets down the crazies a bit – or at least has them go crazy about something new. As always, thanks for reading this far and please come over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose so we can have more fans over there too. This has been a quiet season from my readers, so I assume most of you have already tuned out of this season too, right? Is this thing on? Anyone out there? Let’s hear fro you!
See you next week…
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