Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Well, if there had been any doubt that this season of The Bachelor was going to be dull and uneventful, all of that was put to rest last night, right? The claws came out sooner than ever as several of the young lovelies showed their true crazy colors. Some of them paid the ultimate Bachelor price, while others sailed through to see another day in the mansion. Let’s get to all of the action…
Best Lines to Use for Drinking Games Last Night (AKA “Oh My GOD…Will You STOP Saying That?”)
This one is a tie. If it weren’t annoying enough that Brad had to repeat endlessly over and over that it was all getting “real”, then we get Michelle spouting endlessly over and over that today is her…sniff sniff…30th birthday. Those of you toasting at either of those lines most certainly had passed out before the closing credits rolled.
OK, Brad. This is “real”? What exact part of this whole experience for you is real? The cameras following you around? The fact that this show has writers to tell you all what to say? Or the fact that a third party has chosen all of these hot women (well, most of ‘em are hot anyway…) to fall all over themselves hoping to get naked with you? What part of any of that is real? And what makes it all more real now than the first time we watched you do all of this before?
And Michelle. Alas, poor Michelle. She could be at home partying with her friends and apparently bedding any guy she wants. But no…poor Michelle has to spend HER 30th birthday (did you hear it was her 30th birthday, by the way?) sharing her guy with a bunch of other girls who aren’t worthy. Woe is you, Michelle. You chose to be on the show. You knew it was taping during your birthday. You knew you’d be competing with a ton of other ladies who we would like better than we like you. Get a grip.
By the way, what does one buy for a bachelorette like Michelle on her 30th birthday? An iTunes gift card? A candle? Big, dangly earrings? Or perhaps a membership in the Antibiotic of the Month Club? Yeah, I went there. Try and stop me.
Fashion Choice About Which I Am Most on the Fence
I’m not sure what to make of the dress that Ashley H., the dentist, wore on the carnival date. My first impression of it was a yellow present meets a disco ball. It was all weird and too much. But then the more I watched it, the more I liked it. Yes it looked too young and cutesy on a professional woman, but maybe that’s how she lets loose? I dunno. Thoughts? This one has me stumped. There’s a Taylor Swift joke in here somewhere and I just can’t get it out.
Most Popular “Toldja SO!” Fashion Choice:
As I mentioned last week, gigantic, body-encompassing jewelry seems to be the newest trend these days for sweet young things looking to bag a bachelor. Some of the pieces last night were so over the top as to be laughable. How about those earrings “It’s my 30th birthday!” Michelle had on? The ones that looked like three gigantoid clam shells dangling from each lobe? Or that huge aquamarine-colored necklace she had on during the video shoot? The one with all of those huge stones going in all sorts of wacky directions? CRAZY huge!
Or how about those gigantic Stevie Nicks-inspired peacock feather earrings that Kickin’ Keltie was rockin’ at the final cocktail party? How many peacocks aren’t gettin’ any tonight because they had to sacrifice their sex attractors for Keltie’s earlobes?
And huge rings that looked like they covered entire hands seemed to be all the rage last night too. Are the ladies wearing these to attract Brad’s attention to the fact that he needs to put a ring on their finger? Most of them look like spiders. I keep freaking out that tarantulas have invaded the set. Whatever the case, I called this fashion trend last week, and it hasn’t disappointed yet.
Weirdest Date of the Night
Hands down this would be the carnival date. Not only does it start off all “Thriller”-y with Brad driving them down a deserted mountain road in the pitch black with creepy music playing (weren’t you just waiting for Vincent Price to start rapping while zombies started pulling themselves out of the bushes?), but then it ends up at a carnival – yes a CARNIVAL! I guess this is sort of a cute idea, but you gotta think that Ashley H. was the teensiest bit bummed watching the episode back last night and realizing where Brad took her versus where he took Jackie/Pretty Woman later on.
I think Ashley H. was also pretty bummed that she had to wear that dress on all of the spinny rides. Dresses like that don’t exactly scream “A Day at the Fair”, and she couldn’t have been comfortable. Also, when I go to places with spinny rides where people walk around with big glasses of white wine and have quiet conversation, we tend to call those Art and Wine festivals, not carnivals. But I guess I’m splitting hairs here.
Brad and Ashley H. do make out a lot, which is probably saying a lot for a dentist since she probably sees firsthand all the creepy-crawlies that we pass back and forth when we kiss. They even made out on the Ferris wheel, which I think is dangerous. If one of them is prone to motion sickness spinning around and around, the results could be catastrophic while lips are locked.
It’s a good sign that both Brad and the dentist have dads who had addiction issues and were absent. This bonds them together big time. It’s also a good sign that he wants to call her “Ash”. Nicknames on the first date are key, right?
I think it’s a bad sign, though, that in his interviews Brad kept calling her “this girl” and never used her actual name once. Maybe he accidentally spilled some white wine on his hand where he wrote her name so he wouldn’t forget it? Just a guess.
Biggest Let-Down of the Night:
OK, producers. How can you spend an entire episode last week showing us how weird Vampire Madison is, make sure she goes on the date where they are filming a public service announcement for BLOOD, and then NOT make her the focus of the entire segment? Talk about your missed opportunity! Um, did you not notice that this girl has FANGS?! Like real ones surgically implanted in her MOUTH?! And instead you chose to focus on loony Michelle kvetching and whining about her BIRTHDAY?! I’m at a loss.
This whole date was just bad from the start. Michelle was already PMS’ing before they left the house (“People are gonna piss me off today. I know it.”) And then of course you have Alli (Um…I’d like to buy an “E” please, Pat?) and Britt, who are both playing the role of sweet, young virgin who is getting all nervous at the prospect of having to kiss on the first date in front of the other girls and the cameras.
And then there’s Melissa. Ah, poor, dear Melissa. She’s the blonde with long, straight hair who kinda looks like Gwyneth Paltrow’s older, hardened sister who just got out of jail for cutting someone. She repeats incessantly that if she doesn’t get any one-on-one time with Brad tonight, that she’s definitely going home, and we seasoned professionals know that of course she will get that alone time but be dumped anyway. The set-ups on this show are just perfect that way, aren’t they?
Funniest Moment of the Show:
This moment belongs hands-down to poor Keltie, our high-kickin’, rocker chickin’, panty-flashin’ good time gal from last week. This week, poor Keltie has to don all sorts of casts and body braces for the PSA as if she’s been in an accident. She unrecognizable (and unintelligible) as she tries to act her way through the scene and mumble her lines. This was most certainly a set-up too. How else could you explain the one girl who high kicks the most having to be permanently immobilized for this entire segment? I laughed HARD at her the whole way through, but she took it like a trooper.
“From Lady to Tramp” Award:
There’s no contest here as Britt, our resident food writer, changes from cutesy, doe-eyed, virginal perfection to a man-mouth sucking, writhing, moaning sack of sequins and flesh as she goes in for a kiss with Brad on the bed during her scene. She’s actually so slutty here that she horrifies Raichel (Um…I’d like to sell an “I” please, Pat…) and Michelle. So you know it’s full bore slut, right? For someone who was initially feeling iffy about a first kiss so soon, Miss Britt certainly had all of her ducks in a row once the cameras starting rolling, no?
Honorable Mention for this category goes to Gwyneth’s older sister Melissa who, while she is watching two girls retake the same kissing scene with Brad over and over and over, ends up jumping on to the set uninvited and making out with Brad herself to show the other ladies how it’s done. Very classy, Melissa. If you add that little stunt to the 14,000 interviews we’ve had of you this episode saying how if you don’t get alone time with Brad you’re history, I’d say your chances of staying are about as high as Michelle’s chances of having a happy 30th birthday.
Worst Video Ever Made on The Bachelor:
This one has to go to the supposed Red Cross PSA they were taping last night. I can’t find the “real” version of it anywhere on the Internet today. Does it not really exist? GASP! You mean it was only created to add to the content of the TV show and not to really help out the Red Cross? Or was it just so laughably bad that it is still sitting on the cutting room floor somewhere at ABC? We saw a short segment of it as we went to commercial at one point, but where’s the whole thing? I want to laugh at Keltie more.
Most “Calm Before the Storm” Moment:
At the “after party” for the video shoot, Brad tells us in a voiceover how excited he is to get away from all of the drama that happened at the shoot. As he huddles with the girls on top of the Roosevelt Hotel, he reminds them, “No drama, right?” This, of course, is Bachelor-talk for, “Let the catty games begin!” as we know all hell is about to break loose between the girls. “Ladies…start your engines!”
As Brad starts his alone time with some of the girls, Melissa Paltrow and Raichel Manscaper decide to get into it. I’m not one to choose sides in a situation like this (well, OK, I really AM one to choose sides in a situation like this…) but it certainly seemed like Raichel was the innocent here and Melissa was the aggressor. Melissa keeps throwing her age at Raichel as if being almost 32 makes her more mature or something, when what it’s really doing is reminding Brad he only likes girls who are under 25.
And then the pot is further stirred as 30th Birthday Michelle receives the coveted rose on this date while the other girls lounge awkwardly around the pool and secretly are jealous of her huge jewelry. With gusto, Michelle shakes the rose between her teeth like a skanky flamenco dancer.
Saddest Lost Body Part(s):
This obviously goes to 30th-Birthday Michelle’s eyebrows. Those things were probably completely plucked out well before her 20th birthday and have instead been replaced with deep, dark, thick eyebrow pencil. This effect is not at all flattering on her and makes our attention go right there the whole time.
Most Awkward “You Think I’m a WHAT?!” Award:
Poor Jackie the artist. Last week she popped out of the limo all canary yellow and Idina Menzel-jawed. The producers hinted that she would emerge as one of the crazies of the show. This week they set her up on a “Dream Date” with Brad based on the movie Pretty Woman. You know…the movie where Richard Gere whisks Julia Roberts out of the hooker’s life to fall in love and live the rich life. Wait…did he just say HOOKER?! Yup. Seems like the producers and Brad think ol’ Jackie’s been turning tricks down on the boulevard and needs some savin’ by Prince Brad.
Alas for poor Jackie, despite the Beverly Hills designer dresses, the diamonds, the fancy car, and all the Richie Rich life, Brad just sees her basically as a hooker. That’s gotta suck, huh Jackie?
Jackie kinda lives up to this role in her selection of gowns too. Brad takes her to a hotel room filled with gorgeous designer dresses. I’m not even a cross-dresser and even I was swooning a bit at that bright pink number. She gets to choose any dress in the room! ANY ONE! Yet when she shows up in the next scene she has on a boring, grayish, wrappy dress that even though it is covered in sparkles manages to reflect no light whatsoever. Where’s the canary-lovin’ Jackie from last week? How could she make such a bad fashion choice when she had so many amazing gowns to choose from? Back to the boulevard with you, Julia…
Biggest Hint That You Will Not Last the Show Even Though Brad Is Giving You a Rose Now:
As Brad gives Jackie the rose at the end of their date he tells her, “I’m willing to hang in there. Do you wanna give this thing a shot?” Kiss of death. Mark my words.
Saddest Musical Act of the Episode:
(NOTE: I almost titled this “Saddest Musical Act of the Season”, but then noticed on the previews that Seal is making an appearance next week sans Heidi Klum. Stay tuned.)
So Brad whisks his lady of the evening to the Hollywood Bowl and they eat dinner on stage and of course the stage starts spinning and there is Train singing a single from their new album. It’s always just so embarrassingly bad when they roll out the bands on this show. How awkward was it for Train to have to play a set in front of these two dorks mooning for the camera ten feet in front of them? I love Train on the radio, but I have never heard the lead singer sound good live, and this was no exception. And what was up with no Hey Soul Sister? I cry foul! Of course, we had to listen to their new single Marry Me instead. Get it? Because this is all like The Bachelor where people get married ‘n’ stuff?
Biggest Set-Up for the Girl We Will Root For All Season:
This goes to Emily. Not only is she gorgeous and porcelain doll perfect, but she also last week revealed her sad story about her husband dying in a plane crash right before she found out she was pregnant. She already had all of America on her side from there. But last night we also got scenes of her calling her daughter at home and both of them getting all weepy. If there’s anyone watching this season who’s not rootin’ for this girl, then you don’t have a heart. And my guess is that if she ends up losing, she will be the next Bachelorette, so she’s got a win/win lined up wither way.
First Catfight of the Season:
During the final cocktail party Raichel Manscaper’s boobs and Gwyneth Melissa’s strident neck go at it some more, picking right up where they left off at the after party. Again, Melissa seems to be such a jerk here, taunting Raichel with such gems as, “I don’t have to shut up or move. You can!” The back and forth reduces both to tears. In typical Bachelor fashion, we still don’t really know why these two hate each other so much, but we’ve already chosen sides, popped the popcorn, and are settling in for a good ol’ fashioned Bachelor brawl.
Melissa sits down with Brad and starts going all Sarah Palin rogue on him about how she’s the “targeted girl” this season. You can practically see the warning lights going off all around Brad’s head as he tries to pretend to console her.
While this is going on, Raichel is crying in the other room and saying that Melissa is a “toxic disease to me in this journey!” Brad tracks her down in the hallway and tries to hear out her side. I actually feel bad for her. She let Melissa get under her skin, and it made her much less likable. Brad sees this too. You can practically see the wind blowing out of his sails the more she hugs him and sobs. These two are making tonight’s cut easier and easier!
“Make New Friends, but Keep the Old” Award:
This goes to Ali and Roberto, as they shuffle out awkwardly to help their “old friend” Brad by interviewing all of the women. They are tasked with seeing which they think he should give a special rose to before the ceremony. Both of them didn’t look as neat and polished as they did during their own season. Ro-bair-toe’s hair was going for the cool messed-up look but it just ended up looking like bad bedhead. And Ali proved that she still cannot pull off fancy clothes and looking comfortable at the same time. They both looked a bit puffier, which I take as a good sign that they are foregoing their normal diet and exercise routines because they are too busy being in love. I actually hope they are happy. They both seem like nice people.
Ali and Roberto of course think that Porcelain Doll Emily is the best choice, so Brad chooses her to receive the special rose while all the other girls shoot daggers at Ali and Roberto.
The Rose Ceremony Wrap-Up:
Not too many surprises here. Chantal O. is happy to be first this time since Brad called her name last in the previous episode and apparently almost caused her to have a coronary. Several women received roses and I honestly have no idea who they are (Stacey? Lisa? Are they even ON this show?) “Was-A-Virgin-Now-Is-Power-Sucker-Kisser” Britt gets the final rose of the group, and Brad asks that she make sure that she work those power lips of hers on other parts of his body since he decided to keep her around for another week.
Not too many surprises about who gets dumped. Both of the catty drama queens at the cocktail party are history. I still think Brad is dumb as a stump in real life, but he seemed to make a good choice here. With Melissa, he needs someone less harsh and strident and someone who doesn’t stick her neck and lips out like a wild animal about to explode. With Raichel, he needs someone who doesn’t get so upset so easily by petty people and who doesn’t pull pubic hair out of men’s undercarriages with hot wax and whose boobs aren’t the only things you look at as she takes the Walk of Shame out of the mansion.
The sorta-surprise of the night was Brad letting go of Kickin’ Keltie. Does he have a bias against disabled women and her braces and casts at the video shoot were a turn-off? She didn’t flash her panties once this episode, so that may have played against her too. I guess we’ll never know. We do get the saddest exit interview ever as she tells us that she was meant to be alone and that she is the worst dater ever. She says she’s tried every dating avenue possible and none have worked and that this was her last ditch effort. She says she’s going to stick to kicking since it’s much easier, and I say, “Amen!” Over the credits Keltie goes out with a bang as she does a rap in the backyard describing all of the girls sitting around her. We’ll miss your spark, Keltie!
So that about wraps it up for this week. Thanks, as always for reading this far. Feel free to leave comments below, although I know none of you ever do. I can still see your hits on my map though, so I kow you’re out there whether you respond or not! J And don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook for more fun stuff too!
Catch you next week…
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