Welcome back, Bachelor fans! It’s been a long, dry spell through the fall and holidays with no bachelors or bachelorettes to talk about, tease, and rake over the coals. For those of you who are back for more, thanks for sticking with me! For those of you who are new, hope you enjoy the blog.
The format is simple. I watch the show each week, take some notes, and then compile what I see and think into a best and worst list. If you want to add your high and low points in the comments section, feel free! It’s that simple.
So, without further ado, let’s get into Episode #1…
Fashion Trend Prediction for This Season:
Based on last night’s episode, I am predicting lots of big, chunky jewelry making lots of appearances throughout. What started with that humongous leather band on Brad’s wrist as he took us through his sad, boring, “I need a woman to fulfill me” life in Austin ended with various girls wearing huge bracelets, necklaces, and even rings that looked like giant spiders across their fingers. Obviously The Bachelor sets fashion trends, right? I mean Ali was famous for rockin’ the canary yellow, and did you see all of the girls wearing it in one form or another last night? I can’t wait until one of the girls shows us her 14-inch cubic zirconium-encrusted nipple ring or Brad whips out his big, dangly earrings he secretly wears when he wants to feel pretty. Can’t wait to see the jewelry extremes this season!
Most “Oh My God, Just Shoot Me Now If This Whole Season is Going to Revolve Around This Theme” Motif of the Evening:
After the first five minutes I was already sick of the “I made a mistake, but I’m a changed man and I hope these ladies will give me a second chance” theme. That whole bit was seriously like a full hour of the show last night. I pray to the gods of reality TV (or Ali and Roberto…whichever will listen) that we won’t be subjected to any more of that for the rest of the season.
We get it that Brad regrets what he did. We get it that he spent “THREE, LONG YEARS” going through LOTS of therapy to get back to his Happy Place. We get it that he thinks everyone in America hates him (and by the way…I can pretty much guarantee that anyone who doesn’t watch this show has no idea who this guy is. You don’t have too much to worry about, Brad…) “I hit rock bottom…I was a broken man…” Weep weep weep. Sob sob sob. Poor Brad.
PLEASE tell me that some tabloid will track down Brad’s father who sounds like a really horrible person. I would love to see the interview THAT guy gives. “Yeah, I was a real awful dad back then. But if Brad can set me up with some of his cast-offs from the show, all is forgiven, m’k?” I bet it will rival when that rag tracked down Vienna’s mom selling peanuts on the side of the freeway in Florida. Awesome Bachelor moment, right? This could rival that easily if played the right way.
To really pour salt into our “When will this guy finally shut up about how damaged he is?” wounds, the producers bring out Brad’s actual shrink to certify that Brad is indeed fixed, that he’s not a total loony, and that the old Brad is dead. You know…kinda like the coroner from The Wizard of Oz checking out the witch that had the house fall on her. Sing along with me: “As Braaaad’s shrink, I thoroughly examined him. And his old self’s not only meeeeerely dead. It’s reeeeally most sinceeeeerely dead!”
Where did they get that shrink from? It looked like he hadn’t seen the light of the sun since Reagan’s first term. If I were the girl who wins this, I would take it as a very bad sign that Brad’s shrink is on the very first episode. We’re supposed to take his word for it that the dis has been taken out of Brad’s dysfunction? How repaired can he be exposing all of this laundry on national television? At least he still has the bod and the hot looks. I guess those haven’t gotten damaged at all.
Best Bachelor Move Stolen from a Former Bachelor:
In three separate shots during the opening scenes in Texas, we get shots of Brad leaning against a railing of some sort and staring pensively out into nothingness. Fans of the show will know that Brad here is bringing out “The Messner” from Jason’s season. Lots of shots of him leaning against railings too. Jake modified the maneuver during his two seasons by leaning and sobbing at the same time and then doubling over. It should be fun to see how Brad works with it this season. Stay tuned.
Most Bummed Twin on the Planet:
Brad’s twin brother who definitely did not get anything in the looks or body department. I think this is a fair trade-off, though, since Brad seems dumb as a stump and his brother seemed well-spoken and intelligent. You can’t have it all, you know.
(UPDATE: It seems I was in error on this one. Brad does indeed have an identical twin who looks even hotter than he does. The brother in this clip sounds like he was a half-brother or stepbrother. Apologies...)
(UPDATE: It seems I was in error on this one. Brad does indeed have an identical twin who looks even hotter than he does. The brother in this clip sounds like he was a half-brother or stepbrother. Apologies...)
Least Shocking Moment of the Evening:
Was anyone even a bit surprised that Jenny and Deanna came out with their shiny legs all spindly and crossed? Yawn. Both of them couldn’t have seemed more over it all. They both have rings on their fingers, they have moved on, so has Brad. Who cares what they have to say now?
The only up-side to this whole scene was when Brad gushed over how beautiful Jenny looked when the girls first came out, but then didn’t say anything even close to that to Deanna until later after he realized he hadn’t complimented her too. Awkward!
And Now, a Word from Our Sponsors…
I’m going to take a break here from the best/worst list to give a breakdown of each girl. They are, after all, the whole reason we’re here in the first place right? Without them, this show is nothing!
Chantal is the first out of the limo. We’ve all seen the shot of her saying she has something to give Brad from all of the women in America. And we’ve seen her slap him across the face. There is no way she thought of this on her own. We are told that none of the girls knew Brad would be The Bachelor until they pulled up in front of the mansion. There’s no way anyone could come up with that bit on such short notice. Brad says he loves her fire.
Kimberly is out of the limo next. He asks if she’s going to hit him too. She laughs and makes a joke that has the word “but” in it, and he construes it into something having to do with a big butt. ‘Nuff said.
Alli is out next and I already don’t like her because of how she spells her name. This show is only big enough for one Ali, and she and Roberto are happily doing the horizontal mambo in Florida, thank you very much. But this Alli tells Brad she knows America hates him, but promises she’ll give him a second chance.
Ashley S. is next, and ends up being a creepy nanny who does the whole “I will make eye contact with you no matter which way you look and I will move my head along with yours” thing. For those fans who have been with us throughout the seasons, she’s very reminiscent of Tenley with her chirpy voice. She tells Brad she’s his girl, then squeezes his ass for good measure. Brad shifts around in his pants uncomfortably and asks the producers if they can cut for 5-10 minutes while he imagines baseball scores and his grandmother’s brassiere.
Next up is Meaghan, who REALLY wants Brad to know that she’s into fashion. So much into fashion, actually, that she’s chosen hot pink chunky high-heeled shoes that have no connection whatsoever to anything else she’s wearing. Definitely trying too hard.
Marissa butches the show up a bit by asking Brad if he’s OK being with someone “…whose life completely revolves around sports,” and Brad answers, “I love you.” Women who try to impress men with how into sports they are get really annoying real fast, and I’m guessing this girl will be no exception.
Lindsay is up next, and she’s a 1st grade teacher from Texas. She and Brad make stupid small talk about how they’re both from different parts of Texas. (“Oh my god, y’all…what are the ODDS? It must fate!”)
Ashley H. is a dentist who shakes hands in a really, really masculine way and bobs her head up and down while she does it. She tells Brad she’s a hugger, but we really know that’s just her way of copping a feel of his bod in case he dumps her tonight. He picks her up. I notice she has a really big forehead, and I don’t think Brad’s going to be into that.
Raichel, who also doesn’t know how to spell her own name (see Alli above), tells Brad that he happens “…to be the perfect guy for me!” They do some weird breathing exercise together. It’s notable that she doesn’t tell him that she’s a manscaper in “real life”. Tee hee hee. We know something Brad doesn’t that will cause him pain later. Tee hee hee.
Every season needs a resident freak, and Madison is definitely that girl this season. She’s very into vampire culture and even has fangs surgically implanted in her mouth. She’s trying to be very Angelina Jolie with her coy smirks and her, “I’m SO mysterious!” comments, but she’s not fooling anyone. Don’t you love how the producers always change the background music for the freaks on this show? Michelle had her own soundtrack during Jake’s season. Werewolves howl and a Halloween-themed soundtrack plays as the camera falls on Madison. Later in the episode, Brad will ask her if she’s for real or if she just sees this as all a joke. I think those teeth speak for themselves, big guy.
Melissa runs out of the car and throws herself into Brad’s arms yelling, “Catch me!” as her opening gambit. She didn’t watch his season, so Brad asks her for another hug.
Renée (avec accent, n’est-ce pas?) is next with her huge eyes that make her look like she’s going to be a bit airhead-ish. Are those real chains holding her dress up in the back? Not flattering. She’s not memorable here, but see below for her shining moments on this episode.
Cristy is an attorney who apparently doesn’t make enough to buy a dress that fits properly. It’s all bunched up in the wrong places. She never saw Brad’s original season and wants to know what she should know about him. He answers, “I’ve changed”. I think this could be the new drinking game this season. Any reference to Brad changing, and you have to take a shot.
Jackie saw that it worked well for Ali, and so she sports a bright, canary yellow frock. She’s an artist, so you know she’s going to be cast as the flighty, slightly-bonkers one this season. It’s immediately apparent that she bears a striking resemblance to Idina Menzel with her strong jaw and eyes. She and Brad pinkie swear that they won’t break each others’ hearts, and you just KNOW she will reference this sadly when he finally dumps her.
Sarah P. is in real estate, and apparently this gives her all-encompassing power over all souls as she commands Brad to drop to one knee and ask her to marry him. And he DOES IT! She answers yes, and then throws her head back to laugh in a very Cruella DeVille-type fashion. This could be our black widow this season.
Lacey is out of the limo after the commercial break. She too maintains very creepy eye contact and Brad tries to look everywhere but at her while her head and eyes continually follow every minute movement of Brad’s. She hoists her dress up to walk, which is never a pretty move on this show.
Lauren is a high school teacher with very odd eyes. They are pretty, but huge and spaced strangely. She asks if she can steal a hug from him. There’s something about her that seems out of place here. Like she’s too pure to be Pink or something. Paging Sandra Dee…
Lisa P. asks Brad for advice since he’s been on the show before, and he answers with the sage wisdom of, “Be yourself.” Since standing on a wet driveway meeting 30 women is exactly how Brad himself would be spending that night if it weren’t for the show. Lisa’s chunky bracelet (seriously, folks, like half her arm is covered in it) almost takes Brad out.
Shawntel is a funeral director, but of course they make her out all sunny and smiley in canary yellow. Huh? A funeral director and embalmer can be happy and bubbly? No WAY! She laughs with her mouth way too open, but seems likable.
Britnee not only can’t spell her own name correctly, but she also thinks she can outwit the other girls by beckoning Brad over to let her out of the car instead of throwing herself at him like everyone else did. She says she likes a chivalrous man. I think she’s lucky Brad can string together a few words to make a sentence.
Stacey is a bartender from Boston who if you squint a bit looks like she could be part of the cast of Jersey Shore. She’s a bit rough around the edges, has a tough-sounding accent, and comes off a bit abrasive. She has no idea who Brad is, and he thanks god.
Jill comes off as too desperate as we hear her opening line that basically tells Brad that she’s ready to get married. There are always a few desperadoes on this show who feel that a man will make their lives complete and meaningful. She definitely seems like Prime Candidate #1 for that this year.
Lisa M. is from Kansas, and so of course she wears ruby slippers. Because Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz was from there too? Get it? Anyway…She’s young and sweet and innocent and you can practically see Brad’s brain working overtime for ways he can make her less innocent. Down boy…
Rebecca is an esthetician who also makes Brad come to her. She’s dressed like a Spanish widow in mourning, draped all in black with lace and dark make-up. She kisses Brad and tells him she hopes that she will find her prince among the frogs. SO original there, Rebecca! How did you ever come up with THAT?
J. is out next. Yes, J. No explanation for why she’s just one letter. Does one ask why Madonna is just Madonna or Cher is just Cher? No. So J. is just J. It’s her birthday today and she thanks Brad for throwing her such a big party. Hardee har har. She thinks this is all for her birthday.
Keltie supplies us with our first of many panty flashes as she high-kicks her way out of the limo. Yes, she's a Radio City Rockette and comes off as a crazy rocker party chick in her baby doll dress that is way too short. You can just picture her backstage at a Guns ‘N’ Roses concert with both arms over her head, fingers stretched out in a hang loose symbol, screaming, “WOOOOO-freakin’-HOO!” as the band comes on stage.
Sarah L. is a musical theater performer and seems way too impressed with herself. Did you want to know an amazing fact about Sarah L.? I mean truly amazing? She can’t snap her own fingers! Can you BELIEVE it? Isn’t that fascinating? Isn’t that exactly what Brad wanted to know about her first thing?
The music turns sad and minor key as we meet Emily. She married her high school sweetheart only to hear that he was killed in a plane crash – a plane she was supposed to go on too, but didn’t because she wasn’t feeling well that day. Later, she found out she was pregnant with his daughter. It’s all very sad and touching and she’s perfect as a Southern belle porcelain doll. So perfect, in fact, that Brad asks if it’s OK to even touch her, like he’ll break her or something.
Britt is a food writer with hair like Darryl Hannah from Splash. She gives Brad a bag of some sort of food and tells him that she thinks the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Really, Britt? That’s the best line they could feed you? We all cringe inwardly.
Michelle is the last one to meet Brad. She’s wearing a loud jungle print dress that flows everywhere. There seems to be some chemistry there and both say that they are exactly what the other wanted to see right now.
OK…now that you’ve met the ladies, it’s time to get back to the regular list….
Most Disappointing Scene of the Episode:
Raichel’s one-on-one time with Brad wins this one for sure. After her hilarious description of waxing guys’ “undercarriages” and “bat wings”, she only puts a little wax on Brad’s wrist and rips out a few paltry hairs. Bah humbug. There goes my much-anticipated “Kelly Clarkson!” yell.
Crazy Singer of the Season Honorable Mention:
We all remember Casey crooning his love awkwardly for Ali. We also all remember that his bad singing got him abandoned in an ice cave on a glacier. Well, apparently Jackie the artist didn’t see that episode as she comes up with a song to sing to Brad on the spur of the moment: “I came here today. All the way to L.A. What more can I say? Take me away!” Look for P. Diddy to release a single that samples this amazing talent some time in the next year. Jackie giggles self-consciously way too much and makes this whole scene close to unbearable to watch.
Biggest TMI moment:
Alli tells Brad that a guy dumped her because her butt was too big, then stands up and shoves her butt in his face to see what he thinks about it. Really classy, Alli. Should Brad shove his battered, broken ego in YOUR face to see what YOU think of it? We all have our crosses to bear (and apparently Brad needs to have his literally tattooed on his back just in case we don’t get what hardships he’s been through.)
Funniest “Oh No You Did Not Just Do That!” Moment(s):
Renée obviously wins this one as she tries in vain to get more than 30 seconds alone with Brad. We see a hilarious montage of her butting in on another girl’s time only to be boob-blocked by another girl stealing him away. “All these bitches are stealing him!” she bemoans, but Keltie the Rockette eggs her on to get back in there and keep trying. Alli ends up stealing Brad away two times from Renée. “I’m better than all these bitches here!” Renée tells the camera. Too funny.
Too-Strident Award:
This one goes to Michelle, in the long, flowing jungle print dress. She thinks she’s the only real woman there. “I’m a woman. I’m not a little girl,” she proudly intones. She says she’s going crazy when she realizes that she’s not getting the First Impression Rose. “It’s kinda making me sick!” she tells us. Tone it down, little lady. It’s too soon to be so vocal and put yourself out there that much.
The “Ooo! She IS the Crazy This Season!” Award:
This goes to artist Jackie, who upon hearing that she did not receive the First Impression Rose, wants to know what she could have done better. The door to Crazyville just cracked open a bit wider for this girl. Her eyes have the patented Michelle crazy look from Jake’s season. We’ll keep our eye on her to see what comes of it.
So ten girls get axed, among them the high school teacher (who presumably loses her job by telling us she’s “pissed off” about it), the girl who Brad told to be herself who whacked him with the chunky bracelet, Britnee who can’t spell her own name, and Rebecca who was looking for a prince among the frogs. Presumably Renée, who got boob-blocked all night, also left, but I never really got visual confirmation of that. Big letdown after all of that build-up and posturing by her.
The vampire stays and bites Brad’s neck. The crazy artist gets to stay. So does the rocker Rockette. Of course the producers make Brad keep around all of the interesting ones that he has no chance in hell of selecting at the end.
One note about the previews for next week. Did anyone else find it in bad taste that one of the dates this season is racing cars at a racetrack? Emily’s husband who died was a racecar driver. Hopefully she’s out by then or doesn’t get selected to go on this date, or things could get downright morbid.
I also loved the end credits with the rocker Rockette teaching Brad how to high kick. The girls sit around with stunned looks on their faces as she kicks her dress up past her panties again and launches off such one-liners as: “We’re going to fall in love and give each other nice Christmas presents!” and “I have so many moves I can teach you! I’m bendy!” She may be my favorite for pure entertainment value at this point.
So what did YOU think of the premiere? Did it live up to the hype? Who are your frontrunners? Let us know below. Also, don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook to get more updates and chat.
Until next week, keep your fangs in your mouth and don’t let those boobs block ya!
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