Welcome back to After the Rose! So did you all survive last night’s episode without sinking into a pit of despair? Was that not the most depressing, pass-the-Kleenex, violin-swelling-filled episode of all time? At every turn there was another sad story one of the ladies had to tell – some of them more than once! It ended up turning into a total weepfest, which was just about the only interesting thing about this episode. Otherwise, last night was pretty much a snoozer. Onward with tonight’s awards…
Best Drinking Game of the Night:
This goes to Michelle, of course. Her on-going tirade against the other girls and how they had better get out of her way because she’s the only real woman is beyond tired. No offense to anyone reading this who is named Michelle, but is it a coincidence that the crazy this season is named Michelle and then there was Crazy Michelle from Jake’s season and Bachelor Pad? They sure know how to cast some interesting Michelle’s on this show, huh? And you know this girl is crazy for two other reasons: (1) every time she enters a shot, the music changes and gets all stalker-y, and (2) she has no eyebrows.
Raise your glass every time Michelle says something like, “These girls are not right for Brad!” or, “Brad needs to end up with a woman!” (as opposed to a garbage disposal, Michelle?) , or, “I want ninjas to kidnap the other girls!”
Hoist ‘em high when Michelle rolls her eyes as she watches other girls canoodle with Brad, or uses her hair as a “I can’t see you making out with my man cuz my hair’s in front of my face!” shield against the other girls’ wily ways.
Special bonus shots for Michelle slinking into the background in a creepy way during Brad’s one-on-one time with another girl and awkwardly breaking the whole thing up so she can get time with him instead.
Here’s to you, Michelle (hic!) We love contestants like you. You have the double bonus of being totally nuts AND the producers make Brad keep you around so there will be interesting personalities left and we won’t be stuck watching the dentist-chick flip her hair all night instead.
Flashiest Chunky Jewelry:
The big bling was less conspicuous tonight, but it certainly made its appearance. There was a giant spider ring that appeared at one point, but I forgot to put in my notes on whose finger it was.
Honorable mention goes to Ashley S. who, during her date with Brad at Capitol Records, is sporting a huge, white chunky bracelet. Was it ceramic? It almost looked like something your crazy Aunt Sylvia, who really sells real estate but who dabbles in ceramics on the weekend, would make you for your birthday and then you’re forced to wear it to all family celebrations and pretend to like it even though you know she’s nuts. Or was it plastic? It also kinda looked a little bit like something Marcia Brady would have rocked at the pizza parlor. There was even some sort of flower or peace symbol painted on it to add to that 70’s feel.
Either way, I was getting a heavy Wonder Woman vibe from it. Maybe Michelle could borrow it to deflect off the onslaught of girls who don’t deserve Brad?
And we can’t leave the chunky jewelry category without giving Honorable Mention to Kimberly. I know, I know…your first thought is, “Who?” Kimberly! C’mon, folks. You know her. She’s the blonde who has said like three words all season and who hasn’t had any one-on-one time with Brad and has basically blended into the background all season? Kimberly? What’s that you say? That description covers about 10 girls this season so far? Hmmmm…you’re right. So let me tell you why Kimberly made this category this week.
Did anyone else notice that she was rocking those same peacock feather earrings that Kickin’ Keltie was wearing as she was dumped and Rockette-ed to the limo last week? For some unknown reason, Kimberly thinks it’s a good idea to wear, if not the same pair, the exact same idea of earring. Like Kickin’ Keltie’s situation last week, you just know there’s some peacock at the Oklahoma City Animal Sanctuary who was brought in with all of his plumage plucked, huddled in the corner getting no action from the peahens all in the name of dangly, glamorous fashion.
Kimberly’s earrings do their big dangly thing as she tries to merge into the background all night, and SHOCK! – she ends up getting dumped too, just like Kickin’ Keltie (although Kimberly decides NOT to flash her panties and tell us all how bendy she is…) Lessons learned from all this? Big bracelets equal make-out sessions, serenades from guys with weird scars on their faces, and plenty of squeezing on Brad’s abs. Giant peacock dangly earrings equal, “Don’t let the door smack you on the way into the limo!” I hope you all take this to heart in case you ever find yourself auditioning for this show (and if you ever do, please let me know. I would LOVE to know someone from this show and get inside scoop about what really goes on!)
Saddest Story of the Evening:
I mentioned in the intro that I believe this could be the most depressing episode of The Bachelor ever. It’s hard to pick just one story.
Do we give the nod to Ashley S. who tells us that she and her dad used to sing Kiss from a Rose all the time together before he had a brain aneurysm and…wait for it…DIED?
Or did you find the tears flowing more when you heard Chantal O. talk about how she didn’t talk to her biological father for 15 years, but tracked him down only to find that he had…wait for it…DIED?
Or how about Emily’s sad story (told twice during this episode…a grand total of four times for the season so far) about being 18, marrying her high school sweetheart, and then finding out she was pregnant with his daughter just before he was in a plane crash and…wait for it…DIED? (Does anyone else see Emily as an exact hybrid of Dolly Parton and Holly from The Girls Next Door on E!?)
Or how about Alli, who during the final cocktail party wells up as she talks about the fact that her dad was unfaithful to her mom and had another kid and that her parents…wait for it…DIVORCED (thought I was gonna say DIED, dintcha?)
Or how about Madison’s tears as she hears Emily’s story and suddenly has a flash of, “What the HELL am I doing here chasing after this dumbass with all of these crazy-ass bitches when there really is true love to be found in the real world?” She cries big tears all over the place and then…DIES! (Psych! That should have said, “She cries big tears all over the place and SNAPS OUT HER FANGS IN A SYMBOLIC GESTURE OF HOW STUPID THAT WHOLE VAMPIRE RUSE WAS TO BEGIN WITH!) Ain’t no dead relative that can mess with that, right?
I think that even though I will tear out my own teeth if she tells the whole, sordid story one more time, that I will give this award to Emily. Not only does she have a truly sad story, but she somehow manages to tell it in such a way that lives are changed and vampire teeth are popped out.
(And just as a side note so you don’t think I am cruel and heartless. I am not intending to make fun of anyone dying or divorcing or changing their teeth for vampire porn (OK, well maybe I can poke a little fun about the vampire porn and you’ll forgive me, right?) I have a heart too. I have lost people close to me. My folks divorced too. I don’t wish what these girls went through on anyone. I’m not poking fun at the bad news, only the way in which this show capitalizes on it and force feeds it to us like creamed spinach.)
Best “Dis” of the Night:
TIE:
1. During the final cocktail party, Michelle is curled up like a ready-to-pounce snake on the couch. Brad walks in the room, and she asks him, “Can I have you?” What was up with that? Can she HAVE him? How about, “Hey Brad. Do you have some time to chat?” or, “Hi Brad. These are my breasts and they are all yours if you take me outside right now.” But no, Michelle has to opt for the nutso approach and ask Brad, “Can I have you?”
Brad of course blows her off because she’s sitting there all creepy like a self-important, entitled Cleopatra. He walks over to a different girl instead. Cut to the next scene and there’s Chantal O. standing there asking Brad, “Can I have you?” (emphasis on the “I”)
I laughed out loud at this, and it rocketed Chantal O. up to the top of my likability meter for the evening. And to make matters even more humiliating for Cleo over on the couch, Brad says yes to Chantal O. and they stroll merrily on their way! Loved that scene. The Bachelor at its best!
2. What was up with rolling out a shrink for Brad? Did anyone else notice that this shrink is not the same one who got interviewed during the first episode? Total slap in the face to the original guy, huh? The producers must have told him, “Yeah…you’ve been Brad’s shrink for over three years and have nursed him back to mental health again well enough that he can put his hands up and down the dresses of all 30 of these ladies. You did a great job. But we’re not going to spring for you to fly out to L.A. and stay there in case Brad needs you like he’s needed you for three years straight. Instead, we’re going to hire a British guy who will be your stand-in because he looks more masculine with his shirt unbuttoned too far and all that hair coming off of his chest and he sounds smarter than you do since he has a British accent and you’re from Texas. Oh…and he has a tan and we can weirdly side light him better while he’s sitting in Brad’s living room. But take care, m’k?”
What do you think the odds are that Brad’s original doctor will ever see him again? Um…zero? Sucks to be you Mr. pasty-faced, Texas shrink. Total dis from the show. Maybe next time you’ll show up to the party tanned and buffed as is befitting a guest on The Bachelor.
Brad’s Dumbest Moment:
Wow. I mentioned in an earlier post that I think Brad may be just about the dumbest guy on the planet. There literally is nothing going on in those eyes at any point while he speaks or thinks. I figured I could pick one moment from this episode to highlight, but I’ll let you decide. So which is dumbest?
A. Inferencing tends to be tricky for the un-smart. Here’s one example where Brad falters. Emily relates that her husband went on a plane and that the plane never made it to its destination. Brad asks, “OK…his plane crashed?” Where does he think it went if it didn’t make it to its destination? It’s not like she’s trying to imply they took a swing by Bora Bora or something. Yes…it crashed, Brad. Don’t make the poor girl say it AGAIN!
B. Inappropriate responses also tend to trip up the slow-witted. After Emily has told her tragic tale and let Brad know that she also has a child, his first instinct is not to give her a hug. Nope, not our Brad. He doesn’t ask her if she’s OK or even thank her for relating all of that highly-personal information. No, Brad waits a beat and then asks, “Is it a boy or a girl?” In this moment, does that really matter, Brad? Will you dump her if she gives the wrong answer?
C. Math apparently is also an issue for our Brad. As he is rehashing how great his date with Emily went, he tells the camera that it seems like 100 pounds has been lifted off of Emily’s shoulders now that she has told him her story. Um, Brad, if she lost 100 pounds, that would make that cute, teensy thing about -15 pounds, right? (Yes…NEGATIVE fifteen pounds…)
I’ll let you decide which of Brad’s dumb moments was the true winner. Or did I miss one? Let me know in the comments.
Grossest Line of the Show:
The producers hit pay dirt with this one when they showed us Michelle saying that at the end of the show she wanted it to be just her and Brad, “…in Tahiti practicing making babies.”
Because Brad is so dense, this conjured up images of him trying to make babies by putting some body parts where they…um…how do I say this delicately? Where they don’t belong?
MICHELLE: “Brad! Get that thing out of my ear!”
BRAD: “Sorry, babe. Just practicin’…”
Brad’s Worst Acting Moment:
Since I’m already raking Brad across the coals here, I might as well add in a little something about his bad acting skills. We all know that most of what he says has been scripted for him by the producers. Watch the closing credits to see how many writers this show takes to be able to put such amazing words into everyone’s mouths. So it’s always funny to me when The Bachelor is forced to say and do things that are obviously out of his comfort zone.
This episode was no exception. When Cleopatra Michelle slinks into the background of Brad’s one-on-one time with Alli at the pool party, I almost had to turn away with how bad Brad’s rehearsed reaction shot was. He pretends to stutter through an answer to Alli while looking strangely at Michelle playing with her split ends. It’s so hard to watch Brad stumble through this scene, but it’s also kinda funny that the producers decided to leave his bad acting in and not make him re-shoot it. That’s how bad the other shots were, apparently.
The worst of his acting, though, had to have been at the start of the action movie group date. As the girls are getting out of the van and assembling to see what lies in store, Brad begins to tell them about the day. Of course, a huge explosion interrupts him and he’s attacked by ninjas. Of course. The lead-up to this interruption could not have been any more obvious. Brad’s eyes keep shifting around and he keeps slowing his voice down as if an explosion might happen and he might be attacked by ninjas at any moment. Truly cringe-worthy, but I guess when you look like he does and you’re getting the national exposure that he is, you don’t need to be a good actor, right?
Most Exciting Comeback of the Season:
The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back! The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back! The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back!
Most Pre-Arranged “We Know This Is Gonna Make Great TV’ Date of the Night:
TIE:
1. We could give this one to Ashley S., who has to sing Kiss from a Rose, which just happens to be the only song she and her dad (who died…did you hear?) sang together. She is totally freaked out about having to sing in the first place until she realizes that she’ll be singing “their song”. How contrived was THAT whole thing? I think they probably first asked Seal if he would do the show, then they polled all the ladies and asked them for every song they have ever liked in their entire lives. The one that put anything remotely related to Seal got the date after some finagling like this:
PRODUCERS: “Um…Ashley S….it says here on your favorite song questionnaire that your favorite songs are My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, Rape and Pillage by Murder is Fun, and I am the Walrus by The Beatles. You’re going to go on a date with Brad and sing a Seal song since a seal and a walrus are basically the same animal, we think. So from now on your favorite song is Kiss from a Rose, m’k?
ASHLEY S.: Oh my god! Seal’s face kinda creeps me out, but I turned that song on too loudly once in the car when I was a kid and my dad told me to turn it down! I totally connect with that song and my dad! Can I wear my ceramic/plastic Marcia Brady/Wonder Woman bracelet?
PRODUCERS: Only if you promise to cry when you talk about your dad and only if you promise to make out with Brad while we circle helicopters around the roof to film you.
ASHLEY S.: OK!
(and how old did it make you feel that she said she sang that song when she was TEN?! Sigh…)
2. The other overly-contrived date of the evening has to go to poor Emily. She’s excited to get some one-on-one time with Brad, but her smile fades as he excitedly pulls into the airport and proudly announces that they will be flying in a small plane to get to their final destination. Poor Emily. Brad doesn’t know her past with small planes, but she’s got to power through the sadness and just get on that plane.
Obviously the producers knew all about Emily’s back-story. So why couldn’t SHE be the one to go to the carnival or get the Julia Roberts treatment last week? Why does she HAVE to be the one who rides in a small plane? Because it makes great TV, obviously! Those crafty producers know exactly how to play with our emotions.
Saddest Celebrity Reference of the Evening:
I know you are all expecting me to rail on Seal for even appearing on this show in the first place. It’s always the mark of death to be a musician and be in any way associated with this show (Paging a Peter Cetera-less Chicago from Jake’s season…Chicago? Anyone?)
But I actually really like Seal and he sounded great, so I’ll give him props for showing up last night. This award, actually, goes to his wife Heidi Klum. I was SO bummed that she didn’t show up too! I know the reasons why she didn’t, but I really wanted her to be there anyway.
First of all, the producers know that someone like Heidi would totally outclass any girl there. None of these girls can hold a candle to a high-powered fashion model with her own show on Lifetime and her own signature line for booting contestants out the door.
Second, Heidi is one of those celebs who gets how sad you have to be to even appear on a show like The Bachelor. She has way too much street cred to have to show up on this wreck of a show. How would she ever look at Tim Gunn or Nina Garcia or Michael Kors in the eyes ever again? Smart move, Heidi, but we missed you nonetheless. (Ouch…as I am typing this in Microsoft Word, it doesn’t highlight “Klum” as a possible misspelling, but it DOES highlight “Kors”. She’s EVERYWHERE like Oprah…Discuss…)
So this award goes to Heidi, who made me sad by not showing up last night, even though I knew she wouldn’t.
Worst Idea for a Date Food:
On Brad’s date in the barn with Emily, we can see mounds of asparagus on both of their plates. Asparagus?! Everyone knows that you eat that stuff and almost instantly your pee will smell like the most rank, stanky, musty sweat sock you could find on the floor of a middle school boys’ locker room. Whose brainchild was this? I know they probably aren’t going to follow each other into the bathroom when one of them has to pee (although I hear Brad may be into this…), but what about air quality post-pee? How do you fix THAT in a barn set up with candles and Hollywood lighting? Am I the only one who does any THINKING here?! I’m guessing they either didn’t eat any of it, or they played, “Who can hold their pee the longest?’ all night.
Rose Ceremony Round-Up:
It sucked to be a blonde last night, because all three ladies who left had blonde hair. Madison quit on her own dramatically in the middle of the ceremony. That girl popped out her fangs and literally laid them on the table along with her heart (and a chalice of blood, a bat’s head, and her business card in case Brad ever wants to hook up for some freaky sex.)
Kimberly and Sarah P. are both let go and we have absolutely no idea who either of them is. Neither one has had any inkling of a story arc so far this season, so we knew they were goners from the start.
They do each have one distinguishing feature for us to remember them by, however. In Kimberly’s case, it’s the aforementioned peacock earrings. For Sarah P., it’s the frustration that she chose super-runny mascara on the night she gets dumped. Talk about your raccoon eyes! You know the show tells the girls the mascara is waterproof, but then gives them the cheap-ass stuff just so we can have waterworks scenes like this, right? Spectacular.
Most Over-Hyped, Misrepresented Moment in the Previews:
We can see that Cleo Michelle has a black eye in next week’s episode, and it’s implied that it was caused by one of the girls hauling off and finally hitting her. We know that the true story will be way less interesting though, and that if we really think she got hit we are falling victim to the producers ever-present editing skills that splice together scenes that probably really took place weeks apart, but that seems like cause and effect in a 30-second preview.
“Are Your True Colors Starting to Come Out?” Award:
In the closing credits, Brad and Emily are back in the fake barn roasting marshmallows. Brad starts them off and Emily could not look any more bored. She seriously looks like she’s about to conk out. Then she starts to roast one, Brad compliments her on her roasting skills, he asks her how she learned to do it so well, and she answers that she’s a mom and that’s what moms do. Awww…all sweet and sacharrine and “She’s perfect for Brad! He’d better choose HER!”
Then the mood shifts as she accidentally knocks a marshmallow onto the ground and has to be bleeped as she shouts, “Sh**!” She tries to backtrack and tell us, “I meant shoot…crap…” but the damage is done. Porcelain doll has a mouth on her. Hope we get to hear more of it later on!
You know the drill at the end here. I say thanks for reading this far. Then I implore you to leave comments and come over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose so you can keep updated. But you already knew all that, right?
See you next week for Michelle’s black eye!
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